Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Reservation for Terry and Irene Sadler.

- Oh yes, yes, we-- we've been expecting you.

I-I'm Dick Loudon.

- Hi. - Hi.

- You're the, uh, the couple from Kansas, right?

- We've been driving for days

across this miserable country of ours.

- America. Ha!

What a bunch of hype.

- Not having much of a vacation?

- Well, it's been one disappointment after another.

We drove 800 miles out of our way

to see the damn bluegrass of Kentucky.

There's no blue grass.

It's damn green just like everyplace else.

- Well, what a damn hoax.

- And then we head up to Hershey, Pennsylvania

just to drive down their famous chocolate-covered streets.

- They're asphalt, Dick!

Just like anyplace else.

- Funny, you know, how do they get away with it?

- Guess what they don't have any of in Buffalo, New York?

- Way ahead of you there, Terry.

- Well, Vermont won't disappoint you.

- Well, I'm sure you're right.

Coming up the driveway we could already smell

that clean salt air.

- Yeah, what are we,

about a five-minute walk to the beach?

- More like a five-day walk.

We're a good 200 miles from-- from the ocean.

- Then where do you dig for clams

for your famous New England clambakes?

- We're not famous for clambakes

but we are famous for maple syrup.

- We came to Vermont for clams, not syrup!

- Easy, Irene.

You've been behind the wheel a little too long.

You could use a nap.

- Room four, top of the stairs.

- Pumpkin?

Huh?

- Oh, I feel so bad.

- Oh, they-they'll be better after their nap, George.

- It's not that.

The streets in Hershey aren't chocolate-covered.

Mamma lied to me.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Stratford Inn.

- Dick, I need a favor and I need it now.

- Any-- anything, name it. Who, uh, who is this?

- Stephanie!

- Oh, Stephanie.

Joanna and I were just saying how nice and quiet it is here

since you, uh-- - Yeah, I miss you too.

Look, the baby showers Mummy lined up for me

were a real bust.

Do you know what these Newport blue hairs give

instead of gifts?

Their warm wishes.

Can you believe it?

- Wh-Where do they get off?

- Now Dick, you need to run down to Menkey's Market at once,

and tell Michael to hit Menkey up for a huge raise.

- Well, c-couldn't you just call Michael a-at the store?

- Oh, right.

The last employee that got a personal phone call

had to walk around the store for a month in lead shoes.

- Pretty strict, huh.

- And if he was that hard on his own grandmother,

imagine what he'd do to Michael.

- Now, Stephanie, I'm kind of tied up here,

you know, with important stuff--

- Dick! My unborn child's pampered future is at stake.

Now put down the paper airplane and go.

- She must have heard me folding the paper.

- Where are you going? - To the market.

- Oh, good, it'll save me a trip.

- Honey, y-you know I can't make out your abbreviations.

Um...

T.P. Now what's that? Toilet paper?

- Don't be silly. Toothpaste.

- And I suppose C.J. is what, cranberry juice?

- Chicken giblets.

- G-Giblets begins with a "G."

- I know that, but if I wrote down C.G.

I'd end up buying crunchy granola

and we have a whole box left.

- It's going to be a long day at the market.

[IRON SHOES CLOMPING]

- How's it going, Grandma Menkey?

- Argh, these shoes are murder on me arches.

- Oh, hi, Michael. - Oh, hidey-ho, Dickburger.

How do you like the fruits of my labor?

- Peachy.

Joanna gave me a shopping list

and I-I can't figure out her--her abbreviations.

D.P., what would that be? Dried pork, date--date pudding?

- Dill pickles, Dickles.

Okay, next.

- Uh, L.C.M.

- Low cal mayo.

- G.P.

- Grey Poupon.

- P.O.

- Pearl onions.

Or it could be pitted olives.

Be safe. Buy both.

Hey, don't you kids eat anything but condiments?

- No, we're, uh, diehard condimentalists.

Oh, a-are these, uh, these seedless grapes?

- They don't call them S.G.s for nothing.

[SIREN WAILS]

Darn you, Dick! You gobble up a grape,

and Mr. Menkey installed

a sophisticated surveillance system

to protect against petty produce pilferers like you.

It's all right, sir, everything's under control!

[SIREN STOPS]

- All I did was eat a grape.

- Yeah, well, your compulsive consumption

could get me canned.

Probably a side effect of that strict condiment diet.

Seek help, Dick.

Uh-oh, here's Dirk, Menkey's majordomo.

Let me handle this.

Hiya, Dirky.

- Menkey saw the incident.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge your friend

for that grape he stole.

- He's not my friend.

I've never seen him before in my life.

- You seemed pretty palsy walsy with him

when you were loading his basket with condiments, Mikey.

- I'll pay for the grape, it's no big deal.

- Take this grape to check stand 2,

have it weighed, pay for it, return it to this bin.

Is that clear?

- This is a joke, right?

I-I mean, Menkey can't--can't be this strict.

[IRON SHOES CLOMPING]

[CAMERA MOVING]

You say check stand 2?

Oh, and, uh, Stephanie called.

- Here? Oh God, I hate wearing those lead shoes.

- She called at the inn.

- Oh, don't scare me like that.

- She said the baby showers were a bust

and that you should hit Mr. Menkey for--for a raise.

- Oh, yeah, like he'll give me one

now that I'm associated with a grape gonif.

I was counting on those gifts! Now I have to buy them myself.

I don't have any money.

All I have is this stupid hose.

- Hey, Mikey.

Why don't you sing?

- Okay.

[MICHAEL SINGS]

- No, no, no, no, not now.

You see, I bring home an extra 50 bucks a night

singing show tunes in the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and Musket family restaurant

out on Route 14.

- I had no idea you were a bag boy/Broadway balladeer.

- Well, it pays the bill.

Every little bit helps when you got eight kids to feed.

- You know, uh...

I can, uh...

I can carry a tune.

- And you whistle too, hey, double threat.

- And I hum.

- Did I say double threat?

- Hey, what's going on?

You're popping them back like mad

and there are no lights, no sirens.

- It's old man Menkey's regular morning pit stop,

you could set your watch by it. Hey!

[SIREN WAILING]

- The grape guy! It's the grape guy!

- Weren't you going grocery shopping?

- I was.

I wasn't allowed to buy anything.

- Why not?

- I ate a grape.

- Oh, you went to Menkey's.

Did he fine you?

- No, but I'm barred from shopping for a year.

- Well, you got off easy.

He didn't make you wear the lead shoes.

- Oh, uh, I-Irene and Terry.

Honey, these are the Sadlers.

- Oh hi, nice to meet you.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Well, you seem--you seem a lot more...chipper.

- Well, why shouldn't we be?

We're going clam digging.

- Oh, you're driving to the coast?

- Why should we go all the way to the ocean

when we can dig for clams right in your garden?

- Got all your gear together.

- How do you think the clamming will be today, George?

- Weather's a bit nippy so they should really be biting.

- Great. Well, come on, Irene.

Let's go clamming!

- Had to do something,

they were having an awful vacation.

So I bought some frozen clams

and buried them in the side yard.

Uh-oh.

I forgot to shove some fake pearls in them.

- George, clams don't have pearls.

- Joanna, gardens don't have clams.

- Hi, George. - Hi, Michael.

Strange.

There's the oddest twosome wearing dated beach duds

digging up the veggie patch.

- They're digging for garden clams.

- In October?

They must be from out of town.

The pair of you got plans for the p.m.?

- Well, other than filling a few holes

in the garden, we're open. Why?

- I want you ringside when I make my all-singing,

all-whistling, all-humming debut in the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and Musket family restaurant out on Route 14.

- When did you become a singer?

- When I was six.

A year or two later, I picked up whistling.

I couldn't hum until I was well into my teens.

I was a late hummer.

- A lot of the young hummers today

are peaking way too soon.

- Well, it was nice of Mr. Menkey to let you out early

so you could get ready.

- Oh, no more Menkey-business for me. I quit!

- Grape? - No.

- How could you quit your job when you and Stephanie

have a baby on the way?

- Well, why get bogged down

in the boring bow-tied world of bag boy then

when I'm on the break of local stardom?

- Michael, you're--you're hardly a professional.

- Obviously, you never saw

Captain Kooky's Cartoon Clubhouse

during the '64-'65 season.

- No, I--I was busy surfing.

- Well, if you'd only taken five from hanging ten,

you would have caught little Mikey

as the captain's singing sidekick.

- That was 25 years ago, little Mikey.

Things change. Voices change.

- All right, maybe I've lost that lilting soprano

that used to warm Captain Kooky's cockles, but...

I'm still that cute little towhead

with a smile as big as all outdoors.

- All right, I'll give you that.

- ♪ Don't you love a farce? ♪

♪ My fault I fear ♪

♪ Losing my timing this late ♪

♪ In my career ♪

♪ Send in the clowns ♪

♪ Quick Send in the clowns ♪

♪ Don't bother ♪

♪ They're here ♪

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- That was lovely.

I never knew what that song meant till now.

It's about clowns, isn't it?

- Right, George, and--and about always

remembering to-- to send them in.

- Oh, sorry it took so long.

But Lucky, he's the bartender

with the skin thing on his hands,

he says to me, "Chantal, come in the kitchen.

I want to show you something."

So I go in there,

and right in the middle of the floor

is this dead thing.

So, I say, "Lucky, what is it? A animal?"

So, Lucky, who finds humor in any given situation,

God bless him, says, "It used to be."

[LAUGHS]

Wooh...that Lucky.

If it weren't for that skin thing,

I'd love to have his kids.

- Chantal, Chantal.

I-I know there's a four-drink minimum.

But, you know, d-do you have to serve them a-all at once?

- Yeah. So, want me to run a tab?

- No. No, I-I think these...

these 12 drinks will--will see us through the evening.

- Ladies and gentlemen, the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and Musket family restaurant here

on Route 14 is proud and privileged

to present tonight's featured liquor, bourbon.

Three shots for a sawbuck.

Next act, Michael Harris.

[MINIMAL CLAPPING]

- Thanks so much for that generous applause.

I'd like to dedicate this first number

to a certain handyman in the house tonight,

named George.

- I hope he means me.

- ♪ Green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm living Is the life for me ♪

♪ Lands spreading out So far and wide ♪

♪ Oh keep Manhattan just Give me that countryside ♪

[CHUCKLING]

- Thank you. - [SOFT CLAPPING]

You know, that song brings back warm memories

for me too.

This next tune goes out to a certain beautiful lady

in the house tonight, named Joanna.

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Daisies ♪

♪ Snowflakes ♪

♪ That girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts ♪

♪ Rainbows ♪

♪ Springtime That girl ♪

[HUMS]

♪ That girl too ♪

[CHUCKLING]

Thank you.

[CLAPPING]

- Dick... what kind of act is this?

- A very bad one.

- I can just get serious for a moment.

There's a certain special someone in the house tonight

I'd like to salute.

He's more than just a friend. He's...

well, there's really only one way to put this.

Dick Loudon, I love you.

Come on, Dick, get up and take a bow.

- I don't... I don't want to.

- Sure you do.

Hit that man with a spot!

- Poignant moment, Dick. - Shut up, George.

- ♪ Dick-dittle-dit dittle-lit Dittle-lit Dick Dicksters ♪

♪ Dick dittle-lit dittle-lit Dittle-lit dittle-lit-lit Dick ♪

♪ Dick dittle-lit dittle-lit Dittle-lit-dit Dick-man ♪

♪ Dick dittle-lit dittle-lit Dittle-lit ♪

♪ Dick-dittle-lit-dit Dick ♪

[WHISTLES]

What the hell am I doing?

I'm no singer.

Heck, I'm no whiz at whistling either.

[CHUCKLING] What was I thinking?

Give up a gig at a great grocery to hum TV themes

in a joint where there are dead things in the kitchen?

Boy, what a loser!

A stupid loser.

Ah, geez, a hole in my shoe.

Stupid loser with a hole in his shoe.

I'll have to buy new shoes.

I can't afford new shoes.

Oh no, baby's going to need new shoes too.

And Steph, she loves shoes.

She'll need shoes after she gives birth

and her ankles unswell.

My family will go barefoot.

What about clothes? We'll have to stop wearing them.

Oh God, the taunting my kid is going to get.

"What does your daddy do for a living?"

"Nothing!

"He's just a stupid loser with holes in his shoes

"who makes us walk around naked."

My kid's going to hate me.

Why didn't I just finish college,

become a court stenographer?

You don't see court stenographers' kids

running around buck naked, do you?

I'm a bum. I'm a stupid bum!

Oh, perfect. Now I'm wallowing in self-pity.

I'm a loser and a bum and a joke.

Why do I put myself through this?

Why do I put myself through this?

It's not the first time I've been down.

I've been down before and bounced back.

Yeah.

And you gotta love a guy who bounces back

again and again.

I know I do.

And so will my kid. Heck, he'll take after his old man.

He'll love me whether I'm a stupid bum or not.

And so will Steph, by golly,

because she's the spouse at my side.

And she loves me too. Oh, God, to be this loved!

♪ Love is all around No need to waste it ♪

♪ I can have it all Why don't I taste it? ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it After all ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it After all ♪

[CLAPS AND CHEERS]

- Not since Cats have I been this moved.

- What a performance!

I like the humming.

And that Dick-dittle-dit part was darn catchy.

- I think you're the finest showman

on the face of the Earth.

But that could be the beer talking.

- Thanks, George.

Hey, Dick, did you notice what I didn't do up there?

- You, uh, you didn't throw your hat in the air

after the end of that last song.

- I wasn't wearing a hat.

Strange. Suddenly, my sanity started slipping

and I didn't need Sir Dick to save me.

I worked it through myself.

Is this what it feels like to be a grownup, Dick, huh, is it?

Huh, is it?

- Darn tootin'.

- Michael, are you going to do a late show?

I'd like to sit through it again.

I got a little lost during the part

about the stenographers' naked kids.

- Nah, George, I'm packing in my pipes

and I'm asking Menkey for my job back.

You know, I don't think my kind of music

really connected with this crowd.

- Anybody need to visit the restroom as much as I do?

- Yes, I think that's a good idea.

- I'll show you where it is. - All right.

- MICHAEL: You've got to go back [indistinct].

- Where is it, Michael?

[MUMBLING AND HUMMING]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

♪ But don't pass the plate Folks ♪

♪ Don't pass the cup ♪

♪ I figure Whenever I'm down and out ♪

♪ The only way is up ♪

♪ And I will be up! ♪

♪ Like a rosebud ♪

♪ High on that vine ♪

♪ Don't thumb your nose, bud ♪

♪ Just take a little tip From mine ♪

♪ I may be a little bit Short of the elbow room ♪

♪ But let me get me some ♪

♪ And look out world ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ Look out world! ♪

♪ Here I ♪

♪ Ching ching chong ching Ching chong chong chong ♪

[CHEERING]

♪ Here I come ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ Look out world ♪

♪ Here I ♪

♪ Ching ching chong ching ching Chong chong chong ♪

♪ Here I come! ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.