Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- How is everything? - Mmmm.

- Perfect. - Good.

- I mean, if I had to come up with one complaint,

it would be that-- that my coffee is not...

quite hot enough, but, uh....

You know, I can't-- I can't imagine a situation...

you know, where I would have to come up with a complaint.

[JOANNA SIGHS]

- And is our real maid, Stephanie,

doing in Newport?

- The Vanderkellens are pampering

my preggo partner to death.

She's not sure she can survive another three-day facial.

- Well, she got through the all-day cuticle soak.

She can get through this.

- Morning, gang.

- Oh, hi, Paul. - Hi, Paul.

- Please feel free to sit in my seat.

- Oh, thanks.

Could you heat this up?

- That's what I pay me for.

- Dick, I came up with a great title

or your Vermont Today special.

Hidden Shame: The Silent Burden.

- You lined up any guests?

- Too busy working on the title.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

What's with the snort, Harris?

- Well, it's just that when I was a VIP at PIV,

I was on top of things.

But then, I was a professional producer,

not some stage-manager- slash-donut-wrangler

who just happened to kiss up to the right head cheese.

- I bet your professionalism comes in real handy

now that you're a bag boy. [SNICKERS]

- Boys, boys.

A-Are you saying that we aren't going to have any guests?

- Dick, it's not easy finding people

who will talk about their shameful secrets.

Especially in a town where no one's done anything shameful.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

- Well, I-I have to agree with Michael's snort.

I mean, with-without guests, you know,

the show is going to--to be lacking a-a certain something.

- Dick, don't worry, you'll have your guests.

We're offering an incentive.

Anyone appearing on Vermont Today

gets a free weekend at the Stratford.

- Oh, goody, more work for me.

- Morning. - Morning, George.

- Oh, hi, Paul. - Oh, hi, George.

Here, take my seat, I kept it warm for you.

- Oh, you sure did.

- See you Sunday, Dick. Bye, Joanna.

Hey, Mikey? "Cleanup on aisle six!"

- Joanna, could you heat this up?

- Why didn't you just get Paul to sit on it?

- Well, Dicksters, don't worry about your special on Sunday,

I'm sure Paulie'll find you gobs of guests.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

- You never told me you were doing a special Vermont Today .

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm part of your life anymore.

- Well, it isn't much of a special, George.

The guests, if--if there are any,

are going to talk about a hidden shame in their lives

and then, uh, spend a weekend at the Stratford.

- What a weird concept for a show.

Dick, would taking someone's car and driving it into a swamp

be considered a hidden shame?

- Well, unless you're one of the Dukes of Hazzard, yes.

W-Why, George?

- No reason. Oh, God.

- George, i-if you're holding something in, t-tell me.

- Okay, but you can't tell anyone.

Not even Joanna.

Not even in the throes of passion.

- George, I-I don't talk about you in the throes of passion.

- Well, my hidden shame happened over 40 years ago.

There was this street gang I wanted to join.

Well, actually it wasn't a street gang,

because the streets hadn't been paved yet.

It was more of a dirt road gang.

To pass my initiation, I had to sneak into a car,

turn up the radio real loud, then run like the dickens.

- Tough gang.

- Anyway, I found a car with the keys inside

and started it up so I could turn on the radio.

But there was a problem.

The car was in gear.

- Whoops!

- That's what I said

just before the car plunged into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Would you like to go on my show

and--and tell your secret to the public?

- No, no.

This whole town thinks of me as little Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.

I'd hate to lose that image.

- Well, we could hide you behind the screen and alter your voice.

- Like you did with that guy that squealed on the Mob?

- Tommy Azari? - Is that who that was?

- No!

- Okay, you talked me into it.

I'll do it. - Great.

- What kind of curtain will I be hiding behind?

Do you have anything in a red and white checkerboard

with an inch-wide gold border?

- No, it's just a plain old curtain.

- All right.

- "Heat it up, Joanna."

"Heat it up, Joanna."

How does Stephanie take this crap?

- And now it's a special Vermont Today,

starring Dick Loudon.

- Hello, and welcome to a special Vermont Today

we're calling Hidden Shame: The Silent Burden .

Our guests will be talking about the years spent

living with shameful secrets

and the joy they felt when they unburdened themselves.

First up is Bruce Gordon.

Hello, Bruce. - Hi, Dick.

- It says here you are a compulsive gambler.

How much would you say you lost during this period?

- Well, I've estimated it at around 60,000 matchsticks.

- And of course, "matchsticks" is a term

hardcore gamblers use to refer to...

- Matchsticks.

- You didn't...

you didn't use money.

- Well, to buy the matchsticks.

- So, over the years, your habit must've cost you what?

Fifty bucks?

- Well, not that much, but...

but it doesn't make my tale any less frightening.

You see, I could never get my hands on enough matches.

Eventually I started stealing from my son's matchstick bridge.

I kept praying he wouldn't notice the bridge getting lower.

And one day, he looked at me and he said,

"Daddy, why doesn't my bridge have any clearance?"

[BRUCE SOBS]

- Our next guest is--

[BRUCE SOBS]

is Dorothy Benson.

Mrs. Benson's shame involves...

the hopefully fascinating area of communications fraud.

- Hello, Dorothy.

- [SQUEAKY VOICE] Hi, Dick.

- Now, what exactly do you mean by communications fraud?

- Well, for years, I phoned my sister in Palm Springs

and never paid for one call.

- And?

- Isn't that enough?

You see, I phoned Emily person-to-person,

and asked for someone fictitious.

For instance, I would tell the operator

I wanted to speak to Apollo, the god of the sun.

My sister would say, "I'm sorry, Apollo just stepped out."

That was my way of telling Sis

it was a sunny day here in Vermont.

- Y-You'd actually ask the operator for the god of the sun?

- Oh, not always.

Now, I might ask for Neptune, the sea god,

if I wanted Sis to know my toilet overflowed.

Or, Hermaphrodite, to say I was feeling sexually ambiguous.

- Our next guilt-ridden guest,

whose shame is so ugly, he won't even show his face,

once took a car and drove it into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Oh!

- Better than matches and gods, huh?

Hello, vile Mr. X.

Mr. X?

The old man behind the curtain.

- [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Who, me?

I sound funny. [CHUCKLE]

Hello. Hello.

Hello?

- Bud, Bud, can you adjust that thing?

It sounds like I'm interviewing a Saturday morning cartoon.

- Sure thing, Dick.

I had the same problem with Tommy Azari.

- Okay, Mr. X.

Tell us in your own words,

but not your own voice, what led to this hidden shame.

- [DEEP CREEPY VOICE] Well, many years ago,

I wanted to join this gang, the Vermont Hooligans.

I had to find a car, turn up the radio real loud,

and run.

Well, I found a car, but there was one problem.

This car had been left in gear, so, when I turned the key...

- Uh, Mr. X?

- Yes, Dick?

- [WHISPERING] That's George Utley.

- Dick.

I-I just want to say congrats.

Nay, super congrats.

George popping his punim over that curtain

was a brilliant fusion of tabloid TV [INDISTINCT].

When you see him, would you give him this?

[CLAPS]

- I talked him out of throwing rose petals at George's feet.

- There he is, Dick.

- Oh, right.

[CLAPS]

- Thank you very much, Dick.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

- Where are you going?

- My guess is Hollywood called.

What did they sound like, George?

Young, I bet.

- I don't know what you're talking about, Michael,

but then, I never do.

- Go west, old man.

La-La Land awaits.

- Well, it's been nice knowing you.

- G-George, y-you aren't really going to La-La Land?

- No, but I am going away to a place

where no one's ever heard of Vermont Today .

It may mean going over that hill,

but I'm prepared to do so.

- Oh, George, you can't run away just because of Dick's show.

I mean, it's not like anybody watches it.

- Even if no one watched, word will get out.

By nightfall, a torch-carrying mob

will run me out of town.

- George, there might be a few small-minded people

in the town, but even they'll forgive you

for something that happened 40 years ago.

- You think?

You're right. These people are my friends.

Thanks, Joanna, I guess I'll go unpack.

It's a good thing I didn't have my mail forwarded

or my features altered.

- Attention.

At ease, Loudon family.

- What's up?

- We're informing everyone about the special meeting tonight.

We're voting on whether or not to run George Utley out of town.

- Also, whether or not we should paint the gazebo.

- This is ridiculous.

- I told you that gazebo is a touchy subject.

- You aren't--you aren't really serious

about--about running George out of town?

- The man committed a crime,

it's our duty to rid this hamlet of scum.

- I thought you liked George.

- We do.

He's a lovely man.

Being scum doesn't change that.

- Historical footnote:

my father, Officer Shifflett Senior,

was sheriff of this town

when the case of the DeSoto in the swamp

with the radio on occurred.

It was the one crime he couldn't solve.

It eventually killed him.

- Your father's still alive.

- The story has more impact this way.

His dying wish was for me to become a peace officer

and crack this case.

Now that it's cracked,

I can become what I always wanted.

A night manager at Wendy's.

- We should go.

You know how long it takes to round up a mob.

- And getting it riled is a chore in itself.

- Now that my secret's out,

I feel like a cloud has been lifted.

The sky is bluer, the grass is greener.

Even my laundry looks brighter and I haven't even done a load.

- Jim and Chester and Officer Shifflett

were just here.

- I'll go pack my bags again.

- Once again, we'd like to thank George Utley for his fine work

organizing this year's Ye Olde Apple Day festival.

Let's hear it for George.

Not so fast, George.

There's still the matter of running you out of town.

- Oh, I was hoping you'd forget.

- Normally, I might have,

but since Jim gave me a beautiful Parker pen

for my birthday,

I've been writing everything down.

- $19.95.

[THE GROUP OOHS]

- Now, for the reason we're here.

All those in favor of running George--

- George, George.

- Oh, before you vote,

I'd like to say something in my behalf.

[THE GROUP MURMURS DISAPPOINTMENT]

It was Joanna's idea.

The truth is, I'm guilty as sin.

What I did was wrong.

Just plain misguided and really, really dumb.

- George, you--you might want to use the word "but."

- Gotcha.

My butt belongs in this town.

This is my home.

I love this place and think of all of you as my family.

I'd like to change what I did but I can't.

I just hope you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me.

And let me stay here until I die.

Thank you.

- Okay.

All in favor of running George out of town, raise your hand.

The citizens have spoken, George.

You have 24 hours to get out.

- I say we give him until high noon tomorrow.

That's the traditional getting-out-of-town time.

- I thought sundown

was the traditional getting-out-of-town time.

- No, sundown is when all the beautiful flowers

close their petals and sleep.

- Someone should install a stupidity alarm in here.

- Those things are no good, Dick.

Mine's always going off for no reason.

- Okay, thank you all for coming.

And George, thanks again for a triumphant Ye Olde Apple Day.

- Bye-bye, George.

- We'll miss you.

- Call once in a while, pal.

- But this--this is idiotic.

Nobody wants George to leave town,

a-and George doesn't want to leave.

You--You people are such a-a bunch of hypocrites.

I mean, e-everyone in this room

h-has done at least one shameful thing.

- WHOLE GROUP: Not me.

- Haven't you ever heard the expression

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"?

- As town librarian,

I'm fairly certain that quote's from the Bible.

- Well, then, as a God-fearing Presbyterian,

there is something I'm hiding.

It has to do with how Chester won the last election for mayor.

- Jim Dixon, you said you'd go to your grave with that secret.

- Well, that was before Dick made me cave in

with that fire and brimstone speech.

I don't want to spend eternity in the hot plate.

- Go ahead, Dixon, spill your guts.

- Oh dear, oh dear!

- Well, remember how Chester won with 50 more votes

than there are people in this town?

Well, that was because he stuffed the ballot box.

[THE GROUP OOHS IN SHOCK]

- Well, you know how it is when you're voting.

A few ballots sometimes stick together.

- Let's run Chester Wanamaker out of town.

[THE GROUP CHEERS]

- As long as we're being loose-lipped,

why don't you tell us how a man who makes $19,000 a year

can own a 12-room beach house in fabulous Waikiki?

- Let's run Jim Dixon out of town.

[THE GROUP CHEERS]

- And to really punish him,

let's give his beach house to me.

- As long as we're talking about sex.

I confess, I'm a wanton woman.

It's true.

I've had intimate relations with several of the married men

in this town, and I'm prepared to name names.

There doesn't seem to be a need to name names now.

- Y-You just saw three people confess.

No, actually, nine people.

Now I want to see the hands of everyone else in the room

who has a hidden shame.

Wh-What did you do?

- I don't want to talk about it.

It happened days before I married you.

- Days?

- Dick's right. We've all done shameful things.

Maybe we should all be run out of town.

[GROUP CHEERS]

- But not George.

After all, his misdeed was a youthful prank.

Our sins were much more heinous and premeditated

and sometimes committed three times in one night.

- Gee, I never heard of a whole town

being run out before.

Where would we go?

- I have an idea.

Since we've all done things to be ashamed of,

couldn't we just stay here?

I mean, this town is too big for one person

and I'd miss you guys.

- Okay, I move we stay here, for George's sake.

All in favor. WHOLE GROUP: Aye.

- Motion is carried.

Town stays where it is.

- Dick, thanks for defending me like you did.

- George, a lot of this was--was my fault.

- Hey, you're right.

Then, thank you, and damn you.

- You're welcome, and I'm sorry.

- I hope you'll start coming to the library.

I'd like to take you into the stacks

and show you a world you never knew existed.

- Tell me again why we left New York?

- You thought New Yorkers were too eccentric?

- Right. Want to move back?

- Oh, I could never show my face in that city again.

Not after...

- Not after what?

- Oh, nothing.

- Would you feel more comfortable

talking behind a curtain?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.