Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- The dinner was to your satisfaction, no?

- To be honest, I didn't care for it.

Ev-every- everything was delicious.

- He did eat all his frog legs.

- You know, I especially liked the--the crunchy parts.

- You ate the knees?

This must be your first visit to Maison Hubert.

Is this a special occasion?

- It's our, uh, 19th anniversary.

- Nineteenth? It cannot be.

Why, you must have snatched him right from the cradle.

Excusez-moi.

- Happy anniversary, honey.

- Oh.

That--that is some ornate, uh...

o-object there.

- I designed it myself.

Go ahead, try it on.

- Which, uh, which ear does it go on?

- It's a tie clip.

- Oh! Oh, right. Right.

Oh, yeah.

That's--that's better.

You know, it fits and... it fits and everything.

- Happy anniversary. - Oh, thank you, honey.

I'm so glad it's not another flat box.

The last thing I need is another yellow scarf.

- They were out of flat boxes.

- Dick, we've been married 19 years

and you've given me 19 yellow scarves.

- Twenty.

I gave you one on the night you proposed.

Now, scarf-giving i-is an old Loudon tradition.

Started... oh, about 20 years ago.

- Just about the same time you started smoking

those smelly cigars after every anniversary dinner.

- You know, this is also Hubert's anniversary.

- There's a Mrs. Hubert?

- In a sense.

Do you know what is the dream of every little French boy?

- To dance the can-can with Jerry Lewis.

- That goes without saying.

It is also the dream to own a chichi gourmet restaurant

in a small village in Vermont.

She has been so good to me these 10 years.

So giving, so very like a woman.

- Well, Hubert, congratulations to you and her.

[DISHES CLATTER]

- Every year, the busboys make a petit surprise for Hubert.

And every year, I act surprised.

How's this?

- I wouldn't change a thing.

- KITCHEN STAFF: Surprise!

- HUBERT: Oh! Pour moi?

- Where are you going?

- [WITH FRENCH ACCENT] To the bathroom.

Another old Loudon tradition.

- Did Stephanie's flight get off on time?

- Well, there was an hour delay.

- Engine trouble?

- No, it took the ground crew that long

to pry me off the landing gear.

Oh, why did she leave me?

- Michael, she just went to Newport to see her folks.

She'll be back in a few days.

- How can you be so sure?

- She only took a dozen suitcases.

- You're right.

And nary a steamer trunk among them.

Hallelujah. My honey's a-coming home.

- How horrible!

- Okay, so my Jolson's a little rusty.

- I'm not talking about you, Michael.

Maison Hubert burned down last night.

- What?

- They think it was a grease fire in the kitchen.

- Any-anyone hurt?

- I'm devastated.

It's a gustatory tragedy.

- I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl.

And this is my other brother Darryl.

- What's--what's with the limp salute?

- Is Darryl mourning the demise of Maison Hubert?

- Oui.

But he also has a far more personal problem.

- And that is? - He wants fat lips.

- Get--get in line.

- After years of watching the ladies

at the Department of Motor Vehicles

flock to the full and voluptuous lips of Darryl,

Darryl here has begun to question the effectiveness

of his own puny pair.

- They look fine to me.

- Would you like them firmly pressed against your own?

- No.

- Then you can see Darryl's predicament.

- Well, as being a possessor of prodigious puckers,

let me offer you a little lip service.

Collagen injections.

The New Age cure for the kissing impaired.

- Was good enough for our Cannes Film Festival

award winner Barbara Hershey.

It's your call, Your Liplessness.

Then let the injections begin.

- See you boys in Cannes.

- Rough night to be a volunteer fireman, huh, George?

- They're not paying me enough for this kind of hell.

Thanks for the scarf, Joanna.

I've been sweating like a pig.

- Understandably.

I mean, you've been battling a towering inferno,

wielding your mighty axe.

- Oh, I didn't do any wielding.

I just took donuts to the other firemen.

- That's putting it on the line.

- It is when the lead hoseman wants honeybuns

every 15 minutes.

- The paper said it was a grease fire in the kitchen.

- No, although that would've worked too.

Turns out some careless smoker tossed a lit cigar

into the trash bin in the men's room.

The chief is fairly sure the culprit is a man.

- Dick.

You went to the men's room,

you smoked that cigar, and you burned down Maison Hubert!

- Joanna, you--you can't go around a-accusing people

with--with nothing more than...

uh... than overwhelming evidence.

- Land-o-goshen, you turned our four-star bistro

into a four-alarm flambé?

- Well, Dick, you have to tell Hubert

that you destroyed his life.

- I-I'd rather--rather not.

- One moment I have everything.

The next, poof, all gone.

Except this espresso maker

I rescued as I knocked the busboys out of my way.

- Did I-- did I tell you how much--

how much I enjoyed our dinner last night?

- The firemen, they were so brave.

They almost saved the kitchen.

But some fool keep pestering them with these pastries.

- I'm sure--sure, you know, the insurance covers everything.

- Of course, I can rebuild but sequels,

they are never as good.

Remember Arthur 2: On the Rocks ?

- Yeah, but how about, uh, Police Academy 6 ?

I-I thought Bubba Smith gave the performance of his life.

- True, true. But without the dynamic Steve Guttenberg,

the film was just so much fluff.

- All right, I'll give you that.

On the other hand--

- Dick!

Didn't you have something else to discuss with Hubert?

- Oh, right. And by the way, feel free,

you know, to stay here for a couple days

until the shock wears off and you're ready to go back home.

- Monsieur Dick...

Maison Hubert means home of Hubert.

- Well, then, feel free to stay here

the rest of your natural life.

- Oh merci, you are too generous to Hubert.

My eyes, they must weep.

[CRIES LOUDLY]

- Here.

Keep it.

- Thank God for my friends.

Thank God for America.

But most of all, thank God for Dick Loudon.

- I uh...

I-I burnt--burnt down your restaurant.

- Pardon?

- I was smoking a cigar in--in the men's room.

- You did this to me? [DEEP INHALES]

- Hubert, are you okay?

- But of course.

In France, you know, we have this saying,

"c'est la vie." "That's life."

- Well, that's what all the people say.

- Riding high in April, burnt down in May.

- Hubert, isn't there anything we can do for you?

- Perhaps some café ?

Oh, Rochelle, her espresso is so full-bodied.

Be gentle with her.

And after, she like to have her filter bathed

with warm soapy water.

And her little spigot wiped with a damp washcloth.

- I'll...let you do that.

- Hubert, I must say y-you're taking this very well.

- In France, we have another saying:

"L'homme qui a incendié ma maison

est de dormir avec les fromages."

- I don't un-understand French. - I translate.

"The man who burn down my house is sleep with the cheeses."

- I don't--I don't even understand it in English.

Where is the cheese part?

- I explain.

There is no escape from the cheese.

From the Holland, there is gouda.

From the Greece, there is feta.

Climb up beanstalk, there is Jack.

- I'm, uh, I'm afraid you lost--you lost me in Greece.

- I will have my revenge, good friend.

You will not know where, you will not know how.

But as long as there is a hair on the side of my head,

I will get you, Dick Loudon.

I will get you!

- Well, what-- what do you mean "get me"?

What happened to, uh, "c'est la vie"?

- You think you can burn down Maison Hubert

and not to pay the piper?

- I-I said I'm sorry. - Oh, you're sorry.

Well, then everything s magnifique, let's go dancing.

En garde , Monsieur!

My reign of terror, it now begins.

- Well, Rochelle is heating up.

- I was just telling Monsieur that when the firemen arrived,

I put them in the no-smoking section.

- Isn't he a riot?

- Yeah, he's--he's killing me.

- Oh, but I am so weary.

I must rest to rebuild my strength.

- Well, Hubert, you take the third room on the left.

And I'll bring your espresso right up.

- Ah, you are too swell.

You and uh...

Monsieur.

- Hubert wants to kill me.

I don't understand all the details but it...

it involves cheese.

- Dick, you're babbling.

- He said that I would sleep with the--the cheeses.

- Dick, take a nap.

- Ah, I see my croissant, they go over like the hotcake!

- Hubert, couldn't you just stay here

and take care of us forever and ever?

- Please?

- Now, now. I'm sure Hubert is a very busy man.

He has other innkeepers to terrorize.

- Monsieur, you know how to tickle the armpit of Hubert.

[SHOUTS] No, no, no!

This one is not for you!

My boo-boo.

The one with the black olive was made special for you.

- I uh...I hate--hate olives.

- It has served its purpose.

Please enjoy.

[EVERYONE MAKES MMMMM SOUNDS]

- Does ar-arsenic smell like spinach?

- Dick, this morbid death wish of yours

is putting a crimp in my croissant.

Let's settle this once and for all, huh?

Hubert, did you poison Dick's omelet?

- Ah, but you are too clever.

Oui , I poisoned Monsieur Dick's omelet.

And I poisoned your omelet,

and yours, and yours, and yours, and yours.

All the omlettes are poisoned.

Run for your lives, run for your lives.

Pff!

- See, Dick. He was using sarcasm to make a point.

- I-I guess it was too subtle for me, George.

- Well, Super Mikey is off to the supermarket.

S'il vous plait , Super Mikey.

Some items for tonight's dinner.

- Endives, asparagus, radicchio, capers, rat poison, croutons.

- We don't have any rats around here.

- Au contraire.

Last night, I saw a big one crawling into your room.

And that rat must be punished.

- But--but he's not a bad rat.

He--he only smoked one cigar.

- He's still peddling his paranoid act.

- I'm at my wit's end.

Attention, attention!

Tonight, a special treat.

Rat poison in the salade Niçoise .

Please dress accordingly.

- What a madcap champ.

I do so admire that.

Hi Jo-Jo. - Hi, Michael.

Morning, everybody.

- Morning.

- Morning, Joanna.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to drive over to Danny's diner

and have some food that's not poisoned.

- Well, don't worry about your brakes.

They're fine now.

- My--my brakes were fine before.

- Hubert didn't think so.

He was afraid they might give out

rounding Johnnycake Curve.

- What a lovely guy.

I'm not sure I could wake up at 3 a.m.

to fix Dick's brakes.

- I'm going to go upstairs and suck up some toothpaste.

JOANNA: See you later, honey.

- Wh-Where are you going?

- To the mall. I'm going to return the yellow...

never mind.

- Well, nay-maybe I'll tag along.

I only say that because there's a deranged Frenchman here

who--who wants to kill me.

- Bye-bye, Dick.

- Don't be surprised if you find me filled full of holes

like a--like a hunk of Swiss!

- See you later, Dick.

- Hey, hey, buddy. What's up?

- Hubert gave me 10 dollars to go to have a drink,

eat dinner, and see a movie.

- You always--always were a cheap, cheap date.

- Thanks.

- You know, I wouldn't mind seeing--seeing a movie.

- I'd ask you to come along

but you've already seen Police Academy 6 .

- Yeah, but that's-- that's the one movie

that I could see over and over again.

- Sorry, Dick, I need a little time away from you.

- Bonjour! - [STARTLES]

- Did the handyman go bye-bye?

- Yes, but if you want him, I can run like the wind

and catch his truck.

- Don't bother!

I'll wait till he returns to give him this.

[SHARP INHALE]

I need him to sharpen it.

It is so dull, it will not even cut through bone.

- Hi.

- Am I glad to see a familiar...

lip.

- A pricey specialist forced Darryl to cut his dream in half.

We should have picked our own doctor

and not listened to Ivana Trump.

- Why don't you guys stay here and tell me the whole story?

Even if it means, you know...

starting with--with your birth.

- Another time perhaps.

We just stopped by to get a reaction to Darryl's lip

from the gentler sex.

Is Miss Joanna available for a quick swoon?

- No, she's-- she's at the mall.

- Come on, Darryl.

Let's go see if your lip gets a rise

out of them babes at the DMV.

- Surprise!

Peek-a-boo.

- Hu-Hubert.

- I just had the uncontrollable urge to run around the house

and come in through the front door.

- Well, now that...

now that I've got my coat on,

I-I think I'll go upstairs and take a nap.

- You sleep on the left side?

- Why--why--why do you ask?

- No particular reason.

[MANIACAL LAUGH]

- Look, I-I-I I can't take this anymore.

I burnt down your restaurant and I deserve to be punished.

But this, I mean, this waiting is--is driving me crazy.

I-If you're going to do something,

do it and--and get it--get it over with.

- You seem uncomfortable.

- Yes.

- And frightened.

- Yes.

- You find it difficult to breathe?

- Yes, yes, yes.

- There, I get you.

- Huh?

- I said I would get you, and I get you.

I get you good!

- How did-- how did you get me?

- You don't eat, you don't sleep.

For one whole day, I make your entire life miserable.

Ha-ha!

- Then you're not trying to kill me?

- If I want to kill you, I make you eat German food.

- That--that's it? It's over?

I won't be sleeping with the... with the cheeses?

- Not unless you want to smell up your sheets!

Come, I cook for you.

You must be famished.

- All--all I had today was a-a bowl of Crest.

- We start with a light appetizer.

Say...cheese puff!

I get you again! [LAUGHS]

- You know, Hubert, you're starting to get on my nerves.

- Hi.

- What--what happened--what happened to Darryl's lip?

- He had it removed.

He discovered it's not the size of a man's lip

the gals at the DMV are interested in.

- Yeah, that's the talk around the locker room.

You know, I-I heard that what motor vehicle women really love

is a guy who's sensitive.

You know, a guy who's--who's not afraid to cry.

- They should've been there

when the doctor ripped Darryl's lip off.

- Yeah, I bet they're kicking themselves.

- Anyway, what really gets them DMV babes revved up

ain't lips at all.

It's these. Whip 'em out, Darryl.

Let's get a move on.

Those lovelies in License Renewal punch out at 4:30.

- Dad was right, I should've married a DMV girl.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.