Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother, Darryl.

- What were those names again?

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl. And this is my other--

- Larry, I was just playing with you.

- I see. Huh?

Darryl says if the playfulness ain't out of your system yet,

he ain't adverse to having his tummy tickled.

- I think the moment has passed.

- Besides a quick tickle, what can we do for you guys?

- We've come for some of your sage advice.

Word has trickled down to us

that a couple of scientists in Utah,

home of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

and the underrated Jimmy Osmond,

are taking credit

for an experiment that we performed.

- Is it the one where you tried to figure out

why popcorn pops but cottage cheese doesn't?

- No. And for future reference,

we're no longer involved in the study of food paradoxes.

This time we created cold fusion in a bottle.

The hard part was emptying out the ketchup.

- Yeah, I heard the scientists in Utah

used the--the wide-necked bottles.

- Well, luckily, Darryl here

has that long reptilian tongue of his.

Our question is, should we sue?

- Well, do--do you have a patent on--on your experiment?

- Of course, we always patent our nuclear breakthroughs.

Also, our line of Sugarless Beaver Pops.

Okay, what's going on?

Every time I say the word "patent"

you two stare at the floor.

You what?

Seems my brothers didn't mail in the patent after all.

Instead of trading our cow for stamps at the post office,

they traded her for three magic beans.

- A guy outside sells them.

It's a clever scam.

He stands by this really tall beanstalk.

Anyone could fall for it.

- Well, without a patent, the Nobel Prize committee

will be passing us over once again.

Come on, Darryl, let's go home and finish off

that three-magic-bean salad.

- Please, give us a room.

I beg of you.

- Uh... okay.

- Bless your soul, how can we ever thank you?

- Well, just--just pay your bill when--when you check out.

- You two look like you could really use a rest.

- Well, you see, we just came back

from an around-the-world cruise

and it was the most horrendous six months we've ever spent.

- Was Leona Helmsley on board?

- We had planned this trip for forty years.

Every penny we earned at the copper smelter

we put aside for our once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

- And then it was ruined

by this most heinous honeymoon couple

who sat at our table.

They turned our dream cruise into a living--

oh, forgive me, Jehosheba-- hell!

- It was the worst experience of our long and hard lives.

Worse than when my poor Obadiah

fell into that vat of molten copper.

- For a year, my face looked like a big penny.

- Y-You've got to be careful around a s-smelter.

- Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay at The Stratford.

We have no vats of copper or obnoxious couples.

- Hi and ahoy, we're home!

Hey, Steph, it's the Hendersons!

- Oh, my Lord!

It's them!

Run, Obadiah, run!

- Those Hendersons, always on the go.

- Michael, hi, welcome home! - Hi, Jo-Jo, thank you.

- How was the cruise? - Sensational.

Ma and Pa Vanderkellen give the best wedding gifts.

So, did you, did you miss us?

- Well, I-- I think we all know the answer to that.

- Aw, we missed you too.

- Why don't I bring in your suitcases?

- Aw, thanks George, the cabbie wanted an extra 20

to haul them in. I said hit the road, hack!

We've got George power.

- Stephanie! - George, hi!

Dick and Joanna, hi!

You are just going to love these beautiful silk scarves I bought.

- Stephanie, you're pregnant!

- Oh, right, I'm radiating for two now.

Anyway, I bought these in this wonderful country

where all the people squinted

like they had just come out of a movie theater.

- Probably somewhere in Asia.

Asians are known for their love of films.

- I can't believe you're not more excited about this.

- Oh, Joanna, we're excited.

But the blessed event isn't for three months still.

I mean, I'm not even showing yet.

- No, if it weren't for all that radiating

we wouldn't have even known you were pregnant.

- Careful, Dick, I made a tugboat joke

and spent five nights bunking with the Hendersons.

- Stephanie, do you realize how much you have to do?

I mean, you have to choose a doctor, pick a hospital,

start reading baby books.

- Joanna, Michael and I decided

we don't want to be those kind of parents.

- You know the types, Jo-Jo, the ones who are always trying

to get involved with their child's birth.

- Right, you have to cut the cord sometime.

What about all the shopping you're going to have to do

before the baby comes?

- Shopping? Michael, she's right,

we only have three months.

- Drat, didn't we buy anything for the baby on the cruise?

How about that ashtray we hoisted

from the Hendersons' state room?

- Wonderful, now Dick and Joanna know what we got them.

- Well, that's...

that's okay, it doesn't dilute the thought.

- Stop the presses.

If we started our prenatal purchasing right now

and bought around the clock, we might just make it

before the wee one arrives.

- You're right. We won't get much sleep,

but we can always make up for that once the baby's born.

Well, let's charge!

- What about unpacking?

- Oh, thanks, Joanna.

And if you should happen across a certain ashtray, enjoy.

- Two down and 27 to go.

Did you get a load of Stephanie?

Boy, I guess they do serve a lot of food on a cruise.

[♪♪♪]

- Steph, is it just me or does this mall seem to be

booming with babies?

- No, you're right.

There's young people with babies

and old people with babies.

Look! There's Rosemary, she even has a baby!

Hi, Rosemary!

- Oh, he's a frisky devil,

I bet he'll be a little hellraiser.

- I'll bet you're due soon.

- How did she know I was pregnant?

- She must've seen us coming out of the maternity shop.

- You're small-boned, like I am.

Giving birth won't be easy for you.

- Everything's easy for me.

My family's loaded.

- Well, be prepared for the worst.

I was in labor for four painful weeks.

I have stretch marks over 90% of my body.

And my ankles are still swollen.

- Good God!

- Oh, you poor thing,

your ankles are thicker than your neck.

- Yes.

But, do you know what makes it all worthwhile?

- You never have to worry about twisting those things?

- This.

- What exactly is that?

- My baby.

- Ew.

- You're frightening my wife.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

- Oh, Michael!

I don't want my body ravaged like that woman's.

- Come on, let's sit down, huh?

Feet up!

Keep the old anks from going the redwood route.

Later, we'll check the bookstore

for something on the ancient art of ankle-binding.

- Sorry to bother you, but my kid's never seen anybody

this pregnant before.

So, you've met Miss Piggy. You happy now?

- First time for you? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's our starter bambino.

- You're in for it. You like sports?

- Well, I enjoy a good synchronized swimming match

as much as the next guy.

- No time for that once the baby's born.

Once a kid comes, your life is pretty much over.

- But I'm still young,

my toenails haven't even begun yellowing.

- You'll age quick once the kid comes.

How old do you think I am?

- 35? - 19.

- Isn't there some rule against bringing your daughter to work?

- I'm stuck with the kid while my wife

takes her ankle reduction class.

- If you don't stop staring,

I'm going to get Cookie Monster to eat you.

- Come on, sweetie, Miss Piggy's washed up anyway.

- Steph, why are they taking off that baby's diaper?

- I have no idea.

Maybe they hid their credit cards in it.

Oh Michael, look.

- Oh, it's not so bad.

They only do it every couple of hours.

- Sometimes they do it every couple of minutes.

- Can you believe it, these sickos

actually get a kick out of this!

- Of course, we love it when little Jonathan

gives us a present.

- Oh, Michael, they think it's a present.

- Gad, I'd hate to be at their house Christmas morning.

- Michael, promise me I'll never have to change diapers.

- There's really nothing to it. Here, you try.

Just take a deep breath and go for it.

- Take a deep breath now, I'll die.

- Come on, do it.

- Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.

[BABY SCREAMS]

- Oh, muffin, our lives are over!

- I know, I know!

[♪♪♪]

- Oh, Michael, what are we going to do?

- Well, let's go to bed.

Maybe we'll wake up and find this whole nightmare

was perchance a dream.

- Michael, this is no dream.

I mean, where is my winged horse?

Where are my near-naked gladiators?

- Well, how's our little mommy and daddy?

[CRYING]

- Looks like our little mommy and daddy

need to be changed.

- Oh sure, you can laugh, you're not having the baby!

- Oh, now look, you're just nervous, don't worry.

Dick and I will help out with the baby.

- You will? - We will?

- And you'll help change the occasional diaper?

- There'll be presents in it for you.

- And you'll feed it when it turns hungry?

- And stay up with it when it turns sick?

- And we'll send it to college when it turns 18.

- Steph, I have to say it, I love these guys!

- Do we get to name the baby too?

- Joanna, it's our child.

- Bingo.

- I like it, but what if it's a girl?

- No, I mean, bingo, it is your child.

We're not going to raise it for you.

- But you said!

- Boy, you two are so ungrateful.

I mean, I have been dusting your stupid banister for years

and you won't do a little thing like be parents to our baby.

[STEPHANIE CRIES]

- Good going, Steph!

Climbing stairs is an excellent form of exercise.

Not that you need to lose weight.

Pretty tactful, huh, Dick?

- You're the smoothest, George.

- Thanks.

- Michael, Stephanie is fine.

Pregnancy can just be a very emotional time for a woman.

- Tell me about it.

Oh, Jo-Jo, I'm not ready for a baby!

[SOBS]

Damn these fertile loins of mine.

[SOBS]

- Here, Dick, you take him.

I'll go comfort the other pregnant woman.

- Oh, Dick! Am I too fertile?

- Yes, yes, Michael, I-I worry every time

you-- you sit close to Joanna on the couch.

Michael, you're, uh, you're going to be a father soon.

And you're going to have to start learning

to act more mature.

[MICHAEL CRIES HYSTERICALLY]

A-And crying like a baby is not, you know, considered... mature.

- Is running away from home mature?

Dick, you don't know what I'm going through.

I mean, outside of that little how-to world of yours,

you don't know a flying fig about life!

- I-I know a lot about life!

- Oh, yeah, sure, right, yeah, uh-huh, right, yeah, sure.

Sure, like, uh, like what?

- Well, uh....

D-- Did you know that the human body is over 98% water?

- Really? That's more than certain melons.

- Look, I-I may not have kids of my own

but I know--I know what you're going through.

You know, when I was 11,

I-I had to take care of--of something

that was completely dependent on--on me.

- What was it? - It was a...

a... [MUTTERING]

- A puppy? - A guppy!

- I see. Was this guppy a pet?

- No, it-- it was a foster child.

Called...

I called my guppy Ethel Merman.

- Because of her ability to belt out show tunes?

- See, I used to get Ethel Merman

mixed up with Esther Williams.

I still-- still have a problem

with Connie Stevens and Joey Heatherton.

- Well, that's a touching tale, Dicksters,

but a guppy do not compare with a baby.

- Ethel--Ethel was still a big responsibility.

I was so worried I-I wouldn't be able to take care of it.

Became like an obsession.

You know, I'd-- I'd clean her tank every day.

I fed her the finest brine shrimp.

I always checked her little body for fin rot.

But I-I still worried, an-and a-after a while

I de-de-developed a-a-a stammer.

- Oh, not you, Dick.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, my parents were sure I was on the verge of snapping.

And then summer came and I-I went away to camp.

- And?

- Well, that's-- that's it.

- That's it?

A pithy packet of prose, but where's the parallel?

- Huh? - The point, man, the point?

- There...

There doesn't seem to be a point.

I mean, you know, I'm sure I-I was heading for one.

You know, all-- all my stories have points.

Or at least some--some sort of of heavy-handed moral.

- Could it be that guppies make good pets?

- No.

- Naming a fish after big Broadway stars

is a major cause of pre-teen stammering in America?

- No.

- Lightbulb! The point of your fish fable is guppy love.

- G-Guppy love? - Aesop-ly.

You're saying Steph and I will love our joy bundle

the way you loved your fish sack

and we won't mind the sacrifices

we'll have to make, right?

- Yeah! Yeah.

That-- that was the-- that was the point I was going for.

- It's so simple yet so convoluted.

- Well, that's...

that's me.

- I've got to go run upstairs and tell Mamma Muffin

your ichthyological allegory right away!

Hey, thanks, Dickles.

By the by, what...

whatever became of Miss Ethel?

- I don't-- I don't know.

- Jeepers, Dick, I hope I stay in closer touch with my baby

than you did with your guppy.

- Yeah, hi, Mom.

Listen, whatever happened to Ethel Merman?

No, no, the-- the fish.

Not the one that was briefly married to Ernest Borgnine.

You--You did what?

Well, I don't care if you did give it a-a 21-flush salute.

It is not the same thing as a Viking funeral!

[♪♪♪]

- And it bugged his parents so much

they stuck him in a camp.

And, Steph, he was only 11.

- Michael, this doesn't sound like one of Dick's stories.

I mean, where's the point?

Where's the heavy-handed moral?

Where are the colorful Dickensian characters

he uses to suck you into his world?

- Well, they're all there in the form of a guppy called Ethel.

Anyway, the nitty of this gritty is...love.

- What does love have to do with a stammering 11-year-old?

- Darn that Dick, he tricked me.

- Michael, I'm so scared.

Do you think anyone else has ever gone through this before?

- No, we're the first.

Would you--

would you like to cry again?

- Yes, I would.

[HYSTERICAL CRYING]

- God, I can't believe it!

- Michael!

- What? - It kicked!

- What kicked? - The baby.

- Do you think we were crying too loud?

- Michael, our baby kicked.

- Our baby kicked...

Our baby kicked!

Gadzooks, Steph, we're having a baby.

The miracle that is birth.

- Aren't we just too wonderful?

- We are, we are!

- Oh, Michael, bless those fertile loins of yours.

[♪♪♪]

- Did you guys know Stephanie was pregnant?

- Well, there were some rumors flying around.

- Why am I always the last to find out?

The same thing happened when World War II ended.

Everybody in town thought it would be so funny

not to tell old George.

'm just grateful Life magazine did that cover story.

You knew World W-- - Yeah.

- I can't believe my mother flushed

Ethel Merman down the toilet.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.