All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E01

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is
my other brother, Darryl.

- What were those names again?

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.
And this is my other--

- Larry, I was just
playing with you.

- I see. Huh?

Darryl says if the playfulness
ain't out of your system yet,

he ain't adverse
to having his tummy tickled.

- I think the moment has passed.

- Besides a quick tickle,
what can we do for you guys?

- We've come for some
of your sage advice.

Word has trickled down to us

that a couple of scientists
in Utah,

home of the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir

and the underrated Jimmy Osmond,

are taking credit

for an experiment
that we performed.

- Is it the one
where you tried to figure out

why popcorn pops
but cottage cheese doesn't?

- No.
And for future reference,

we're no longer involved
in the study of food paradoxes.

This time we created
cold fusion in a bottle.

The hard part was
emptying out the ketchup.

- Yeah, I heard
the scientists in Utah

used the--the wide-necked
bottles.

- Well, luckily, Darryl here

has that long
reptilian tongue of his.

Our question is, should we sue?

- Well, do--do you have
a patent on--on your experiment?

- Of course, we always patent
our nuclear breakthroughs.

Also, our line of
Sugarless Beaver Pops.

Okay, what's going on?

Every time I say the word
"patent"

you two stare at the floor.

You what?

Seems my brothers didn't mail in
the patent after all.

Instead of trading our cow
for stamps at the post office,

they traded her
for three magic beans.

- A guy outside sells them.

It's a clever scam.

He stands by this
really tall beanstalk.

Anyone could fall for it.

- Well, without a patent,
the Nobel Prize committee

will be passing us over
once again.

Come on, Darryl,
let's go home and finish off

that three-magic-bean salad.

- Please, give us a room.

I beg of you.

- Uh... okay.

- Bless your soul,
how can we ever thank you?

- Well, just--just pay your
bill when--when you check out.

- You two look like you
could really use a rest.

- Well, you see,
we just came back

from an around-the-world cruise

and it was the most horrendous
six months we've ever spent.

- Was Leona Helmsley on board?

- We had planned this trip
for forty years.

Every penny we earned
at the copper smelter

we put aside for our
once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

- And then it was ruined

by this most heinous
honeymoon couple

who sat at our table.

They turned our dream cruise
into a living--

oh, forgive me, Jehosheba--
hell!

- It was the worst experience
of our long and hard lives.

Worse than when my poor Obadiah

fell into that vat
of molten copper.

- For a year, my face
looked like a big penny.

- Y-You've got to be
careful around a s-smelter.

- Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy
your stay at The Stratford.

We have no vats of copper
or obnoxious couples.

- Hi and ahoy, we're home!

Hey, Steph, it's the Hendersons!

- Oh, my Lord!

It's them!

Run, Obadiah, run!

- Those Hendersons,
always on the go.

- Michael, hi, welcome home!
- Hi, Jo-Jo, thank you.

- How was the cruise?
- Sensational.

Ma and Pa Vanderkellen
give the best wedding gifts.

So, did you, did you miss us?

- Well, I-- I think we all know
the answer to that.

- Aw, we missed you too.

- Why don't I bring in
your suitcases?

- Aw, thanks George,
the cabbie wanted an extra 20

to haul them in.
I said hit the road, hack!

We've got George power.

- Stephanie!
- George, hi!

Dick and Joanna, hi!

You are just going to love these
beautiful silk scarves I bought.

- Stephanie, you're pregnant!

- Oh, right,
I'm radiating for two now.

Anyway, I bought these
in this wonderful country

where all the people squinted

like they had just come out
of a movie theater.

- Probably somewhere in Asia.

Asians are known
for their love of films.

- I can't believe you're not
more excited about this.

- Oh, Joanna, we're excited.

But the blessed event
isn't for three months still.

I mean,
I'm not even showing yet.

- No, if it weren't
for all that radiating

we wouldn't have even known
you were pregnant.

- Careful, Dick,
I made a tugboat joke

and spent five nights
bunking with the Hendersons.

- Stephanie, do you realize
how much you have to do?

I mean, you have to choose
a doctor, pick a hospital,

start reading baby books.

- Joanna,
Michael and I decided

we don't want to be
those kind of parents.

- You know the types, Jo-Jo,
the ones who are always trying

to get involved
with their child's birth.

- Right, you have to cut
the cord sometime.

What about all the shopping
you're going to have to do

before the baby comes?

- Shopping?
Michael, she's right,

we only have three months.

- Drat, didn't we buy anything
for the baby on the cruise?

How about
that ashtray we hoisted

from the Hendersons' state room?

- Wonderful, now Dick and Joanna
know what we got them.

- Well, that's...

that's okay,
it doesn't dilute the thought.

- Stop the presses.

If we started our prenatal
purchasing right now

and bought around the clock,
we might just make it

before the wee one arrives.

- You're right.
We won't get much sleep,

but we can always make up
for that once the baby's born.

Well, let's charge!

- What about unpacking?

- Oh, thanks, Joanna.

And if you should happen across
a certain ashtray, enjoy.

- Two down and 27 to go.

Did you get a load of Stephanie?

Boy, I guess they do serve
a lot of food on a cruise.

[♪♪♪]

- Steph, is it just me
or does this mall seem to be

booming with babies?

- No, you're right.

There's young people
with babies

and old people with babies.

Look! There's Rosemary,
she even has a baby!

Hi, Rosemary!

- Oh, he's a frisky devil,

I bet he'll be
a little hellraiser.

- I'll bet you're due soon.

- How did she know
I was pregnant?

- She must've seen us coming out
of the maternity shop.

- You're small-boned,
like I am.

Giving birth won't be
easy for you.

- Everything's easy for me.

My family's loaded.

- Well, be prepared
for the worst.

I was in labor
for four painful weeks.

I have stretch marks
over 90% of my body.

And my ankles are still swollen.

- Good God!

- Oh, you poor thing,

your ankles are thicker
than your neck.

- Yes.

But, do you know
what makes it all worthwhile?

- You never have to worry
about twisting those things?

- This.

- What exactly is that?

- My baby.

- Ew.

- You're frightening my wife.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.

- Oh, Michael!

I don't want my body
ravaged like that woman's.

- Come on, let's sit down, huh?

Feet up!

Keep the old anks
from going the redwood route.

Later, we'll check the bookstore

for something on the ancient art
of ankle-binding.

- Sorry to bother you,
but my kid's never seen anybody

this pregnant before.

So, you've met Miss Piggy.
You happy now?

- First time for you?
- Yeah.

- Yeah,
it's our starter bambino.

- You're in for it.
You like sports?

- Well, I enjoy a good
synchronized swimming match

as much as the next guy.

- No time for that
once the baby's born.

Once a kid comes,
your life is pretty much over.

- But I'm still young,

my toenails
haven't even begun yellowing.

- You'll age quick
once the kid comes.

How old do you think I am?

- 35?
- 19.

- Isn't there some rule against
bringing your daughter to work?

- I'm stuck with the kid
while my wife

takes her ankle reduction class.

- If you don't stop staring,

I'm going to get Cookie Monster
to eat you.

- Come on, sweetie,
Miss Piggy's washed up anyway.

- Steph, why are they taking
off that baby's diaper?

- I have no idea.

Maybe they hid
their credit cards in it.

Oh Michael, look.

- Oh, it's not so bad.

They only do it
every couple of hours.

- Sometimes they do it
every couple of minutes.

- Can you believe it,
these sickos

actually get a kick out of this!

- Of course, we love it
when little Jonathan

gives us a present.

- Oh, Michael,
they think it's a present.

- Gad, I'd hate to be at
their house Christmas morning.

- Michael, promise me I'll
never have to change diapers.

- There's really nothing to it.
Here, you try.

Just take a deep breath
and go for it.

- Take a deep breath now,
I'll die.

- Come on, do it.

- Oh God, oh God,
oh God, oh God.

[BABY SCREAMS]

- Oh, muffin,
our lives are over!

- I know, I know!

[♪♪♪]

- Oh, Michael,
what are we going to do?

- Well, let's go to bed.

Maybe we'll wake up
and find this whole nightmare

was perchance a dream.

- Michael, this is no dream.

I mean,
where is my winged horse?

Where are my
near-naked gladiators?

- Well, how's our
little mommy and daddy?

[CRYING]

- Looks like
our little mommy and daddy

need to be changed.

- Oh sure, you can laugh,
you're not having the baby!

- Oh, now look, you're
just nervous, don't worry.

Dick and I will help
out with the baby.

- You will?
- We will?

- And you'll help change
the occasional diaper?

- There'll be presents
in it for you.

- And you'll feed it
when it turns hungry?

- And stay up with it
when it turns sick?

- And we'll send it to
college when it turns 18.

- Steph, I have to say it,
I love these guys!

- Do we get to
name the baby too?

- Joanna, it's our child.

- Bingo.

- I like it,
but what if it's a girl?

- No, I mean,
bingo, it is your child.

We're not going to raise it
for you.

- But you said!

- Boy, you two
are so ungrateful.

I mean, I have been dusting
your stupid banister for years

and you won't do a little thing
like be parents to our baby.

[STEPHANIE CRIES]

- Good going, Steph!

Climbing stairs is
an excellent form of exercise.

Not that you need
to lose weight.

Pretty tactful, huh, Dick?

- You're the smoothest, George.

- Thanks.

- Michael, Stephanie is fine.

Pregnancy can just be a very
emotional time for a woman.

- Tell me about it.

Oh, Jo-Jo,
I'm not ready for a baby!

[SOBS]

Damn these
fertile loins of mine.

[SOBS]

- Here, Dick, you take him.

I'll go comfort
the other pregnant woman.

- Oh, Dick!
Am I too fertile?

- Yes, yes, Michael,
I-I worry every time

you-- you sit close to Joanna
on the couch.

Michael, you're, uh, you're
going to be a father soon.

And you're going to have to
start learning

to act more mature.

[MICHAEL CRIES HYSTERICALLY]

A-And crying like a baby is not,
you know, considered... mature.

- Is running away
from home mature?

Dick, you don't know
what I'm going through.

I mean, outside of that little
how-to world of yours,

you don't know
a flying fig about life!

- I-I know a lot about life!

- Oh, yeah, sure, right, yeah,
uh-huh, right, yeah, sure.

Sure, like, uh, like what?

- Well, uh....

D-- Did you know that the human
body is over 98% water?

- Really?
That's more than certain melons.

- Look, I-I may not have
kids of my own

but I know--I know
what you're going through.

You know, when I was 11,

I-I had to take care
of--of something

that was completely
dependent on--on me.

- What was it?
- It was a...

a... [MUTTERING]

- A puppy?
- A guppy!

- I see.
Was this guppy a pet?

- No, it--
it was a foster child.

Called...

I called my guppy Ethel Merman.

- Because of her ability
to belt out show tunes?

- See, I used to get
Ethel Merman

mixed up with Esther Williams.

I still--
still have a problem

with Connie Stevens
and Joey Heatherton.

- Well, that's a touching tale,
Dicksters,

but a guppy do not compare
with a baby.

- Ethel--Ethel was still
a big responsibility.

I was so worried I-I wouldn't
be able to take care of it.

Became like an obsession.

You know, I'd--
I'd clean her tank every day.

I fed her the
finest brine shrimp.

I always checked her
little body for fin rot.

But I-I still worried,
an-and a-after a while

I de-de-developed
a-a-a stammer.

- Oh, not you, Dick.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, my parents were sure
I was on the verge of snapping.

And then summer came
and I-I went away to camp.

- And?

- Well, that's-- that's it.

- That's it?

A pithy packet of prose,
but where's the parallel?

- Huh?
- The point, man, the point?

- There...

There doesn't seem
to be a point.

I mean, you know, I'm sure I-I
was heading for one.

You know, all--
all my stories have points.

Or at least some--some sort of
of heavy-handed moral.

- Could it be that guppies
make good pets?

- No.

- Naming a fish
after big Broadway stars

is a major cause of pre-teen
stammering in America?

- No.

- Lightbulb! The point of
your fish fable is guppy love.

- G-Guppy love?
- Aesop-ly.

You're saying Steph and I
will love our joy bundle

the way you loved
your fish sack

and we won't mind
the sacrifices

we'll have to make,
right?

- Yeah!
Yeah.

That-- that was the-- that was
the point I was going for.

- It's so simple
yet so convoluted.

- Well, that's...

that's me.

- I've got to go run upstairs
and tell Mamma Muffin

your ichthyological
allegory right away!

Hey, thanks, Dickles.

By the by, what...

whatever became of Miss Ethel?

- I don't-- I don't know.

- Jeepers, Dick, I hope I stay
in closer touch with my baby

than you did with your guppy.

- Yeah, hi, Mom.

Listen, whatever happened
to Ethel Merman?

No, no, the-- the fish.

Not the one that was briefly
married to Ernest Borgnine.

You--You did what?

Well, I don't care if you did
give it a-a 21-flush salute.

It is not the same thing
as a Viking funeral!

[♪♪♪]

- And it bugged his parents
so much

they stuck him in a camp.

And, Steph, he was only 11.

- Michael, this doesn't sound
like one of Dick's stories.

I mean, where's the point?

Where's the heavy-handed moral?

Where are the colorful
Dickensian characters

he uses to suck you
into his world?

- Well, they're all there in the
form of a guppy called Ethel.

Anyway, the nitty of
this gritty is...love.

- What does love have to do
with a stammering 11-year-old?

- Darn that Dick,
he tricked me.

- Michael, I'm so scared.

Do you think anyone else has
ever gone through this before?

- No, we're the first.

Would you--

would you like to cry again?

- Yes, I would.

[HYSTERICAL CRYING]

- God, I can't believe it!

- Michael!

- What?
- It kicked!

- What kicked?
- The baby.

- Do you think
we were crying too loud?

- Michael, our baby kicked.

- Our baby kicked...

Our baby kicked!

Gadzooks, Steph,
we're having a baby.

The miracle that is birth.

- Aren't we just too wonderful?

- We are, we are!

- Oh, Michael, bless those
fertile loins of yours.

[♪♪♪]

- Did you guys know
Stephanie was pregnant?

- Well, there were some
rumors flying around.

- Why am I always
the last to find out?

The same thing happened
when World War II ended.

Everybody in town
thought it would be so funny

not to tell old George.

'm just grateful Life magazine
did that cover story.

You knew World W--
- Yeah.

- I can't believe
my mother flushed

Ethel Merman down the toilet.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.