Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Hi. I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows. What's new?

- It seems a few years back, we borrowed some sugar from you

and never returned it.

Today, as serendipity would have it,

Darryl found it when he inadvertently

reached into the wrong pocket for his tube of Orajel.

- Guys, why--why don't you just--just keep the sugar?

Joanna and I recently decided to become, um, hypoglycemic.

- We felt it was time.

- Well, you know where it is if you start to get dizzy.

Excuse me, but I can't help noticing

you pay your own gas bill.

- Of course. Who else would pay it?

- Johnny Carson pays ours.

- Johnny Carson, th-the one that hosts The Tonight Show ?

- He has time to do both things.

It only takes a few minutes to write a check.

- And he does have his Monday nights off.

- Some-Somehow, I'm skeptical.

- I'll show you the TV Guide .

- No, I-I mean about Johnny Carson

paying their gas bill.

- I don't think Dick believes us.

- No, I'm just saying, you know, it seems farfetched.

You know, maybe if you had said Jay Leno...

- We've got better things to do than stand here

and be humored by an ersatz hypoglycemic.

Come on, Darryl, I guess there's no point in telling him

who pays our cable bill.

- I bet it's George Maharis.

- Hi, Michael. How are things at the market?

- Super.

But call me Mikey.

Bag boys' names have to end in "y" or "ie."

Some union thing.

- I see you're bringing your work home with you.

- Yeah, it's bread. It's one of the few

fringe bens of the bag boy biz.

You get all the day-old white and wheat you want.

And since my crust runneth over,

this bread's for you.

- Thanks, Mikey.

- Hi, Steph.

- Hi, Michael.

This is Todd, a man.

- Stephanie, I don't mind if you call Todd a man,

Todd a date, unless of course he's not a date.

In which case, he's wasted a snootful of good cologne.

- So how--how was your, uh, date?

- Oh, great. Just great.

What a great, great date.

- Was it great for you too?

- The greatest.

Todd is such a date.

- You make it easy.

I'll call you tomorrow.

You are great.

- No, you are.

- Great.

- Well, I'm so glad you two hit it off.

You know, sometimes when you fix people up,

it doesn't work out and--

- The date's done. Todd's a lerp.

- You wonder why you even bothered.

What's wrong with him?

- He hasn't the vaguest idea how to treat a woman.

He only told me I looked ravishing four times.

- The swine.

Perhaps as a fetus he didn't get enough oxygen.

- I mean, this dress alone is worth going on and on about.

And then he took me to some stupid boring play,

The Taming of the -- something.

- Shrew .

- I heard that, Dick.

- Well, Stephanie, if you had such a miserable time,

why did you let him think you'd go out with him again?

- I didn't want to destroy him.

And besides, since this whole thing's your fault,

you'll have to destroy him for me.

- What?

- Well, that seems fair.

- Boy, there sure are a lot of losers out there,

and you seem to know them all.

- Brainstorm, Steph, let Michael find you someone.

- You'd do that for me?

- Who better than I?

We were a cupcake twin pack for five years.

I've read all your diaries.

- What?

- Did I say I've read them?

Well--hey, ravishing dress.

- Good save.

- Besides, I'd like to think I'm still your friend.

- Well, I guess enough time has passed

since we split up that we could be friends.

And while you're finding a guy for me,

I'll find a girl for you.

- Fabtastic.

- Now, where will we find these someones?

- Where else? The mall.

- Of course.

Let's get started.

Oh, he's cute.

- Steph, bad hair, needs gel.

- You're right.

- How about her?

- Tendency towards weight gain.

I can tell, even without my calipers.

- What an eye you have.

- Him?

- Doesn't know the 60s are over.

- Maybe I'm not being critical enough.

How about that one?

- Now that passerby is possible.

Excuse me, sir?

Could we ask you a few questions?

- Sure.

- Name?

- Dirk Anderson.

- Occupation?

- Bag boy.

- Ew.

Oh sorry, Michael.

- Dirky?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without your day-old birthday cakes.

- I left them in the car.

- Talk shop later. - Oh, right. Sorry.

Is your adjusted gross income from line 30

of last year's tax return above $100,000?

- What are you, stupid? I've only been bagging

for 12 years.

- Thank you. Please move on.

- What are these questions for anyway?

- Well, we're... testing soft drinks.

- Shouldn't you give me a soft drink to taste?

- You don't make enough to taste our soft drinks.

Now, please move on.

- See you at worky, Dirky.

Hey, how about her?

- Has possibilities.

Excuse me, come over here, please.

Name?

- Stacy Willows.

- Favorite magazine?

- National Review .

- I'm not sure what that is, but I'm still taking points off.

Have you ever sat through an entire Shakespeare play

without falling asleep?

- How could anyone fall asleep watching Shakespeare?

- Well, if you have to ask that, please, move on.

- We have got to talk to mall security.

They're letting in just about anything these days.

Name?

- Brett.

- Brett what?

- Brett Shwinkin.

- Thank you, please move on.

- Hold...hold, please.

Steph, we've been here all day.

Maybe we should lower our standards.

- We're not lowering them to Shwinkin.

Go, please.

- Excuse me, but didn't the two of you

once give me a fashion citation?

- I wouldn't think so.

I don't see any obvious violations.

- That's because your citation really had an effect on me.

I was forced to reevaluate my entire life and color sense.

I am now possibly the best dressed bag boy in my grocery.

- Bretty?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without your ripped sacks of flour.

- They're in the car.

- Well, keep up the good work, you hear?

- Bye-bye now. - Later.

- Is it some sort of bag boy holiday?

- Mall is closing in five minutes.

- Oh, we can't leave yet. We haven't found our dates.

- Why don't you go hang out with the other mall rats

in front of Mr. Stiffy's motel?

There's a lot of dates down there.

- You don't understand.

We're doing a scientific survey to find our spiritual mates.

- And you haven't interviewed me?

- Name?

- Barber.

Floyd D. Barber.

- Do you net over $100,000 a year?

- No, but I will soon.

I just finished a screenplay

and people are saying good things about it.

- Very nice. Please move on.

- Hey, how about her? She seems to have date survey potench.

- Sure, for the plain Jane type.

We better leave before your eyes go completely.

- Excuse me, miss.

Can we ask you a few questions?

- All right.

- Name? - Jennifer Allison.

- Sounds like it was changed from something.

Probably Shwinkin.

- Favorite magazine?

- Oh, either Cosmo or Vogue .

Please don't make me choose which one.

- Michael, she's all wrong for you.

She's wishy-washy.

- Hey, are you two screening for dates?

- How'd you know?

- I do the same thing all the time.

I haven't had much luck though.

Of course, I've never surveyed you before.

[SNORTS]

- How do you feel about Shakespeare?

- Oh, I love him.

He makes the best pizza in the mall.

- Steph, wipe off that frown and cheer up, fabtastic.

This is my dream girl.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

And this, for your inspection,

is five years' worth of gas bill receipts.

- "Johnny Carson paid this gas bill."

He wrote this? - No, I did.

- Well, Larry, that doesn't prove

that he pays your gas bill.

- I see.

So you're implying that we'd mess up

a perfectly good gas bill

just to pull off an elaborate hoax?

We're shocked.

In fact, Darryl can't even look you in the eye.

It has nothing to do with that sty of his.

- Dick, I can't help feeling a little hurt.

- W-Why is that, George?

- Well, Johnny Carson pays their gas bill.

Who's ever offered to pay mine?

- George, I-I pay your gas bill.

- And that's the best I can do?

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- Joanna, did you dump Todd for me?

- Sort of.

I told him you're off to Paris for a year

to train for the Tour de France bicycle race.

- Well, at least you didn't tell him something silly.

- Joanna, I said dump the guy, not lie to him.

You can be so mean sometimes.

- Greetings, innkeep, housekeep.

- Hi, Mikey.

- Stephy, I just stopped by the mall.

- Did you buy me something? - Did I buy you some--

Well actually I-- hey, ravishing babushka.

- Another classic save.

- Anyway, I was cruising by the sporting goods store

to give Jennifer a morning yoho,

and as luck would have it, she was just starting her break.

We spent the entire ten minutes just talking.

- What did you find to talk about all that time?

- Shoes.

I mean, I used to sell slingbacks,

sandals and slippers, while she sells

Reeboks by the seed store.

- Oh, she's got a real challenging job.

- And to think my ex-cupcake brought me

to my cupcake in the baking.

I mean, thanks to you,

we're having a dream date dinner at Danny's Diner at eight-ish.

Thanks for the love connection, Steph.

You're the best friend a guy ever had.

- No, that--that would be Johnny Carson.

- Now are you ready to order?

- Actually, I'm still waiting for my gal pal,

but I'm sure she'll be here soon.

- Probably still trying to pick out just the right ball gown

to wear to this elegant ristorante.

- She'll be here, Flo, all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Stephanie?

- Michael.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I just suddenly got a craving

for something gray and wet.

Say, weren't you supposed to meet your dream date

here tonight?

- Yeah, she's a tad tardy.

Maybe there's a traffic tie-up.

- Well, you know these country roads.

I hear a cow jackknifed on Harley Memorial Bridge.

Milk everywhere.

Look, I don't want to cramp your style.

I'll just grab this booth over here.

- Well, look, as long as I'm sitting here--

- Okay.

- About time you showed, hon.

- Oh, actually, this isn't my date.

This is my ex-girlfriend.

- And she knows about the new one?

- She practically picked her out for me.

- Only thing I want to pick out for my ex is a headstone.

- So, is this the kind of place you eat at these days?

- On special occasions.

Usually I just stay home and make a nice

day-old bread sandwich or some day-old bread pudding.

- Well, things are always a little tough

when you're starting your life over,

but you have a new job, new outlook, new haircut.

- And maybe a new girlfriend.

- Yeah.

- You know, going to that sanitarium

was the best thing that I ever did.

I mean, I was falling apart,

and they put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Gee, what's keeping Jennifer? Maybe I should call the store.

- She's not coming.

- She's not?

- Somebody called her and told her to stay home.

- Who would do a thing like that?

- Uh, your mother.

- My mother's in Finland getting a chemical peel.

- Oh, then I guess it was me.

- You blew off my babe?

- I had to, Michael.

Jennifer isn't good enough for you.

- Oh, really? And just who are you

to make that decision for me?

- Your friend. - Oh, yeah?

Well as your friend, I say keep your little pert,

little cute, little button nose out of my business.

- Now you're talking like exes.

- Of course it's my business.

I know you better than anybody else.

I used to dress you.

- Oh yeah? Well, I found I could dress myself

the day I dumped you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, your shoes don't even match your belt.

- All right, so I make mistakes, but they're mine.

They're all mine, and for once,

I don't have you bossing me around.

- And I don't have you tugging at my ankles

like some whining puppy begging me

to tell them what to do.

For once in my life, I can think about me, me, me.

- Well, that's all you ever think about is you, you, you.

You are the most self-centered,

egotistical little Daddy's girl who ever lived.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, you are the most obnoxious,

immature crybaby I ever met in my life.

And I hate your haircut.

- Well, then why are you here?

- Because I love you, dammit. - Oh, yeah?

Well, dammit, I love you too.

- So what now?

- Please, if you could just give me

Stephanie's address in Paris.

- I forget. It's on Rue de something.

- Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find.

I know how important cycling is to her,

but I just feel that she's the one for me,

and I know in my gut that she feels the same way.

- Hi, everybody. - Hi, everybody.

- Oh, it's-- Looks like your guts

are playing you for a fool.

- Where are you two going?

- Why, to bed of course.

- May-Maybe we missed a beat here.

I thought you were just friends.

- Oh, we're not friends anymore.

We're married.

- We just eloped. Neato, huh?

- Goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Joanna.

Goodbye, Todd.

Joanna, could you give us a wakeup call, say, noon-ish?

- This is the front desk.

It's--it's noon-ish.

Time--time for your wakeup call.

Steph-Stephanie, I can't hear you.

Can you stop Michael from singing "After The Lovin'"?

Fine, I'll call you around four-ish.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi. I'm Larry,

this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

And here's Mr. Carson.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- You're--you're--you're Johnny Carson.

- And you're the yahoo that called my friend Larry a liar.

- Well, I mean, d-do you really p-pay their gas bill?

- Hey, Sparky, do I tell you what to do with your money?

- Easy, Johnny. He ain't worth it.

Come on, Darryl. We gotta get Mr. Carson

on that noon-ish shuttle back to Burbank.

- You know what really irks me about people like you?

All you ever do is take, take, take.

Why don't you give once in a while?

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- It isn't easy being me.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.