Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Come on, Petey, talk.

- Tell me, M-Mrs. Collins, um,

when--when did you first start believing

that your--your bird could talk?

- I think the cameras are making him nervous.

Could you turn them off?

- I'm sorry, someone should have briefed you on how TV works.

- Come on, Petey, do the Twilight Zone.

You're traveling through another dimension.

Petey, you know this.

A dimension not only of sight and sound,

but of...of what, Petey?

Of what, Petey?

- Well, I'm afraid we're out of time.

If you'd like a transcript of today's show,

you're out of your mind.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- You blew it, Petey.

- Dick, that was a good show.

No, really.

And the crew seemed pleased too.

- That's because somebody brought donuts to work today.

- Hello, Joanna. - Hi, Mr. Grad.

- Well, Loudon, that was another milestone in television.

- Well, I can't take all the credit, Mr. Grad.

It was your idea to book Petey.

- Dick, have you seen your ratings lately?

They're not good.

They're not good at all.

- Yeah, but I-I'm up against tough competition,

an-and I'm sure that those-- you know,

those fly fishing shows have pretty much run their course.

- Dick, let me tell you.

Let me tell you something about TV.

It's not radio.

The audience wants to see people

who are great looking with killer smiles.

- Like--like Petey?

- I had great hopes for him.

- You may call me a radical,

but I-I think people want to watch shows that have content.

- Dick, do you ever think before you speak?

I could give Joanna a show

and she'd get better ratings than you.

- That's very flattering,

but I wouldn't know the first thing

about hosting a show.

- Honey, he-he's not saying he's going to give you a show.

He's just saying that he'd pick you over me and Petey.

- Now, wait--wait a minute.

Actually, not such a bad idea giving you a show.

I mean, you're great looking.

Smile for me.

You've got a killer smile.

- Thank you.

You should hear me laugh.

- Laugh for me.

Joanna, what do you do at the inn?

- Well, I do the books.

- There you go.

- You're going to give her a show

where she smiles and laughs an-and totals receipts?

- Do you think it needs more?

- Well, I'm also a real estate agent.

- Bingo, that's the show

and I'm going to try you out in Dick's time slot.

- What?

- Oh! Oh, I couldn't do that to Dick.

Could I, honey? - No!

Look, my--my ratings aren't that bad.

That show that's on before me, I do much better than that show.

Reverend Millmore's "send me all your money" show.

- All right, all right!

The rev is out, the babe is in.

- Dick, isn't this exciting?

I'm going to have my own TV show.

And I'll be your lead in.

PETEY: You're traveling through another dimension.

You not only have sight and sound, but a bright mind.

- Okay, there's your coffee.

Now, what's the good news?

- Wait until George gets here.

That way, I won't have to say it twice.

- Right, like you never repeat yourself.

- Well, I'm here.

What's the big news?

- Starting next Sunday,

I'm going to have my own TV show.

- Congratulations, Joanna.

- I don't get it.

This news has nothing to do with me.

- Well, not directly.

I just thought you'd be excited to hear it.

- Oh, I am.

Now I can say I serve coffee to two people who have TV shows.

- What kind of program is it?

Is it another fly fishing show?

I can never get my fill of those.

- Sorry George, it's going to be a real estate show.

I'll be showing videotapes of houses

that are on the market.

- Oh. So I guess you won't have any trout on your show.

- Not unless they're good looking

and have a killer smile.

- I'm going to be on right before Vermont Today .

- Oh, no.

That's Reverend Millmore's time slot.

Now he won't have the money

to build his walk-onto-water slide

at Reverend Millmore's Bible Country, USA.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

Oh, and this is my other brother Darryl's manservant, Charles.

- I, uh, knew you'd be the first brother to get a manservant.

- Larry, where did Charles come from?

- We found him on our doorstep when we came home.

- We're lucky to find a newspaper on our doorstep.

- That's funny, Darryl's always finding newspapers

on your doorstep.

- Before this conversation becomes interminable,

I was a birthday gift from Darryl's Great Aunt Priscilla.

- Yeah, Darryl's her favorite.

She's always been a sucker

for his Sholem Aleichem-like folksy humor.

- Well, sh-she sounds like a very generous and wacky woman.

- Larry, what's Darryl going to do with a manservant?

- He hasn't the foggiest.

- I draw baths, I look after the master's clothing,

I announce visitors.

In general, I buttle.

- Are you any good at turtle stomp?

- I should think not, no.

- That's what we were afraid of.

- Darryl, that's also what a manservant does.

He picks things off one's clothes.

- I guess Charles will come in handy.

Those turtle pieces stick like glue.

Come on, Darryl, Charles.

- Charles?

Ch-Charles, you--you dropped something.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Yo yo, JoJo.

Dick-Dick.

Did you know Larry and the Darryl duplex have a butler?

- They prefer the term "manservant."

Keeps Charles in his place.

- Look what he gave me.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Speaking of giving,

Mr. Grad gave me my own show on WPIV.

- Jiffy pop, Joanna, congrats.

I always knew you had TV cue potench.

- I'll be Dick's lead-in.

- Stuffing plus, back-to-back Loudons?

I guess I'll finally have to force myself

to watch Vermont Today .

- You never watched Vermont Today?

You produced it.

- Doesn't mean I had to watch it.

- How does WPIV's newest star like her set?

- She loves it.

Oh, what's that spotlight for?

- Oh, that's so we can get a good look at your legs.

Lots of shows use them.

- Edward R. Murrow popularized them.

- It's so bright.

I should have worn a sunscreen.

- Now that's the kind of banter I want to hear on your show.

- Doesn't it take two to banter?

Who's that?

- Justin Witter, big soap star.

He just got killed off Lovers in Love .

He'll be your co-host.

- You really think I need a co-host?

- Justin's only here to bring in the female viewers.

We've already got you for the men.

- Who--who--who do I bring in?

- Well, judging from your fan mail,

a guy named Frank.

ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds.

- Dick, ten seconds.

And he was talking to me.

- Fra-Fra-Frank who?

- Hi, Justin Witter, Lovers in Love

and various well-received dinner theater productions

of Barefoot in the Park.

- Joanna Loudon, well-received real estate agent.

ANNOUNCER: In five, four, three...

- Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon,

and this is my co-host, Justin Witter.

- Hi, Vermont.

- We'd like to welcome you to the first edition

of Your House Is My House .

[JUSTIN CLEARS THROAT]

Our House.

We'll be taking you through some of the fabulous homes

that are on the market, if that's all right with you.

- Anything you do is all right with me.

- Oh.

Our first home,

located in exclusive Johnny Cake Ridge Estates,

has three bedrooms, two and a half baths,

a lovely gourmet kitchen.

- Excuse me, Joanna.

Can we back up a bit?

- To what?

- To the bedrooms, and this time,

let's linger a while, if you know what I mean.

- Well, the master suite has a large walk-in closet,

French doors that lead out to the spa.

- Oh, a dip in the spa sounds pretty good right now,

if you know what I mean.

- What--what--what does he mean?

- Dick, relax. This show's going to get big numbers,

and because you follow,

your show's going to get thousands of new viewers too.

- There's a charming wood burning fireplace.

- Ooooh, that fireplace is making me hot,

if you know what I mean.

- Saw your show, Joanna.

Hot-cha-cha.

Tss.

- Maybe he's just trying to say he wants some bacon.

- George, my show is not supposed to be hot-cha-cha.

I'm selling real estate.

- It was hard to tell what you were selling.

- So, did you--did you see my show?

- When's that on again?

- Ri-Right after Joanna's show.

- Then I missed it.

After watching Joanna,

I had to go out and lift heavy objects.

- Oh, good! Joanna, you're home.

I have a question.

- What is it?

- I don't know that much about TV,

but isn't it tacky to come onto your co-host like that?

- Stephanie, he came on to me.

- Well, you encouraged him

with those double entendres about houses.

And by the way, that leg light has to go.

The idea is to accentuate the positive.

N-Not to change the subject, t did you catch Vermont Today ?

- No.

After Joanna's flesh act...

I took a ritual purification bath.

I was busy scrubbing my skin raw.

Joanna, I'm as open-minded as the next person,

but I can't help feeling you're going to burn for this.

- Dick, will you help me kill Justin?

- Joanna, I know you're mad,

but a little sexual tension might help Hot Houses .

- Hot Houses ?

What happened to Your House is My House?

- Mr. Grad wanted a-a steamier title.

You should be relieved.

I talked him out of Rooms for Love.

- I'm a smut peddler.

- Yes, but I mean, i-it's smut with redeeming social values.

Honey, your--your show is going to be a hit,

which means my show is going to be a hit,

so in a way, I mean, I'm, you know,

I'm--I'm dealing in smut too.

- Thank you, Dick.

Thank you for making no sense.

And thank you for letting your wife be degraded

for some stupid ratings.

- Joanna, normally I would be the last guy

to--to stand by and watch you be degraded,

but I mean, you know, i-it's sweeps week.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl's second.

- Hi guys, what can we do for you?

- We've come for more advice,

but first we'd like to congratulate Miss Joanna

on her softcore porno real estate show.

- Thank you.

I saw there was a need for it

and with Dick's encouragement,

I'm filling it.

- I see Darryl, but wher-where's Darryl?

- The master is soaking in a bubble bath at present, sir.

- When he's all soft and rosy, Charles will dry him off,

then read to him 'til he falls asleep.

- As far as Master Darryl is concerned,

The Cat in the Hat cannot come back too many times.

I must get back before his bubbles disappear.

- Don't, uh, don't you think you're spoiling him?

- Actually, I'm the one who prefers there be bubbles left.

- Dick, we're at our wits' end.

Darryl doesn't do anything for hisself anymore.

He's losing his naturally sinewy physique.

- That--that would be the real tragedy in all of this.

- What do you suggest we do?

- Can I answer a question with--with a question?

Did you watch my show?

- Can I answer that question with another question?

What does that have to do with Darryl?

- N-Nothing.

- We thought as much. Goodbye.

- And this lovely home has a beautiful manicured lawn,

a large family room, three bathrooms,

an Olympic-size swimming pool.

- What?

No bedrooms?

- No. No bedrooms in this one.

- Well, isn't that strange?

None of the houses you've mentioned today

have had bedrooms.

- And none are going to, so drop it.

- Well, if they don't have any bedrooms,

where would one go to bed?

If you know what I mean.

- There's always the gutter out front.

Getting back to why we're here,

the house has a spacious gourmet kitchen,

featuring granite countertops.

- Ever sprawl naked on a granite countertop?

- He's good.

- Will you shut up?

- I won't say another word.

- There's decorative beveled glass windows

and above the skylight,

which allows the morning sun to warm the living room.

- He's playing footsy with her now.

I mean, thousands of people are--

are going to be watching him fondle my wife on television.

- Tens of thousands, Dick.

- T-Tens of--of thousands?

- With the mail we've received,

they're sticking around to watch Vermont Today .

- Well, you know, I mean, when you think about it,

I mean, all he's doing is rubbing her thigh with his foot.

- There's an attached three-car garage.

- Did you ever do it

strapped to an automatic garage door?

- Have you ever been strangled on the air?

We'll be right back with a few final words.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- Hot stuff, Joanna.

- That's it, I can't take it anymore.

I'm going to kill him right here, right now.

- Joanna, calm down.

You don't want to get a reputation

for--for being difficult.

- Dick, he was fondling my leg.

- He had his sock on.

- Either he keeps his feet to himself, or I'm walking.

- I-I'll talk to him.

I'll tell him you're a little miffed.

- Miffed?

I want to see him strung up by his--

ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds.

- Honey, y-you better get back. Justin's idling.

ANNOUNCER: In five, four, three...

- Until next time, I'm Joanna Loudon.

- And I'm Justin Witter,

hoping all your houses are hot.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- That's it. I can't take it anymore.

- O-Okay, I'll handle it.

You get some decaf.

Justin, c-could I have a word with you a-about my wife?

- Sure, Dick.

You know, she's a lovely woman.

- I'm glad you're enjoying her.

Just wish you wouldn't en-enjoy her quite so much.

- Oh, that.

Well, that's my darn soap training.

I see a beautiful woman and bingo bango,

something clicks in my head.

Next thing you know, I'm all over her.

- Maybe you should have that bingo bango looked at.

- Well, I've got to do something.

Bart is really getting on my case about it.

- Who's--who's Bart?

- The guy I live with.

You knew I was gay, didn't you?

- Oh, of--of course.

Sure, I knew...I knew--

I knew--I knew--I knew that.

- Maybe I'll tone things down.

- But--but you'll--you'll still f-flirt a little?

- Well, enough to get ratings.

Just not enough to make Bart throw things.

- Right, use-- use his temper a-as your gauge.

- Exactly.

Well, got to run. Bart's making moussaka.

- Well, did you set him straight?

- I don't, uh, I don't think he'll be bothering you anymore.

- Really?

What did you say to him?

- Joanna, I-I don't like to repeat it.

We used some pretty colorful language.

ANNOUNCER: In five, four, three...

And now it's Vermont Today , starring Dick Loudon.

- Our topic today: "Book binding:

"Gluing or stitching?

"The controversy continues."

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl,

and appearing in public once again

is my other brother Darryl.

We've come to inquire if you've seen a manservant.

- Are you missing one?

- It seems Charles has run off.

I should have seen it coming.

He had this weird look in his eyes

when he was flossing Darryl.

Maybe it's for the best.

He's picking up all sorts of annoying habits

from that Charles.

Come on, Darryl.

- "Help me, please.

"You must help me."

You can come out now.

- Thank you so much for concealing me, George.

Master Darryl was getting to be too much

for one manservant to endure.

- I know you'd do the same for me

if I ever ran away from Dick and Joanna.

- I don't think the Loudons would ever chase you

through the forest naked

while hurling squirrel pellets at your bum.

- No, but I'm supposed to watch Vermont Today ,

and that's just as painful.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.