All language subtitles for Newhart_S07E19

[♪♪♪]

- Come on, Petey, talk.

- Tell me, M-Mrs. Collins, um,

when--when did you first
start believing

that your--your bird
could talk?

- I think the cameras
are making him nervous.

Could you turn them off?

- I'm sorry, someone should have
briefed you on how TV works.

- Come on, Petey,
do the Twilight Zone.

You're traveling through
another dimension.

Petey, you know this.

A dimension not only
of sight and sound,

but of...of what, Petey?

Of what, Petey?

- Well, I'm afraid
we're out of time.

If you'd like a transcript
of today's show,

you're out of your mind.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- You blew it, Petey.

- Dick, that was a good show.

No, really.

And the crew seemed
pleased too.

- That's because somebody
brought donuts to work today.

- Hello, Joanna.
- Hi, Mr. Grad.

- Well, Loudon, that was another
milestone in television.

- Well, I can't take
all the credit, Mr. Grad.

It was your idea to book Petey.

- Dick, have you seen
your ratings lately?

They're not good.

They're not good at all.

- Yeah, but I-I'm up against
tough competition,

an-and I'm sure that those--
you know,

those fly fishing shows have
pretty much run their course.

- Dick, let me tell you.

Let me tell you
something about TV.

It's not radio.

The audience
wants to see people

who are great looking
with killer smiles.

- Like--like Petey?

- I had great hopes for him.

- You may call me a radical,

but I-I think people want to
watch shows that have content.

- Dick, do you ever think
before you speak?

I could give Joanna a show

and she'd get better
ratings than you.

- That's very flattering,

but I wouldn't know
the first thing

about hosting a show.

- Honey, he-he's not saying
he's going to give you a show.

He's just saying that
he'd pick you over me and Petey.

- Now, wait--wait a minute.

Actually, not such a bad idea
giving you a show.

I mean, you're great looking.

Smile for me.

You've got a killer smile.

- Thank you.

You should hear me laugh.

- Laugh for me.

Joanna,
what do you do at the inn?

- Well, I do the books.

- There you go.

- You're going to
give her a show

where she smiles and laughs
an-and totals receipts?

- Do you think it needs more?

- Well, I'm also
a real estate agent.

- Bingo, that's the show

and I'm going to try you out
in Dick's time slot.

- What?

- Oh! Oh,
I couldn't do that to Dick.

Could I, honey?
- No!

Look, my--my ratings
aren't that bad.

That show that's on before me,
I do much better than that show.

Reverend Millmore's
"send me all your money" show.

- All right, all right!

The rev is out,
the babe is in.

- Dick, isn't this exciting?

I'm going to have
my own TV show.

And I'll be your lead in.

PETEY: You're traveling
through another dimension.

You not only have sight
and sound, but a bright mind.

- Okay, there's your coffee.

Now, what's the good news?

- Wait until George gets here.

That way, I won't
have to say it twice.

- Right, like you never
repeat yourself.

- Well, I'm here.

What's the big news?

- Starting next Sunday,

I'm going to have
my own TV show.

- Congratulations, Joanna.

- I don't get it.

This news has
nothing to do with me.

- Well, not directly.

I just thought
you'd be excited to hear it.

- Oh, I am.

Now I can say I serve coffee
to two people who have TV shows.

- What kind of program is it?

Is it another fly fishing show?

I can never get
my fill of those.

- Sorry George, it's going to be
a real estate show.

I'll be showing videotapes
of houses

that are on the market.

- Oh. So I guess you won't have
any trout on your show.

- Not unless
they're good looking

and have a killer smile.

- I'm going to be on
right before Vermont Today .

- Oh, no.

That's Reverend Millmore's
time slot.

Now he won't have the money

to build his
walk-onto-water slide

at Reverend Millmore's
Bible Country, USA.

- Hi.

I'm Larry,
this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother,
Darryl.

Oh, and this is my other brother
Darryl's manservant, Charles.

- I, uh, knew you'd be the first
brother to get a manservant.

- Larry,
where did Charles come from?

- We found him on our doorstep
when we came home.

- We're lucky to find
a newspaper on our doorstep.

- That's funny, Darryl's
always finding newspapers

on your doorstep.

- Before this conversation
becomes interminable,

I was a birthday gift from
Darryl's Great Aunt Priscilla.

- Yeah, Darryl's her favorite.

She's always been a sucker

for his Sholem Aleichem-like
folksy humor.

- Well, sh-she sounds like
a very generous and wacky woman.

- Larry, what's Darryl
going to do with a manservant?

- He hasn't the foggiest.

- I draw baths, I look after
the master's clothing,

I announce visitors.

In general, I buttle.

- Are you any good
at turtle stomp?

- I should think not, no.

- That's what
we were afraid of.

- Darryl, that's also
what a manservant does.

He picks things
off one's clothes.

- I guess Charles
will come in handy.

Those turtle pieces
stick like glue.

Come on, Darryl, Charles.

- Charles?

Ch-Charles,
you--you dropped something.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Yo yo, JoJo.

Dick-Dick.

Did you know Larry and
the Darryl duplex have a butler?

- They prefer the term
"manservant."

Keeps Charles in his place.

- Look what he gave me.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Speaking of giving,

Mr. Grad gave me
my own show on WPIV.

- Jiffy pop, Joanna, congrats.

I always knew
you had TV cue potench.

- I'll be Dick's lead-in.

- Stuffing plus,
back-to-back Loudons?

I guess I'll finally
have to force myself

to watch Vermont Today .

- You never watched
Vermont Today?

You produced it.

- Doesn't mean
I had to watch it.

- How does WPIV's
newest star like her set?

- She loves it.

Oh, what's that spotlight for?

- Oh, that's so we can get
a good look at your legs.

Lots of shows use them.

- Edward R. Murrow
popularized them.

- It's so bright.

I should have worn a sunscreen.

- Now that's the kind of banter
I want to hear on your show.

- Doesn't it take two
to banter?

Who's that?

- Justin Witter, big soap star.

He just got killed off
Lovers in Love .

He'll be your co-host.

- You really think
I need a co-host?

- Justin's only here to
bring in the female viewers.

We've already got you
for the men.

- Who--who--who do I bring in?

- Well, judging
from your fan mail,

a guy named Frank.

ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds.

- Dick, ten seconds.

And he was talking to me.

- Fra-Fra-Frank who?

- Hi, Justin Witter,
Lovers in Love

and various well-received
dinner theater productions

of Barefoot in the Park.

- Joanna Loudon, well-received
real estate agent.

ANNOUNCER:
In five, four, three...

- Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon,

and this is my co-host,
Justin Witter.

- Hi, Vermont.

- We'd like to welcome you
to the first edition

of Your House Is My House .

[JUSTIN CLEARS THROAT]

Our House.

We'll be taking you through
some of the fabulous homes

that are on the market,
if that's all right with you.

- Anything you do
is all right with me.

- Oh.

Our first home,

located in exclusive
Johnny Cake Ridge Estates,

has three bedrooms,
two and a half baths,

a lovely gourmet kitchen.

- Excuse me, Joanna.

Can we back up a bit?

- To what?

- To the bedrooms,
and this time,

let's linger a while,
if you know what I mean.

- Well, the master suite
has a large walk-in closet,

French doors
that lead out to the spa.

- Oh, a dip in the spa
sounds pretty good right now,

if you know what I mean.

- What--what--what does he mean?

- Dick, relax. This show's
going to get big numbers,

and because you follow,

your show's going to get
thousands of new viewers too.

- There's a charming
wood burning fireplace.

- Ooooh, that fireplace
is making me hot,

if you know what I mean.

- Saw your show, Joanna.

Hot-cha-cha.

Tss.

- Maybe he's just trying to say
he wants some bacon.

- George, my show is not
supposed to be hot-cha-cha.

I'm selling real estate.

- It was hard to tell
what you were selling.

- So, did you--did you see
my show?

- When's that on again?

- Ri-Right after Joanna's show.

- Then I missed it.

After watching Joanna,

I had to go out
and lift heavy objects.

- Oh, good!
Joanna, you're home.

I have a question.

- What is it?

- I don't know that much
about TV,

but isn't it tacky to come
onto your co-host like that?

- Stephanie, he came on to me.

- Well, you encouraged him

with those double entendres
about houses.

And by the way,
that leg light has to go.

The idea is to accentuate
the positive.

N-Not to change the subject,
t did you catch Vermont Today ?

- No.

After Joanna's flesh act...

I took a ritual
purification bath.

I was busy
scrubbing my skin raw.

Joanna, I'm as open-minded
as the next person,

but I can't help feeling
you're going to burn for this.

- Dick, will you help me
kill Justin?

- Joanna, I know you're mad,

but a little sexual tension
might help Hot Houses .

- Hot Houses ?

What happened to
Your House is My House?

- Mr. Grad wanted
a-a steamier title.

You should be relieved.

I talked him out of
Rooms for Love.

- I'm a smut peddler.

- Yes, but I mean, i-it's smut
with redeeming social values.

Honey, your--your show
is going to be a hit,

which means my show
is going to be a hit,

so in a way, I mean,
I'm, you know,

I'm--I'm dealing in smut too.

- Thank you, Dick.

Thank you for making no sense.

And thank you for letting
your wife be degraded

for some stupid ratings.

- Joanna, normally
I would be the last guy

to--to stand by
and watch you be degraded,

but I mean, you know,
i-it's sweeps week.

- Hi.

I'm Larry,
this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother
Darryl's second.

- Hi guys,
what can we do for you?

- We've come for more advice,

but first we'd like to
congratulate Miss Joanna

on her softcore porno
real estate show.

- Thank you.

I saw
there was a need for it

and with
Dick's encouragement,

I'm filling it.

- I see Darryl,
but wher-where's Darryl?

- The master is soaking in
a bubble bath at present, sir.

- When he's all soft and rosy,
Charles will dry him off,

then read to him
'til he falls asleep.

- As far as Master Darryl
is concerned,

The Cat in the Hat cannot
come back too many times.

I must get back
before his bubbles disappear.

- Don't, uh, don't you think
you're spoiling him?

- Actually, I'm the one who
prefers there be bubbles left.

- Dick, we're at our wits' end.

Darryl doesn't do anything
for hisself anymore.

He's losing his naturally
sinewy physique.

- That--that would be the real
tragedy in all of this.

- What do you suggest we do?

- Can I answer a question
with--with a question?

Did you watch my show?

- Can I answer that question
with another question?

What does that have to do
with Darryl?

- N-Nothing.

- We thought as much.
Goodbye.

- And this lovely home
has a beautiful manicured lawn,

a large family room,
three bathrooms,

an Olympic-size swimming pool.

- What?

No bedrooms?

- No.
No bedrooms in this one.

- Well, isn't that strange?

None of the houses
you've mentioned today

have had bedrooms.

- And none are going to,
so drop it.

- Well, if they don't have
any bedrooms,

where would one go to bed?

If you know what I mean.

- There's always
the gutter out front.

Getting back
to why we're here,

the house has a spacious
gourmet kitchen,

featuring
granite countertops.

- Ever sprawl naked
on a granite countertop?

- He's good.

- Will you shut up?

- I won't say another word.

- There's decorative
beveled glass windows

and above the skylight,

which allows the morning sun
to warm the living room.

- He's playing footsy
with her now.

I mean, thousands of
people are--

are going to be watching him
fondle my wife on television.

- Tens of thousands, Dick.

- T-Tens of--of thousands?

- With the mail we've received,

they're sticking around
to watch Vermont Today .

- Well, you know, I mean,
when you think about it,

I mean, all he's doing is
rubbing her thigh with his foot.

- There's an attached
three-car garage.

- Did you ever do it

strapped to an automatic
garage door?

- Have you ever been strangled
on the air?

We'll be right back
with a few final words.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- Hot stuff, Joanna.

- That's it,
I can't take it anymore.

I'm going to kill him
right here, right now.

- Joanna, calm down.

You don't want to
get a reputation

for--for being difficult.

- Dick, he was fondling my leg.

- He had his sock on.

- Either he keeps his feet
to himself, or I'm walking.

- I-I'll talk to him.

I'll tell him
you're a little miffed.

- Miffed?

I want to see him
strung up by his--

ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds.

- Honey, y-you better get back.
Justin's idling.

ANNOUNCER:
In five, four, three...

- Until next time,
I'm Joanna Loudon.

- And I'm Justin Witter,

hoping all your houses
are hot.

ANNOUNCER: And we're out.

- That's it.
I can't take it anymore.

- O-Okay, I'll handle it.

You get some decaf.

Justin, c-could I have a word
with you a-about my wife?

- Sure, Dick.

You know, she's a lovely woman.

- I'm glad you're enjoying her.

Just wish you wouldn't
en-enjoy her quite so much.

- Oh, that.

Well, that's my darn
soap training.

I see a beautiful woman
and bingo bango,

something clicks in my head.

Next thing you know,
I'm all over her.

- Maybe you should have
that bingo bango looked at.

- Well,
I've got to do something.

Bart is really getting
on my case about it.

- Who's--who's Bart?

- The guy I live with.

You knew I was gay,
didn't you?

- Oh, of--of course.

Sure, I knew...I knew--

I knew--I knew--I knew that.

- Maybe I'll tone things down.

- But--but you'll--you'll still
f-flirt a little?

- Well, enough to get ratings.

Just not enough
to make Bart throw things.

- Right, use--
use his temper a-as your gauge.

- Exactly.

Well, got to run.
Bart's making moussaka.

- Well, did you
set him straight?

- I don't, uh, I don't think
he'll be bothering you anymore.

- Really?

What did you say to him?

- Joanna,
I-I don't like to repeat it.

We used some pretty
colorful language.

ANNOUNCER:
In five, four, three...

And now it's Vermont Today ,
starring Dick Loudon.

- Our topic today:
"Book binding:

"Gluing or stitching?

"The controversy continues."

- Hi.

I'm Larry,
this is my brother Darryl,

and appearing
in public once again

is my other brother Darryl.

We've come to inquire
if you've seen a manservant.

- Are you missing one?

- It seems Charles has run off.

I should have seen it coming.

He had this weird look
in his eyes

when he was flossing Darryl.

Maybe it's for the best.

He's picking up
all sorts of annoying habits

from that Charles.

Come on, Darryl.

- "Help me, please.

"You must help me."

You can come out now.

- Thank you so much
for concealing me, George.

Master Darryl was getting
to be too much

for one manservant to endure.

- I know you'd do
the same for me

if I ever ran away
from Dick and Joanna.

- I don't think the Loudons
would ever chase you

through the forest naked

while hurling squirrel
pellets at your bum.

- No, but I'm supposed to
watch Vermont Today ,

and that's just as painful.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.