Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Honey, do--do I look all right?

- Well, I married you, didn't I?

- No, no. I-I mean--I mean the suit.

I-If you spent the last 35 years in a Soviet labor camp,

would you feel comfortable

being interviewed by a guy dressed like this?

- I don't think I'd wear a tie that red.

- Good--good point.

Maybe I-I'll wear the blue one with the--the little ducks.

- Yeah.

- Live, in color and booted from the bonkers bin

for a second stab at sanity,

it's Michael "Not so Nutso" Harris.

- When were you released from Ridge Valley?

- A couple of days ago, or maybe a week.

I've been so busy relishing life on the outside,

I've lost all track of time.

- Michael, you were--you were only inside for two weeks.

- Astounding, isn't it?

I mean, when you see how much I've changed.

- It-It's almost scary.

- You see, I learned that even though I lost

my jobs, my confidence, my girl,

and for a short period of time, my ability to distinguish

between my mother and Esther Rolle,

I still have me, myself and I.

Nothing else matters.

- What--what about making a living?

[LAUGHS]

- Dickster, things take care of themselves.

The point is it's spring.

The crocuses are blooming; the bees are buzzing.

Come on, you two, walk with me, talk with me.

It's sunny, let's share.

- Michael.

- Hi, Steph.

- I heard you were out. How are you?

- Never better in my whole life.

- Then why are you staring?

Is it some kind of brain thing?

Or is it these pants with this sweater?

- Neither. I just never realized how beautiful you were.

- You didn't?

- Well, I'm talking about inner beauty,

the kind you find in a wise old woman's wrinkles

or in a baby bird, sucking up a worm.

- Oh, poor Michael.

They did experiments on you.

It's so nice to see what's left of you.

- Hi. I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows. What can we do for you?

- We just dropped by to wish Dick luck

on his live via satellite interview

with prisoner of conscience Andre Zalmanoff.

- Well, thanks. Thanks, guys.

- We've often wondered

how Darryl would hold up under torture,

which is why we practice

hanging him from the rafters by his thumbs

while making him watch Darryl's interpretive dance

to Stravinsky's Rite of Spring .

- Hey, Lar and Darryl dittoed,

I was about to take a walk and nose the posies.

Care to make it a foursome?

- We'll pass.

We don't stick our noses up anything

that won't sniff back at us.

Come on, Darryl.

- What do you mean, there's no picture?

- It still looks like a catastrophe.

At least we're not the one on camera

dying in front of thousands of viewers.

Oh, hi, Dick. Have a nice show.

- Is--is there a problem?

- The feed's not working.

It's either the satellite or the dish.

- You're kidding.

- Yeah, it's a big fat joke, Dick.

That's why I got sweat stains the size of pies

under my armpits.

- Uh oh, I wonder if my homing pigeons

chewed through the transmitter wires again.

- What?

- You--you keep pigeons on the roof?

- Yeah, I tried keeping them in the men's room

but they kept flying into the mirror.

- Don't just stand there. Round up some cats.

- Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

They might scare my birds.

- That's the idea, Bud.

- Right. I'll take care of it, Paulie.

I'll take care of it.

- D-Does this mean we won't get the--the Zalmanoff feed

from Vienna on--on the monitor?

- [CRYING]

- Guess not.

- Look Dick, a birdie.

- M-Michael, throw it i-in the men's room.

I-I'm going on the air i-in two minutes

in front of thousands of people

and all I have to show them is a--is a duck tie.

- See, birdie? Duckies.

- Michael, didn't they just let you out of an insane asylum?

- Well, actually it was a sanitarium.

- But it was a humiliating experience, right?

- Well, not really,

except for when it was my turn to play hide the capsule.

- Well, Dick, everything's going to be fine.

We've got Michael.

- For--for what?

- For the show.

- Gee, I don't know.

It was embarrassing enough doing it in front of a nurse.

- No, no, not that.

You were incarcerated, just like Zalmanoff.

Sanitarium, gulag, what's the diff?

- Look, forget it, I'm not going to interview Michael.

Repeat--repeat one of my shows.

- Dick, we'd have to tape them to repeat them.

- You don't tape my shows?

ANNOUNCER: In five, four...

- Dick, we won't let you down.

- Give me this thing.

There's a story here, Dick.

Dig for it.

ANNOUNCER: And now, it's Vermont Today ,

starring Dick Loudon.

- I, uh...I-I know you were all expecting Andre Zalmanoff

in his first interview after 35 years in a Soviet prison,

but due to tech-technical problems

that are really too intricate to discuss--

- Dick, I'll put the little fellows

in your dressing room.

- In-Instead, we have another guest in h-his first interview

after 14 grueling days and nights in a-a sanitarium,

former WPIV producer Michael Harris.

- Thank you. Thank you, Dick.

I'm, uh, I'm grateful to be here.

- Well, who--who wouldn't be after--after that nightmare?

- Actually it wasn't a nightmare,

although I did grow to be quite the sofa spud.

- But after losing your job, your money, your self-respect,

it must have been i-impossible to go on.

- Oh, why dwell on the past?

I let things get to me,

but I'm back on my rocker now, and--and why?

Because I live in the moment.

- Well, I'm tickled to hear that.

- What did you say? I was looking at my foot.

Dick, have you ever really looked at your foot?

- Not, you know, a-avidly.

- Well, then join me, Dick. Come on, dig those dogs.

- Why, uh, why don't--why don't we go to the phones

in case any of you still out there

has--has something t-to say to Michael Harris.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, you're on the air with Michael Harris.

WOMAN: Michael, you're such a sensitive soul.

I just know it was a woman who drove you over the edge.

Was it that Stephanie Vanderkellen?

The whole town thinks she's a cold fish.

- Darling, bad things happen, but why hold on to them?

Why not let it go, forget about it?

You see what I'm saying? Try smiling.

WOMAN: I'll do that.

And by the way, your feet are lovely.

- Thank you.

Now isn't that better

than listening to some rusky complain for half an hour?

[PHONE RINGING]

- You're on the air with Michael Harris.

MAN: Michael, those were wonderful words to live by.

- What--what words were those?

MAN: You know, "Let it go, forget about it, try smiling."

- All right. Well, I'm just glad they worked for you.

By the way, do you like my feet?

MAN: Oh, well, yeah, I love them.

- God bless.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi, you're on the air with me.

- Before you say anything about the show, don't.

- Fine.

Anyway, I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

- I guess you misunderstood my verbal threat.

- Hi, Dick.

Gee, I really liked today's guest.

- Shut up, George.

- I never realized Michael was so deep,

but I guess that's because he's suffered so.

- Don't verbal threats mean anything anymore?

- Hi, George, JoJo.

- Hi, Michael.

- Dick, you took off before all the excitement.

Even after the show was over, the phones kept ringing.

Everybody wanted my advice.

Strange, I never realized

I could have such an effect on people.

- Maybe they liked your feet.

- Michael, could I ask you a question?

- Shoot, G-man.

- I know you said to forget about it,

let it go and try smiling, but I have this problem.

I tried to forget about it, but I just can't.

Can I let it go first?

That might make the forgetting easier.

- Gee, I don't see why not.

- Is it better to smile while I'm letting it go or after?

- Well, whatever you find works for you.

- What a philosophy.

If you taught this to the world, there'd be peace.

- He's lost his mind.

- Good detective work, mayor.

The male Caucasian in question is on the premises.

- All I said was Michael was probably at Dick's.

- Hello, officer, and a gentleman.

- You know, we often watch Dick's show,

but this week, we liked it.

Michael, your message.

- Not to mention the particular manner

in which said message was conveyed.

- You mean, there's a manner in my message?

- I'm not one given to flamboyant gesturing,

but if I may reconstruct,

"Let it go."

- No, officer, it was more to the heavens, like so.

"Let it go."

The point is, I've been through rolfing

and transcendental meditation.

- And I've been through Dianetics.

- And this is the first thing that may actually help.

- They need people like you in the department

to talk jumpers off ledges,

especially now with that three-story building going up.

It's going to be a magnet for losers.

- Gee, thanks for those thumbs up.

- No, Michael, thank you.

- Can you believe what's happening?

I think I finally found my true calling.

- Your true calling?

- Inspiring mankind.

- Well, it's certainly not an overcrowded profession.

- Bye, everybody.

- George, aren't you going to fix the hot water heater?

- Ah. It's such a nice day, I decided to forget about it.

[WHISTLES]

- Cowabunga, I'm inspiring everybody.

- This is the stupidest town that ever lived.

- Are you Stephanie Vanderkellen?

- Why, yes.

- Then you're the unfeeling shrew

who broke that poor Michael's heart.

- For your information, he dumped me.

And oops, I dumped the oatmeal.

What a butterfingers.

- Forget about it.

- But I just threw hot oatmeal in your lap.

- Let it go, dear. Try smiling.

- Let it go, try smiling. Ha!

- If George would do what I pay him to do,

I wouldn't have to take cold showers.

He works for me.

He's supposed to fix the hot--hot water heater.

- Morning, Dick, Joanna.

- George, you know, we're still waiting

for you to fix the heater.

- Let it go, Joanna.

- We don't want to let it go.

We want it fixed today, George.

- Forget about it. Try smiling.

- I can't. My lips haven't thawed out yet.

- I think I'll drink my coffee on the porch.

There's a baby caterpillar inching up a twig

and I want to be there.

- A baby one.

- That-that's it. This has gone too far.

B-Because of Michael's idiot philosophy,

n-nothing is getting done around here.

- Hello, friends and flock.

Can I put this up in the lobby?

There's still a few tickets left.

- "Michael Harris in his only Vermont appearance."

What does this mean? You live in Vermont.

- Well, it's a summoning to my seminar.

I'm going to inspire the masses with my message.

- What message?

They're just simple asinine buzzwords.

- Well, Dick, maybe you haven't noticed my passel of apostles,

but you can't deny I have a certain effect on people.

I want both of you to come tonight.

I think I can enlighten you.

- Forget about it.

- You see, you're already a third of the way there.

- I can't tell you how Michael's philosophy

has changed my life.

- Same here.

Right now, I'm supposed to be manning the 911 line,

but I decided to forget about it.

- And yesterday, the fire department

threatened to strike, so I just let them go.

- I'm surprised you wanted to come tonight, Stephanie,

knowing how the town feels about you.

- Well, I just wanted to show these people

that I'm not a heartless shrew,

that I'm a warm, caring, compassionate human being.

- There she is.

There's that snotty viper, Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Oh, drop dead.

George, sit.

- Well, bask in it, Joanna.

If we could somehow harness the stupidity in this room...

we could change the world.

I can't believe all these people are paying

ten dollars a head to see Michael.

- We paid 50.

I had to go to a scalper.

- You what?

- Tonight, we're in the presence of greatness.

- Perhaps we should kneel.

- He almost spoke.

- Oh, please.

- Darryl, stop that.

It's not polite to stare at someone's aura.

- Let it go. [CHEERING]

Forget about it. [CHEERING]

Try smiling.

- We are! [CHEERING]

- This is moronic.

- Let it go. Forget about it. Try smiling.

[CHEERING]

Yes, my child?

- I have a question that weighs heavily on me, Michael.

- Speak to me.

- Last month, I was elected President

of the local pastry club.

And with that position came a lot of responsibility

and the inevitable weight gain.

But I decided to forget about it.

- Wonderful.

And did you let it go?

- Yes, but I put on 12 pounds and now all my clothing chafes.

- Did you try smiling?

- Well, that's easy for you.

You're probably one of those visionaries

that can eat anything and not put on a pound.

- Next.

Yes, my son?

- My anniversary was last night.

Thank you.

Thirty-two years.

Well, usually I do forget about it,

but this time I knew it was okay to forget about it.

Yet my wife threw me out of the house.

So now I'm sleeping in the Tercel,

and it's hard to try smiling

with the stick shift jabbing you in the kidneys.

What should I do?

- I don't think Michael has the answer.

- No kidding.

- Let's review the problem. You said you let it go.

- That's right. - And you forgot about it.

- Uh-huh.

- And you actually did try smiling.

- 'Til my cheeks ached.

- How about that? Next.

- Michael, help me.

Isn't there any more to your philosophy?

- Well, let me see.

No, that's about it.

- Typical.

Some smooth talking Dandy sells you the meaning of life

and it turns out he's just taking you for a ride

in the hoax-mobile.

- Let down once again, Darryl.

First we read that Rosanne ain't handling success very well

and now this.

- Wait, I thought this was what you wanted to hear.

Yesterday, you were gobbling this stuff up.

- Yesterday, we were stupid.

- Yesterday?

- It works for me. I don't know why it doesn't work for you.

- Some seminar.

There weren't even any refreshments.

- Tell me more about this pastry club.

- We meet all day Tuesday, usually at a local bakery.

- Wait.

- If this town had a bunco squad,

they'd be sticking to you

like sweaty thighs to a vinyl car seat.

- I've never felt so used.

Stone him!

- Steph, don't walk out.

- I have to, Michael.

George is my ride.

- I've been de-flocked.

- [SIGHS] Do you want to talk to him?

- No.

But it is sort of what I do.

- And this is sort of when I leave.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Michael, are you all right?

- Dick, what happened?

- You know, you inspiration leaders

are bound to bomb every once in a while.

I'm sure even Tommy Lasorda has his off days.

- Yeah, but it happened so quickly.

I mean, other great thinkers inspire mankind for generations.

I inspired people for a day and a half.

- Well, some thinkers are different than you.

They're...

multi-dimensional.

- So you're saying I'm a simple man with few layers?

- One.

- Meaning there's really very little to me?

- Right, but I mean, you can always read and learn

and, you know, become more layered.

- Yeah, but then, I'd run the risk

of becoming complex and dull like you.

- That's one of the pitfalls of depth.

- Bummer.

- Michael, you aren't going to fall apart again, are you?

- No, I'm just going to let it go,

you know, forget about it.

- You know, you could always try smiling.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.