Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Heads up, last of the sweaters.

- What's going on here?

- Stephanie is throwing out

every stitch of clothing she owns.

- Ask a stupid question.

- I'm getting rid of everything that reminds me of Michael.

If he can make a fresh start, so can I.

- Stephanie, Michael's in a sanitarium.

He's not making a fresh start.

He's making ashtrays out of clay.

- You're throwing this out? It's a Jianita Bruccizi.

- I was wearing it the first night

Michael told me he loved me.

It must be destroyed.

- I'm supposed to take all these clothes

to the town dump and watch them burn.

- And what else, George?

- Oh, right. I have to dance naked around the fire.

Maybe I'll wait until after dark

and bring a date,

make a night of it. You guys want to double?

- Gee, we--we just danced naked last night.

- Next time, give us some notice.

- Hey, that's my sweater.

- I know, and it's got to go.

Michael and I used to laugh at you

every time you wore it.

He always said it made you look like a human tootsie roll.

- You went into my closet?

- Of course not.

It was lying on your bed.

You really should learn to hang your clothes up, Dick.

- Only way to keep them from being torched.

- I don't care what she says, George.

You're not burning anything. These are good clothes.

Just take them all to Goodwill.

- What if Stephanie finds out?

- So?

- Joanna, you forget, she knows where I live.

- Dick and I will see that no harm comes to you.

Right, honey? - This is a great sweater.

They don't make buttons out of shells anymore.

- Okay Joanna, let's shop.

Daddy wired me a boatload of money.

- It's Sunday, everything's closed.

- Not Peck's department store.

Mr. Peck was in Rome having a private thing with the pope

and Daddy made him fly back to open the store for me.

- Mr. Peck gave up an audience with the pope

just so you could shop?

- Well, the pope will forgive him.

It's his job or something.

Wasn't that sweater tagged for burning?

- I'm keeping it. This is a great sweater.

- Fine, so what if it reminds me of Michael?

Keep it. Sleep with it. Marry it. See if I care.

But be forewarned, I know where you live.

- Dump it, honey.

It does sort of make you look like a tootsie roll.

- Dick, what's going to happen

when we start reminding her of Michael?

- Beards, George. We grow beards.

- Michael, you're pretty chipper today.

- I have you to thank for it, Dr. Kaiser.

Two weeks ago, I was a babbling blankoid

with a birth in the bughouse.

- And now?

- I'm at peace with myself.

These are my people. They really like me.

I found a home here.

- Hey Mikey, big ping pong game tomorrow.

You want to be my partner?

- Sure, who are we playing?

- Joey and Martina.

- Who's Martina?

- Joey's other personality.

He's got a wicked backhand.

- Well, he sounds like a tough team,

but remember, we've got that two-body advantage.

- Michael, you're being released tomorrow.

Your two-week evaluation is over.

- Oh.

Sorry, Charley, I guess we'll have to strike that match.

- All right, but you tell Martina.

Those steroids make her mean.

- Dr. Kaiser, I can't leave. I had a mental meltdown.

My synapses crackled and popped.

- Michael, you had an extreme anxiety attack.

But over the past few weeks,

I've watched you grow stronger every day.

You're becoming the kind of man I like and respect.

I think it's time to face life out there.

- Well, can't I face life out there from in here?

Besides, I can't go.

I still have two ashtrays in the kiln.

- Michael, this is not junior achievement.

There are people who really need to be in here,

like Joey and Martina, to name one.

- Well, I suppose I could give it a try.

- See? You're sounding more confident already.

- I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

If I scatter my marbles again,

I can make a beeline back here, right?

- Game's off. Joey and Martina eloped.

- I used to have a silk blouse just like that.

Of course, mine didn't gape.

For what you paid for it,

the buttons really shouldn't strain like that.

- I know it's a little snug, but it was cheap.

I bought this at Goodwill for 15 dollars.

- American dollars?

What? It's a 100 percent silk. Mine cost a fortune.

- I guess some of us just know how to shop.

- What's Goodwill?

- Something you have toward men.

- No, not that good will, the store.

She bought that silk blouse there for peanuts.

- Well, Goodwill is this wonderful

charitable organization that sells secondhand clothes.

- You mean, someone would actually pay

to wear other people's filthy clothes?

Ew.

- Well, I'm sure they--they wash them before they sell them.

I mean, don't they?

- I don't think so.

- Ew.

- By the way, Dick, I'll be needing some more cash.

- I just gave you a month's advance.

- Okay, give me a raise.

- You don't deserve a raise.

- That's not the point, Dick.

The point is, I need more money to shop.

- Stephanie, I think you've bought enough clothes

for a while.

- Oh Joanna, sometimes I wish I could be more like you.

It doesn't bother you at all

to wear the same clothes over and over and over again

until they almost fall off your back.

- I don't care how much you give her,

just get her out of here.

- Fine, just one more advance.

- Thanks.

I-I don't need food.

A fast will do me good.

- Yeah, I was going to mention that weight gain

but I didn't think it was my place.

- It isn't.

- Don't ever wear that blouse in this town again.

- Wow, another ashtray.

Thanks, Charley.

I've been looking for a reason to start smoking.

- A toast to Michael and his life on the outside.

- To Michael. - Michael!

- Michael!

- Speech! Speech! Speech!

Come on, Mike!

- Thank you. Thank you, folks.

You know, filming Oceans 11 was a swinging party for me.

I want to thank Sammy, Vino.

- I think they want me to speak, Mike.

- Damn.

- You know, when I first arrived here at Ridge Valley

two weeks ago, I was a broken shell of a man,

but each one of you welcomed me in your own special way.

I haven't been close to many people in my life,

but you've all shown me such warmth and affection

that I'll always cherish--

- Hey, everybody, Geraldo' s on!

- Hello, Michael. - Dr. Kaiser.

Well, as you can see,

the gang threw a bit of a bye-bye bash for me.

Can I get you something? Some punch?

A placebo?

Some ashtrays?

- Maybe later.

I stopped by to have a little talk with you, Michael,

before you're discharged.

- No need to drop more quarters in my confidence meter, Dr. K.

With your guidance, this guy's geared to get up and get out.

- Michael, tomorrow I want you to give Dr. Lyons a call.

He's a wonderful therapist, a good friend of mine.

- But what do I need him for?

You're my doctor.

- I'm afraid I have to withdraw from your case.

- Oh what, now that I'm a looney, I'm a loose?

You're throwing me to the lions?

- It's not like that at all, Michael.

You see, I've been having these feelings for you,

feelings that a doctor

should not be having for her patient.

- You mean, you don't like me?

- Quite the opposite.

- You mean, I don't like you?

- Michael, I'm attracted to you.

- Huh?

- Isn't it ridiculous?

I know it sounds crazy.

I usually fall for professional men,

men with careers and futures.

But there's something, I don't know, erotic about you.

- Did you say erotic or neurotic?

- Oh, what difference does it make?

I can't see you anymore. It's just not right.

Good luck, Michael.

I'm sure you'll be just fine out there.

- Dick, Joanna, notice anything different about me?

- You switched heads with a guy in a peach jumpsuit?

- No, Stephanie bought this for me.

She said it screamed George.

- It's screaming something else to me.

- He wouldn't get rid of the stupid hat.

- Well, I needed something macho to offset the shoulder pads.

- Good choice.

- You're buying things for George now?

- I found out that shopping is just as much fun

for other people as for myself.

It gives me the same rush.

- George, you--you look like--like an astronaut.

- That's exactly what the salesman said,

only he didn't say "tronaut."

- Excuse me.

Aren't you Chuck Yeager?

- Chuck--Chuck doesn't wear peach.

- You know, it's a pity so few men are secure enough

in their masculinity that they can wear pastels.

My ex-husband used to dress like him.

- Where did you get that sweater?

- Goodwill.

- Again, Goodwill. Okay, how much?

- Eight dollars.

- No way, you lie.

- It's true.

They even threw in these Italian boots.

- How can they afford to do that?

- Well, they said some older gentleman

dropped off box after box...

- You know, I may not be Chuck Yeager,

but there was a time when I bucked the speed limit.

You want to hear about it over lunch?

- Sure.

- Want to see what I got?

Oh, I don't remember buying this, but I'm glad I did.

It matches the one I got yesterday.

- Well, you know what they say, you can't have too many--

what the hell is that?

- A mink muff, you wear it ice skating.

- This is April, Stephanie. There's no ice.

- Then I'll wear it roller skating.

- You know, Stephanie,

we're starting to get a little worried.

I mean, you have always been quite a shopper,

but lately it's like you're on a shopping rampage.

Every time we see you,

you're coming in loaded down with shopping bags.

- [SIGHS] Well, thanks for your concern,

but I've already recognized the problem

and I've decided to do something about it.

- Oh, good for you.

- From now on, I'm having everything delivered.

- Well, now with that major problem taken care of,

we can concentrate on this little shopping addiction.

- I think you're both overreacting.

- Stephanie Vanderkellen?

- Yes? - Okay.

This is the place, Humphrey.

Where do you want your aquarium?

- I bought an aquarium?

- Yep, and 20 pairs of Siamese fighting fish.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Come in.

- Dr. Kaiser, thanks for squeezing me in.

I really need your help.

- Well, you sounded so distraught on the phone

that I canceled my group with the severely depressed.

What's the problem?

- I shop too much.

- And those people have the nerve to complain

just because they have no reason to live.

- Dr. Kaiser, I'm so scared.

One minute, I was in a taxi

on my way to Peck's department store

and the next thing I knew,

I was in that tacky factory outlet

between the green stamp redemption center

and that bail bond place.

- You blacked out?

- But that's not the scary part.

When I came to, I was fighting off two chubbos

for a pair of polyester capri pants.

- Oh, there, there, there. Now, just relax.

Now tell me, when did you first become aware of this problem?

- Well, I used to be just a social shopper,

two, three outfits a week,

and then my boyfriend dumped me.

Suddenly, two or three outfits weren't enough to satisfy me.

I needed it more and more.

The urge to purchase was overpowering.

It began to control me.

It became more important than my work.

Well, actually, anything's more important than my work.

You know, it's funny.

When you buy one blouse, nobody really pays any attention.

You're invisible.

But when you walk up to a salesclerk and say,

"I'll take 25 blouses," let me tell you,

they look at you in wonderment.

Like you are somebody.

And at that very moment, you are on top of the world.

There is no higher high.

I mean, you feel like you are Robin Givens.

And then, the next morning, reality slaps you in the face.

You wake up alone,

surrounded by crumpled tissue paper and straight pins,

and God, you wonder if you can make it through the day.

And then you see those empty shopping bags

and you know you won't be complete

until you see them filled again.

And there you are, back on the street again,

headed for the mall.

- Well, it seems to me that all this mindless accumulation

is simply a substitute for the love you're missing.

What is this?

- A cordless power drill. It's mine, put it back.

- Sorry.

Look, I know you feel powerless, even though you own a drill,

but you have to learn to overcome this obsession.

You have to try to control this dependency.

- I used to have a sweater just like that.

- Oh, it's a Jianita Bruccizi.

I just picked it up for four dollars at Goodwill.

- Four stinking dollars?

Of course, it's been on someone else's disgusting body.

I was wearing mine the night he told me he loved me.

- I think we have to end this session.

- I don't think I'm cured yet.

- Look, I've got problems of my own, okay?

You see, I've been treating Michael at Ridge Valley

for the past two weeks.

- Oh.

- He's the reason I can't be your therapist.

- You're choosing Michael as a patient over me?

Why? Because he's more neurotic?

- No, because he's more erotic.

- Did you say erotic or erratic?

- Erotic.

I kissed him, okay?

- You what?

- I kissed him!

I kissed him! I kissed him!

There, I feel better for saying it,

and I hope you're not too upset.

- Why should I be upset, Dr. Tramp?

- He didn't give me a chance to be a tramp.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Well, to put it in his words, I don't peter his o'tool.

- Well, I'm not surprised.

He never was attracted to thick ankles.

- It had nothing to do with my ankles.

Obviously he's just not used to a woman with a mind.

- You can't talk to me like that.

- I most certainly can.

I'm not charging you for this session.

- Well, good because I don't need your help.

I can lick this shopping thing on my own.

Here.

- What is that?

- It's my Peck's charge card.

Go and buy yourself some new clothes.

Maybe you can give that sweater back to the poor slob

who was stupid enough to throw it away in the first place.

- Joanna Loudon?

- Where's your jumpsuit, George?

- Oh, I put it away.

It was too radical for this town.

- What do you mean?

- There's just so many times you can hear,

"Hey peaches, where's your cream?"

"Hey peaches, nice cobbler,"

and "Hey George, how's it going?"

That last one didn't bother me as much as the others.

- Well, I guess, you know,

they feel less threatened by you and your overalls.

- Dick, am I too hip for this berg?

- Yes, George.

- Thought so.

Maybe I'll hang on to my jumpsuits.

Who knows, one day I may get to Montpellier.

- Good idea. It's a--it's a peach town.

- Stephanie, whatever those are, return them.

There's no more room at the inn.

- It's all right, Joanna. These are from Goodwill.

From now on, I'll be doing all my shopping there.

- Really?

- And look at this great dress I got for only ten dollars.

It's just like my old one.

- And it--it won't remind you of Michael?

- Michael who?

Boy, I wish I hadn't burned all my clothes.

- How long can we keep this from her?

- Oh, by the way, Dick.

They had this sweater there exactly like yours,

right down to the dry cleaning tag with your name on it.

- I...I think we can tell her now.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.