Original subtitles

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- Honey, h-how does this sound for--for my next "how-to" book?

Turning That Old Newspaper Rack Into a New Magazine Rack.

- Sounds more like a how-to sentence.

- I-I-I don't know what's wrong. I guess I'm how-to'd out.

- Well, maybe you should take a few months off.

- Honey, I-I'm a writer.

I was born with a-a need to ex-express my thoughts.

I mean, literature i-is the legacy of my very soul.

- How about writing a novel?

- Too thick.

- Then start small.

Write a thin book.

How about a how-to book for kids?

- You know, that's-- that's not a bad idea.

Listen to this.

Turning Dad's Old Newspaper Rack

Into a Neat Comic Book Rack.

- Well, maybe with some work.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

Michael?

W-Where have you been all week?

We've been worried about you.

Very worried.

O-On a scale of one to ten?

A-a-a seven.

No, a seven is good.

M-Michael, wh-where are you?

Who are you visiting at Ridge Valley Sanitarium?

Y-You're visiting you?

- Are you sure you don't want some cake?

- George, it may be cake to you, but to me,

it's a bulge looking for a thigh to land on.

- O-Okay Michael, we'll see you l-later this afternoon.

O-of course we missed you.

An eight.

See you later.

- Where is Michael?

Not that I give a flying fud.

- At the Ridge Valley Sanitarium.

- Ridge Valley?

Oh, that's the "you know what" farm.

- Gee, I've pushed a man to the edge before,

but I've never chucked one over.

I didn't know I had the power to turn a man

into a raving lunatic.

- Oh, I'm sure he's not a raving lunatic.

Is he, Dick?

- On a scale of one to ten?

♪ It's perfect For a fly in honeymoon ♪

♪ They say come fly with me ♪

♪ Come fly with me ♪

♪ Come on fly fly fly Pack up let's go ♪

- Michael, are you okay?

- You'd be hard pressed to find any fiddles fitter than I.

Why, why do you ask?

- No reason, just kind of a wacky thing

to ask somebody in the sanitarium.

- Last we heard, you were doing street mime.

- Well, JoJo, there was this small disturbance

in a restaurant.

Apparently some people get a tiny bit nervous

around mimes who scream like banshees.

- Go figure.

- Anyway, I guess it hit me all once.

I lost my job, my credit,

and the repo squad took everything

from A to turbo Z.

So when I hit Chapter 11, I went Section 8.

- How long do you have to stay here?

- Well, the authorities gave me a choice:

14 days either in the lockup

or under psychiatric observation.

Since I'm not wild about having a boyfriend named Turk

for two weeks,

I checked in to Casa de Crackers.

- Oh Michael, you should have come to us.

- Thanks for the TLC, JL, but to be honest, I dig these digs.

I get three squares a day, I'm responsibility free,

and every once in a while,

that guy over there who thinks he's Sinatra

gets this blonde nurse to put these go-go boots on

and sing something stupid with him.

- Is she working today?

- Michael, you know Stephanie thinks that she's responsible

for your new digs.

- She's wrong.

The scars are healing from my Stephectomy.

But enough about me. Let me show you around.

Ridge Valley isn't much, but I call it "the home."

- Got a smoke?

- S-Sorry, I don't.

- Dick Loudon?

- Corrine Denby?

- I gave up cigarettes, you know.

- Y-You just--you just asked me f-for a smoke.

- It was a joke.

- And a good one.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm v-visiting my f-friend, M-Michael.

- The mime?

- So how--how are you?

- I'm in a sanitarium, Dick.

I'm peachy keen.

- So what--what--what are you going to do?

Just kind of take it--take it easy for a while?

- After I illustrated that how-to book of yours,

I gave up technical art.

I wanted to create with my soul instead of a ruler,

show the world my sensitive side.

- Time for your pill. - Oh, back off, cookie.

Can't you see I've got company?

But, you know, then the rejection started

and I took it bad.

It eventually just all got to me and I...I went psycho.

So I checked into here.

- How--how long have you been here?

- A year and a half.

So what are you up to?

- I'm going to write a--going to write a how-to book for kids.

- You got an illustrator?

- Well...

- Because if you don't, you could sponsor me to do,

you know, a couple of pictures.

Maybe some of those furry things that kids like,

the kind that go thunk when you hit them with your car.

- I-I'm not--I'm not sure that's a good idea.

- Look, you just tell them, the white coats,

say that I'm working with you on a special project.

It would be like therapy for me.

- Well, you know, maybe, when the time comes.

- Oh, thanks, Dick.

You have really boosted my spirits.

- Well, take--take--take care.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Dick, you already missed half the tour.

Tell him who he missed, Joanna.

- Mark Twain.

He's rehearsing his one-man tribute to Hal Holbrook.

- Guess--guess who I ran into?

Corrine Denby.

- That's who that was.

- Okay Dick, listen, slap your John Hancock on this baby,

and we're Gone with the Wind .

- Honey, I had a thought.

Instead of writing a whole new book for kids,

I-I'll adapt one that I've already written.

Remember Installation and Care

of Your Low Maintenance Lawn Sprinkler ?

- That'll be a big request at story hour.

Dick, why did you have to bring Corrine here?

The woman has problems.

- What--what are you talking about?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that loud anguished wailing

that came from her room all night.

- J-Joanna, just--just because we don't wail

doesn't mean we--we should condemn someone who wails.

B-Besides, i-it kind of blotted out the sound of fists

banging against the wall.

- Dick, that was the sound of forehead meeting plaster.

- George, does--does having Corrine around bother you?

- Not at all.

Except for the wailing and the pounding,

I wouldn't even know she was here.

- Dick? Listen, it's still a little rough around the edges

but give me your honest opinion.

- Oh--oh wow, that--that that is some sprinkler head.

And it-it-it looks great right next to that giant daisy.

- No, that's not a daisy, Dick.

That's Wesley Weasel.

- Do you--do you have anything else?

- Let up, Dick.

I'll do more just as soon as I get rid of this damn headache.

- Dick, that picture was horrible.

- Y-You're right.

I-I mean, I can't let her ruin a potentially great book.

I'll just have to gently tell her

that I-I can't use her.

- At ease, Loudons.

- Hello, Officer Shifflett. Official business?

- Just passing by.

Got to check your building for fire code violations.

- Why?

- Word on the street is you're housing

one Corrine Denby.

Your classic textbook firebug.

- Firebug?

- It seems the sulfur scratcher in question

was released into your custody

at approximately 1100 hours yesterday morning.

- Well, she--she may be a-a little high strung,

but she's not a firebug.

- For the record,

it seems Ms. Zippo got a few rejection slips

and took a flying leap off the deep end

towards Torone Studio.

- Oh my gosh.

- I'm sure she's--you know, she's fine now.

She's been in the sanitarium for a-a year and a half.

- Sing me another one.

My brother's been in for years

and he still thinks he's Sinatra.

- Can we get her to check out of here?

- I think Barbara Butane checked out a long time ago.

We're all adults here. Let's use big people talk.

Rubbing this chick the wrong way

is like putting nitro in a baby's rattle.

Kaboom.

- What do you think of my latest?

- Well, there-there-there's Wesley.

I-I don't mean to be picky,

but we seem to be missing Wesley's head.

- Are all the animals supposed to have heads?

- Excuse me.

I know you Ridge Valley people range from a little off

to King of Banana Land.

But I was just wondering

if you were anywhere near the same degree of craziness

as my ex-boyfriend.

- That would be the mime.

- You see, Dick and Joanna won't tell me the truth.

How is he?

Does he cry out the name "Stephanie" in his sleep?

- No.

- Cupcake?

- No.

- Cuppers?

Lambchop?

Wonder Wench?

Dreamsicle?

Mommy?

- Stephanie, why don't we leave Dick and Corrine alone

so they can talk?

- Corrine, can I--can I--can I be honest with you?

- Well, of course, Dick.

You're my friend.

I trust you more than anybody else in the world.

After all, you gave me hope.

- Well, you know, I know--I know you've had a couple rejections.

- Forty-one.

- Huh?

- Forty-one of those stinking little sheets of paper.

I'm sorry, Dick.

- Any eights?

- Go fish.

- You know, Terry, I was noticing all the queens

have little holes where their eyes should be.

- Yeah? So?

- Well, isn't that a little...oddball?

- Is it oddball that all four queens kept staring at me?

Like they were better than me?

They needed to be taught a lesson, Michael.

- You bet.

- Any sixes?

- This is my first sanitarium gig.

- How about you? - Same here.

I was just your average Joe until she came along.

- You're in here because of a woman?

Carbon copies-ville.

- She was so beautiful.

We fell in love, went out for a while, broke up.

- Ditto on that data.

- I didn't take it very well.

- I'm here, buddy.

- Locked her in the trunk of her car.

Drove to the pier.

Got off on a technicality.

I'll bet you've heard this story a million times.

- Yeah, if I had a nickel.

- Hello, Michael. - Stephanie.

- Michael, is that the girl you broke up with?

So basically, she's up for grabs?

Keep her busy, I'll be back in a minute.

- Oh Michael, what have I done to you?

- I did this to myself, ex-cupcake.

- Is it because you saw me having dinner with another man?

- Well, that was just part of it.

I guess I just, I needed a good rest.

- Did you have to rest here?

Most of the people I know rest in Barbados.

- Steph, I'm happy here.

- Happy?

You're wearing paper slippers.

- I'm through crying.

All the tears have been sucked from my ducts.

- Well, aren't you a pretty little thing.

Stephanie, is it?

You know when my life began, Stephanie?

The moment we met.

I looked at you and felt myself come alive.

Everything about you, the way you look at me,

staring at me,

like you're better than me,

like you need to be taught a lesson.

- Whoa, four o'clock, visiting hours are over.

- Oh my queen, the plans I've made for us.

The thrills in store.

- But, I don't even know you.

- So that's how it is?

I see.

Tell me, darling.

What kind of car do you drive?

- What?

- Got a lot of trunk space?

- She doesn't have a car.

She rides a bicycle everywhere.

- Does it have a basket?

- She has to go now.

- You know, my dove, I could escort you home

if you just sign a little paper for me.

- I don't think so.

- Well, it was worth a try.

Last week, some bonehead sprung a firebug.

- Bye, Michael.

I'll come back and visit you again.

- Oh, I wish you wouldn't. It's too difficult for me.

And him.

- It was a pleasure, Stephanie.

I'm sure we'll meet again.

- Oh, I doubt it.

And my name isn't really Stephanie.

It's Joanna.

Joanna Loudon, and I'm taller than this.

- You have lovely hair, Joanna.

My last girlfriend had hair just like that.

See?

- Eww!

- Standing guard, George?

- I want to make sure this fire stays in the fireplace,

if you know what I mean.

- Cranked out another batch, Dick.

- Oh, boy.

- Say hello to Juanita Weasel.

- I-I-I don't remember W-Wesley having a girlfriend.

- That's for our next book.

- What--what--what next book?

- I've got enough ideas floating around up here for 20 books.

You and I are going to make one hell of a team.

So what do you think?

- It's, uh, it's-it's-it's nice.

- Do you really like it?

- A-Actually, no. - What?

- I-I don't mean this in-in-in a bad way,

but there was better stuff

hanging in the trauma section at Ridge Valley.

I-I thought--I thought you didn't smoke.

- I don't.

This is my "God don't let me snap now" pack.

What do you think, sweater girl?

- I like it.

- What?

- Well, it has, uh, a few problems.

- I see.

What do you think of my work, tool jockey?

- I'm scared, Dick.

- Steady, George. Steady.

- Well?

- I...can't...talk.

- Well, you don't have to hit me over the head.

I mean, I've been on this side of rejection before.

- Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

- Oh, so what? I can deal with it.

If it wasn't for all that sunshine

that you blew up my hospital gown,

I would have gone back to technical drawing

where I belong.

- Well, I'm glad you're finally being honest with yourself.

- As long as I'm being honest, I think your book bites it.

- What--what's wrong with my book?

- "Wesley's eyes grew wide

"at the low voltage shock he received

"from not properly grounding

the AKV electronic timing system."

Boy, Dick.

- There's a problem with that?

G-George, you--you liked it, d-didn't you?

- Don't ask me, I've got problems of my own.

I promised God that if I weren't burned alive,

I'd become a priest.

- George, I'm sure he'll understand if you renege.

- Y-You're both crazy. The--the kids will eat this up.

- Gee, you sure don't take rejection very well, Dick.

- This is really good stuff.

"Phew, Wendell,

"we just installed the entire Aqua Wizard P246

"automatic sprinkling system with the AKV thermal regulator,

and it meets all state and local safety specifications."

Ah!

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!