Original subtitles

[]

- I don't know, Harry.

I can't make up my mind.

Everything looks so good.

Oh, miss!

- [SIGH] What?

- What do you suggest?

- Well, I'd use less hairspray and that lip gloss has to go.

- Mornings, me lads, me lasses.

- Hi, Michael.

- Steph.

- Why do you keep coming back here?

You made it perfectly clear to me that it's over.

- Just because our amour is no more,

doesn't mean you have custody of the compadres.

- Meaning?

- Michael is saying that he-he's our friend too.

Isn't that what you're saying?

- I think so.

- Then why are you always saying nasty things

about Dick behind his back?

- Why are you here, Michael?

- I thought maybe you could feed me.

You going to finish that strip of bacon?

- Yes.

- Stephanie, why don't you make Michael some breakfast?

- I'd rather roast in hell.

- She's taking this breakup pretty well.

Don't you think?

- So how's the, uh, job hunting going?

- I've papered this town with resume mucho.

- Any--any nibbles?

- I did get one offer,

but I don't think I can do that in front of a camera.

- Oh, Mis-Mr. Gorski, what a pleasant surprise.

Honey, this is the new station owner, Mr. Jack Gorski.

- Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

- Hi, Mr. Gorski. Remember me?

- Of course.

I fired you after you called my daughter a tramp.

- Good memory.

Oh, I've got to run. I've got this thing

at this thing concerning a very promising thing.

- We'll keep my things crossed.

- Dick, I'll come right to the point.

I'm starting a new late night talk show next week,

and I'd like you to--

- Th-Th-That's very kind of you,

b-but Vermont Today takes up so much of my time.

I-I don't know if I could handle hosting two shows.

- Well, I'm not asking you to.

I'm not thrilled with you hosting one show.

I've signed Don Prince to host Vermont Tonight.

- Who's that?

- Well, remember the irascible delicatessen owner on

It's Always Moishe?

- No. - He was the whole show.

Then he did a horrible reunion special,

A Very Moishe Christmas ,

and they made him leave California.

I found him doing radio in Jersey.

- Morning, everybody. - Hi, George.

Mr. Gorski, this is our handyman, George Utley.

- George. - Morning.

- George, do you remember Don Prince?

- From It's Always Moishe ?

What a show.

Now I'll have that darn theme song

running through my head all day long.

Who's the guy Who cuts pastrami?

It's always Moishe

Who's the guy Who lives with Mommy?

It's always Moishe

- Anyway, I'd like you to be the first guest on Don's show.

- Me?

- I wanted a surefire celebrity to grab some audience.

- Really?

- But you're all I could come up with.

- Don't let it go to your head.

- Well, I'm sure I can spare a night

to hel-help the guy out.

- Thanks.

If you turned me down, I was going to ask her.

- Who's the guy Who sells the knishes?

It's always Moishe

Who's the guy Who smells like fishes?

Everybody--

TOGETHER: It's always Moishe

- Cue Mr. Prince, 15 seconds to air.

- I put your favorite coffee mug on the desk

in the same spot as usual, Dick.

- What same spot?

This show has never been on before, Bud.

- Then whose mug did I give you?

- In three, two...

[]

Live from Studio 2, it's Vermont Tonight ,

starring the prince of late night, Don Prince.

- Can you spare it?

Vermont, I had to get booked in Vermont.

I'll make you people feel at home.

Would you like some syrup on your pancakes?

Guess the NyQuil kicked in.

Maybe you could calm down long enough

to say hello to the Vermont Tonight band.

Ted, are you bowing or did you eat some bad mayonnaise?

What a band, eh? What a band.

I make better music when I sit on balloons.

- "Put syrup on your pancakes."

- Bud, I spoke to the mortuary

and they say you died last Tuesday.

And they want you to return the shoes.

My first guest tonight is a local talk show host,

Dick Loudon.

[]

Would you walk a little faster?

The show is only 90 minutes.

- Nice--nice to meet you.

- What happened? They run out of...

They run out of paper in the men's room?

- Don, on behalf of WPIV,

I'd like to welcome you to Vermont.

- Gee, I get chills.

Look who they sent me, the janitor,

to welcome me to Vermont.

- No, I-I'm not the janitor.

I-I-I'm Dick Loudon, I-I host Vermont Today .

- Oh, who the hell watches that show?

Some old lonely lumberjacks

and maybe one guy that works the ski lift.

- No. - That's a nice suit, Dick.

You wear that, and in eight years,

it'll come back in style.

- A-Actually, Vermont Today was the first show

to-to interview Congressman Joseph Scandore af-after he--

- It's an old suit, isn't it?

- After--after he was indicted for lau-laundering cash.

- You hate the part with the buck, don't you?

- I-I-I spend--I spend bucks.

- On what? Muscatel?

- I don't [CLEARS THROAT]I don't--I don't drink.

- Look at that, Dick. You're starting to blush, huh?

You're starting to blush.

Either that, or he's thinking about me being naked.

What's the matter, Dick? You got jock itch?

- How much--how much time do we--do we have left?

- Eighty-four minutes.

- Oh--oh my God.

- Dick, you're sweating like a pig.

What do you got, malaria?

What's in that mug? Let me see.

- Wa--uh, water.

- What are those olives doing in there?

- Th-Th-There are no olives.

- What the hell are they?

Hot smoke shot out of my pants.

Who's the guy Who's sweet and caring?

It's always Moishe

e Who's the guy Who reeks from herring?

It's always Moishe

- Morning, George. - Morning, Joanna.

Listen to this review.

"Last night, during the premier of Vermont Tonight ,

"I witnessed a miracle.

"My Uncle Ed, who has been unable to walk for 35 years,

"leapt out of bed,

"rushed across the room and changed the channel.

"All in all,

"Vermont Tonight is like a wheel of aged cheese.

"It stinks."

Not bad, huh?

- Oh, I'll have waffles too, Stephanie.

- Sorry, the kitchen closed two minutes ago.

- Then reopen it. I just got up.

Dick was on TV last night

and I didn't get to bed until after 1.

- I thought the older you get, the less sleep you need.

- No, the older you get, the more waffles you need.

Now get them.

- I think somebody in this room needs a nap.

- Okay, but I'm going to finish my waffles first.

Oh Dick, I talked to the mortuary.

You died last Tuesday. [LAUGHS]

And they want the shoes back.

[JOANNA AND GEORGE LAUGH]

- Okay, now that you both have had your fun,

you want to knock it off?

- Okay.

Were you really thinking about Don Prince naked?

- Yes, George. - I could tell!

- Here's your waffles. - They're wet.

- Well, I had to wash the coffee grounds off.

- I'll have eggs. - So will I.

- Oh, get off this power trip, Joanna.

- Oh hi, Joanna.

Good morning, Dick, my boy. [CHUCKLES]

Quite a show last night, huh?

How'd you sleep?

- Like this.

- I slept like a baby too.

The station switchboard lit up like a Christmas tree.

Three calls.

I think we've got a solid hit.

- Yeah, well, I'll try to catch the show again sometime.

- Dick, when I came aboard,

I had you sign that overall contract with me.

- So?

- Well, so I can use you in any show I want,

and I want you on Vermont Tonight

five nights a week.

Here's your production schedule.

- What a lucky break.

You get to be Don Prince's permanent stooge.

Look Joanna, smoke just shot out of his pants.

[]

- Thank you, ladies.

That was the Sunshine Seniors

doing their dance tribute to Metamucil.

Come on Dick, snap out. Wake up. Wake up.

Snap out of it, huh? Wake up.

- Huh?

- What is it with you, huh? Don't you like girls?

- What?

- Well, how about if we hired the Vienna Boys' Choir?

Then maybe we can watch Dick sit up straight.

- Sorry, Don. I've been having trouble

sleeping these last--last couple weeks.

- Yeah? Well, if those bags under your eyes get any lower,

you're going to start to look like your wife.

And by the way, I don't know

what all those merchant marines see in her anyway.

[SIREN BLOWING]

- Oh no.

- That's right, Dick, it's that time again,

everybody's favorite part of the show.

Time to pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

- I really hate this part of the show.

- That's why we do it.

Paul, unleash them.

Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

Right here.

- Hi Don, I'm Anette Gordon and I love your show.

- Thank you, darling.

What do you want to say to Dick?

- I have a question for him.

Dick, is that your face

or is that a roadmap with pants on?

- That was very good, darling.

What do we have for her, Paul?

- A Pick on Dick T-shirt

and dinner for two at the Drum and Musket on Route 14.

Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

Oh, right here. Right here.

- Let's book the Vienna Boys' Choir

and watch Dick sit up straight.

- Bud, were your parents brother and sister?

Nah, you're a good sport.

Paul, give him a T-shirt.

- There you go.

- We have time for one more.

- Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

Pick on Dick.

- Hi, my name is Bill.

I've got one.

A priest, a rabbi and Dick go into a bar.

Dick's got a parrot on his shoulder.

- Wait. Wait a minute.

I-I know that voice.

George, is that you?

- Hi, Dick.

- He-He's my handyman.

- Handyman? I bet he is.

[PHONE RINGS]

- I'll get it.

Stratford Inn.

Yes, we're right off Route 22.

Well, I don't know, how many are in your fleet?

Hold on, and I'll check.

We don't rent rooms by the hour, do we?

- Are those more merchant marines?

- And his voice is shaky.

Either he's really nervous or--ew!

- Go lift weights.

- Well, I guess you want me to go shopping

after a dramatic phone call like that.

- I wouldn't have it any other way.

- That was easy.

I'll go change.

- Psst!

Is the coast clear?

- George, Dick is livid about last night.

How could you make fun of him like that?

- I guess I didn't think.

I just wanted one of those neat T-shirts so bad.

- Well, you can't hide in that basement forever.

- I'll make it up to him.

I'll take him to a complementary dinner for two

at the Drum and Musket.

Feel him out for me, Joanna.

I'll be sitting behind the hot water heater.

- How now, Dick's frau?

- Well, hi Michael.

We haven't seen much of you around here lately.

- Yeah, I've been doing some temp work

at a traveling carnival.

They're camped out in the Sears parking lot.

I clean up after Bip, the monkey boy.

- Well, that'll look good on a resume.

- Where's George? - You just missed him.

- I'm going to find him and hurt him.

What do you want?

- Whoa, somebody got up on the far side of the futon.

I just came by to blanket you

with a bunch of belated bravissimos.

- For what?

- Your sudden surge of celebrity.

Degrading you mercilessly on the air five nights a week

was an obvious programing brainstorm.

I could kick myself for not kicking you sooner.

- Maybe you have some integrity.

- No, I don't think so.

- Michael, we're hoping the show is just a flash in the pan.

- Are you kidding? It's a bonanza, little Jo.

- Honey, why don't you just quit?

- I can't quit. I have a contract.

- Do what I did. Call Gorski's daughter a tramp.

- Three, two...

- Live from Studio 2, it's Vermont Tonight ,

starring the prince of late night,

the man you love to have humiliate me...

the man who said my idea of a good time

is sitting on the porch watching my face break out...

Don Prince.

[APPLAUSE]

- Great intro, Dick.

Next time try not to spit all over the mic.

Say hello to Dick Loudon.

Oh, look at that! Dicky did a little trick.

That was cute, Dicky.

Here, good boy. Good dog. Roll over.

Roll over. Bark. Bark.

Stay. Stay.

What a good dog! What a good dog!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've known my first guest for over 20 years.

He's the king of commercials.

He's done so many,

it's hard to look at his face and not run to the toilet.

Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Tuttle.

[]

[APPLAUSE]

Oh Frank, how are you?

Please.

This is a real star. Get the hell out of that chair.

Get the hell out of that chair.

Come on, move. Move. Sit here, Frank.

Oh boy, Frank Tuttle on my show.

What's a big fat star like you doing in Vermont?

- I'm shooting a movie down the street.

- Who cares? You really annoy me, Frank.

Every time I turn on a TV, I find your face staring at me.

I want you out of my living room, you hear me, Frank?

Out of my living room.

Say hello to Dick.

- Hello, Dick. - Hello, Frank.

- Very good, boys.

Now get undressed and wrestle each other.

- That's funny.

How do you stand working with this guy every night?

- They make me.

- Isn't that cute?

Dicky made a joke.

I guess he passed that stone.

Look, look at this; he's getting red.

Is that a blood clot?

I'm sorry, Dicky's going to cry.

Is it time for Dicky to change his Huggies?

- You're bald and fat.

- What?

- You're fat.

You're fat and--and bald.

- Why'd you say that for? - I-I...

- Dick, I've been in this business

most of my life.

There were times when I was flush

and times when I needed a handout.

I've worked hard for every little thing I've achieved,

and for you to just put me down like that...

I don't understand it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I caI really can't.more.

I'm sorry.

- All--all I--what--what--what did I say?

- You sadistic motherless creep.

- Can I--can I come in?

Listen, about-- about what happened out there,

are you--are you all right? Say something.

- Fat and bald?

I mean, Dick, you could have come up

with some better material than that,

like "Is that your gut,

or are you smuggling a bag of fertilizer?"

- Yeah, that is--that is better.

Wh-What's going on?

- Dick, you gave me a great gift out there.

You emotionally destroyed me.

I'm a basket case.

If that don't get me out of the Gorski contract,

nothing will.

- H-Hold on, you were waiting for me to blow up at you

so you could get out of your contract?

- It took you long enough to crack.

I thought two weeks ago you'd go for my throat,

but you're so damn nice.

- Why--why did--why didn't I pick up on this?

- Because you're an idiot. How do I know?

Listen, Dick, keep this under wraps, huh?

But there's a new interest over at CBS

about bringing back It's Always Moishe,

and the old deli man could use a real good stooge.

- Well, it-it's very tempting, but I think I-I'll stay here

and spend the rest of my life as a-a town joke.

- Whatever you say, Dick.

I'm sorry I destroyed your life, but hey, that's my act.

- Well, there's, you know, no--no harm done.

- Well, you take care of yourself, you hear me, okay?

- Listen, uh, if you don't mind, I'm not a very physical person.

- Oh!

I understand, guy.

Oh, and one more thing.

- Yeah?

[APPLAUSE]

[]

- Meow.