Original subtitles

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- What have you got, George?

- Well, I would have had a straight

if Chester had dealt me a 6.

And an 8 and 9.

The way this hand stands now, I've got garbage.

- Two pair.

Fours over jacks.

- Sorry. Three deuces.

- Keep your pants on, Dick.

Read 'em and weep, boys.

Four lovely ladies.

Come to papa.

- Jim, you don't have to act so all-fired cocky

just because you won a few hands.

- A few? I'm creamin' you guys!

- Oh gumdrop!

- Hi, Michael. How are things at the shoe store?

- Joanna, do you know what it's like

to spend 60 hours a week

squatting on a stool within sniffing distance

of strange peoples' feet?

- Can't say that I do.

- Ooooh, again you remembered!

- Well, natch.

Any suitor worth his salt

knows that Cupcake Day comes but once a year.

- I don't believe I've heard of Cupcake Day.

- Michael created it for me two years ago

to help fill that long void

between Valentine's Day and Easter

when I didn't get any gifts.

- I wish I'd known.

I haven't even begun my Cupcake Day shopping.

- [GIGGLES] Don't worry about it.

There's a three-day grace period.

- Since I'm in this minimal monetary mode,

instead of the traditional diamond trinket,

I--I opted for something a bit more...symbolic.

- It's a cupcake.

- Maybe you're not picking up on the symbolism.

- I get it, Michael, it's Cupcake Day

and you're giving me a stupid cupcake.

- Stephanie, Michael has been going through some hard times.

- Well, how am I supposed to get in the holiday spirit

when you give me something like this,

on the second holiest day of the year?

- I'm sorry, Stephums.

- So this is as good as it gets?

I guess this means no dinner either.

- Well, pshaw!

That'll be the icing on the cupcake.

Tonight we dine at... Maison Hubert.

- That's our restaurant!

Michael, you're such a scamp on this holiday!

- George?

- I'll stay.

On second thought...

four.

- Did I drop a card?

[GROANS] So I did.

- Hey, I saw that.

You pulled that card out of your sock!

- You're crazy, Jim.

A card fell on the floor and I merely retrieved it.

- I know a cheater when I see one.

There's sock fuzz all over the card...

And look, it's an ace.

He's nothing but a common criminal.

- Careful.

Jim, I wouldn't call the mayor a criminal.

- Well, I knew he took staples and rubber bands home from work,

but I never thought he'd cheat at cards.

- So now I'm a cheater and a petty thief.

- Well, at least you're man enough to admit it.

- Guys!

- Jim Dixon, you're pushing me to the breaking point.

- Chester Wanamaker, you're an immoral hound!

- Oh, merciful heavens,

forgive me for what I'm about to do.

- Ow!

- Don't hit. I'm a bleeder!

- Good evening, Hubert.

- Monsieur Harris!

Mademoiselle Vanderkellen.

So nice to have you back where you belong

here at Maison Hubert.

- Merci, Hubert.

- I'm afraid we, uh, we don't have a reservation.

- Never a problem for Mr. Harris.

- I'm so glad. It's a special day for me.

- Sacre Bleu! Can it be Cupcake Day already?

- Where does the time go?

- I haven't even begun shopping for your Cupcake Day gift.

- There's still time.

- Thank God for that three-day grace period!

Follow me.

Up, up, up, up!

Back to the bar.

- But it's our 25th anniversary!

- Michel, Richard!

Some people!

- Oh, no!

What are Rollo and Fiona doing in Vermont?

- Who?

- The Wallingfords.

Our families have hated each other for years,

and they have this icky son Roscoe

who was always trying to touch me at cotillions.

- Steph, are you forgetting the bylaws?

Discussing reality on Cupcake Day is forbidden.

- [CHUCKLES] Of course!

Well, shall we ask Henri to bring us

our traditional bottle of Dom Perignon?

- Uh, bully bottle of bubbly,

but why not sample something more...more local.

- Vermont Blush?

- Truth be known, Cuppers, this current cash crunch of mine...

- Say no more.

Actually this Vermont Blush sounds rather tasty,

and you know how much I love a nice...cranberry wine.

- I can see what you're doing.

A man with half a brain can tell you don't mean that,

and I happen to be one of those men.

So I'm shy a few shekels.

So what? It's Cupcake Day, a time of giving.

- And getting.

- Henri.

- Oui, Monsieur Harris.

- Bring us your finest bottle of Dom Perignon.

- Bon.

- Tonight, we live.

- Gustav really outdid himself tonight.

- It takes a culinary master to mold a 5-pound lobster

into the shape of a cupcake.

- Excuse me, monsieur, but there seems to be some

petit problem with your credit card.

- Not platinum enough for you? [CHUCKLES]

- This is no matter for chuckling.

We called the company for credit approval,

and you are flatly denied.

- That can't be!

- We've been asked to destroy your card.

- You can't do that to me! It's the only card I have left.

- Henri has kindly agreed to do the honor.

[GASP]

- The bill must be paid in cash.

- $248?

- Plus gratuity.

- But I don't have that kind of cash!

- I warn you, monsieur,

do not try to run out on the tab.

Michel and Richard are no stranger to kickboxing.

- Help me, Steph. Cough up some cold cash.

- You know I don't carry money on Cupcake Day.

- We've got to change these bylaws!

- And I can't wash dishes in this dress.

It's a Gini Labrazizzi.

- There's only one thing left to do...beg!

- Who?

- Them.

- I can't beg the Wallingfords for money.

- Maybe we could sell them your dress!

[SOBS]

- [SIGHS] All right. I'll grovel.

- Oh, thank you, Steph.

This time you'll be canonized for sure!

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wallingford.

Remember me, Stephanie Vanderkellen?

- Of course, dear. It's so good to see you.

- Is this your young man?

- Michael Harris.

What brings you to Vermont?

I'll bet you $300 it's not the skiing.

[CHUCKLES]

- We're up visiting Roscoe.

He's studying at Bennington College.

- Still? Isn't he like 38?

- The lad can't settle on a major.

- [GIGGLES] Anyway, the silliest thing just happened to Michael.

- Oh, yes.

We did notice the little unpleasantness

with the credit card.

- See, I, uh, left my other wallet,

the one with the big roll of money in it,

in my other Ferrari.

- And you'd like us to take care of your...

- Thanks! You're a lifesaver.

- I can't help you.

- Please, Mr. Wallingford.

Don't make me beg. I'm not good at it.

- I think you're marvelous at it, dear.

Pay the bill, Rollo.

Imagine the fun we'll have

telling anyone who'll listen at the club

that a Vanderkellen begged a Wallingford for money.

- I'll...I'll get your coat.

- Thank you.

- Stephanie...I'm not quite sold on this Michael of yours.

You know, our Roscoe has always been rather smitten with you.

- Oh-h-h-h.

- If it's any inducement,

he's had that lazy eye corrected.

- Well, [SIGHS]

I don't know if Roscoe and I are...

- Libby Hartcourt says you clean toilets at some motel.

- It's not a motel.

It's an inn... and I don't care

if Roscoe did get his eyes fixed.

He'll always have that hump!

[SOBS] I had the worst Cupcake Day ever!

- Another delightful meal. Au revoir, Hubert.

- It is not au revoir. It is goodbye, deadbeater.

- Well, it was bound to happen.

- What's--what's that, George?

- Jim and Chester have officially broken up.

- Oh, no! That's just terrible.

Their friendship was practically legendary around here.

- Jim and Chester are going around telling everybody in town

that if Dick hadn't forced them to play cards last night,

they never would have had that awful squabble.

- I never forced anybody to do anything.

- That's not how the town sees it.

- George, you were there.

Y-You know I had nothing to do with it.

- I'd like to believe you, Dick,

but what would the town gain by lying?

Think about that.

- Good morning, Michael.

- Let's pass with the pleasantries, JoJo.

I'm pleading for my love life here.

- Oh, muffin. - Drop dead!

- She's a little irked that I made her beg for money

in a restaurant.

I come bearing an armload of gifts.

- Well, I guess I could entertain

the idea of accepting it.

After all, I was publicly humiliated.

- What happened last night will never happen again.

They're letting me work double shifts at the shoe store,

and for extra money, the owner said he'd train me

to become a cobbler.

- A cobbler?

- It's a lost art.

- You know, when you think of it,

where are the young cobblers coming from?

- Trust me, Steph, I'm going to make things better for us.

I swear it!

- Oh, Michael!

What am I going to do with you?

- [CHUCKLES] Well now, run upstairs and try that on.

[CHUCKLES]

Dick, I need 20 grand fast.

- What? - Okay, 18.

- Michael, we don't have that kind of money!

- [SHOUTING] Don't plead poverty with me, pal.

I'm late on my mortgage.

I've missed my last two Turbo-Z payments.

I've got the repo man rapping at my door

and I just wrote a bum check to buy that gift.

I'm drowning.

[SOBS]

- Michael, Michael, we'd like to help you.

- You see, our money is tied up in the inn.

- Then sell it!

- We're not going to sell the inn

to support your extravagant lifestyle.

- And here I was thinking I could count on you

when things got tough!

I guess you don't know the true meaning of friendship.

[YELLING] You should look it up sometime.

[SOBS]

- Michael, how did you know that I love black mink.

You shouldn't have!

[CHUCKLES]

- Now before I total this up,

you'll want some heel savers and some shoe trees

so those wing tips don't lose their shape.

- I don't think I need those.

- [YELLING] Hey, I'm working on a commission here, buddy.

You're taking food out of my baby's mouth!

- Okay, okay.

- That'll be 74 even.

And next time you come back, be sure to ask for Michael.

- You couldn't pay me to come back.

- You don't have to shove our shoes

down the customer's throat.

They sell themselves due to their superb workmanship

and low, low, discount prices.

We have a 2-1/2-year tradition to uphold,

and your attitude is tarnishing the good name

of Circus of Shoes.

- I'll remember that, Mr. Rusnak.

- Stan, we have a customer.

- Wait on her and you're a dead man, Stan.

How may I help you?

- Chuck! - Dr. Kaiser.

- In our therapy sessions, you never mentioned

you worked in a shoe store.

- Michael, I asked Stan to wait on this customer.

- I know, but she's... she's my mother.

Sorry.

He only lets me wait on relatives.

- I see, but he called you Michael.

Your name is Chuck.

- Oh, right. Actually, it's Michael Chuck.

Some call me Michael. Some call me Chuck.

Some call me Michael Chuck.

- Well, Michael Chuck.

- Yes.

- Maybe you could show me this in a 6-1/2 C.

- Excellent choice.

- Are you all right? You seem a bit tense.

- Confidentially, Dr. Kaiser,

I've had this strain on my brain for some time.

[CHUCKLES]

You know my sweetie, Stephie.

- In sessions, she said her name was Dawn.

- Well, right. Actually it's Stephie Dawn.

Some...some call her Stephie. Some call her...

- Oh, I think I see where you're going with this,

Michael Chuck.

So you and Stephie Dawn are having more problems?

- Dr. Kaiser, I'm a worthless human being.

I lost my high-profile job,

and now I spend quantity time looking at other peoples' toes.

Yours are cute though.

- Thank you. - I've got no credit.

My friends won't lend me a piddling 20 grand!

And I made my Stephie go and beg for money

like some common panhandler.

[SOBS]

- Well, if you'd like to make an appointment...

- [YELLING] Oh, sure, like I can still afford you uptown shrinks!

[SOBS]

- Well, uh, these heels fit rather nicely.

- I'm glad, and they're on sale, too.

- Michael Chuck... Do you think

perhaps the pressure of your current situation

is putting a strain on your relationship

with Stephie Dawn?

- I can't afford her champagne tastes

on my Dr. Pepper wages. [SOBS]

Please help me! I've got a cupcake on my back!

[SOBS]

- There, there, there, there.

Please don't cry on my skirt. It's suede.

- Sorry.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I used to be... Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky.

[CHUCKLES]

And now I'm just like a Weeping Willie.

[SOBS]

I don't know... who I am anymore.

- Well, that's... that's just the problem.

You see, until you know who the real Michael

or Chuck or Michael Chuck is...

how can you expect to make any Stephie or Dawn

or Stephie Dawn happy?

- I'm glad you liked the shoes, Mom.

You've given me a lot to think about.

You're going to be canonized for sure.

- Please take care of yourself.

- Bye, Mom.

- Nice going, Michael Chuck.

You never charged your mother for those pumps!

Turn in your shoehorn.

You're fired!

- So the reason I asked both of you over here tonight

was to just straighten out this business.

- Dick is upset because the whole town

is blaming him for your breakup.

- Well, if Dick hadn't twisted our arms

into playing cards, and allowed us to go the movies

like we do every other second Tuesday of the month,

Jim and I would still be friends.

- That's what the town says.

- I don't care what the town says.

Y-You're throwing away a-a 40-year friendship

over a stupid poker game.

- Has it really been 40 years?

- 41 this coming Lent.

We've been through a lot together.

- Yeah. Through heck and high water.

Chester, it was wrong of me to accuse you of cheating.

After all, I was cheating, too.

- You were?

- Well, you had every right to accuse me.

I was cheating.

- You were? This is nuts!

- If truth be known,

I had a couple of aces tucked away in my overalls, too.

- What?

I don't ever want to play cards w-with you lunatics again.

All right. E-Everybody, go home!

- I live here.

- I don't care! Just get out of here!

- Say, let's head on over to my place

for a friendly game of seven-card stud.

- Yeah, let's play clean for a change.

GEORGE: Do we have to?

- I mean, this is ridiculous!

All my friends are cardsharks.

At least when we play cards, it's on the up and up.

- Boy, could I use a cup of coffee.

- It is on the up and up, isn't it?

- Oh, Michael.

I'm so glad you're here.

I just finished ironing your work shirts for you,

but you'll have to keep your jacket on

because I only did the fronts.

- Thanks, Steph, but you didn't have to bother.

They're no longer work shirts. They're out-of-work shirts.

- You lost your job?

Well, what will we do now?

How can you sink any lower?

- Don't underestimate me.

I've got momentum on my side.

This is only the tip of my top,

but I'm not going to drag you down with me.

- What are you saying?

- I'm on the bottom rung of that Steph-ladder.

[GIGGLES]

- You're not breaking up with me!

- I can't stand being a loser in your eyes.

Dammit! I want to be who I used to be...

your knight in shining cashmere.

- Okay, who is she? - Huh?

- The one you're trading me in for, what is she?

A dizzy brunette?

- There's no one, Steph. I swear.

- You're... dumping me for no one?

You mean, I've been doing all this supportive woman crap

for nothing?

[SOBS]

- And you're honestly willing to give up this?

[SOBS]

- Well, Michael, you do have problems!

- No kidding!

[SOBS]

And uh, I...I have to, uh...

I have to take back the mink, too.

[SOBS]

- [YELLING] Michael, I forbid you to dump me!

[YELLING] Michael!

- What happened? Where--where's your mink?

- Michael repossessed it.

- Why?

- You don't give a mink to someone you've broken up with.

- You mean, you and Michael...

Are you going to be all right?

- Dick, I'm a big girl.

Worse things have happened.

I certainly don't need any Michael Harris in my life.

[CRYING]

- It's going to be a long, long winter.

[]

- Meow.