Original subtitles

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- Joanna, why-- why didn't you stop me

from eating that fifth pancake?

- I tried! Didn't you notice me

jabbing your hand with my fork?

- You should know me by now. You've got to break the skin.

- Ooooh, somebody left us a note.

"Good morning. "Saw you were eating.

"Didn't want to interrupt.

"Checked myself into Room 2.

Hope you don't mind. L. Gardner."

- You mean, somebody came in off the street and--

and checked themselves in?

- Oh, I remember.

An L. Gardner wrote us for reservations

about a month ago.

I wonder if that's who it is.

- Don't go out on a limb, Joanna.

- Joanna, if you were going

to a $2500-a-plate charity dinner

at the Ritz-Carlton in New York, which of course you aren't...

And you had to decide between two designer gowns

which, of course, you don't own,

which one would you choose?

- Well, obviously the white one.

- Okay. You've got another shot at it.

- The black one.

- That was my first choice, too.

- What, uh, what charity is it?

- Uh, oh, it's one of those causes...

the needy, the starving.

I forget which. Anyway...

The point is, we all get to dress up,

eat a lot, and impress each other.

- Do you know the water is running in Room 2?

- Yeah, we--we have a guest in there, George.

- You didn't happen to... catch a glimpse

of whoever is in there, did you?

- Joanna, I'm not in the habit of

peeking at guests in the shower.

Not since Dick yelled at me.

- Oh, Steph. - Hi, Michael.

- Hello, Stratford inn-mates.

- Bad news, bear.

Starting today, the Circus of Shoes

will be open 24 hours a day.

- Who would buy shoes in the middle of the night?

- Ask my manager.

This silly scheme seeped out of his cerebellum.

It's going to fail just like his

buy one pair/get one shoe free idea.

- Poor you! Ready for tonight?

- Sorry, Cuppers.

There's a timecard with my name on it.

- [SIGHS] Well, I guess there's no choice.

Quit your job.

- My mitts are manacled.

None of the other salesmen can work tonight.

Timmy's cramming for a spelling bee.

The manager has his SATs coming up.

- Well, that means I can't go to the ball! [SOBS]

- Stephanie, if it'll make you feel better,

you can hang out with Joanna and me tonight and play Yahtzee.

[SOBS]

- Well, that certainly helped.

- Dick, you know I would never ask you a favor

unless you were around.

This dinner means mucho to my muffin.

Do you think you could possibly pinch-hit for me tonight?

- Michael, I'm not very comfortable at formal affairs.

- Suck in that ego, Dick. I mean, at the shoe store.

- No!

[STEPHANIE CRYING LOUDLY]

- All right, all right. You...you can go to the ball.

- I don't want to go to the ball.

I hate those things!

- If I can't import an escort,

there'll be no more muffin on my menu.

- Michael, I--I still don't think that--that...

- Don't make me resort to blackmail, Dick.

- You--you don't have anything on me.

- [SOBS] You see how pathetic I am!

And that was my trump card!

[SOBS]

- Wow-wee!

- Dick, these are 200 of the most prominent people

on the East Coast.

You don't say, "Wow-wee."

You use words like "ah," "hmmm."

- I--I guess the richer you are,

the fewer syllables you have to use.

- Oh, the Thorntons are here.

When you meet Mr. Thornton,

don't mention the word "indictment."

- I'll, uh...I'll try to keep my acerbic tongue in check.

- One more thing, when you finish eating that shrimp puff,

don't sniff your fingers.

- I suppose I can't spit on the floor either.

- Dick, this isn't the Stratford.

- Pardon me, have you seen Binky?

- Huh?

- Ah, there he is, and he's with Tess.

Hmmm.

- Dick, if you don't know the answer to a question,

don't say "huh."

Just toss your head back in a playful manner

and laugh knowingly, like so.

[GIGGLES]

- May-maybe I should just wait in the plane.

- Just smile and have a good time.

Oh, damn! Libby Hardcourt is here.

We hate her.

- Why-- why do we hate her?

- Oh, she's one of those spoiled,

snotty little rich girls. You know the type.

- I--I have a pretty good idea.

- Her coming-out party cost $50,000 more than mine.

Her parents even flew in Carol Channing

who made us all sing along to "Hello, Libby."

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

Libby dear! - Stephanie darling.

- It's been too long.

- Stephanie, your hair.

- Oh, do you like it? - Not a bit!

- Oh, I see you're wearing an original Gianina Brazizzi.

- Yes, and I see you're wearing the knockoff.

- Have you met my escort, Scooter Drake.

- Hello. Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Yes, of course.

Libby's told me so much about you.

You're the one who got smashed at her coming-out party

and tried to choke Carol Channing with her boa.

- And this is my escort, Richard Loudon.

- Scooter.

- Hello, old man.

- Did you hear that Scooter's microchip company's

just been sold for $280 million?

- $200? Wow!

Ah!

Hmmm!

- And these are my neighbors from Southampton,

Kip and Anastasia DuPont.

- Hello. - Charmed.

- You mean the DuPonts?

- [GIGGLES] Obviously, Richard.

- I, uh, I have your carpet in my bedroom.

- Your escort is just too droll.

- Isn't he though?

Richard, my glass is empty.

- Oh, all right, and while I'm getting you a refill,

I'll...I'll try to come up with some more droll lines.

- We'll be looking forward to them.

- Heckuva party, huh?

- Indeed. I don't believe we've met.

Colonel Reginald Croft-Tipton.

But call me Binky. Everybody does.

- All right, all right, Binky. I'm, uh, Richard Loudon.

- Not Sir Richard Loudon?

[LAUGHS]

- Hi. I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What's up?

- It seems a puzzling phenomenon occurred.

We were in the woods choosin' up sides

for a quick game of Naked Prey...

But Darryl forgot the Turtle Wax for the bonus round...

So we went back to the caf� where we found this.

- "Good afternoon.

"Couldn't find a waiter, "so I made myself breakfast.

"Hope you don't mind. L. Gardner."

- Did you happen to get a glance at L. Gardner?

- No. Sorry.

What's that?

You saw the L. Gardner in question?

- Well, is it a man or a woman?

- Seems to be a discrepancy of opinion.

Darryl thinks it's a woman, but Darryl begs to differ.

Since my brothers are known for their extraordinary

gender-guessing skills, it's safe to assume

that L. Gardner could only be

a swing dancer from the road company

of the lilting Jerry Herman musical

La Cage Aux Folles .

- I was so far off.

- Scooter just bought the most charming villa in Anguilla.

- It's only 14 rooms. I bought it for the rhyme.

[CHUCKLES]

- Well, Richard and I winter

at this charming little inn in Vermont.

- We also spring, summer, and fall there.

- Vermont. How...backwoodsy.

- I just happen to own that charming backwoodsy inn,

and Stephanie is well acquainted since she is the--

- Oh, Richard, my glass.

- I've never seen you so parched.

- Wherever did you find your Richard?

He's such a refreshing change from an interesting person.

- Well...actually, Richard is very interesting.

He's just so modest.

It's really such a chore to get him to chat

about his incredible wealth.

- Oh, really, Steffie? Do fill us in.

- Well, you're all so well-traveled,

surely you've stayed at a Loudon hotel.

- I don't believe we have.

- You should splurge once in a while.

- Come to think of it, I believe I have stayed

at a Loudon hotel in Boca...Raton.

- Oh, of course! Kip and I honeymooned

at the new Loudon in Portofino.

- The golf course was most challenging.

And so was Anastasia.

- Oh, don't I know.

- So he's that Richard Loudon.

Ah!

ALL: Hmmm.

- Isn't there a Loudon conceptual art wing

at the Whitney?

- Got me!

- Richard, darling.

We're all just dying to know more

about those little inns of yours.

[LAUGHS]

- It must be absolutely thrilling to have one's name

be synonymous with the word "luxury."

- It--it must be.

- What a delightful sense of humor!

- The next time we weekend in Bimini,

we'll have to stay at your resort.

- I don't--I don't recall having a resort in Bimini.

- You know the one, Richard. It's a small one on the bluff.

- Oh, oh, the--the bluff one.

You know, Stephanie, I-I have a sudden urge

to refill your glass.

Would you-- would you care to join me?

- Oh, no. It's still full.

- Polish it off on the way.

- He's such an imp.

- What is going on here?

Why--why do they suddenly think of me as a hotel tycoon?

- Oh, you know the social elite. They probably just assumed.

- They assumed I had a resort in Bimini?

I--I don't even know where--where Bimini is!

- Well, maybe I embellished a little bit.

- Maybe you lied your head off.

- I was forced into it.

Libby didn't find you very interesting.

- I don't care what Libby thinks.

We hate her anyway.

- The point is, I was just trying to make you look better.

- I don't want to look better.

I-I'm Dick.

Not--not Richard Loudon.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to go over there right now

and tell that to... to, uh, to Scooter and...

and Kip and Anastasia and Libby and...and Dinkie.

- It's Binky. - Whatever!

- Dick, you cannot go over there.

You'll humiliate us both, especially me!

- Excuse me, aren't you Richard Loudon?

- No, I'm Dick... Merv Griffin!

- That's right. - Uh, yes, yes.

I'm, uh, I-I'm Richard Loudon, but you...

you can...you call me Dick. Ev-every-veeryone does.

- Uh-huh.

- And I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen,

Dick's very, very special friend.

- Uh-huh. Very nice to meet you.

- Say, Richard, I've been hearing your name

around here all evening.

- Ah!

- That's what I miss about having a talk show,

meeting really fascinating people like you.

- You know, I have... I have a talk show, too.

- Ooooh!

Oh, there's Mort.

Listen, I promised my dear friend Malcolm Forbes

that I'd sing "I Want to Go Back to My Little Grass Shack."

Why don't you join me for a duet?

- Well, uh, I-- I could do a little harmony.

- Oh, that's good. Okay.

Meet me at the Steinway.

- I'm going to sing harmony with Merv Griffin!

- Maybe I could sing the high part.

- Stephanie, this is a duet for guys.

Just Merv and me.

- I want to go back To my little grass shack

- In Kealakekua - Hawaii

I want to be with All the kanes and wahines

That I knew long ago

I can hear those Guitars a playin'

- Playin'

- Playin' on the beach At Honaunau

- Ho-ho-hoedown

- I can hear The old Hawaiians saying

- Saying lu lui How ei kow e i

- George, it's almost midnight. Aren't you going to bed?

- I'm determined to sit right here until

L. Gardner comes in. Care to join me?

- Aren't you being a little bit silly?

- Oh, right. I guess we would have bit more room

if we sat on the sofa.

- Listen! You hear that?

It's him!

Or her. How do I look?

- Fine, George.

- Gosh! He looks just like Michael Harris.

- I am Michael Harris.

- Oh, for a minute there, we thought you were L. Gardner.

- No, I'm only el shoe clerk.

But I could be L. Gardner if the pesos are right.

- If you're looking for Stephanie,

she's not back from New York yet.

- Oh, yeah, I didn't think so.

You know, now that I'm selling clogs around the clock,

my lunch break is midnight until one

and everything's closed.

Any French fries in the fryer or fresh fruit in the fridge?

- I hate to hear myself say this...

but I'm afraid I can find a few frozen frankfurters

in the freezer in front of the fettuccini Alfredo

from Friday.

- Stephanie, what are we doing a week from Tuesday?

Brooke Astor invited us to a soiree.

- Well, dear, you've already committed us

to that yachting thing with the Trumps.

- Darn! I hate to put Brooke off like this.

- Oh, I'm sure your little Brooke will understand.

- You're-- you're not upset, are you?

- Oh, why would I be upset, Mr. Belle of the Ball?

- You're upset b-because they like me?

- They only like you because they don't know who you are.

If they knew the real you like I do,

they wouldn't like you at all!

- Richard, come quickly.

We're toasting the Murdocks' summer home.

- I don't want to miss this.

Rupert's imported some new sconces for the billiard room.

- Thank God. They've been waiting for months

for those sconces.

- Wow-wee!

- To the Murdocks' summer home!

- Cheers!

- And their new sconces.

- Well, Richard, seems that I finally have you all to myself.

- Well, what, uh, what ha-- what happened to--to Scooter?

- Scooter's just a boy.

I want you, Richard.

- There's--there's a lot-- to be--to be said for boys.

Stephanie, I was just looking for you.

- You're wasting your time, Libby.

There's something you should know about Richard.

He's not one of us.

He's just a middle class innkeeper.

[ALL GASP]

[CHUCKLES]

- What a pitiful attempt to grab attention!

- That's true! He's an imposter.

He's as fake as the nose on your face.

- This can't be. I've stayed at his hotel in Bimini.

- He doesn't even know where Bimini is.

- Tell me it isn't true, Sir Richard.

- It isn't, Binky.

I'm...I'm pretty sure I know where Bimini is.

Steph, uh, Stephanie is right.

I'm just an innkeeper-- and--

[ALL GASP AGAIN]

She's--she's a maid.

- A maid!

Oh, my, my, my! How delicious!

- Oh, if only Noel Coward were here.

He'd make great sport of this.

- What--what are you all laughing at?

I mean, I'm--I'm an innkeeper and she's a maid.

Doesn't make any difference whether you're rich or poor.

I mean when all--when all is saidand done, we're...

we're all the same underneath.

Malcolm Forbes.

Henry Kissinger.

Merv Griffin.

Well, there goes my doubles match with Merv and the Gabors.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

And there goes Don Trump's helicopter.

Stephanie, I--I can't take this silent treatment anymore.

Say something.

- How could you humiliate me

in front of my friends like that?

- What friends?

You--you said you hated everybody in that room.

- That's because I felt superior to them.

Now the only one I'm superior to is you!

- If I embarrassed you... I'm--I'm sorry.

- You're forgiven.

I know how easy it is to be seduced by wealth and power.

Some people can handle it with grace and dignity

and others become drooling idiots.

I'm sorry I brought you, Dick.

- Apology accepted.

Now, can--can we go inside?

- I am never going back in there.

From now on, this balcony will be our home.

- I'm sure it's safe.

E-everyone's left e-except the cleaning crew.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Pobrecito Richard Loudon!

[LAUGHING]

- What time is it?

- We fell asleep!

That's L. Gardner.

He...she's driving away!

Now's our chance. - For what?

- If we cut through Breyer's Field,

we can head him or her off at Johnnycake Ridge.

- George, it's 7 in the morning.

- Hurry up! L's getting away!

- This is the stupidest...

- Hello?

Hello?

Does anybody ever work in this town?

I should have just listened to my travel agent

and gone to Jamaica!

Some vacation!

[APPLAUSE]

- I want to go back To my little grass shack

- In Kealakekua - Hawaii

- Where the huma-huma-nooga Ah-poo-ah-go go swimming by

Take it, Dick.

- Where the ooo--oolie ow... Owwee appa-ooey

Go swimming

- By-y-y-y-y

[APPLAUSE]

- Meow.