Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- [CHUCKLES] Dad, don't be silly!

You're not going to stay at a hotel.

You're going to stay here with us.

Besides, this is a hotel.

You're my father.

I mean, automatically that--that qualifies you

for a-a 30% reduction in the rate.

See you soon. Bye.

My dad's flying up from Florida,

and he's going to spend a week with us.

- Well, that's wonderful!

You'll finally get to show him the inn.

- And--and that's not all.

He's never been to--to this part of the country before.

I mean, and what could be more beautiful

than Ver-Vermont in the winter.

- Rio...St. Moritz...

Barbados...Acapulco.

- If you're interested in a little trip, Stephanie,

why don't we fly upstairs and clean Room 2?

Then maybe a quick jaunt to Room 3,

and then perhaps a junket...

- I see where you're going with this, Joanna,

and I think you're very cruel.

Say, Dick, your father never had a daughter, did he?

- N-no, I would have noticed.

- That's a shame, because fathers truly live

to lavish gifts on their daughters.

Say, I have an idea-- - Stephanie, aren't you--

aren't you keeping your tour guide waiting?

- [SIGHS] Try to bring a little sunshine

into an old man's life...

- Let's do Dick.

Dick, dick, bo-bick, banana, fana, fo-fick...

Me, my, mo-mick...Dick.

- Hi, Michael. - Let's do Stephie!

- Let's not!

What are you here for? - Great news.

It took a little hustle, it took a little muscle,

but I managed to snare Ned Milmore

for an encore appearance on next week's show.

- Isn't he the guy that collects rocks

that resemble famous people's heads?

- The one and only.

Iris in on a snap of his latest.

- Well, they're-- they're certainly rocks.

- Don't you recognize them? It's the Jackson 5!

All in feldspar.

Of course you really have to squint to make out Tito.

- Forget it, Michael.

Uh, weren't you trying to get that, uh,

that pitcher who used to be with the Yankees?

You know, the one that threw the--the greaseball...

um, Mulberry. Duke--Duke Mulberry.

- Oh, yeah. The Duke of Oil.

He's, uh, he's on the yak-yak circuit pushing his book.

- Well, my--my dad is coming to town,

and he used to be a big fan of the Duke's.

Why don't you use some of your hustle and muscle to get him?

- All right, but you tell Ned Milmore he's been axed.

Don't be surprised if he throws his Emilio Estevez

through your window.

- Well, let me, uh, show you the rest of the inn.

- Uh, I think I'd like to sit a minute first.

I'm a little jetlagged.

- Dad, there-there's no time difference

between Florida and Vermont.

- That's right.

I'm not good at longitude and latitude like you, Richie.

- Hey, Joanna. Knock, knock.

- Excuse me?

- Knock, knock.

- Ah.

Who's there?

- Sarasota.

- Sarasota who?

- Sarasota in the fridge?

- [LAUGHS] Oh, I get it!

- Yeah, no--no one tells a knock-knock like--like Dad.

- Thanks, but I am serious about the soda.

- Oh, uh, all right.

- Oh, this must be your father!

- Dad, this is our maid, Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Aren't you a pretty little thing!

- Well, I could be even prettier

if my wardrobe wasn't so limited.

So sorry to hear you never had a daughter!

- Well, Richie was like a son and daughter to us.

- Well, who have we here?

- This is Richie's dad.

- Well, when's your dad coming, Dick?

- This is my dad. I-I'm Richie.

- Oh. George Utley.

- Bill Loudon.

Nice head of hair.

- Gee, thanks.

- Dad was--Dad was a barber.

- Over 40 years.

Richie, who does he remind you of?

- I-I don't know.

- Oh, you know who I'm thinking of,

from the old neighborhood.

The Perkins kid with the sandy hair.

- San-Sandy Perkins?

- That's it.

- You might think that it'd be tough

working for a local celebrity, but it's not.

Dick's a good boss and a lovely man.

- Well, I thought that you might want to see some of the town.

There's the, uh... there's the, uh,

woolen mill, uh, the town square,

and I think I can get a tour of the--of the cheese factory.

- Well, maybe later.

- And I'd like to show you some of our better department stores.

- Hola, hombres and hombrellas.

- Michael, come and meet Mr. Loudon.

- Greetings, dad o' Dick.

Michael Harris.

- Bill Loudon.

Say, I bet that blow-dries well.

- Except for a slight cowlick.

I try to control it with various gels,

but I'm at my wit's end.

- Maybe I can help. - Could you?

What a wise and wonderful man.

Dick, were you adopted?

- Are you here for a reason, Michael?

- Oh, right. Well, after a little string pulling,

I managed to lock in Duke Mulberry.

- Oh, Dad, did you hear that?

Duke Mulberry is going to be on my show.

- Who?

- From--from the Yankees.

- Oh, yeah. I think I do remember him.

You know who I really liked?

That pitcher, the tall, skinny guy with the white hair.

- Whi-Whitey Ford?

- Bill, did Dick tell you that we're having dinner tonight

at the Drum and Musket?

He just happened to mention the restaurant

about eight times on his show,

and got us the booth by the cannon at 7:30.

- Whoa, major coup, Dickster.

That table's usually reserved for heavy metal groups

and those DAR babes.

- Not uh, not bad, hey, Dad?

- Well, you kids go along and have a good time.

I-I just got comfortable.

[APPLAUSE]

Who--who are you guys?

- Gosh, no one ever asked us before.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Well, nice to meet you. I'm Bill Loudon.

- We surmised as much.

Forgive us for not callin' on you sooner,

but we spent the past two days

out gathering nuts for the winter.

Darryl's cheeks are still smarting.

- We don't have winters like this in Florida.

You ought to move down there, boys.

Save some wear and tear on your cheeks.

- Florida?

Isn't that the home of the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater?

- Sure is!

- Hmmm, mighty temptin', huh, Darryl?

I said, "Huh, Darryl?"

Okay. Out with it.

Yep, an acorn.

You've been hoarding, Darryl.

You violated the code of the woods.

Just for that, no crème brulee for a week.

- Re-ready to go, Dad?

- Uh, go where?

- Uh, uh, fishing.

- It's awfully cold for fishing.

It's warmer in here.

- Well, I-I can turn on the heater in the car,

and we could take that drive through the covered bridge.

- Richie, if you don't mind,

I'd like to sit off that big breakfast.

- Dad, ha-half the week is gone already,

and--and we haven't done anything.

At least the cheese factory.

- Great. Great. After I've had my nap.

- Yeah. You'll want to nap after sitting off that big breakfast.

- I thought you were going fishing with your dad?

- No, only if they bring the lake into the lobby.

All he wants to do is sit.

I mean, the--the whole time he's been here,

we--we haven't done one single father-son thing.

- Well, what do you want him to do,

teach you to ride a bike?

- We could review it.

Joanna, when I was-- when I was growing up,

I wasn't really what... what you'd call a-a fun kid.

I was kind of...low-key.

- Not you, Dick!

- Oh, yeah.

My dad as always asking me to go out

and play football with him or go hiking,

but I mean, it--it just... it didn't interest me.

I'd rather stay in my room and take things apart

and see what makes them tick.

For instance, did--did you ever wonder

how a three-way lightbulb works?

- It has three separate filaments, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

Anyway, after turning my dad down for so many times,

he stopped asking.

So when he--he wanted to do a father-son thing,

he'd call my best friend Rusty.

- Don't tell me... he had red hair.

- No, he kept stepping on nails.

- Okay. So you robbed your father

of a few childhood memories.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- Joanna, I'm going to go out there

and have fun with my dad even if it kills me.

Uh, Dad, wa-wake up.

- Oh, hi, Richie.

- Come on, we're going to go out

and throw the old horsehide around.

- Horsehide. I-I haven't heard that word

since Rusty went into the service.

- I-I don't want to hear about Rusty.

Come on, we-we'll play catch.

- Well, there's snow on the ground.

- That won't stop us!

- You married quite an athlete.

- Come on. Let's kick some butt!

- What's going on?

- Dick and his dad are throwing the old horsehide around.

- Why?

- I think it has something to do with male bonding.

- Ewww!

Isn't that where men snap towels at each other's behinds

and pretend they're superior to us?

- Yes!

- [GASP]

- Dad, I-I-I'm so sorry.

- What happened?

- I was just swinging into the drive

when I saw Dick bounce a wicked knuckleball

off his dad's head.

- Are you sure you're all right, Dad?

- I don't know why they call them softballs.

- Come on. I'll take you up to your room.

- No, I'll be all right.

I'm a toughie.

Just let me sit awhile.

- Bill, what do you think of this blouse?

- It's nice,

but I like the first one you showed me better.

- Oh, and look, here's an 800 number.

A person can shop without even having to leave his sofa.

- What a world!

First we put a man on the moon...

- You, uh, you--you ready?

- Uh, ready for what?

- To, uh, to--to go to my show.

- Well, I'm not sure I'm up to it

after yesterday's excitement.

- Dad--Dad, we're talking Duke Mulberry.

I-I mean, you--you won't want to miss that.

- I wouldn't dream of missing it.

- Usual place for the TV, Bill?

- Ah, you read me like a book, George.

- Who wants homemade coffee cake?

- You married quite a little hostess, Richie.

- You mean, you're all going to watch Vermont Today from here?

- Well, sure. It's more like a TV show this way.

- Gee, Dick, you're cutting it close.

- Yeah, I guess I should get to the studio.

- Yeah, get a move on.

How can we watch you if you're standing here in the room?

- In 4, 3, 2...

ANNOUNCER: And now it's Vermont Today

starring Dick Loudon.

- Hi there. Our guest today is baseball great Duke Mulberry,

who's just written a best-selling book

about his life in the majors,

"Hey, Duke."

It's a--it's a thrill to have you on our show.

- Thank you, Dick.

- Hey, Duke...

How did they ever come up with the title " Hey, Duke" ?

- Well, one time,

during my years sittin' in the dugout,

the coach said, "Hey, Duke, the phone."

I never forgot it.

- That's nice.

That's...that's fascinating.

Let's, um...let's go back to 1954,

the White Sox, bottom of the ninth.

Yankees up by 3, two outs, bases loaded,

and you pitched the greaseball

that was smashed right out of the park.

What-what were you thinking at that moment, Duke?

- Beats me.

That's 34 years ago.

- But--but the owner of the team

rushed out of the dugout and chased you around the field

with a bat.

- I'm still drawin' a blank, Dick.

You know who'd remember that?

My boy, Little Duke.

He's right over there.

Hey, could we bring him up here?

Huh?

- Uh, sh-sure.

- Hey, son. - Hey, Dad.

[EXCITED LAUGH]

- Nice--nice to have you on the show, Duke, Jr.

- Little Duke, Dick.

- You know, Dick,

Little Duke and I aren't just father and son.

You know, we're buddies, too.

We do everything together.

- Hey, I never took you on any dates.

- Hey, watch it there. I can still take you on.

- Oh, I don't know, Dad, I'm getting' pretty big!

- Oh, yeah?

Oh! I give! I give!

You know, that'll teach the boy, huh, Dick?

- Getting...getting back to your book...

- That's a great idea.

Now there's the cutest story in here about Little Duke.

What page, son?

The one with you and I takin' a bath together.

- Oh, don't show him that!

I'll tell you, this guy,

he is always givin' me the business.

[CHUCKLES]

- This--this is an act, right?

You--you two aren't... aren't really that close.

- Hey, I love this little palooka, huh!

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Well, I-I'm sure there must have been times

when you-you've had your differences.

- Me and Dad?

- Well now, hold on, son.

There was that one little tussle, remember?

About who loved who more?

- Oh, yeah.

- You took baths together?

ANNOUNCER: We'll have more Vermont Today

after these words.

We're out.

- Michael, Michael. Is this a put-on?

N-No father and son in history have had that much fun together.

- Dick, not every son's idea of fun

is burning a softball into his dad's skull.

- Wha--don't you...

don't you find that affection grating?

- Dick, this is one of America's most beloved families.

What are you going to do for an encore,

pummel the Van Pattens?

ANNOUNCER: Back in 5, 4, 3...

- Dick, please!

- Hey, Dukes.

Let's cut the crap.

[APPLAUSE]

- There you go, young man.

- Very collegiate.

Usually we just stick his head in the freezer

and snap off the ends.

- Okay, there's your lollipop.

Oh, there's one for you, too.

- Much obliged.

Let's go, Darryl.

- Oh, one more thing.

If you want to give it more fullness,

you may want to rub a little mousse through it.

- It won't hurt, Darryl.

The baby ones don't have antlers.

- Oh, hi, Richie.

I still got the touch.

- Well, I-I have something for you.

- We're not going to have to play catch again, are we?

- No.

- Hey, Duke Mulberry's autograph.

He signed it twice?

- Duke wouldn't sign it unless Little Duke signed it, too.

- Thanks.

That was quite a show.

Did you really think it was necessary

to make Little Duke cry?

- I guess--I guess I got a little crazy.

- Well, I don't blame them for walking off like that,

but it was pretty impressive to see a man Duke's age

carry a full-grown man on his shoulders.

- Well, you know, some fathers have fun with their sons.

- Well, we had fun. We played a little catch.

I enjoyed every second of it

until I blacked out and fell in the driveway.

Now don't give me that face.

I've had a great time.

- When? You--you never got off the sofa.

- That's just it.

I didn't have to go out and see the town;

the town came to see me.

I got to meet a lot of your friends.

I told a joke or two, gave a haircut.

I even got to charge a blouse over the phone.

- Well, I just... I just thought, you know,

you'd have more fun if you stood.

- I stood for 40 years. It's nice to sit.

Besides, your mother runs me ragged in Sarasota.

- Yeah, but I-I mean, I had all kinds of things planned.

- Richie, you don't have to go

running around a cheese factory to have a good time.

You don't know how comfortable this sofa can be.

Come here. Sit down next to me.

- Um, it is-- it is kind of comfy.

- Oh, yeah.

- And--and you're sure you've had a good time?

- Oh, it's even better now.

Ow!

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.