Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- [GIGGLES] Can you believe we did that?

- Oh, do you remember that sit-in

in front of the ROTC building?

- Oh, hard to believe we were so political back then!

- Political? Us?

We just wanted to meet those cute cadets. [GIGGLES]

- You're right. - [GIGGLES]

Oh, Wanda, it's so good to see you after all these years!

- Here's to good friends.

[GLASSES CLINK]

- Tonight is-is something special.

- It is so nice to relax with old pals.

My life is such a whirlwind these days.

Have I told you why?

- Yes, but it-it bears repeating.

- I finally had the guts to leave my marriage.

- I just don't understand it.

I thought you and Martin were so happy.

- We were stagnating.

There were no new discoveries to make.

We'd sit across the breakfast table,

and there'd be these long, lingering silences.

- Still, it's a shame after such a long marriage.

- Oh, Joanna, believe me.

You and I both have what we want.

I have an exciting new life, a fabulous career,

and you've got Dick.

- Yes, and we're very happy.

- Of course you are!

How long you kids been married now?

- 18 years.

- 18 beautiful years.

- Well, I've got another whirlwind day tomorrow.

[GIGGLES]

'Night, sweetie. - Good night.

- You know, it's just amazing

that you two have managed to stay together.

- Well, when you've got a good thing going.

Right, honey?

- Huh?

- Tell Rhonda good night.

- Oh, oh. Good night. Good night, Rhonda.

- Sleep tight, lovers.

[GIGGLES]

- You know, Dick, I think she kind of envies us.

- Right. - Uh-hm.

- Good night, honey. I'll see you in the morning.

- Miss! Miss!

- I'm busy.

- But my eggs are ice cold. - Then don't eat them.

[SIGHS]

- Dick, we still have plenty to discover about each other,

don't we?

- Sure.

- Then go ahead.

Ask me something you've always wanted to know about me.

- Well, uh, you know, nothing-- nothing springs to mind, but...

I'm sure...I'm sure something will come up.

Hopefully soon.

- 'Morning, Dick, Joanna.

- Hi, George.

- I just got back from taking Rhonda to the train station.

Am I glad she finally had the guts to leave Martin.

- Why's that?

- Dick, she was stagnating.

Now, every day of her life is a whirlwind.

- I had no idea.

- I guess some of us just aren't meant to be married...

and others are.

Dick, Joanna, how long has it been?

- 18 years.

- 18 beautiful years.

Would you pass the cream?

- You didn't say that with much enthusiasm.

- [EXCITEDLY] Pass the cream.

- I meant the 18 years part.

- Here, Dick.

- Thanks, George.

- Cupcake roll call.

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Here! [GIGGLES]

- All set, Steph?

We're going shopping for matching ski togs.

Don't you think we'll be the cutest couple

ever seen shushing?

- Oh! - Hot plate.

- Michael, we're not going anywhere

until I see that baby picture you promised me for my locket.

- Voila!

- [SIGHS] This will never do.

I'm not putting an adorable baby picture of me

next to one of you in a foreign legion hat.

- But, Steph!

- Michael, I've never seen a picture of you as a little boy

without something stupid on your head.

- I'm sorry, Steph.

I know what you must be going through.

- Do you? Do you really? I think not.

- Well, here's something I've never told you.

I was a cesarean baby.

- I know that.

Let it go, Joanna.

- Who would've guessed!

- I'm sorry about your childhood trauma, JoJo,

but I need to confab with Dick about some urgent show stuff.

Can we, uh, can we kibitz, compadre?

- Must be urgent.

You're mixing Spanish with Yiddish.

- Tell me, Joanna, was it painful?

- What's the problem, Michael?

- This has nothing to do with the show, Dick.

It's something painfully personal.

You see, I once...

this should spare us both the agony.

[LAUGHS]

- Is this you as a kid?

[LAUGHS]

You must have been a great listener

because you were all ears!

[LAUGHS]

- Yank those yuks, Dick.

You have no idea the torment I went through as a child.

Every day I'd hear the same taunt:

"Hey, beagle boy,

does a doctor have to examine your ears

with a headlight?"

Not everyone was as nice as my mom.

When I got to school,

that's when the hell really began.

- Well, kids can be cruel.

- Their chant still haunts me.

"Michael, Michael, ears so wide,

looks like pancakes side by side."

I tried to run and hide, but it was useless.

I was always within earshot, even from five blocks away.

- Well, you-you grew into your ears.

- No, Dick, I got professional help.

I had them trimmed and pinned when I was 11.

- So what-what's the problem?

- Steph wants a snap of me as a child.

I can't let her see me looking like Alfred E. Newman!

- Michael, no one is going to change their opinion of someone

because of the way they looked at six.

- They aren't?

- No!

Besides, I mean, everyone wants to improve their appearance.

As a matter of fact, when I was younger,

I-I-I had a wart removed.

- That's disgusting! Does Joanna know?

- I don't think so.

- And you've been sitting on this wart thing all this time?

- Michael, an old photograph isn't going to change the way

Stephanie feels about you.

- Dick, I've been living a lie.

I've been passing as a small-eared man.

- Okay, Michael, let's shop.

- Oh, right.

- Michael, isn't there something that you want to show Stephanie?

- Gee, Dick, now?

- Oh, what is it?

- [NERVOUSLY] Well, the thing is, Cuppers, I, uh...

I-I do have a hatless headshot.

I didn't want to show it to you, but...

Dr. Dick gave me a dose of reassurance.

- Who is this?

- It's me.

- No, really.

- It's me. I swear.

I'm the guy attached to Babar's ears.

That pachydermal punim is mine.

- Michael, this isn't funny.

- But it's true!

- Ugh!

Our-our children will be hideously grotesque!

- Oh, muffin! Thanks a lot, Dick.

- They'll look like cartoon elephants!

A gust of wind will come up and carry them away!

- We can anchor them down!

- Dick? - Yeah, honey.

- I think we should discuss our relationship.

- [SIGHS]

What's, uh, what's to discuss? It couldn't be better.

- You honestly don't see a problem?

- No, but I have a feeling I will.

- We've stopped growing. We're...stagnating.

- Well, we weren't stagnating

until your friend Rhonda showed up.

- Dick, this has been our life for the last seven years.

We get up, eat breakfast, putter around, eat lunch,

putter some more, eat dinner, putter a little, go to bed.

- You make that almost sound dull.

- It is!

- We're eating! We're puttering!

- Well, I'm sick of eating. I'm sick of puttering,

and I'm starting to get just a little sick of us.

- Joanna!

- Sounds like the end of 18 beautiful years, Dick.

[APPLAUSE]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What is it?

- Well, we understand that after 18 beautiful years,

you are connubially kaput.

- Where did-- where did you hear that?

- The whole town is buzzing...

and layin' odds on who will be the next Mrs. Loudon.

I went with my gut

and put a ten on that chunky number

who works at the gas station.

Anyway, on the off chance that you two can salvage

this sad excuse for a marriage,

we'd like to suggest something we've found helpful...

therapy.

- You were in therapy?

- Actually primal scream,

something Darryl particularly excels in.

- [DEEP INHALE]

- Darryl, please.

There may be stemware in the room.

- Thanks-thanks for the concern, guys,

but, uh, we aren't having a problem.

And if, and if we were, uh,

I'm not a big believer in psychology.

- Well, it did wonders for Darryl's sibling rivalry.

Looks like regression to me.

Come on, Darryl.

We better have Dr. Pinsky hook you up

to that electric machine again.

[APPLAUSE]

- Dick...

- Joanna, no, I am not going into therapy.

- Well, it's something to consider.

Larry could be right.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it also Larry

who said if you held a trout up to your ear,

you could hear the ocean?

- To be fair, Dick, you never tried that either.

- Look, honey, I know you think we're having problems,

but there must be some recourse other than therapy and trout.

- I see I'm getting nowhere.

If you don't want to do the simplest thing to help us, fine.

I would never force you to do something

that you are so vehemently against.

- Wednesday good for you?

- Doc--Dr. Mary Kaiser? That sounds like a woman!

- Dick, just relax. Everything's going to be fine.

[DOOR OPENS]

- I'll see you next Wednesday, Dr. Kaiser.

[APPLAUSE]

What are you staring at?

- I-I-I'm sorry. You look-you look so...

- What's this, Kaiser? Another one of your nutcases?

- There's something about-about your face.

- I'm not too crazy about yours either.

- Have-haven't we...

- I'd love to stay around here

and listen to you stutter all night,

but I have a life to live.

Psycho!

[APPLAUSE]

- Hi. I'm Mary Kaiser.

- I'm Joanna, and this is Dick.

- Nice to meet you.

You'll have to excuse my last patient.

It's taken me years to undo the damage that was done to him

by some quack in Chicago.

Go on in.

The rest of the group should be here shortly.

- When I agreed to do this,

you didn't say anything about a semicircle.

- Dick!

- Dammit, Tish.

You didn't have to go and slam my finger

in the damn door of the damn pickup!

- Well, I wouldn't if you'd at least try to help me get out!

Now, I'm pregnant, or couldn't you tell?

- Dick, Joanna... Tommy Lee and Tish.

- Hi.

- Have to shake leftie. Fool woman's out to cripple me.

- Welcome to couples' group.

Another couple may be joining us,

but let's just get started.

Since you're all new to group,

I think it's important to stress that we should all be

completely open with each other.

- I'm not opening up to them.

- Now then, Tommy Lee and Tish,

why don't you tell us why you're here.

- To be honest, our marriage has stopped growing.

- You see, we have a lot in common.

- Tish is a cow.

On top of which she gambles away my paychecks on the dog races.

- Two peas in a pod.

- Paycheck! You suck back your paycheck

when you can keep a job long enough to get one!

- Huh!

Tommy Lee, how does that make you feel?

- Well, it hurts, Dr. Kaiser.

So much so I wanna take a handful of beer nuts

and throw 'em in her fat face!

- You try it!

- I want to go home now.

- Dick, was there something you wanted to share?

- Uh, just that, uh...

I-I-I don't think we should be hearing this.

- I think what's making you feel uncomfortable, Dick,

is that Tish and Tommy Lee are expressing honest emotions.

Honesty, Dick, is what this group is all about.

- So-sorry we're late, Dr. Kaiser.

- Well, look who's back. Chuck and Dawn.

- Chuck and Dawn?

- What are Dick and Joanna doing here?

- Please take your seats.

- What is it, Dick? That wart thing?

- No!

- So, what did we miss?

- Dr. Kaiser was just explaining

the importance of being honest...

Dawn.

- Chuck and Dawn, you already seem to know Dick and Joanna.

- You used your real names? Aren't you ashamed?

- Yes.

- And this is Tommy Lee and Tish.

- Ever seen the inside of a mobile home, chicky?

- At this time, what do you two see

as your greatest difficulty?

- Our boy...Harold.

Last week he shot a hole right through our neighbor.

- Kid's got a lot of anger in him.

- Are they gonna talk all night? Some of us have real problems.

- Well, Dawn, as I recall, the last time you two were here,

your problems seemed rather trivial and foolish.

- Well, that was then.

This time it's... all too real.

- Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?

- Chuck had big ears as a child!

- Our neighbor had big ears.

- Still has one! [CHUCKLES]

- I-I think that it's time that we got back to an adult.

Dick, tell us why you came to group.

- Joanna made me.

- Dr. Kaiser, I think what Dick meant to say is

we're stagnating.

Our marriage should be more of a...

what is the word... a whirlwind.

There's a certain sameness about our life together.

- Well, what do you want? Excitement or Dick?

- [HYSTERICAL LAUGH] Good one!

- You know, I am beginning to see a common thread here.

And I think it can be summed up in a simple phrase:

"Nobody's perfect."

Which is why we all have to learn

to accept each other exactly the way we are.

- Well, obviously you don't run the risk

of having a big-eared child.

- No, I don't, but if you had one, Dawn,

wouldn't you still love and accept it?

- Well, of course,

but do you think it's healthy for a child to see his parents

burst into tears every time he walks in the room?

- All right, if it's such a big deal,

get the kid's ears fixed.

- Plastic surgery?

- Yes!

- Well, that's what I've been saying, Dawn.

- Yeah, I know, Chuck, but you're biased.

You were one of them.

Now, somehow coming from a normal-eared professional,

it all makes sense.

- Then we are cured. [GIGGLES]

- Thank God, Chuck!

- Oh, Dr. K., you're a whiz!

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, Dawn, let's blow this popsicle stand.

- Oh, Chuck, our nightmare is finally over!

- Wa-wait a minute.

They...they get to leave?

- Uh-huh.

- And they're cured?

- They seem to think so.

- You know, doll, I feel ashamed

for gripin' about our petty problems.

- Oh, baby, we got a good life.

- Well, Joanna, you've told us all about your life with Dick.

- That, uh...seems to have cleared the room.

- Tell us how you'd envision a life

if you weren't married to Dick.

- A life without Dick?

- Yes. For instance, where would you live?

- Well, I certainly wouldn't want to leave the area.

Dick and I love it here.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh! Dick is out of the picture.

Only you now.

- Right. Okay.

Well, I suppose I'd get a little house nearby.

I mean, Dick and I have made so many friends...

- Uh-uh, uh-uh!

- I've made so many friends.

Hmmm.

Then maybe I'd start a little business.

I mean, after seven years of running an inn,

Dick and I have gotten so good at...

I've gotten so...

- Yes, Joanna.

- Ah, it's just so hard to envision my life without Dick.

Besides, I'd...I'd miss him.

- Perhaps your marriage isn't so much stagnant

as it is comfortable.

- Comfortable?

All this time we've been comfortable?

- And it only cost us 80 bucks to find out.

- I know this evening has been emotionally draining

for the both of you,

so I want you to feel free to sit here awhile

and reflect on all the breakthroughs that we've made.

Good night.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

- Well, I'll start up the car.

- Dick.

Oh, baby, we've got a good life, too.

- You bet!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.