Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Boy, Joanna makes the best roast turkey.

Am I stuffed!

- George, that was a 24-pound bird.

I mean, you-you polished off almost 23 pounds!

Joanna said that should feed us for a week.

- Oh, when does Joanna get back from her reunion?

- In a week.

- Oh, maybe I should have left some of the mashed potatoes.

- There were mashed potatoes?

[PHONE RINGS]

I-I'll get it, George. I want to walk off my dinner.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Stratford Inn.

I-I'm sorry. I can't understand you.

Take-take it easy, ma'am.

You're-you're crying hysterically.

Michael?

What-what's wrong?

A-all right.

I'll get over there as soon as I can.

And I promise I won't tell anyone you cry like a woman.

Michael's at the hospital. Stephanie is in Emergency.

- Oh, no!

- All right, George.

You stay here and watch the inn and stay out of the kitchen.

- Steph?

- [SIGHS] Michael. Is that you?

- Oh, Cuppers, you can talk.

- Michael, they removed her appendix, not her tongue.

How-how are you feeling, Steph?

- That depends. How do I look?

- Like a pretty little piece of post-op pastry.

- I feel fine.

- Well, you really gave us quite a scare last night.

Usually when you say "Ewwww" in a restaurant,

it's because they've sat us next to an unattractive couple.

But when you started clutching your side

and rolling on the tile,

I knew it was brought on by physical pain

and not the sight of that twosome

sharing the same ear of corn.

- [SIGHS] Oh, gee.

I must have been really out of it.

All I can remember is some hysterical woman crying

and screaming and running through the hospital.

- She's, uh, she's been sedated.

- You've both been here all night?

- Yeah, we were waiting for you to wake up.

- So you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday?

- Steph, you know I always carry a change in the Turbo-Z.

- Oh, that's right.

Dick?

- I-I'm sorry. I forgot.

I feel so...dirty.

- Michael, I'm bored. I'd like to go home now.

- No can do, sweetcakes. You've just had major surgery.

- So?

- Steph, I'm sure that your doctors would appreciate,

you know, your hanging around for a while so...

so that they can make sure that the incision heals properly.

- Incision? They cut me?

- They-they-they had to.

An appendix isn't the kind of thing that you can...

suck out.

- You mean, I'm scarred for life?

- Well...yeah.

- [CRYING] Oh!

- Aw, Steph, I'm sure it won't be bad.

It'll be a cute scar.

I mean, you had "a-cute appendicitis."

- Promise me you won't abandon me

and run off with someone unscarred.

- You can just doggy bag those doubts.

You'll always remain my one and only muffin,

albeit a sliced muffin.

- I don't think you realize what a lucky young lady you are.

- Were there... there were complications?

- Well, it's pretty unusual to give a transfusion

after an appendectomy.

- You put blood in me?

- Fortunately, Little Miss Rare Blood Type,

we had some saved AB negative on hand.

Your daughter is a pip.

- Oh, she-she's not my, uh...

- I'm tired of all this yucky blood and scar talk.

Shouldn't my room be filled with fresh flowers

and tasteful get-well gifts?

- Look what the florist left on the porch.

- That's-that's quite an arrangement.

- Yeah, and how.

- "To our darling, darling Stephanie.

"We miss you. We love you.

"We cherish you. Get well soon."

- Must have set her parents back a pretty penny.

- Oh, it's not from the Vanderkellens.

It's from all the girls at the Clinique counter

at Peck's Department Store.

Is Stephanie home from the hospital?

- Michael's picking her up. Where were you all night?

- Well, Stephanie's appendicitis got me to thinking

I'm way overdue for a physical.

So I went to see old Doc Winslow.

- What-what'd he say?

- Nothing really. It seems he died 23 years ago.

Anyway, his son, Old Doc Winslow Junior,

he examined me and said I was in tip-top shape.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- He also said I had a little cholesterol problem,

but I don't know whether I believe any doctor

who's barely out of his 50s.

- Well, kids are taking over.

- He said to be on the safe side,

I should get more exercise

and stop burning my candle at both ends.

- George, I've never known you to burn your candle at one end.

- I guess you missed last year's Hell Night at the Beaver Lodge.

I was wasted, Dick.

- Direct from her side-splitting

week-long stint in the recovery room,

Michael Harris is tickled to present Miss Stephanie

"I've Lost 2-1/2 Pounds Eating Hospital Food" Vanderkellen.

[APPLAUSE]

- You know, Stephanie,

I'm actually surprised I'm saying this,

but things haven't been the same around here...

- That's good, Dick. Are those flowers for me?

- Yeah, they just arrived.

They're from your friends at the Clinique counter at Peck's.

- Oh!

Nothing from the Estee Lauder counter?

[BELL RINGS]

- Gee, nice bell.

- It's sterling.

It's a get-well gift from Michael.

- I figured that while Steph is in a recoup mode,

she could just ring her dinger.

So you could drop whatever silly things you do around here

and scoot to my beauty's bedside.

- Isn't he thoughtful?

- How long will you be recouping?

- Well, the doctor said seven to ten days,

but I plan on a good month.

- You don't think 10 days is long enough?

- Well, Dick, I'm fragile and petite.

I'm not from hardy peasant stock like Joanna.

Michael, I'm fatigued from my homecoming.

To my room, please.

- Steph.

- Oh, I forgot.

[BELL RINGS]

- I didn't know Joanna was from hardy peasant stock.

- You never saw her pull a plow.

- There. I've positioned the floribunda

in descending order of lavishness

with the beaucoup bucks bouquets

within sniffing distance dribbling down

to those in the corner with dubious eye appeal.

- Oh, that's lovely, Michael,

but I didn't see Dick and Joanna's.

- I hid them under your sink.

- Well, I'm ready to convalesce.

Hi, Dick. Are those the magazines

I requested?

- I got Vogue, Mademoiselle, Glamour, Bazaar and Cosmo.

- Oooh! Prettier than her.

Prettier than her.

Than her.

Than her.

Michael?

- Oh, prettier than her.

- I-I do the same thing with GQ.

- I went to that gourmet ice cream parlor

clear over in Tyville

and got a quart of hand-packed french vanilla almond.

- Oh, my very favorite!

- I know. That's why I didn't mind driving

46 miles on bald tires to get it.

- Well, where's their special hot fudge sauce?

- [SIGHS] Well, I guess if I leave now

I can be back from Tyville by dark.

- I'll, uh, I'll put this in the freezer,

and then you let me know if you need me.

[BELL RINGS]

What-what is it, Steph?

- Nothing. I just had this urge to exert some power.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Me and Darryl picked up a little somethin' for you.

- Oh-h, and it's still wet.

- Funny, it wasn't when we put it in there.

- I'll, uh, I'll stick these with Dick and Joanna's flowers.

- To be perfectly candid with you, Miss Stephanie,

that was a replacement gift.

We'd gotten you a real elegant item,

but it slithered out of Darryl's grip

on the way over here.

- Some-some gifts are just meant--

meant to run free.

- I hope you're puttin' Darryl's gift to good use.

- Oh, I don't remember getting anything from you.

It's not that putrid brocade pillow, is it?

- No, that's from Dick and Joanna, too.

- Well, actually-actually it's more from Joanna than-than...

- So, what did Darryl give me?

- Well, remember last week when you were stricken?

- Yes. - And you went to the hospital?

- Yes.

- And you had an operation?

- Yes!

- Well, right now, you've got a fresh pint

of Darryl's very own personal blood.

[APPLAUSE]

Coursing through your veins. Cool gift, huh?

- Michael, I'm not happy. Do something!

- There's a large leap in logic here, Larry.

Just because Darryl is a donor

doesn't mean his particular plasma

is pumping through Steffie's petite capillaries.

- Sure it does.

They're the town's only AB negatives.

See, Darryl likes to drop by the hospital

and visit his blood once a week.

His schedule permitting.

And I know he won't mind my saying

that he nearly swallowed his cud when he learned

that some of his own vital fluids

are whizzing through Miss Stephanie's firm body.

- Michael! I'm polluted!

Ewwww!

- Be-be brave, Steph.

I'll-I'll be by your side through this horrible ordeal

even if it does make my flesh crawl!

- Stephanie, you're making this much worse than it is.

- [SOBS] I am not! My blood's not blue anymore!

- Well, I'm glad our little get-well gift slithered away.

Although I admit it would have looked charming

coiled around Miss Stephanie's headboard.

- So any- anyone for ice cream?

- Nothing like a steaming bowl of oat bran, Dick.

- Yum!

- Is that a cheese omelet?

- Yes.

- Cheddar?

- Swiss.

- Oh.

Uh, three-egg omelet or four?

- I-I used four.

- Cooked in butter? - Yes!

George, if this is too hard on you,

I can eat in the kitchen.

- No, no, Dick. I don't want to put you out.

As your friend, I'm happy

you have a low cholesterol count...

and can stuff your face with anything.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this was my other brother Darryl.

- You have an 8x10 glossy of your brother?

- Well, there was a time back when

that Darryl had a short-lived

but lucrative career in modeling.

- I didn't know he was such a glamour boy.

- The miracle of proper backlighting and airbrushing.

- Well, where is Darryl?

- He's been gone all night. We searched everywhere.

Darryl even combed the local discotheques.

- I didn't know Darryl was a dancer.

- I-I knew he was a model.

- Darryl tends to trip the light fandango when he's bummed,

and I could tell Miss Stephanie

put him in one of his dancin' moods.

- I-I'm not apologizing for it, guys, but uh, I mean,

I-I'm sure that Miss Stephanie

never meant to offend Darryl intentionally.

I mean, the-the expression "Ewwww"

can be interpreted in any number of ways.

- Like how?

- Well, uh, like, "Ewwww, boy!"

- I'm appeased, but Darryl here gets the feelin'

that you're pullin' our collective chains.

- Well, believe me, guys,

that is something I would never do.

But I'm sure Miss Stephanie thinks of you as friends.

- Well, a real friend doesn't go around hurting another friend.

Come on, Darryl, let's get a move on.

There's got to be somewhere we haven't searched.

Good thinkin'! The pound!

- Poor Darryl. Out there somewhere alone.

Who knew he'd take it this hard?

- Just because he's a model doesn't mean he can't cry.

- Steph, you haven't eaten since yesterday.

You've got to nibble on something.

Try the french toast.

- I've lost all desire for food.

I have the blood of a woodsman running through me.

- Well, I hate to be a Gloomy Gus,

but if you don't get some nourishment,

you're going to become anemic and you'll need even more

of Darryl's blood... life juice.

Steph!

What's happening to you?

- [SCREAMS] Oh! Oh my God!

It's the Darryl coming out in me!

- Get a grip on yourself. Maybe you were just hungry.

- No, it's a side effect.

What if I start craving pre-chewed food?

- I'll still love you!

We'll just never dine out in public again.

- How's everything? - Ease up, Dick.

At least you don't attack your food

like some wild, demented animal.

Oh, no offence, pumpkin.

- Larry and Darryl were just here without...

without Darryl.

They're, uh, they're a little worried about him.

They haven't seen him since he...

ran out of here yesterday.

- If you're going to keep yelling at me like this,

you can just go away!

[BELL RINGS]

- I-I didn't think I was raising my voice.

[BELL RINGS]

I-I was just-just relaying some news.

- He's ignoring my bell. Make him stop!

- Quit tormenting her, Dick!

Can't you see my cupcake is crumbling?

- Darryl!

- Darryl, where have you been?

Your brothers have been worried about you.

Oh, you've been out gathering... leeches.

- Michael!

- Aren't they normally used in- in pagan blood-letting rituals?

- Uh, well that-that's very thoughtful, Darryl,

but I-I don't think Stephanie wants your blood

sucked out of her... by-by these little fellas.

- Get those icky, slimy things out of my room!

Oh, Darryl, wait!

No, I don't want the bucket. Give that to Dick.

- I'll, uh, I'll just... I'll just put these outside...

way, way at the end of the driveway.

- Michael, I would like to speak to Darryl alone.

- You sure, Steph? He's been at the bog.

- I'm sure.

[BELL RINGS]

Don't be afraid. I'm not going to bite you.

Sit down.

Not that close.

Thank you for the leeches.

They were repulsive, but the thought was there.

And I'm sorry about yesterday.

I really am.

I guess you thought I was pretty mean to you.

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

I had a lot of stuff going through my head.

I mean, the thought of your blood in me,

or anyone else's, made me just a little testy.

Is this making any sense?

Well, it should.

Okay.

Maybe I wasn't thinking about your feelings.

Maybe I was just thinking about myself.

You nodded pretty quickly on that one.

Darryl, I'm going to tell you something about myself

that not even Michael knows, but it can't leave this room.

There are times when I can be

just the tiniest bit self-centered.

No, really, it's true.

And this might have been one of those times.

I was rude to you, and I shouldn't have been.

I guess, in a way, you sort of saved my life.

Maybe one day, I can do something for you.

You want a muffin?

Uh, you have some crumbs there on the corner of your mouth.

Wait.

You want another one?

Here. Take the whole thing.

Wouldn't you be happier eating those at the bog?

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.