Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What can we do for you?

- That depends.

How do you two feel about the swamp?

- Well, we love it as much as the next guy.

- Then brace yourselves.

Some big-city developers want to fill it in.

- Well, I'm sorry, Larry.

I know how much you three enjoy that swamp,

especially during mosquito season.

- That swamp holds memories for us.

Darryl got his first kiss there.

Remember that bullfrog, Darryl?

- Well, there'll be other swamps,

other...frogs.

- We have a plan to save this swamp.

With enough cash, we can purchase it ourselves,

and we all know that the best way to raise cash

is through a walkathon.

- Well, that's, uh, that's the way

the major corporations do it.

- Now a walkathon needs two things:

People willing to walk

and people willing to pledge a dollar a mile.

We're willing to walk.

- Well then, then you're halfway there.

- Guys, we'd be happy to sponsor you.

- Thanks. We'll start walking now.

The swamp will survive!

When your grandkids want to play slip-n-slide in some algae,

you won't have to take them to a theme park.

[APPLAUSE]

- Well, it's only a dollar a mile.

- Well, I guess it's worth it just to see the smiles

on those algae-covered kids.

- Well, it's that time of year again.

- The new phone books are out?

- That too? Wow, when it rains, it pours.

- What are you talking about, George?

- What do you think?

The Ye Olde Apple Days Festival.

It seems like only yesterday when Great-great Grandpa Utley

hosted the first one back in 1816.

- I-I heard that Ye Olde Apple Days

is being discontinued.

- Who told you that?

- I-I'm not sure.

I just remember hearing talk about ending it

because some people found it excruciatingly...

uh, dull.

- Ye Olde Apple Days?

- Maybe-maybe I'm thinking of the Ice Capades.

- Well, we're back from the mall, all,

and we come bearing a bounty of riches.

- Uh, the bounty is for us.

I don't know if Michael made that clear.

- Hey, are you two going to the town meeting tonight?

I'll be talking about Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Oh, I'd love to, George,

but I think Steph and I are going to stay in tonight

and take a finger trip through the new Neiman's catalog.

- Uh, Michael.

I want to go.

Don't you remember the last town meeting?

- Yeah, we sat in the back and...

made fun of what everybody was wearing.

Wouldn't miss it, George.

- Great!

- And George, would you please wear those bright green pants?

You know, the ones that show off your ankles.

- Sure.

- And Dick, you can just wear what you have on.

[MICHAEL CHUCKLES]

- Okay, all in favor of Annette Gordon

being in charge of refreshments

for future town meetings, raise your hand.

All opposed.

You're in. The citizens have spoken.

- Boy, that certainly wasn't the slugfest I expected.

- George, I believe you have the next order of business.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

- Please hold your giggling until everyone has spoken.

- Well, as everybody knows, the Utley family

has been in charge of organizing Ye Olde Apple Days.

[LOW MURMUR]

- Quiet down!

George, didn't we put a stop to that thing?

- No!

- Make a note. Let's put a stop to that thing.

- I thought everyone liked Ye Olde Apple Days.

[CROWD MURMURING AGAIN]

- Maybe you should give George some support.

- I-I think he's doing fine.

[GIGGLES]

- The chair recognizes Dick Loudon.

- Uh, thank you.

I-I know this event isn't as exciting as it used to be.

There is a certain sameness to it year after...

year after year.

And it has lost some of its appeal since the advent of...

radio.

- Wow, Dick, why don't you just knife George in the back!

- Look, Ye Olde Apple Days is a town tradition,

and I don't think that we should give up on it.

If it isn't working, we should fix it.

All it needs are some new ideas.

- Do you have any new ideas, Dick?

- Uh, no.

- So basically you just like to hear

the sound of your own voice.

[MICHAEL GIGGLES]

- Maybe Michael has some ideas if he's not too busy giggling.

- Michael, everyone's staring at us.

Make them stop.

- What do you people want?

- Well, we all thought that since you're hip, you could

help George with some new ideas for Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Y-you all think I'm hip?

- The hippest.

- Well, I guess I could spitball some ideas.

- Great! All in favor of Michael spitballing,

raise your hand.

- Wow, it's a landslide!

- Hey, Dicksters.

What do you think about this idea for the apple fest?

Female applesauce wrestling.

- It's uh, a little tasteless but delicious.

- Of course it's delish.

It sprung from the Georgeman's gray cells.

- Hey, Michael, I just got another idea.

Why don't we have kids paint pictures of apples

and give a prize for the best one?

- What a genius! I could kiss you.

- You're a man.

- Well, that painting idea is brilliant.

Which doesn't mean we couldn't put a twist on it.

Whoa! Revelation.

Instead of little kids painting, we get adults.

- How come?

- Well, little kids, paint brushes, nostrils.

- Well, you're right.

No ceremony is worth injuring children.

- And instead of canvases, we paint the apples

directly onto the applesauce wrestlers.

What do you think?

- That's a twisted idea all right.

- It's just another nugget of a notion

from the goldmine of the Georgemonster.

- What do you think about an apple sack race?

- Eureka! The motherlode!

I love it. I wouldn't change a thing.

[PHONE RINGS]

All right. First off, we 86 the sacks.

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

- Hi. This is Larry.

Next to me is my brother, Darryl...

and my other brother, Darryl.

- What, what can I do for you guys?

- We thought you'd like an update on our walkathon.

We're in Cheshire, Connecticut.

- You, you mean you've been walking for four days?

- Not technically.

To break the monotony,

we hopped on one foot through the Berkshires.

Darryl, don't eat that!

- At a dollar a mile, I must owe...

where exactly is Cheshire?

- Uh-oh. Gotta go.

Darryl, how many times do I have to tell you,

face away from the road when you do that!

- Where is... where's my atlas?

- Gee, I don't know, Michael.

A laser light show sounds a little high tech.

- Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie, it was your idea!

- I thought my idea was an apple sack race.

- That's what this is.

Now come on, let's down some decaf

and flesh out your idea about skinny dipping for apples.

- That was bobbing.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.

Hello.

Da-Darryl, if that's you, could you put Larry on, please?

Hi. Hi, Larry.

Wh-where are you now?

- In a place called the South Bronx

though the absence of magnolia trees

makes me think it's not the Deep South.

- You've gone another 100 miles.

When are you guys coming home? We miss you!

- Actually, we almost turned back this morning.

Darryl had this blister on his foot.

Fortunately, it turned out to be an extra toe

we'd never noticed before.

Darryl, don't buy that Rolex.

It's a knockoff. I gotta go.

I'm losin' control over these boys.

- They've got to be stopped!

Hi, George.

What, what are you doing out so late?

- Just walking.

- Do, do I owe you money for that?

- I don't think so.

- Good.

Uh, George, are you, uh, are you all right?

- Not really.

You remember how Michael called me a goldmine of ideas?

- Yeah.

- Well, he took the ideas and gave me the shaft.

The Georgemonster has been fired.

- George, the new phone book's here.

You want me to look up your name for you?

That usually cheers you up.

- Sure.

It's probably under "U" for unhip.

- Now just because Michael says you aren't hip

doesn't mean anything.

Well, you're just as hip as...

Dick.

- Whoa, half-price slipper sale.

- Thanks, Joanna.

- Hello, fellow citizens of Appleopolis.

- Michael, if you don't tell them right away,

I'll burst!

- All right.

Prepare your accolades.

The apple fest is now a Michael Harris production

in association with

Stephanie Vanderkellen Enterprises.

- Michael made me his co-producer!

- Exactly what does a co-producer do?

- I welcome people.

I lie and tell them how nice they look.

I smile demurely when they tell me how nice I look.

- Great-great Grandpa Utley never smiled demurely.

- Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go sit in front of my makeup mirror

and practice sincerity.

I'll miss you all.

- Good start, Steph.

And while you're up there, pick out a dress

that won't clash with the ballroom at the Ramada.

- You're holding Ye Olde Apple Days

at the Ramada Inn?

- No, we're holding Apples Apples Apples there.

New name, new concept, new zip!

- What kind of zip is that?

- Well, just your usual singing, dancing,

multimedia spectacular kind of zip.

- Great-great Grandpa Utley would be shocked!

- Well, I've gotta run. I'm meeting DeeDee,

the choreographer, for a well drink.

- Wait a minute!

Where is it written

there can't be two Ye Olde Apple Days festivals?

- I-I don't know, but I'm sure I saw it somewhere, George.

- I'm going to hold my own festival right here in the Inn,

where it should be.

Ye Olde Apple Days lives!

- Does... does it have to live here?

- Well, I guess this is everybody.

- George, I'm sorry.

- Oh, it figures.

Michael advertised his show on TV.

I relied on word of mouth.

I wish you two had friends.

- Well, it-- it's still early.

I wouldn't mind waiting a few more hours.

- Well, that wouldn't be fair to the people who did show up.

Besides, we could have just as much fun with three

as we can with 300.

- Yeah, it's just that with 300, it doesn't seem so stupid.

- Well, I guess it's time for my opening speech.

Quiet down, please.

Welcome to the 172nd Ye Olde Apple Days festival.

I see a few unfamiliar faces out there.

- George, why don't we just skip the speech

and go right on to the activities.

- Good idea.

Would a pie-eating contest with three people seem stupid?

- A pie-eating contest can be held with any number of people

without looking stupid.

- Really? Okay. Then it will be just you and Joanna.

I'll be the judge.

Contestants, take your seats.

Grab your forks.

Go!

- Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

- What?

- Stephanie, I'm usually not one to complain,

but these ticket prices... $22.50 a person?

- Well, obviously you've never been to a Broadway show.

- No, but we did see the movie version of The Music Man

starring Robert Preston.

- And Buddy Hackett.

Boy, that guy's a national treasure.

- Jim, that was Stubby Kaye.

- You're crazy. It was Buddy Hackett.

- I'm crazy? You're the crazy one.

It was Stubby Kaye.

- Oh, you think everybody is Stubby Kaye.

- Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

- What?

- Oh, here!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting a Michael Harris production

in association with

Stephanie Vanderkellen Enterprises.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Apples Apples ♪

♪ To sing their praises We'll thrilled to the core ♪

♪ Ye Olde Apple Days was a bore ♪

♪ Now Michael Harris Has more in store ♪

♪ It's Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

♪ No other fruit we do Has got such appeal ♪

♪ Baldwin Granny McIntosh ♪

♪ Every one is great by gosh ♪

♪ Rome Delicious Pippin too Just efficient ♪

♪ Rip into an Apple ♪

♪ Apple ♪

♪ We just love Ye Olde Apple Days ♪

♪ So this tradition is Michael's rendition of Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

[APPLAUSE]

- Here you go, Dick. Good luck!

- Is it an apple?

- Dick, you're supposed to guess what kind!

- Um, McIntosh.

- Sorry.

- Damn!

- Here. It's your turn, Joanna.

Good luck!

- Pippin?

- Yeah! You really know your apples.

- Well, after you've eaten four Pippin pies...

- This is your fifth ribbon.

- Oh, thanks, George.

Boy, I'm running out of room!

- Hey, it's apple-bobbing time.

I'll get the tub.

- Dick, he's getting the tub.

We have got to put an end to this.

- Sure, now that you're ahead five ribbons!

- Let's just tell George

it's impossible to have a festival with three people.

- Hey, I think I could have bobbed the pants off of you!

Uh, George.

Could-could we speak to you?

- I know what you're going to say.

Ye Olde Apple Days is a ye olde bomb.

- Well, I wouldn't say "ye olde."

- Hey, are we too late for apple keno?

- Can't you see the tub, Jim?

They're only up to apple bobbing.

- What are you doing here?

- We walked out of Michael's show.

It was awful!

- We didn't get to do anything!

No spin the apple, no apple limbo.

All we did was sit and watch.

- Yeah, the worst part was Michael strutting around

like some apple pimp.

- Chester, what is that on your cheek?

- Oh, dear!

Those laser beams must have vaporized my eye!

- It looks like applesauce.

- So it is.

- I told you not to lean in so close

during the wrestling match.

- George, we're sorry we abandoned you.

- Well, that's okay.

One of the seven tenets of Ye Olde Apple Days

is forgiveness.

- You're a good man, George.

- Oh, Steph, you were right.

They thought our show was over.

Okay, folks, let me explain the concept of intermission.

- Michael, they left because they didn't like your show.

- Didn't like my show?

- How'd they feel about my demure smiling?

- They, they didn't say.

- They usually don't say anything when they're pleased.

- How--how could they prefer this

when my show had glitz, glamour, production values?

- Michael, this isn't Las Vegas.

- It never will be as long as people dunk their heads

in tubs of water.

- Well, you're welcome to join the celebration.

- Well, thanks, George.

I guess you know your audience a little better than I do.

- You must feel bad about

everybody walking out on your show.

- I'd feel worse if we had a refund policy.

- Have you ever bobbed for apples?

- No, but in college, I-I did have my head dunked...

but it wasn't in a tub.

And they, they weren't apples.

- Could I, cupcake?

- All right, as long as you don't get your hair wet.

- I'll be careful.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello. - Hi. This is Larry.

Next to me is my--

- Where are you now?

- Graceland.

Home of the king of rock 'n roll.

- Graceland. That's... that's in Memphis.

- I know. Our walkathon is completed.

Your pledge has provided us with adequate funds

to purchase the swamp...

and with enough left over

to buy a 9 x 12 Colonel Tom Parker area rug.

- That's... that's 1,400 miles.

- Gotta go. Darryl just won an impromptu look-alike contest

and we gotta help him divvy up the babes.

Bye!

- That's $1,400!

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.