Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Stephanie, those are outgoing postcards.

You can't read them!

- Why not? Dick does it all the time.

- I don't... I don't read them.

I glance at them.

There's a big difference between reading and glancing.

- Hi, Stephanie, Joanna.

Glancing at the postcards again?

- Here, George.

Why don't you just run these on down to the post office?

- Are you through? - Yes!

- Oh, hi.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon and this is my...

- You don't have to tell me. You're Dick Loudon.

- Have, have we met?

- No, but I feel like we have.

I've read every one of your books.

- Oh, oh really?

- I love what you do,

but I'm sure people tell you that all the time.

- Well, you know, you get used to it.

- Do you know why I love your stuff?

Because it teaches.

I mean, you take someone like Norman Mailer;

I'm sure he's a good read,

but when you're done, what have you got?

Zip.

- Well, you know, let's not be too, too hard on Norm.

He's pretty good, you know, for what he does.

- Oh, yeah. Didn't he write Vanna Speaks ?

- No, that was Vanna White.

- Well, they're both writers.

Literature is literature.

- Oh, uh, by the way, Al Griswold.

Oh, please forgive me, Dick. I get carried away sometimes.

- You know, if you had to pick like your, your favorite...

- No contest!

Heating Systems: Not Just a Lot of Hot Air.

- That was... that was a good one.

- Especially that chapter on ductwork.

Turned my life around.

- Oh, I remember that chapter.

Honey, you remember that chapter?

We were taking the walk in the woods

and it just... it just, it just came to me.

- Right, Dick.

- I can't believe I'm in the same room with Dick Loudon.

- I feel that way myself sometimes.

- Well, I've taken up enough of your time.

Boy, Dick Loudon.

[CHUCKLES]

- That's, that's what they call me.

So, so where, uh, where are you staying?

- Well, uh, in my car.

It's a new Hyundai.

- Well, why don't... why don't you, uh...

why don't you stay here as our guest?

- Oh, I, I couldn't impose and...

- Oh, we'd love to have you.

I'll, uh, I'll show you my typewriter.

- You talked me into it!

- Uh, Stephanie.

- Yes. - Would you show Mr. Griswold...

- Oh, Al.

- W--would you show Al to Room 2?

- I think Al would be more comfortable in Room 3.

The bed's already made up.

- Then make the bed up in Room 2.

- Do you really think it's polite

to keep your new friend waiting

while I make up a stupid old bed?

[CHUCKLES]

- Room 2, Stephanie.

- Boy, some guy drools all over Dick

and we treat him like a king.

- Good help is hard to find.

- We wouldn't know.

- All right. You can freeze.

Side order of slime.

- What's... what's going on here?

- Not to worry. Cuff him, boys.

- This...this is a mistake.

He's, he's a guest of ours and a...

and a big fan of mine.

- You're talkin' to Al "The Mole" Griswold.

- Who?

- It seems Mr. "The Mole" Griswold

broke outta Woodstock Correctional

at approximately 0500 this morning,

stole a blue Hyundai XL and headed due south to...

this location.

- Oh, gosh! This is so embarrassing.

- Crawled out through a heating duct.

Very clever, really.

- Thanks, but I can't take all the credit. Dick--

- You can... you can take him away.

- Thanks again for those duct tips.

- Whoa!

Are you implying you had assistance from the outside?

- Uh, no.

Okay, you broke me.

I got help from one of Dick's books.

Well, two actually,

if you count the one that helped me hotwire it.

- All right, men. Get this lowlife outta my face.

Is there somethin' you wanna get off your chest, Loudon?

- No.

- Oh, you're a tough nut to crack.

A few hours under the lamp

and he'll be singin' like a Von Trapp

in a room full of edelweiss.

- Look, I, I... I don't even know that guy.

STEPHANIE: Okay, Dick.

Room 2 is made up for your buddy Al.

- Thanks. Thanks, Stephanie.

- Room 2?

If memory serves, the finest room in the establishment.

Tsk, figures.

- I just...I just met the guy five minutes ago!

- You comin' quietly or do I break out Mr. Billy?

- Now this is just stupid! Dick didn't plan the escape.

He only wrote the instructions.

- Thanks a lot, Joanna.

I should have taken my chances with Mr. Billy.

- Oh, no!

He doesn't really read other peoples' postcards!

He just glances at them.

- Oh, they're gonna love you up at Woodstock, pretty boy.

- Oh, you're finally back. This place has been a madhouse.

I had to check in a guest!

- Stephanie, I hardly think

one guest constitutes a madhouse.

- Well, ugh, I never realized that running an inn

could be so stressful.

Poor you! No wonder you look so haggard all the time.

- I mean...I don't get it.

Al seemed like such a nice guy.

- Dick, they're still finding bodies in his basement.

- Honey, just because a man is a homicidal maniac

doesn't automatically make him a bad judge of writing.

- Well, at least the police let you go.

Now let's just try to put this behind us, okay?

- What's all this we hear

about Dick springing his underworld buddies?

- Who told you that?

- Well, Chester told me.

- No, Jim. I heard it from you.

- Then where did I hear it?

- Look, it was just a small misunderstanding.

It was blown out of proportion, and it's all over now.

- Boy, talk about lip service!

- You know, Dick, a thing like this

could really shake up a town.

Maybe instead of writing harmful books,

you should use your God-given talent

to write something that will help somebody.

- Like how-to books?

- Boy, Dick didn't learn a thing!

- Well, come on, Jim.

Obviously, being inspirational is wasted here.

- Oh, Dick.

Glad you're here.

I was, uh, worried you'd be out scaring people straight.

- Is this whole town on the same party line?

- No matter, my controversial compadres.

The important thing is...

television plus controversy equals audience.

Now that Dick's part in a prison break

is major tongue wags,

we can just sit back and scoop up Oprah-sized ratings!

- I was not part of the prison break.

- Sure, Dick. Tell it to the judge.

Woohoo.

Now, on the way over here, I got a 100-watter of an idea.

This involves you two. Picture this...

a show devoted to the woman behind the accessory,

the moll behind the menace.

What do you think? - I think you're demented!

- That is just the tip of the iceberg.

We interview Jo-Jo on Vermont Today .

Are you loving it?

You ask the probing question...

"What is it about your criminal leanings that attracts her?"

- Michael, that is not entertainment.

That is exploitation.

- Tomato/to-ma-to, Dick.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.

Oh, oh. Hi, hi, Mrs. Goddard.

Yes, yes, I-I wrote How to Spackle Like the Pros .

Yes, I-I wrote that one, too.

Well, I-I don't know if "prolific" is exactly the word.

What's that?

Well, you-- you have a nice day, too.

That was uh, Mrs. Goddard, the librarian.

They're pulling all my books off the shelves.

- I say we throw him in and see if he floats!

- Holy backlash, Dickman!

The whole town's in a snit pitch.

- Michael, this isn't a good time.

- All right. Well then, I'll...

I'll do this as painlessly as possible.

Joanna, you...you can't be a guest on Dick's show.

- Damn!

And I was gonna sing "Stand By Your Man."

- Aw!

- It...it doesn't matter. I'm going to use the show

to tell my side of the story and end all...

all this nonsense.

- Minor snag there.

Uh, you're not on your show either.

- What?

- Whoa, Dick, put that vein back in your head.

Nobody wants to sponsor the man

who helped spring Al "How-To" Griswold.

- I thought it was Al "The Mole" Griswold.

- He changed it. He never really

felt quite comfortable with "The Mole."

- I-I can't believe this is happening.

- I'd love to host a pity party, Dick,

but I've got problems, too.

On the bright side, now that your show is nixed,

I can finally expand Family Double-Dare

to the full 90 minutes it deserves.

[CROWD MUTTERING]

- Oh boy, Dick. Who'd have figured

you in cahoots with Al "How-To" Griswold!

- George, I'm not in cahoots with anyone.

- The town doesn't think so.

They're all trying to find copies of your books.

- What for? - Didn't you hear?

There's gonna be a big book burning tomorrow night.

[♪♪♪]

I just want you to know that I'm not going to

the you-know-what tonight.

- We're gonna miss you when we move, George.

- Oh. Stop it! We are not going anywhere.

- Uh, excuse me.

[SIGHS]

- Yes.

- You know, I just adore these quaint little tucked-away towns.

Are there any points of interest I should see?

- Well, normally I'd give you one of these...

But, tonight there is going to be this really big book burning.

- Oh, how New England!

Tell me, what books are we burning?

- His.

- Don't look now, but I think somebody just put arms

on the statue of Venus.

- And gave her a manicure.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

- And kudos to you, Dick.

That, that book-burning idea is mucho caliente.

- It, it wasn't my idea.

- Funny. It screamed Dick to me.

Still, it's just the shot in the arm

this humble hamlet needs.

- Michael, has it occurred to you

that Dick is being wronged?

- Well, of course, but I'm not going to dwell on it.

Did I mention that I'm personally handling

local coverage of the big book bake?

- Great.

Anyone else would have turned it into a circus.

- Michael, I have a question.

- Fire away, Steph. No pun there, Dick.

- About this book-burning thing.

Should I dress theme and go for a flashy look

or should I go subtle and try to contrast with the flames?

- It doesn't matter what I wear because I'm not going!

- We know, George.

- Well, Steph, I think there's only one way

to untangle this fashion snafu.

- A trip through my closet?

- Oh, could we?

- Hi.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

We thought you could use a heap of support during this,

your time of need.

- Thanks. Thanks, guys.

- As a show of solidarity, Darryl and I

will not be attending tonight's book-burning gala.

What?

Do you feel the same way, Darryl?

I may have shot off my mouth prematurely.

Darryl has pointed out that not attending

an event of such stature

could seriously stunt their social growth.

- Well, you know, I mean they... they've come this far.

- Therefore, we will be present in body but not in spirit.

- I won't be present in body or in spirit, Dick.

- That's the rumor, George.

- Come on, Darryl.

I hope you saved up plenty of arm hair to curl in the fire.

- Well, I'm still in your corner, Dick,

even though I hear a book burning

is a great place to meet chicks.

- That's uh, that's where I met Joanna.

- Well, if you need me tonight,

I'll be in my empty little room in the dark...

alone.

- George, go to the damn book burning

and have a good time!

- What? Are you sure? - Yes!

- Gee, Dick, thanks!

- Well, this really galls me.

In one day, this whole town has turned against you.

- Well, maybe they have a point.

I mean, a maniac did escape from prison,

and I was partly responsible.

- Honey, that was a fluke. It only happened once...

that we know of.

- But that's the point.

I mean, what, what if some pyromaniac was slipped

a copy of my Keeping Your Hibachi Happy, Volume 2 ?

There, there's a whole chapter in there on starting a fire.

- [SIGHS] Where are you going?

- I'm going to take a long, long walk and then...

maybe later I'll go over and watch my career go up in smoke.

[APPLAUSE]

- We want to thank some of the other people

who are making this book burning such a rousing success.

The volunteer fire department for organizing the book drive.

- Yay!

- Lambert's Hardware for the butane lighters.

[APPLAUSE]

- Book banning.

Censorship.

Protection for society or constitutional calamity?

You be the judge.

Enjoying the burnabaloo?

- Oh, I-I think it's thrilling.

A real book burning.

Most people only get to read about them.

- You mean, this has been done before?

- [CHUCKLES] Oh, for hundreds of years.

- Cut! Cut!

- Stephanie, oh no!

- What?

- Well, I don't know how to tell you this

looking as resplendent as you do,

but it seems fate has made you the unwitting victim

of a horrible faux pas.

- Ewwwww! I'm dressed like Darryl!

Michael!

- What is it, Steph?

Good God!

- Michael, I'm a laughingstock!

- Shield your eyes, Steph.

Stop tape.

I said...look, press the button on the--

oh, give me that!

- People, people.

Sure, a book burning can be fun,

but only if we follow proper safety procedure.

Now, should one of you weenie toasters

catch on fire...

Remember, stop, drop, and roll.

Well, I've said my bit.

- And now, the moment we've all been waiting for.

It's time to set flame to this mountain of filth.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Tell me, is it true that this Loudon character

worships the Devil?

- Oh, I don't think so.

Of course, I sleep in on Sundays.

- I've heard that if you read his books backwards,

they contain messages from Hell.

- I'm sure you've heard wrong.

- Thanks, George.

- Hey, everyone. It's Dick Loudon...

the man who made this whole evening possible.

[APPLAUSE]

- Look, I know you have your minds set on this...

book-burning thing, but before we go ahead,

I'd like... I'd like to have my say.

- Can you believe this guy?

- Look, I, uh...

I realize that one of my books, possibly two,

may have indirectly inspired an illegal act, but I--

I mean, any book could have done that if--

if read by the wrong person.

- No one ever broke out of prison

from reading the Bible, Dick.

- Wow, Dick's comparing his books to the Bible!

- No, no!

The point is that you-- you can't blame the books.

I mean, these are just nuts and bolts books about...

nuts and bolts.

I mean, one little incident has mushroomed into mass hysteria.

I doubt if any of you have read any of my books.

- Well, of course not, Dick.

We don't want to spend eternity in H-E-double hockey sticks.

- All right.

Does this sound like the work of the Devil?

"Turn off water at source.

"Before detaching U-shaped portion of pipe,

"remember to place drip pan underneath...

to prevent staining floor."

- Loudon's right.

These are nothin' more than instruction manuals.

- And boring ones at that.

- Well, maybe we should burn them!

- Can't burn things just 'cause they're boring.

Otherwise Chester would have been charcoal years ago.

- It's a shame to have these weenies go to waste.

Isn't there something else we can burn?

- Well, there's wood.

- What an idea!

As mayor of this town,

I declare this the big wood burning.

- A big cheer for Dick!

[APPLAUSE]

- Honey, you were wonderful!

- Honey, the wood burning thing was an obvious choice.

- No.

I mean, the way you handled the crowd.

You really turned them around!

- I was, was pretty good, wasn't I?

- Uh-hm.

- Without, without being too, too preachy.

- Uh, Dick, uh,

I may be a little late for work tomorrow...

if you know what I mean.

[♪♪♪]

- Hello.

- Hi. Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon and this is my husband--

- Oh, you're Dick Loudon,

and I'm finally getting to meet you face to face.

- Out! Get the hell out of my inn!

Out! Go!

- Dick, are you crazy? Not every fan is a criminal!

- Honey, I can't afford to take that chance.

- Boy, I don't know what you did, Dick,

but you sure ticked that IRS guy off.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.