All language subtitles for Newhart_S07E01

[♪♪♪]

- Stephanie, those are
outgoing postcards.

You can't read them!

- Why not?
Dick does it all the time.

- I don't...
I don't read them.

I glance at them.

There's a big difference
between reading and glancing.

- Hi, Stephanie, Joanna.

Glancing at the postcards
again?

- Here, George.

Why don't you just run these on
down to the post office?

- Are you through?
- Yes!

- Oh, hi.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon
and this is my...

- You don't have to tell me.
You're Dick Loudon.

- Have, have we met?

- No, but I feel like we have.

I've read every one
of your books.

- Oh, oh really?

- I love what you do,

but I'm sure people
tell you that all the time.

- Well, you know,
you get used to it.

- Do you know
why I love your stuff?

Because it teaches.

I mean, you take someone
like Norman Mailer;

I'm sure he's a good read,

but when you're done,
what have you got?

Zip.

- Well, you know, let's not be
too, too hard on Norm.

He's pretty good, you know,
for what he does.

- Oh, yeah.
Didn't he write Vanna Speaks ?

- No, that was Vanna White.

- Well, they're both writers.

Literature is literature.

- Oh, uh, by the way,
Al Griswold.

Oh, please forgive me, Dick.
I get carried away sometimes.

- You know, if you had to pick
like your, your favorite...

- No contest!

Heating Systems:
Not Just a Lot of Hot Air.

- That was...
that was a good one.

- Especially that chapter
on ductwork.

Turned my life around.

- Oh, I remember that chapter.

Honey, you remember
that chapter?

We were taking
the walk in the woods

and it just...
it just, it just came to me.

- Right, Dick.

- I can't believe I'm in
the same room with Dick Loudon.

- I feel that way myself
sometimes.

- Well, I've taken up
enough of your time.

Boy, Dick Loudon.

[CHUCKLES]

- That's, that's
what they call me.

So, so where, uh,
where are you staying?

- Well, uh, in my car.

It's a new Hyundai.

- Well, why don't...
why don't you, uh...

why don't you stay here
as our guest?

- Oh, I, I couldn't impose
and...

- Oh, we'd love to have you.

I'll, uh, I'll show you
my typewriter.

- You talked me into it!

- Uh, Stephanie.

- Yes.
- Would you show Mr. Griswold...

- Oh, Al.

- W--would you show Al
to Room 2?

- I think Al would be
more comfortable in Room 3.

The bed's already made up.

- Then make the bed up
in Room 2.

- Do you really think
it's polite

to keep
your new friend waiting

while I make up
a stupid old bed?

[CHUCKLES]

- Room 2, Stephanie.

- Boy, some guy
drools all over Dick

and we treat him
like a king.

- Good help is hard to find.

- We wouldn't know.

- All right.
You can freeze.

Side order of slime.

- What's...
what's going on here?

- Not to worry.
Cuff him, boys.

- This...this is a mistake.

He's, he's a guest of ours
and a...

and a big fan of mine.

- You're talkin' to
Al "The Mole" Griswold.

- Who?

- It seems
Mr. "The Mole" Griswold

broke outta
Woodstock Correctional

at approximately
0500 this morning,

stole a blue Hyundai XL
and headed due south to...

this location.

- Oh, gosh!
This is so embarrassing.

- Crawled out
through a heating duct.

Very clever, really.

- Thanks, but I can't take
all the credit. Dick--

- You can...
you can take him away.

- Thanks again
for those duct tips.

- Whoa!

Are you implying you had
assistance from the outside?

- Uh, no.

Okay, you broke me.

I got help from
one of Dick's books.

Well, two actually,

if you count the one
that helped me hotwire it.

- All right, men.
Get this lowlife outta my face.

Is there somethin' you wanna
get off your chest, Loudon?

- No.

- Oh, you're
a tough nut to crack.

A few hours under the lamp

and he'll be singin'
like a Von Trapp

in a room
full of edelweiss.

- Look, I, I...
I don't even know that guy.

STEPHANIE:
Okay, Dick.

Room 2 is made up
for your buddy Al.

- Thanks.
Thanks, Stephanie.

- Room 2?

If memory serves, the finest
room in the establishment.

Tsk, figures.

- I just...I just met the guy
five minutes ago!

- You comin' quietly
or do I break out Mr. Billy?

- Now this is just stupid!
Dick didn't plan the escape.

He only wrote the instructions.

- Thanks a lot, Joanna.

I should have taken my chances
with Mr. Billy.

- Oh, no!

He doesn't really read
other peoples' postcards!

He just glances at them.

- Oh, they're gonna love you
up at Woodstock, pretty boy.

- Oh, you're finally back.
This place has been a madhouse.

I had to check in a guest!

- Stephanie, I hardly think

one guest
constitutes a madhouse.

- Well, ugh, I never realized
that running an inn

could be so stressful.

Poor you! No wonder you look
so haggard all the time.

- I mean...I don't get it.

Al seemed like
such a nice guy.

- Dick, they're still finding
bodies in his basement.

- Honey, just because a man
is a homicidal maniac

doesn't automatically make him
a bad judge of writing.

- Well, at least
the police let you go.

Now let's just try to
put this behind us, okay?

- What's all this we hear

about Dick springing
his underworld buddies?

- Who told you that?

- Well, Chester told me.

- No, Jim.
I heard it from you.

- Then where did I hear it?

- Look, it was just
a small misunderstanding.

It was blown out of proportion,
and it's all over now.

- Boy, talk about lip service!

- You know, Dick,
a thing like this

could really shake up a town.

Maybe instead of writing
harmful books,

you should use
your God-given talent

to write something
that will help somebody.

- Like how-to books?

- Boy, Dick didn't
learn a thing!

- Well, come on, Jim.

Obviously, being inspirational
is wasted here.

- Oh, Dick.

Glad you're here.

I was, uh, worried you'd be out
scaring people straight.

- Is this whole town
on the same party line?

- No matter,
my controversial compadres.

The important thing is...

television plus controversy
equals audience.

Now that Dick's part
in a prison break

is major tongue wags,

we can just sit back and
scoop up Oprah-sized ratings!

- I was not part
of the prison break.

- Sure, Dick.
Tell it to the judge.

Woohoo.

Now, on the way over here,
I got a 100-watter of an idea.

This involves you two.
Picture this...

a show devoted to the woman
behind the accessory,

the moll behind the menace.

What do you think?
- I think you're demented!

- That is just
the tip of the iceberg.

We interview Jo-Jo
on Vermont Today .

Are you loving it?

You ask the probing question...

"What is it about your criminal
leanings that attracts her?"

- Michael, that is not
entertainment.

That is exploitation.

- Tomato/to-ma-to, Dick.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.

Oh, oh. Hi, hi, Mrs. Goddard.

Yes, yes, I-I wrote
How to Spackle Like the Pros .

Yes, I-I wrote that one, too.

Well, I-I don't know if
"prolific" is exactly the word.

What's that?

Well, you--
you have a nice day, too.

That was uh, Mrs. Goddard,
the librarian.

They're pulling all my books
off the shelves.

- I say we throw him in
and see if he floats!

- Holy backlash, Dickman!

The whole town's
in a snit pitch.

- Michael,
this isn't a good time.

- All right.
Well then, I'll...

I'll do this as painlessly
as possible.

Joanna, you...you can't be
a guest on Dick's show.

- Damn!

And I was gonna sing
"Stand By Your Man."

- Aw!

- It...it doesn't matter.
I'm going to use the show

to tell my side of the story
and end all...

all this nonsense.

- Minor snag there.

Uh, you're not on
your show either.

- What?

- Whoa, Dick, put that vein
back in your head.

Nobody wants to sponsor the man

who helped spring
Al "How-To" Griswold.

- I thought it was
Al "The Mole" Griswold.

- He changed it.
He never really

felt quite comfortable
with "The Mole."

- I-I can't believe
this is happening.

- I'd love to host
a pity party, Dick,

but I've got problems, too.

On the bright side,
now that your show is nixed,

I can finally expand
Family Double-Dare

to the full 90 minutes
it deserves.

[CROWD MUTTERING]

- Oh boy, Dick.
Who'd have figured

you in cahoots with
Al "How-To" Griswold!

- George, I'm not in cahoots
with anyone.

- The town doesn't think so.

They're all trying to find
copies of your books.

- What for?
- Didn't you hear?

There's gonna be a big
book burning tomorrow night.

[♪♪♪]

I just want you to know
that I'm not going to

the you-know-what tonight.

- We're gonna miss you
when we move, George.

- Oh. Stop it!
We are not going anywhere.

- Uh, excuse me.

[SIGHS]

- Yes.

- You know, I just adore these
quaint little tucked-away towns.

Are there any points of interest
I should see?

- Well, normally
I'd give you one of these...

But, tonight there is going to
be this really big book burning.

- Oh, how New England!

Tell me, what books
are we burning?

- His.

- Don't look now, but I think
somebody just put arms

on the statue of Venus.

- And gave her a manicure.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

- And kudos to you, Dick.

That, that book-burning idea
is mucho caliente.

- It, it wasn't my idea.

- Funny.
It screamed Dick to me.

Still, it's just
the shot in the arm

this humble hamlet needs.

- Michael,
has it occurred to you

that Dick is being wronged?

- Well, of course, but
I'm not going to dwell on it.

Did I mention
that I'm personally handling

local coverage
of the big book bake?

- Great.

Anyone else would have
turned it into a circus.

- Michael, I have a question.

- Fire away, Steph.
No pun there, Dick.

- About this book-burning thing.

Should I dress theme
and go for a flashy look

or should I go subtle and try to
contrast with the flames?

- It doesn't matter what I wear
because I'm not going!

- We know, George.

- Well, Steph, I think
there's only one way

to untangle this fashion snafu.

- A trip through my closet?

- Oh, could we?

- Hi.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother
Darryl.

We thought you could use
a heap of support during this,

your time of need.

- Thanks. Thanks, guys.

- As a show of solidarity,
Darryl and I

will not be attending
tonight's book-burning gala.

What?

Do you feel
the same way, Darryl?

I may have shot off
my mouth prematurely.

Darryl has pointed out
that not attending

an event of such stature

could seriously stunt
their social growth.

- Well, you know, I mean they...
they've come this far.

- Therefore, we will be present
in body but not in spirit.

- I won't be present in body
or in spirit, Dick.

- That's the rumor, George.

- Come on, Darryl.

I hope you saved up plenty of
arm hair to curl in the fire.

- Well, I'm still
in your corner, Dick,

even though I hear
a book burning

is a great place
to meet chicks.

- That's uh, that's where
I met Joanna.

- Well, if you need me tonight,

I'll be in my empty little room
in the dark...

alone.

- George,
go to the damn book burning

and have a good time!

- What? Are you sure?
- Yes!

- Gee, Dick, thanks!

- Well, this really galls me.

In one day, this whole town
has turned against you.

- Well, maybe they have a point.

I mean, a maniac
did escape from prison,

and I was partly responsible.

- Honey, that was a fluke.
It only happened once...

that we know of.

- But that's the point.

I mean, what, what if
some pyromaniac was slipped

a copy of my Keeping
Your Hibachi Happy, Volume 2 ?

There, there's a whole chapter
in there on starting a fire.

- [SIGHS] Where are you going?

- I'm going to take a long,
long walk and then...

maybe later I'll go over and
watch my career go up in smoke.

[APPLAUSE]

- We want to thank
some of the other people

who are making this book burning
such a rousing success.

The volunteer fire department
for organizing the book drive.

- Yay!

- Lambert's Hardware
for the butane lighters.

[APPLAUSE]

- Book banning.

Censorship.

Protection for society
or constitutional calamity?

You be the judge.

Enjoying the burnabaloo?

- Oh, I-I think
it's thrilling.

A real book burning.

Most people only get to
read about them.

- You mean, this has
been done before?

- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, for hundreds of years.

- Cut! Cut!

- Stephanie, oh no!

- What?

- Well, I don't know
how to tell you this

looking as resplendent
as you do,

but it seems fate has made you
the unwitting victim

of a horrible faux pas.

- Ewwwww!
I'm dressed like Darryl!

Michael!

- What is it, Steph?

Good God!

- Michael, I'm a laughingstock!

- Shield your eyes, Steph.

Stop tape.

I said...look,
press the button on the--

oh, give me that!

- People, people.

Sure, a book burning
can be fun,

but only if we follow
proper safety procedure.

Now, should one of you
weenie toasters

catch on fire...

Remember,
stop, drop, and roll.

Well, I've said my bit.

- And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It's time to set flame
to this mountain of filth.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Tell me, is it true
that this Loudon character

worships the Devil?

- Oh, I don't think so.

Of course,
I sleep in on Sundays.

- I've heard that if you read
his books backwards,

they contain messages from Hell.

- I'm sure you've heard wrong.

- Thanks, George.

- Hey, everyone.
It's Dick Loudon...

the man who made
this whole evening possible.

[APPLAUSE]

- Look, I know you have
your minds set on this...

book-burning thing,
but before we go ahead,

I'd like...
I'd like to have my say.

- Can you believe this guy?

- Look, I, uh...

I realize that one of my books,
possibly two,

may have indirectly inspired
an illegal act, but I--

I mean, any book
could have done that if--

if read by the wrong person.

- No one ever broke
out of prison

from reading the Bible, Dick.

- Wow, Dick's comparing
his books to the Bible!

- No, no!

The point is that you--
you can't blame the books.

I mean, these are just
nuts and bolts books about...

nuts and bolts.

I mean, one little incident has
mushroomed into mass hysteria.

I doubt if any of you
have read any of my books.

- Well, of course not, Dick.

We don't want to spend eternity
in H-E-double hockey sticks.

- All right.

Does this sound like
the work of the Devil?

"Turn off water at source.

"Before detaching U-shaped
portion of pipe,

"remember to place
drip pan underneath...

to prevent staining floor."

- Loudon's right.

These are nothin'
more than instruction manuals.

- And boring ones at that.

- Well, maybe
we should burn them!

- Can't burn things
just 'cause they're boring.

Otherwise Chester would have
been charcoal years ago.

- It's a shame to have
these weenies go to waste.

Isn't there something else
we can burn?

- Well, there's wood.

- What an idea!

As mayor of this town,

I declare this
the big wood burning.

- A big cheer for Dick!

[APPLAUSE]

- Honey, you were wonderful!

- Honey, the wood burning thing
was an obvious choice.

- No.

I mean, the way
you handled the crowd.

You really turned them around!

- I was, was pretty good,
wasn't I?

- Uh-hm.

- Without, without being
too, too preachy.

- Uh, Dick, uh,

I may be a little late
for work tomorrow...

if you know what I mean.

[♪♪♪]

- Hello.

- Hi. Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon
and this is my husband--

- Oh, you're Dick Loudon,

and I'm finally getting to
meet you face to face.

- Out! Get the hell
out of my inn!

Out! Go!

- Dick, are you crazy?
Not every fan is a criminal!

- Honey, I can't afford to
take that chance.

- Boy, I don't know
what you did, Dick,

but you sure ticked
that IRS guy off.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.