Original subtitles

Well,

all the rooms are sparkling and shining like nobody's business,

so I'm ready to get to work down here.

What do you want me to do first?

Steph-- Steph-- Stephanie, is that you?

Of course!

Uh, should I start in your study or here in the lobby?

Oh! I know.

That kitchen floor could use a good scrubbing.

She-- She wants something and it must be huge.

O--O--Okay, what is it?

Well, there is one thing.

I wanna do my job better.

I mean, you two have always been so terrific to me,

and all I've ever done is take advantage.

But that's all changed.

I've come to realize that it's no crime

to do the job you're paid to do the very best you can.

-A raise. She wants a raise. -Ah!

No. Don't be silly.

[ Giggles ]

Honey, don't make any sudden moves.

She may be dangerous.

Hi, Dick, Joanna. Good to see ya.

That-- that was all in English.

I've given up those nutty hello things.

To tell the truth,

I was even starting to get on my nerves.

STEPHANIE: Michael.

Steph.

-Thank you, sweetheart. -Mmm.

They-- they-- they weren't sickeningly cute together.

Well, we've come to realize that you can be in love

without making others wanna puke.

Oh, by the way, Dick,

here's a list of guests for, uh,

the next few Vermont Today s.

Here it comes.

Mi--Michael, these are all classy, intelligent people.

Dick, you've been a good friend,

and the least I can do

is produce the kind of TV program you want.

To be honest,

I think it's gonna be a better show.

See ya Sunday.

I-- I'm frightened.

Dick, relax.

Things are finally starting to go your way.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Well, it was a great 10 seconds.

Yeah.

We just wanted to stop by and say bye.

How come?

Well, mainly because we're leavin'.

Wha-- what?

We've decided to give up our life in the big city

and move back to our cabin in the woods.

Of course, the downside is

we probably won't be seein' as much of each other anymore.

Probably only when you want to.

Only when we want.

Uh-oh.

Darryl was worried

that this might turn into an emotional scene.

Don't-- don't-- don't worry, guys.

For your sakes, I'll--

I'll try and show nothing but-- but happiness.

Thanks. We will miss you.

Well, we should be goin'.

We have to decide what food can travel

back to the cabin with us

and what we have to scarf down in a wild eating binge.

Well,

[ Sighs ] Good-bye.

I don't-- I-- I don't believe this.

They're-- They're moving out of town,

Stephanie is cleaning like a demon,

Michael is-- is finally doing the show

the way-- the way I want.

All-- all the problems in my life are--

are sud-- suddenly gone.

I know, honey. It's wonderful!

Man,

I mean, I almost--

almost feel like-- like pinching myself.

[ Laughs ]

Damn it.

Morning, Dick.

Morning, George.

Mmm, pancakes. My favorite.

[ Sniffs ]

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

And they taste as good as they smell.

I need a good breakfast this morning,

because I'm gonna start re-shingling the roof.

Well, you got-- you got perfect weather for it.

Yep.

[ Sniffs ]

Mmm, great coffee.

Uh, uh, George?

Is-- is this-- is this all you're gonna do?

Huh?

Well, it-- it is a dream.

So?

Well, in-- in a dream, you can do anything you like.

I like this.

But-- but this is exactly like your real life.

Yeah, but to me, my real life is a dream.

Smell these, Dick.

George, I don't wanna smell 'em.

See-- see the great thing about-- about dreams is--

is you can do things that--

that you can't do in-- in real life.

Dick, I have this dream all the time,

and I like it fine.

That is, until you started bugging me in it.

George, m--maybe-- maybe you don't realize your--

your dream options.

Like, uh, st--st-- strange lighting.

Uh, you can, uh--

you can-- you can make it, uh, thunder and lightning outside.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Well, there goes the shingling weather.

All right, all right, forget about outside.

George, there are a lot of neat things

you can-- you can do here like, uh,

uh, strange-- strange music.

[ Eerie music plays ]

Or, uh, mysterious mists.

Uh...

George-- George, you-- you can even make

inanimate objects talk.

How you doin', George?

Dick, are you trying to make me wake up crying?

No, George, I'm just trying to show ya how to have--

how to have fun in your dreams.

I appreciate it, Dick, but believe me, I'm fine.

And my dream is fine.

Now, I gotta go re-shingle that roof.

G--George, uh, I-- I gotta tell ya,

I-- I think you're wasting your time dreaming like this,

but I mean, it's up to you, you know,

if you wanna have boring dreams.

Gee, Dick, give me a chance.

Well, at-- at least now, George,

shingling that roof should-- should be a cinch.

Steph, what's the emergency?

Michael, thank goodness you're here!

What is it, my cute cupazoid?

There's something terribly horrible upstairs,

and I just know it's going to come down and get me.

Really? What?

Well, I don't know, but...

it's wicked and putrid and generally gross,

and it'll be here any second.

Well, I'll give those worry wrinkles walking papers,

because nothing, but nothing

is gonna mess with my sensual senorita

as long as this blood box is still pumping!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Horror music ]

Oh, no!

Don't worry!

Before it can get near my main muffin,

it'll have to pry away my dead carcass!

Ew!

But thank you.

Here it comes!

[ Screams ]

Oh, Michael,

isn't that the most

frighteningly evil thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, it's more frightening than anything in The Boogans !

Stephanie...

Oh, my God!

It even has speech problems!

Michael, help me!

Gee, Steph, I know I said I'd help,

but this is scarier than I bargained for.

I'm off the goose pimples scale,

and I'm dangerously close to fabric-ruining perspiration.

I love you a lot, but I'm outta here.

Call if you live!

Michael!

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunting ]

Oh!

Oh!

[ Grunting ]

It's pointless to run.

[ Gasps ]

What do you want from me?

Why, just one little thing.

I want you to clean.

[ Horror movie sting ]

But I already cleaned every inch of the inn.

I cleaned it nice.

But it's not good enough.

I want you to start all over again

and clean all 100 rooms.

But we don't have 100 rooms.

We do now.

I made George build all night.

[ Maniacal laughing ]

Why are you so mean to me, Joanna?

Because you're so good and pure.

And so incredibly perfect and beautiful.

Well, you got me there.

But you won't be by the time I'm through with you.

I want you to scrub.

Now.

-[ Jaws inspired music plays ] -[ Gasps ]

Oh!

But there's no scrub brush.

Why so there isn't.

Here,

use this.

[ Psycho inspired music ]

A toothbrush?

And it doesn't even have a full-sized head.

[ Sobbing ]

Get to work.

[ Sobbing ]

Faster! Faster! Faster!

[ Maniacal laughing ]

Whoa, Scoliosis!

[ Trumpet fanfare ]

Stop abusing my pure and perfect pita,

you wench!

Oh, Michael, you came back!

I couldn't stay away,

knowing how much I loved you,

and once I realized nothing bad

could really happen to me in a dream.

[ laughs ]

My hero!

And I come bearing great news!

Your father gave us four million dollars

to get a home and start a family

and still have enough left over to buy a major yacht!

[ Laughs ]

And look!

We already have two children.

You don't have to go through the bother

of having them yourself.

No stretchmarks.

Ew!

Oh, Michael, you're wonderful.

Let's ride off together.

Let's march, muffin.

She's not going anywhere.

-[ Ominous music ] -Well, I'm going anyway,

and you can't stop me.

M--maybe she can, Steph.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You can go.

As soon as you finish dusting the lobby.

[ Sighs ]

Well, that sounds fair.

This won't take long.

Oh, no?

[ Slowed down manical laughing ]

[ Eerie music plays ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

Oh.

Thank goodness it was only a dream.

Those children weren't even blond.

Hola, head honcho.

Greetings, major muchacho.

We have the ratings, el grande bosso.

Good, good, good. Let's see.

CBS 46.7, ABC 46.8, NBC 46.9.

-You won the week again, sir. -How could I lose?

-I'm running all three networks. -And brilliantly!

Now, there are record viewing levels,

but I know we can do better.

The schedule needs work.

Oh, yes, yes! Let's make it work!

Let's see, what's our number one show?

That would be People Have Sex and Then Get Killed Theater .

Oh, yes. One of my own ideas.

-Oh, yes. -A very good idea, sir.

Well, there have been a few complaints about it

from a few tiny special-interest groups.

What could they possibly say is wrong with it?

Uh, too much sex and violence.

Really?

Maybe they'll calm down if we move it out of the family hour.

Oh, that's fantastic, sir!

We need a show to take its place.

Something high con, defined modal,

with center cut, and a healthy top spin.

Something for kids?

That's what I just said!

I know you're very busy, Mr. Harris,

but you've just won another award.

Congratulations, sir.

I wanna thank the voters for this great honor.

This-- this is just the kind of message I need

to further my crusade

to stamp out quality television wherever it rears its ugly head.

Thank you all, again.

This is very special and... meaningful to me.

Very well said, sir. Very well put.

Mr. Harris, have you had a chance

to see the rough cut of the 17th Gilligan TV movie yet?

Oh, yes. Gilligan's Island: The Food Runs Out .

Kind of a downer.

Try trimming the scene where they have to

-eat the Skipper. -[ Enthusiastic babble ]

-[ Harp music ] -MAN: Ooh.

Oh, Michael, I'm so proud of you.

You're finally making enough money

for me to live a normal life again.

-What a cute quesadilla. -She's a muffin, sir.

Thank you, thank you. Now off with you!

I have shows to create.

Okay, bye.

Ooh, I mean, adios, sir.

Whoever you are,

I'm thinking make an appointment with one of my secretaries.

It's time now, Michael. We-- we made a deal.

What, uh-- what kind of deal.

Figure it out for yourself.

How-- how do you think you got all of this?

With-- with your talent?

[ Laughs ]

Dick, is that you?

Never touch the horns.

Dick, devil. Devil, Dick.

Why didn't I ever make the connection before?

Let's go, Michael.

People are waiting to see your shows.

It's just the kind of torture they're expecting.

No!

ED MCMAHON: From Hollywood,

The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.

Johnny's guest host tonight is Larry.

This is Ed McMahon, inviting you to join Larry and his guests

Emma Samms, Fred Travalena,

and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embery.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Larry!

[ Applause ]

Hi, I'm your host, Larry.

This is my sidekick, Darryl,

and this is my bandleader, Darryl.

You're looking good, Darryl.

We should get some nuclear guys to come out

and take a reading on that outfit.

Oh, good to see you, Tommy.

Did you know the practice of hibernating began

when Tommy walked into the woods one day

and started to talk to the animals?

Anyway, we got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Samms is with us. Ya-ha!

[ Applause ]

And Fred Travalena.

[ Applause ]

And a visit from Joan Embery from the San Diego Zoo.

[ Applause ]

So let's get to it.

[ Band playing jazzy music ]

[ Applause ]

[ Band playing jazzy music ]

[ Applause continues ]

Okay. We're back. Good to see you, Darryl.

I was lookin' through the paper and I came across this article,

30 Ways to Skin a Weasel.

Now, Darryl, I'll bet you think

that every conceivable way to skin a weasel

is covered in this article.

You are wrong, possum breath.

I have a whole ton of other ways right here.

But they're not worth doin'.

[ Breaking glass ]

Oops, sorry. That's more of a Letterman thing.

Now, my first guest is always a pleasure to have with us.

From the San Diego Zoo, Miss Joan Embery.

-[ Applause ] -[ Band playing ]

Nice to see you, Larry.

Hi. And may I say,

you smell much better than you'd think

for a lady in your line of work.

Thank you. [ Laughs ]

Tonight I brought you a couple of very exotic birds

from South America called the Sillindilly.

Now, wait till you see their color.

It's just incredible.

It might take them a couple of seconds

to adjust to the light, though.

They're gone?

What happened?

I don't know.

Where could they have--?

Darryl.

Have you been in-between-meals snackin'?

On our animal guests?

And Tommy, I hope I don't find out

you've been involved in this.

I can't believe those guys did this.

I told them how rare these birds were.

Oh, that explains it.

Darryl thought you meant medium rare.

Anyway, since Joan has screwed up,

let's move on to my next guest,

the versatile Fred Travalena.

-[ Applause ] -[ Band playing ]

Hiyo!

Hi, Larry. Great to see ya.

Fred, you're an amazing impressionist.

They say you can do anyone.

Well, thanks.

Can you do a little bit of Herbie Crooker for us?

Who?

Herbie Crooker.

He's always hangin' out in front of the feed store.

Wait'll you hear this.

[ Chuckles ]

Nah, uh-- uh-- uh, Larry, I'm afraid I-- I don't know him.

[ Laughs ]

Oops, sorry.

I appear to have exposed you as a fraud

on national television.

Wait, wait. I know. I know who I can do.

[ Clears throat ]

Darryl. I'll do Darryl.

[ Laughs ]

[ Applause ]

That's incredible.

Darryl's my brother and for a second there,

I couldn't tell the difference.

Uh-oh. What's that, Freddy?

My producer's giving me the signal to move on.

My next guest is a big time movie star

and one fabulous babe, Emma Samms.

[ Applause ]

Now, Darryl, I know you like our guest,

but the FCC has very strict rules about sidekick seating.

Hi, Larry. It's nice to meet you.

Same here.

Now, I know you do a lot of TV and films,

but I'm wonderin' what someone like you

does in her spare time.

Well, when I'm not working, I live a pretty normal life.

You know, I like to do things like, uh,

go out in the backyard and roll around in the mud.

-Really? -Yeah.

And like to play games.

You know, things like, uh, Large Bite and, uh,

Name That Stain.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, and after a nice downpour,

you'll always find me out romping in the nearest bog.

Wow.

I know you're not gonna believe this,

but I'm into a whole lot of those same things.

Oh, come on.

I mean, every time I've seen you host,

you've always come off like some glitzy Hollywood type.

Well, I must admit, I do have that side to me.

But part of me is as normal as you.

Did you ever play Let's See If This Is Edible?

All the time!

We-- We're perfect for each other.

Do you mind if I kiss you right now?

Well, gee, we are on TV,

in front of millions of people. Okay.

[ Musical chime ]

-Oh no. -Oh.

We're out of time? You sure, Freddy?

Damn. I spent too much time with Fred Travalena.

[ Band plays closing music ]

[ Applause ]

-DICK: Joanna, Joanna. -[ Crickets ]

JOANNA: Mmm?

[ Sighs ]

DICK: If--

if you're having a dream that--

that you're really, really enjoying

is-- is there any special technique to--

I-- I don't know, to--

to pinch yourself back into it?

I don't think so, Dick.

Damn it!

[ Sighs ]

Meow.