Original subtitles

Okay, Dick. What's the surprise?

Uh, I finally got rid of my manual typewriter,

and I've stepped into the age...

of high-tech wizardry.

Dick, you got a computer!

No, uh, an-- an electric typewriter.

Oh, wow!

Uh, uh, oh, watch-- watch this.

Before, I used to have to do that by hand.

Now...

Now, I can knock out my books in-- in whiz time.

Dick, you type slowly on the manual.

You're not gonna automatically

leave skid marks with an electric.

Oh, really?

Just watch these keys dance.

The... quick...

brown... fox.

It says, "The quick bran fix."

Oh, so it does.

Yeah, but look how quickly I can X it out.

Hi, Joanna. Where's Dick?

Oh, he'll be back soon, George.

He's registering for a typing class.

Why? He seemed really good at Xing things out.

Hi, everybody.

[ Gunshot noise ]

Yow!

What's with him?

We just came from a Tom Cruise film festival.

Michael was emotionally moved by it,

and now he wants to try to be more like him,

and I said okay.

Yeah, I'm through blendin' into the woodwork.

Yeah!

[ Chuckling ]

Tom Cruise? Does this mean you'll be dancing

in your underwear, Michael?

That was one of Tom's earlier movies, George.

Since then, he's gotten much cockier.

Boy, he is cocky!

Stephanie, you actually like Michael this way?

Joanna, there's nothing more attractive

than a man that's sure of himself.

Hey, when she's right, she's right.

Overconfidence and self-absorption

is the '80s attitude.

Don't you just love it when he's full of himself?

Michael, I'm gonna go upstairs now and buff my nails.

Nail buffing! Yeah!

[ Chuckling ]

Is it just me, or are they getting worse?

So, honey, when does your typing class start?

Uh, Tuesday night.

Oh, and guess who my instructor is?

It's incredible... Mr. Brooney.

Who's Mr. Brooney?

He-- he was my sixth-grade teacher

in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

I-- I-- I haven't seen this guy since--

since I was 11 years old.

"Looney Brooney."

You made up nicknames for your teachers?

That could go on your permanent record.

George, he deserved it.

I mean, at-- at the slightest misbehavior, he'd--

he'd make you put your-- your head down on--

on-- on the desk.

Boy, Dick, sounds like a real sadist.

Honey, the worst thing you can do to

an energetic 11-year-old is--

is... to make him assume the nap position.

Actually, that was my favorite part

of the school day.

Geor-- uh, George, you wouldn't have--

you wouldn't have liked Brooney.

I mean, he'd-- he'd-- he'd call on you

when you didn't have your hand raised,

and, uh-- and he-- he-- when he pass out,

you know, fresh mimeo sheets,

he wouldn't let you smell 'em.

And as if that weren't bad enough,

he-- he flunked me.

You flunked a subject?

Geography.

Just because I didn't remember a--

a couple of state capitals.

Which ones, Dick?

The point is, George, that he flunked me

and he-- he always said

that I-- I'd never amount to anything.

Well, Dick,

if you're this uncomfortable with the man,

maybe you shouldn't take the course.

Honey, are you kidding?

I mean, how many times in your life

do you get a chance to show someone

that they were totally wrong about how you'd turn out?

And this former 11-year-old turned out great.

To get this job I'm after,

I'm hoping to get my speed up to 100 words per minute.

I'm just trying to get from 60 to 80.

I can change a ribbon in a heartbeat.

Mis-- uh, Mr. Brooney?

Yes?

Uh, remember me?

No.

Cu-- Cunningham Elementary?

You went to Cunningham?

Dick Loudon.

Richard Loudon?

You're not still making those armpit noises, are you?

I nev-- I never-- I never made those noises.

That was... somebody else.

Of course it was.

Well, why don't we start, class?

Uh, Richard, why don't you hand out these papers

and make sure nobody smells them.

Good evening. We're all here to become better typists.

Now, you'll see by those handouts

that you will have a test every second day.

I will not tolerate absence or tardiness.

And it is very important to remember posture.

It's important in life as well as in typing.

Don't be late,

sit up straight, matriculate.

Mr. Brooney? Barry Droves.

Will we be getting any homework?

Oh, indeed, there will be homework assigned,

and I want to thank you for reminding me, Barry.

All right, friends.

Back straight.

Elbows above the keys.

Fingers in the home position.

Ready.

Begin.

A, A, A. S, S, S.

D, D, D. A, A, A.

S, S, S. D, D--

Did I see you hunting and pecking?

Well, I-- I...

Yes, you did.

He was hunting and pecking.

I saw him.

I g-- I guess I was.

Richard, I'm not up here for my health.

This is a touch-typing class.

We do not hunt-and-peck here.

Well, in-- I mean, it's just the first day.

Oh, I see you haven't lost your penchant for backtalk, have you?

All right, now, class,

we will continue this exercise

for the remainder of the 90 minutes.

Aw!

Mr. Brooney, aren't-- aren't we gonna get a break?

Mr. Seflo's class gets a break.

If Mr. Seflo's class decided to jump off a cliff,

I suppose you'd tag right along behind them, eh?

Not me, Mr. Brooney.

He hasn't changed. He's still Looney Brooney.

What was that, Richard?

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, no-- uh, nothing.

You sure it wasn't something you'd like to share

with the whole class?

I d-- I don't-- I don't think-- think so.

Well, since Richard seems to be showing us his...

stubborn side,

I suppose the entire class will have to suffer.

All right, everyone put their heads down on their desk.

This-- this is ridiculous.

We're-- we're adults here.

What-- what are you doing?

Richard, are you going to be the one that keeps

the class here even longer, by disobeying?

Mr. Brooney?

Did you notice I put my head down first?

Joanna?

I'm troubled.

Could I talk to you... girl to woman?

Who can resist an offer like that?

I'm not sure I'm crazy about Michael this new cocky way.

I never realized it before, but the sound "Yow"

can really grate on you.

Well, why don't you just tell Michael that you

want him to go back to the...

...normal Michael.

But I'm the one who encouraged him.

If I told him to stop, it would be like admitting I was...

wrong.

Which Michael would refuse to believe,

so he'd never listen to me anyway.

Have no fear...

your Top Gun is here.

Hey...

That rhymed. Yow!

[ Chuckling ]

You know, Steph, this new,

"Hey, look me over" attitude is going over big.

You know, Michael, uh, a lot of people feel

that a touch of humility is an attractive trait, too.

Ooh.

That's profound.

You made me think.

Come on, Steph, I wanna try out my new strut.

Uh, Joanna, it's nearly 8 o'clock.

Has Dick left for his typing class yet?

Oh, Dick, you're gonna be late for school.

DICK: Uh, I'm not-- I'm not, uh-- I'm not going to school.

I-- I have-- I have a, uh-- I have a stomach ache.

Dick!

Uh, Joanna, it-- it really,

uh, really, really, really hurts.

[ Clears throat ]

Dick, you're an adult now.

You don't have to make up silly excuses.

Oh, good.

'Ca-- 'cause I hate school.

I feel like I'm back in the-- in the sixth grade again.

I mean, I-- I don't care if I type

three words a minute-- I'm-- I'm--

I'm quitting school.

Dick, don't! You'll wind up pumping gas.

George, I already have a career.

Yeah, until they hear about this drop-out thing.

Dick, you can quit,

but won't it always bother you

that Mr. Brooney still thinks you haven't made it?

Well...

Look,

why don't you invite Mr. Brooney over

for dinner and show him

how successful you turned out?

I think once you get Mr. Brooney in social situation, he'll...

loosen up.

He's probably a decent man.

I doubt it.

But I'll-- I'll-- I'll give it a try.

A teacher? Coming here?

I'd better go to my room and bone up on my phonics.

[ Hoarse ] Steph, your--

your major muchacho is here.

Would you tell her, Dick?

Stephanie, Michael's here!

Thanks for taking all the charm out of it, Dick.

Hi, Michael.

Bad news, Steph.

I-- I-- I went a "Yah!" too far.

Michael.

Maybe we should take this...

as a sign.

Of what?

Of this whole thing being a really, really stupid idea.

But I thought you liked me like that.

Michael, you know what I liked best

about Tom Cruise's cockiness?

It only lasted 90 minutes.

You mean, you like me better like this?

Humble and hoarse?

Well, humble. I hate hoarse.

Steph, you want humble, you've got it.

Aw.

The old mod-- modest Michael is back.

Yah! Last one, Steph.

[ Clears throat ]

How, uh... how do I look?

I give you an A.

Oh, uh, Mist-- Mr. Brooney.

Oh, no. I've got gum.

Mr. Brooney, this is my wife Joanna and--

and this is our handyman, George Utley.

-Hello. -Well, I'm pleased to meet you.

Oh, that is an exceptionally fine wine.

Well, uh, thank you.

Since-- since you were a teacher,

we didn't know if we should serve chardonnay

or uh, uh, milk and cookies.

[ Chuckles ]

Please sit down.

Well, thank you very much for inviting me over.

I am new in this area, and I--

well, I don't get out much socially.

Oh, you're not from these parts?

No. As a matter of fact, I was brought up

in Delaware.

Delaware.

I've always wanted to visit there.

I'd especially like to see its state capital, Dover.

That's very good, George.

And after visiting Delaware, I would like to visit

its neighbor to the west, Maryland.

Its state capital is Annapolis.

-And its chief export... -Okay, George. Okay.

Well, I really should be going.

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Brooney.

Uh, uh, may I be excused?

George, you don't have to ask permission.

Oh, oh, it doesn't hurt. No, no.

You may go, George.

Seems like a nice guy to me, Dick.

Well, I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.

Tell me, Richard, how are you feeling?

Um, fine.

Really remarkable recovery,

since you were so terribly sick,

you couldn't make it to school yesterday.

Exactly what was wrong?

I, uh-- I had-- I had a stomach ache.

Seems to me you used to have a lot

of stomach aches.

You're not playing hooky again, are you?

No-- uh, no.

Tell me,

did he have a stomach ache yesterday?

Yes.

Uh, Mr. Brooney,

it may interest you to know that after sixth grade,

Dick became an executive in advertising.

- Huh. -Uh--huh.

And then he left that and went on

to become a very successful how-to writer.

Well, that's certainly very interesting.

You know, your classmate, Craig Shumway,

stuck it out in advertising.

Now he's the president of his own agency.

Craig-- Craig Shumway was-- was the one who made...

the armpit noises.

Uh, hon-- honey, why don't you show Mr. Brooney

some of your books?

-Oh, uh, good-- good idea. -Yes.

I'm, uh...

particularly proud of this-- of this one.

Uh-huh.

My, my, my, Richard.

The first page I open,

and already I read two run-on sentences.

Oh, no. C minus.

C minus?

Uh, has-- has Dick told you about his television show?

Television is bubble gum for the mind.

Have-- haven't I impressed you with anything I've done?

No.

And I am particularly unimpressed

with this little charade.

What's-- what-- what charade?

Inviting me to dinner just to get a better grade.

It didn't work when you left that pecan log

after I flunked you in Geography,

and it is not working now.

I-- I never-- I never gave you a-- a pecan log.

That-- that was-- that was Craig Shumway, too.

Oh, Richard.

I should think by now you would have learned

that squealers never prosper.

I prospered!

Okay, are you with me?

I'm in.

-I'm in. -I'm in.

I'm telling.

All right, what we're gonna do is finally stand up

to Mr. Brooney and-- and not let him

intimidate us with his-- his hickory stick mentality.

Okay, let's get him. But how?

I got it.

What if we don't put our names

in the upper left-hand corner?

I-- I was thinking of something a--

a little stronger.

I think we can do a lot to this guy,

but after our grades are in.

Look, Brooney has-- has been, uh,

tyrannizing students for 40 years now.

What I think we oughta do is the next time

he doles out one of those demeaning punishments,

that-- that we should flat out refuse to do it.

Well, are you with me?

[ Door opening ]

Good evening, class.

Tonight we will be covering vertical centering.

Please turn to page 47

and each of you try to center your own name.

Ready? Begin.

[ Paper squeaks ]

What was that horrible sound?

Did I hear someone try to pull their paper out

without using the paper release lever?

That, uh--

that would-- that would be me.

Well, Richard, since you don't seem to be

very familiar with the rules,

perhaps you ought to type,

"I will always use my paper release lever"

100 times.

I'm-- I'm not-- I'm not going to do it.

Well, since Richard is not going to do what he's told,

I'm afraid it's going to cost the class

an additional problem.

Everyone put their heads down on their desks.

We're-- we're not going to do it.

Richard... here are two dimes.

Now, I want you to call your mother and tell her

that there is serious doubt you will ever become

a touch typist.

I-- I'm not going to call my mother.

I'm not going to put my head down on the desk.

I'm here-- here to learn typing and...

so is everyone else.

Well, it seems to me as if Richard is just bringing

still more trouble onto the class.

Maybe we'd all enjoy a pop quiz.

[ Groaning ]

Chapter 18: formatting a legal document.

But Mr. Brooney, we never covered that.

Ready?

Fingers in their home position.

[ Keys pound ]

[ Keys pound, rhythmically ]

Do I hear hunting and pecking?

Um, Mr. Brooney?

Yes, Richard?

I'm, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

Sorry about the little-- little revolt.

Yeah.

All-- all we were trying to do with--

with the, uh-- with the disobedience and the--

and the rhythmic typing

and the-- the panting of Barry was...

was to-- to prove that we were adults.

I-- I mean, it was bad enough

when you treated me like a kid

when-- when I was a kid.

I've had some time to think while I was huddled

in the cloakroom.

Maybe I have been unfair, too rigid with my students.

Maybe it took this coup to bring all that home.

It's almost-- almost worth the 40 year wait.

And I may have been particularly...

hard on you.

I mean, when I flunked you in Geography,

maybe you thought that was unfair, Richard.

Well, just...

Totally.

Well, maybe-- maybe it was.

But I do appreciate what you have done here. Yes, I do.

And I've really enjoyed our little talk...

Dick.

Thank you.

Of course, I'm still going to flunk you.

What?

But that-- that-- that's not fair!

No backtalk, Richard.

Looney Brooney!

What?

Looney Brooney! Looney Brooney!

Meow.