All language subtitles for Newhart S05E22

No, I'm-- I'm sorry. We
don't allow pets.

Yes, I-- I just heard
Sparky whimper,

but I'm-- I'm not gonna
change my mind.

Well, uh, uh, same to you, lady.

Boy, do I have news!

What-- what-- what is it,
George?

I was just savoring the moment,
Dick.

Dick, I found a rock!

George, you-- you should have
told me to sit down for this.

No, it's not just any rock. It
looks like a giant duck!

Oh, you-- you mean, uh, like
a rock formation.

Dick, will you let me
tell my own news?

I was walking in
Stoney Ridge Woods

near the stream, when I saw it.

It's something I've been
looking for all my life:

a rock that looks
like something!

And now I've found it. A duck,
Dick!

And the best part is, when you
find one of these,

you get to name it.

How 'bout, uh, Duck Rock?

Well, I already thought of that,
Dick,

but I'm afraid people will hear
it like, "Duck! Rock!"

It's not gonna be easy
coming up with a name.

Now I know what God
went through.

Great news, everybody!

Dick, you're the only
one I've told.

This news rated four "oohs"

on the Stephanie
Excitement scale.

[ Giggles ]

That's the most since-- Well,
never mind.

Uh, this guy right here,
yours truly,

has a network job interview.

So, Dick, what do you say?

Ooh!

I knew you'd be excited.

I take off for Gotham tomorrow,
and then my career takes off.

Well, Michael, I guess this is a
big day for both of us.

Really? What's going on
with you, George?

I found a rock that
looks like a duck.

Yeah, sounds like we're
neck-and-neck.

What-- what network would
possibly want--?

Um, how did this come about?

Well, this big
programming honcho

was on a ski weekend in Vermont,

caught some of my stuff on 'PIV
and flipped his pancakes.

Yes, and now Michael and I get
to go to New York

and live happily ever after.
[ Laughs ]

Well, Steph, I have to
get the job first.

You will, Michael.

Well, good luck on
the interview.

Thanks, Dick. I think
I'll do just fine.

I've been boning up on
my buzzwords,

you know, so I'll fit right in
with this web guy.

Uh, "web guy"?

Network exec.

All I have to do is work
"audience flow"

and "confab power breakfast"
into the conversation,

and that job's mine.

Boy, I'd hate to be a fly on the
wall in that office.

Mr. Taylor will be
right with you.

Can I get you anything?

How about the job? [ Laughs ]

Wow! An actual network
scheduling board!

Yeah. That's better.

Wow! An actual network award!

I just wanna thank
everyone who had--

Are you Michael Harris?

Uh, that depends.

On what?

On whether this was
broken before or not.

[ Laughs ] Don't worry. It was.

[ Sighs in relief ]

I would've sent it back
to the Academy,

but I didn't wanna
give 'em a chance

to have any second thoughts.

[ Laughs ]

Michael Harris.

It's an honor to meet you,

Mr. Taylor, Vice President,
Current Programs.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't have to be
quite so formal.

Oh, well, I heard you
guys really get off

on hearing your titles.

It's all right, really.

Oh, I-- I made a couple changes.

So I noticed.

And don't worry, I'll
remember what they were.

By the way, I could
help but glancing

at the ratings on your desk, and
may I say congratulations,

you really creamed that chuffa
chuffa news special last night.

I feel kinda bad about that.

I watched that news special.

It was good. I wish more
people had seen it.

Don't worry. That won't
leave this room.

Michael, why don't you tell me a
little about yourself?

Could I tell you a lot about
myself instead? [ Chuckles ]

Well, I'm-- I'm young, I'm
eager, and boyishly handsome,

or so I'm told,

and, well, uh, I've always
wanted to be a web exec.

A what?

A network executive.

Oh. Right.

And believe me, if it turns
out you're my boss,

I'll suck up to you like
nobody's business.

I wouldn't want you to do that.

Are you sure? I'm good at it.

What interested me about you is
that you seem to be

quite a good TV producer, based
on the Vermont Today I saw.

You are the producer of Vermont
Today, aren't you?

Right-aroony. [ Chuckles ]

I don't have a lot to
work with up there,

but I have done some shows that
I'm pretty proud of.

I should think you'd be very
proud of the Vermont Today

you did with that
90-year-old Indian woman.

Really?

Actually, I didn't pay a whole
lot of attention to that one,

but did you see the one where we
had the belly dancer

doing a cooking demonstration?

Uh, I'd say that added a little
spice to the recipe.

No, I-- I didn't see that one.

Well, I-- I could get a
copy for you,

if I can get the original
back from the crew.

Actually, Michael, if you
could do another show

like the one with the
Indian woman,

I just might be able to find a
place for you here.

Wow. Would I get my own board?

[ Chuckles ] We can always use
someone who can bring

intelligence, warmth and human
values to television.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're saying you
want that stuff?

Yes. Very much.

Then, I'm your man.

Oh, George, how'd it go?

Do you have a name for your
rock formation?

No. Nobody else on the
rock-naming committee

thought it looked like a duck.

Joanna, you should see it.

It looks like President
Coolidge with a crewcut.

No, it doesn't. It
looks like a moose.

Jim!

Why don't you just admit

it looks like a scrunched up
tube of toothpaste?

What did you think it
looked like, honey?

Wait'll you hear this.

I-- I think it looked
like a rock.

Some imagination, huh?

Dick, since you didn't see
anything at all,

you're off the committee.

And, George, I'm afraid we can't
officially name the rock

unless at least two people agree
on what it looks like.

We could get in serious trouble.

From-- from whom?

Dick, aren't you forgetting
you're off the committee?

Sure seems like it.

I'm sorry, George.

If you get any new ideas about
what it looks like,

you let us know.

I still say if you woulda
squinted your eyes

like I told ya,

you woulda seen the toothpaste.

All I can say is, I'm gonna
keep going out there

'til we get an official
name for that rock.

You'll let me know if this
starts affecting my work,

right, Dick?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Stephanie, would you
come and tell me

what you think the
rock looks like?

Isn't that in a woodsy place, as
in bugs and twigs,

as in someplace I'd rather
be dead than go?

Yeah.

I think not.

Dick, why couldn't you just have
agreed with George,

said it looked like a duck?

Joanna, I have to call 'em
like I see 'em.

Michael!

Michael, when I kiss you, you're
supposed to kiss me back.

I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss
and pout at the same time.

How-- how was the interview?

Horrible. I didn't even get to
use any of my buzzwords.

You mean they don't
wanna hire you?

It's not my fault, Steph.

There's a strange new
thinking at the network

that frightens me.

They're looking for
quality programs.

That is scary.

It's almost like
they're thinking

art is more important
than ratings.

All my life I wanted to be a
network executive,

and then something like
this happens.

You know, strange,

sick-thinking people
get into power.

Steph, I think this is where
you're supposed to try

and console me.

You? What about me?

Now I don't get to
go to New York

and live in my natural habitat.

You're right. Dick, what say you
console the both of us?

What say no.

Do you realize what this means?
I have no place to go.

I'm ready to burst
onto the scene,

but there's no scene
to burst onto.

I'm never gonna get
outta this town.

Oh, come on, Michael.
Nobody wants that.

I'll live here year after year,

and pretty soon I'll
become like George.

[ Gasps ]

And I'll wear plaid
shirts and overalls

with those pockets with
the tools in them,

and I'll-- and I'll dedicate my
life to puttering.

Michael, no!

Oh, Steph, there's no future
for me in television

if all they want is good stuff.

So do good stuff!

Huh?

Well, you could do quality
shows. Right, Dick?

Well, uh-- well.

Do you mean that, Dick?

All-- all-- all I said was,
"Well".

Yeah, but it's better than
a flat-out "no".

Well--

You said it again. You must
really believe it.

Thanks for the confidence, Dick.
That's all I need.

If it's quality they want, it's
quality they're gonna get.

I'm gonna become Mr. Quality.

I'm gonna show that
network honcho,

then I'm gonna be a
network honcho!

Ooh, Michael!

And I'm never gonna be you!

How-- how was the movie?

Pretty good.

What-- what was it about?

We're not sure.

I think to fully understand it,

you're supposed to read
the subtitles.

Why-- why didn't you?

Come on, Dick.

They didn't even have a bouncing
ball to guide you.

So what are we doing tomorrow,
Michael?

Well, we've got the Museum
of Natural History,

followed by a night
at the opera.

The Marx Brothers?

No, Pavarotti-shaped men.

Michael, if we keep up
this quality stuff,

is it gonna change what made us
so great in the first place?

Don't worry, Steph.

This newfound depth is
only skin-deep.

And, you know, Dick,

I think I finally got a handle
on this quality thing.

What do you say we, uh, go over
a couple of my ideas

for what will most likely be my
last Vermont Today?

Well, with a-- an
incentive like that--

First off, Dick,

I thought we trash the old
Vermont Today theme

and go with something classical.

Michael, that's-- All right.
That sounds okay.

I, uh, bought this
classical cassette,

and I think I found just the
right selection.

[ Tchaikovsky disco remix ]

[ 1812 Overture disco remix ]

You know, people keep talking
about these classical composers

like they were
high-brow artists.

But listen to this.

This is the most commercial
stuff I've ever heard.

Obviously, all they were
thinking about back then

was dance, dance, dance.

Michael, that's not the way
that's really supposed to sound.

You mean there's
another version?

Yes.

Well, sounds like another
case of the remake

being better than the original.

Anyway, then I thought I'd have
you introduced by a group

of local cheerleaders.

Michael--

Wait, Dick, here's the twist.
They're cheering in Latin.

Gimme an "E", gimme
a "pluribus".

And then you come on and
tell this joke.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and
Vivaldi go into a bar?

Dick, aren't you curious what
happens to that trio?

Michael, I don't think
you have a handle

on this quality thing yet.

You're not serious?

Michael, you-- you can't slap
a-- a-- a quality element on--

on a schlocky idea

and expect to come up with a--
with a quality show.

How come?

Michael, all you need for
a quality show

is an interesting guest and
the right questions.

I mean, it can be
anywhere from a--

an astronomer
talking about the--

the mysteries of the
universe to a--

to-- to a kid explaining what he
wants to be when he grows up.

Dick, I think I've
got the secret.

When I start to lose interest,
that means it's good.

Michael, if-- if that
works for you--

Oh, Dick, thanks. All I gotta
do is go out there,

find a guest who bores me silly,
and I've got my showcase show!

Sorry, George.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What-- what did you think
it looked like?

A bowl of fruit.

Boy, this town wouldn't have a
prayer on The Match Game.

Why didn't you just say it
looked like a duck?

Well, I wanted to,

but what George thought looked
like the duck's head

to me looked just like a pear.

Sorry, George.

Hey, either you see the webbed
feet or you don't.

You know, I'm starting to
wish I'd never found

that duck, fruit, Coolidge,
toothpaste rock.

That doesn't have a ring to it,
does it, Dick?

Uh, George, maybe-- maybe you
oughta call it Changing Rock.

Dick, that's it! Changing Rock!
Joanna!

Oh, I think it's beneficial
to the constituency

to be able to hear me in
this kind of forum.

And don't worry.

I promise I won't turn it
into a filibuster.

Well, Dick, this senator guy

seems like the perfect
quality guest.

Not only does he bore me silly,

but so far I haven't
understood a word he said.

Senator Wells, it's a pleasure.

Same here.

Michael.

Senator Wells is a great choice.

It's gonna be a great show.

Now, did you tell the,
uh-- the announcer

to lose the phony
British accent?

Yeah.

But I still think it wouldn't
hurt for you to let me

just add a little gray
to your temples.

Michael, you don't need that.

You've got quality people. It's
gonna be a quality show.

Well, thank you, Senator Wells,

and thank you for
watching Vermont Today.

[ Applause ]

And thank you.

That was about the best
interview I've ever had.

And I have been interviewed by
all the top newsmen.

Feel free to mention that on
the Senate floor.

Dick, congratulations. That was
a great half hour of television.

Where-- where's Michael?

He's gotta be ecstatic
about this show.

I don't know. He left.

He-- he left during the show?

Come on, Dick. It's not
that unusual.

I wanted to leave
plenty of times.

Did-- did he say where
he was going?

I think someone heard him
say "nowhere".

[ Knock on the door ]

Michael?

Don't you mean "George"?

Michael, why'd you leave? You
got your quality show.

It's one of the best Vermont
Todays we've ever done.

Don't you mean you've ever done?

Michael, you-- you produced it.

Come on, Dick. You did it all.

The only question you
used of mine was,

"As a grown man, does it feel
weird being on recess?".

Well, you know, it turned
out kind of cute.

Right. But I thought
it was deep.

Oh, Dick. The best thing you can
say about my contribution

to today's show

is that I didn't ruin it.

Michael, a few days ago you were
satisfied with "well".

Let's face it. I
can't do quality.

I don't have any
instinct for it.

I don't-- I don't even like it.

I mean, it would be morally
wrong for me to take the job.

Besides, I could probably only
bluff 'em a couple of days

before they canned me.

And to be honest, I--

I don't think I could ever
really be happy

doing a show that didn't have
a catchy theme song

that explained the premise.

So... there goes my shot
at the big time.

You know, I always wanted to
go out in the world

and make my mark, but I--

I guess this is it.

I guess this is as far
as I make it.

Well, it's-- I mean, is
this-- is this so bad?

Well, I think I'd always
consider myself a failure

if I stayed here.

See this?

Ah, my first official
act as handyman

was to take down my
short-term/long-term goal board.

You want it?

Michael, you'll
still have goals.

Right. Maybe I could
cross out "Run CBS"

and write "Get Overalls".

Michael, you're young. It-- it--
it was just one interview.

Sometimes that's all you get,
Dick.

You know, I always loved TV.

I mean, it was always
there for me.

Those times when I didn't
have a lot of friends

or a special girlfriend,

TV always provided them for me.

My father used to say it was
a vast wasteland.

But to me, it had it all.

And I guess I just really always
wanted to be a part of it.

Now I never will be.

Michael, I think you're missing
an important fact here.

Your kind of shows, the
shows that you like,

are-- are gonna come back.

You're just saying that to
make me feel better.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Uh, television always runs
in-- in cycles.

Re-- remember back in the '70s,
that-- that--

that great lineup, uh,

All in the Family, M*A*S*H, Mary
Tyler Moore, The--

The Carol Burnett Show.

Dick, don't remind me.

And how about that show with the
shrink who stuttered?

Well, stammered.

But-- but, Michael, what-- what
came on after that

a-- a few years later?

Uh, think. A better clue would
be "don't think".

Three's Company.

Right. What else?

Manimal.

Supertrain. Sheriff Lobo.

Hello, Larry.

Yeah! Dick, you're right!

This stupid golden age of
television can't last forever,

and when it's over, I'll be
there, leading the way!

Michael, I don't doubt it.

Oh, Dick, thanks.

Don't thank me.

You're right. Maybe I should
thank the American people.

But I should thank you, too.

I mean, you didn't have to
come over here.

You know, with friends like you,

maybe this wouldn't be such a
bad place to stay after all.

Michael, uh, I think you
forgot something.

Besides, you'd, uh-- you'd
make a bad George.

I-- I feel like celebrating.

Would you join me, Dick?

Sure. Where do you wanna go?

Well, how about, uh, in
front of the TV?