Original subtitles

No, I'm-- I'm sorry. We don't allow pets.

Yes, I-- I just heard Sparky whimper,

but I'm-- I'm not gonna change my mind.

Well, uh, uh, same to you, lady.

Boy, do I have news!

What-- what-- what is it, George?

I was just savoring the moment, Dick.

Dick, I found a rock!

George, you-- you should have told me to sit down for this.

No, it's not just any rock. It looks like a giant duck!

Oh, you-- you mean, uh, like a rock formation.

Dick, will you let me tell my own news?

I was walking in Stoney Ridge Woods

near the stream, when I saw it.

It's something I've been looking for all my life:

a rock that looks like something!

And now I've found it. A duck, Dick!

And the best part is, when you find one of these,

you get to name it.

How 'bout, uh, Duck Rock?

Well, I already thought of that, Dick,

but I'm afraid people will hear it like, "Duck! Rock!"

It's not gonna be easy coming up with a name.

Now I know what God went through.

Great news, everybody!

Dick, you're the only one I've told.

This news rated four "oohs"

on the Stephanie Excitement scale.

[ Giggles ]

That's the most since-- Well, never mind.

Uh, this guy right here, yours truly,

has a network job interview.

So, Dick, what do you say?

Ooh!

I knew you'd be excited.

I take off for Gotham tomorrow, and then my career takes off.

Well, Michael, I guess this is a big day for both of us.

Really? What's going on with you, George?

I found a rock that looks like a duck.

Yeah, sounds like we're neck-and-neck.

What-- what network would possibly want--?

Um, how did this come about?

Well, this big programming honcho

was on a ski weekend in Vermont,

caught some of my stuff on 'PIV and flipped his pancakes.

Yes, and now Michael and I get to go to New York

and live happily ever after. [ Laughs ]

Well, Steph, I have to get the job first.

You will, Michael.

Well, good luck on the interview.

Thanks, Dick. I think I'll do just fine.

I've been boning up on my buzzwords,

you know, so I'll fit right in with this web guy.

Uh, "web guy"?

Network exec.

All I have to do is work "audience flow"

and "confab power breakfast" into the conversation,

and that job's mine.

Boy, I'd hate to be a fly on the wall in that office.

Mr. Taylor will be right with you.

Can I get you anything?

How about the job? [ Laughs ]

Wow! An actual network scheduling board!

Yeah. That's better.

Wow! An actual network award!

I just wanna thank everyone who had--

Are you Michael Harris?

Uh, that depends.

On what?

On whether this was broken before or not.

[ Laughs ] Don't worry. It was.

[ Sighs in relief ]

I would've sent it back to the Academy,

but I didn't wanna give 'em a chance

to have any second thoughts.

[ Laughs ]

Michael Harris.

It's an honor to meet you,

Mr. Taylor, Vice President, Current Programs.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't have to be quite so formal.

Oh, well, I heard you guys really get off

on hearing your titles.

It's all right, really.

Oh, I-- I made a couple changes.

So I noticed.

And don't worry, I'll remember what they were.

By the way, I could help but glancing

at the ratings on your desk, and may I say congratulations,

you really creamed that chuffa chuffa news special last night.

I feel kinda bad about that.

I watched that news special.

It was good. I wish more people had seen it.

Don't worry. That won't leave this room.

Michael, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

Could I tell you a lot about myself instead? [ Chuckles ]

Well, I'm-- I'm young, I'm eager, and boyishly handsome,

or so I'm told,

and, well, uh, I've always wanted to be a web exec.

A what?

A network executive.

Oh. Right.

And believe me, if it turns out you're my boss,

I'll suck up to you like nobody's business.

I wouldn't want you to do that.

Are you sure? I'm good at it.

What interested me about you is that you seem to be

quite a good TV producer, based on the Vermont Today I saw.

You are the producer of Vermont Today, aren't you?

Right-aroony. [ Chuckles ]

I don't have a lot to work with up there,

but I have done some shows that I'm pretty proud of.

I should think you'd be very proud of the Vermont Today

you did with that 90-year-old Indian woman.

Really?

Actually, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to that one,

but did you see the one where we had the belly dancer

doing a cooking demonstration?

Uh, I'd say that added a little spice to the recipe.

No, I-- I didn't see that one.

Well, I-- I could get a copy for you,

if I can get the original back from the crew.

Actually, Michael, if you could do another show

like the one with the Indian woman,

I just might be able to find a place for you here.

Wow. Would I get my own board?

[ Chuckles ] We can always use someone who can bring

intelligence, warmth and human values to television.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're saying you want that stuff?

Yes. Very much.

Then, I'm your man.

Oh, George, how'd it go?

Do you have a name for your rock formation?

No. Nobody else on the rock-naming committee

thought it looked like a duck.

Joanna, you should see it.

It looks like President Coolidge with a crewcut.

No, it doesn't. It looks like a moose.

Jim!

Why don't you just admit

it looks like a scrunched up tube of toothpaste?

What did you think it looked like, honey?

Wait'll you hear this.

I-- I think it looked like a rock.

Some imagination, huh?

Dick, since you didn't see anything at all,

you're off the committee.

And, George, I'm afraid we can't officially name the rock

unless at least two people agree on what it looks like.

We could get in serious trouble.

From-- from whom?

Dick, aren't you forgetting you're off the committee?

Sure seems like it.

I'm sorry, George.

If you get any new ideas about what it looks like,

you let us know.

I still say if you woulda squinted your eyes

like I told ya,

you woulda seen the toothpaste.

All I can say is, I'm gonna keep going out there

'til we get an official name for that rock.

You'll let me know if this starts affecting my work,

right, Dick?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Stephanie, would you come and tell me

what you think the rock looks like?

Isn't that in a woodsy place, as in bugs and twigs,

as in someplace I'd rather be dead than go?

Yeah.

I think not.

Dick, why couldn't you just have agreed with George,

said it looked like a duck?

Joanna, I have to call 'em like I see 'em.

Michael!

Michael, when I kiss you, you're supposed to kiss me back.

I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss and pout at the same time.

How-- how was the interview?

Horrible. I didn't even get to use any of my buzzwords.

You mean they don't wanna hire you?

It's not my fault, Steph.

There's a strange new thinking at the network

that frightens me.

They're looking for quality programs.

That is scary.

It's almost like they're thinking

art is more important than ratings.

All my life I wanted to be a network executive,

and then something like this happens.

You know, strange,

sick-thinking people get into power.

Steph, I think this is where you're supposed to try

and console me.

You? What about me?

Now I don't get to go to New York

and live in my natural habitat.

You're right. Dick, what say you console the both of us?

What say no.

Do you realize what this means? I have no place to go.

I'm ready to burst onto the scene,

but there's no scene to burst onto.

I'm never gonna get outta this town.

Oh, come on, Michael. Nobody wants that.

I'll live here year after year,

and pretty soon I'll become like George.

[ Gasps ]

And I'll wear plaid shirts and overalls

with those pockets with the tools in them,

and I'll-- and I'll dedicate my life to puttering.

Michael, no!

Oh, Steph, there's no future for me in television

if all they want is good stuff.

So do good stuff!

Huh?

Well, you could do quality shows. Right, Dick?

Well, uh-- well.

Do you mean that, Dick?

All-- all-- all I said was, "Well".

Yeah, but it's better than a flat-out "no".

Well--

You said it again. You must really believe it.

Thanks for the confidence, Dick. That's all I need.

If it's quality they want, it's quality they're gonna get.

I'm gonna become Mr. Quality.

I'm gonna show that network honcho,

then I'm gonna be a network honcho!

Ooh, Michael!

And I'm never gonna be you!

How-- how was the movie?

Pretty good.

What-- what was it about?

We're not sure.

I think to fully understand it,

you're supposed to read the subtitles.

Why-- why didn't you?

Come on, Dick.

They didn't even have a bouncing ball to guide you.

So what are we doing tomorrow, Michael?

Well, we've got the Museum of Natural History,

followed by a night at the opera.

The Marx Brothers?

No, Pavarotti-shaped men.

Michael, if we keep up this quality stuff,

is it gonna change what made us so great in the first place?

Don't worry, Steph.

This newfound depth is only skin-deep.

And, you know, Dick,

I think I finally got a handle on this quality thing.

What do you say we, uh, go over a couple of my ideas

for what will most likely be my last Vermont Today?

Well, with a-- an incentive like that--

First off, Dick,

I thought we trash the old Vermont Today theme

and go with something classical.

Michael, that's-- All right. That sounds okay.

I, uh, bought this classical cassette,

and I think I found just the right selection.

[ Tchaikovsky disco remix ]

[ 1812 Overture disco remix ]

You know, people keep talking about these classical composers

like they were high-brow artists.

But listen to this.

This is the most commercial stuff I've ever heard.

Obviously, all they were thinking about back then

was dance, dance, dance.

Michael, that's not the way that's really supposed to sound.

You mean there's another version?

Yes.

Well, sounds like another case of the remake

being better than the original.

Anyway, then I thought I'd have you introduced by a group

of local cheerleaders.

Michael--

Wait, Dick, here's the twist. They're cheering in Latin.

Gimme an "E", gimme a "pluribus".

And then you come on and tell this joke.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and Vivaldi go into a bar?

Dick, aren't you curious what happens to that trio?

Michael, I don't think you have a handle

on this quality thing yet.

You're not serious?

Michael, you-- you can't slap a-- a-- a quality element on--

on a schlocky idea

and expect to come up with a-- with a quality show.

How come?

Michael, all you need for a quality show

is an interesting guest and the right questions.

I mean, it can be anywhere from a--

an astronomer talking about the--

the mysteries of the universe to a--

to-- to a kid explaining what he wants to be when he grows up.

Dick, I think I've got the secret.

When I start to lose interest, that means it's good.

Michael, if-- if that works for you--

Oh, Dick, thanks. All I gotta do is go out there,

find a guest who bores me silly, and I've got my showcase show!

Sorry, George.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What-- what did you think it looked like?

A bowl of fruit.

Boy, this town wouldn't have a prayer on The Match Game.

Why didn't you just say it looked like a duck?

Well, I wanted to,

but what George thought looked like the duck's head

to me looked just like a pear.

Sorry, George.

Hey, either you see the webbed feet or you don't.

You know, I'm starting to wish I'd never found

that duck, fruit, Coolidge, toothpaste rock.

That doesn't have a ring to it, does it, Dick?

Uh, George, maybe-- maybe you oughta call it Changing Rock.

Dick, that's it! Changing Rock! Joanna!

Oh, I think it's beneficial to the constituency

to be able to hear me in this kind of forum.

And don't worry.

I promise I won't turn it into a filibuster.

Well, Dick, this senator guy

seems like the perfect quality guest.

Not only does he bore me silly,

but so far I haven't understood a word he said.

Senator Wells, it's a pleasure.

Same here.

Michael.

Senator Wells is a great choice.

It's gonna be a great show.

Now, did you tell the, uh-- the announcer

to lose the phony British accent?

Yeah.

But I still think it wouldn't hurt for you to let me

just add a little gray to your temples.

Michael, you don't need that.

You've got quality people. It's gonna be a quality show.

Well, thank you, Senator Wells,

and thank you for watching Vermont Today.

[ Applause ]

And thank you.

That was about the best interview I've ever had.

And I have been interviewed by all the top newsmen.

Feel free to mention that on the Senate floor.

Dick, congratulations. That was a great half hour of television.

Where-- where's Michael?

He's gotta be ecstatic about this show.

I don't know. He left.

He-- he left during the show?

Come on, Dick. It's not that unusual.

I wanted to leave plenty of times.

Did-- did he say where he was going?

I think someone heard him say "nowhere".

[ Knock on the door ]

Michael?

Don't you mean "George"?

Michael, why'd you leave? You got your quality show.

It's one of the best Vermont Todays we've ever done.

Don't you mean you've ever done?

Michael, you-- you produced it.

Come on, Dick. You did it all.

The only question you used of mine was,

"As a grown man, does it feel weird being on recess?".

Well, you know, it turned out kind of cute.

Right. But I thought it was deep.

Oh, Dick. The best thing you can say about my contribution

to today's show

is that I didn't ruin it.

Michael, a few days ago you were satisfied with "well".

Let's face it. I can't do quality.

I don't have any instinct for it.

I don't-- I don't even like it.

I mean, it would be morally wrong for me to take the job.

Besides, I could probably only bluff 'em a couple of days

before they canned me.

And to be honest, I--

I don't think I could ever really be happy

doing a show that didn't have a catchy theme song

that explained the premise.

So... there goes my shot at the big time.

You know, I always wanted to go out in the world

and make my mark, but I--

I guess this is it.

I guess this is as far as I make it.

Well, it's-- I mean, is this-- is this so bad?

Well, I think I'd always consider myself a failure

if I stayed here.

See this?

Ah, my first official act as handyman

was to take down my short-term/long-term goal board.

You want it?

Michael, you'll still have goals.

Right. Maybe I could cross out "Run CBS"

and write "Get Overalls".

Michael, you're young. It-- it-- it was just one interview.

Sometimes that's all you get, Dick.

You know, I always loved TV.

I mean, it was always there for me.

Those times when I didn't have a lot of friends

or a special girlfriend,

TV always provided them for me.

My father used to say it was a vast wasteland.

But to me, it had it all.

And I guess I just really always wanted to be a part of it.

Now I never will be.

Michael, I think you're missing an important fact here.

Your kind of shows, the shows that you like,

are-- are gonna come back.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Uh, television always runs in-- in cycles.

Re-- remember back in the '70s, that-- that--

that great lineup, uh,

All in the Family, M*A*S*H, Mary Tyler Moore, The--

The Carol Burnett Show.

Dick, don't remind me.

And how about that show with the shrink who stuttered?

Well, stammered.

But-- but, Michael, what-- what came on after that

a-- a few years later?

Uh, think. A better clue would be "don't think".

Three's Company.

Right. What else?

Manimal.

Supertrain. Sheriff Lobo.

Hello, Larry.

Yeah! Dick, you're right!

This stupid golden age of television can't last forever,

and when it's over, I'll be there, leading the way!

Michael, I don't doubt it.

Oh, Dick, thanks.

Don't thank me.

You're right. Maybe I should thank the American people.

But I should thank you, too.

I mean, you didn't have to come over here.

You know, with friends like you,

maybe this wouldn't be such a bad place to stay after all.

Michael, uh, I think you forgot something.

Besides, you'd, uh-- you'd make a bad George.

I-- I feel like celebrating.

Would you join me, Dick?

Sure. Where do you wanna go?

Well, how about, uh, in front of the TV?