Original subtitles

Joanna, this is ridiculous.

You-- you can't still be mad at me over this.

I can so, and there's no way you're gonna stop me.

Well, this whole thing was your own fault.

It was not.

Was, too!

Was not!

Was, too!

Was not! Touch back, can't take it back.

Joanna, we're two adults having a disagreement.

Do you think we could solve this like two adults?

Fine with me.

That's more like it.

Great. No room in my own inn.

He-- hello-- hello, uh, Mr-- Mr. Henderson.

Dick-- Dick Loudon.

Uh, listen, we're, uh-- we're full tonight, and-- and I was--

I was wondering if-- if you had a room.

No, no, it's-- it's not-- it's not for a guest.

It's, uh-- it's-- it's for me.

No, not-- not me and Joanna, just-- just-- just me.

No, no, it's not what you think.

Ac-- actually, it is what you think, Mr. Henderson.

Look, I-- I--

I find these things kind of embarrassing, and--

and I'd appreciate if you could, you know,

just keep this to-- to yourself.

Well, I-- I-- I know you wouldn't, Mr. Henderson,

but, uh, your-- you know,

your wife has a bit of a reputation as--

as well, um, a-- a blabbermouth.

Oh, hel-- hello, Mrs. Henderson.

You know, it's-- it's, uh, usually,

uh, polite to tell someone that--

that you're listening on the extension.

Lis-- uh, listen, uh, do you have a room for me?

You're-- you're full?

Yes. Yes, I-- I know it's-- it's uh, a busy time of the year.

Mis-- uh, Mr. Henderson,

uh, couldn't you have told me that a-- a little earlier?

Good-- good night.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Giggles ]

Did my widdle Steffy-Weffy have a good time tonight?

She cewtainwy did, my duckie.

[ Both giggle ]

Oh, my God. They're worse when they're alone.

Dick! What are you doing here?

Spying on us in the dark!

He heard us doing our cute baby talk!

Trying to get some cheap thrills from young love, Dick?

No, not, not "weally".

I'm just-- just trying to get some sleep.

Then, why aren't you up in your room with Joanna--?

Oh.

So your seniorita gave you

a ticket on the old adios express, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

No.

Ooh, then, it must be good.

Look, I don't want to discuss it.

But this is just so upsetting.

I mean, you two are always the-- the model.

Mr. and Mrs. Apple Pie America.

But if this is it, all I can say is first thing tomorrow,

withdraw all the joint savings,

find a good mouthpiece, and come out suing!

Not-- not that that's the way I would handle it.

Michael, it isn't that serious.

I know! We'll guess what happened,

and we'll see it in his eyes when we guess right.

Let's see.

Joanna wanted to change her hairstyle and you yelled at her.

Joanna asked for some money to buy a new dress

and you yelled at her.

[ Gasps ] Joanna bought you a suit you didn't like

and you yelled at her.

Listen, how come I'm-- I'm the heavy?

Well, come on, Dick. Joanna do something bad to you? Get real.

[ Laugh ]

Look, you're-- you're not gonna guess,

so just let me get some sleep.

I-- I think I understand.

Oh. Boy, am I tired. I think I'll go to bed. 'Night.

Nighty-night, Steph.

Okay, Dick, the chick's gone,

now you can spill your guts, hombre to hombre.

Michael, my guts are gonna stay where they belong.

Come on, Dick. You can tell me. Is it a town girl?

Go away, Michael.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dick.

I guess I jettisoned my date early for nothing.

And I thought I had troubles.

Well, look, Dick. Even though you won't unVelcro those lips,

I'll show ya what kind of friend I am.

You can have a bed in my apartment

instead of this pitiful couch.

Well, anything is better than this.

Uh, sorry, Dick.

Tonight's kind of impossible because of short notice.

But it's a firm offer, and if you decide to take it, just,

you know, call first to make sure that's convenient.

What a pal.

Oh, it is so beautiful out there at night.

I don't know why we took so long to come up here.

Me neither.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Who's that?

I don't know. Maybe a vagrant.

I'm not a vagrant. I checked you in. Dick Loudon.

How come you're sleeping down here?

Yeah, don't you and your wife have your own room up--?

Oh.

Got the boot, huh?

Wanna talk about it?

Look, n-- no offense, but-- but I don't know you.

I think you'll find that men are men all over the world, Dick.

How about if I left, huh?

No, no. That-- that's all right. Just let me get some sleep.

Certainly. We understand.

[ Sighs ]

You-- you're reading?

Uh-huh.

You know, it's, um, kind of late.

Probably time to-- to get some sleep.

We're sort of night people, Dick.

Couldn't, uh-- couldn't--

couldn't you be night people in your room?

This is a beautiful inn, Dick,

but our room's rather small and cramped,

and you get the feeling

that things are closing in around you.

I-- I can relate to that.

The, uh-- the stars outside are-- are-- are beautiful.

Seen 'em.

You-- you-- you know what's real fun is-- is to-- is to count 'em

just-- just to see, you know,

how-- how many you-- you can see.

Two hundred and seventeen, Dick.

You-- you know what else is fun?

Dick, please. We're trying to read here.

I-- I was wondering if I could,

uh, spend the night here, George.

Why are you wondering that, Dick?

Well, you know, we haven't, uh, seen each other lately.

But why would you just leave Joanna and co--?

Oh.

But why does every human being on Earth make the same sound?

You wanna talk about it, Dick?

No!

I'm-- I'm sorry, George,

but I've-- I've been getting a lot of that lately.

Oh, that's okay, Dick.

I mean, it would be kind of stupid for me

to give you advice on how to keep a woman when, well--

So I-- so I can stay?

Of course. Gee, Dick, I--

I can't imagine you and Joanna apart.

I mean, which one will get the inn?

Or-- or will you just sell it?

And will the new owners want me as a handyman?

And will I like them?

George--

My life is falling apart, Dick.

I'm sure J-- Joanna and I will make up tomorrow.

You'd do that for me?

George, it-- it wasn't that big a fight.

Oh. [ Sigh of relief ]

Then, it's really great having you here, Dick.

Uh, what do you wanna do? Play checkers?

Uh, dominos, cards or just go a little nuts?

Uh, George, could, you know, could we--

could we just go to sleep?

Gee, that's what I always do. But you are the guest.

Which side of the bed do you want?

Uh, either side is fine.

Well, one side has a lump, but it is closer to the stove.

Well, which side do you normally sleep on, George?

Well, I usually start out near the stove,

but then the lump starts to bother me,

so I move to the other side.

But then I get cold, so I move back to the lump side.

I-- I-- I tell you what, George,

why don't I just take the lump side?

Yeah. It is a cold night.

Okay, then-- then I'll-- I'll take--

I'll take the cold side, George.

Wow. I've never not been able to escape the lump before.

I tell-- I tell you what, George.

Why don't we, uh-- why don't we flip the mattress over,

and then the-- the lump side will be on the bottom?

Great idea, Dick. I shoulda had you sleep over years ago.

Let-- let's do it, George.

Uh, actually, I'd like to sleep on the lump one more night.

Just for old time's sake.

You-- you got it, big guy.

Good night, Dick.

Good night, George.

Gee, Dick, I can't help wondering,

what bad thing did you do to Joanna?

Did you yell at her?

George, we were-- we were both a little at fault.

Yeah, right, Dick.

Good-- good night, George.

Two by four.

Circular saw.

Ball peen hammer.

[ Clears throat ] Uh, George?

Ball peen hammer.

G-- George?

Hm? Wha-- uh, huh?

Were-- were-- were you sleeping?

Yeah. I thought that's what we decided to do.

You-- you were-- you were talking in your sleep, George.

Oh. What was I talking about, Dick?

Mostly-- mostly handyman stuff, George.

Yep, that was probably me.

Well, I'm-- I'm sure I'll get used to it

in a couple of minutes.

Can-- can I stay with you tonight?

Okay with me. Darryl? Darryl?

Two to one. You're in.

Well, here we are.

It's ni-- it's nice.

I-- I-- I think I'll go home.

Wait. We understand.

We usually avoid showing this room to people

because of the jealousy and envy it would no doubt instill.

I-- I know-- I know in my-- in my whole life

I'll-- I'll-- I'll never have a room like this.

Decoratin' was quite a challenge with Darryl

being fond of Colonial,

Darryl preferring Art Deco and me being partial to a big mess.

Uh, uh, seems like a-- a big mess seems to dominate.

[ Giggles ]

Excuse us, but that was quite an amusing faux pas.

Huh?

The mat is for wiping your feet when you leave.

We don't like to track dirt outside.

I-- I'm such a yokel.

Now, the tough question.

Which one of us do you get to bunk with?

Colonial? Deco? Mess?

Oh, that's right. We do have that there fold-up bed.

Why-- why don't-- why don't-- why don't I go with that?

If you don't mind,

we're burnin' with curiosity as to why you're here.

Miss Joanna out of town or something?

Uh, no.

But then, why--?

Oh.

Larry, I-- I really don't wanna talk about it.

Okay.

Though we are wonderin' what nasty thing you done to her.

All set.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, guys.

Hold it!

What are-- what are-- what are you doing?

Folding you up.

I-- I think-- I think I'll-- I'll sleep flat tonight.

Okay, but in our opinion,

you're ignorin' the best feature of the bed.

Okay, everybody tucked in?

Lard fight!

Ho-- hold it! Hold it!

Oh, I'm sorry. That was thoughtless of me.

Darryl, share your lard with our guest.

No! No. Tha-- thanks.

Gee, you don't seem to be

into any of the traditional night time rituals.

Well, I'm kind of a weird egg.

I guess we should segue right into story time.

Uh, guys, can't-- can't we segue into sleep time?

Well, Darryl's adrenaline's still pumpin'

from that thwarted lard fight.

You gonna crush their spirits yet again?

I know-- I know I love a good story.

Well, we got "The Frog Prince," "Rapunzel"

or excerpts from "Freud: the Puberty Years."

Darryl, we have a guest.

You can't just shove "The Frog Prince"

down his throat without askin'.

"The-- The Frog--" "The Frog Prince" is great.

Especially the-- the condensed versions.

I'll try to just cover the bare bones of the story.

Once upon a time there was a very handsome prince

who inadvertently ticked off a very powerful witch.

In response, the witch hit him with a major spell,

which turned the prince into a slimy horny toad,

which seriously inhibited his ability to get girls.

But there was one beautiful princess

who didn't think frogs were so gross.

In fact, she became so attached to the little slimeball,

that one day she actually bent down to give him a kiss.

A kiss that would remove the evil spell

and unite them forever.

But just before her lips made contact, a 900-pound grizzly

leapt from the woods and swallowed the frog whole.

The princess managed to escape with minor cuts and bruises.

The end.

[ Applause ]

Wait. Wait. That-- that-- that isn't the way it goes.

Well, they've heard it the other way over 100 times.

Darryl demands new and surprising story twists.

Well, I-- I know-- I know that ending will--

will make me sleep better.

Well, now all we have are our prayers.

We pray that our guest works things out with his missus

and that he's not a crazed maniac who will murder us

as we sleep.

Do you sleep with the light on?

Uh, no.

Uh, uh, guys. For, uh-- for a change, let's--

let's go with the light.

Uh, G-- uh, George? Is-- is Joanna up yet?

I haven't seen her.

Where were you?

I-- I wound up spending the night

at Larry, Darryl and Darryl's.

Well, thanks a lot.

It's a pretty lousy feeling to go to sleep with someone

and then wake up alone.

Hi. Look, I-- I'm s-- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. I overreacted.

So-- so did I.

Well, honey, let's not ever fight like that again.

I really missed you.

Honey, not-- not as-- not as much as I-- as I missed you.

Where did you sleep?

It's-- it's-- it's gonna be years

before I'm able to talk about it.

Aw. Come here, you. Aw.

Uh, honey, we, uh-- we seem to be drawing a crowd.

Come-- come on in.

You-- you, too.

So you made up?

Yeah.

Aw.

Well, how did you know we were fighting?

Dick hates to let people know those things.

Be-- Believe me, this time it got out.

But he still wouldn't tell us what the fight was about.

But now that it's over, you have to.

Do not.

Please tell us.

Not knowin' has caused some friction in our own family.

Darryl thinks it was over the household budget,

but Darryl thinks it was a town girl.

A-- all right. All right, already.

I'll-- I'll tell you.

Joanna made some cucumber soup for dinner,

and I refused to eat it.

Is it just me, or is that really boring?

I think we've just experienced an anti-climax.

Wow, got us worried over nothing. Nice guy, Dick.

O-- o-- over nothing? I-- I-- I hate cucumber soup.

And I spent the whole day making it for him.

Knowing how much I hate cucumbers.

But you never tasted them in soup.

I don't wanna taste them in soup.

I-- I want 'em off the face of the Earth.

I worked all day, he promised he'd try it, and he didn't.

I didn't promise. Once, a long time ago, I-- I said

if the-- if the timing were right, and I was in the mood,

that I might-- I might try soup with-- with cucumbers in it.

And-- and then-- and then she springs it on me.

I mean, you-- you could-- you could see 'em flo--

uh, floating in there.

You could've at least tried it.

I hate them.

Well, see if I ever do anything for you again.

Over nothing, huh?

Well, when-- when you two do it--

Come on, Darryl. Let's go unfold his bed.

Looks like we're gonna have company for who knows how long.

No!

Honey! Honey, wait!

Meow.