Original subtitles

[ Knocking on door ]

I-- Is he here yet?

Not yet.

Michael, look at this.

Dick, I cried because I had a broken chair

'til I met a man who had no chair.

Michael, t-- today we have an idol of mine on my show,

Edwin Newman.

I mean, s-- suppose he-- he comes into--

into the office and sees this.

I mean, it-- it's embarrassing.

Dick, I'll-- I'll take care of it.

I'll make certain he gets absolutely nowhere

near your office.

Now, uh, take a gander

at some of the questions I wrote up.

Michael, I-- I don't need questions.

I mean, I'm a major fan of Mr. Newman's. I--

I prepared the interview my-- myself.

But-- but, Dick, I did a lot of digging.

And I uncovered a few surprising facts.

Did you know Edwin Newman was one of the major

news honchos at NBC?

Of course.

Wow. You really are into this guy, aren't you?

Let's see what questions you came up with.

Do you think you could beat Mike Wallace

in a one-on-one brawl?"

Oh, come on, Dick.

You can't say you're not curious.

[ Phone rings ]

Hi, hi.

It's Edwin's people.

[ Chuckles ] Yes.

Oh, no. Really?

Well, uh, do me a favor.

See if a picture of President Jackson

will change his mind.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Looks like Edwin Newman's a slow fade to black, Dick.

Cancelled?

And-- and-- and that's final?

You heard me offer his man an easy 20.

They said they were gonna try and find us another date.

Rats.

Whoa. "Rats." You are disappointed.

But we're in luck.

I think we can get The Unbelievable Jerry.

Michael, we can always get The Unbelievable Jerry.

He-- he hangs around every Sunday dressed for the show,

just in case.

Well, it's 10 minutes before we go live, Dick.

I think his time has come.

I-- I don't need a phony psychic on the show.

It's better if I-- I go on all by myself.

All right, Dick.

But I bet Jerry's predicting it's gonna be a big bomb.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

So, Dick, who'd you get to replace Edwin Newman?

You gonna go with The Unbelievable Jerry?

No, JJ. I'm gonna go on all by myself.

Good idea, Dick.

I'll have the test pattern standing by.

And now it's Vermont Today starring Dick Loudon.

Hi, there. Our originally scheduled guest,

Edwin Newman, couldn't be with us today.

Rats.

So I thought I'd try something a little--

a little different.

You know, uh,

talk to you off-- off the top of my head

about... what's on my mind.

You kno-- You kn-- You know, psychic phenomenon is--

is on-- is on everyone's mind these days.

I, uh, just happen to have someone here

who claims he's involved with that,

so... could someone, uh, try and find...

The-- The Unbelievable Jerry.

Thank you very much.

I'm fine.

Yes, it is my real name. Oh, about nine years.

See what I just did, Dick?

I answered your first three questions

before you even asked them.

But th-- those-- those weren't my first three--

I'm getting another picture here.

You have another business besides this one, am I right?

Y-- Yes.

It's a lumber company, ladies and gentlemen.

No, it's-- it's an inn.

But... what is it made of?

Lumber, correct?

Yeah, but I mean, any-- any--

I sense a little skepticism here, Dick.

What I'm gonna do is unite my mind

with the cosmic forces of the universe

and perform the greatest test of psychic ability known to man.

I am going to bend... some spoons.

Wh-- why-- why is it all you guys ever do with your--

your psychic ability is-- is-- is bend spoons?

I also bend keys.

But I-- did you ever think of-- of harnessing your--

your amazing powers and-- and doing some good in the world?

Like, uh,

maybe helping peace talks along somewhere?

Hey, I'll go anywhere they supply a spoon.

Which reminds me, I'll be at the Beavercreek Mall

this Thursday evening,

providing personal and financial advice

to shoppers of all ages for a very reasonable fee.

And we've got a special discount for you...

seniors out there.

Well, what-- what exactly qualifies you to-- to give

personal or-- or financial advice?

What qualifies me?

Take a look at this spoon, Dick.

This is ridiculous.

You're-- you're no-- you're no psychic.

You're-- you're, uh--

you're... you're a weenie.

I-- I can't--

I can't believe-- can't believe I said that.

I have never been treated like this.

And before I walk off, I'd just like to remind everyone

I'll be at The Carpet Warehouse--

Get out of here.

So where, uh-- where-- where was I?

Ah, what's-- what was on my mind.

[ Test pattern noise ]

JJ!

Joanna?

Mm-hm?

I'm about to make an important decision

that will change my entire life.

I've decided to get personalized license plates.

That is a life-changing decision.

I guess that's why I put it off all these years.

But I'm not sure what I want it to say.

In a lot of ways, it's the most irreversible decision

a person can make.

I mean,

if you marry the wrong guy, you can always get a divorce,

but...

if you choose the wrong license plate,

you have to stand in line at the DMV for hours.

I've narrowed it down to either

"IMADOLL" or "CUPCAKE".

What do you think?

I don't even have an opinion.

I told you it was a tough decision.

JOANNA: Yeah.

What's a tough decision?

Well, Stephanie's getting personalized license plates,

and she can't decide what precious little thing

it should say.

Which one do you like for me, George?

"IMADOLL" or "CUPCAKE"?

I don't know, Stephanie, maybe I'm old fashioned,

but to me you'll always be XPG407.

Okay, I've decided.

I'm going with "CUPCAKE".

That is the statement I wanna make.

Now I just have to be sure it's available.

Stephanie, where'd you get that?

They don't let people remove those books from the DMV.

They do if you go like this.

Oh, poo!

"CUPCAKE" is already taken.

Well, that's just not fair.

Nobody could make a better "CUPCAKE" than me.

I'm going to find out who it is and get them to give it to me.

Stephanie,

they don't release that information to the public.

Joanna,

they let me take this book home, didn't they?

JOANNA: Hi, honey.

What a show today. It was really something.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Dick, it wasn't as bad as you think.

It was kind of exciting when you called him a weenie.

Honey, I have never used that word in-- in my life.

And-- and the one time I do it's in front of hundreds--

[ Clears throat ] thou-- thousands of people.

Dick, it was better than the what was on your mind part.

Yeah, Dick, I think you lucked out.

You'd look a lot worse if you'd called Edwin Newman

a weenie.

Pinch me! I'm dreaming.

[ Laughs ]

The phones have not stopped ringing.

We're up to our keisters in kudos.

[ Chuckles ]

Try this title on for size:

Dick Loudon's Target Practice,

with your host, Vermont's own verbal kickboxer,

machine-gun mouth Loudon.

[ Chuckles ]

Michael, what happened today on the show was a fluke.

I was tired, I was frustrated,

I was disappointed.

All things we can recreate again.

Michael, we're not changing the show, and that's final.

Okay, Dick. All right. Have it your way.

We'll go back to the old format:

You talking, interrupted by the occasional test pattern.

Oh, hi, Dick. Ready to...

get out there and grab 'em all over again?

Michael, I thought we agreed,

the show was going back to the way it was.

Dick, relax.

We agreed on a guest, didn't we?

That, uh,

fuddy duddy from the University Museum of Antiquities?

He's your kind of guy, Dick.

He's got a Phoenician bowl exhibit.

Five seconds to air.

Bowl 'em over, Dick.

[ Chuckles ]

And now Vermont Today, starring

Dick "The Ripper" Loudon!

And Loudon's Lunatic Legion!

[ Raucous cheers ]

Hi. I-- I-- I wasn't expecting you.

I-- I hope this--

this doesn't have anything to do with--

with last week's show.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, Dick! Yeah!

Well, uh, let me introduce my first guest...

Dr. Miles Rangel, Dick.

Curator of Antiquities at the University Museum

and pro-nuclear war activist!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry. I-- I think we--

we had a little mix up there.

I'm sure our announcer didn't mean to say

pro-nuclear war activist.

[ Chuckles ]

Sure, he did. I'm a pro-nuclear war activist.

Yeah, Dick.

You see, Mr. Loudon,

when you've really studied ancient civilization,

you become acutely aware

of how much mankind has deteriorated.

Why has this happened?

Because the process of natural selection

has been irrevocably tampered with,

and there's just no way to really clean house anymore.

Which is why, I believe,

we should have a limited nuclear war,

blow a lot of the scum off the face of the earth

and simply start all over again.

-AUDIENCE: Boo! -MAN: No!

Go get him, Dick!

So, Phoenician bowls.

How, uh-- how far back do-- do these babies go?

1200 BC.

They're, uh, relics of a time when quality craftsmanship

was an important part of everyday life.

Why?

Because back then it was survival of the fittest.

In those days, a plague or a famine

could build up some steam.

But now, look at the crowds you see everywhere.

Even the lines for 12 items or less are enormous.

Which is why I reiterate...

a carefully managed, violent nuclear war

would be... a much needed cleansing,

a bath for humanity.

Boo! Boo!

Boo!

O-- okay, I'll-- I'll admit, a nuclear war would--

would probably make a lot of...

lot of lines shorter.

But I-- I mean, what about the fact that--

that afterwards, the, you know, the-- the entire...

planet would be poisoned?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, Mr. Loudon, obviously you're not interested

in discussing this intelligently.

In fact, at any moment,

I bet you're gonna call me a weenie.

AUDIENCE: Yeah! [ Cheers ]

I have-- have no intention of calling you

a weenie, Dr. Rangel.

MAN: Aw!

Even though you are one.

Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ]

Good day, Mr. Loudon.

Have a nice nuclear winter.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

The, um-- the Phoenician bowl exhibit will--

will continue at the University Museum

un-- until the 15th.

Weenie! Weenie! Weenie! Weenie! Weenie!

Weenie! Weenie! Weenie! Weenie!

Dick, you've gotta eat something.

Will you at least have your cereal?

Honey, it's in a bowl.

Will you forget about yesterday's show?

You're being too hard on yourself.

Dick!

Take a look at these ratings.

We actually got a whole number.

[ Chuckles ]

We finally beat out those unoccupied channels.

Michael, you know I couldn't care less-- Wow.

This-- this means nothing.

I mean, some of the worst shows in...

in history have gotten great ratings.

True. But did any of them... get great reviews?

Dick, hold onto this paper with one hand and...

pat yourself on the back with the other.

I wanna see.

"Dick Loudon's acerbic wit cuts like a knife

through the dull baloney of afternoon television."

Gee, I-- usually, I agree with this guy.

Excuse me, Mr. Loudon.

Could I possibly have your autograph?

I-- I don't-- I don't think you want that.

Please. We love your show.

I can't believe we're staying here at your inn.

Thank you so much.

-Can I ask you one more thing? -Sure.

This is my husband, Tim.

Would it be too much trouble for you to call him a weenie?

I-- I don't think he-- he would be--

No, please.

Call me a weenie. I-- It be an honor.

[ Clears throat ]

You're-- you're, uh-- you're a weenie.

Oh!

This is so exciting.

So, Dick, did I just see that hat size jump a notch?

Michael, I don't care what other people think.

I-- I care what I think.

And right now, I think Joanna and I are gonna take a drive.

You wanna buy more newspapers.

Well, you know, if we pass a stand.

Oh, Michael, good.

Michael, this is Vince Dinsmore.

You know, "CUPCAKE"?

You're-- you're "CUPCAKE"?

Yep.

It's my license plate, and there's nothing

gonna make me give it up.

Michael?

Well, Vince, you know, I'm just-- I'm just curious.

What-- what would a well-built, barrel-chested drink of water

like yourself

want with a wimpy little plate that says "CUPCAKE"?

Because it's the name of my million-dollar business,

Cupcake Inc.

Big, big deal.

Cupcake Inc.?

You know...

Tasty little cake Get it in the cup

Grab it by the handle Eat it right up?

I got a whole fleet of cupcake trucks,

I got promotional T-shirts, I got keychains.

But, Michael, I'm the only true "CUPCAKE".

Stephanie, sweetheart, for the first time in your life,

you may have to accept

that there's something in this world

that you can't have.

Michael, are you trying to make me break out

into a rash?

Steph, I'm afraid none of those old standbys

are gonna work this time.

Damn good pout, Steph.

But-- but it's just not enough.

What kind of monster are you?

Okay, look, if-- if it means that much to you,

you can have the dumb plate.

[ Gasps ]

I'll contact the DMV first thing in the morning.

Could you try to be there by 7:30,

so you could be the first one in line?

No. No, no--

Okay, okay. Lighten up already.

Surprise.

A brand-new chair.

Wow.

Real leather.

Actually, it's real leatherette.

But you deserve the perks, Dick.

The show's so hot, you're gonna have to work in asbestos.

[ Chuckles ]

Bev's even thinking of moving the time slot

to right after 60 Minutes.

You know, to capitalize on an audience

that's already been primed for a fight.

Oh, you know, what I do is not...

that much different from-- from 60 Minutes.

I mean, I expose... charlatans in a...

in a tasteful way.

Dick, whatever you're talking about, I agree.

I wouldn't be surprised if you sweep

those Nobels this year.

[ Chuckles ]

Michael, that's ridiculous. [ Continues chuckling ]

Maybe a, you know, a more local award.

Take a gander at next week's guest.

Mrs. Henrietta... Epson, author of...

"The Fudge and Whiskey Diet"?

That's right, Dick. How many more innocents

must slump into a fat stupor before she's stopped?

I guess I could nail her.

Great, Dick.

Her only demand is that someone drive her here

in a car with a really big back seat.

Cheese it! It's the pro-nuke nut!

Uh, Doctor-- Doctor Rangel, I--

Mr. Loudon, I just dropped by to say... thank you.

You, uh-- you're-- you're welcome.

For, uh-- for what?

For allowing me to be a guest on your show.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing since the show aired.

I've already signed up 30 new members,

which is an increase of 3000 percent,

because before that... it was really just me.

I want you to know, if you're ever looking

for a sparring partner,

I'm your weenie.

Because of you and your show,

the whole world is just a little closer

to nuclear disaster.

That's it, we're going back to the old format.

Dick, no.

Michael, I would rather bore people senseless

than-- than--

than cater to the-- the lunatic fringe.

But, Dick, there-- there's no good reason

why we can't do both.

Michael, I wanna do the kind of TV

I wanna do.

It-- It's more important to--

to be good than-- than-- than popular.

Is that your final word, Dick?

I'm afraid it is.

Well...

To tell you the truth,

I respect you for it.

Thank you, Mike.

Excuse us.

Edwin Newman's here, Dick.

I-- I was so excited about this interview, I--

I-- I couldn't sleep last night.

Don't worry, Dick.

I'm sure we'll all be able to catch some Z's

during the interview.

Welcome to Vermont Today with your host Dick Loudon

and his very special guest, Edwin Newman.

I am honestly thrilled and delighted

to introduce my guest today.

Quite frankly, he's always been one of my heroes.

Well, actually, more than one of my heroes,

he's a sort of idol of mine.

[ Chuckles]

Be-- before I completely embarrass myself,

why don't I just introduce him?

Mister Edwin Newman.

[ Applause ]

It's-- it's an honor to have you here, sir.

Mr. Loudon, when I originally agreed

to be a guest on your program,

I took it on faith from a publicist,

an act of some naivet�, I agree,

uh, that yours was a program of reasonable quality.

I've had occasion these last two weeks

to watch the program myself,

and I have found that it typifies everything

that is wrong in television today.

So I came on the program to tell you that myself.

Now I intend to leave

before you begin your usual name-calling.

And, by the way, the correct term is not "weenie",

it is "wiener".

Good day, Mr. Loudon.

[ Clears throat ]

La-- uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr... Edwin Newman.

I could've told you this would happen.

Meow.