Original subtitles

Hi, Stephanie, Michael, how was the movie?

This has been the worst day of our lives.

Something horrible happened outside the theater.

What?

Well...

we were all primed to see American Ninja

when we noticed... a new couple in town,

about our age...

And?

And they were cuter than we are.

Don't you realize what this means?

We can't show our faces in town

'cause their faces are better.

Guys, I don't know if it means anything,

but I think you're cute.

Thanks, George, but it doesn't mean anything.

I'm glad I got it off my chest anyway.

Come on, Steph, let's...

go upstairs and... try to self-improve.

Oh, Michael, has it come to this?

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

We was wondering,

do you think Darryl here needs a trim?

Your hair looks okay to us.

Not there. Show 'em, Darryl.

Uh, guys.

If-- if you have to unbutton your shirt to show me,

I'd-- I'd say it's fine.

That them?

Yep, they're the ones.

Guess I'm gonna have to arrest you three.

Us?

Are you sure you got the right trio?

Of-- officer, I know these men, and I can safely say...

What-- What did they do?

Cattle heisting.

Farmer Bagley here reported a missing cow.

I walked by their eatery, heard mooing, investigated.

Found the missing milker in the basement of their caf�.

Hoofprints checked out.

Our basement? Couldn't be.

We wouldn't pilfer a bovine.

Officer...

I really don't want to press any charges, but...

ever since they moved in next door,

they've been kind of a nuisance;

teasin' my chickens,

tauntin' my sheep,

and now stealin' one of my cows. I...

I guess I have no choice but to press charges.

Come on. Jail time.

Officer Shifflett, isn't that a little harsh?

Not really.

First, they steal a cow,

next a herd.

Before you know it, we got a white slavery ring

right here in River City.

I knock with 63.

Oh, hi.

Thanks for visitin' us while we're doin' hard time.

You-- uh, you called me.

That's right. We're allowed one phone call.

An-- and I-- I was the lucky one.

Well, actually, we called Candy Bergen first,

but her line was busy.

Well, I'm-- I'm sorry you guys are in here.

How-- how are they treating you?

Roughest day of our lives.

Re-- really?

The hardest thing about jail

is getting used to the cleanliness.

How-- how can I help you guys?

Well, our trial's comin' up.

We want you to be our lawyer.

Uh, me?

Yeah. Well, you know us and you know how our minds work.

I'm-- I'm not sure that's a plus, guys.

You, uh... you need a real attorney.

We don't trust real lawyers ever since L.A. Law

exposed their seamy underside.

Fellas, I-- I-- I-- I can't.

Don't you believe we're innocent?

I-- I believe you're innocent.

I'm just not trained to-- to be a lawyer.

Let's see.

You don't wanna be our lawyer, but you believe we're innocent.

You interested in servin' on the jury?

Okay, enough schmoozing. Time's up.

Wait a minute.

Which one of ya's the free man?

Uh, I wanna bail 'em out. How much is it?

Bail's set at 85 dollars each.

Or 200 dollars for the three of 'em.

Hi, Dick.

Steph, your major muchacho esta aqui.

[ Chuckles ]

Stephanie's still getting dressed.

Oh. Uh...

How does she, uh-- How does she look?

She looks... good, Michael.

Good? That's it?

We haven't even left the house, we're already on the ropes.

Well, how do I look?

Terrific, Steph.

Not too white?

No, no, it's, uh...

It's just eggshell enough.

Michael, is that the tie you're wearing tonight?

No!

Steph, look at us.

[ Sighs ]

We were the Gibraltars of cute.

We can't let some trendy, hotsy-totsy newcomers

destroy all we have.

You're right, Michael. We can be cuter than them.

No, we are cuter than them.

All right, Steph.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow.

I just saw that new couple in town.

Are they adorable!

Gee, I didn't mean to upset them.

Maybe I'll go upstairs

and explain that beauty is only skin-deep.

Yeah, that-- that should do it.

Good morning.

I'm inquiring about the Minuteman Caf� next door.

It seems to be closed.

Well, actually, the owners are...

...away right now.

Look, I'll be honest.

I heard the owners were having some problems.

And now that they're in jail, I...

thought they might be lookin' to sell.

Oh, I don't think they'd be interested.

Too bad.

You know, with some refurbishing,

that could be a real charming caf�.

Oh.

You're, uh...

You're thinking of making it into a nice place?

Mm-hm.

Dick!

They're-- they're-- they're not interested.

Well... I'm Wendell Bellow.

I'm in real-estate investment.

If they change their minds, here's my card.

Dick, you're not really thinking that...

Honey, a new neighbor next door might be

a refreshing change.

I mean, we just met him, but...

he doesn't seem like the type who would taunt sheep.

Hi.

I'm Larry, ex-con.

This is my ex-con brother Darryl,

and this is my other ex-con brother Darryl.

Well, we're glad you guys are out.

Our trial is Thursday.

We're sorry you won't take our case,

but I think we're gonna be just fine.

Great. Who-- who'd you get?

Hi. I'm Larry for the defense.

You?

Yeah, already took a shingle off the roof

and hung it up.

La-- Larry, have you ever heard the expression that...

a person who represents themself has--

has a fool for a client?

Darryl, make a note.

I'll work that into my opening remarks.

Larry, you don't really wanna do this.

Yes, I do. I've brushed up on the law.

And I believe I can swing everything for us

but conjugal visits.

We've come up with a very clever defense.

Darryl and me will have that jury in tears

when we get through with our puppet re-enactment.

Larry, a-- a-- a puppet show is--

isn't the soundest... legal approach.

Oh, don't worry. That's only our opening.

I plan on summing up with my Al Pacino

"You're all outta order!" speech.

Larry, if-- if you represent yourselves,

I-- I guarantee you'll-- you'll wind up in jail.

Oh, well. Come on, Darryl.

Let's go practice bein' ankle-chained together.

All-- all-- all right, I'll represent you.

Dick, Dick... [ Chuckles ]

Dick, you're not a lawyer.

Honey, which one of us is more not a lawyer?

I hate to barge in again,

but guess who I'm here to collar?

They just got out!

Found another of Bagley's cows on their premises.

Second offense.

You guys know the routine.

Time for the bracelets.

I have mixed feelin's.

I mean, on the one hand,

this makes us two-time losers,

but on the other, it's flattering to be asked back.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

take a long hard look at-- at my clients.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

take a... quick peek at my clients.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

good night and drive safely.

How's this suit for court, honey?

It's kind of a law suit.

Good-- good one, George.

I tried to stop him, honey.

Look what I brought ya, Dick.

Some note pads.

I, uh...

I already have some, George.

Yeah, but those aren't legal pads, Dick.

So how's the case going, honey?

It's going great.

I've been practicing my-- my-- my wheeling.

You know, that-- that's where you--

you suddenly turn to catch a witness by surprise.

You, um...

you slowly,

casually,

walk toward the jury...

and then all of a sudden!

It's hard to believe this is your first time.

Dick, the wheeling's great, but how's the actual case going?

It's going fine.

I-- I think Larry, Darryl and Darryl were framed.

I think somebody...

planted those cows in the basement.

Well, Dick, maybe Larry, Darryl and Darryl did do it.

What?

What do we really know about them?

Their backgrounds?

Well, we...

we know they're not royalty.

I mean, we don't know where they're from.

They pop up four years ago from out of nowhere,

carrying sacks with God knows what in them.

Dick, we don't even know if they have last names.

Honey, I-- I-- I know I'm not exactly defending

The Hardy Boys,

unless... that, of course, is their last name.

But I-- I-- I believe in their innocence.

So do I, Dick.

I was just playing devil's advocate.

See, that's the kind of thing the prosecution

is gonna jump on.

And that's why I'm gonna find as many character witnesses

as I possibly can.

George, I-- I may be calling you to the stand.

I'm ready, Dick.

If the guys get convicted, they may lose the caf�.

That's it!

Wendell Bellow.

It-- it-- it's him!

The real-estate guy?

It all adds up.

Bellow's a-- a real-estate speculator.

He plants the cows in the basement,

he incriminates Larry, Darryl and Darryl,

tarnishes their reputation,

and buys the caf�...

...for a song.

You wanna get some of this down, Dick?

Dick, this is all conjecture. You have no proof.

Just wait 'til I get Bellow on the stand and...

do my wheeling.

So, Dick, are you nervous?

Are you kidding?

It's an open-and-shut case.

Look at Bellow squirming over there.

I don't know if that means he's guilty, Dick.

That's where a nail sticks up out of the seat.

Hi. I'm Larry.

-This is my brother Darryl-- -Guys...

what-- what-- what's with the outfits?

We're just following your advice.

You said to dress for courting.

I said to dress for court.

You mean we ain't gonna leave here with any girls?

Aw.

Stephanie, Michael,

it's so nice that you came to show your support

for Larry and the Darryls.

Oh, that's really not why we're here, Joanna.

Stolen cows are one thing.

We're worried about stolen thunder.

We figure we'd be safe here.

This is the only place in town we know

that cute couple won't show up.

Mayday!

Cute couple at three o'clock.

Wow. They're adorable.

Yeah.

He's an Adonis, and she's cute as a button.

And look how manageable her hair is.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I could bribe the bailiff to have them bounced.

Oh, Michael, we're through running.

We have to deal with this like two adults.

Let's look for flaws.

Dick, honey,

I took a look at your opening statement,

and I think it might be a bit flowery.

Honey, it's essential

that a lawyer win over the jury immediately

with a colorful speech.

It can determine the outcome of the-- of the trial.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Docket number 6119:

The State of Vermont vs. Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

Are the attorney and the innkeeper

ready with their opening remarks?

I am, Your Honor.

I am.

Good. Good.

Mr. Schiff.

These guys are guilty, and I'm gonna prove it.

Mr. Loudon.

[ Clears throat ]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I believe

it was William Shakespeare who said,

"The quality of mercy is not strained."

These-- these guys are not guilty,

and I'm gonna prove it.

After careful scouring of the basement,

I turned up the evidence.

One Guernsey cow.

Female.

I also checked their books.

The day the moo was bunking there,

the sale of milkshakes had tripled.

Thank you. No further questions.

[ Sighs ] Your witness.

No questions.

Okay, I'm free to go.

Excuse me, before we go any further,

is there any particular pose you'd like

for the artist rendering?

Did you steal that cow from Farmer Bagley?

No. We're innocent as a baby's butt.

Please just answer the questions.

Isn't it true that if you did have a cow on your premises,

it might be helpful to your restaurant business?

That's true.

We'd use it for milk or hamburger,

depending on how the cow behaved.

Have you ever broken the law?

Is smearing yourself with petroleum

by-products illegal?

No.

Then, we're clean.

Tell me, this past year,

didn't your Christmas cards come with an enclosed

lightning bug?

Either a lightning bug or a cricket,

depending on whether you're on the A or B list.

And weren't you once found swimming in the town's

water tower?

Where better to look for them three Petticoat Junction gals?

Objection, Your Honor.

These are...

hobbies.

Boyish shenanigans that have nothing to do with the case.

They have everything to do with the case.

Your Honor, I'm establishing that these people

don't think the way we do.

I mean, stealing is wrong to us,

but to them it might be just a boyish shenanigan.

You may proceed, Mr. Schiff.

Isn't it a fact that you stole Farmer Bagley's cow

to increase lackluster sales?

No.

Your Honor, I move that Mr. Schiff's last remarks

be stricken from the record.

Your Honor, are we going to listen to a man

who's not even using legal pads?

Mr. Loudon, your objection's overruled.

No further questions.

DICK: Redirect, Your Honor?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I'd like you to take... a good look at these men.

Do they look guilty?

Of course they do!

But we can't judge people by their faces alone.

A-- appearance isn't everything in life.

[ Gasps ]

All the evidence...

...is circumstantial.

No further questions.

You may step down.

Mr. Loudon, you may call your next witness.

The defense needs to call only one witness.

I would like to call...

Wendell Bellow...

to the stand.

Name?

Wendell Bellow.

Occupation?

Real-estate broker.

Don't you mean real-estate speculator?

No, it's broker.

Isn't it true that you were looking for a way

to buy the Minuteman Caf�?

Yes.

And with them in jail,

wouldn't that give you a terrific bargaining tool?

And you could buy the caf�...

for a song?

Not really.

Isn't it true,

in fact, that you planted the cows in the basement

and made it look like Larry, Darryl and Darryl

had put them there?

Isn't that true?

No.

Isn't it true you set the whole thing up?

Admit it! Admit it!

All right! I admit it! I admit it!

I planted the cow.

Please, I'm building to something here.

But it was me. I did it.

Your Honor, I can't work like this.

Mr. Loudon, he's trying to confess.

That's good... for you.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

Proceed.

I framed 'em. They were pests.

They would constantly walk upwind

and drive my herd crazy.

Besides, with them in jail, I could take over their land

and expand my property line.

My cows needed more room for grazing.

You didn't have to do that.

We don't mind if your critters

roam on our land.

You don't?

Gee.

Sorry.

Case dismissed.

[ Gavel raps ]

Dick!

Dick, you were wonderful.

We thank you.

For a moment there,

we thought Lady Justice was gonna take off

her blindfold,

dip it in water, and snap our behinds

all the way to The Big House.

Excuse me. Sir, uh, you were a member of the jury.

Which-- which couple do you think is cuter?

Us or-- or them?

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but we're glad Miss Bergen's line was busy.

Thank you, Larry.

Those are the nicest words

an attorney could ever wanna hear.

Okay, Steph, I poled all the jurors.

Three to three. It's a deadlock.

Wait a minute.

Michael, I think the judge winked at me.

Then... we are the cutest. We won!

We won!

Meow.