Original subtitles

Grab on to your Samsonites, everybody.

[ Chuckles ]

Guess where we're all going.

Michael, it's my family. I get to tell.

You can tell about your family, if they ever do anything.

Saturday night...

is the birthday of my very special cousin,

Ned Vanderkellen.

He's celebrating his 100th birthday,

and you're invited to the party.

You never told us you had a 100-year-old relative.

Well, he used to just be 99.

Well, it's-- it's nice you're throwing a big party for him.

So can we consider you all RSVP'd?

Of course. They're thrilled.

You're really gonna like cousin Ned a lot.

I do, and I'm a pretty tough judge of old people.

I generally don't like to talk to anyone

whose teeth may come out.

I remember on my fifth birthday,

Ned took me to the circus.

Everybody else bought me lots of expensive gifts and stuff,

but Ned is the only one who ever took me anyplace.

Aw. That must have been fun.

No, I hated the circus.

It was dirty and sticky, and there were smells.

But Ned made up for it by buying me

lots of expensive gifts and stuff.

Look, honey. Goosebumps.

Come on, Michael.

We have to start thinking about a gift for cousin Ned.

Yeah. What do you give a 100-year-old millionaire?

I got it. How about a spanking new son?

[ Chuckles ]

Dick, do you really think that we should go to a party

for somebody that we don't even know?

Hon-- honey, this is different.

This is a-- a chance to talk to a part of history.

I mean, Ned may have seen, uh,

Babe Ruth while he was still a pitcher

or he may have seen Sarah Bernhardt act

or-- or Caruso sing.

Or had pie with Einstein.

Look-- look at him, honey.

He's 100 years old, and he's so spry.

What exactly does "spry" mean anyway?

You know, uh--

Like-- like that guy.

Oh, there you are, Loudons.

So have you met the guest of honor yet?

Not-- not yet.

I'm-- I'm looking forward to-- to talking to him.

He-- he must have some-- some fascinating stories.

Oh, you'll love cousin Ned.

One hundred years of age,

and he's still active in his career.

That's amazing. What does he do?

He's a suer.

He sues people.

That's how he made his fortune?

Exactly.

He started with nothing more than a sprained ankle

and sued his way right up to the top.

He'll sue anybody, anywhere, anytime.

Come, I'll introduce you.

Uh...

[ Clears throat ]

Is-- is he still active in his career?

Don't worry, Loudon.

He won't go after you. You're small potatoes.

Cousin Ned, this is Dick Loudon.

That-- that's, uh, Dick...

"Small Potatoes" Loudon.

Hi... I'm Mrs. Potatoes.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some hosting

to attend to.

I-- I've really been looking forward to--

to-- to meeting you.

I'm a-- I'm a hist-- history-- history buff.

And you...

you've lived through some-- some interesting times.

Yes.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh-- uh, for instance, what-- what was it like

growing up at the-- the turn of the century?

It was okay.

How 'bout that.

Then-- then-- then-- there was The-- the Depression.

Awful business.

Noth-- nothing like a first-hand account.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, what...? [ Clears throat ]

What did-- what did you-- think about Pearl Harbor?

Weren't you alive then?

Yes. Yes, I--

I-- I guess-- I guess I was.

Well, how did you feel about it?

I-- I was-- I was, uh...

pre-- pretty upset.

Me, too.

Maybe... maybe I'm asking the wrong questions,

but I mean, you know, you-- you've lived 100 years.

There-- there must be--

there must be something you can-- you can tell me.

Your wife has great hooters.

What did he say, honey?

He-- he said you're no small potatoes.

Hi, Ned.

George Utley.

Did you ever have pie with Einstein?

No.

But I did have pie in The White House

with Hoover.

You did? Wow!

I wanna hear all about it.

What kind of pie?

Rhubarb.

I'll never forget it. It was piping hot.

I took one bite and I said, "Mr. President,

I just burned the roof of my mouth.

You're going to hear from my lawyers."

Wow... What kind of crust?

So, Steph, how, how do I look?

Like a million bucks.

Well, I'm gonna have to do a lot better than that

for this room.

[ Chuckles ]

Boy...

once you get that guy going, you just can't shut him up.

Stephanie!

Are you having fun?

Uh--huh. Cousin Ned, pick one.

[ Gasps ]

That's the one with the kiss in it!

[ Chuckles ]

I never guessed wrong yet.

Cousin Ned, remember that special someone

I told you I wanted you to meet?

Yes. Uh, where is he?

He's right here.

Oh.

I'm, uh-- I'm Michael Harris.

Steph's told me a lot about you.

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, what kind of advice would you give

a fresh-faced young kid

who's-- who's trying to get a toehold in the sue game?

Oh, I say, Loudon, uh, maybe you can help me out.

What-- what is it?

Uh, the delivery boy just brought in the cake,

and I don't have anything on me to tip him with.

I-- I hate to ask you,

but the rest of us never carry cash.

Well, sure. I'll be-- I'll be glad to help out.

Remember, I'm a millionaire. Tip big.

How's-- how's 50?

That's very generous, Loudon. Thank you.

I'll-- I'll get you later.

Fifty dollars?

Honey, the man's a millionaire.

All right, gather round.

Gather round, everybody.

We gather round for the singing

and the blowing out the candles bit.

Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Ned Happy Birthday to you

[ Applause ]

Oh!

[ Applause ]

Speech! Speech!

Ned.

Ned!

Ned?

Oh, my God.

Ned...

...is dead.

Well, that couldn't have been his wish.

Excuse me. I'm from the coroner's office.

I have some forms to fill out here.

You know: name, age of the deceased.

Well, we're not relatives.

Would you like me to get one?

No, no. That's-- that's okay. I'll, uh...

just get the information off the cake.

I really feel odd about being here.

Honey, we-- we can't just go to the party

and not stay for the funeral.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Bummer party.

Yeah. I hardly knew Ned.

I wish I could've met him a few hours earlier.

You know, I-- I was, uh, talking to him

just minutes before it happened.

What a way to go.

Stephanie.

We're all sorry about cousin Ned.

Yeah, Steph, I practically had to force down

that piece of cake.

Stephanie, we all talked it over,

and we're going to stay for the funeral tomorrow.

Then, how am I going to get home?

Stephanie, aren't you staying for the funeral?

No.

But-- but Ned was your favorite relative.

That was before he died.

Stephanie,

what is the real reason you don't wanna go?

Well,

doesn't a minister just come out, talk about death,

and depress everybody?

Haven't you ever been to a funeral?

Well, no.

Mommy and Daddy always liked to shield me

from yucky things.

Funerals aren't so bad, Steph.

I, uh, I just concentrate on the snacks afterwards.

Keep thinking, "Buffet, buffet, buffet."

And after about, oh, 75 times, you'll be there.

What if I cry in public?

Stephanie, this-- this is a funeral.

Everybody... cries at a funeral.

That's... that's why they were invented.

It's a-- It's a way for people to release

their feelings so they can... so they can feel better.

Stephanie, you'll be among family and friends.

It can be very comforting.

But will I really feel better if I go?

Millions of mourners... can't be wrong.

Well...

I guess I would like to go for cousin Ned.

Come on, Michael.

Boy, I hate it when the Grim Reaper

steps on my cupcake.

[ Organ music ]

Thank you for coming.

This is a lovely chapel.

Well, when God comes to call,

we want Him to have a nice room.

Boy, if I could have my funeral in here,

it'd be the best day of my life.

Uh, Loudon, I, um... I'm in a bit of a jam.

You see, I have to tip the minister

after the service, and, as usual, I'm cash-poor.

I wonder, could you spot me a C-Note?

Um...

How-- how about 20s?

I seem to be... fresh out of C-Notes.

Thanks, Loudon. I'll catch you later.

Stephanie, you came to the funeral.

That was very good. Now, run along.

Mommy, I'm staying.

A lifetime of shielding down the drain.

So, Steph, how-- how are you?

This is the worst place I've been with Ned

since the circus.

Steph-- Stephanie, you'll-- you'll be fine.

You're-- you're among family and friends.

Family or friends?

Uh, do you have a "Had One Interesting Conversation

With Him" section?

Right this way.

Miss Vanderkellen.

-Family or friend... -Buffet.

I mean-- I mean, friend.

Michael, how's Stephanie doing?

So far no mascara meltdown.

You know, Dick,

when you die, I'm gonna cry at your funeral.

Well... well, thanks.

And when you die, George, I'll-- I'll cry at yours.

One of us is not gonna be able to follow through on this.

Thank you all for gathering here

to pay your final respects to cousin Ned.

Ned had a full life.

He lived a hundred years.

He was successful,

he was healthy,

except for that last minute, of course,

but he died peacefully in the midst

of an absolutely top-notch birthday party.

And although it was his greatest passion,

not once did he sue a family member.

Instead, his patience and kindness

made it possible for us to settle out of court.

And now, Ned has passed on.

So finally, I'd like to say just this:

These things happen. Thank you.

[ Coughing ]

Wow. That speech was 47 buffets long.

So far Stephanie seems to be doing okay.

Uh-oh. Here comes the big gun.

Ned Vanderkellen... is dead.

What does this mean, to be dead?

To some of us it means the loss of a dear friend...

[ Sobbing ]

...and to others the loss of a beloved family member.

But just because... we will never see him,

never greet him,

never hear him regale us with those...

wonderful stories of Babe Ruth,

Charlie Chaplin,

and those colorful anecdotes about The Depression,

that doesn't mean that he won't live on

in our hearts and our memories.

We all have that special memory of Ned, huh?

A moment where... he touched our lives.

[ Sobs, sniffs ]

Hold on to that memory,

because Ned... is gone now.

[ Sobs ]

Good-bye, Ned.

Good-bye.

[ Sobs ]

See, I-- I told you you'd feel better.

Gee, it seems kind of cold-blooded

having the will reading right after the funeral.

George, do you know what a day's interest is

on a bazillion dollars?

Michael, is Stephanie okay?

She is, but no thanks to Dick.

Good advice on that crying thing.

You'd probably tell the Titanic, "Full speed ahead."

I only told her it was all right to cry at a funeral.

Dick, don't repeat it!

Poor Steph, humiliating herself like that.

I'm just glad the lid was on Ned's urn,

so he didn't have to see it.

Would you please tell Dick I would like

to go back to the inn now?

Steph, we can't leave. They're about to read the will.

What is there's a "Must Be Present to Inherit" clause?

I don't care. I wanna leave.

My family will have a much harder time ignoring me

if I'm not here.

Stephanie, your family is not gonna hold this against you.

Are you kidding?

They're probably too embarrassed

to even speak to me.

Well, I can't blame them.

How could I have done such a stupid,

compassionate thing?

Stupid, stupid death.

Stephanie, it was perfectly normal for you to cry.

In fact, the only Vanderkellens

that acted naturally at the funeral this morning were...

were you and-- and Ned.

I was the only one in my family who cried.

Stephanie, I-- I don't know if-- if you ever noticed, but...

your-- your family is a little... different.

They are?

I'm-- I'm not saying they're The Munsters, but...

They're-- they're not exactly Ozzie and Harriet either.

Dick, are you saying that I was right

and they were wrong?

Sort of.

Mommy, Daddy,

Dick said I was right to cry at the funeral,

and that you're weird.

Cheap shot, Loudon.

That isn't exactly what I said.

I just told Stephanie that she...

shouldn't feel guilty about expressing...

Although, uh, the expression of feelings...

sometimes can-- can make some people...

Oh, honey. Look, what a great painting.

Daddy...

It wasn't my fault that I cried.

I couldn't help it. It all just...

Stephanie, if you're about to say something

intensely personal and intimate,

please don't.

But, Daddy, Dick said crying at a funeral is normal.

I disagree.

"Boo hoo hoo" is not a phrase

in the Vanderkellen vocabulary.

Well, then, I guess there must be something wrong with me.

I guess I'm not up to being a Vanderkellen.

Stephanie, don't say that. You're taking this too hard.

Every family has their black sheep.

Maybe Stephanie could be ours.

How about it, Arthur?

Well, I suppose I could soundproof the east wing

for the occasional outburst.

Then, you understand? You think it's okay?

I'll accept it, but I can't understand it.

Oh.

Could everyone please take a seat?

Come on, Dick. We should go.

Honey, no way.

If Arthur inherits cash,

I wanna be first in line to get my tip money back.

Good afternoon.

"I, Ned Vanderkellen,

being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath all of my estate and fortune

to my favorite charity,

The Babe Ruth Leagues of America.

Furthermore, if any of you contest this will,

my lawyers will sue your pants off."

[ Sobs ]

[ Continues sobbing ]

You see? You were wrong! My family is normal!

[ Sobs ]

Don't go away. Newhart will be right back.

Mommy...

Daddy, at least this sad experience

has brought us a lot closer.

Well, good-bye, everybody.

Bye, Art.

Thanks-- thanks for having us.

Well, thank you for coming.

[ Clears throat ]

That was a... real nice-- real nice party.

Especially when...

when they delivered that cake.

I'm glad you liked it.

The-- uh,

the minister gave a-- a great-- great sermon.

If they'd have-- they'd have passed the basket,

I probably would have put a C-Note in it.

No need to stretch out the good-byes, Loudon.

I'm sure we'll see each other again soon.

I have a delivery for Mister, uh, Vanderkellen.

Come on, honey, let's try and cut our losses.

Uh, just a minute, Loudon. Just a minute.

Uh, you forget I owe you 150 dollars.

Oh! Oh, that's right.

It-- It completely slipped my mind.

[ Laughs ]

I called the bank and had them

rush over your cash.

Here it is.

Oh, it, uh-- uh, thanks.

And thank you, young man.

Uh, oh, young man, uh, just a minute.

Oh, Loudon, uh...

Meow.