Original subtitles

Well,

I got rid of that squeak, Dick.

Yeah. Thanks, George.

Don't thank me. Thank this oil.

I'd... I'd rather just-- just thank you, George.

Is there anything else you want me to do, Dick?

No, I-- I think that's it.

Great.

For the first time since I can remember,

I have absolutely nothing to do.

I haven't done my job so well,

I've made myself obsolete, have I, Dick?

Come on, George. You...

you know this inn.

Something's breaking all the time.

You sure that's not just wishful thinking?

Yeah.

Well...

I hope something breaks pretty soon.

We all do, George.

Whoa!

Di-- Diane.

You recognized me.

I-- I-- I recognized you.

What-- what-- what are you doing here?

Kissing you on the lips, Dick.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, uh, uh, sorry.

Uh, Diane, this is George Utley. George, this is...

Diane Beckwith.

You're not gonna say hi to me, like you did to Dick, are ya?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Dick and I are old friends.

But actually my name is Diane Gordon.

Some old friend, Dick. You don't even know her name.

Oh, well, George, Dick couldn't have known.

You see, I just switched back to my maiden name

after getting my divorce three months ago.

Uh-oh.

Well, I figured after getting away from Arnold,

I may as well get away from everything for a while,

do a little skiing.

Where better than in Vermont

while staying at Dick Loudon's inn?

I think Joanna could suggest a few places.

So, do you have a room?

Uh, uh, I-- Yeah.

He has a wife, too.

George.

I look forward to meeting her.

And spending some time with you.

Ah. Same here, although, uh,

I get to be with me most of the time.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I'm going to unpack and hit the slopes.

Hopefully, not with my behind.

Uh, uh, George will help you with your bags.

Oh. Thank you, George.

Dick, I don't think you should let her stay here.

George, it's nothing to worry about.

Come on, Dick.

She kissed you, and then she mentioned her behind.

George,

she's somebody I used to go with in college.

It's-- it's-- it's nothing.

I'm sure Joanna will think it's nothing, too, Dick.

Joanna, should we really be going through all this?

I heard it was better to eat natural foods.

Stephanie, vegetables are natural foods.

Well...

then, we should serve them in their natural size,

instead of going through all this.

[ Sniffs ]

Okay, Stephanie,

you don't have to chop any more onions.

I'm not chopping onions.

I just don't like being here.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi.

This sounds pretty intimate. I should probably leave.

Stephanie!

Um, a-- a guest-- a guest just checked in.

Oh, that's good.

[ Clears throat ] She's a...

she's a-- she's a woman.

Well, they're one of the two best kinds.

[ Chuckles ]

Ac-- actually, she's a-- she's a woman I-- I--

I used to know in college.

Uh, Stephanie, maybe, uh-- maybe, you better leave.

Are you kidding?

An-- anyway, I-- I used to-- I used to date her

in college and, uh,

and now she's-- now she's here.

Did-- did you hear that, uh, George has run out

of things to do?

Dick has an old flame!

She's not old.

And-- and she-- and she's not a flame.

Uh, she was more like an-- an ember.

Dick, you are so cute.

Honey, it's silly of you to be uncomfortable

just because a former girlfriend is staying here.

It-- it is?

Uh, good. Well, you know, I-- I thought so.

I-- I just wanted to make sure that...

that you thought so, too.

-You wanna know what I think? -No.

When do I get to meet her?

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I-- I guess-- I guess now is as good a time as any.

Um, Diane, this is my wife Joanna. Joanna, this is...

Diane Gordon.

Oh, you're the Diane

Dick dated his senior year of college.

He's told me all about you. Nice to meet you.

You, too.

So, you're the woman who married Scooter.

Scooter?

DIANE: Uh, oh, yes.

That-- that was my nickname for Dick in college.

He used to ride around campus on a red scooter.

A scooter?

A motor scooter.

He never told you that?

Would you?

Uh, Diane, this is, uh, Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I'm sorry we couldn't meet under different circumstances.

What do you mean?

Well, look at us. We're in a kitchen.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Well, I-- I'm sorry to just barge in here like this,

but I thought maybe I could get a snack

before going skiing.

Well, we have vegetables.

Are those cupcakes?

Oh, yeah. Would you like one?

Oh, uh, maybe a half.

Oh, what the hell.

Give me the whole thing.

Who needs to exhale?

[ Laughs ]

And how would you like to join us for dinner tonight?

Say about 8 o'clock?

I'd love to hear more about Scooter.

Oh, I'd enjoy hearing more about the innkeeper.

Oh, good, then, it's set. Tonight, dinner...

and Dick Loudon: Then and Now.

I'm glad I have a date.

Boy, you really dressed up.

What-- what do you mean?

I mean look at you.

[ Chuckles ]

Honey, it isn't like I haven't worn this suit before.

Yes, it is. You've never worn that suit before.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, but the tie has been around the block.

Gee, look at you two.

That a new suit, Dick?

Yes. Yes, George.

So does anything in here need repairing?

I don't think so, George.

Darn. The dining room was my last hope.

Why can't a real clumsy guy check in?

George, you know, I think...

I think-- I think this lamp might be broken.

Really? Oh, boy!

Don't toy with me, Dick.

George, you should just be proud of the work

you've done here

and enjoy your time off.

Boy, where's a squeak when you need one?

I'm going to check on dinner.

Okay.

Dick, do you realize this is the first time

you will have dated both of us together?

I just hope I'm the one you end up with tonight.

We'll see how you do.

Oh, made in England. Nice job, too.

New suit?

Uh, yeah.

You look nice.

I know.

No, I-- I mean, I-- I just--

I just looked at myself in the plate.

You-- you look nice, too.

-Oh. -See?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, there you are. How was skiing?

Oh, it was fun.

Good.

Okay, enough small talk.

I wanna hear all about Scooter.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]

-No! -Yes.

[ Laughing ]

Uh, but enough about this... this crazy Scooter guy.

[ Chuckles ]

Let's, uh-- let's talk about my television show.

It's on every weekend.

Oh, weekends.

I always used to go see Dick at the basketball games

on weekends.

Dick, you never told me you played college basketball.

Well...

He was the scorekeeper.

Honey, a-- a guy can shoot a winning basket

in triple overtime and--

and -- and until I put the points on the board,

the game is not over.

But, you know, let's talk about the present.

I didn't peak with scorekeeping.

You know, my life is, uh, pretty darn neat right now.

How did you two meet?

Uh, in school. Surprise, surprise.

[ Chuckling ]

How did you and Dick meet?

We were both working at the same ad agency.

He used to steal all these paperclips off my desk,

then return them bent up in all these different shapes

and insist they were pieces of modern art.

[ Chuckles ]

And-- and do you realize if you'd kept any of them

we could have retired by now?

Oh, and then he used to try out

some of his ad campaigns on me

before he'd present them in a meeting.

What was the worst one?

What-- what kind of question is that?

Oh, come on.

Worsts are always more fun than bests.

Oh, well, now, the worst one I remember was

Dick's campaign

to get people to use more Brylcreem.

His slogan was

"Brylcreem: A Big Glob Will Do Ya."

[ Laughing ]

You gotta love a guy with a mind like that.

[ Continues laughing ]

Is that what first attracted you to Dick?

Yeah, I guess so. What attracted you?

Well, uh, I think his caring,

-JOANNA: Yeah. -DIANE: his kindness...

his legs.

You're kidding.

If you don't mind, I'd-- I'd like to

step into another dimension.

Oh, honey, come on. We're just having fun.

I-- I know I am.

[ Laughing ]

What else can we compare about him?

Well, let's see.

Oh, I know. How did he propose to you?

Here's-- here's something interesting...

About Diane. Uh...

Did you know that she-- she makes her own quilts?

Honey, that was a-- that was a real good dinner.

The-- the-- the food part, I mean.

See, you, uh-- you were wrong.

When I married you and when else?

When-- when you said that, uh, I was silly to

be uncomfortable that-- that she was here.

That's because I didn't know that you'd proposed to her.

What else don't I know about you, Dick?

If, in fact, that is your name.

Joanna...

Why didn't you ever tell me about this?

I did tell you.

You never.

Well, you might have been asleep.

I-- I mean, this-- this isn't the kind of thing that a...

that a-- a wife likes to hear.

At-- at least, judging by the reaction so far.

If she'd said "yes" when you proposed,

would you have married her?

That-- that's only polite.

[ Gasps ]

I can't believe you wanted to spend your life

with somebody else.

How am I supposed to deal with this, Dick?

In a-- in a calm, rational manner?

[ Gasps ]

Is this her ring?

Of-- of course not.

I bought her a one-carat ring.

That's bigger than mine!

-Honey, I'd been burned once. -Oh!

Honey, the-- the-- the reason I didn't...

tell you a-- about this before is because...

proposing to Diane was-- was probably the most...

humiliating experience of-- of my life.

Sort of like tonight's dinner was for me?

A-- anyway,

I-- I brought her to the auditorium

late one night and...

I got up on stage, and I got down on-- on one knee and--

and I proposed...

and-- and she laughed.

And-- and-- and what a laugh.

I mean, the-- the--

the acoustics were really good in there.

You gave all that thought to proposing to her?

You just turned to me on a bus and said,

"What say we get married?"

Hon-- honey, you're-- you're missing the point.

I don't think I know you.

Well, in-- in that case, how do--

how do you feel about sleeping with strangers?

[ Laughs ]

Hon-- honey, this-- this-- this is silly.

I mean, when I-- when I proposed to Diane,

I-- I didn't even know you.

Besides, I-- I don't think

she was really ever that interested in me.

Well, maybe she's interested now.

Oh, honey, come on.

She shows up out of nowhere on the heels of her divorce

at the inn of a man who bought her

a gargantuan ring.

You figure it out.

Honey, she's-- she's-- she's not after me.

I mean, aft-- after all, I'm a-- I'm-- I'm a married man.

Right?

Morning, everyone.

Let, uh-- let me guess. You told them.

How could you, Dick?

George, I-- I didn't know Joanna then.

You probably had another handyman

in your past, too, huh?

I hope you want breakfast because I'm not getting you any.

Jo-- Joanna, what do you want me to do?

I can't go back in time and not propose to her.

Have you tried?

I-- I know.

What-- what if I promise

never to propose to another woman again?

You're all overreacting.

It was a long time ago!

Hi, sheik. So where's the harem?

[ Giggles ]

Michael...

So I guess you'll be packing for Utah, huh?

[ Giggles ]

Leave it alone, Michael.

Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Heat up that cold stare.

This guy's impressed.

You've got one knockout-looking wife

and another one waiting in the wings.

She isn't waiting in any wings.

Oh, sure, Dick.

She just stumbled onto your inn by accident?

Quite a coinky-dinky, don't you think?

Michael, I-- I don't generally think

in terms of "coinky-dinkies".

She came here to ski.

Dick, get with it.

Do you need the writing on the wall to be in neon?

[ Chuckles ]

She's recently divorced, isn't she?

It's obvious she came up here hoping you'd be like Kareem

and grab that rebound.

Michael, when I asked her to marry me back in college,

she laughed in my-- She said no.

Well, you were probably just some runty kid back then.

But-- but look at you now, you're a successful author,

an innkeeper, a popular TV host,

thanks to yours truly.

Except for the fact that you're married,

you're the most eligible older guy in town.

Now that she sees what she's missed,

she's gotta want you.

I guess maybe she did make a pretty big mistake.

That's using the old ego, Dick.

And if you need any more help with Wife Number One

or Bachelorette Number Two,

you know who to turn to.

I mean, if there's one thing I know,

it's how to handle women.

-STEPHANIE: Michael! -Right there, Steph!

Uh, Dick, I've been thinking.

Since it was so long ago that you proposed to Diane

and since you didn't have me to turn to for advice

back then, well,

I've decided to forgive you.

Thanks, George.

You-- you were the one I was most worried about.

Oh, that-- oh, that's nice, George.

You're reading one of my books.

Yeah. I thought Shelf Help deserved a second read.

Besides, since I can't be a handyman anymore,

I figured reading about it might help me relive

my glory days.

Look at this.

"Put Peg A into Groove B."

Boy, does that bring back a lot of memories.

George, your career isn't over.

Dick, I didn't even put on my hammer this morning.

George, you-- you're our handyman.

That-- that's your job for-- for as long as you want it,

whether anything ever breaks again or not.

Really, Dick?

Yes, George, just treat it like a--

a mini-paid vacation. Go-- go crazy.

Well, I haven't been ice fishing in a while.

Well, go to it, you nut.

Thanks, Dick.

If there's ever a handyman's hall of fame,

I'm gonna see to it that you're in it.

Excuse me, but, uh, our radiator isn't working.

Oh, that's great.

Our-- our-- our handyman'll be right up.

Did-- did you hear that, George?

Yeah, I guess I'm gonna go put on my hammer.

George-- George, I-- I thought you wanted something to fix.

Well, that was before you got me all hepped up

to go ice fishing.

Thanks a lot, Dick.

Oh, there you are.

Just the man I've been looking for.

I-- I know. Um...

D-- Diane, can we-- can we talk for a minute?

Sure.

What are we going to talk about?

Um... us.

Oh.

Um, n-- not-- not us. I mean, y-- you-- you and me.

Isn't that us?

Diane... I'm married.

I know. I had dinner with you and your wife last night.

No. No, I mean-- I mean, really married.

I-- I love Joanna,

and-- and even though you're free,

I-- I-- I'm not.

And-- and I'm not going to be... anytime again.

Now, I-- I know it's-- it's hard to accept,

you know,

my life turning out as well as it did, but...

[ Sighs ]

I mean, you-- you had-- you had your chance.

You-- you think I'm after you?

Hey, I don't need the writing on the wall

to be in neon.

Dick, I-- I-- I'm not. Really.

Come on.

Ar-- are you saying that you wouldn't be

at all interested now if I said,

"Diane, will you marry me?"

[ Laughs ]

Well, at least the acoustics aren't as good.

Dick, I-- I-- I, um...

I-- I don't think we were ever meant to be a couple.

I-- I think we were meant to be a couple of friends.

Oh, you know, that's-- that's the way I've always felt.

[ Chuckles ]

Why...

why-- were you looking for me if it wasn't...

because you were after me?

I wanted to check out.

That...

that would be my second guess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi. Hi, honey.

Uh, she-- she-- she dropped-- she dropped this.

Her... her key. Here.

See?

Uh, Joanna. Joanna, please, wait.

I-- I understand there's been some...

tension because of my being here,

but really it's all so silly.

Believe me, I'm not at all interested in your husband.

Uh, really, Dick is not my type.

He never has been, he never will be.

Maybe you can imagine the two of us together,

but trust me, I can't.

I mean, there was hardly that much between us back in...

All-- all right!

She's-- she's convinced.

Well, thanks for telling me that.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dick, I-- I'm sorry. I--

Well, it has been nice seeing you again.

Yeah. Yeah, we-- we had some laughs.

Well, I have some packing to do.

Dick, I'm sure she exaggerated some of that

just to make me feel better.

Yeah. Yeah. Me-- me, too.

I mean, what woman could really resist Dick Loudon?

More than-- more than I care to remember.

Oh, and, um,

thank you for saying yes when-- when I proposed

with-- without even a snicker.

[ Chuckles ]

My pleasure.

Dick, you know, I just think the thing that upset me the most

about all this,

besides you not telling me before, was

wondering, you know,

if you'd had the choice between us,

would you have picked me?

Honey, be-- between you and anybody I--

I would have picked you.

Oh.

Oh!

Now, how 'bout I take my first choice out to lunch?

Okay.

I just hope there are no more deep dark secrets

that I don't know about you.

Honey, don't worry.

[ Laughs ]

Daddy!

Meow.