Original subtitles

Oh. Hi. Um, is--

Is Room 6 available? That's my favorite.

Oh, you've been to the Stratford before?

Oh, you bet. The old place still looks the same

as the last time I was here.

When, uh-- when was that?

1775.

Ah. We-- we've had those two chairs reupholstered since then.

It works. Jonathan Curtis. Ah, this life, Jonathan Curtis.

Dick-- Dick Loudon. That would be this life, too.

You know, the last time I was here,

I was a scared young fur trapper

named Patrick Todd,

on my way to join General Washington's militia.

Well, I can't tell you how many times

this innkeeper's heard that story.

Oh, George, would you show Mr. Curtis to his room?

Sure. Oh, you're in the John Hancock room.

You named a room after him after he stole all those towels?

He did? Well, I guess my history teacher was covering that up.

Dick, do you really think we should've let that guy check in?

Honey, I'm not gonna discriminate against a man

because of race, creed or number of lives.

Good morning, Dick.

Jim, Chester.

Dick, as mayor I've selected you to do a big favor for the town.

It's a great honor.

Especially for a newcomer.

A newcomer? Joanna and I have lived here for five years.

We know, but we're still willing to take the risk.

Dick, the town library is suffering

from a serious book shortage.

Yeah, everyone's already read the ones we got.

And to make matters worse,

some scofflaws haven't been returning their overdue books.

Oh, that-- [ Clears throat ] that reminds me.

I've been meaning to return those.

So that's what happened to the fiction wing.

Well, call me irresponsible,

but with your advertising background and all,

I think you're the man to be in charge

of getting more books for the library.

You mean, a-- a book drive.

Wow. He's already come up with a catch phrase.

So you'll do it, Dick?

Oh, I-- I'd be honored. I guess all this, uh,

unpacking and settling in is just gonna have to wait.

Dick, do I have to wait on the dead guy?

He gives me the creeps.

Stephanie, Mr. Curtis is not dead. He is reincarnated.

All right, so he's alive on a technicality.

I want you to treat him like any of our living guests.

After all, he's a repeat customer.

Okay. But I don't have to wait on him if he starts to decay.

Deal.

How's it going with the book drive?

Oh, um, pretty good.

It would help if I had someone to bounce ideas off of,

like I did in my ad agency days.

Honey, would-- would you stick around for a while?

That sounds like fun. Okay.

Raising money to buy books.

Book drive, book drive, book drive.

What about an auction?

Honey, you're the bouncee, I-- I'm the bouncer.

Sorry.

Now, I-- Where was I?

"Book drive, book drive, book drive."

Right. Book drive. Raising money to buy books.

Buying books, borrowing books, adopting books-- adopt a book!

That's it. Joanna, you're incredible.

What's "Adopt a Book"?

Honey, you were there.

We make a list of books we want,

and then people take up the money to adopt a book

for the library.

Oh, that's really cute.

Yeah, we'll make posters.

I see, uh, Hemingway, Poe,

Shakespeare, in-- in baby bonnets,

saying, "Adopt me. Adopt me."

Oh, this is great. It's starting to write itself.

Yeah, all you have to do is

get a couple of back-up ideas, and you're all set.

Back-up ideas?

Joanna, when you've been in the ad game as long as I have, you--

you can smell a winner.

Adopt a book. Take a whiff.

If I catch any of you doing it again,

I'm gonna collar you and toss you in the slammer.

Have a nice day.

Thank you, Officer Shifflett.

And let's hope that puts an end

calling teachers bad names at PTA meetings.

Those eggheads are entitled

to as much protection as anybody else.

And now to the next order of business.

As most of you know, the library has been suffering

from a marked shortage of volumes.

Yeah, does anybody know who gutted the fiction wing?

And I'm proud to announce

that because of his advertising background,

we've asked Dick Loudon to help us solve the problem.

Excuse me, but we should we be giving so much responsibility

to such a blatant newcomer?

Harley, the Loudons have been here longer than you.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

We realized when this town wants to know

what's acceptable and what ain't,

it takes its cue from us.

And we're giving him thumbs up.

Thanks, Larry.

Sure he has his quirks,

but with adequate supervision, we think he'll do a fine job.

Well, with that vote of confidence,

here he is: Dick Loudon.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Wow, look at that easel.

And a special thanks to George Utley

for making this easel.

[ Applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have an idea that is gonna get the library so many books

that someone is going to actually have to alphabetize

the card catalog.

Wow.

Holy.

How are we going to get

all these wonderful works of literature?

Where is the money coming from?

Three magic words: Adopt-A-Book.

How does it work? As simple as its title.

A person picks out the book of his choice.

In return, his name is engraved on the jacket

alongside the name of one of these gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Adopt-A-book.

What else you got, Dick?

Trust me, people won't be able to resist this idea.

Who are those ugly babies?

All right, for-- forget the poster.

The-- the adopt-a-book idea is-- is a winner.

Boy, guy blows into town, says he's been in advertising,

and we believe him.

Hi. I'd like to rescind our previous endorsement.

Now, now. Dick's a professional.

I'm sure he wouldn't come in here without some backup ideas.

Go ahead, Dick.

Well, I, you know, I-- I have some, but, uh, you know,

I don't--

I don't have any that were, um, that were really,

you know, thought-- you know, thought through carefully.

Honey. Honey. What about the auction idea?

Honey, nobody's gonna get excited about an auction.

Auction! Hey, that's a great idea!

Yeah.

[ Approving murmurs ]

Ac-- actually, the auction was, uh-- was Joanna's idea.

[ Approving murmurs ]

Ooh.

Wow.

That's great.

No babies with beards.

Let's hear it for Joanna!

[ Applause ]

Well, if you liked it here so much the first time,

why did you wait 200 years to come back?

Actually, I tried once, about 50 years ago

when I was a grasshopper.

Got as far as the front porch before some kid caught me

in a mayonnaise jar,

and the little bugger forgot to punch holes in the lid.

[ Sighs ]

That wasn't me. I always punched holes.

Don't mind me. Just here for the meeting to plan the big auction.

Just talk among yourselves.

Anyway, George, being a bug is always the worst.

Yeah.

Story has a happy ending, though.

Couple of days later, I came back as a housefly.

I figure, what the hell?

I'm looking at a two-day lifespan, tops.

So that morning, I dive bomb the little beggar's corn flakes.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, revenge is sweet.

Excuse me, ma'am.

What can you tell me about the male cauc schmoozing

with your handyman?

Oh, he's some dead guy who checked in yesterday.

I had a hunch.

All I can say is, I would only come back as myself.

I'm sorry, you can't do that.

Well, then, you just forget it.

All right.

Officer Shifflett. Welcome to our town.

Where are you from, stranger?

Oh, here and there. Now and then.

I'll be watchin' ya.

Well, seems we're all here.

Start the meeting.

Let the record show I was here first.

Since we're having an auction,

my guess is we're gonna need an auctioneer.

I hired one from the Boston Guild,

and he comes with his own gavel.

Wow, she's good.

Oh, boy. Dick's here.

Don't, uh-- don't mind me. I'm just getting a cup of coffee.

Honey, are you sure you won't stay? We could use your help.

Honey, the-- the auction was your idea.

Besides, what could I add? People bid, people buy.

Well, I made a lot of calls today,

and everybody wants to give something.

And get this, Ted down at NOAC Antiques

has agreed to donate a whole bunch of stuff.

Well, that's terrific.

Then, all we have to do

is decide where to have the auction.

Gee, it's too late in the year to have it outside.

Why don't we try the library?

Plenty of room. There's no books there.

I checked,

but Mrs. Turelle said the auctioneer

would have to whisper.

Uh, ex-- excuse me, guys. I don't mean to interrupt, but,

uh, the reason I couldn't get behind this--

this auction thing was...

I had a feeling you were gonna run into big problems.

I, uh-- I have a new idea that,

uh, doesn't have any locations snag.

What is it, Dick?

Picture this.

We have a booth in town

where people buy books for the library directly.

Maybe a donor's card on the cover with the donor's name.

I call it Foster Books.

Boy, talk about beating a dead horse.

Okay, but, uh, good luck finding a place

where the town can have an auction.

Hey, what about the town hall?

That, uh-- that could work.

Thanks for your help, honey.

I think the town hall is the perfect place.

I think so.

There's plenty of room for everything, plenty of room for--

Dick, do you believe this turn out?

It's everything we hoped for.

And-- and more.

Oh, hi, Joanna. Can you believe all this?

It just goes to show you how this town

gets behind a really great idea.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, hi, Dick.

Joanna, the auctioneer is really anxious to meet the lady

who put this all together.

Oh! Honey, I'll be right back.

Gee, Dick, it-- it took a lot of guts

for you to show up at Joanna's auction.

Did she make you come?

JJ, I don't expect you to understand this,

but I'm hoping it'll be just as big a success as everyone else.

Sure, Dick. I'd like to run that smile through a polygraph.

Honey, this is James Reeves,

he's the auctioneer from the Boston guild.

This is my husband, Dick.

So everybody tells me you're an auction hater.

Well, who-- who are you gonna believe? Me or-- or everybody?

[ Chuckles ] Okay, people.

Let's start the auction and the bidding.

Our first item is contributed by Miss Stephanie Vanderkellen.

A strand of gold appraised as priceless.

It's hair.

Why not?

Five dollars.

I have five dollars.

Five-dollar bid--

Michael, bid now!

But, cupcake, I already have enough of your locks at home

to weave a car cover.

Michael, do you want my hair on another man's pillow?

Ten dollars.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Twenty-five dollars.

To you, sir.

Fifty dollars.

I have 50 dollars. Will anyone make it 60?

Sold to the gentleman for 50 dollars.

Wow, Dick, 50 dollars!

Must-- must be a new hair record.

Steph, you didn't donate anything else, did you?

Michael, even my generosity has its limits.

Our next item is a clock radio,

donated by Chester and Dora Wannamaker.

Why don't we start the bidding at 30 dollars? Do I hear 30?

Hey, Chester,

isn't that the one you always said was shorting out on ya?

Okay, do I hear 20? 20-dollar bid.

20-dollar bid, 20 dollar bid, 20 dollar bid down.

I'll give you 50 cents for it.

What are you gonna do with a busted radio?

When you're unemployed with nothing to do,

smashing things kinda fills the time.

Sold. For 50 cents.

Our next item, donated by Dewey Lahey,

is an "All Shook Up" salt-and-pepper set,

commemorating the death of Elvis Presley.

Well, let's, uh, start the bidding at, uh, 20 dollars.

Say, Dewey, did you ever get the nose back on the pepper one?

If it's breakable, I'll give you 50 cents for it.

Sold, again, for 50 cents.

Dick, tell me it's gonna get better.

Honey, you've just had two bad items in a row, that's all.

Our next item is donated by Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

A critter du jour dinner for three at the Minuteman Caf�.

I dare anyone to find anything wrong with that.

I don't know the Minuteman Caf�,

but I'm sure it's one of the finer restaurants in Vermont.

Why don't we open the bidding at 20 dollars? Do I hear 20?

Twenty-dollar bid down.

20-dollar bid, 20-dollar bid,

20-dollar bid, 20 dollar bid down.

Ten. Who will give me 10? Who will give me 10?

I'll take the first one-dollar bid.

One-dollar bid, one-dollar bid, one-dollar bid down.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's get on home so we can take this insult lyin' down.

Aw, feelings are being hurt. I wanna be nice. Michael, bid.

One dollar.

Sold! Finally.

You and Miss Stephanie are in for a treat.

Darryl, you best be checkin' the interstate,

find out just what that critter of the day is.

Why don't we just skip ahead to the big, undamaged items?

Donated by NOAC Antiques, we have a collection of toys,

dated between 1750 and 1770 and highlighted by this snow sled.

Appraised at 3,000 dollars.

Thank God for those.

I'll open the bidding at 1,000 dollars.

Do I hear 1,000? One thousand, 1,000, 1,000...

My sled! Oh! And Harry the Horse! And my skates! [ Laughs ]

Drop that toy or you're a dead man, dead man.

Hey, these toys are mine.

My father made them for me when I was a little boy.

Wow, some antiques. That sled must be all of 20 years old.

Wait, everybody wait, please! Please come back.

It's all right, they're real antiques. He's reincarnated.

I'll give you 50 cents for it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Loudon, but I could lose my license

for presiding over a sham auction.

God only knows if the Elvis shakers were legit.

Oh, everyone! Everyone, wait! Please come back!

What for? We don't even have an auctioneer.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What do we do?

The, uh-- the next item up for bid--

Dick, the auction's over.

The auction isn't over until the fat lady is sold.

Our-- our next item is this--

is this cookie jar, and-- and we'll--

and we'll start the, uh, the bidding at-- at one dollar.

Do-- do I-- do I-- do I hear one dollar?

Could you speed it up, Dick? We're dozing off here.

[ Clears throat ] One-- one dollar, one dolly--

one dolly-ollar bid.

One d-- one-- one dolly-- one dolly-ollar,

one dolly-ollar bid.

Do I-- do I hear two?

Two do-- two-- two dollar-- two dolly--

two dolly-ollar bid.

Well, you know, we had Mrs. Peterson

sold on this waffle iron

when she made a sharp turn, and I rolled off the hood.

Okay, Dick. Let's hear it.

Aren't you gonna say, "I told you so"?

May-- maybe not.

It was a total disaster.

It wasn't a total disaster. Ha-- Harley had the fever.

I-- I had to lend him 50 cents.

What good can 347 dollars do for a library?

[ Sighs ] If only Stephanie had donated more hair.

Would it help if I bid 20 dollars on the waffle iron?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, honey. You were so sweet.

Probably the world's worst auctioneer, but darn sweet.

Especially since a part of you wanted this auction to fail.

That's-- that's not true.

Well, may-- you know, maybe a tiny part.

But I-- I didn't want it to be a complete failure.

I just didn't want it to be, you know, a rousing success.

Well, I wish we could have raised

a few thousand for the library.

We just let the town down, Dick.

There they are.

It's okay, honey. I don't smell any tar.

Listen, everyone,

I want to apologize for letting you all down.

What do you mean, apologize?

Didn't you hear? We raised 347 dollars.

Yeah, a new town-fundraising record.

That's the record?

It's the first time we cracked

that elusive three-- figure barrier.

With the library discount,

we should be able to add about 70 new books.

And based on this rousing success,

you're no longer a newcomer.

Joanna, you're a full-fledged member of the town.

Well, thank you. What about Dick?

Any more ideas, Dick?

No.

Welcome to our town.

Oh!

Meow.