Original subtitles

Previously, on "Newhart".

You cannot date someone else and me,

nor can you kiss someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Good-bye, Steph.

What do you think?

Va-va-va-voom.

Dick?

I think I'd have to throw in an extra "va".

It's for the WPIV anniversary party.

Who'd imagine we'd be going to anything as elegant

as a premiere party in Vermont?

Oh, that reminds me.

I signed us up to bring the Jell-O mold

for the after-show potluck.

I can't wait to see you in the special.

You are in it, right?

Michael says I'm featured heavily.

And you trust that weaselhead after what he did to Stephanie?

Joanna, you're just mad at him

because he broke up with Stephanie.

He destroyed her.

I mean, there-- there are two sides to this thing.

Right and wrong.

Michael and Stephanie's.

I've never seen Stephanie this down.

[ Slamming floor cleaner on the ground ]

Feet up! Feet up!

So sad.

Feet up!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Jenkins, Mrs. Jenkins.

Her heart's been broken by a weasel.

Steph-- Stephanie, you can finish this later.

Fine.

Ah. I think I'll finish this later, too.

Hi. I'm Larry...

We know who you are.

You've told us a thousand times.

Do you think we're morons?

No, ma'am.

But we come bearing news that might move your spirits

in an upward direction.

I-- I-- I'd speed that along, Larry.

Miss Stephanie, we heard you was available,

and I've come a-callin'.

And to prove that my intentions are sincere,

I've brought the traditional dating gifts.

Flowers, candy, and sausage casings.

He-- He is sincere.

Oh, Larry.

Out! Out! Out!

Dick, we have to do something.

I don't know, honey. Why don't we just leave her to her...

her grief?

At least until she's finished with the downstairs.

Hi, we're, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Whorley.

The newlyweds.

Uh-oh.

So you think you're in love.

Stephanie, we have to talk. I hate to see you like this,

so-- so upset, so hurt. So-- so-- so dangerous.

Stephanie, I-- I know you're torn up about Michael.

What? Me torn up?

Ha! Are you kidding? I haven't even thought of that name in...

What the hell does she look like, Dick?

Stephanie, I-- I don't wanna be in the middle of this

Michael-you thing.

Dick, I'm a desperate woman. I vacuumed under a bed.

She's, uh... she's medium with reddish hair.

Michael is a sick man.

Yeah. Uh, Joanna and I both feel

that your attitude is starting to affect your work...

Is he taking her to the WPIV party?

I-- I think so. We're-- We're very pleased with, uh,

with your new desire to clean.

It's a little scary, but-- but we're pleased.

What kind of a girl is she?

Uh, she's nice. However, the threats to the guests

have got to stop.

That's it? Nice?

Michael left blonde, perky, and drop-dead gorgeous for "nice"?

My God, whatever happened to the laws of nature?

So the upshot of what I'm trying to say is that...

It isn't doing you any good to-- to be so angry.

You should just, uh, calm down and get on with your life

and then maybe George will... stop having these nightmares.

All right, Dick.

I admit, I have been a little angry.

Maybe I should just try and relax

and take some other action instead.

Good for you.

Thanks, Dick.

So from now on, no more cleaning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt to be angry a couple days a week.

After this word, we'll be back with more

of the WPIV anniversary show.

I just wanna say, Michael, Susan, nice job.

Yeah, this has sure been a great show.

Maybe we should have a 50-year anniversary program every year.

And, Susan, thanks for all your hard work.

We're gonna miss you.

Thank you.

Um, uh, Michael,

I-- I haven't seen any footage of Vermont Today.

Hey, I'm trying to enjoy this clever wine cooler commercial

if you don't mind, Dick.

Trust me, Dick, you are featured.

No, there are only a few minutes left.

They're taking the covers off the casseroles.

Well, we've certainly gone down memory lane tonight.

But no anniversary show would be complete without a look

into our closet of goofs, gaffes, and blunders.

Here are some moments from Vermont Today.

I'd like to welcome today's guest, Mr. Static Electricity.

Hi, Dick. Shake.

[ Electrical buzzing ] Ah!

Sorry, Dick, uh, let me help you up.

[ Electrical buzzing ] Ah!

Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have.

Thanks for joining us at WPIV...

[ Appreciative mutterings ]

That was terrific. That was terrific.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

Well, Dick?

Michael, you-- you made me look like a fool.

Not really, Dick.

The whole thing was clearly Mr. Static Electricity's fault.

Well, I gotta run.

Susan looks like she could use some punch.

My God, look who's here!

Stephanie, what are you doing here?

Joanna, hi.

I don't believe you've met my date.

Robert, this is Dick and Joanna.

Dick, Joanna: Robert. We met at Dartmouth.

Oh. You attend Dartmouth?

No, I heard it was a great place to pick up chicks.

And sure enough, first day out, Stephanie picks me up.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I just thought that we'd stop by, and I'd say hello,

and Robert wouldn't say anything. Remember, Robert?

Oh... Right.

Uh, Stephanie, do you think this is such a good idea?

We'll see.

Oh! There's Michael now.

And if that's her, this was a brainstorm.

I got a punch for my Judy.

[ Laughing ]

I got you one, too.

Steph!

Michael, what are you doing here?

Steph, you here?

Now?

Have a punch.

Thank you.

I don't believe you've met my frequent date, Robert Cameron.

Hi.

And this-- This is Susan Polgar, my...

Uh, friend. How do you do?

I think I'll be just fine.

Nice party.

Excuse me. I-- I think I see someone, uh,

from the station.

My God, Michael, she's not even blonde.

I know.

Look, stop this foolishness now,

and I'll try to forgive you.

No, Steph, I like her.

I can't believe you.

Have you seen Robert in full profile?

You look great, Steph.

And he looks... manufactured.

Thanks.

But I'm here with Susan, and I think

you should go home now, please.

I'm back. Okay?

Good.

Michael, I wanted to play fair, but...

here I am right next to her.

Stephanie!

When you finally come to your senses,

Robert and I will be over there, billing and cooing.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, I'm sorry. I saw you come in here,

and I thought it must be the ladies' room.

With "Editing" on the door?

Yes.

Well, I guess now that the show is over,

and your job is finished, you'll be moving on.

I've taken a job in town.

Enough small talk.

Give him up, Susan. I had him first.

I don't really think seniority matters in these things.

Besides, Michael's free to do whatever he wants and...

He chooses to be with me.

Okay, what threats are you using?

None.

Oh, right.

[ Laughs ]

Despite my looks, I wasn't born yesterday.

Michael having fun with someone who isn't me?

[ Laughs ]

I mean, what could you two do?

Lots of things.

We talk about old TV shows.

Oh, well, sure.

You two have television in common,

but the things Michael and I share go much deeper.

Like fashion.

Well, we-- we also talk about other things,

like our pasts, our dreams, current events.

Ew.

Maybe Michael likes me because I'm nice to him.

Susan...

I wasn't going to tell you this, because...

I was trying to protect your feelings,

but the day Michael met you, I saw his to-do list,

and it said, "Meet a girl and break her heart".

Stephanie...

I know how hard it is to break up with a love.

Think about it, would you really want Michael,

knowing that he only came back because you came in here

and bullied me into letting him go?

I think I would.

Stephanie, Susan: opposite corners.

Were you mean to her, Steph?

Maybe she was mean to me!

Right. [ Laughs ]

Susan, mean. [ Continues laughing ]

Oh, well, it's just such a ludicrous thought.

Come on... Robert.

I don't know how you're going to get home.

Well, I finished my stack of anonymous letters,

expressing my outrage at the shabby treatment

Vermont Today got on the anniversary program.

And I--I finished the anonymous phone calls.

Are you sure they didn't know it was you?

[ In a fake voice ] I seriously doubt that.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

I'll just eat this dry toast up in my room, if you don't mind.

The guests' smiles are bringing me down.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess... maybe...

lots of "Poor Stephs" would help a little.

Poor Steph.

Thank you.

Poor-- Poor Steph.

Hi. We don't want to infuriate anyone,

so note the name tags.

Miss Stephanie, to help you check out of Heartbreak Hotel,

Darryl here is offering to court this Susan person

away from that gadabout Michael.

Larry...

I'd like to thank you for this offer

and apologize for the other day,

but I'm too depressed to deal with social graces.

Miss Stephanie, would it make you feel better

if we was to throw ourselves out?

Infinitely.

Done.

All right, you bumpkins, out.

Out.

I have to remember how she got them to do that.

I don't know what to do.

Joanna, you've been married forever.

How do you get a relationship to last?

Why, I'd say we love each other,

respect each other, we're nice to each other.

There's that word again.

And it has nothing to do with clothing?

Stephanie,

our relationship has lasted simply

because we meet each other's needs.

Well, you can't meet each other's every need.

What-- what do you mean?

I mean, no one person can meet another person's every need.

That's why we're special,

because I-- I meet all your needs.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Dick, you don't.

Fine. Name a need, I'll meet it.

This is silly. I'm not gonna name my needs.

G-- Go ahead. Name a need.

So, Stephanie, how you doing?

George...

You're supposed to be a nice person.

How does a person become nice?

Do you wanna be nice, Stephanie?

Well, it seems to be all the rage.

Boy, that'd be great.

Uh, let's see. First, you'd have to stop pouting,

not throw tantrums, and be kind to other people.

Maybe I'll just try this need-meeting thing

of Joanna and Dick's.

There you go, the 19 basic needs, named, counted, and met.

You can be a pain sometimes. You know that?

Okay, George, tell me the nice rules again.

Slowly.

Well...

Come on, come on.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you were gonna meet me out front 20 minutes ago.

Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.

Bev's making me answer all these anonymous letters.

I-- I'm slime. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Stop apologizing.

Why? Am I doing it wrong?

No, it's just not necessary.

Oh, that's right. You don't care.

I care about you. I just... don't care that you were late.

Hey, guess what? I, uh... I got something for ya.

Not another gift.

Correct for 500 dollars.

Michael, you practically buy me a gift a day.

You're welcome.

[ Sighs ]

I-- I can't enjoy something when I know you can't afford them.

I'm good at buying. I love to buy.

I know you are, but it makes me feel guilty.

Please return that.

Susan, I can exchange, but I don't know how to return.

Just-- just keep this one, lambchop.

Oh, sorry, I forgot. No nicknames.

It's okay.

I don't dislike lambchop, I just prefer Susan.

Like I prefer Michael to... Mikeybugs.

It was just-- It was just a passing thought.

This is sort of a fight, isn't it?

Well, not anymore.

Where are we going today?

Michael, you promised me you'd think of something.

Well, I'm just so bad at making these decisions.

Well, let's see, we could, uh... No, you wouldn't like that.

We could... No, I wouldn't like that. How 'bout...?

How 'bout we sit and talk?

Again?

Well, I-- it's just that we talked yesterday

and the day before that, and that sort of does it for me.

I never knew someone to run out of talk.

I never knew someone not to.

I mean, there are only so many topics.

I have one that needs discussing.

Badly.

What?

Us.

Lambchop and Mikeybug?

Hi, newlyweds.

I-- I wanted to apologize

for scaring you the other day when you checked in.

And for short-sheeting your bed.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

My boyfriend is on the way over right now,

and I have to be nice to him, so you'll have to leave.

Out. Out, out.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Steph. I rushed over as soon as I heard.

Here you go.

An emergency loofah sponge.

Thank you so much. You're a good friend.

Wait a minute.

Those elbows have been recently scrubbed and exfoliated!

I know. I lied.

Why?

I wanted you to come over so that we could...

...talk.

Really?

Yes.

Here. First, let me take your coat.

Michael, I've never done this before.

Do I just hang it with the others?

Would you like to sit down?

So what did you wanna talk about?

Michael, how have you been?

Okay. Steph, are you all right?

Fine, but enough about me.

Michael, what was your past like?

Do we really have to talk about that?

Well...

How about television? I saw Gilligan's Island .

And you left it on?

Mary Ann had some lovely gowns.

Ginger.

Oh, I-- I used to confuse them, too.

Look, Steph, if you don't mind, I really...

I'm not in the mood to...

to chat.

Oh, I see.

Well, isn't that just what you'd expect?

Michael, do you think a person can be nice

and angry at the same time?

I guess.

Good. Well, poo on you, Michael Harris.

If a person is trying to be pleasant and talk,

then the person she is trying to be pleasant to

should be courteous and talk back,

even if that person isn't precious Susan.

Is that what this is all about?

Just sit there.

Please.

Here.

What is this?

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

You made these by yourself?

[ Crying ]

I tried, but Joanna had to help.

Oh, Steph, what have I done to you?

[ Crying ] I'm nice!

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

For which?

Making me be like this or breaking up with me?

Both.

Oh.

Maybe.

Susan and I realized that our friendship happened

just because of the circumstances.

I mean, she and I were together day and... um, day.

But... we aren't right for each other.

Oh, Steph, I don't want kind!

I don't want nice! I want you!

Oh, Michael!

If I forgive you now, will you make it up to me later?

Yes.

And will I ever have to do this nice stuff again?

Maybe once in a blue moon.

And exactly how often is the moon blue?

Hardly ever, Steph.

Michael Harris,

this...

is yours again.

I don't deserve you.

That's the boy I love.

Meow.