All language subtitles for Newhart S05E06.en

Previously, on "Newhart".

You cannot date
someone else and me,

nor can you kiss
someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Good-bye, Steph.

What do you think?

Va-va-va-voom.

Dick?

I think I'd have to throw
in an extra "va".

It's for the WPIV
anniversary party.

Who'd imagine we'd be going to
anything as elegant

as a premiere party in Vermont?

Oh, that reminds me.

I signed us up to bring
the Jell-O mold

for the after-show potluck.

I can't wait to see you
in the special.

You are in it, right?

Michael says I'm
featured heavily.

And you trust that weaselhead
after what he did to Stephanie?

Joanna, you're just mad at him

because he broke up
with Stephanie.

He destroyed her.

I mean, there-- there are two
sides to this thing.

Right and wrong.

Michael and Stephanie's.

I've never seen
Stephanie this down.

[ Slamming floor cleaner
on the ground ]

Feet up! Feet up!

So sad.

Feet up!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Jenkins, Mrs.
Jenkins.

Her heart's been
broken by a weasel.

Steph-- Stephanie, you can
finish this later.

Fine.

Ah. I think I'll finish
this later, too.

Hi. I'm Larry...

We know who you are.

You've told us a thousand times.

Do you think we're morons?

No, ma'am.

But we come bearing news that
might move your spirits

in an upward direction.

I-- I-- I'd speed that along,
Larry.

Miss Stephanie, we heard
you was available,

and I've come a-callin'.

And to prove that my
intentions are sincere,

I've brought the
traditional dating gifts.

Flowers, candy, and
sausage casings.

He-- He is sincere.

Oh, Larry.

Out! Out! Out!

Dick, we have to do something.

I don't know, honey. Why don't
we just leave her to her...

her grief?

At least until she's finished
with the downstairs.

Hi, we're, uh, Mr. and Mrs.
Whorley.

The newlyweds.

Uh-oh.

So you think you're in love.

Stephanie, we have to talk. I
hate to see you like this,

so-- so upset, so hurt. So--
so-- so dangerous.

Stephanie, I-- I know you're
torn up about Michael.

What? Me torn up?

Ha! Are you kidding? I haven't
even thought of that name in...

What the hell does she
look like, Dick?

Stephanie, I-- I don't wanna be
in the middle of this

Michael-you thing.

Dick, I'm a desperate woman. I
vacuumed under a bed.

She's, uh... she's medium
with reddish hair.

Michael is a sick man.

Yeah. Uh, Joanna and I both feel

that your attitude is starting
to affect your work...

Is he taking her to
the WPIV party?

I-- I think so. We're-- We're
very pleased with, uh,

with your new desire to clean.

It's a little scary, but--
but we're pleased.

What kind of a girl is she?

Uh, she's nice. However, the
threats to the guests

have got to stop.

That's it? Nice?

Michael left blonde, perky, and
drop-dead gorgeous for "nice"?

My God, whatever happened to
the laws of nature?

So the upshot of what I'm
trying to say is that...

It isn't doing you any good
to-- to be so angry.

You should just, uh, calm down
and get on with your life

and then maybe George will...
stop having these nightmares.

All right, Dick.

I admit, I have been a
little angry.

Maybe I should just
try and relax

and take some other
action instead.

Good for you.

Thanks, Dick.

So from now on, no
more cleaning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt to be
angry a couple days a week.

After this word, we'll be
back with more

of the WPIV anniversary show.

I just wanna say, Michael,
Susan, nice job.

Yeah, this has sure
been a great show.

Maybe we should have a 50-year
anniversary program every year.

And, Susan, thanks for all
your hard work.

We're gonna miss you.

Thank you.

Um, uh, Michael,

I-- I haven't seen any footage
of Vermont Today.

Hey, I'm trying to enjoy this
clever wine cooler commercial

if you don't mind, Dick.

Trust me, Dick, you
are featured.

No, there are only a
few minutes left.

They're taking the covers
off the casseroles.

Well, we've certainly gone down
memory lane tonight.

But no anniversary show would be
complete without a look

into our closet of goofs,
gaffes, and blunders.

Here are some moments
from Vermont Today.

I'd like to welcome today's
guest, Mr. Static Electricity.

Hi, Dick. Shake.

[ Electrical buzzing ] Ah!

Sorry, Dick, uh, let
me help you up.

[ Electrical buzzing ] Ah!

Well, I'm afraid that's all
the time we have.

Thanks for joining us at WPIV...

[ Appreciative mutterings ]

That was terrific. That
was terrific.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

Well, Dick?

Michael, you-- you made me
look like a fool.

Not really, Dick.

The whole thing was clearly Mr.
Static Electricity's fault.

Well, I gotta run.

Susan looks like she could
use some punch.

My God, look who's here!

Stephanie, what are
you doing here?

Joanna, hi.

I don't believe
you've met my date.

Robert, this is Dick and Joanna.

Dick, Joanna: Robert. We
met at Dartmouth.

Oh. You attend Dartmouth?

No, I heard it was a great place
to pick up chicks.

And sure enough, first day out,
Stephanie picks me up.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I just thought that we'd
stop by, and I'd say hello,

and Robert wouldn't say
anything. Remember, Robert?

Oh... Right.

Uh, Stephanie, do you think this
is such a good idea?

We'll see.

Oh! There's Michael now.

And if that's her, this
was a brainstorm.

I got a punch for my Judy.

[ Laughing ]

I got you one, too.

Steph!

Michael, what are
you doing here?

Steph, you here?

Now?

Have a punch.

Thank you.

I don't believe you've met my
frequent date, Robert Cameron.

Hi.

And this-- This is Susan Polgar,
my...

Uh, friend. How do you do?

I think I'll be just fine.

Nice party.

Excuse me. I-- I think I
see someone, uh,

from the station.

My God, Michael, she's
not even blonde.

I know.

Look, stop this foolishness now,

and I'll try to forgive you.

No, Steph, I like her.

I can't believe you.

Have you seen Robert in
full profile?

You look great, Steph.

And he looks... manufactured.

Thanks.

But I'm here with Susan,
and I think

you should go home now, please.

I'm back. Okay?

Good.

Michael, I wanted to play fair,
but...

here I am right next to her.

Stephanie!

When you finally come
to your senses,

Robert and I will be over there,
billing and cooing.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, I'm sorry. I saw
you come in here,

and I thought it must be
the ladies' room.

With "Editing" on the door?

Yes.

Well, I guess now that
the show is over,

and your job is finished,
you'll be moving on.

I've taken a job in town.

Enough small talk.

Give him up, Susan. I
had him first.

I don't really think seniority
matters in these things.

Besides, Michael's free to do
whatever he wants and...

He chooses to be with me.

Okay, what threats
are you using?

None.

Oh, right.

[ Laughs ]

Despite my looks, I wasn't
born yesterday.

Michael having fun with
someone who isn't me?

[ Laughs ]

I mean, what could you two do?

Lots of things.

We talk about old TV shows.

Oh, well, sure.

You two have
television in common,

but the things Michael and I
share go much deeper.

Like fashion.

Well, we-- we also talk
about other things,

like our pasts, our dreams,
current events.

Ew.

Maybe Michael likes me
because I'm nice to him.

Susan...

I wasn't going to tell you this,
because...

I was trying to protect
your feelings,

but the day Michael met you, I
saw his to-do list,

and it said, "Meet a girl and
break her heart".

Stephanie...

I know how hard it is to
break up with a love.

Think about it, would you
really want Michael,

knowing that he only came back
because you came in here

and bullied me into
letting him go?

I think I would.

Stephanie, Susan:
opposite corners.

Were you mean to her, Steph?

Maybe she was mean to me!

Right. [ Laughs ]

Susan, mean. [
Continues laughing ]

Oh, well, it's just such a
ludicrous thought.

Come on... Robert.

I don't know how you're
going to get home.

Well, I finished my stack of
anonymous letters,

expressing my outrage at the
shabby treatment

Vermont Today got on the
anniversary program.

And I--I finished the
anonymous phone calls.

Are you sure they didn't
know it was you?

[ In a fake voice ] I
seriously doubt that.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

I'll just eat this dry toast up
in my room, if you don't mind.

The guests' smiles are
bringing me down.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess... maybe...

lots of "Poor Stephs"
would help a little.

Poor Steph.

Thank you.

Poor-- Poor Steph.

Hi. We don't want to
infuriate anyone,

so note the name tags.

Miss Stephanie, to help you
check out of Heartbreak Hotel,

Darryl here is offering to
court this Susan person

away from that gadabout Michael.

Larry...

I'd like to thank you
for this offer

and apologize for the other day,

but I'm too depressed to deal
with social graces.

Miss Stephanie, would it
make you feel better

if we was to throw
ourselves out?

Infinitely.

Done.

All right, you bumpkins, out.

Out.

I have to remember how she
got them to do that.

I don't know what to do.

Joanna, you've been
married forever.

How do you get a
relationship to last?

Why, I'd say we love each other,

respect each other, we're
nice to each other.

There's that word again.

And it has nothing to do
with clothing?

Stephanie,

our relationship has
lasted simply

because we meet each
other's needs.

Well, you can't meet each
other's every need.

What-- what do you mean?

I mean, no one person can meet
another person's every need.

That's why we're special,

because I-- I meet
all your needs.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Dick, you don't.

Fine. Name a need, I'll meet it.

This is silly. I'm not
gonna name my needs.

G-- Go ahead. Name a need.

So, Stephanie, how you doing?

George...

You're supposed to be
a nice person.

How does a person become nice?

Do you wanna be nice, Stephanie?

Well, it seems to be
all the rage.

Boy, that'd be great.

Uh, let's see. First, you'd
have to stop pouting,

not throw tantrums, and be
kind to other people.

Maybe I'll just try this
need-meeting thing

of Joanna and Dick's.

There you go, the 19 basic
needs, named, counted, and met.

You can be a pain sometimes.
You know that?

Okay, George, tell me the
nice rules again.

Slowly.

Well...

Come on, come on.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you were gonna meet me
out front 20 minutes ago.

Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.

Bev's making me answer all these
anonymous letters.

I-- I'm slime. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Stop apologizing.

Why? Am I doing it wrong?

No, it's just not necessary.

Oh, that's right.
You don't care.

I care about you. I just...
don't care that you were late.

Hey, guess what? I, uh... I
got something for ya.

Not another gift.

Correct for 500 dollars.

Michael, you practically buy
me a gift a day.

You're welcome.

[ Sighs ]

I-- I can't enjoy something when
I know you can't afford them.

I'm good at buying. I
love to buy.

I know you are, but it
makes me feel guilty.

Please return that.

Susan, I can exchange, but I
don't know how to return.

Just-- just keep this one,
lambchop.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.
No nicknames.

It's okay.

I don't dislike lambchop, I
just prefer Susan.

Like I prefer Michael to...
Mikeybugs.

It was just-- It was just a
passing thought.

This is sort of a fight,
isn't it?

Well, not anymore.

Where are we going today?

Michael, you promised me you'd
think of something.

Well, I'm just so bad at
making these decisions.

Well, let's see, we could, uh...
No, you wouldn't like that.

We could... No, I wouldn't like
that. How 'bout...?

How 'bout we sit and talk?

Again?

Well, I-- it's just that we
talked yesterday

and the day before that, and
that sort of does it for me.

I never knew someone to
run out of talk.

I never knew someone not to.

I mean, there are only
so many topics.

I have one that
needs discussing.

Badly.

What?

Us.

Lambchop and Mikeybug?

Hi, newlyweds.

I-- I wanted to apologize

for scaring you the other day
when you checked in.

And for short-sheeting your bed.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

My boyfriend is on the way
over right now,

and I have to be nice to him, so
you'll have to leave.

Out. Out, out.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Steph. I rushed over
as soon as I heard.

Here you go.

An emergency loofah sponge.

Thank you so much. You're
a good friend.

Wait a minute.

Those elbows have been recently
scrubbed and exfoliated!

I know. I lied.

Why?

I wanted you to come over so
that we could...

...talk.

Really?

Yes.

Here. First, let me
take your coat.

Michael, I've never
done this before.

Do I just hang it
with the others?

Would you like to sit down?

So what did you
wanna talk about?

Michael, how have you been?

Okay. Steph, are you all right?

Fine, but enough about me.

Michael, what was
your past like?

Do we really have to
talk about that?

Well...

How about television?
I saw Gilligan's Island .

And you left it on?

Mary Ann had some lovely gowns.

Ginger.

Oh, I-- I used to confuse them,
too.

Look, Steph, if you don't mind,
I really...

I'm not in the mood to...

to chat.

Oh, I see.

Well, isn't that just
what you'd expect?

Michael, do you think a
person can be nice

and angry at the same time?

I guess.

Good. Well, poo on you,
Michael Harris.

If a person is trying to be
pleasant and talk,

then the person she is trying
to be pleasant to

should be courteous
and talk back,

even if that person isn't
precious Susan.

Is that what this is all about?

Just sit there.

Please.

Here.

What is this?

Peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches.

You made these by yourself?

[ Crying ]

I tried, but Joanna had to help.

Oh, Steph, what have
I done to you?

[ Crying ] I'm nice!

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

For which?

Making me be like this or
breaking up with me?

Both.

Oh.

Maybe.

Susan and I realized that our
friendship happened

just because of the
circumstances.

I mean, she and I were together
day and... um, day.

But... we aren't right
for each other.

Oh, Steph, I don't want kind!

I don't want nice! I want you!

Oh, Michael!

If I forgive you now, will you
make it up to me later?

Yes.

And will I ever have to do
this nice stuff again?

Maybe once in a blue moon.

And exactly how often is
the moon blue?

Hardly ever, Steph.

Michael Harris,

this...

is yours again.

I don't deserve you.

That's the boy I love.

Meow.