Original subtitles

Michael!

Guess what?

The new Norma Kamali line is out.

Aw, Steph, you know I hate it

when you guess better than it is.

Guess again.

Henderson's is having a mumu sale.

No. Better.

Yours truly has been chosen to put together a major project.

The WPIV Five Year Anniversary special.

Can you believe it?

It's a three-hour extravaganza, filled with,

well, whatever I decide to fill it with.

I get my own staff and everything. Well?

How exciting.

What does this mean to me?

Well, it means we're both happy for your guy.

Michael, every time you say "project",

it means "Take a back seat, Steph."

Untrue, unfair, Steph.

You know my life is a two-seater, just you and me.

Oh, yeah.

The last project you worked on forced me to go dateless

for longer than I had since I was five.

I had to spend a lot of time at the station.

They were trying to unionize.

Takes a lot of effort to squash one of those things.

But this special is a different animal altogether.

Then, this stupid lucky break won't interfere with my fun?

Cross my heart, and my I chip a front tooth.

Our relationship won't suffer a smidge.

Now, what say you and I celebrate?

Dick, I'm done.

Hi, Dick. What's with the dimples?

I'm just, uh, glad to see that, uh, Bev took my advice

and decided to do an anniversary special.

You mean the extravaganza was your idea?

Just entirely.

Oh, sounds like this guy owes you a big thank you.

Dick, it's on my to-do list.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

And this is our card.

Your-- your card.

We regret to announce we had to discontinue

our popular enterprise "Anything for a Buck".

Due to the ravages of inflation,

we had to go in an entirely new direction.

An-- Anything for a Buck Ten.

We'd appreciate it if you'd spread the word.

Try and stop me.

Could I get that back? We only have the one.

Those buck tens haven't started rolling in yet.

� Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream �

� Merrily, merrily, merr-- �

Michael, could, uh-- Could we talk for a minute?

Aw, could you make it quick, Dick?

I'm editing some golden moments

from The Mister Sing With Me Hour.

There are so many.

I'm trying to find a segue from "Row, Row, Row your Boat"

to "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore."

Sounds like you got a long night ahead of you.

So, what's, uh-- what's up?

Michael, I just felt we should discuss what my part

on the anniversary special is going to be.

Oh, no problem, Dick.

You won't be in the special.

What?

Well, Dick, it's not that we don't love you,

it's just that we have this pesky time problem.

The special's only three hours long.

Michael, we had some brilliant Vermonts Today.

It's one of the station's major shows.

Dick, no one knows that better than I do.

It's just not visual enough.

Well, it's certainly not as visual as a-- as a cartoon ball

bouncing over the words "life is but a dream".

Exactly. I'm glad you grasped it so quickly.

I'd love to talk more,

but JJ's on his way up here with my new staff.

I've got assignments to give out, you know, names to learn.

The whole anniversary show was my idea.

Hold that thought, Dick. Staff is starting to arrive.

The first introductions are really important.

They set the tone for the entire relationship.

Michael, meet Susan Polgar.

Hi, nice to meet you.

What, are you, my-- my secretary, my runner?

My editor?

Yes.

You mean she's the whole staff?

If it helps, I have been called a dynamo.

Michael, if you're through learning names?

Please, Dick, I've already suffered a major disappointment,

and I'm trying not to cry.

Michael, I'm gonna find some Vermont Today clips

for the anniversary show.

Gee, I thought we decided to stay away

from those static talking head things.

Lunchtime.

JJ.

Well, gee, I don't know whether to have you make coffee

or a low-level decision.

I am sorry that our meeting was spoiled by me being it,

but just think that when this show is a great success,

everyone will say,

"And he did it without a decent staff."

That's true.

Hey, then, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

You know, I've seen some of your shows,

and compared to a lot of local television,

they're really impressive.

Really?

And-- and I'm not just sucking up.

I mean, I thought that spin-off

you tried to do with Pearls' Kitchen--

You mean Pearl's Pies?

Yeah.

I thought that was a bit one-noted.

Wow. You're not a suck-up.

Not that that's something I necessarily frown on.

Well, I hate to crack the whip, but I'm, uh--

I'm in the midst of one hell of a tough edit here.

� Gently down the stream �

� Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily �

� Life is but a-- �

� Michael, row your boat ashore �

Well, what do you think?

Do you want me to be honest

or is this one of those times I should suck up?

Stephanie, I know you're mad at Michael

because this project is taking up so much of his time,

and he's had to break every date--

[ Plate slams ]

But people come here for a rest vacation.

No one wants to spend it cowering in a corner

because of an irate maid. Right, George?

Yes. [ Tray slams ]

Uh-- uh, right.

All right. I'll try to control it.

Why should my misery prevent other people

from having the time of their lives?

Attagirl.

I'm going to the kitchen now. George, you're the room monitor.

Okay.

As long as I don't catch an eraser in the back of the head.

Steph.

Michael, I wanna see some groveling,

and I wanna see it now.

Cupcake, I'm sorry I've been working so much.

I'm scum, I'm low-life, I'm a snail trail.

That's it?

Michael, not only have I not seen you all week,

but the one time I got through to you on the phone,

you put me on hold.

Michael, I had a self-doubt.

Oh, Steph, I-- I'm the thing that eats a snail's trail.

Don't be mad. I'm here now.

I-- I made a special effort just to come see you.

Yes, but I can't help but notice you're still standing.

Head.

Oh, Michael, I'm such a softie.

Ah, Michael.

You said you'd be here an hour ago.

A special effort just to see me, huh?

Any chance of a reprieve if I do that head thing again?

You crossed your heart this project wouldn't affect us,

and it has.

Cupcake, I'm sorry.

If you're gonna blame anyone, blame Dick.

This whole anniversary special was his idea.

Sorry to make you take a number, Dick.

What-- What's up?

Michael, did you see the list of Vermont Today clips

I put together?

I did, Dick.

It perfectly illustrates my point

that the show is visual death.

Visual death?

Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick. Lower those clenched dukes.

I think I've solved our problem.

We can shoot some new footage

and claim they were old Vermont Today clips.

No one will know the difference

because not that many people watch anyway.

Michael.

Dick, I'm glad you're smart, but me first.

How's this for visuals? You in a bolero shirt, limboing.

No.

All right, you're thinking intellectual.

I can go with that.

You're interviewing a beekeeper and the glass breaks.

You're swatting, you're screaming, I'm excited.

I'm not mamboing under a stick, I'm not working with insects,

and I'm not shooting any new footage.

All right, all right, Dick.

I'll do what I can with what we've got.

I'm gonna put you into the show because you're my friend,

and I care about you.

You're pulling this incredible star strip on me.

Hi. I believe you've seen our card.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, I-- I thought I asked you guys

not to come to the dining room during meals.

It's kinda urgent.

Darryl here's so perturbed,

he's been up all night counting sheep.

Took us an hour this morning to find which meadow he was in.

[ Clears throat ]

What's-- What's-- what's wrong?

We have a bone to pick with him.

Good. Someone else, for once.

Why, what's the matter, guys?

It appears you've been taking the taters

right out of our mouths.

Seems like I would remember that.

Did you or did you not help Billy Crenshaw

find his pet black snake?

Oh, yes.

Aha. You admit it.

Now, Darryl, in that same time period,

how many jobs has Anything for a Buck Ten racked up?

See?

One to zip.

It just don't seem fair,

you snatching a job that we're eligible for,

especially a snake one.

That wasn't a job. I did that as a favor for free.

Free? You didn't charge anything?

No.

Looks like we have some serious mulling to do.

I don't know how we're gonna compete with those prices.

Not and still make a profit.

All right, it works.

It's great. You realize what this means.

What's that?

We finished the first half.

We have, haven't we?

Shouldn't we be celebrating or something?

Susan, these are the kinds of moments we professionals

take in stride.

Half done, half done, half done!

[ Clears throat ]

Of course, when you work all night, you--

you lose some of that professionalism.

It's okay. You should get excited more often.

You look real cute disheveled.

It's my new styling gel.

Lets you run the gamut from blow-dry to messy

and still look groomed.

I have a way to celebrate.

Of course, it's not as professional as yours, but--

Tadaa!

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Whoa, you read my palate.

You made these all by yourself just-- just for me?

Well, I-- I was sort of hoping I could have just one.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

And you-- You cut off the crusts.

Wait a minute. I-- I just gotta. A toast.

Oh, Michael, please. No more compliments.

Please, I hate that.

To Susan Polgar, one assistant as good as a staff of five.

Really, Susan, you've been amazing.

Oh, go on, Michael.

I just wanna say one more thing, then I'll shut up.

I was planning to grab credit

for this whole anniversary special,

but since you've worked so hard,

when I do, I'm gonna feel a little guilty.

You know, I used to eat a ton of these sandwiches,

watching television.

Now I'm eating one and working in television.

I'm in a rut.

It's all I did when I was a kid, was watch TV.

What was your favorite show?

When I was nine years old,

nothing could touch Gilligan's Island.

You're kidding! I loved those wacky castaways.

I won a neighborhood contest once

for the best Skipper imitation.

Oh, do it.

Hey, little buddy.

[ Laughs ] Ah... It's great.

Oh, who do you think The Professor liked best?

Mary Ann or Ginger?

Well, Ginger had all those great gowns.

But I used to love when Mary Ann would get on that bike

and make electricity.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, what was your favorite series?

Well, I used to imagine I was part of The Partridge Family,

and, uh, I had brothers and sisters, and we all sang.

When they cancelled that show, they--

They cancelled my family.

Oh, Michael, don't worry.

When you run a network, you can bring 'em back.

I could, couldn't I?

Whoa, look at the time.

Do you realize we've been in this room for 14 hours straight?

We should get home and get some sleep.

Yeah. Good idea.

Oh, remember, we're half done.

See you tomorrow, Susan. Thanks again for the sandwiches.

Oh, you're welcome. 'Night.

Good night.

Dick, Joanna, no one's dead!

I-- I don't know what-- I-- I mean, uh, half the show.

Half-- Half done. Half done, half done, half done.

She brought me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,

for goodness sake, I just--

We-- We talked. She loves television.

I love television. So I spilled my life.

She was nice to me, and that threw me.

I mean, Joanna was probably nice to you, and good Lord,

look at what's happened to you two.

You're laying here all married. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Michael, it w-- It was just a kiss.

And a-- And a kiss is just a kiss.

You love Stephanie. I do!

I do! Yes.

It was just the emotion-- of the moment! Yes!

Just keep picturing Steph in that pink sweater.

Yes! That's it. I feel better.

Steph in pink angora. Yeah. Okay.

Steph in pink angora, Steph in pink angora--

Told you we should've bought a gun.

Michael.

Hey, Dick.

Just in case you need to know the rules,

don't ever come in to my bedroom again.

I'm sorry, Dick. I was temporarily out of my head.

You know, I was tired, something happened,

and I blew it all out of proportion,

but I had a good night's sleep,

a swell shower, and I'm back to my normal self.

Don't ever come in to my bedroom again.

Thanks for your concern. I'm fine, Dick.

Good morning, Susan.

Hi.

Wanna go steady?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Excuse me.

Uh, I-- I-- I, uh, we-- The swell shower! No problem.

Everything is fine. And then, uh-- Hi.

Then boom! Fireworks!

My-- My heart's a puddle. My soul's dancing.

Not fair. I don't-- I don't want her.

I mean, I don't-- I want her, I just don't "want her" want her.

Oh, damn. It's-- it's just too fast.

I know. I-- I just-- I just haven't seen Steph enough.

That's it!

I'll go by, I'll see that cute little button nose,

and then I'll be all right.

Yeah. Okay.

I just hope that to God she's wearing that pink sweater.

Uh, come-- come in.

Oh, hi, guys. What's going on?

Well, you're looking at three weary casualties of a price war.

Your clever marketing scheme has succeeded.

How can we compete when you've undercut Anything for a Buck Ten

by a buck ten?

Oh, geez, sorry, guys.

We even devised our own marketing scheme.

We tried to beat you to the customers

by anticipating their needs even before they knew what they were.

Oh, my God.

Yep, we started the morning

anticipating Miss Huffman would need a home permanent.

Larry. You didn't.

It might've worked out if Darryl hadn't anticipated her

needing a bikini wax as well.

Just so you boys know, I don't need anything ever.

We couldn't'a helped her anyway.

To avoid prosecution, we made a deal with Miss Huffman,

that we'd give up our new strategy.

Of course, without that going for us, we're screwed.

Another small business crushed

under the heel of a well-meaning handyman.

Guys, wait.

I-- I didn't mean to crush you under my heel.

I was just doing favors for some friends.

Like today I picked up Miss Vivian's groceries,

and then I fixed Mr. Denham's ladder.

That's it?

You seem to be specializing in the mundane.

I guess that snake job was just a fluke.

Yeah.

And if I hear of a job

that sounds more suited for you than me, I'll let you know.

Come to think of it, Miss Vivian has rats.

Does she want them?

No.

Thanks for the tip.

Come on, Darryl. Let's get our fifes.

And the sheet music from Peer Gynt.

Stephanie!

Oh, thank God!

Ooh! Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad to see that sweater.

And you.

Michael, would you like a comb and some time to yourself?

I had a few spare moments so I-- I dashed right over to see you.

Oh, what a nice albeit tiny gesture.

I know you're still mad at me, and you have every right to be.

I had no business ignoring you and working so long.

It was-- It was wrong-- and dangerous--

and I'm never gonna do it again. I'll-- I'll quit the project.

Really?

Really. Just forgive me, please?

Well, I don't know if I can forgive you,

but I'll be less mad.

That's-- that's my muffin.

Mm-hm.

I've got an idea

since we haven't seen each other in a while.

Let's, uh-- let's talk.

Talk?

Well, okay, if we don't do it for very long.

So how-- How are you, Stephanie? Really?

Still a bit grumpy,

but it's nothing that a dinner and drive can't cure.

No, I mean, uh, how's your life?

Michael, I work as a maid for people

who expect me to act like a maid.

And?

And that's icky.

Look, I'm not much of a chatter. You know that.

So why don't we do something instead?

Like have fun?

Could-- could we, uh, cuddle a little?

Sure.

Beard stubble.

Sorry.

Didn't you run the electric razor on the way over?

Ah, the cigarette lighter isn't working.

You have broken stuff in your car?

Sorry.

Steph, do you like peanut butter and jelly?

Ew!

Michael, I don't understand this.

Why are we sitting here doing this boring talking stuff?

But we never talk.

That's not true.

We discuss where to go for dinner and how nice I look

and whether you look better in navy or forest.

We talk tons. Now, let's go.

Steph, did you ever want The Professor and Mary Ann

to get together?

Aren't they other people?

Steph, I'm afraid we have a terrible problem.

Someone is very sick.

Worse.

I have something stuck in my teeth.

No, it's-- it's a different kind of problem. I--

I wanna date another woman.

Oh, that's an easy problem. No. No, no.

Well, either I date her

or I keep making out with her at the office.

Michael!

I'm sorry, Steph. I didn't mean for it to happen.

My lips went, and I just followed.

Michael!

I'm so sorry! I just like her so darn much!

Well, stop!

I can't.

Michael!

It's very simple.

You-- you cannot date someone else and me,

nor can you kiss someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Her or--

Good-bye, Steph.