Original subtitles

And how-- How many were there?

Forty-five to fifty.

Forty-five to fifty ants?

Correct.

All-- All on one cracker?

That's right.

Well, that's certainly all we'll ever wanna know

about our third-world neighbors.

Thank you, Dr. Marquette, for being on the show.

And we're clear.

Great show, Dr. Marquette.

You know, you really--

Hi, Bev. What did you think of the show?

-I missed it. -Then, it was one of my best.

Listen, I'm gonna be out of town for a few days.

The station owner just called.

He has to, uh, miss the TV marketplace convention,

so I gotta go in his place.

What-- What's the TV marketplace convention?

Dick, try to learn something about the industry you work in.

That's where we buy old TV shows

and put them in our new fall lineup.

Oh, sort of out with the old and in with the old.

A word of advice, Bev. If I were you, I'd stay away

from that colorized version of Father Knows Best .

I heard Bud turned out green.

I'll make a note.

Oh, uh, is there anything I can for you while you're gone?

Water your plants? Feed your fish?

Read to your dog?

Everything is taken care of.

All I have to do is cancel my Ranger Girls meeting.

Well, cancel that cancellation. I can handle that scout thing.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but you're, uh--

You're looking at a former Webelo.

You know, Michael, you're impressing the hell out of us.

These are Ranger Girls, Michael. It has to be a woman.

Well, then, let me be the one

to find you a substitute troop leader.

It's not that simple, Michael. We have activities planned.

Bev, no problemo . I've got the perfect person.

Joanna! Right, Dick?

Michael, there-- there might be a problemo .

Michael, you can't just volunteer someone

without asking them first.

Well, you can if it's for a good cause, which this is.

Anyway, only a louse would turn down the Ranger Girls,

and Joanna's not a louse.

Is she, Dick?

Of course not.

Then, it's settled.

No, it isn't.

Look, Michael, I'll get you a list of the girls' names

and phone numbers.

Either get a substitute or call them and cancel.

Will do, Bev.

So, Dick--

No way, Michael. You ask Joanna.

But, Dick, you know how to manipulate her.

You talked her into marrying you, didn't you?

Well, what do you think?

I thi-- I think it's-- it's a nice piece of wood, George.

Thanks, Dick. It's my first shot at carving.

I was always pretty good at pointy sticks,

but who would have thought I had this in me?

You're another, um, guy who carves wood.

What's-- What-- What is it?

It's a miniature replica of Mt. Rushmore.

Who-- Who is this?

That's you, Dick.

They started out as presidents,

but they came out looking more like people I know.

The one in the middle is Mr. Green Jeans.

Oh, honey, look.

George has immortalized me in, um, bark.

It looks like Mt. Rushmore.

Wow, I am good at this.

Yeah, this is, uh-- This is Lincoln.

And Jefferson and me and Mr. Green Jeans.

Very imaginative, George.

Well, actually, it makes sense.

If it-- If it weren't for the problem of time and space,

we would've all hung out together.

I was hoping you'd like it.

You know, I'm gonna let you put "Mt. Stratford"

on display right here in the inn.

Oh, George, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, we really couldn't.

You don't have to thank me, Dick.

Boy, I can't wait to see where you put it.

Think of it this way, honey.

If George were our five-year-old son,

we'd think this was pretty good.

Yeah, but he's our 56-year-old handyman...

...and it stinks.

Hi, troops.

Lovely 'do, Joanna.

Oh, thank you, Michael.

Say...

How would you like to fill in

as troop leader for Bev's Ranger Girls

while she's out of town?

Troop leader?

Yeah, this, uh, Webelo, volunteered you without asking.

Well, that might be fun and who could turn down a good cause

like the Ranger Girls?

Sure, I'll do it.

Gee, Dick, first you don't know anything about the TV business,

and then you don't know anything about your woman.

What gives?

Michael, may I speak to you for a moment?

How could you?

I'm sorry, Steph, I--

What did I do?

You asked Joanna to take over those Ranger Girls and not me.

But, Steph, this involves giving.

I can be giving,

especially if there's something to be gotten in return.

See, I give them an hour with me,

someone to pattern their lives after,

and in return, I get looked up to and adored and worshipped

and maybe some applause.

Gee, Steph, you're another Schweitzer.

I know.

Joanna...

I'm-- I'm afraid I'm gonna have to rescind that offer.

I had no idea the A Team was available.

Stephanie?

Don't feel bad, Joanna.

Oh, Michael, I'm sure Joanna understands.

After all, I am much closer to their age.

I think I found a place for George's sculpture.

Honey!

Dick, those are for the Ranger Girls.

Honey, it's never too early for those girls

to start learning to watch their weight.

Well?

Stephanie, don't you think you're a little overdressed

for a Ranger Girls' meeting?

Joanna, if you knew so much about this,

don't you think you would've been first choice?

I'm going to go now.

I can't wait for them to get here and meet me.

Imagine all those little girls' lives peaking at once.

Yeah, after you, all these cookies will be a letdown.

Well, here we are.

Green girls, I'd like you to meet Stephanie Vanderkellen,

your incredible, wonderful,

milk-skinned goddess-like den muffin.

Thank you.

I'm only temporary, so don't get your hopes up.

Michael, you can leave now. You're splitting their focus.

Well, why don't I tell you a little about me,

and then we'll open the floor to compliments.

The first thing I wanna tell you about myself is

I hate your uniforms.

Tell me who's forcing you to wear them,

and I'll make them stop.

Nobody's forcing us. We like our uniforms.

Yeah.

Yeah, we like 'em.

But if you all dress alike,

how can you tell whose fathers make the most money?

Who cares?

In every group, there's always a bad egg.

Okay, you can start now with that flood of questions

about how to be more like me.

Miss Dutton was gonna talk about survival.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's see.

It's the night of your coming-out party.

Everything's perfect, you're about to make your big entrance,

when suddenly, without warning, you break a nail.

Miss Dutton was gonna talk about outdoor survival.

Ew, boring.

You must be glad you have a substitute.

I wanted to hear about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're lost in the woods.

You have no food, no warm clothing,

it's getting dark, and you break a nail.

Oh, man.

I told you it was boring.

Not when Miss Dutton does it.

Well, she's not here. I am.

We know.

Well, I was sort of saving this for the end,

but how about if we draw?

Okay!

Yeah!

Good.

Now, which pose do you like me in best?

This one or this one?

Miss Dutton didn't interview you for this, did she?

Well, at least the snacks look decent.

I think it's time to call your parents.

But we haven't had our cookies and punch yet.

You have to earn cookies and punch, and you haven't tonight!

Well?

Did you put Mt. Stratford on display yet?

Sure did, George. It's-- It's in here.

Wow!

Could you, uh, hot-and-cold me, Dick?

Right under your nose, George.

Right here.

Gee, Dick, it doesn't exactly jump out at you.

Well, you know, when you-- You know, when you stand there,

but, uh, when, you know-- When you-- When you...

...stand here, I mean, you-- you can't miss it.

I'll try to find a better place for it, George.

All five of us would appreciate it.

Morning, Dick.

Has anyone seen my Leader of the Pack?

Michael, how do you get your tongue to say those things?

So, Steph, how'd it go?

Bet those kids have stiff necks from all that looking up to you.

It went fine, Michael.

Great, well, if you thought you had fun last night,

wait 'til you hear what you get to do next time.

Sorry, Michael, I'm busy next time.

But, Steph, you, the kids: cute-a-rama!

If you don't come back,

you'll break their pre-pubescent hearts.

How can you turn down all those kids?

The adoration, the worship, the--?

Okay, okay, okay! Maybe last night wasn't perfect.

In fact, it was a nightmare.

It was an entire room of people almost not liking me.

They just sat there and stared.

Well, there you go. That's a classic symptom of awe.

Michael, I know awe.

I live with awe every day, and this wasn't it.

But, Stephanie--

Michael!

I came this close to failure,

and I'm not taking that chance again.

Dick, I just saw my lifestyle flash before my eyes.

You think you could ask Joanna if she would fill in for Steph?

Michael, does this answer your question?

[ Laughs ]

Knockout sweater, Joanna.

What do you want, Michael?

Well, I was thinking,

since you wanted to guest-host those Ranger Girls so much,

it's only fair you and Steph take turns.

Stephanie doesn't wanna do it again, right?

Purely a coincidence.

Michael, after the way you treated me,

I'm not doing you any more favors.

You're absolutely right. Hit me, kick me, hurt me, I deserve it.

But is it fair that those cute,

innocent Rangerettes should suffer?

All right, Michael, I'll do it for the girls' sake.

Oh, great, Joanna, you're in for a treat.

Those Ranger Girls are having an overnighter this Saturday.

That sounds like fun.

Michael, you didn't tell me it was an overnighter.

I was always the hit of everyone's slumber parties.

They'd have to like me.

Okay, Michael, I'll do it.

Terrif, Steph. Let's make plans.

Sorry, Jo.

But if Steph changes her mind, you'll be the first to know.

You're not gonna put it there?

I promised George.

But it ruins the whole inn.

Wow! What a great place for it.

Gee, Dick, thanks. It makes the whole inn.

Yeah, we were-- We were just sort of--

Sort of saying the same thing.

Boy, now I feel really lousy about what I have to say.

What is it?

It's just that I'm so proud of Mt. Stratford,

I'd like to look at it all the time.

Would you mind very much if I kept it in my room?

Gee, I don't know, George.

It's gonna be tough getting used to the-- to the inn without it.

But we'll adjust.

Oh, you two.

Did I think I'd just leave you in the lurch?

You didn't make another one?

I tried, Dick, but I couldn't duplicate it.

But I did make you this.

The Statue of Liberty with Bea Arthur's face.

Picture this on the front lawn.

Here you go, Dick.

Wow.

I never saw them together before.

I hate to ask, but c--?

You guys!

Well, Dick, here it is. I got all the tykes' grub.

By the way, your half of the bill comes to 22 dollars.

Okay, Dick, but when Bev asks if you helped,

I'm showing her this.

Well, how do I look?

Steph, you could put Sleeping Beauty to shame.

She's not real.

Well, then, who's that gorgeous actress

you're so much prettier than?

-Jessica Lange? -That's the one.

Oh, Michael, you always say the perfect thing.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

I can't wait.

[ Excited chatter ]

I can't wait.

You girls have a lot to learn about slumber parties.

What slumber party? We're going on a campout.

Yeah, a campout.

Whoa, Steph. Crossed wires.

Who would've thought anyone would've planned

to spend an overnighter outside?

We're still gonna get to go, aren't we?

Miss Dutton promised us.

Steph, we're talking about a promise to a-- a little child.

And a big boss.

Michael, unless you plan to build a dome

over the wilderness--

Please take us.

Sorry.

If you were camping any place but outdoors--

Can't you make her take us?

Haven't you been watching the last five minutes?

This is the worst night of my life.

You said that the last time we were with her.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

It probably wouldn't have been as much fun

as we imagined anyway.

Okay, okay, okay.

You'll do it, Steph?

I have to. I'm out-pouted.

Yay!

Yeah!

All right!

Don't get too excited. It's still with her.

Ew!

Ick!

Ew, ew, ew!

Whoa, Steph. New record.

Are you sure we can't go further into the woods?

Yeah, I can still see the inn from here.

Hey, this is a great spot.

And look, Star light, Star bright,

First star I see tonight.

That's the porch light.

Oh, my God. We forgot the electric blanket.

I'm sorry, Steph.

I hooked together every extension cord in the inn,

and they still wouldn't reach.

Shouldn't he be leaving?

No.

It's no boys allowed.

I think it's, like, a-- a state law or something.

Wow. These tots know their torts.

Well, I'd better, uh, vamoose

or we could be spending our weekends

kissing through wire mesh.

Michael!

Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bu-- Good night, Steph.

Porch light, Porch bright,

please bring Michael back tonight.

Stupid, stupid porch light.

[ Owl hoots ]

What was that?

Just an owl.

Well, tell it to stop.

Stop, owl.

Well, it's never going to stop if you're sarcastic with it.

You've never been outside at night before, have you?

I have, too. I mean, sunroofs count, right?

Come on, let's go sit by the--

Fire!

We made it.

I knew that.

Are you being bad or something?

No, it's a campfire.

For campout.

Aren't you going to sit down?

I'm the leader. I think I should stand.

Okay, but you might get some fire ashes in your hair.

Ew, when was the last time these woods were cleaned?

So, what sort of activities do you usually do on these outings?

It's your job to pick.

I was afraid of that.

Well, since I don't seem to be real good at that,

according to you, why don't you pick the activity?

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

I know! Tell ghost stories.

Yeah!

All right!

Okay.

I'll go first.

It was a night just like this, exactly 20 years ago,

when the headless--

Okay, that was fun.

Let's do something else. Anything.

Marshmallows are ready.

Here's one for you, Miss Vanderkellen.

Why waste it on her? She won't eat it.

Wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions.

I'll- I'll hold the stick.

Wow.

There.

You have a little goo on your cheek.

I know. I can leave it on.

There. That's long enough.

Makeup? On a camping trip?

Don't tell me I don't know about survival.

How do you do that? Without making it go all over?

Well, with lips as perfect as mine, it's easy.

Yours aren't half bad.

My mother says I'm too young to wear makeup.

Your mother's wrong.

Oh!

Oh, me!

Me, please!

I want some makeup!

I'm next!

[ Owl hoots ]

[ Laugh ]

Psst.

Michael, what are you doing here?

I've been within blood-curdling scream distance all night.

I almost ran off when I saw that fire.

I did it, Michael.

They loved me just like they're supposed to.

Maybe even a little more.

Great, Steph.

Well, since things are going so swimmingly,

I guess you don't need me

crouching out in the bushes all night.

Get real, Michael.

Hi ho.

Michael, you look like Mother Nature spit on you.

I spent the night crouching out in the bushes

keeping an eye on Steph and the kids.

Say, Joanna, you wouldn't happen to have

anything for a hungry hombre, would you?

I have some French toast right here.

Oh, yum. My tongue has goosebumps.

Oh, honey, I-- I sort of wanted that.

Sorry, Michael.

I didn't know the A Team was hungry.