Original subtitles

Well, that's all the time we have.

Thank you, Professor Chatsworth,

for showing us your insect collection.

I'm sure you'll find your runaway scorpion, Cecil,

in no time flat.

And we'll see you next week on Vermont Today.

-And we're clear. -Cecil! Cecil!

Hey, I found him.

He crawled onto a Danish and got stuck.

So, Dick, what did you think of today's show?

Thought it was fine until Cecil decided to make his break.

Was it a good example of the kind of show you like to do?

A kind of lasting impression

you'd like to leave with the public?

-I guess so. -Good.

'Cause Vermont Today's been cancelled.

Cancelled? Why? We have-- we have a small audience,

but they're-- they're-- they're loyal.

Correction, Dick. Were loyal.

The competition won them over

with their Brady Bunch Brady Brides Hour.

But don't worry.

This shoulder will always be here for you to cry on.

-Michael. Telephone. -Excuse me, Dick.

All right, ev-- everyone, you want to--

you want to gather 'round?

I, um--

I have some sad news that I'd, uh...

I'd like to-- to share with you.

Vermont Today, the-- the show you--

we've all worked so hard on,

uh, has-- has been cancelled.

We know that, Dick.

-You-- you do? -Everybody knows.

Well, I-- I just wanted-- wanted to thank you

for the fantastic job you've done,

and, uh, let you know that I've--

I've been touched by your kindness,

your friendship, your loyalty--

Can we go now, Dick? We have to set up for Pearl's Kitchen.

Your ha-- your ha-- your hard work--

Back, Dick. Now that you're over your cancellation blues,

let's talk about your brand-new show.

Well, what-- what new show?

Oh, didn't I tell you? It's called On The Town,

a modern, '80s-type program.

Hip, fast-moving, pow-- pow-- powerful.

Well, it sounds hor-- hor-- horrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick.

It'll still be brainy like Vermont Today.

Michael--

And you'll be able to move out of the studio and on location.

Location?

Always wanted to do that.

Okay, Michael. I'd better, uh-- better tell the crew.

Uh, ev-- everyone, you wanna-- you wanna gather 'round?

[ Grumbling ] Again?

You trying to get us fired, too, Dick?

A-- Apparently my announcement was a little premature.

Uh, Michael tells me that we'll all be working together

on a new and I think even better show.

We know.

On The Town, right, Dick?

Right.

Well, that's-- that's all the new information there is.

Right?

Except for who you're gonna get to be your sexy new co-host.

Mi-- Michael, what's all this about a co-host?

-Where'd you hear that? -From the crew.

Oh. Then, it must be true.

But don't worry. You-- you get to pick her.

-Is-- is that right? -Yeah, right.

-Yeah. -Uh--huh.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

And this is our new quadroped acquaintance.

Ew.

I have never seen anything in pink look so frightening.

What a great pig.

We was taking a bicycle tour of local cesspools

when suddenly we saw these two tiny eyes

staring out at us through multiple layers of filth.

-That would be hard to resist. -Yeah.

It just seemed to grunt, "Take me. Take me."

What do you call it?

Well, that's a large portion of the reason we're here.

We've decided on Miss Stephanie.

There is a God, and He does punish.

Stephanie, they named the pig after you as a compliment.

How are you, Miss Stephanie?

These are very pretty cloven hooves you have.

Waddle on over here, Miss Stephanie.

Let's see that sproinky tail shake.

George!

Uh, I guess I have some handyman stuff to do.

Hi.

What's with the pig?

Larry, Darryl and Darryl have named

their new pig after Stephanie.

Works for me.

Everyone, you want to-- you want to gather around?

I have a sort of sad announcement to make.

After, uh, three years on the air, uh...

Vermont Today has-- has been cancelled.

We know, honey, and we're all very sorry.

You-- you all knew?

Well, Michael called and told me and I told George and Stephanie.

Well, how-- how did you know?

Anybody with an eye for the Nielsens

could've seen it coming.

That Brady Bunch Brady Brides Hour

was a masterstroke of counterprogramming.

Well, it's time to slop Miss Stephanie.

My recurring nightmare has come true.

My name has been used in a sentence

containing the word "slop".

Honey, Michael also mentioned that your new show

would have a permanent co-hostess.

Now, I made a deal with myself that I would ask you once,

accept your answer, and that would be the end of it.

No ifs ands or buts.

No.

We're so very, very happy you joined us this evening.

Please come back and visit with us again

real, real, real, real soon. Right, Dickie?

Y-- yeah.

That's it. Nice audition, Buffy.

Oh, you really think so?

I may have put a few extra words into the script.

I have kind of a tendency to do that. [ Giggles ]

Yeah, I really, really, really didn't notice.

You know, I really enjoyed doing the weather on Channel 10,

but it would be so incredibly neat

to get to do deeper stuff. [ Giggles ]

Well, we'll let you know.

I mean, if I get this job, it would make me

so amazingly fantastically excited! [ Giggles ]

Well, that's-- that's something I'd like to see.

Well, our next possible femme sidekick is Liz Sable.

Hi.

First, let me say I refuse to wear a bikini, halter top,

push-up accessories or any article of clothing

that exposes my body for cheap, titillating purposes.

Well, uh, you shouldn't have to worry about that.

Our goal is to do a classy, informative show about Vermont.

Sure.

Well, start any time.

What are you looking at?

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to On The Town.

I'm Liz Sable.

And--

I'm Dick-- I'm Dick Loudon.

Ah, that-- that was very nice.

We'll let-- we'll let you know.

[ Sighs ] If I were a man, you'd let me finish.

I don't know about you, Dick, but I feel like checking to see

if I still have all my equipment.

Next we have Nancy Preston.

Oh.

-Hi. -Hi.

Oh, I'm a big fan of Vermont Today.

I'm sorry it was cancelled.

Well, thanks. That's very nice of you.

Do you, uh, have your copy handy?

Well, actually, I've memorized my part.

-I hope that's okay. -Just this once. [ Chuckles ]

-Start anytime. -Thank you.

Good afternoon, and welcome to On The Town.

-I'm Nancy Preston. -And I'm Dick Loudon.

We're gonna travel all over this great state of ours

and see everything, starting with how they tap trees

to get maple syrup.

-Take it away, Dick. -Wow.

Well, I-- I've certainly heard enough.

Oh. Well, thank you.

I really do hope we get to work together.

Maybe my Masters in Vermont History

won't go to waste, after all.

Wow.

So, Dick, what do you, uh-- What do you think?

-There's no contest. -I couldn't agree more.

So do you wanna be the one to tell

the guy grinder she didn't get the job?

Okiedoke, you can open them.

Gee, Mich-- Michael, this is nice.

The station has high hopes for this show.

No expense was spared.

-Great staircase. -Oh, don't touch that!

Well, in order to get the set looking this good,

we kinda had to ignore the building codes.

It's perfectly safe. Just remember one simple rule.

Never lean.

Well, I-- I think, despite the danger,

this is gonna be a good show,

and I'm starting to get excited about--

about working with a co-host.

Hi, Michael! Hi, Dickie! [ Giggles ]

Oh, this set is so incredibly, wonderfully neat, isn't it?

Yeah.

What's she doing here?

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggles ]

Good one, Dick.

You have to get used to this loon. [ Laughs ]

No, she doesn't... What's going on?

Dick, Dick, access those brain cells.

You said it yourself: no contest.

Host, meet your "co".

Oh, Dickie, it's gonna be so amazingly terrific

working together. [ Giggles ]

Look, Buffy, would-- would you excuse us for just a moment?

I-- I'm sure you can keep yourself happy.

Don't lean.

How could you hire her?

Gee, Dick, I thought we agreed.

It's a little lousy of you to flip-flop on me now.

I didn't flip-flop. I never wanted her.

I wanted Nancy. She-- she was smart,

she was competent and-- and she loved Vermont history.

Well, no offense, Dick, but snore, snore.

Trust me, you and Buff will be boffo.

[ Giggles ]

I hate her!

Well, try and have fun with that.

She has to go.

Oh, hi, honey. How'd it go today?

Just-- just great.

So is Nancy Preston as good a co-hostess as you thought?

Well, uh, Michael didn't exactly hire Nancy.

He hired somebody named, um, Buffy Denver.

Buffy Denver?

You mean that terminally-happy weather girl on Channel 10?

That, uh, sounds-- sounds a little like her.

I hate her.

Oh, I do, too. She's so superficial.

I, uh-- I-- I tried to fire her, but I couldn't do it.

It'd be like stomping a smurf.

Hi.

You're lookin' at three usually happy-go-lucky scamps

who've just hit bottom.

Something wrong?

We have bad news, Miss Stephanie, you're missin'.

You mean the pig one.

We went out to her pen, and she was gone.

The bolt was pulled and the latch released.

Somebody let her out?

We doubt if she'd have had the dexterity

to do something like that on her own.

Who could have done such a thing?

Hey. I know.

Maybe not.

Stephanie, over here.

Yeah.

You let that pig out of the pen, didn't you?

I was just setting it free so it could go back

to the forest or sea or wherever they come from.

Stephanie, pigs don't live in the forest or the sea.

Then, this one will be the first.

Excuse me. I hate to break up a family chat,

but we have some sow-seekin' to do.

I'll just post this right here.

"Missing: Miss Stephanie,

farm-grown, tiny pin eyes, approximately 300 pounds.

Will respond to her name or a pat on the rump."

Larry, is this the only poster you have?

Yep.

Oops, it ripped.

That's okay. We have a ton of others slapped all over town.

Oh, my God!

Wait! Let's search for her together!

You know, I'm really excited about doing

my first live remote broadcast.

Yeah. Me, too, Dick.

I'd much rather lug around this portable hernia

than sit on my duff in a nice, comfortable control booth.

Oh, Dick, look who's here.

It's your history "Buff".

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggles ]

Oh, you, uh, you-- you made it.

Places, everyone.

Dick, before we go on, I just wanna say that,

well, this is your kind of environment and my first show,

so if you don't mind, I'll just stay quietly in the background.

I-- I think your instincts are very good.

Well, thank you.

And in three, two--

-Hi, I'm Dick Loudon-- -And I'm Buffy Denver.

And we're coming to you live

from the Vermont Museum of History.

This is one of my favorite places,

and I'm thrilled to be able to share

the reverence and appreciation that I--

[ Giggles ]

I'm sorry. I always giggle in museums, don't you?

Not-- not really.

[ Giggles ]

We're, uh-- we're standing next to, uh,

one of the museum's most prized possessions.

A letter dated 1778,

it's signed by Thomas Jefferson.

-The letter concerns-- -Oh, let me see!

I once took a course in handwriting analysis.

[ Gasps ] See the way he loops his E's?

That means he was real shy at parties.

What did he do for a living?

For, uh-- for a couple years, he took a--

a crack at running the country.

That's right. He was president.

Well, it's, uh-- Let's move over here.

This is an authentic general's map of the Battle of Bennington,

where the brave colonists fought the British.

Oh, I know where this is!

This area is known for its high humidity.

Not only were those brave soldiers battling the redcoats,

but they were also battling that frizzy hair weather.

I-- I think-- I think now would be a good time

to bring in the curator of the museum,

Mr. Dennis Longfellow.

Hello, Dick. Buffy. [ Giggles ]

You want me to comment on that frizzy hair thing?

No, no. That-- that's okay.

Um, tell us, Mr. Longfellow, which exhibit is your favorite?

Well, that would have to be right over here,

Ethan Allen's diary.

Ooh, this is personal.

Should we really be looking at this?

I hate when people look at mine. [ Chuckles ]

I'm sure, uh-- sure Ethan Allen wouldn't mind.

[ Giggles ] Well, then, as long as we're snooping,

does it mention in there when he decided

to get into the furniture business?

Buffy, why-- why don't we--

why don't we just let Mr. Longfellow talk?

Well, uh, I'm-- I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

I always get hollered at in museums, too.

Well, it's-- it's all right, Buffy.

Did you have to come down on her so hard, Mr. Loudon?

[ Sobs ]

She was only trying to breathe a little life into this place.

[ Sobs ]

I'm, uh-- I'm sorry. I--

I wish half the people who came into this museum

had her enthusiasm and-- and curiosity.

But you had to crush it, didn't you?

-Well, I-- I-- -Go to hell, Mr. Loudon!

[ Sobs ]

Buffy and I will be right back.

Hi, Dick. Gee, I ran out of the museum so fast,

I didn't get a chance to congratulate you

on your first On The Town.

Michael, it was a disaster.

Well, not totally.

The moment when the curator told you to go to Hades town

had really power.

-Michael-- -Easy, Dick.

You were right, I was wrong.

You plus Buff equals

"Let's see what's on the other channels."

But the important thing is the station and I

still believe in On The Town.

Well, so do I.

But we need a fresh start with new personnel.

Finally, Dick, total agreement.

And may I say this guy's impressed

you're not taking your canning personally.

You're firing me?

Well, you don't expect me to fire Buffy, do you? [ Chuckles ]

Dick, the audience loves her,

and they're going to love your replacement.

He's waiting right outside.

He didn't want there to be any hard feelings.

Come on in, Biff.

Dick, meet Biff Randall.

Hi. You know, it's really super

to put makeup on in natural light.

You-- you wear makeup when you're not on camera?

Well, not as much.

Biff, show Dick your teeth.

I saw the show, and I didn't think

you were as horrible as everyone said.

I really mean that.

Thanks.

Why don't you wait outside, Biffer.

Okay.

To be honest, he wasn't even the best audition,

but who could resist On The Town with Biff and Buff?

Good luck on your new show, Michael.

And good luck on your new show.

What-- what new show?

Well, believe it or not, the station

had some good response to you, too,

but our research shows people wanna see you in something

more intellectual.

You-- you mean something exactly like Vermont Today.

Nail on the head, Dick.

We'll-- we'll hammer out the details later.

Uh, I've gotta go. I promised Biff an ice cream.

Oh. I have good news.

Vermont Today is back on the air.

We know, honey.

No. No. You-- you-- you couldn't know this one.

Biff wandered into the kitchen.

Hi. We bring glad tidings in pork form.

Oh, boy. Miss Stephanie's back.

We just kept callin' and finally she came home. Just like Lassie.

We have a bit of disturbing news.

When we gave her a hello hug, we noticed something

that we failed to closely inspect earlier.

Miss Stephanie's a he.

What?

That's right, and as much as we love the name "Miss Stephanie",

it could do irreparable damage to the pig's sexual self-image.

But we've come up with a name that is still fit

for such a noble hog.

Come on, it's wallowing time, Dick.

Dick?

Works for me.

Meow.