Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

- HI. I'M LARRY.

( audience applause )

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARYL.

COULD WE BORROW 150 POUNDS OF SUGAR?

- CAN YOU MAKE DO WITH A CUP OF SUGAR?

- NO. ONE CUP AIN'T GONNA HOLD THE DOOR OPEN.

- LARRY, YOU DON'T NEED SUGAR FOR THAT.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED USING, OH, A ROCK?

- WHOA, YOU GOT SOME KIND OF ENGINEERING BACKGROUND

OR SOMETHING?

- HI, EVERYBODY. I HAVE GREAT NEWS.

I'M GONNA REDECORATE MY ROOM.

- YOU ARE?

- EVERY SO OFTEN I CHANGE IT AROUND

SO I DON'T FALL INTO A RUT.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU DO IT?

- EVERY 10 YEARS.

IN APRIL.

ON A MONDAY.

AFTER LUNCH.

BUT THIS TIME, I'M PRETTY MUCH OUT OF IDEAS

SO, JOANNA, COULD YOU--

- OH, GEORGE, I'M NOT SURE WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE.

- JOANNA, YOU HAVE THE BEST TASTE OF ANYBODY I KNOW.

- THEN OBVIOUSLY YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW DARYL BETTER.

HE'S THE ONE THAT CAME UP WITH THAT DIRT IDEA

FOR THE FLOOR OF OUR CABIN.

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO WOO HIM AS A CONSULTANT.

- WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, FELLAS,

BUT I DID ASK JOANNA FIRST.

- THAT'S OKAY.

DARYL IS PRICED A LITTLE BIT OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

- SO, JOANNA?

- OKAY, GEORGE.

I'LL COME UP IN AN HOUR AND MAKE A FEW SUGGESTIONS

BUT THAT'S ALL. - AN HOUR?

YOU COULD GIVE A GUY SOME NOTICE.

- HERE'S YOUR BREAKFAST.

- STEPHANIE, JUST A HINT.

IT'S BACON AND EGGS. NOT BACON THEN EGGS.

- MORNING, STRATFORD-INNITES.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BREAKFAST FOR A MICHAEL HARRIS BULLETIN.

I'M GOING AWAY FOR A WEEK.

- MICHAEL.

- SAVE THOSE BOO-HOOS, STEPH.

I'VE GOT A BIG JOB INTERVIEW.

- MICHAEL!

- IN SYRACUSE.

- MICHAEL.

- CUPCAKE, SYRACUSE IS UP AND COMING.

IT'S OFTEN CALLED THE NEW YORK OF CENTRAL NEW YORK.

- MICHAEL, YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE OFF FOR A WEEK.

WHO'S GOING TO PRODUCE "VERMONT TODAY"?

- NO PROBLEMO.

I'VE ASKED ALMA SPROAT TO FILL MY FLOOR SHOTS.

- THE STATION'S RECEPTIONIST?

WELL, WHAT DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT PRODUCING A TELEVISION SHOW?

- NOT A HELL OF A LOT.

BUT IN CASE I DON'T GET THE JOB, WATCH MY STOCK RISE.

( laughing )

ALMA WILL BE FINE.

THIS WEEK, I'VE LINED YOU UP WITH THE PERFECT GUEST,

NAME: MR. NED NICHOLAS.

OCCUPATION: BUILDS MODELS OF NATIONAL MONUMENTS

OUT OF CHERRY LIFESAVERS.

THAT'S THE SUPREME COURT BUILDING.

- IT IS?

- C'MON, DICK, YOU'RE THE HISTORY BUFF.

- I DON'T WANT NED NICHOLAS AND HIS CANDY MODELS.

VERY BAD CANDY MODELS.

I WANT DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF.

- COME AGAIN?

- DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF,

THE GUY WHO SPENT 10 YEARS IN A RUSSIAN GULAG

AND THEN ESCAPED TO THE UNITED STATES.

- DICK, DICK, THE U.S., RUSSIA, US, THEM,

WHAT CAN YOU SAY THAT HASN'T ALREADY BEEN SAID?

- MICHAEL--

- WHOOPS, OOH, I'VE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

OH, BYE, STEPH.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BREAKFAST.

( giggling )

( music playing )

( knock on door )

- HELLO, MR. LOUDON. I'M ALMA SPROAT.

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT PRODUCING YOUR SHOW THIS WEEK.

- YEAH. YEAH, THIS CANDY ARCHITECT

SHOULD REALLY BE SOMETHING.

- OH, YES, IT'LL BE FASCINATING TO SEE

WHAT THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT WILL LOOK LIKE

IF IT'S RED AND ROUND.

- YEAH, WE'LL PROBABLY WANT TO BUILD TO THAT.

- I KNOW I'M BRAND NEW AT THIS JOB

AND IT'S PROBABLY NOT MY PLACE TO SAY

BUT... THIS GUEST IS REALLY STUPID.

- OH, ALMA.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

HE'S ALREADY BOOKED.

- WELL, LET'S GIVE HIM THE OLD HEAVE-HO.

- WE CAN'T JUST CANCEL HIM, CAN WE?

- SO, WHO SHALL WE BOOK INSTEAD?

- CAN WE REALLY DO THIS?

- C'MON, WHO'S YOUR DREAM GUEST?

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

- AT THIS MOMENT, YOU.

BUT MY SECOND CHOICE WOULD BE DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF.

- THE ESCAPED RUSSIAN? HE'D BE A GREAT GUEST.

- YEAH, BUT HOW WOULD WE GET A BUSY GUY LIKE THAT

ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE?

- EASY, I KNOW HIS SECRETARY

AND I HAVE THE RECIPE FOR A STROGANOFF

THAT'LL MAKE HIM HUSTLE HIS BUNSKIES RIGHT OVER HERE.

( music playing )

- SO WHAT SORT OF CHANGES DO YOU USUALLY MAKE?

- WELL, 10 YEARS AGO, I MOVED THIS FROM OVER THERE.

TEN YEARS BEFORE THAT, I MOVED IT FROM OVER THERE.

TEN YEARS BEFORE THAT, IT WASN'T HERE SO I BOUGHT IT.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU USE THE ROOM?

TO READ, TO WATCH TELEVISION, TO WORK?

- YES.

- MM-HM.

- SO NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT A HANDLE ON THE PRIVATE ME,

WHAT SHOULD THIS PLACE LOOK LIKE?

- THIS.

- C'MON, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU COULD DO

TO IMPROVE THIS PLACE.

- NOTHING REALLY.

MAYBE I'D ADD A SPLASH OF COLOR.

- WHOA, COLOR!

WHAT KIND OF COLOR?

- WELL, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE?

- BOY, THEY'RE ALL SO NICE, I DON'T KNOW.

- HOW ABOUT BLUE?

- BLUE, THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

NO OFFENSE TO THE OTHERS.

- WELL, YOU COULD HAVE A BLUE BEDSPREAD.

- A BLUE BEDSPREAD.

JOANNA, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.

HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THIS ROOM.

I'LL STAY AT THE INN.

DON'T SHOW IT TO ME UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

- IT MIGHT BE KIND OF FUN.

I DID SEE SOME NICE CURTAINS AT BENFER'S.

- CURTAINS!

BOY! - GEORGE,

I'LL DO IT, OKAY?

( music playing )

- WHEN I FINALLY STEPPED OFF PLANE,

I REALIZED AT LAST I AM FREE.

I THREW MYSELF TO THE GROUND.

I TOOK DIRT.

I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH.

I WANTED TO TASTE FREEDOM.

OH, MY GOD, IT WAS SWEET.

- WOW!

ANOTHER THING I'D LOVE TO ASK YOU--

OH, DARN -- WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

- JOIN US NEXT WEEK ON "VERMONT TODAY."

- AND WE'RE CLEAR.

( applause )

- WELL, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

I GREW AS A HUMAN BEING.

- THANK YOU, DICK. YOU MUST BUY MY BOOK.

COULD SOMEONE HELP ME CARRY SIX QUARTS OF STROGANOFF

TO TRUNK OF MY COUPE DEVILLE WITH LANDAU ROOF?

- YOU MUST SAY GOODBYE TO THE LOVELY MRS. SPROAT.

- DICK, THIS SHOW WAS GOOD.

- THANK YOU, J.J.

- NO, I MEAN IT. IT WAS GOOD.

NORMALLY, I DON'T GO IN FOR THIS PUBLIC AFFAIRS STUFF

BUT TODAY, FIVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW,

WE COMPLETELY FORGOT OUR TRIVIAL PURSUIT GAME.

- YOU PLAY GAMES WHILE YOU'RE DIRECTING MY SHOW?

- WELL, IT KEEPS THE GUYS IN THE BOOTH FROM NODDING OFF.

BUT TODAY, THE GAME WAS ALMOST, WELL, A DISTRACTION.

THANKS TO THIS LITTLE LADY RIGHT OVER HERE.

- THANKS.

OH, J.J., WOULD YOU HELP ME CLEAR THINGS OFF THE SET?

- OH, ALMA.

- I MADE SOME BUTTERSCOTCH CHEWIES.

- WITH PEANUT BUTTER?

( sighing )

- DICK, I THINK YOU'VE HIT YOUR STRIDE.

THIS SHOW MOVED ME.

WHEN HE TOLD ABOUT FINALLY GETTING A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE

AND THEY HAD CENSORED EVERYTHING

EXCEPT THE WORDS "CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE," I WEPT.

- WELL, THANKS, BEV.

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A REPLACEMENT

IN CASE MICHAEL GETS THE SYRACUSE JOB

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I'D LIKE TO RECOMMEND THAT GIRL.

- WELL, FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN TODAY,

SHE'S GREAT BUT MICHAEL PHONED.

HE DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

- OH. SO HE'LL BE STAYING ON.

- YOU DON'T SOUND TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT, DICK.

- HE'S STAYING ON.

WHOOPEE.

- WELL, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY.

- YOU MEAN, FIRE HIM?

- WELL, HE WOULDN'T REALLY BE FIRED.

HE DOES A BUNCH OF OTHER SHOWS FOR US.

- THAT'S TRUE.

HE'S GOT "CARTOON LAGOON," "SEWING WITH SUZY,"

"BINKY THE CLOWN,"

"HEY, YOU, FARMER,"

THE "MR. SING WITH ME HOUR."

- YOU WANT ALMA, DON'T YOU?

- WELL, THIS IS MICHAEL'S MOST IMPORTANT SHOW.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE STATION MANAGER,

YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND, I'LL ABIDE BY YOUR DECISION.

- GOOD, BECAUSE I'VE DECIDED TO LET YOU DECIDE.

MICHAEL OR ALMA, BUT JUST TELL ME BY TOMORROW.

( music playing )

- I'M READY TO SHOW GEORGE'S ROOM.

HE IS SUCH A PACK RAT.

I HAD TO FIND A PLACE IN THE GARAGE

FOR 20 YEARS OF "BOY'S LIFE."

- SOUNDS PRETTY.

- OH, HONEY, ARE YOU STILL WORRIED ABOUT ALMA AND MI--

- ABOUT ALMA AND MICHAEL?

- REMEMBER LAST NIGHT YOU SUGGESTED

I TRY TO THINK OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS

MICHAEL HAD DONE FOR ME?

- YEAH.

- ALL I COULD COME UP WITH

WAS THE TIME I WAS WALKING IN THE DRIVEWAY

AND HE SWERVED TO MISS ME.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU SHOULD GO WITH ALMA.

- ARE YOU NUTS? THAT WOULD CRUSH--

- THAT WOULD CRUSH MICHAEL.

- THEN I GUESS YOU'LL STAY WITH HIM.

- THAT'S STUPID.

ALMA JUST PRODUCED THE BEST SHOW I EVER DID.

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T KINDNESS, DECENCY AND SKILL BE REWARDED?

- YES. - NO!

I DON'T WANT TO FIRE MICHAEL.

I DO FEEL SOMETHING FOR HIM.

THE KIND OF AFFECTION YOU FEEL FOR A PUPPY

THAT YOU DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?

I HAVE TO DECIDE BETWEEN MICHAEL--

- BETWEEN MICHAEL--

- STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT BEHIND MY BACK.

- STEPHANIE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW.

- HOW CAN I NOT KNOW SOMETHING

THAT'S GOING TO DESTROY MICHAEL LIKE THIS?

- THERE'S NOTHING DEFINITE ABOUT IT YET.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THESE ARE DEFINITELY SPLIT ENDS.

AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YES, EVERYBODY,

STEPHANIE VANDERKELLEN HAS SPLIT ENDS.

( sobbing )

( music playing )

- OKAY.

WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ROOM I EVER SAW.

I NEVER-- WHOA, THAT WAS CLOSE.

- GEORGE, RELAX, THE RUG IS THERE

FOR YOU TO WALK ON AND ENJOY.

- GREAT.

OH, WHAT A LOVELY BEDSPREAD.

- IT'S A 200-YEAR-OLD ANTIQUE.

- AH-AH-AHH.

AND WOW, LOOK AT THOSE PRETTY CUSHIONS.

- I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THEM.

DID YOU NOTICE THE WAY THE RASPBERRY CANDIES

BRING OUT THE COLOR IN THOSE THROW PILLOWS?

- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T.

- BOY, THIS LOOKS COMFY.

- AREN'T YOU GONNA SIT IN IT?

- I CAN'T, IT'LL WRINKLE.

- NO.

NO, IT WON'T. SIT.

- I CAN'T. - SIT.

- I CAN'T. - SIT!

- SEE, IT DID WRINKLE.

- NO, IT DIDN'T.

WELL, GEE, IT DID WRINKLE.

( knocking on door )

- HI.

TO BE BRIEF, IT'S US.

WE'RE HERE TO WISH YOU A HAPPY ROOM-WARMING.

- GET OFF THE RUG!

- GEORGE.

- I'M SORRY.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE?

- NOT ON THE BED!

YOU THREE GUYS CAN SIT ON THE WRINKLED CHAIR.

- DARYL LIKES WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE ROOM.

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S VERY FLATTERING, COMING FROM A DECORATOR.

- I'M AFRAID YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG DARYL.

THE DECORATOR DARYL FEELS

YOU'VE MADE INEFFECTUAL USE OF YOUR SPACE.

- NO OFFENSE, GUYS, BUT I THINK JOANNA HAS CREATED A WARM,

COMFORTABLE, INVITING-- DON'T TOUCH THE CANDY.

YIKES!

- OH, DEAR, LOOK HOW LATE IT'S GOTTEN.

C'MON, DARYL.

WE'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY TIME.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HAVING ANY MORE PARTIES,

WE CAN RSVP YOU RIGHT NOW.

NO.

- YOU HATE IT. - NO, I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT SO MUCH I COULD NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LIVE IN IT.

EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAN, SO NEAT.

- CLEAN IS THE PROBLEM? NEAT IS THE PROBLEM?

- CAN YOU LIVE IN IT NOW?

- I GUESS SO.

IF THE BOARD OF HEALTH SAYS IT'S OKAY.

( music playing )

( knocking on door )

Dick: COME IN.

- HI, DICK.

YOUR PRODIGAL PRODUCER HAS RETURNED.

- MICHAEL, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- SURE THING. OH, BETWEEN YOU, ME AND THE LAMP POST,

HOW DID ALMA DO?

- ALMA WAS TERRIFIC.

- SWELL. I MUST REMEMBER TO GIVE HER

ONE OF MY PATENTED WELL-DONES.

- MICHAEL, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- SAY NO MORE, DICK.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO OFFER YOUR CONDOLENCES

ABOUT THE SYRACUSE JOB.

WELL, FORGET IT.

( sniggering )

I REALIZE THAT THAT WAS NOT THE JOB

FOR THIS UP-AND-COMER.

I'D RATHER BE HERE AROUND PEOPLE I TRUST

AND, PARDON MY MUSH, REALLY GET OFF ON.

- MICHAEL-- - BESIDES,

IT'S HARDER TO BURST ON THE SCENE FROM SYRACUSE.

THERE HAVE BEEN STUDIES.

OH, BY THE WAY, NOW, THE WORD I'M GIVING THE UNDERLINGS HERE

IS THAT I'M THE ONE WHO TURNED THEM DOWN.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE THE RESPECT OF THE PEOPLE

YOU WORK WITH, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO LIE.

- MICHAEL, SOMETIMES WE GO AWAY AND WHEN WE COME BACK,

THINGS AREN'T THE SAME AS THEY USED TO BE.

- WOW, THAT'S PROFOUND.

UP FOR LUNCH?

- MICHAEL, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE AN OKAY PRODUCER.

BUT ALMA IS BETTER

AND THAT'S WHY I'M HIRING HER FOR "VERMONT TODAY" AND --

AND REVERSING THE PROCESS FOR YOU.

- COULDN'T HEAR YOU, DICK.

- YOU'RE SORT OF FIRED.

- WHAT?

- I'M SORRY.

- FIRED?

Dick: BUT ONLY FROM "VERMONT TODAY."

I MEAN, YOU STILL HAVE ALL THOSE OTHER SHOWS.

MICHAEL, I-- - NO, DON'T TOUCH ME.

- I WASN'T GOING TO TOUCH YOU.

- "VERMONT TODAY" WAS MY SHOW.

I CREATED IT. I CREATED YOU.

I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE TODAY,

YOU BACK STABBER.

I'M SORRY, DICK, BUT AFTER THIS SLAP IN THE FACE,

I DON'T THINK I CAN WORK WITH YOU AGAIN.

- WELL, THAT'S KIND OF GOOD.

BECAUSE, AS I SAID, YOU WON'T.

( knocking on door )

- DICK, GUESS WHAT?

OH, HI, MICHAEL.

I JUST GOT A CALL FROM SYRACUSE.

THEY SAW SUNDAY'S "VERMONT TODAY"

AND OFFERED ME A JOB,

THE ONE YOU SAID THEY COULD SHOVE.

AND SYRACUSE IS CLOSE TO MY DAUGHTER.

OH, I OWE ALL THIS TO BOTH OF YOU.

MWAH!

MWAH!

IS THIS A HAPPY DAY OR WHAT?

- WELL, DICK, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUT OF A PRODUCER.

AND YOU CAN JUST FORGET THIS GUY.

BEG AND WEEP ALL YOU WANT.

THE FACT IS I COULD NEVER COME BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY."

- I UNDERSTAND, MICHAEL, AND MAYBE IT'S BEST

IF WE BOTH PART COMPANY

AND START FRESH.

- PLEASE, DICK, PLEASE, PLEASE, I WANT TO COME BACK.

PLEASE, PLEASE, I'LL BEG IF I HAVE TO.

- MICHAEL, BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR PRIDE--

- I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT,

ANYTHING JUST TO GET MY JOB BACK.

- WE HAVE DIFFERENT TASTES.

WE'VE NEVER AGREED ON A GUEST FOR THE SHOW.

- JUST TELL ME WHO YOU WANT AND I'LL WRITE IT ON THE FORM.

- DR. RAOUL FINCH, THE PALEONTOLOGIST.

- HOW ABOUT IF HE CAME IN ON THE ARMS OF SOME

LOCAL CHEERLEADERS?

- MICHAEL.

- HE COULD TALK ABOUT HOW THEIR BONES DIFFER

FROM THOSE OF CRO-MAGNON CHEERLEADERS, HM?

- MICHAEL.

- ALL RIGHT.

YOU PICK THE GUESTS.

NO ARGUMENTS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AM I STILL YOUR PRODUCER?

- I KNOW I'M GONNA REGRET THIS MORE THAN I ALREADY DO,

( sighing )

OKAY.

- THAT'S THE FINEST THING--

( sighing )

THAT'S THE FINEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN A HUMAN BEING DO.

WELL, FROM NOW ON, IT'S GONNA BE A WHOLE NEW SHOW.

AND A WHOLE NEW ME.

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!