Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( music playing )

- HOLA, MUCHACHOS.

DONDE ESTA MY MAIN SQUEEZE?

- STEPHANIE, YOUR BLITHERING IDIOT IS HERE.

- THANKS, DICK.

STEPH AND I HAVE SOME MAJOR CELEBRATING TO DO.

- DARN, IT'S NOT A MISTAKE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- THEY'VE REPLACED MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

JUST WHEN YOU FIND A SHOW THAT'S INTELLIGENT, STIMULATING

AND DOESN'T TALK DOWN TO YOU, THEY YANK IT.

- WHAT SHOW, GEORGE? - "BARNABY JONES."

- WHOA, COINCIDENCE-ARAMA.

THIS TIES DIRECTLY INTO MY CELEBRATION.

- YOU'RE CELEBRATING THE CANCELLATION

OF "BARNABY JONES"?

- IN A WAY, YES.

YOU SEE, THE STATION'S DECIDED

TO LET ME TRY MY HAND AT PROGRAMMING.

AND TODAY MARKS THE DEBUT OF THE NEW MICHAEL HARRIS SCHEDULE

OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, MTV.

( giggling )

- WELL, ANY SCHEDULE WITHOUT BUDDY EBSEN SUCKS EGGS.

- GEORGE, DON'T DESPAIR.

I PURCHASED A REPLACEMENT SHOW OF EQUAL QUALITY AND VALUE.

- "LIFESTYLES OF THE SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS"?

- IT'S A PIECE OF FLUFF.

THEY DON'T SOLVE CRIMES

OR HAVE A CUTE SECRETARY OR ANYTHING.

- GEORGE, EACH EPISODE OF "BARNABY"

HAS AIRED OVER 10 TIMES.

- BUT NO MATTER HOW OFTEN I WATCH,

I ALWAYS FIND NEW THINGS.

BUDDY CAN DO MORE WITH HIS EYEBROWS

THAN ANY ACTOR I KNOW.

- MICHAEL, I'M READY.

- GEORGE, I'D LOVE TO KEEP UP THIS POINTLESS DEBATE

BUT WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS BRUNCHING TO DO.

STEPH, SAY IT FOR ME, JUST ONCE.

- ( sighing ) I WANT MY MTV.

( giggling )

- WELL, I REFUSE TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.

I'M GONNA GET "BARNABY JONES" BACK ON THE AIR.

OR AS BUDDY WOULD SAY...

- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING, MISS NEWMAN.

DID YOU SLEEP WELL? - OH, YES.

I JUST LOVE YOUR INN.

GREAT PILLOWS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY FIANC� EDWARD?

- NO, BUT HERE'S A NOTE FOR YOU.

- OH, HE'S ALWAYS WRITING ME REALLY EMBARRASSING GUSHY NOTES.

- OH, HO, HO.

- ( gasping )

HE RAN OUT ON ME.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED THIS AFTERNOON

BUT HE SAYS HE'S NOT SURE OF HIS FEELINGS.

- I'M SURE HE'LL SEE THE LIGHT BEFORE HE GETS TOO FAR.

- SAYS HE'S HOPPING THE FIRST BUS FOR CANADA.

- MAYBE HE'LL SEE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS FIRST.

- THIS IS AWFUL.

I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO GET HOME.

- OH, DON'T WORRY, IF YOU WANT,

WE'LL LEND YOU THE MONEY TO GET HOME.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND

BUT I BELIEVE IN PAYING MY OWN WAY.

- GOOD FOR YOU.

- I KNOW, MAYBE I COULD GET A JOB IN THIS TOWN.

I USED TO BE A WAITRESS BACK IN ARIZONA.

IN FACT, I SAW A CUTE CAF� RIGHT NEXT DOOR,

THE "MINUTEMAN."

- I--I HAPPEN TO KNOW THEY'RE NOT HIRING.

- OKAY.

WELL, I'LL BET YOU I HAVE A JOB BY THE END OF THE DAY.

I MEAN, THE SECRET TO GETTING HIRED

IS TO PROJECT A STRONG, POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

( music playing )

( inhales )

( sneezes twice )

( inhales )

( sneezes )

( sneezes twice more )

- WELL, I THINK WE HAVE A--

YOU TWO HAVING SNEEZING CONTESTS AGAIN?

I CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A MINUTE

WITHOUT YOU ABUSING A CONDIMENT.

- HELLO.

- HI. I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARRYL.

PLEASE, GRAB A RUMPFUL OF VINYL.

- OH, THANK YOU, BUT I'M NOT HERE AS A CUSTOMER.

I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AS A WAITRESS.

- I'M SORRY, BUT DARRYL AND I DO FINE BY OURSELVES.

WE'RE KINDA LIKE A VERY OILY MACHINE.

- PLEASE, I'VE BEEN ALL OVER TOWN.

YOU'RE MY LAST HOPE.

- I'D LIKE TO HELP.

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

THE LUNCH RUSH IS ABOUT TO START.

DARRYL, STATIONS, PLEASE.

- HEY, BOYS.

MA'AM.

- CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

- JUST THE USUAL.

- I'M SORRY.

IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER EACH REGULAR'S CULINARY PREFERENCES.

- CUP OF COFFEE.

- OH, YEAH. CUP O' JOE!

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A GENEROUS HUNK OF PIE?

- NO THANKS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANY BIGGER TARGET OUT THERE

THAN I HAVE TO.

- WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, THE THREE OF US

CAN HANDLE THINGS EVEN WHEN IT GETS BUSY.

- WELL, THE CHEERY SMILE OF A GOOD WAITRESS

CAN DO A LOT TO STIMULATE BUSINESS.

- 'FRAID WE GOT THAT ONE COVERED.

- I'LL BET I COULD HAVE GOTTEN HIM

TO TAKE THAT PIECE OF PIE.

- GO ON.

WE OFFER HIM SOME EVERY TIME HE COMES HERE.

- JUST WATCH.

- OFFICER.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THIS PIE?

- I'D LOVE TO, BUT IN MY LINE OF WORK,

FITNESS EQUALS SURVIVAL.

- C'MON, SURELY ONE PIECE OF PIE

ISN'T GONNA HURT A STOMACH AS FLAT AS THAT.

- IT IS OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR A WASHBOARD.

WHAT THE HELL,

PIE ME.

- WELL, LITTLE LADY, YOU GOT A W-4 FORM TO FILL OUT.

- OH, REALLY?

- YOU'RE AMAZING.

WE THOUGHT WE'D BEEN SAVING THAT PIE IN VAIN

FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

( music playing )

- SHOULDN'T KATHY BE BACK BY NOW?

SHE SAID SHE'D BE HOME AFTER THE BREAKFAST SHIFT.

- HONEY, WILL YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT HER?

SHE WAS FINE YESTERDAY.

- I KNOW, BUT HOW MUCH LONGER CAN HER LUCK HOLD OUT?

- HI. BOY, WHAT A MORNING.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- OH, I HELPED THEM CLEAN THE GRIDDLE.

- OKAY. THAT'S IT. YOU'VE GOT TO GO HOME.

WE'LL LEND YOU THE MONEY.

- OH, THANKS,

BUT I'M NOT THAT ANXIOUS TO GET HOME ANYMORE.

- YOU LIKE WORKING WITH LARRY AND THE DARRYLS?

- THEY'RE THE SWEETEST MEN I'VE EVER MET.

NOT AT ALL LIKE EDWARD.

- REALLY?

- WELL, I HAVE TO FRESHEN UP AND GET BACK THERE.

- HOLA, LOUDONS.

DICK, GREAT NEWS.

I THINK I CAN GET THE SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS

TO GUEST ON YOUR SHOW.

- I DON'T DO GLITZ.

- EXACTLY MY POINT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN BREAK THROUGH

ALL THAT PHONY GLAMOUR AND CHEESECAKE

AND GRILL THE TRUE MEASUREMENTS OUT OF THOSE GIRLS.

- LOOK, MICHAEL.

I GOT EVERY BEAVER IN TOWN TO SIGN THIS PETITION

TO PUT "BARNABY JONES" BACK ON THE AIR.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, GEORGE, BUT THE BEAVERS DON'T REPRESENT

THE YOUNGER AUDIENCE WPIV IS AFTER.

BUT THIS NEW SHOW IS FILLED WITH EXCITING THINGS

TODAY'S HIP VIEWERS WANT TO SEE.

THE DRAMA OF THE DANCERS' LIVES, THEIR VICTORIES,

THEIR DEFEATS, THEIR THIGHS.

- THE ONLY THIGHS I WANT TO SEE BELONG TO BUDDY EBSEN.

- GEORGE, MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

IF YOU WERE UNDER 30,

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING WOULD MATTER DEEPLY TO ME.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T CARE WHAT I WANT

BUT THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN DO.

AND I CAN GET THEM ALL BEHIND ME.

BRING BACK BUDDY!

BRING BACK BUDDY!

- SO WHERE'S MY SENSUAL SENORITA?

- SHE'S UPSTAIRS GIVING HERSELF A FACIAL.

- OH BOY, IF I HURRY, I CAN PEEL.

- THOSE WOULDN'T BE FOR ME, WOULD THEY?

- THEY'RE FOR KATHY, RIGHT?

- SHE'S FRESHENING UP RIGHT NOW.

- YOU'RE GOING TO WAIT, AREN'T YOU?

- IT'S A SHAME ABOUT THIS BARNABY THING, ISN'T IT?

- WHY DON'T WE PUT THOSE IN SOME WATER?

- FOR KATHY, RIGHT?

- GREAT.

- UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP ABOUT BARNABY.

- FELLAS.

- I'LL JUST HOLD ON TO THIS.

- FELLAS, I'M SURE THERE'S A WAY TO WORK THIS OUT.

- ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE NOT.

( music playing )

- DARRYL, THERE YOU ARE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

- THEY WERE BOTH BRINGING FLOWERS FOR KATHY.

- I SEE.

DARRYL, GET BACK TO THE CAF� AND WAIT FOR ME.

I'M SORRY YOU WERE SUBJECTED

TO SUCH HORMONALLY MOTIVATED BEHAVIOR.

I GUESS THE ONLY THING TO DO

IS FIND OUT WHICH DARRYL SHE PREFERS

AND LOCK THE HAPPY COUPLE IN A BARN FOR A WHILE.

- LARRY, I THINK I KNOW KATHY WELL ENOUGH

TO SAY THAT THE DARRYL OF HER CHOICE IS NEITHER.

- GOSH, I THOUGHT BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM

THEY WOULD HAVE COVERED ALL RANGES OF TASTE.

- GO FIGURE.

- WELL, I'LL UPDATE DARRYL.

MEANTIME, COULD YOU EXPLAIN THE SITUATION TO MISS KATHY?

- WHY ME?

- YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO TALK ABOUT AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

WITHOUT USING GRAPHIC SEXUAL TERMINOLOGY.

- IT'S A GIFT.

- WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

- KATHY, IT SEEMS YOUR PRESENCE AT THE CAF�

HAS STIRRED UP SOME ROMANTIC FEELINGS OVER THERE.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

- THERE'S NO REASON TO BE FRIGHTENED.

- OH, I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

- YOU DO?

- I WAS HAVING SOME FEELINGS TOO.

- YOU WERE?

- WHICH DARRYL DO YOU LIKE?

- DARRYL? OH, I THINK THEY'RE SWEET BUT,

I LIKE LARRY.

- LARRY?

- HE'S MASCULINE, HE'S DEPENDABLE, HE'S SENSITIVE.

HE SPEAKS.

- HE DOES HAVE IT ALL.

- KATHY, THIS IS GETTING PRETTY COMPLICATED.

IT'S THE DARRYLS WHO LIKE YOU.

THEY JUST GOT INTO A BIG FIGHT BECAUSE OF IT.

- OH, GOSH.

WELL, I GUESS THE ONLY WAY TO PUT AN END TO THIS

IS TO GO OVER THERE AND TELL THEM

IT'S LARRY I'M INTERESTED IN.

- KATHY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

- I HAVE TO, MR. LOUDON.

I'VE CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY.

OH, DEAR, I KNOW DARRYL CAN TAKE THIS

BUT THIS'LL BREAK POOR DARRYL'S HEART.

( music playing )

- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY

WHEN A PRETTY FACE COULD TURN BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER.

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

- WELL, I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY

THAT KATHY AIN'T A SMIDGEON INTERESTED IN YOU OR YOU.

FROM HEREON, YOU TWO LEAVE MISS KATHY BE.

NOW LET'S SEE SOME FORGIVING AND FORGETTING.

- HI, GUYS.

- MISS KATHY.

- LISTEN, I HATE TO BE THE CAUSE OF ANY FRICTION BETWEEN YOU

SO I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW MY FEELINGS.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

UH, WELL, THIS IS HARD FOR ME SO...

- THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I KNEW HOW TO SHOW YOU.

HOPE YOU FEEL THE SAME.

- WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.

- OH, LARRY.

- EXCUSE ME, WE'RE READY TO ORDER NOW.

- OH, COMING.

- LISTEN, WE'LL ALL TALK LATER.

- OH, HI, GUYS.

NOW DARRYL, I KNOW HOW THIS LOOKS

BUT I HAD NO IDEA SHE HAD EYES FOR YOURS TRULY.

I REALIZE THIS IS HARD TO BELIEVE,

COMING AS IT DOES

FROM LIPS THAT JUST SMUSHED UP AGAINST PARADISE.

LOOK, THE FLEA HAS PICKED OUT HER DOG.

NOW, GET TO YOUR STATIONS.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- DON'T WORRY.

THEY'RE JUST A LITTLE SLOW TO ABSORB THINGS.

NOT UNLIKE THEM PLAIN WRAPPED PAPER TOWELS.

- HERE'S THE ORDER ON TABLE 5.

- DARRYL, TWO FRUIT SALADS PRONTO.

- GOOD THING WE DIDN'T ORDER HOT SOUP.

- PLEASE, PLEASE REMAIN SEATED.

I WILL SOON HAVE THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.

- STOP IT! STOP IT!

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT THAT YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THIS.

I CAN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.

BEFORE I CAME,

YOU THREE WERE SUCH AN OILY MACHINE.

( sobbing )

- WAIT, MISS KATHY.

I FELT TOWARD THE END, DARRYL AND I

WERE STARTING TO WORK THINGS OUT.

( music playing )

- MICHAEL, IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

- BUT STEPH, I'M ALL WET.

GEORGE, THIS BARNABY STUFF HAS GONE TOO FAR.

- SOMETHING WRONG, MICHAEL?

- YOU'VE GOT THIS WHOLE TOWN OF HOOLIGANS OUT TO GET ME.

PHONE OPERATORS BREAK INTO MY PHONE CALLS

AND GO "BUDDY, BUDDY."

BANK TELLERS DEMAND 10 PIECES OF ID.

AND FINALLY, I WAS THE VICTIM

OF THE MOST HIDEOUS OF ALL AUTOMOBILE CRIMES,

THE SPLASH AND RUN.

- THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

- DARN RIGHT. I COULD CATCH PNEUMONIA.

- NOT YOU. ME.

LOOK, A SPOT OF MUD.

- OH MY GOD.

THAT'S IT, GEORGE.

BETWEEN MEN IS ONE THING

BUT WHEN INNOCENT CUPCAKES TAKE SHRAPNEL.

- SORRY, MICHAEL,

BUT PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.

- TELEVISION IS A MASS MEDIUM.

IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN HADES TOWN

WHEN I BOW TO THE WHIM OF ONE PERSON.

- MICHAEL, I CAN'T DATE YOU UNTIL MY CLOTHING IS SAFE.

- BARNABY WILL BE BACK ON TOMORROW, GEORGE.

- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

- GEORGE, SUPPOSE I PUT

"LIFESTYLES OF THE SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS"

ON IN PLACE OF "EIGHT IS ENOUGH"?

- LIFE WITHOUT DICK VAN PATTEN?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY LONGER IF YOU WANT.

- OH, THANKS, BUT I DON'T THINK THIS TOWN'S TOO GOOD FOR ME.

I'VE LOST TWO MEN IN THREE DAYS.

- HI.

I'M LARRY, FLYING SOLO.

- LARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WELL, I FIGURED YOU'D BE HEADING OUT OF TOWN.

I WONDERED IF YOU'D MIND MY TAGGING ALONG.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR BROTHERS?

- WELL, WE DISCUSSED IT AND DISCUSSED IT

UNTIL WE RAN OUT OF BASIC FOOD GROUPS.

I TOLD THEM THEY COULD HAVE THE CAF�.

- LARRY, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

- WELL, MISS KATHY'S KISS MOVED ME

MORE THAN I'VE EVER BEEN MOVED BEFORE.

'COURSE, NOTHING FEMININE'S TOUCHED THESE LIPS

SINCE THAT FAT LADY STOOD UP ON THE BUS.

SO, IS IT TWO FOR THE ROAD?

- OH, LARRY, I JUST KNOW WE'RE GONNA BE WONDERFUL TOGETHER.

- OOH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THAT FAT LADY IS A DISTANT SECOND.

- KATHY. - EDWARD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- KATHY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE ME ANOTHER NOTE?

- KATHY, I KNOW I DID A TERRIBLE THING

BUT I WAS SCARED.

I MEAN, MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE.

AFTER I LEFT HERE, I REALIZED THAT

I'D HAVE NO LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

- I'M SORRY, EDWARD.

WHILE YOU WERE GONE,

I MET A VERY SWEET, GENTLE, KIND MAN.

HE'S COMING BACK TO ARIZONA WITH ME.

- I THOUGHT HE WAS MARRIED TO HER.

- NOT ME.

HIM.

LARRY.

- WOW. I REALLY HURT YOU, DIDN'T I?

- WE HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER, EDWARD.

- KATHY, PLEASE. - I'M SORRY.

- SO AM I.

- WELL, WE HAVE A BUS TO CATCH.

- I DON'T THINK SO, MISS KATHY.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY,

YOU BEING SUCH A TASTY BAG OF GROCERIES AN' ALL,

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK IT'D BE RIGHT.

- LARRY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT EDWARD.

YOU HEARD ME TELL HIM THAT WE'RE THROUGH.

- I HEARD WHAT YOU TOLD HIM.

BUT YOUR MOUTH WAS HAVING A MAJOR ARGUMENT WITH YOUR EYES.

THERE'S A BIRD IN THESE WOODS CALLED THE SAPSUCKER.

WHEN IT MATES, IT MATES FOR LIFE.

THE BOY SAPSUCKER AND THE GIRL SAPSUCKER

JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR EYES THAT SAYS,

"I'M FOR YOU AND YOU'RE FOR ME, FOREVER."

I SAW THAT SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE FOR EDWARD.

AND IN HIS FOR YOU.

- LARRY, PEOPLE ARE NOT SAPSUCKERS.

- I DON'T KNOW.

COVER 'EM WITH FEATHERS, JAM A BIG SNOUT ON THEIR FACE,

SLICE OFF SOME TOES, LOP OFF THEIR ARMS,

GRAFT WINGS ON THEIR SPINAL COLUMN,

I'D BE HARD PRESSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

- WOW, WE'RE JUST A HAIR'S BREADTH AWAY

FROM BEING BIRDS.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WAY HE RAN OUT ON ME?

- WHAT ABOUT THE WAY HE CAME BACK TO YOU?

IF YOU HURRY, YOU CAN CATCH UP WITH HIM.

- OH, LARRY, YOU'RE SO WISE.

I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET YOU.

- LARRY, WHAT YOU JUST DID WAS WONDERFUL.

- THEN WHY DO MY INSIDES FEEL LIKE

THEY'VE JUST BEEN WORKED OVER BY A BENIHANA CHEF?

I HAVE NO GIRL,

I HAVE NO BROTHERS AND I HAVE NO HOME.

( door opening )

- STAND BACK, DARRYL, I GOT A POP TART IN MY POCKET.

I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- OH, MY, A LOVELY CHAFING DISH.

- "TO LARRY AND KATHY,

GOOD LUCK WHEREVER YOU MAY ROAM."

- OHH.

THEY'VE ACCEPTED LARRY'S RELATIONSHIP.

- I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T.

- DARRYL, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, ASIDE FROM THE SPELLING.

BUT MISS KATHY JUST LEFT TOWN WITH HER PREVIOUS FIANC�.

I REALIZE YOU'LL PROBABLY TAUNT ME

FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS

BUT GO AHEAD, DO YOUR WORST.

AHH, YOU'RE THE BEST BROTHERS.

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST GO SO RIGHT WITH THAT DNA.

( music playing )

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!