Original subtitles

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( music playing )

- HONEY, YOU WANT TO SEE A BLAST FROM THE PAST?

- "PANEL IT PERFECT."

OH, DICK, I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS IN 15 YEARS.

- NO, I JUST WROTE IT.

- THIS IS THE BLAST FROM THE PAST.

- "WRITTEN BY DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP."

AW.

- I DON'T GET IT, DICK.

- OH, THAT WAS THE PEN NAME DICK USED

WHEN HE WAS WRITING HIS FIRST BOOK.

- SO THAT'S YOUR FIRST BOOK.

AW.

- NO, NO, I JUST WROTE THIS.

- YOU SEE, GEORGE, 15 YEARS AGO,

WHEN DICK WAS STILL WORKING AT THE AD AGENCY,

HE USED TO PUT "DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP"

ON HIS MANUSCRIPTS SO NO ONE WOULD KNOW

HE WAS WRITING ON THE SIDE.

- SO IT TOOK YOU 15 YEARS TO WRITE THAT?

- NO, I JUST WROTE THIS, GEORGE.

LOOK, SEE, I PUT "DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP" ON IT

BECAUSE I THOUGHT BARNEY, MY PUBLISHER,

WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF SEEING THE NAME AGAIN.

- OH.

I HOPE HE GETS THE KICK OUT OF IT I DID, DICK.

- OH, MY, ISN'T THIS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

- THANK YOU, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF--

- WHAT ARE YOUR RATES?

- A ROOM FOR THREE IS $50 A NIGHT.

- REALLY? DOES THAT INCLUDE THE REDUCED RATE FOR CHILDREN?

- THAT'S ONLY FOR KIDS UNDER 5.

- BRIAN, TELL THESE NICE PEOPLE

HOW OLD YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEXT MONTH.

- FIVE.

- MAYBE LITTLE BRIAN WOULD LIKE TO TELL US

WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN.

- ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

- ON THE BUTTON.

PRE-SCHOOL'S REALLY PAYING OFF.

- WELL, WITH THE TODDLER RATE, THAT WOULD BE $45.

- AND DON'T YOU KNOCK OFF A FEW BUCKS

FOR REPEAT CUSTOMERS?

- WE'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

- YEAH, BUT WE'RE COMING BACK NEXT YEAR.

- $45.

- WE'LL TAKE IT.

- GEORGE, WOULD YOU HELP WITH THE BAGS?

- SURE.

- OH, IS IT CUSTOMARY TO TIP THE HELP AT THESE COUNTRY INNS?

- YES, IT IS. Male guest: NO, NO, NO,

GET AWAY FROM THOSE.

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- REFILLS ARE FREE, RIGHT?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- I MEANT ON EGGS.

- WE HAVE A BOTTOMLESS CUP OF COFFEE,

NOT A BOTTOMLESS CHICKEN.

- WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND US

SOME MORE OF THOSE DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY MUFFINS?

- TRY CHECKING YOUR PURSE.

- MORNING, HONEY.

- THEY REJECTED MY BOOK.

- WHAT?

BARNEY HELPON WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

- BARNEY NEVER SAW IT.

- SOMEBODY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE NAME "SCHMIDLAPP"

AND GAVE IT TO SOME KID ASSISTANT EDITOR

WHO'S STILL IN DIAPERS WHO MISTOOK IT FOR DOODY.

- "GOOD WORK FOR A BEGINNER.

"SHOWS SOME PROMISE.

"SOMEDAY, MIGHT JUST PUBLISH SOMETHING."

THAT'S VERY ENCOURAGING, DICK.

- GEORGE, I'M A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.

I'VE BEEN PUBLISHING BOOKS FOR 15 YEARS.

- WHOA.

THEN HE REALLY LAYS INTO YOU, DOESN'T HE?

- OOH, DICK, REJECTED. THAT'S SO AWFUL.

DID I GET ANY MAIL?

- DICK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT YOUR REAL NAME

ON THE MANUSCRIPT, SEND IT TO BARNEY

AND HE'LL PUBLISH IT.

- NO, NO, THIS IS THE LAST

IN A LONG SERIES OF SCREW UPS.

THE COMPANY HAS GOTTEN TOO BIG.

REMEMBER LAST YEAR WHEN THEY STOPPED SENDING ME

MY ROYALTY CHECKS BECAUSE THEY SAID

THE RECORDS INDICATED THAT I WAS DEAD?

- WELL, THEY DID SEND A BEAUTIFUL WREATH.

- YEAH, "IN LOVING MEMORY OF DINK LOUDON."

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- ME? NOTHING.

BUT DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP IS GONNA PUBLISH HIS BOOK

WITH ANOTHER FIRM.

MAYBE BARNEY WILL WAKE UP.

C'MON, DWIGHT, I'LL TEACH YOU THE TRICKS OF THE WRITING GAME.

- GOSH, MR. LOUDON, THANKS.

( music playing )

- MAIL CALL FOR DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.

- YO.

- LOOK AT THIS.

THREE RESPONSES FROM PUBLISHERS.

- AH, FANTASTIC.

AND THE ANSWER IS,

"WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK."

- WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK.

- AND THE QUESTION IS,

"WHAT DOES IT NOT SAY IN THIS LETTER?"

- THEY REJECTED IT?

- HONEY, DON'T WORRY, THERE'S ALWAYS

ONE OR TWO PUBLISHERS OUT THERE

WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

AND THERE'S THE OTHER ONE.

- DICK, FORGET THOSE.

LISTEN TO THIS.

"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,

"WE AT ROY'S BOOKS ADMIRE YOUR WRITING.

"WE WOULD BE HONORED TO PLACE YOUR BOOK

"ON OUR LIST OF PUBLISHED WORKS."

- FINALLY, A COMPANY WITH TASTE.

"PLEASE REMIT $2,000

"AND BE THE FIRST ONE ON YOUR BLOCK

"TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON AN ACTUAL PUBLISHED BOOK."

Joanna: OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.

- HI, ALL. WHAT'S UP? TROUBS IN PARADISE?

- DICK'S HAD A BOOK REJECTED.

- WHAT WAS IT, DICK?

THREE OR FOUR TIMES?

- CLEAN YOUR SPECTACLES, FOLKS, THIS ISN'T ADDRESSED TO DICK.

IT'S ADDRESSED TO THIS POOR SCHLUB, SCHMIDLAPP.

MUST BE A REAL GOON TO HAVE A "HOW-TO" BOOK REJECTED.

( laughing )

- "SCHMIDLAPP" IS MY PEN NAME.

- REALLY?

HOW DID YOU GO ABOUT CHOOSING THAT NAME?

IT'S TOO LATE TO GET OUT OF THIS, ISN'T IT, DICK?

- YEAH.

- DICK, JUST SUBMIT THE BOOK WITH YOUR OWN NAME

AND IT'LL SELL IMMEDIATELY.

- IS THIS TRUE, DICK?

- OF COURSE IT IS.

- WHOA!

YOU HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING MOST AMERICANS ONLY DREAM OF.

- WHAT MASSIVE REJECTION?

- NO, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.

YOU CAN PUT YOUR NAME ON ANY PIECE OF CRUD,

( laughing ) AND IT'LL SELL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRIVE FOR QUALITY ANYMORE.

( laughing )

I ENVY YOU, COMPADRE, YOU CAN COAST.

- I'M NOT COASTING.

THIS BOOK IS AS GOOD AS ANYTHING I'VE EVER WRITTEN.

THERE'S WRITING IN HERE I WOULD STACK UP AGAINST

HEMINGWAY OR PROUST.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE NOT THIS SENTENCE.

ACTUALLY, PROUST MIGHT HAVE ME ON THE WHOLE PARAGRAPH.

HOW COULD I LET THIS GET BY?

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- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE THREE HOURS.

IS EVERYTHING-- - HONEY, HONEY,

WATCH OUT, YOU'RE STEPPING ON CHAPTER 5.

ACTUALLY, GO AHEAD.

- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I FOUND A COUPLE OF WEAK SPOTS IN THE BOOK.

- A COUPLE?

- YEAH, THE FIRST HALF.

AND THE SECOND HALF.

"USE HIGH-GRADE PANELING ONLY."

"ONLY USE HIGH-GRADE--"

NO.

"USE ONLY HIGH-GRADE PANELING."

GOD, THERE'S NO WAY TO SAY THIS.

- DICK, YOU'RE NOT TAKING THOSE REJECTIONS SERIOUSLY?

- HONEY, MICHAEL WAS RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN COASTING ON MY NAME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG.

I MEAN, FOUR RESPECTED PROFESSIONALS LOOK AT MY WORK

WITHOUT KNOWING IT'S MINE

AND THEY ALL COME TO THE SAME UNBIASED OPINION.

IT SUCKS SWAMP WATER.

- NOW, COME ON, DICK,

ONLY ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY USED THOSE WORDS.

- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, HONEY, I'M A WRITER.

THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED TO BE,

TO TAKE WORDS AND STRING THEM LIKE PEARLS

INTO A GIANT NECKLACE OF COMMUNICATION.

GOD I STINK AT THIS.

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- 8-BALL, KISS OFF THE 14.

- IT'S A ONE-IN-A-MILLION SHOT.

- TELL THAT TO THE 8-BALL.

- YOU WIN. AGAIN.

LOOKS LIKE I OWE YOU ANOTHER DRINK.

- DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, YOU ONLY MADE ONE MISTAKE.

YOU PLAYED ME.

- HEY, A WOMAN.

- THERE YOU ARE.

- HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

- YOU WERE FEELING DOWN IN THE DUMPS

SO I CHECKED ALL THE DUMPS.

- REAL LOOKER, HUH?

FIGURED SHE'D GO ON TO SCHMIDLAPP.

- SCHMIDLAPP?

- JOANNA, GIMME A BREAK.

IN THE PUBLISHING WORLD, SCHMIDLAPP IS DOG MEAT.

HERE, I'M KING OF ALL I SURVEY.

- IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING THE LAST FOUR DAYS,

SHOOTING POOL?

- THERE'S A LOT MORE TO DO THAN THAT.

I'VE BEEN HOISTING A FEW, EATING PICKLED EGGS,

SWAPPING STORIES--

- SO THIS MUST BE ROSALITA, HUH?

- SI.

- ROSALITA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PALS,

SNAKE AND WILD MEL.

- HERE YOU GO, DWIGHT, YOUR USUAL.

- BOY, CAN I USE THIS.

- AGHH!

- WHAT'S WITH THAT LIMEADE ANYWAY?

- MY DOCTOR SAID "GIVE UP THAT QUART OF TEQUILA EVERYDAY

"OR KISS YOUR LIVER GOODBYE."

- MAYBE I'LL TRY ONE OF THEM LIMEADES.

- DICK, I'VE READ YOUR BOOK AGAIN.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

- IT'S YOUR SHOT, DWIGHT.

- EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO FILL SOME POCKETS.

- AHH, A BEHIND-THE-BACK SHOT.

- HE KNOWS 100 WAYS TO HUMILIATE US.

- 101.

- WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY POOL LIKE THAT?

- BARCELONA.

AND YOU TAUGHT ME.

- WE HAVE TO TALK.

- NOT NOW, ROSALITA.

- DICK, TALK TO ME OR I TELL SNAKE AND WILD MEL

THAT YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF "MAKING MONEY RAISING BUNNIES."

- HEY, WILD MAN,

FILL IN FOR ME.

- WOW.

DWIGHT'S LETTING YOU USE HIS CUE.

- DICK, WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU

THAT YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR TALENT?

- FOR "PANEL IT PERFECT" TO SELL WITHOUT THE NAME "DICK LOUDON"

AND WIN THE PULITZER PRIZE

AND BE MADE INTO A MOVIE STARRING MERYL STREEP.

LET'S FACE IT, HONEY, DWIGHT'S BEEN REJECTED

BY EVERYBODY IN THE BUSINESS.

- NOT EVERYBODY.

FOUR JUNIOR EDITORS,

AND WHO SAYS THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT?

DIDN'T A CRITIC SAY

"OKLAHOMA" WOULD ONLY RUN A WEEK?

DIDN'T A MOVIE TALENT SCOUT SAY ABOUT FRED ASTAIRE,

"BALD, CAN'T ACT, CAN DANCE A LITTLE"?

- WELL, YEAH.

AND DIDN'T A YOUNG WRITER NAMED "LOUDON"

GET REJECTED BY 14 PUBLISHERS BEFORE HE FINALLY BROKE IN?

- YEAH, BUT I WAS DIFFERENT THEN.

I WAS YOUNG.

I WAS MORE AMBITIOUS.

I WAS NAMED DICK.

- AND DICK WANTED TO WRITE

MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN HIS LIFE.

AND HE WASN'T A QUITTER.

BUT MAYBE DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP IS MADE OF DIFFERENT STUFF.

MAYBE HE ISN'T THE MAN DICK LOUDON IS.

- YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR NOW.

DWIGHT MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS BUT HE'S NOT A QUITTER.

AGHH.

- FELLAS, I'M GATHERING MOSS.

IT'S TIME TO ROLL.

NICE MEETING YOU.

- BUT DWIGHT, I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL GOING TO LATIN AMERICA

TO BE MERCENARIES?

- I'LL BE WITH YOU IN SPIRIT.

- IT'S NOT GONNA STOP A LOT OF BULLETS.

- LATER.

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� ALL WE NEED �

� IS A DARK COLD NIGHT �

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- HI.

- HOW'D IT GO IN NEW YORK?

- PRETTY GOOD. I FOUND SOME NEW RESTAURANTS

AND FINALLY GOT TO SEE "CATS."

- DICK, WHAT ABOUT THE BOOK?

- YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING

HOW PUBLISHING HOUSES REACT TO PERSISTENCE.

I THINK THE PHRASE I HEARD MOST OFTEN WAS

"SECURITY'S ON ITS WAY."

- OH, DICK, NOBODY BOUGHT IT?

- DON'T COUNT DWIGHT OUT YET.

DID ANY MAIL COME FOR HIM WHILE I WAS AWAY?

- THERE IS SOMETHING FROM STOCKBRIDGE & SONS.

- OH, TERRIFIC.

I KNEW THAT GAMBIT WOULD PAY OFF.

I SORT OF COZIED UP TO THE CLEANING LADY.

SHE PROMISED SHE'D GET MY MANUSCRIPT TO THE HEAD MAN.

"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,

"SORRY I NO GIVE BOOK TO MR. STOCKBRIDGE.

"I READ AND ME NO LIKE."

- THANK YOU. EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

GOODBYE.

- I HOPE YOU REALIZE I DID MY BEST

TO MAKE YOUR STAY AS PLEASANT AS POSSIBLE

AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU APPRECIATE ALL I'VE DONE.

- YOU WERE FINE.

- WELL, SURELY YOU CAN EXPRESS THAT ANOTHER WAY.

- YOU WERE GREAT.

- AM I GETTING A TIP OR WHAT?

- OH WELL, LET'S SEE, TWO WEEKS, THREE PEOPLE, WHAT THE HECK.

- MR. VAN CLEVE,

DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP THIS WHOLE DOLLAR FOR MYSELF

OR DISTRIBUTE IT AMONG ALL THE HELP?

- NO, NO, THAT'S FOR EVERYONE.

- WOW.

THIS IS MORE THAN I DESERVE.

I'LL GO OUTSIDE

AND SEE IF YOU HAVE AIR IN YOUR TIRES.

- STEPHANIE.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

- I'LL GET YOUR BILL.

- OH, DON'T BOTHER.

I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF ADDING UP THE FIGURES MYSELF.

- $98 FOR 14 DAYS?

IT SHOULD BE OVER $600.

- TRUE, BUT WE WERE ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM

ONLY A FEW HOURS A DAY.

- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WELL, AS LONG AS I'M QUITTING WRITING,

I TOOK SOME MEASUREMENTS IN THERE

AND THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM FOR A JUKEBOX,

A POOL TABLE AND SOME LOW LIFES.

- DICK, YOU CAN'T QUIT WRITING.

- OH, ARE YOU A WRITER?

- NOT REALLY. YOU CAN'T BE A WRITER

IF YOU CAN'T GET PUBLISHED.

- WE KNOW A PUBLISHER.

- YOU DO?

- YEAH, HE'S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW JAKE'S BEST FRIEND.

HERE'S WHERE HE WORKS.

JUST BE SURE TO TELL HIM JAKE SENT YOU.

- GOOD OLD JAKE.

- HUH, DON'T KID YOURSELF.

HE'S A TIGHTWAD.

- NOW IF WE CAN JUST SETTLE THIS BILL.

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- THE VAN CLEVES DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR THE TIME

THEY WEREN'T IN THE ROOM.

- WE FIGURE WE OWE YOU $98.

- YOU GOT IT.

- WHAT?

- OH, WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, LITTLE BRIAN ONLY ATE HALF HIS BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

- YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A POINT.

LET'S SEE, $98 MINUS HALF A BOWL OF OATMEAL, $23.50?

I BET YOU DIDN'T USE ALL YOUR TOWELS.

HA, HA, HA.

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- HAVE A SEAT, MR. SCHMIDLAPP.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GOLF DAY

BUT SINCE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF JAKE'S, SAY, CIGAR?

- NO, NO, THANKS.

- YOU'RE SURE? THEY'RE CUBAN.

A COURIER OF OURS SNEAKS THEM IN FROM EUROPE EVERY OTHER WEEK.

CUSTOMS NEVER CHECKS HIM.

- GEE, THAT'S LUCKY.

I ONCE BROUGHT FRUIT IN FROM CANADA.

BOY, DID I CATCH HELL.

( laughing )

- ANYWAY, THE REASON I--

- WELL, TELL ME, HOW IS JAKE?

- JAKE? WELL, YOU KNOW JAKE.

( laughing )

- IS HE BACK IN THE COUNTRY?

- YES.

- FANTASTIC. LET'S CALL HIM.

- OH, YOU MEAN, THIS COUNTRY?

- YEAH.

- UH, NO, NO, HE'S STILL OVER THERE.

- AH,

HOW'S LITTLE MOLLY DOING?

- HA, HA, OH, SHE'LL TALK YOUR EAR OFF

IF YOU LET HER, YOU KNOW.

( LAUGHING )

- THAT'S INTERESTING.

MOLLY'S HIS DOG.

- WELL, TALK, BARK, YOU KNOW,

WE ALL COME FROM THE SAME GUY UPSTAIRS.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHO ARE YOU?

- LOOK, I'M GONNA BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.

I'M DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.

JAKE'S BROTHER-IN-LAW GAVE ME YOUR NAME.

I HAVE THIS MANUSCRIPT.

- OH, NO. NO, NO.

YOU DON'T LIE YOUR WAY IN HERE

AND EXPECT TO GET ANY ATTENTION FROM ME.

JUST SUBMIT THAT THROUGH CHANNELS.

- BUT I'VE BEEN THROUGH CHANNELS.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN REJECTED BY JUNIOR EDITORS

BECAUSE THEY NEVER HEARD OF ME.

I'VE EVEN BEEN REJECTED BY A CLEANING LADY

BECAUSE SHE READ BUT SHE NO LIKE.

- LOOK, I REALLY WANT TO GET TO MY GOLF GAME.

- HOW DOES A KID GET A BREAK IN THIS BUSINESS?

- KID?

LOOK, SON,

EVERYBODY THINKS HE'S A WRITER.

- BUT I AM.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?

- NO, I REALLY AM A WRITER.

READ THIS.

YOU'D BE HARD PUT TO TELL ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS

AND, SAY, THE WORK OF DICK LOUDON.

- DICK LOUDON?

( chuckling ) NOT EXACTLY SHOOTING FOR THE MOON, ARE YOU?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DICK LOUDON?

- OH, NOTHING, I GUESS HE'S ONE OF THE BEST

"HOW-TO" WRITERS AROUND.

I JUST DON'T HAPPEN TO CARE FOR THOSE CUTSIE-POOH JOKES

HE THROWS IN.

YOU KNOW, "YOUR FANTASY BATHROOM

"DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PIPE DREAM."

( laughing )

( clearing throat )

- SORRY, KID.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT MANUSCRIPT, SOMEPLACE ELSE.

- CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?

- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

- HELLO, US CUSTOM SERVICE?

YES, COULD I SPEAK TO YOUR CUBAN CIGAR GUY, PLEASE?

YEAH, I'LL HOLD.

- YOU WOULDN'T?

- ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS READ IT.

- WELL, I WON'T.

- YOU SAY YOU SMUGGLE TWO CASES OF THESE A MONTH, RIGHT?

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL READ IT.

- OH, CUBAN CIGAR GUY,

YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO SAY

THAT YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB,

I HAVEN'T SEEN A CUBAN CIGAR IN YEARS.

- "YOU DON'T NEED A PANEL OF EXPERTS TO PANEL EXPERTLY."

( laughing )

( music playing )

- OKAY, STEPH, THE VAN CLEVES WERE HERE 14 DAYS.

THEY SHOULD HAVE TIPPED YOU $2 A DAY.

THEY LEFT YOU $1,

OUT OF WHICH WE HAD TO GIVE 50 CENTS TO GEORGE.

- YES, MICHAEL.

- SO IF I WANT TO WIPE THAT POUT OF YOUR FACE

THAT MEANS

I OWE YOU $27.50.

- IF YOU WANT.

- I JUST HEARD DICK'S CAR.

- BOY, I SURE HOPE HE FOUND A PUBLISHER.

- I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK, HOW DID IT GO?

- WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY, JOANNA.

ME SELL BOOK.

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!