Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( music playing )

- DICK, DO ME A FAVOR.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- SMELL ME.

- MICHAEL, OF ALL THE THINGS I WANTED TO DO TODAY,

THAT WAS THIRD.

- PLEASE, DICK, BEFORE STEPH COMES DOWN.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I'M SMELLING MICHAEL. WHY?

- I TOOK A GOOD LONG LOOK AT MY LIFE RECENTLY

AND I FOUND THERE WAS NO DANGER, NO RISK,

SO DICK, JOANNA, I'VE SWITCHED COLOGNES.

- AND WITHOUT A NET TOO.

- MAKE LIGHT IF YOU WANT BUT IF STEPH DOESN'T LIKE THIS,

I'LL BE YESTERDAY'S MOO CHOW CHOW.

- HI, EVERYBODY.

BOY, DO I HAVE EXCITING NEWS.

- WHOA, WORD TRAVELS FAST.

- ZEBEDIAH UTLEY IS FINALLY GETTING HIS DUE.

- ZEBEDIAH UTLEY?

YOU MEAN YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT...

GREAT-GRANDFATHER, ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF THE TOWN?

- THAT'S ZEBEDIAH.

THE TOWN COUNCIL HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO HONOR HIM

AND, AS THE ONLY SURVIVING UTLEY,

THEY CHOSE ME TO DEDICATE THE BRONZE BUST

THEY HAD MADE OF HIM.

- WELL, KUDOS, GEORGE.

I DIDN'T KNOW A RELATIVE OF YOURS HELPED FOUND THE TOWN.

- OH, YEAH. HE WAS A MEMBER OF AN INTREPID BAND OF EXPLORERS

THAT SET OUT FROM BOSTON

IN SEARCH OF AN OVERLAND ROUTE TO CHINA.

- CHINA?

- I SAID THEY WERE INTREPID, DICK, NOT SMART.

- SO I GUESS THIS IS AS FAR AS THEY GOT?

- NO, THIS IS WHERE ZEB CHICKENED OUT

AND REFUSED TO GO ON.

- WELL, STILL, IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,

WE MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE A TOWN.

- THAT'S TRUE.

I GUESS IT'S A GOOD THING THE OTHERS COULDN'T COAX HIM

OUT OF THAT TREE.

- HI, MICHAEL.

- HERE SHE COMES. CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME.

- I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

- SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.

WHAT IS IT?

- STEPH, I'VE SWITCHED COLOGNES.

- WITHOUT CONSULTING ME?

MICHAEL, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

- I THINK SHE LIKES IT.

- PHEW.

( music playing )

- GEORGE, WE COME BEARING GREAT NEWS.

- IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

- IF IT'S ABOUT MICHAEL'S NEW SMELL,

I ALREADY HEARD.

- RESEARCH ON ZEBEDIAH UTLEY

TODAY TURNED UP ANOTHER LIVING UTLEY.

- WHAT?

- DICK, AS MAYOR, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET TO TELL HIM.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW CAN THERE BE ANOTHER UTLEY?

- WELL, YEARS AGO, A GREAT-UNCLE OF YOURS

MOVED TO MILWAUKEE

AND YOU HAVE A DISTANT COUSIN, GEORGE.

- DICK, IF YOU WANTED TO BE MAYOR,

YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN.

- I'M SORRY, YOU TELL HIM THE REST.

- WHAT'S LEFT?

- WELL, THAT YOU GOT IN TOUCH WITH HIM

AND INVITED HIM TO THE CEREMONY.

- THANKS A LOT, DICK.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, DICK.

A MINUTE AGO I WAS ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD

AND NOW I'M NOT; WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- EUGENE.

- DICK, I JUST REMEMBERED ONE THING YOU FORGET TO SPILL.

GEORGE'S COUSIN'S NAME.

- IT'S EUGENE.

- I'VE GOT A RELATIVE, DICK.

JUST THINK.

I'LL FINALLY HAVE A PICTURE OF SOMEONE TO PUT IN THIS.

- I ALWAYS WONDERED, GEORGE, WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

- THEY CAME WITH THE FRAME.

THAT'S UNCLE WALT, THE HIGHLY DECORATED WAR HERO.

THAT'S AUNT DORIS, THE NOBEL PRIZE WINNER.

- YOU HAVE MAKE-BELIEVE RELATIVES?

- YOU GET WEIRD WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD.

- WHAT'S THE STORY WITH THE BOY?

- WE DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT COUSIN PETE, DICK.

HE'S BEEN SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO HIS PARENTS.

( music playing )

- EUGENE'S ROOM IS READY AND WAITING, GEORGE.

- THANKS, JOANNA.

I HOPE YOU REMEMBERED TO SCATTER

A BUNCH OF THOSE LITTLE SOAPS AROUND.

IF HE'S AN UTLEY, HE'LL PROBABLY WANT TO WASH WHILE HE'S HERE.

- THOSE UTLEYS, ONE SURPRISE AFTER ANOTHER.

- HI, ALL.

STEPH, YOUR SWEET-SMELLING GUY IS HERE.

- OOH!

- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO WORK LATE TONIGHT?

- WELL, STEPH MADE ME GET OUT OF IT.

EVER SINCE I SWITCHED COLOGNES,

THE WOMAN CAN'T KEEP HER HANDS OFF ME.

I THINK I MAY HAVE STUMBLED ON A LOVE POTION

NUMBER NI-I-I-I-INE.

- MICHAEL.

- GOOD GOD, STEPH, WAS THERE SOME SORT OF

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT DURING YOUR TOILETTE?

- NO, SILLY, I JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AND SMELL YOU.

OHH, ALAN.

- I MEAN, MICHAEL.

- ALAN?

- MICHAEL, ALAN, IT'S AN EASY MISTAKE, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. THEY PRACTICALLY RHYME.

- SEE?

NOW C'MON, I'LL LET YOU WATCH WHILE I COMB OUT MY HAIR.

MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU, STAY UPWIND.

- HI!

- I'M LOOKING FOR GEORGE UTLEY.

- GEORGE?

- COUSIN EUGENE.

OH, COUSIN!

- GEORGIE-POOOOOORGE!

( cackling )

- COUSIN EUGENE, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY BEST FRIENDS

IN ALL THE WORLD.

THIS IS DICK LOUDON.

- HI.

- AND HIS WIFE, JOANNA.

- HELLO.

- YAOW!

- DICK, JOANNA, THIS IS COUSIN EUGENE.

- SO, EUGENE, HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

- IT STUNK.

JUST BECAUSE I HAD A COACH TICKET,

THEY TRIED TO KICK ME OUT OF FIRST CLASS.

HA, BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN MY LINE OF WORK,

YOU LEARN NOT TO TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- WHAT IS IT YOU DO?

- I SELL ROMWHITE PRODUCTS, DICK.

- WHAT ARE ROMWHITE PRODUCTS?

- YOU NAME IT.

ANYTHING TO SATISFY YOUR HOUSEHOLD,

PERSONAL, EVEN A FEW OF YOUR BARNYARD NEEDS.

DICK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE HOW THIS LITTLE GIZMO

CAN GET RID OF NOSE HAIRS LIKE THAT?

- NO.

- I CAN'T TAKE THAT AS AN ANSWER, DICK.

SOONER OR LATER,

I'M GONNA GET YOU.

- GEORGIE-PORGE,

SO WHAT ARE YOU,

LIKE, A FARMER OR SOMETHING?

- NO, I'M THE HANDYMAN HERE AT THE STRATFORD,

JUST LIKE MY FATHER WAS BEFORE ME.

IT'S SORT OF A FAMILY TRADITION.

- SOUNDS MORE LIKE A NICE WAY OF SAYING,

"DAD GOT ME THE JOB." ( cackling )

- HA, HA, HA.

SAY, EUGENE, WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT

IF I GOT A PICTURE OF YOU?

- GREAT.

BUT LET ME GET ONE FIRST.

- OHH.

- TERRIFIC.

SAY, HAVE YOU GOT A BIKINI OR SOMETHING?

- I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH PHOTOS FOR A WHILE.

- JUST AS WELL.

OOH, OOH, OOH, HOT CAMERA, HOT CAMERA.

( cackling )

- GEORGE, MAYBE THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME

TO SHOW EUGENE TO HIS ROOM.

- GREAT.

AND BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND TO LET ME STAY HERE,

I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

THESE.

( cackling )

- HA, HA, HA, HA.

- IS MURDER A CAPITAL OFFENSE IN VERMONT?

- IT'S WORTH CHECKING INTO.

- STEPH, I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THIS ALAN IS.

- THAT NAME JUST SLIPPED OUT.

- TWELVE TIMES?

NOW, WHO IS IT?

- NOBODY.

JUST A GUY WHO USED TO SMELL LIKE YOU.

- A GUY.

SOMEONE YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH?

- OF COURSE NOT.

IT WAS MORE OF AN UNCONTROLLABLE PASSION,

SORT OF A THING.

( music playing )

- STEPHANIE, WHERE ARE ALL THE GUESTS?

- MOST OF THEM CHECKED OUT.

- WHY?

- MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE AN OBNOXIOUS SALESMAN

WAS BANGING ON THEIR DOORS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

SAYING SOONER OR LATER HE WAS GONNA GET THEM.

THEN AGAIN, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE SHOCK

OF SEEING EUGENE STROLLING NAKED

TO THE SHOWER THIS MORNING.

I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO GROSS-OUT PAY.

- WE TOLD YOU, WE DON'T WANT ANY WART REMOVER.

- SURE YOU DO.

- WE DON'T HAVE ANY WARTS.

- BUT YOUR WIFE'S GOT THAT THING ON HER FACE.

- WELL, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE I WEAR THEM DOWN.

SO WHERE'S GEORGIE-PORGIE THIS MORNING?

- HE HASN'T COME DOWN YET.

- GOOD. I HAVE JUST THE THING TO WAKE HIM.

( siren sounds )

( cackling )

- THE ROMWHITE DISTRESS BLASTER.

IT COMES IN HANDY IN BAD NEIGHBORHOODS.

YOU WANT ONE? - THIS IS VERMONT.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY BAD--

( siren wailing )

- I'LL FIND ONE.

( siren wailing )

- GOOD. I'LL BILL YOU LATER.

RIGHT NOW, I GOT TO WAKE UP GEORGIE-PORGE.

( siren wailing )

- DICK, WE'RE LOSING CUSTOMERS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO GEORGE.

- HONEY, I CAN'T TELL GEORGE THAT HIS ONLY LIVING RELATIVE

IS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS HUMAN BEING WE'VE EVER MET.

( siren wailing ) George: AAGHHH!

- THEN HE MAY JUST STUMBLE ONTO IT.

- HOLA, HOST, HOSTESS, CUPCAKE.

- MICHAEL.

EUGH.

YOU SMELL LIKE YOU AGAIN.

- WELL, STEPH, I COULDN'T GO ON

KNOWING YOU WERE KISSING ME BUT SMELLING HIM.

NOW ARE WE STILL GOING TO THE DEDICATION CEREMONY

TONIGHT OR NOT?

- I GUESS.

PICK ME UP AT 8 OR SOMETHING.

- WHOA, THE THRILL HAS GONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO GET THAT HIGH-CLASS HONKER

BACK ON THE SET OF MICHAEL HARRIS.

- BOY, THAT EUGENE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE JUST DID?

- SNUCK UP, SCARED THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU

WITH A ROMWHITE BLASTER WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO SHAVE?

- BOY, HE'S QUITE A CHARACTER, ISN'T HE?

- YEAH, HE'S ONE-OF-A-KIND.

- LIKE NO ONE I'VE EVER MET.

- YEAH, HE'S A REAL...

INDIVIDUAL.

- I HATE HIM, DICK.

- YOU SHOULD, GEORGE. HE'S A FOOL.

- A NINCOMPOOP.

- AN OBNOXIOUS BALL OF SLIME.

- HEY, THAT'S MY COUSIN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, DICK.

- GEORGE, JUST BECAUSE HE'S FAMILY,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIKE HIM.

- OKAY.

HE'S AN OBNOXIOUS BALL OF SLIME.

- WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, GEORGE,

HE'LL BE LEAVING TOMORROW

AND THEN ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL BE OVER.

- BUT HE'S GOING TO THE DEDICATION TONIGHT.

EVERYBODY IN TOWN IS GONNA MEET HIM.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

IS MURDER A CAPITAL OFFENSE IN VERMONT?

- YEAH, BUT THEY HAVEN'T EXECUTED ANYONE SINCE 1954.

- DICK.

- WELL, HONEY, I ONLY CHECKED OUT OF, YOU KNOW, CURIOSITY.

( music playing )

- GEORGIE-POOOOORGE!

( cackling )

SO YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

- UH, YEAH.

LISTEN, EUGENE, YOU'RE MY ONLY LIVING RELATIVE

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY

BUT YOU ARE A PUSHY, OBNOXIOUS JERK.

- SAY, WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING AT?

I'VE BEEN ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR SINCE I GOT HERE.

- YOU HAVE? - WELL, SURE.

DIDN'T I TELL DICK THAT JUST BECAUSE HE WRITES "HOW-TO" BOOKS

INSTEAD OF NOVELS, IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A FAILURE?

- WELL, SURE, BUT-- - AND I BET

AN HOUR HASN'T GONE BY THAT I HAVEN'T COMPLIMENTED JOANNA

ON HOW STACKED SHE IS.

WHAT'S THE EMBARRASSING PART?

- I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO COME

TO THE DEDICATION CEREMONY TONIGHT.

- WHAT?

- AGAIN, NO OFFENSE,

BUT I'D PREFER NO ONE EVER KNOW WE'RE RELATED.

- OH.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, GEORGE.

I GUESS THERE'S NO POINT IN MY HANGING AROUND.

- TOO BAD.

ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE BEEN WISHING

THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD I WAS RELATED TO.

HITS ME WORST AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

YOU EVER SPENT THANKSGIVING ALONE, GEORGE?

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE HEARTACHE OF SAYING,

"PASS THE YAMS,"

AND THEY JUST SIT THERE.

MODELS, HUH?

AT LEAST, YOU GOT PEOPLE.

I GOT A BUNCH OF CATS PLAYING WITH YARN.

- WAIT.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO COME TO THE CEREMONY, YOU CAN.

- YOU MEAN IT?

- BUT ONCE WE GET THERE, DON'T TALK TO ANYONE.

DON'T LOOK AT ANY-- DON'T DO ANYTHING.

- IS THAT IT?

- YOU CAN HAVE THIS BACK AFTER THE CEREMONY.

- UM, UH--

( music playing )

- WAIT HERE, STEPH. I'LL FIND A SEAT.

- FINE.

I MAY STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

- OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW,

CANDICE BERGEN AT OUR TOWN MEETING.

HEY, CANDY.

- MY MISTAKE, IT'S JUST OLD MRS. TROGDON.

( sniffing )

- KEEP A SHARP EYE, DARRYL, THERE'S A SISSY IN THE VICINITY.

- NO, REALLY, I'M NOT KIDDING, JOANNA.

- ONCE AGAIN, EUGENE, THANK YOU.

AND SPEAKING OF BUSTS,

THAT MUST BE ZEBEDIAH.

- OKAY, WHAT HAPPENS FROM THIS POINT ON?

- IT'S SO LIFELIKE.

- YEAH, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE FEAR IN HIS EYES.

- YOU MUST BE GEORGE'S COUSIN, EUGENE.

I'M MAYOR WANAMAKER.

- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

SAY, IS THAT A PIECE?

- C'MON, WHAT?

- OOH, MICHAEL, YOU'RE WEARING THAT COLOGNE AGAIN.

- NOT ME, STEPH.

EAU DE ALAN HAS BEEN BANISHED FROM THIS NAPE.

- WELL, SOMEONE'S WEARING IT.

Mayor: GOOD EVENING.

WE'RE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO HONOR THE FOUNDER OF OUR TOWN,

ZEBEDIAH UTLEY.

- HEY-OOOOOH!

( applause )

- IN THE PAST, ZEB'S NAME WAS MUCH MALIGNED.

HE WAS CALLED "CHICKEN LIVER," "GUTLESS UTLEY"--

- "TREE FROG."

- THAT TOO.

BUT TODAY, WE'RE GONNA REMEDY THAT.

HERE TO DEDICATE THIS BEAUTIFUL BRONZE BUST

IS ZEBEDIAH'S GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- GREAT-GRANDSON, GEORGE UTLEY.

( applause )

- EUGH, EUGH, EUGH, EUGH!

- GEE, STEPHANIE, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET.

- SORRY, GEORGE, IT'S JUST A LITTLE AVERSION THERAPY.

FROM NOW ON, STEPH WILL ACQUAINT EAU DE ALAN

WITH EAU DE EUGH, EUGH, EUGH.

- ( sniffing )

OH, MY GOODNESS,

NO WONDER MISS STEPHANIE RAN SCREAMING FROM THE ROOM.

I HAVE SEEN THE SISSY AND HE IS US.

DARRYL, MAKE A NOTE,

AS SOON AS THE RIVER THAWS, IT'S BATH TIME.

- HI. I'M GEORGE UTLEY.

I NEVER KNEW MY

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT- GREAT-GRANDFATHER

BUT I'M SURE HE WAS A GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT GUY.

SO IN HIS HONOR, I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS BUST.

SO I DO.

( applause )

- WELL, I GUESS THAT CONCLUDES THE CEREMONY.

- HEY, THAT'S IT?

I SNEEZED AND MISSED IT.

- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO UP HERE? JUGGLE?

- WELL, WHY NOT LET GEORGE'S COUSIN, EUGENE, SPEAK?

HE'S AN UTLEY TOO.

- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

( applause ) crowd: YEAH. C'MON, EUGENE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

REALLY, REALLY.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T.

( applause )

- WHAT THE HELL.

I CAN'T SAY WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS FOR ME TO BE HERE.

BECAUSE IT ISN'T.

( cackling )

BUT SERIOUSLY, NOT ONLY IS IT A CHANCE FOR ME

TO HONOR AN ANCESTOR AND A GREAT MAN,

IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME

TO MEET THE FINE PEOPLE OF THE TOWN THAT HE FOUNDED.

( applause )

- AND WHEN I LOOK OUT AND SEE YOUR FACES,

SO FULL OF HOPE AND INTEGRITY,

I CAN'T HELP SAYING,

"THANKS, ZEB, FOR A JOB WELL DONE."

( applause )

- AND I WONDER WHAT ZEB WOULD SAY

IF HE COULD BE HERE TODAY. I THINK I KNOW.

I THINK HE'D SAY, "I'M PROUD.

I'M HONORED, AND MAKE MINE A ROMWHITE PRODUCT."

YES, ROMWHITE SPOT SNUFFER IS PERFECT FOR REMOVING STAINS

FROM METAL, FABRICS AND, YES,

EVEN BUSTS OF MINOR FOLK HEROES.

- NOW HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

- GENE, NO ONE NEEDS A SPOT REMOVER.

- AW, WHAT ABOUT HIM?

I MEAN, IS THIS A TIE OR IS IT A NAPKIN

HE FORGET TO TAKE OFF?

- YOU'RE MANHANDLING A MAYOR.

Eugene: YEAH. - WHAT IS THIS?

- YOU!

YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY WITH SOME SERIOUS SWEAT STAINS

UNDER THAT JACKET.

- OH, TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.

I MEAN, LOOK WHAT THAT SPOT REMOVER DID FOR THIS STATUE.

OH, UH, GEE, OH, THIS IS DRAIN CLEANER.

BUT IMAGINE, IF THAT HAD BEEN A GREASY CLOG.

NOW, DON'T CROWD, DON'T CROWD, THERE'S ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.

- HEY, HOLD IT! NOBODY'S TOUCHING MY COUSIN.

- WE JUST WANT TO DO TO HIM WHAT HE DID TO THAT STATUE.

- NO. ANYONE WHO WANTS HIM

IS GONNA HAVE TO COME THROUGH ME FIRST.

IT'S ALL OVER.

EVERYBODY, JUST GO HOME.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH.

TOUGH ROOM.

THANKS.

- WELL, WHEN YOU COME RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

WE ARE COUSINS

SO I FIGURE I SHOULD GET FIRST CRACK AT YOU.

- AAGHH!

- BOY, COMING FROM A RELATIVE, THAT REALLY HURTS.

BUT IT DOESN'T STAIN.

BECAUSE I'M WEARING A ROMWHITE WONDER SUIT.

HA, HA. LOOK AT THAT PUNCH BEAT UP.

THAT'S BECAUSE THIS SUIT IS MADE OF 100% UNNATURAL FIBERS

AND ONE JUST LIKE IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONLY $59.95.

GO AHEAD, GEORGE, PULL AND TUG ALL YOU LIKE

BECAUSE THE ROMWHITE WONDER SUIT WILL NOT WRINKLE.

( music playing )

( knocking on door )

- COME IN.

- HI, GEORGE.

WE FOUND THIS.

I HOPE IT'S THE SORT OF THING YOU WANTED.

- OH, GEE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING YOU HERE.

- GEORGE, WE ARE HERE.

- WELL, I GUESS THE REAL TEST WILL BE AFTER YOU LEAVE.

ANYWAY--

- OH, GEORGE, WE'RE VERY TOUCHED.

- WELL, YOU FOLKS ARE MORE MY FAMILY THAN MY FAMILY.

SORRY EUGENE WAS SUCH A NUISANCE.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, GEORGE, I'M SURE WE ALL LEARNED

SOMETHING FROM THE EXPERIENCE.

YAOW! ( cackling )

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!