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1
00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:04,036
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,423
- JOANNA,
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
3
00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:00,292
AND GUESS WHO SOLD
ONE OF HIS BOOKS
4
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:01,726
TO A MAJOR VIDEO COMPANY
5
00:01:01,761 --> 00:01:04,496
TO BE THE FIRST IN THEIR SERIES
OF "HOW-TO" CASSETTES
6
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,431
STARRING WHAT LOCAL
TELEVISION PERSONALITY
7
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:11,870
WHO ALSO JUST HAPPENS TO BE
THE AUTHOR OF THAT BOOK?
8
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,704
- GEE, DICK, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE HER MORE
9
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:14,940
TO GO ON THAN THAT.
10
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,243
- THEY WANT YOU TO MAKE
A "HOW-TO" VIDEO?
11
00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:19,744
HONEY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
12
00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:23,114
- BOY, YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER
SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
13
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,750
- NO, I MEAN, THIS IS GREAT.
14
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,853
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CHANCE TO
STRETCH MY CREATIVE MUSCLES
15
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,823
AND ENTER A NEW LEVEL
OF ARTISTRY.
16
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:32,857
- WHICH BOOK ARE THEY DOING?
17
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,459
- "SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
18
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:37,762
YEAH, THEY'RE GONNA SHOOT
A TEST SCENE
19
00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:40,098
NEXT WEEK AT THE WPIV.
20
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,366
- THEY'RE COMING TO VERMONT
TO SHOOT?
21
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:42,867
- YEAH, WELL, THEY FEEL,
YOU KNOW,
22
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:46,270
IF I'M IN A SITUATION
WHERE I FEEL COMFORTABLE
23
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:50,441
AND WITH PEOPLE I KNOW
THAT IT'LL BE ARTISTICALLY...
24
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,576
CHEAP.
25
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:56,381
- HI, I'M LARRY.
26
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,086
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
27
00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:02,887
AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER
DARRYL.
28
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,424
WE WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
A GRAND OPENING.
29
00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:08,793
- OF WHAT?
30
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:10,595
- OF OUR NEW ESCORT SERVICE.
31
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:14,966
WE ALMOST CALLED IT
32
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,369
THE "ANYTHING FOR A BUCK
ESCORT SERVICE"
33
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,072
BUT DARRYL THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO
TRY SOMETHING MORE ROMANTIC.
34
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,576
- "THE ACME ESCORT SERVICE."
35
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,980
- HOW DID YOU GUYS
COME UP WITH THIS IDEA?
36
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:31,783
- WELL, WE WAS WONDERING
HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY
37
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:35,553
TO BUY INTO
A TIMESHARE CONDO NEAR EPCOT
38
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,221
WHEN DARRYL REALIZED
39
00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:39,957
WHAT A VALUABLE COMMODITY
WE ARE IN OURSELVES.
40
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:44,628
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT UP THERE
WITH PORK BELLIES.
41
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,865
- THANK YOU.
42
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,835
DARRYL, TACK ONE OF THEM
LITTLE EYE-CATCHERS RIGHT THERE.
43
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:54,205
- NO!
44
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,775
YOU SEE, LARRY, WE HAVE
THIS PILE OF BROCHURES
45
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,811
AND WHEN SINGLE WOMEN
ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO,
46
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:04,148
ODDLY ENOUGH, THE FIRST PLACE
THEY TEND TO LOOK IS RIGHT HERE.
47
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,783
- NEAR THE BOTTOM?
48
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,451
- GO FIGURE WOMEN.
49
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:08,753
( chuckling )
50
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:13,091
- WELL, WE'D BETTER GET BACK
BEFORE THEM CALLS
51
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:16,461
FROM AFFECTION-STARVED FEMALES
START FLOODING IN.
52
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:21,165
- LARRY, WHAT IF THERE ISN'T
EXACTLY A FLOOD?
53
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,001
- GET REAL.
54
00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:27,471
HERE WE ARE, THE PERFECT
COMBINATION OF LOOKS,
55
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:30,174
SOPHISTICATION
AND CONVERSATION.
56
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:41,318
- YOU KNOW, THOSE THREE KNOW
EACH OTHER SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
57
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:43,521
( music playing )
58
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,490
- HEY, CREW,
THIS IS JERRY NURCO,
59
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,460
THE HEAD FRIJOLE
OF THE HOW-TO VIDEO.
60
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,797
JER, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR CRACKERJACK CREW.
61
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,499
THIS IS OUR PROP MAN, BUD.
62
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:58,169
- HEY, NOT SO FORMAL.
CALL ME BUD.
63
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,405
- OUR DIRECTOR, J.J.
64
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,740
- NICE TO MEET SOMEBODY
FROM THE BIG TIME.
65
00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:05,743
I'M GONNA DELIVER YOU SOME
FIRST-CLASS WHACKETA-WHACKETA.
66
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:06,678
- BINGETA-BUNGETA.
67
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:07,679
- BOOM!
68
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,914
( laughing )
69
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,449
- WHOA, WAVELENGTH.
70
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:13,918
AND HERE'S OUR STAR.
71
00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:16,621
DICK, READY TO MAKE VIDEO
VA-VA-VAVOOM?
72
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:19,424
- MICHAEL, I'M ONLY GONNA
CHANGE A WA-WA-WASHER.
73
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,560
IT'S A SIMPLE
30-SECOND TEST TAPE.
74
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:23,561
- BUT DICK--
75
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:24,729
- CHANGE A WASHER.
76
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,431
SIMPLE, ELOQUENT, I LOVE IT.
77
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,902
- THANKS, IT WAS MY IDEA.
78
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,171
- PLACES, EVERYONE.
79
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,540
- J.J., IT'S ONLY ME.
80
00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:36,674
- FINE.
81
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,943
PLACE, DICK.
82
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,082
- ACTION.
83
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,084
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
84
00:04:47,119 --> 00:04:48,419
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
85
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,288
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S PRICES,
WHO DOESN'T?
86
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,391
( laughing )
87
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,929
- ALL YOU NEED
TO BE YOUR OWN PLUMBER
88
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,664
IS A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
AND THE RIGHT TOOLS.
89
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,235
WHERE ARE MY TOOLS?
90
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:12,177
- IS THIS WHAT
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, DICK?
91
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,180
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
92
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,482
- I'M YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
93
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,153
- THIS ISN'T A MAGIC ACT.
94
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:24,355
I DON'T NEED
A BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
95
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,290
- BUT, DICK--
96
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,859
- YOU KNOW, THIS MAY BE
GOING A BIT TOO FAR.
97
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,361
- MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.
BAD IDEA, STEPH.
98
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:31,395
- MICHAEL!
99
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:36,667
- LISTEN, PUPPY KNEES,
I THINK IT'S TIME
100
00:05:36,702 --> 00:05:39,404
FOR ONE OF THOSE COMPROMISES
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT.
101
00:05:40,706 --> 00:05:44,675
- OKAY. HOW ABOUT
YOU GET YOUR WAY NOW
102
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:47,478
AND I GET MY WAY
ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE
103
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,879
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?
104
00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:51,849
- SOUNDS FAIR.
105
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,552
- AND TAKE LIBERACE'S TOOLBOX
WITH YOU.
106
00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:59,791
- FINE, DICK.
107
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:00,925
WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
108
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF
SOME OTHER ANNOYING INNOVATIONS
109
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,062
LIKE COLOR, SOUND?
110
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,599
- READY?
111
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:10,101
- ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
112
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,269
TO DICK LOUDON'S
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
113
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,239
AND OF COURSE,
AT TODAY'S PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
114
00:06:15,274 --> 00:06:16,607
( laughing )
115
00:06:16,642 --> 00:06:19,644
( music playing )
116
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,448
- WHAT'S THAT?
117
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:26,951
- A VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER
SO I CAN VIEW ALL THE CASSETTES
118
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,018
I'M GOING TO BE MAKING.
119
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,954
- DICK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
GET ONE OF THOSE FOR ME
120
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:31,489
WHEN "GONE WITH THE WIND"
CAME OUT.
121
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,091
- I WASN'T IN
"GONE WITH THE WIND."
122
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:37,962
- WELL, I THINK
IT'S JUST AN EXPENSIVE TOY.
123
00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:40,698
- FRANKLY, MY DEAR,
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
124
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,602
- HAH!
125
00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:47,338
- EXCUSE ME,
CAN YOU RECOMMEND SOMETHING
126
00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:48,573
FOR ME TO DO THIS EVENING?
127
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,775
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK
THROUGH THIS PILE OF BROCHURES,
128
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:51,809
MISS PARKMAN?
129
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,212
- OH, AN ESCORT SERVICE.
130
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,648
- FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T!
131
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,454
THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.
132
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:05,957
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
133
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:08,726
- THAT COULD TAKE
AN EVENING IN ITSELF.
134
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:11,562
MISS PARKMAN, WHY DON'T YOU
GO TO THE SPINNAKER?
135
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,064
THEY HAVE WONDERFUL SEAFOOD.
136
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,733
- WELL, I DO LOVE SEAFOOD
137
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:19,403
BUT I'M THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO LIKES TO TRY NEW THINGS.
138
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:20,938
- THEN RENT A DUCK SUIT.
139
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:25,610
JUST DON'T DO THIS.
140
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,681
- RENT A DUCK SUIT?
141
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,918
- WELL, THERE'S NO POINT
IN BUYING ONE.
142
00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:40,624
- HEY, DICK.
143
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,694
- OH, HI, JER, WHAT'S THE WORD
FROM NEW YORK?
144
00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,196
- EVERYTHING'S GREAT,
JUST GREAT.
145
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:46,864
EXCEPT FOR ONE TINY GLITCH.
146
00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:48,899
- DON'T TELL ME,
THE SCRIPT'S A LITTLE FLAT.
147
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,234
I'VE BEEN PUNCHING IT UP.
148
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:51,235
- THEY LOVED THE SCRIPT.
149
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,603
- OH!
- THEY HATED YOU.
150
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:55,305
- WHAT?
151
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,241
- NO, MAYBE HATE'S
TOO STRONG A WORD.
152
00:07:57,276 --> 00:08:00,177
THEY DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE
QUITE RIGHT FOR THE PART.
153
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,512
- OF DICK LOUDON?
154
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,515
- RIGHT.
WE'RE RECASTING.
155
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,685
( music playing )
156
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:12,489
- HOW CAN I NOT BE RIGHT
FOR THE PART OF MYSELF?
157
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:15,993
- DICK, PERSONALLY, I THINK
YOU MAKE A DAMN FINE YOU.
158
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:19,630
BUT THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT
TESTED YOUR PLUMBING DEMO
159
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,766
AND THEY CAME UP WITH
A FEW NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
160
00:08:23,502 --> 00:08:24,501
- LIKE WHAT?
161
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:30,108
- NOW, FIRST,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
162
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,176
THAT THESE ARE NOT NECESSARILY
BAD QUALITIES.
163
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,846
THEY JUST DON'T FIT IN
WITH THE HOME OFFICE'S THINKING.
164
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:37,715
FOR INSTANCE, YOU'RE BORING.
165
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,818
THEY'RE JUST NOT
LOOKING FOR THAT.
166
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,253
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
167
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:46,323
- AND THEN THERE'S
THAT DARN STAMMER OF YOURS.
168
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,825
MAKES YOU SOUND
UNSURE OF YOURSELF.
169
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:52,830
- WELL, HOW-- HOW-- HOW CAN--
HOW CAN THEY-- HOW CAN--
170
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,332
HOW CAN THEY SAY THAT?
171
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,134
- AND PEOPLE
DON'T SEEM TO TRUST YOU.
172
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,802
NOW RESEARCH FEELS
IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
173
00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,138
WITH YOUR SHIFTY EYES.
174
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,240
I'M OVER HERE, DICK.
175
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,845
PLUS YOU DON'T SEEM TO HIT
OUR TARGET AUDIENCE,
176
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,615
THE 20 TO 30 YEAR-OLD
WORKING MALE.
177
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,083
- WHO DO I HIT?
178
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:15,019
- 55 TO 70 YEAR-OLD WOMEN.
179
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,388
THEY LOVE YOU. THEY WANT TO HAVE
YOUR CHILDREN.
180
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,591
TROUBLE IS, THEY DON'T FIX
THEIR OWN PLUMBING.
181
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,092
- WELL, IF I'M NOT
DOING THIS VIDEO,
182
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,760
NOBODY IS 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU USE THE BOOK.
183
00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:27,231
- TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT
YOUR BOOK ANYMORE, DICK.
184
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:30,401
YOU WANT TO READ THAT?
185
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,103
- "THE AUTHOR RELINQUISHES
ALL RIGHTS TO THIS BOOK
186
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:38,108
IN PERPETUITY IN THIS MEDIUM
OR ANY OTHER INVENTED
187
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:41,946
THROUGH TIME
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE."
188
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:46,717
- WE LIKE TO TIE UP
THOSE LITTLE LOOPHOLES.
189
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,252
- HI, JER.
HI, DICK.
190
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,754
Dick: I'M NOT DICK ANYMORE.THEY'RE RECASTING.
191
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,390
- WHAT?
192
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,593
- THEY-- THEY SAY
I'M A-- A STAMMERING,
193
00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:58,729
SHIFT--SHIFTY-EYED BORE.
194
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,898
- OH, REALLY?
195
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,734
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MR. BIG SHOT,
196
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,902
YOU CAN JUST GO BACK
TO YOUR FANCY NEW YORK STUDIO
197
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,437
AND USE ALL THE HIGH TECHNOLOGY
YOU CAN FIND.
198
00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:09,774
THAT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE
THIS PROJECT WORK.
199
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:13,944
YOU HAVE NOTHING IF YOU DON'T
HAVE THIS MAN, RIGHT HERE.
200
00:10:13,979 --> 00:10:15,112
- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
201
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:17,281
- MICHAEL, WE'RE STILL
PLANNING TO SHOOT AT WPIV.
202
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:19,483
- OH, WELL, LET'S BRAINSTORM
ON REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK.
203
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:21,652
- MICHAEL!
204
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:24,689
- DICK! DICK, CALM DOWN.
205
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,457
IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T WANT YOU
ON THE PROJECT.
206
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:28,192
WE JUST WANT YOU
BEHIND THE CAMERA
207
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,560
WHERE YOU CAN'T BORE PEOPLE.
208
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,730
- AND YOU EXPECT ME
TO HELP YOU?
209
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:36,734
WELL, FORGET IT IN PERPETUITY
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE.
210
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:39,437
- DICK, WE'RE GONNA
MAKE THIS VIDEO EITHER WAY.
211
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,105
YOU CAN ADVISE US AND SEE THAT
212
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,507
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
IS TRUE TO YOUR VISION
213
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:46,410
OR WE CAN LEAVE ALL THE CREATIVE
DECISIONS UP TO MICHAEL.
214
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,584
- WELL, LET'S MAKE A VIDEO
VA-VAVOOM.
215
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,335
( music playing )
216
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,871
- BUT HOW CAN THEY FIRE YOU
JUST BECAUSE
217
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:17,041
SOME STUPID RESEARCH SAYS
YOU HAVE SHIFTY EYES?
218
00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:18,142
- YEAH.
219
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:21,746
WHOO, THEY DO KEEP MOVING,
DON'T THEY?
220
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,717
BUT THEY'RE NOT SHIFTY.
221
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:27,652
- JOANNA, CAN I KNOCK OFF NOW?
222
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,721
THAT TABLE OVER THERE ORDERED
HEAVY CREAM AND I'M BUSHED.
223
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,558
- STEPHANIE, MISS PARKMAN
HASN'T COME DOWN YET.
224
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:35,993
YOU'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE TO SERVE HER.
225
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,161
- NO, I WON'T.
226
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,863
SHE NEVER CAME BACK
LAST NIGHT.
227
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,734
- YOU-- ARE YOU SURE?
228
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:48,205
- WELL, HER BED'S STILL MADE
AND HER BATHROOM'S UNUSED.
229
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,974
THAT'S WHAT I CALL A GUEST.
230
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,378
- DICK, JOANNA, MORNING.
231
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,846
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE MAN
232
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,014
WHO'S GONNA HOST YOUR VIDEO
233
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,883
AND MAKE IT
A NUMBER ONE SELLER.
234
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,818
ED MCKENDRICK,
DICK AND JOANNA LOUDON,
235
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:03,186
GEORGE UTLEY.
- HELLO.
236
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:04,254
- WHY DON'T YOU GRAB A SEAT?
I'VE GOT TO CALL
237
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,989
THE NEW YORK OFFICE,
CHECK FOR MESSAGES.
238
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:14,398
- MR. LOUDON, I KNOW
HOW HARD IT MUST BE FOR YOU
239
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:18,302
TO HAVE ME COMING IN LIKE THIS
AND INTERPRETING YOUR WORK.
240
00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:22,807
I KNOW HOW PERSONAL IT MUST BE
AND I FEEL FOR YOU.
241
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:24,341
- AHH.
242
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:29,246
- I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE
ADMIRED YOUR BOOKS FOR YEARS.
243
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:30,681
- YOU LUG, YOU.
244
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,286
- AND I COULD HAVE NEVER
FINISHED MY SECOND BATHROOM
245
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,387
WITHOUT YOU.
246
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,524
- I'M GLAD I WAS THERE.
247
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:42,927
- DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN,
MR. LOUDON?
248
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:46,697
- SURE. AND PLEASE,
CALL HIM DICK.
249
00:12:51,603 --> 00:12:54,805
- ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE
YOUR ENTHUSIASM,
250
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:58,242
YOUR EXCITEMENT,
YOUR ESSENCE
251
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,044
AND MAKE IT COME ACROSS
ON THE SCREEN.
252
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:02,079
- GEE, DICK,
CAN HE STAY FOR LUNCH?
253
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,217
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET AWAY FROM HIM!
254
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:08,252
- WHAT? WHAT?
255
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,654
- I DON'T WANT YOU PICKING UP
ANY OF HIS MANNERISMS.
256
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,591
LET ME LOOK AT YOUR EYES.
257
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,926
AH, THANK GOD.
258
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:23,267
- I HATE TO ADMIT IT
BUT ED IS KIND OF LIKEABLE.
259
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:26,804
- YEAH, I COULD LEARN PLUMBING
FROM HIM IN A MINUTE.
260
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,107
OF COURSE,
I ALREADY KNOW PLUMBING
261
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:33,243
SO I GUESS
I'M NOT THE ONE TO GO BY.
262
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,528
- OH, NO!
263
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,397
MISS PARKMAN,
YOU DIDN'T CALL?
264
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,666
- ACME ESCORT SERVICE,
265
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,302
SERVING THE COMMUNITY
FOR OVER 24 HOURS.
266
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:03,374
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
267
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,376
- I'M FINE.
268
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:09,045
- 'COURSE SHE IS.
WE HAVEN'T LOST ONE YET.
269
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,114
- MISS PARKMAN, WE THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE DINNER
270
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,850
AT THE SPINNAKER.
271
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:13,918
- WE BEGGED YOU.
272
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:18,022
- SHE DIDN'T NEED TO.
OUR FEE INCLUDES A MEAL.
273
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,691
- I'VE NEVER TRAPPED MY OWN
HORS D'OEUVRES BEFORE.
274
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,495
- WELL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
ALL THIS TIME?
275
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,265
- SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO SEE
SOME NIGHTLIFE
276
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,734
SO NATURALLY WE TOOK HER
RIGHT TO THE BAT CAVE.
277
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:33,738
- THE BAT CAVE?
278
00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,205
- THEY'RE REAL FRIENDLY.
279
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,473
IF YOU STAND PERFECTLY STILL,
280
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,175
THEY'LL COME AND LAND
RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR.
281
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:42,880
- HE'S RIGHT.
282
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:49,186
- AFTER THAT, WE PRETENDED
WE WAS LOST IN THE WOODS.
283
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,588
- YOU WERE PRETENDING?
284
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,859
- WELL, DARRYL SENSED YOU DIDN'T
WANT THE EVENING TO END.
285
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,295
DOES HE KNOW WOMEN OR WHAT?
286
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:05,469
- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU FOR--
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
287
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,304
- OH, WE'LL KEEP
A RUNNING TAB.
288
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,806
SO WHAT TIME WILL YOU BE
NEEDING OUR SERVICES TONIGHT?
289
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,609
- AH, THANK YOU,
THAT'S VERY SWEET
290
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:17,515
BUT I'M PLANNING TO SPEND TODAY
AND TONIGHT WASHING MY HAIR.
291
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:24,154
- OH. WELL, I HATE TO IMPRISON
A NOBLE SENTIMENT IN MERE WORDS
292
00:15:24,189 --> 00:15:25,522
BUT BYE.
293
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:38,469
- WELL, I HAVE
A LOT OF BATHING TO DO.
294
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,816
- J.J., DO YOU MIND
IF I DO MOST OF MY TALKING
295
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:53,817
INTO THIS CAMERA?
296
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:54,752
THIS IS MY GOOD SIDE.
297
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,154
- HEY, AT LEAST
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD SIDE.
298
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,588
- HI, DICK, HA-HA.
299
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,625
- WHAT'S THIS, GUYS?
NO SPANGLED TOOLBOX,
300
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,694
NO MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT?
301
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:04,995
- ACTUALLY, WITH ED HERE,
302
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,931
WE DON'T NEED TO CREATE
THE ILLUSION OF EXCITEMENT.
303
00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:10,000
- OKAY.
304
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,935
LET'S MAKE "HOW-TO" HISTORY.
305
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:14,938
- DON'T BE AFRAID
TO GET TIGHT ON HIS FACE.
306
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:17,574
THOSE EYES
AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
307
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:18,775
- PLACES, PLEASE.
308
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:24,047
- DICK, DICK, WAKE UP.
HE CALLED PLACES.
309
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,186
- I'M NOT IN THIS, BUD.
310
00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:31,488
- OH, NEVER MIND, DICK,
THEY GOT SOMEBODY.
311
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:36,093
HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
312
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:38,095
- AND ACTION.
313
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:40,030
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
314
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,799
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
315
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,101
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S PRICES,
WHO DOESN'T?
316
00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:46,403
( laughing )
317
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,072
- WHAT A GREAT AD LIB.
318
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:50,074
I LOVE THIS GUY.
319
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,576
- IT WASN'T AN AD LIB.
I WROTE IT.
320
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:55,346
- DICK, PUT THAT GREEN-EYED
MONSTER BACK IN ITS CAGE.
321
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,316
- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SEEN
A HANDSOME SINK LIKE THIS
322
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,686
AND SAID, "MAN, WOULD THAT
SNAZZ UP MY BATHROOM"?
323
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:05,022
WELL, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU
STEP BY STEP
324
00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:08,525
THROUGH INSTALLING
THIS BABY YOURSELF.
325
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,694
NOW, THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO
326
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,031
IS REMOVE THESE CAPS
FROM THE WATER PIPE.
327
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:17,334
( whispering)
- ED, ED, SHUT OFF
THE MAIN VALVE.
328
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,269
- WHAT?
329
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:19,269
- CUT.
330
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:20,704
DICK RUINED THE SCENE.
331
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,307
- BUT HE WAS DOING IT WRONG.
332
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:25,109
BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF THE CAPS,
333
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,611
YOU HAVE TO SHUT OFF THE WATER
AT THE MAIN VALVE.
334
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,347
- OH, YEAH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
335
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,051
- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING
ABOUT PLUMBING?
336
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:36,754
- WELL, I DO.
337
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:40,891
SINK, PIPES, THIS THING--
MAIN VALVE.
338
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,328
- YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT IT, DO YOU?
339
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,463
- GIMME A BREAK.
340
00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:48,832
IT'S THE BEST PART I'VE BEEN
OFFERED IN TWO YEARS.
341
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,869
- JER, THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.
342
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,471
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE FIRST THING
ABOUT PLUMBING.
343
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:55,673
- IS THIS TRUE?
344
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,274
- NO WAY, JERRY.
345
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,944
- HE ADMITTED IT.
HE LIED TO GET THE PART.
346
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,280
- I DID NOT.
347
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,216
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE,
HIM OR ME?
348
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,184
- SORRY, ED.
349
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,220
WE WON'T LET HIM
BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
350
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,691
- ALL RIGHT,
LET'S TAKE IT FROM
351
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:16,459
"THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO."
352
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:17,961
- RIGHT.
353
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,262
NOW THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO
354
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:22,499
IS SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE,
355
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,236
THEN REMOVE THESE CAPS.
356
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:28,138
- SEE, HE KNOWS
WHAT HE'S DOING.
357
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:30,440
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES
358
00:18:30,475 --> 00:18:33,443
WE'RE GOING TO CONNECT
THESE FITTINGS.
359
00:18:33,478 --> 00:18:34,578
- CUT.
360
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:35,946
- GEE, THAT'S FUNNY.
361
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:37,981
USUALLY IT'S MY VOICE
SAYING "CUT."
362
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:42,553
SOMETHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU,
DICK?
363
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,255
- ED, YOU FORGOT TO
PUT IN THE WASHER.
364
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,890
- I THOUGHT WE WERE
PUTTING IN A SINK?
365
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,059
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
366
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,728
HE DIDN'T PUT A WASHER
IN THE FITTING.
367
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,462
- DICK, DICK,
THERE'S SUCH A THING
368
00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:53,897
AS BEING TOO CONSCIENTIOUS.
369
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:54,898
ARE WE READY?
370
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,366
- EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE TO ME.
371
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,602
- YEAH, HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
372
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,171
- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
373
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,305
ACTION.
374
00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:06,610
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES
WE'LL CONNECT THESE FITTINGS.
375
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,479
I SHOULD POINT OUT
THAT THIS PROCEDURE
376
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:11,749
APPLIES TO SINKS
AND TO WASHERS.
377
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:20,624
- THE CORRECT WAY TO FASTEN THIS
IS WITH A CROISSANT WRENCH.
378
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:23,026
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
379
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:25,228
ASK FOR IT
AT THE HARDWARE STORE.
380
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:28,231
- AND IF THEY'RE OUT OF IT,
TRY THE BAKERY.
381
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:29,199
- SHH.
382
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,568
- WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING LEFT TO DO
383
00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:36,240
BUT OPEN THE MAIN VALVE
384
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:39,076
AND TURN ON YOUR NEW SINK.
385
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:42,613
HEY, IT WORKS.
386
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,383
- WELL, DICK, THE SKY
ISN'T EXACTLY FALLING.
387
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:49,553
- SO, DO YOU FEEL
LIKE A PLUMBER?
388
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:50,921
I KNOW I DO.
389
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,565
- ED, SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE.
390
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,899
- OH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
391
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:04,368
- BUD, GET THE FUSE BOX.
392
00:20:04,403 --> 00:20:05,736
- PLEASE, ONE THING AT A TIME.
393
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,370
I'VE GOT TO GET THE FUSE BOX.
394
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:14,845
- SO, WE GOT TO DO
ANOTHER TAKE?
395
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:17,747
- NOT WITH YOU, ED.
396
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,017
YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING
ABOUT PLUMBING.
397
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,552
- I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT.
398
00:20:22,587 --> 00:20:25,489
- ED?
- WELL, I'VE USED THE BATHROOM.
399
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:27,925
I HAD TO DO IT.
IT WAS THE PART.
400
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,093
I KNOW THIS DICK LOUDON.
401
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,360
I KNOW HOW HE WALKS.
402
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,695
I KNOW HOW HE EATS BREAKFAST.
403
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,363
I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
404
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,532
- ED, SHOW US HOW HE EXITS.
405
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,273
- NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
406
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,142
I'VE GOT TO DELIVER
A VIDEO TAPE ON TUESDAY
407
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,577
AND WE LOST OUR STAR.
408
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:48,245
- WELL, WE'VE GOT TO FIND
SOMEBODY.
409
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,412
- BUT WHO?
410
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,587
- WHAT ABOUT GEORGE UTLEY?
411
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:58,322
- NO, TOO ETHNIC.
412
00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:06,430
- OH, WHAT THE HELL.
413
00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:07,731
- DICK, SWEETHEART.
414
00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:10,767
- YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO SHOOT ME IN THIS.
415
00:21:10,802 --> 00:21:14,004
I HAVE THOSE SHIFTY EYES.
416
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,140
- NOT SHIFTY, BOUNCY.
417
00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:22,012
- WHAT ABOUT MY STAMMER?
418
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:23,814
- BUILDS SUSPENSE.
419
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,450
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY
THE SENTENCE IS GOING TO GO.
420
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:30,019
- BUT ONLY OLD LADIES LIKE ME.
421
00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:33,957
- DICK, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT 90%
OF ALL RESEARCH IS WRONG.
422
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:38,162
- I DON'T KNOW.
423
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:39,829
- C'MON, DICK,
DON'T MAKE US BEG.
424
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,499
- OH, I'D NEVER DO THAT.
425
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:49,038
ACTUALLY, WHAT I'D REALLY
LIKE YOU TO DO IS SING.
426
00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:53,343
- SING?
- NO.
427
00:21:55,214 --> 00:22:00,784
SING AND DANCE.
428
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:02,752
( laughing )
429
00:22:04,556 --> 00:22:05,756
- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
430
00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:09,827
- NO SONG AND DANCE, NO VIDEO.
431
00:22:11,797 --> 00:22:13,764
- YOU GUYS KNOW
"FINE AND DANDY"?
432
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:15,098
- HEY, COUNT ME OUT.
433
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,499
I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE
IN ANYTHING
434
00:22:16,535 --> 00:22:18,569
THIS CHILDISH AND DEMEANING.
435
00:22:18,604 --> 00:22:19,970
- I WAS THINKING, JER,
436
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:25,675
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE TO
SHOOT THIS AT WPIV.
437
00:22:25,711 --> 00:22:27,043
- TWO, THREE, FOUR.
438
00:22:27,078 --> 00:22:30,948
� GEE IT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY �
439
00:22:30,983 --> 00:22:34,451
� SUGAR CANDY
WHEN I'M WITH YOU �
440
00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:37,754
� THEN I ONLY SEE
THE SUNNY SIDE �
441
00:22:37,789 --> 00:22:40,523
� EVEN TROUBLE
HAS ITS FUNNY SIDE �
442
00:22:40,559 --> 00:22:43,293
� WHEN YOU'RE GONE
SUGAR CANDY �
443
00:22:43,329 --> 00:22:46,129
� I GET SO LONESOME
I GET SO BLUE �
444
00:22:46,165 --> 00:22:47,497
� WHEN YOU'RE HANDY �
445
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:48,832
� IT'S FINE AND DANDY �
446
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:52,536
� BUT WHEN YOU'RE GONE
WHAT CAN I DO? �
447
00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:58,742
( theme music playing )
448
00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:26,035
- MEOW!
32431
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