Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

- HONEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

- HONEY, JUST A SECOND.

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DECIDING

WHAT MY NEXT BOOK WILL BE.

- OH, WELL, WHAT ARE THE CHOICES?

- WELL, IT'S EITHER "YOU AND YOUR AUTOMOTIVE FLUIDS"

OR "GROUTING WITHOUT POUTING."

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF ALL THOSE UNHAPPY GROUTERS,

SO, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- FIRST, DO YOU LIKE THIS DRESS?

- YEAH.

- SECOND, WHEN I WEAR THIS DRESS ON OUR ANNIVERSARY NEXT WEEK,

WHERE WILL YOU BE TAKING ME?

- DINNER AND A MOVIE?

- DICK, THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY ROMANTIC.

- OH.

HOW ABOUT (with French accent) DINNER AND A MOVIE?

- HONEY, YOU KNOW I LIKE OUR ANNIVERSARIES TO BE SPECIAL,

AFTER THE UNROMANTIC WEDDING WE HAD.

- WHAT WAS WRONG WITH OUR WEDDING?

IT WAS SHORT, IT WAS CHEAP, AND IT WAS LEGAL.

- DICK, WE GOT MARRIED WITH TWO OTHER COUPLES.

- WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BIG WEDDING.

- HONEY, WE COULDN'T WAIT FOR A PRIVATE CEREMONY.

WE HAD A PLANE TO CATCH

OR OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE MISSED OUT

ON THE SUPER SAVER DISCOUNT.

- HEY, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.

- WHAT, TAKE A CHEAP FLIGHT SOMEWHERE?

- NO, GET MARRIED.

- HONEY, WE ARE MARRIED.

- NO, I MEAN, WE COULD RESTATE OUR VOWS.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- NO, I'M NOT.

- WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.

( laughing )

- FOOLISH?

- WELL, NOT FOOLISH, MORE LIKE SILLY.

- YES, I GUESS IT IS SILLY.

I GOT CHEATED OUT OF A REAL WEDDING THE FIRST TIME.

I WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE.

I GUESS TO SOME PEOPLE, THAT'S SILLY.

- WELL, TO HELL WITH THOSE PEOPLE.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY,

THEN THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

- OH, DICK, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

I'M GONNA BREAK OUT THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

SO WE CAN TOAST OUR NEW ENGAGEMENT.

- OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT...

FOR A SILLY OCCASION.

- HONEY, IS THAT YOUR FOOT?

- HOW'S MY FIANCE THIS MORNING?

- FOR ONE THING, HE'D LIKE HIS SOCKS PULLED BACK UP.

- THANKS.

- GOOD MORNING. - HI.

- PASS THE SUGAR, CUTE-UMS.

- I THINK THAT'S YOU, DICK.

- OH, RIGHT.

- HI, STEPHANIE.

HONEY, SHOULD WE TELL THEM THE BIG NEWS?

- I DON'T CARE.

- WE'RE GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

- OOH!

- GEE, DICK, I'M NOT SURE BUT I THINK THAT'S BIGAMY.

- YOU KNOW, HONEY, GEORGE MAY HAVE SOMETHING THERE.

- GEORGE, WE'RE JUST RESTATING OUR VOWS.

IT'S LIKE A PUBLIC AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.

- WHEN'S THE BIG EVENT?

- NEXT SATURDAY ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.

- JOANNA, YOU'RE NOT GIVING YOUR MAID OF HONOR

VERY MUCH NOTICE.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED YOU TO BE MY MAID OF HONOR?

- I'M ALWAYS MAID OF HONOR.

WELL, NOT ALWAYS.

SOMETIMES THE BRIDE IS AFRAID THE GROOM WILL CHANGE HIS MIND

AND PROPOSE TO ME.

- DICK, I KNOW I PROBABLY DON'T DESERVE IT

AND IT'S A LOT TO ASK

AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE OTHER PEOPLE IN MIND

BUT COULD I BE YOUR BEST MAN?

- WHAT THE HEY.

- DICK.

- HONEY, HONEY, WAIT A SECOND.

LET ME GET THIS DOWN, OTHERWISE I'LL FORGET IT.

"IF WATER CONTINUES TO LEAK, YOU HAVE NOT GROUTED PROPERLY."

YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

- I GOT SOME DARLING WEDDING INVITATIONS

AT PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF

SO I'LL NEED A LIST OF WHO YOU WANT TO INVITE.

- UH, GEORGE.

- THAT'S ALL?

- AND YOU'RE INVITING STEPHANIE.

- WE CAN'T HAVE A WEDDING WITH ONLY TWO GUESTS.

- HONEY, I WAS HOPING TO KEEP THIS THING SMALL.

- THIS THING?

- YEAH, I SAY "THIS THING,"

YOU SAY "THIS PUBLIC AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE."

POTATO, POT-AH-TO.

- WELL, HONEY, I REALLY WANT TO SHARE THIS OCCASION

WITH OUR FRIENDS.

- WELL, HONEY, LET'S TRY TO KEEP IT

TO OUR CLOSE INTIMATE FRIENDS.

- WELL, SO FAR, IT'S JUST GEORGE, STEPHANIE

AND THE PETERSONS.

- THE PETERSONS?

OF PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF?

- WELL, DICK, I KIND OF HAD TO ASK THEM,

THEY SAW ME BUYING THE INVITATIONS.

- DID ANYONE ELSE SEE YOU?

- NO.

- AND YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWED?

- WE ALSO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHERE TO HAVE THE CEREMONY.

I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED MY WEDDING IN A BEAUTIFUL CHAPEL.

- I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED MINE IN THE LOBBY OF AN INN.

- DICK, C'MON. I WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT.

OH, AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF WE WROTE OUR OWN VOWS.

- HONEY, I'M WRITING A BOOK.

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK I CAN WRITE VOWS

WITH MY HEAD FULL OF GROUT.

- DICK, PLEASE, FOR ME?

HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO GET MARRIED?

- AT THIS RATE?

- HI, BRIDE. HI, GROOM.

( giggling )

- MICHAEL, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- YOU WERE TOPIC UNO AT PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.

CONGRATS.

- THANKS, MICHAEL.

- WHOO! NICE CATCH, THERE, DICK.

AND BY THE WAY, GREAT NEWS,

I'M AVAILABLE TO BE YOUR BEST HOMBRE.

- MICHAEL, THE POSITION OF BEST HOMBRE IS OCCUPADO.

GEORGE IS GONNA BE MY BEST MAN.

- OH. HOW EXCITING.

- BUT NATURALLY, YOU'RE INVITED AS ONE OF THE SELECT FEW GUESTS.

- GREAT.

LIKE THE PETERSONS,

PEOPLE WHO SELL YOU DENTAL FLOSS.

- HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

WE WAS OVER AT PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF,

LOOKING FOR A BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR CANDICE BERGEN,

WHEN WE HEARD ABOUT YOUR IMPENDING NUPTIALS.

SO HERE WE ARE.

WHICH ONE OF US IS GONNA BE YOUR BEST MAN?

- I'M SORRY, GUYS.

GEORGE IS GOING TO BE MY BEST MAN.

- WELL, THIS IS A KNEE IN OUR COLLECTIVE GROINS.

BUT WE WON'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS BY NOT COMING TO THE WEDDING.

- WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, GUYS, AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU,

IT WOULD SERVE ME RIGHT IF YOU DIDN'T COME.

- NO, WE'LL BE THERE.

IF YOU INVITED THE PETERSONS,

YOU MUST BE HAVING TROUBLE FINDING TAKERS.

- HI, EVERYBODY. HI, DICK.

- HI, CHESTER. HI, JIM.

- WE JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING.

- AND MAKE SURE WE'RE INVITED.

- LISTEN, GUYS--

- OF COURSE WE'RE INVITED.

THEY INVITED THE PETERSONS, DIDN'T THEY?

- THAT'S TRUE, AND THEY HARDLY KNOW THE PETERSONS.

I GUESS WE ARE INVITED.

- GOOD. GOOD, THEN, IT'S SET.

DO ME A FAVOR, DON'T SPREAD THIS AROUND.

I DON'T WANT ANY MORE PEOPLE AT THE WEDDING

THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.

( knocking on door )

- OH, HI, EVERYBODY.

HI, DICK.

I HEAR YOU'RE PLANNING TO TIE THE KNOT.

- HARLEY, I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.

YOU CAN'T COME TO THE WEDDING.

- OH. OH, NO PROBLEM.

WHEN I HEAR THOSE WEDDING BELLS TOLL,

I'LL JUST THROW A HANDFUL OF RICE INTO EMPTY SPACE.

LISTEN, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO PLAY ON YOUR GUILT

BUT MAYBE THERE'S A WEDDING-RELATED JOB I CAN DO?

DO YOU NEED A BOUNCER?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

I'LL BE PACKING HEAT.

- COULD I PARK CARS?

- HARLEY, I DON'T NEED--

ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN PARK CARS.

- GREAT. IT'LL COST YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN A BOUNCER

BUT IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.

- DICK, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE ARE HERE FROM YOUR TV STATION.

APPARENTLY, THEY HEARD ABOUT THE WEDDING

FROM THE PETERSONS.

CAN I INVITE THEM?

- WHAT THE HECK, A COUPLE MORE PEOPLE WON'T MATTER.

( people together ) YAYYY!!!

George: SO DICK, DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME

AT THE BEAVER BACHELOR BASH LAST NIGHT?

- YEAH, YOU CAN BET THAT WATER PISTOL FIGHT

WILL GO IN MY BOOK OF MEMORIES.

- OH, HONEY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- YEAH.

EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THAT GIRL THE BEAVERS HIRED

TO JUMP OUT OF THE-- YOU LOOK REAL BEAUTIFUL.

- THANK YOU, GEORGE.

- YOU LOOK NICE TOO, STEPHANIE.

- I HATE THIS STUPID, STUPID DRESS.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THE DRESS?

YOU LOOK LOVELY.

- OBVIOUSLY.

BUT YOU NEVER TOLD ME I'D HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT

AS A BUNCH OF YUCKY BRIDESMAIDS.

- STEPHANIE, THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

PLEASE, JUST TRY TO LIVE WITH THIS, OKAY?

( sighing )

- WELL, STEPHANIE AND I SHOULD BE GETTING TO THE CHAPEL.

ARE YOU READY?

- I GUESS SO.

BUT I FEEL LIKE A BACK-UP SINGER.

- SO, 15 YEARS SHOW?

- YEAH.

NO, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU KNOW, THEY LOOK GREAT ON YOU.

- THANKS.

AND THANKS FOR MARRYING ME, BOTH TIMES.

- HONEY, YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS DON'T COME EASY TO ME

BUT DITTO.

- OH, DICK.

( phone ringing )

I'LL GET IT.

STRATFORD INN.

OH, HI.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

WELL, THANKS FOR CALLING.

BYE.

THAT WAS THE PETERSONS.

THEY CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE WEDDING.

- WHAT?

- WHEN THEY HEARD HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE COMING,

THEY CHANGED THEIR MINDS.

IT TURNS OUT THEY HATE CROWDS.

- YOU MEAN, THEY'RE WEASELING OUT?

- WELL, DICK, WHAT DO YOU CARE?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE FRIENDS.

- WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS.

THE MOST INTIMATE THING THEY EVER SAID TO ME IS

"YOU WANT A BAG FOR THAT?"

BUT YOU WENT AND INVITED THEM AND THAT'S THE REASON

THAT THE WHOLE TOWN IS COMING TO THIS STUPID THING.

- STUPID THING?

- ALL RIGHT, STUPID PUBLIC AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.

STUPID POTATO, STUPID POT-AH-TO.

AND NOW THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE ARE THE ONLY ONES

WHO ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO SHOW UP.

- OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ANOTHER SMARTIE.

YOU ARE THE MOST UNROMANTIC MAN I'VE EVER MET.

AND I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU A SECOND TIME

IF YOU WERE THE LAST UNROMANTIC MAN ON EARTH.

( footsteps stamping away )

- WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.

( door slamming )

CUTE-UMS?

JOANNA?

JOANNA, C'MON, LET'S GO GET MARRIED.

Joanna: GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY WE SHOULD.

- HOW ABOUT $2,000

THAT WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THROWN IN THE BLENDER.

Joanna: WRONG REASON, DICK.

- HOW ABOUT A ROOM FULL OF GIFTS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RETURN?

HOW ABOUT THE WHOLE TOWN IS WAITING TO SEE US GET MARRIED?

HOW ABOUT THOSE CELTICS?

Joanna: WHAT?

- I WAS JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF YOU WERE STILL THERE.

Joanna: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WANTED THIS DAY TO BE SPECIAL.

YOU'RE JUST NOT ROMANTIC ENOUGH, THAT'S ALL.

- MAYBE I WASN'T ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT RESTATING OUR VOWS BUT,

HEY, THIS GUY IS ROMANTIC.

Joanna: YOU NEVER EVEN PROPOSED TO ME.

- IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT

THAT WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED.

Joanna: SEE!

- HONEY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Joanna: NO.

- PLEASE?

Joanna: ARE YOU DOWN ON ONE KNEE?

- YEAH.

Joanna: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

- JOANNA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Joanna: WHY?

- WELL, FOR ONE THING ALL MY SOCKS ARE IN THERE.

Joanna: DICK.

- HONEY, THIS IS THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS.

Joanna: REALLY?

- QUITE A LOT, ACTUALLY.

- YOU SAID YOU WERE ON ONE KNEE!

- I WAS.

Joanna: JUST FORGET IT, DICK.

- I WAS A PICTURE OF ROMANCE OUT HERE.

HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING?

Joanna: JUST DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO ALL ALONG.

TELL EVERYBODY THE WEDDING IS OFF.

- YOUR TIMING IS PERFECT ON THIS.

I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND 'EM ALL IN ONE PLACE.

- STEPHANIE, SHOULDN'T ALL YOU BRIDESMAIDS BE DRESSED ALIKE?

- WHAT ARE WE, TRIPLETS?

- HI, MICHAEL. WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND

THAT DICK PICKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN.

- IT'S OKAY, GEORGE, I DECIDED I DIDN'T WANT THE JOB

WHEN I FOUND OUT ONE OF THE BEST MAN'S DUTIES

IS TO KISS THE MINISTER AFTER THE CEREMONY.

- HI, STEPH. NICE DRESS.

- YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING I BOUGHT FROM THE BRIDE

AT THE WEDDING BEFORE THIS.

- HI, HARLEY.

HOW'S THE PARKING CARS GOING?

- OH, WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH FUN,

BUT IT'LL LOOK GOOD ON MY RESUME.

George: HI, LARRY, DARRYL, DARRYL.

WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THAT DICK--

WELL, AT LEAST DARRYL'S TALKING TO ME.

- THIS MUST BE WHERE THE BEST MAN REJECTS ARE PARKING IT?

- MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY, YOU LOOK LOVELY IN THAT GOWN.

EVEN THOUGH IT REEKS OF A FORMER OCCUPANT.

- THANK YOU, LARRY.

- OH, HI, BOSS.

YOU WANT ME TO PARK YOUR CAR?

- NO, LEAVE IT BY THE DOOR WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING.

- HI, DICK. THEY'RE HERE.

( applause )

( organ music: "Here Comes the Bride" )

- COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING

BUT THE WEDDING IS OFF.

- IT IS? HOW COME?

- IT'S JOANNA.

SHE WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT

AND THEN, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE,

SHE SPILT MOUTHWASH ON HER WEDDING GOWN.

- NO!

- NEVER KNEW MOUTHWASH TO STAIN, DICK.

- AND GRAPE JUICE.

- A LITTLE COLD WATER AND A FEW DROPS OF GLYCERIN WILL--

- AND INK AND EPOXY RESINS.

YOU CAN ALL APPRECIATE HOW THERE'S, YOU KNOW,

NO POINT IN HAVING A WEDDING WITHOUT A BRIDE.

George: SHE'S HERE!

( cheering )

( applause )

( organ music: "Here Comes the Bride" )

- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU.

I KNOW HOW BAD YOU ARE AT MAKING UP EXCUSES.

- WELL, THAT SHOWS HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT ME.

- DRESS LOOKS FINE, DICK.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A MESS.

- YEAH, HOW DID YOU GET RID OF THOSE EPOXY RESINS?

- WHAT?

- WILL YOU PLAY THE DAMN MUSIC?

( organ music: "Here Comes the Bride" )

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE NOT UPSET AT ME ANYMORE?

- KEEP DREAMING.

I'M GOING TO SAY "I DO," AND THOSE ARE THE LAST WORDS

YOU'LL EVER HEAR OUT OF ME.

- STEPHANIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A BRIDAL GOWN?

- I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING.

- FRIENDS, WE ARE GATHERED HERE BECAUSE DICK AND JOANNA LOUDON

WOULD LIKE TO RENEW THE WEDDING VOWS

THEY MADE TO EACH OTHER 15 YEARS AGO TODAY.

THIS IS A JOYOUS OCCASION FOR THEM AND FOR THOSE OF US

WHO WERE INVITED TO SHARE IN THIS CELEBRATION OF THEIR LOVE.

AND THEY'RE MAKING MY JOB EASY TODAY

BECAUSE THEY'VE PREPARED THEIR OWN WEDDING VOWS.

- REVEREND, I THINK MAYBE WE'D BETTER USE YOURS.

- OH, WELL--

- UH, GEE, JOANNA, I'D KIND OF LIKE TO READ WHAT I HAVE HERE.

I WROTE THIS 15 YEARS AGO FOR OUR FIRST WEDDING

BUT DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF THE CEREMONY

I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO READ IT

BUT I THINK THE SENTIMENTS EXPRESSED HERE

ARE JUST AS APPROPRIATE TODAY AS THEY WERE IN 1971.

"DEAREST JOANNA, I PROMISE TO MAKE EVERY DAY

"OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER A LOVE-IN.

"TO NEVER GIVE OFF BAD VIBES,

"NO MATTER WHAT BAG YOU'RE IN.

"NEVER TO LAY HEAD TRIPS ON YOU."

ACTUALLY, THIS ISN'T AS TIMELESS AS I REMEMBER.

MAYBE I'LL SKIP THIS SECTION ON CAMBODIA.

"FINALLY, JOANNA, I PROMISE IF MY LOVE FOR YOU EVER CHANGES

"THAT IT WILL ONLY MEAN IT'S GROWN STRONGER,"

AND THAT'S STILL TRUE TODAY.

- OH, DICK.

- EXCUSE ME, BUT THE KISS COMES LATER.

- WANT A BET?

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!