Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( coughing )

- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?

- I JUST CAME DOWN TO GET A MAGAZINE.

- I COULD HAVE BROUGHT IT TO YOU.

HONEY, YOU'RE SICK. GO BACK UP TO BED.

- I'M NOT SICK.

I KEEP TELLING YOU, I FEEL GREAT.

( coughing )

- YEAH, AND YOU'LL SOUND GREAT TOO

ONCE YOU'VE FINISHED COUGHING UP LINDA BLAIR.

HONEY, C'MON, DOC WYLIE IS EXAMINING THE GUESTS.

HE'LL GET TO YOU IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

- HE'S ONLY GONNA CONFIRM

WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ALL ALONG.

( sneezing )

I'M FINE.

( phone ringing )

- HELLO, STRATFORD INN.

OH, HI, MRS. VANDERKELLEN.

IS STEPHANIE BUSY?

YOU'RE IN LUCK.

STEPHANIE, IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

- HERE, I WAS DOING THE MANTEL.

MOMMY, OH, I'M TERRIBLE.

WELL, I'M SURROUNDED BY SICK PEOPLE HERE.

AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BEING

ON THE SAME PLANET WITH MUCUS.

SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH YOU?

OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE

AND, UNDER THE DISGUSTING CIRCUMSTANCES,

I'M SURE DICK WOULD NOT LET ME GO.

OH, DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT HIM, MOMMY.

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S NOT TRUE, I'M SAYING IT'S NOT NICE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK LATER.

- OHA, HOST AND CUPCAKE.

- MICHAEL.

- HOW'S YOUR DAY? - BETTER NOW.

- NATCH.

DICK, GREAT NEWS.

THIS SUNDAY, YOUR GUEST ON "VERMONT TODAY"

IS NONE OTHER THAN THE ONE, THE ONLY, LIVE AND IN PERSON--

- MICHAEL, WHO IS IT?

- THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

I WANTED HIM ON THE SHOW SINCE WE STARTED

BUT YOU KEPT REFUSING TO BOOK HIM.

- WELL, DICK, THE TIMING WASN'T RIGHT.

BUT THIS WEEK, THE WHISTLING CHIPMUNKS FELL THROUGH

AND THE RUMBA KING HAD A GROIN PULL.

AND THE NEXT NAME ON MY LIST WAS THE PREZ.

OH, AND I BROUGHT YOU THE BRAIN'S BIO.

OH, IT'S NOT HERE. MUST BE IN THE TURBO Z.

I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH.

MISS ME?

- UH-HUH. - SAME HERE.

- WELL, I EXAMINED YOUR SICK GUESTS AND YOUR WIFE.

AND THEY'RE FINE.

- REALLY?

- YUP, APART FROM HAVING THE MEASLES.

- MEASLES?

- THEN THEY AREN'T REALLY FINE, ARE THEY?

- IT CAN'T BE MEASLES. JOANNA DOESN'T HAVE SPOTS.

- ONE OR TWO.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT TO CATCH IT.

ISN'T THERE A COLONY YOU CAN PUT HER IN OR SOMETHING?

- NOW, NOW, MISS, IN THIS DAY AND AGE,

YOU DON'T HAVE CAUSE TO BE AFRAID OF THE MEASLES.

- MEASLES? YIKES.

- MICHAEL!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- STEPH, I CAN'T STAY, IT'S GERMORAMA IN THERE.

- BUT YOU FORGOT YOUR BRIEFCASE.

- KEEP IT.

IT'S PROBABLY CRAWLING WITH MEASLES,

JUST WAITING TO JUMP ON MY FACE.

- MICHAEL.

MICHAEL, WHAT ABOUT THE BIO FOR THE SHOW?

- NOW THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KEEP 'EM IN BED

AND KEEP THE FEVERS DOWN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO RISK ANY COMPLICATIONS.

IT'S ALL HERE IN THESE INSTRUCTIONS ON PATIENT CARE.

WELL, I'LL STOP BY TOMORROW FOR A SPOT CHECK, HA, HA, HA.

- DICK, HERE'S SOME INSTRUCTIONS ON PATIENT CARE.

OH, NO.

IT'S ENOUGH I HAVE TO SCRUB TOILETS.

PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME STOOP TO TAKING CARE OF THE SICK.

- HI, EVERYBODY. WHAT'S NEW?

- THIS INN IS FULL OF PESTILENCE,

PEOPLE ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES

AND THE DOCTOR SAYS THERE'S NOTHING HE CAN DO.

- WHOA.

A LOT CAN HAPPEN WHILE YOU ROTATE YOUR TIRES.

- THAT'S JUST STEPHANIE'S WAY OF SAYING

THERE ARE FIVE PEOPLE WITH THE MEASLES.

- THAT'S THE WAY I TOOK IT, DICK.

WHAT ELSE COULD SHE HAVE MEANT?

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN COUNT ON MY HELP

THROUGH THE WHOLE CRISIS.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SICK A DAY IN MY LIFE.

- OH, YOU MUST HAVE COME FROM HEALTHY PARENTS.

- NO, DICK, THEY'RE DEAD.

- WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER CANCEL ALL THE RESERVATIONS

AND CLOSE DOWN THE INN.

IF WE DIVIDE UP THE LABOR, I SEE NO REASON

WHY THREE HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE A CHILD'S DISEASE.

RATS.

RATS!

MORE RATS!

- DO YOU HAVE TO GET IN SUCH A TERRIBLE MOOD

WHEN YOU'RE SICK?

- NO. NOW SHUT UP.

DAMN.

I HAD THIS PILLOW JUST RIGHT. NOW IT'S TOO HOT.

- HERE, DICK, TAKE MINE.

- JOANNA, I SWEAR, IF YOU OFFER ME ONE MORE SACRIFICE,

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.

- WILL YOU AT LEAST STOP EATING YOUR HEART OUT

OVER THAT BIO?

- I CAN'T. I MEAN, IT'S NOT FAIR.

I DON'T EVEN GET TO INTERVIEW

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

SUMMA CUM LAUDE, FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR.

EVERY MOMENT OF HIS LIFE, ACTION-PACKED.

- MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF IT IF WE WATCH TV.

Announcer: ( on TV ) SLAM DUNK, MCHALE, 98-96,

THE CELTICS HAVE 0 FOR THEIR 2.

- THE CELTICS.

I THOUGHT THERE'D BE NOTHING ON BUT A BUNCH OF SOAP OPERAS.

( gasping ) - THAT'S RIGHT.

Woman ( on TV ): I THOUGHT YOU DIED IN

THAT ALASKAN HELICOPTER CRASH?

Man: NO, CYNTHIA, THAT WAS MY SCHEMING LOOKALIKE .

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN POSING AS CYNTHIA FOR TWO YEARS.

ANY DAY NOW, SHE'S GONNA REVEAL HER TRUE IDENTITY.

I AM DYING TO KNOW WHO SHE REALLY IS.

- HONEY, THIS IS JUNK FOOD FOR THE MIND.

LET'S TURN THE BASKETBALL GAME ON.

THERE COULD BE A FIGHT.

( basketball playing on television )

- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE SO SELF-SACRIFICING?

- THAT WASN'T ME, THAT WAS MY SCHEMING LOOKALIKE.

( door closing )

- WELL, IT'S TIME FOR EVERYBODY'S MEDICINE.

STEPHANIE, ARE YOU STILL REARRANGING THOSE POSTCARDS?

YOU'VE BEEN DOING THAT SINCE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.

- YEAH, AND I'M ALMOST FINISHED.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

IT SEEMS TO ME YOU COULD HAVE FINISHED THAT BY THIS MORNING.

MAYBE EVEN LATE YESTERDAY.

I'VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS WORK AROUND HERE

AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING NOTHING.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THESE PILLS UPSTAIRS?

- ALL RIGHT, GEORGE.

YOU CAUGHT ME.

I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING MY SHARE OF THE WORK.

AND I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU,

STARTING WITH NOT TAKING THAT TRAY.

- HUH?

- GEORGE, AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE, WHY SHOULD I GET TO GO UPSTAIRS

AND BASK IN THE GRATITUDE OF THE TEMPORARILY DISFIGURED?

VISITING, SOCIALIZING, YES, EVEN LAUGHING,

WHILE YOU'RE STUCK DOWN HERE MANNING THE PHONE,

ALONE, UNAPPRECIATED, FORGOTTEN.

- I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.

MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE THESE PILLS UPSTAIRS MYSELF.

( phone ringing )

- OH, NO, IT'S STARTING ALREADY.

( phone ringing )

HELLO, STRATFORD INN.

OH, HI, MICHAEL.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD I'M WORKING.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY, "POOR STEPH"?

THANK YOU.

WHAT?

YEAH, IT'S STILL HERE.

MICHAEL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME

IT'S IN A SIDE COMPARTMENT.

IF IT'S A CHECK BOOK, I CAN FIND IT.

ALL RIGHT, YOUR BALANCE IS...

$39.20?

MICHAEL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR MONEY?

OH, WELL, I'M WORTH IT.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO DICK?

BUT I'D HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS TO TELL HIM.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT,

FOR $39.20.

- SAY, JOANNA, ISN'T THAT SOAP OPERA YOU LIKE ON NOW?

- YES, GEORGE.

BUT SOME SELFISHNESS SEEMS TO BE INTERFERING WITH THE SIGNAL.

- THAT'S TOO BAD.

I HEAR THEY'RE GOING TO REVEAL CYNTHIA'S TRUE IDENTITY TODAY.

- DICK, MICHAEL'S ON THE PHONE.

Dick: STEPHANIE, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,

WOULD YOU CLEAR AWAY THE LUNCH DISHES?

- NO, NO, DICK.

THAT'S MY JOB.

STEPHANIE'S NOT GONNA MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME AGAIN.

- MICHAEL?

YOU HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS? WHAT IS IT?

REPLACING ME WAS EASIER THAN YOU EVER DREAMED.

WHO DID YOU GET?

YOU'RE GOING AFTER ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

WHAT THE HELL HAS HE GOT TO TALK TO A UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT ABOUT?

NOTHING, BUT YOU CAN PROMOTE IT

AS "THE TERMINATOR AND THE EDUCATOR."

MICHAEL, SCHWARZENEGGER WILL NEVER DO THE SHOW.

YES, HE COULD PASS UP A TITLE LIKE THAT.

GOODBYE, MICHAEL.

( soap opera on television )

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS?

Woman: ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS, FOR TWO YEARS NOW

I'VE BEEN MASQUERADING AS YOUR LOVING STEP AUNT CYNTHIA

BUT IT'S ALL BEEN A SHAM.

IN REALITY, I AM--

Announcer: ( on TV ) ( indistinct ) MAXWELL.

AND THERE'S THE BUZZER.

IN ALL MY YEARS OF BROADCASTING,

THAT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE SHOT I'VE EVER WITNESSED.

- WHAT?

WHAT SHOT?

Announcer: I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW THE REPLAY

BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

JOIN US AGAIN THURSDAY FOR THE CEL--

Woman: THEN YOU FORGIVE ME?

Man: OF COURSE I DO,

NOW THAT YOU'VE TOLD ME YOUR TRUE IDENTITY.

TO ME, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CYNTHIA

AND WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN .

- I HOPE YOUR SPOTS GET BIGGER AND YOUR FACE EXPLODES.

( music playing )

- TOUGH BREAK, STEPHANIE.

BUT DOC WYLIE ASKED ME TO CHANGE THE SHEETS

ON ALL THE SICKROOM BEDS.

- OKAY, GEORGE, BUT NOW YOU OWE ME.

- WHEN DID WE GET ALL THESE STEPS?

Stephanie: GEORGE,

YOU'RE NOT SICK TOO?

- I DON'T KNOW.

DOES BEING SICK MEAN YOUR HEAD'S HOT,

YOUR THROAT'S SORE AND YOUR LEGS FEEL LIKE GINGER ALE?

- YES.

- GEE, I HAVEN'T FELT THAT WELL SINCE THURSDAY.

- GEORGE, YOU OWE ME, REMEMBER?

DON'T BE SICK.

- WELL, I'M THROUGH.

( breathing heavily )

MAYBE NOT.

SAY "AGHH."

- HUH? - THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

YEAH, THAT'S THE MEASLES ALL RIGHT.

YOU GO AND LIE DOWN IN AN UPSTAIRS ROOM

WHERE THIS LITTLE LADY CAN LOOK AFTER YOU.

- BOY, ARE YOU LUCKY?

I ONLY HAD FIVE PEOPLE TO TAKE CARE OF.

YOU'VE GOT SIX.

- UH, DOC WYLIE?

- YEAH?

( coughing )

- I'M SICK TOO.

- YOU LOOK PERFECT TO ME.

- WELL, OF COURSE.

BUT I JUST KNOW I'M GETTING MEASLES.

I'VE GOTTEN EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER WANTED.

- I'M SORRY.

THERE'S NOTHING MEDICALLY WRONG WITH YOU.

- BUT I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF A HOUSE FULL OF SICK PEOPLE.

- I SUPPOSE YOU COULD USE A NURSE.

- GREAT. WHERE CAN I GET ONE?

- YOU CAN'T. AIN'T YOU HEARD?

THERE'S A MEASLES EPIDEMIC.

LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

( music playing )

Dick: STEPHANIE, I ASKED FOR ASPIRIN,

NOT FLINTSTONE VITAMINS.

- I'M PRETTY SURE DOC WYLIE SAID YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE TWO WILMAS.

( knocking on door )

- STEPH!

- MICHAEL.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- SAME HERE.

LISTEN, STEPH, I NEED SOMETHING FROM MY BRIEFCASE.

COULD YOU CHECK MY "WEEK AT A GLANCE"

AND SEE WHAT TIME MY MEETING IS ON TUESDAY?

- MICHAEL, YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THAT STUPID, STUPID BRIEFCASE

THAN ME.

- UNTRUE, STEPH. THAT'S TUESDAY, THE 25TH.

- LET'S SEE.

BLOW DRYER, BREATH SPRAY,

SPANISH-ENGLISH DICTIONARY.

HERE'S YOUR "WEEK AT A GLANCE."

TUESDAY, THE 25TH.

YOUR MEETING'S AT 10:15 AND YOU'RE PLANNING TO SAY,

"GOOD MORNING, CORPORATE CABALLEROS."

- GREAT, THANKS. BYE, STEPH.

- MICHAEL!

DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE HELL I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH?

Michael: SEE YOU AFTER THE EPIDEMIC.

Dick: STEPHANIE, WHERE IS THAT ASPIRIN?

- EUGH, EUGH, EUGH!

HELLO, MOMMY, HOW ARE YOU?

HOW'S DADDY?

ME?

I'M UP TO MY WAIST IN USED TISSUES.

WHAT?

SPEND A COUPLE OF DAYS WITH YOU?

MOMMY, WE'VE BEEN ALL THROUGH THIS.

IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.

OKAY, HOW SOON CAN YOU SEND THE CAR?

SEE YOU.

( music playing )

- IS THAT THE LAST LOZENGE?

- YEAH.

DO YOU WANT IT?

- OH, NO, I FEEL FINE.

- YOU WANT IT, DON'T YOU?

- YOU NEED IT. I DON'T.

( coughing )

- HI, DICK, JOANNA.

JUST BRINGING YOU A LITTLE SNACK.

- HI. LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ENOUGH THERE FOR THREE DAYS.

- YOU THINK SO?

Joanna: STEPHANIE, WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP?

- THIS?

THIS IS NOTHING.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF MEASLES

IS OVERRATING PEOPLE'S CLOTHES?

- IS THERE A BANANA IN THERE?

- THERE'S ONE LEFT.

- GIVE IT TO JOANNA.

- I DON'T WANT IT.

- SURE, YOU SAY THAT NOW BUT IF I EAT IT,

YOU'LL START MAKING NOISES LIKE A MONKEY.

- WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT,

YOU BETTER TELL ME NOW BECAUSE, WELL, JUST BECAUSE.

- NO, STEPHANIE, YOU'VE DONE SO MUCH.

I JUST WISH I COULD HELP YOU.

IT ISN'T EASY TAKING CARE OF US AND GEORGE AND THE GUESTS

ALL BY YOURSELF AND WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT, DICK?

- YEAH, RIGHT.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY ASPIRIN.

- AND I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE.

IT'LL KEEP FOR DAYS.

- ONCE AGAIN, WE REALIZE THE SACRIFICES YOU'VE BEEN MAKING

AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH WE REALLY APPRECIATE--

- STOP IT!

I MEAN, THANK YOU.

- STEPHANIE, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WELL--

- HONEY, IT'S TIME FOR "VERMONT TODAY."

I WANT TO SEE WHO MICHAEL GOT TO HOST.

- OH, YEAH, ME TOO.

- WELL,

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

Announcer: ( on TV ) AND NOW VERMONT TODAY STARRING DICK LOUDON.

SITTING IN FOR DICK THIS AFTERNOON IS GUEST HOST,

BINKY THE CLOWN.

- WHAT?

- NOW, HONEY, DON'T GET UPSET.

MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD.

Binky: HI, I'M BINKY AND GOSH AND GOLLY,

I'M SO HAPPY BECAUSE WE GET TO MEET THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

HI, MR. PRESIDENT .

( horn beeps )

- YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY.

THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU MEET A SCHOLAR

IS BEEP HIS NOSE.

( music playing )

- OH, NO, I HAVE TO FIX THE DRAIN.

- GEORGE, WHY AREN'T YOU IN BED?

- BED? NO, I HAVE A LOT TO DO.

BESIDES, YOU SAID YOU'D TEACH ME TO USE A WRENCH.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- OH, SURE. I'D BETTER HURRY

OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE PEP RALLY.

ARE YOU COMING, DAD?

- OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE BURNING UP.

YOU BETTER LIE DOWN.

- DAD, ARE YOU MAD 'CAUSE I VARNISHED THE CAT?

- OF COURSE I'M NOT MAD.

- THEN HOW COME I'M GROUNDED?

- GEORGE, JUST LIE THERE AND DON'T MOVE.

HELLO, IS DOC WYLIE THERE?

CAN YOU TELL HIM TO COME TO THE STRATFORD INN RIGHT AWAY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE HAS AN EMERGENCY?

THIS IS A BIGGER EMERGENCY.

IT AFFECTS ME.

WELL, TELL HIM TO GET HERE AS SOON AS HE CAN.

- 'SCUSE ME, ARE YOU MISS VANDERKELLEN?

- YES.

- YOUR LIMO'S HERE. ARE THESE YOUR BAGS?

- WHO IS IT, DAD?

IS THAT MY DATE?

GEE, THAT MUSIC'S PRETTY.

- OH, PISH!

I'M NOT GOING.

LEAVE THE BAGS.

- BUT, MISS?

- TELL MY PARENTS I'M NOT COMING.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING SUCH A LONG DRIVE

AND, BY THE WAY, YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED TO MEASLES.

- THANKS A LOT, DAD.

NOW I'LL HAVE TO GO STAG.

- HERE, DRINK THIS.

IT'LL BRING YOUR FEVER DOWN,

I HOPE.

- HEY, YOU'RE NOT DAD.

- GEORGE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

- SURE.

THANKS, MOM.

( music playing )

- STEPHANIE?

- SHH.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT GEORGE IS ASLEEP?

HE WAS UP HALF THE NIGHT.

- IS HE ALL RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED?

- DON'T WORRY. HE'S FINE NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

- WE WERE HUNGRY.

THE SALAMI LOST ITS FLAVOR ON THE BEDPOST OVERNIGHT.

- WE'RE FEELING A LITTLE BETTER.

WE THOUGHT WE'D FIX OUR OWN BREAKFAST.

- WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE RECOVERED.

NOW GET BACK TO BED AND I'LL BE UP IN A FEW MINUTES

WITH A NICE HOT BREAKFAST FOR EVERYBODY.

- DICK, WE'RE HALLUCINATING.

- I HOPE TO GOD THAT EXPLAINS BINKY THE CLOWN.

- OH, GEEZ, WHAT AM I DOING DOWN HERE?

STEPHANIE!

- HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

- OH, FINE.

I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM.

MY MOTHER WAS THERE,

MY FATHER WAS THERE

AND I WENT TO A PEP RALLY AND THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL.

- OH, GEORGE.

THAT WAS ME.

- NO, IT WAS A GUY IN A CHAUFFEUR'S CAP

CARRYING LUGGAGE.

- GO BACK TO SLEEP, GEORGE, YOU'RE STILL DELIRIOUS.

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!