Original subtitles

( music playing )

- GEORGE, WHAT HAPPENED?

- I TRIED TO JUMP OVER THAT BIG MUD PUDDLE IN THE YARD.

I DIDN'T MAKE IT.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WALK AROUND THE PUDDLE?

- OH, IT'S NOT EASY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND IN MIDAIR, JOANNA.

I'VE GOTTA GO BACK AND DIG OUT MY BOOT.

- THAT'S REALLY IT OUT THERE, ISN'T IT?

- UH, WHAT?

- NATURE.

- IN THE FLESH.

- HELLO, I'M RUPERT KELLMAN, AND I'M READY.

- FOR WHAT?

- TO CONFRONT NATURE.

I-- I WANT TO ENCOUNTER WIND, TO EXPERIENCE FIRE,

TO EMBRACE WATER.

- IF YOU LIKE, I COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO MUD.

- REALLY?

EXCUSE ME. I DON'T THINK I SHOULD PASS THIS UP.

- HE WANTS TO EMBRACE WATER?

- I HATE TO THINK WHAT HE'S GONNA DO TO MUD.

- DICK...

GREAT NEWS.

I JUST MET WITH THE STATION MANAGER AND BEV APPROVED

A STATEWIDE "VERMONT TODAY" TALENT SEARCH FOR ME.

HOTELS, MILEAGE, THE WORKS.

- WE HAVE PLENTY OF GOOD GUESTS RIGHT IN THE AREA.

- WELL, BEV'S NOT SATISFIED WITH THE GUESTS.

- SINCE WHEN?

- SINCE I TOLD HER YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED.

- BUT I AM.

- WELL, DICK, I THINK YOU SHOULD'VE MADE THAT CLEAR

BEFORE EVERYONE GOT SO WORKED UP.

- WELL, I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THAT NEXT TIME

BEFORE I SAY SOMETHING I NEVER SAID.

- MICHAEL, WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

Michael: STEPH, GREAT NEWS REGARDING "VERMONT TODAY."

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING AND FOR HOW MANY DAYS?

- ONLY SIX?

FIVE?

FOUR DAYS WITH A PRESENT.

- ( sigh ) VERY NICE.

WHAT DO I GET FOR THE OTHER THREE DAYS?

- THEY'RE BEING DELIVERED.

AND STEPH, COULD YOU POSSIBLY

STOP BY THE APARTMENT WHILE I'M GONE,

WATER THE PLANTS, SMOOTH MY SWEATERS?

- THIS IS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.

- CUPCAKE, YOU KNOW, IT KILLS ME TO LEAVE YOU

BUT I'M DOING THIS FOR DICK.

- WHAT?

- DICK IS MAKING YOU GO?

- DON'T BLAME HIM, BLAME ME.

I'M LETTING HIM MAKE ME GO.

- I JUST HOPE YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN THIS MAN.

- I THINK I DO.

- STEPHANIE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD

POSSIBLY HURT PLANTS IN FOUR DAYS.

BUT YOU DID.

OH, MY.

ARE THESE ALL YOU?

Stephanie: WELL, THERE ARE SOME STRANGERS

IN THE BACKGROUND OF ONE OF THEM.

THE LAB SAID THEY COULDN'T GET THEM OUT.

- STEPHANIE, THIS IS A SHRINE.

- I KNOW.

MICHAEL CALLS IT "CUPCAKE CORNER."

- SO, I THINK ALL THESE PLANTS NEED

IS A LITTLE WATER AND SUNLIGHT.

"SHORT-TERM GOALS:

HIGHER RATINGS,

MORE EXCITING GUESTS, SMELL EVEN BETTER."

- OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE NOT IN ORDER.

- "LONG-TERM GOALS: ACCOMPLISH TAKEOVER OF CBS,

GET CHUMMY WITH SINATRA"?

- OF COURSE, THAT'LL BE A LOT EASIER

ONCE THE CBS THING HAPPENS.

- RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL WATER.

WHY DON'T YOU SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOME PLANT FOOD.

- BOY! WATER, FOOD, SUNLIGHT.

REMIND ME NEVER TO HAVE CHILDREN.

OOH!

WHAT'S THIS?

- STEPHANIE, THAT LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL'S DIARY.

- OOH!

NICE LEATHER.

DARLING LITTLE LOCK.

STURDY TOO.

- STEPHANIE, THIS BOOK IS LOCKED FOR A REASON.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL PUT IT AWAY.

( click )

- STEPHANIE!

- JOANNA, I'M TRYING TO READ!

- YOU SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING AT THAT.

THOSE ARE MICHAEL'S PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

- OH, YEAH?

WHOSE EYES WERE ALL OVER HIS SHORT-TERM GOALS?

HERE'S MY NAME.

"OCTOBER 4TH: STEPH NEVER FAILS TO AMAZE ME.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, PERKY."

BOY, DOES HE KNOW ME?

"HOW COULD SOMEONE THAT PERFECT

TURN INTO SUCH A THOUGHTLESS, SELFISH, CHILD?"

- STEPHANIE, I THINK WE SHOULD PUT THIS AWAY AND GO.

- OH, NO, JOANNA.

WE CAN'T LEAVE YET.

I TOLD MICHAEL I'D SMOOTH HIS SWEATERS FOR HIM.

OKAY, WE CAN GO NOW.

- I'M BACK.

- HI, MR. KELLMAN.

HOW'S YOUR HAND DOING?

- WELL, IT'S STILL THROBBING,

BUT THAT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY

FOR THAT TASTE OF FRESH HONEY.

- I WISH YOU'D BE MORE CAREFUL.

- DON'T WORRY. I SPENT A QUIET DAY COLLECTING LEAVES.

- YOU COLLECT POISON OAK?

- OH DEAR.

- THAT'S YOUR GOOD HAND, TOO, ISN'T IT?

- YEAH.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S NATURE, HUH?

BEAUTIFUL, TREACHEROUS, AWE-INSPIRING.

- ITCHY.

- STEPHANIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK PALE.

- I'VE BEEN READING A HORROR STORY.

Joanna: STEPHANIE, YOU DIDN'T.

- DON'T START LECTURING ME.

I'M TOO UPSET.

- WHAT'S STEPHANIE UPSET ABOUT?

- I-- I REALLY DON'T KNOW, GEORGE.

- I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU READ THAT.

- I THINK SHE READ SOMETHING, DICK.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF STUFF IS IN HERE?

"STEPHANIE DOESN'T NEED A BOYFRIEND,

SHE NEEDS A BABYSITTER."

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR READING HIS DIARY.

- OKAY, DICK, I'VE ALMOST GOT IT.

- AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED "CUPCAKE CORNER"

IS A CRUEL HOAX.

- NEVER MIND.

- WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL GEORGE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M TRYING TO READ.

- STEPHANIE READ MICHAEL'S DIARY.

- AHA!

- STEPHANIE DID WHAT?

- DON'T YOU START!

- STEPHANIE, WHAT YOU DID WAS A FLAGRANT VIOLATION

OF MICHAEL'S PRIVACY.

- MICHAEL'S RIGHT.

YOU ARE SANCTIMONIOUS.

PAGE 55.

- JOANNA!

- HE SAYS MUCH WORSE THINGS ABOUT YOU.

- I DON'T CARE.

- "IN WALKED THE SANCTIMONIOUS JOANNA,

LITTLE MISS PERFECT."

- OKAY.

LET ME HAVE IT.

RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.

WHAT DOES HE SAY ABOUT ME?

- I DON'T KNOW IF HE MENTIONS YOU, GEORGE.

- WELL, HE MUST SAY SOMETHING.

I'M A NATURAL TARGET.

- I-- I DON'T THINK YOU'RE MENTIONED.

- OH MY GOD, DICK.

HE REALLY LAYS YOU OUT.

- HEY, HEY. HERE'S SOMETHING REAL NASTY ABOUT ME.

UH, NEVER MIND.

IT'S ABOUT DICK.

IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST.

- I'M "MISS BUTTINSKY"?

- WELL, I'M A HIGH-BRED BRAT.

- I'M NOTHING.

- AND DICK IS...

All: OH!

- HI, ALL.

I'M BACK.

MISS ME?

PERHAPS YOU-- YOU REMEMBER ME.

MICHAEL HARRIS?

AND HOW'S MY REASON TO LIVE?

- DROP DEAD.

- STILL MIFFED ABOUT THIS NASTY TRIP BUSINESS?

WELL, GET READY TO FORGIVE.

I FIDDLED WITH THE ODOMETER AND WE CAN DINE OUT

THE REST OF THE WEEK ON THE EXTRA MILEAGE.

SHALL WE START TOMORROW AT SEVEN?

- HIGH-BRED BRATS NEVER EAT BEFORE EIGHT.

- WELL, EIGHT IT IS.

DICK, I FOUND SOME PRIMO GUESTS FOR THE SHOW.

HOW ABOUT WE CONFAB IN THE MORNING, SAY OVER BREAKFAST?

- FINE.

- THAT IS, IF IT ISN'T A PROBLEM

TO SET AN EXTRA PLATE.

- WHAT COULD BE A PROBLEM FOR LITTLE MISS PERFECT?

- WELL, GOOD.

GEORGE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN.

- I DIDN'T.

- WELL, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

WALK A WEARY TRAVELER TO HIS CAR?

- I MIGHT DO THAT FOR MY BOYFRIEND

BUT NOT MY BABYSITTER.

- DO YOU EVER GET THAT EERIE SENSE OF--

OF DEJA VU?

IT'S LIKE I HEARD ALL THESE THINGS BEFORE.

- MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WROTE THEM IN YOUR DIARY.

- OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.

WELL, GOODNIGHT.

MY DIARY?

- HERE. TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

- OH, STEPH, THERE'S A SIMPLE EXPLANATION.

MY, UH, MY PEN SLIPPED.

JOANNA, I-- I HOPE YOU UNDER...

STAND. YOU DON'T.

GEORGE, OH BUDDY, I KNOW I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BAD

ABOUT YOU IN HERE.

- SO, YOU ADMIT IT!

- I'M SORRY.

OH, DICK.

THOSE THINGS I SAID...

- MICHAEL, PLEASE DON'T APOLOGIZE.

I DIDN'T EVEN...

- IT WAS ONLY IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT

THAT I CALLED YOU "THE HUMAN TRANQUILIZER."

- I AM NOT THE LEAST...

"THE HUMAN TRANQUILIZER"?

YOU CALLED ME "THE HUMAN TRANQUILIZER"?

- DICK, IT WAS ONLY AFTER THAT ONE SHOW.

OKAY, TWO SHOWS.

BUT THEY WERE RIGHT IN A ROW.

- GET OUT! OUT!

- DICK!

OUT!

- I HAVE ENCOUNTERED WILDLIFE.

- SKUNK, RIGHT?

- EWW! ICK! PEW, PEW, PEW!

ICK! ICK!

PEW, PEW, PEW!

- SO, WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

- UH, IF IT'S THE SAME TO YOU,

WHY DON'T WE SERVE BREAKFAST TO YOU

ON THE-- ON THE BACK PORCH?

THAT WAY THE PIGEONS WILL LAND RIGHT-- RIGHT ON YOUR PLATE.

- REALLY?

BOY THIS VACATION JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

Stephanie: ICK! PEW, PEW!

- SURE HOPE NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS TO HIM.

THEN AGAIN, I WANT HIM TO ENJOY HIMSELF.

- MAY-- MAY I COME IN?

- WHAT DO YOU WANT, MICHAEL?

- WELL, WE DID SET A MEETING TO TALK ABOUT SUNDAY'S SHOW.

IF WE DON'T PICK A GUEST,

YOU'LL WIND UP INTERVIEWING AN EMPTY CHAIR.

NOT THAT YOU COULDN'T PULL THAT OFF.

- I JUST WANNA GET THIS OVERWITH.

- WELL, HERE ARE THE TEN BEST PEOPLE

I-- I FOUND ON MY TRIP.

IT'S SORT OF MY OWN PERSONAL "TEN MOST WANTED" LIST.

( chuckling )

I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT TOO, DICK.

STEPH, IS THAT YOU OR JUST A LIFE-SIZE EDITION OF VOGUE?

( spitting )

DICK DO I HAVE TO TAKE THIS FOOD TO MR. KELLMAN?

HE SMELLS.

- I'LL TAKE IT.

ONE SKUNK IS AS BAD AS ANOTHER.

- MICHAEL, YOU SEARCHED THE STATE FOR FOUR DAYS

AND CAME BACK WITH A MAN

WHO DOES HAND SHADOWS OF VICE PRESIDENTS?

- HE'S PRETTY GOOD, DICK.

- I DON'T WANT HIM.

- I DON'T BLAME YOU.

- MICHAEL, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAT?

- WELL-- WELL THANK YOU, JOANNA.

THAT-- THAT WOULD BE VERY KIND.

- OOPS, LITTLE MISS PERFECT MISSED THE HAT RACK.

MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT?

- NO.

- WATCH OUT. HEADS UP.

GANGWAY.

- OW!

- WELL, I SAID "WATCH OUT."

- WHAT IS-- WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT THIS ACROBAT?

- HE'S 92 YEARS OLD.

HE'S KIND OF AN INSPIRATION, DICK.

- WHAT KIND OF TRICKS CAN HE DO?

- WELL, NOT MANY,

BUT HE COMES WITH HIS OWN MATS.

- NO. - HE'S OUT.

- MICHAEL, MY GOODNESS.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, GEORGE.

BETTER SAT ON - OW!

THAN THAT.

DICK, UH, FORGET THE LIST.

WHO-- WHO WOULD YOU LIKE ON THE SHOW THIS WEEK?

- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THAT GEOLOGIST.

- WELL, WHY NOT?

SAY GOODBYE TO STEPHANIE FOR ME.

- DON'T FORGET YOUR HAT.

- I NEVER WILL.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, DICK.

I-- I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL--

SOON.

- OH NO. HE'S GONE?

- HE JUST LEFT.

- DAMN. I RELOADED FOR NOTHING.

ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE HIM?

THE MAN IS FILTH.

- DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE TOOK MY CHAIR?

SAT RIGHT DOWN IN IT

WHILE THE CUSHION WAS STILL WARM.

WHAT A SNEAK!

- HE'S AN OPPORTUNIST.

HE'S A MANIPULATOR.

HE'S...

BUG SPIT.

- NOW, WE'RE-- WE'RE GETTING CLOSE

TO CROSSING A LINE HERE.

I MEAN, DON'T-- DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- YEAH. WE'RE TRASHING MICHAEL.

- AND IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PITCH IN, BUTT OUT.

- COME ON. HE-- HE CALLED US NAMES BECAUSE HE WAS ANGRY AND--

AND WE'RE DOING THE SAME THING.

WELL, NOT-- NOT ME.

I MEAN, MICHAEL IS A REAL VICTIM HERE.

WE STOLE HIS DIARY.

WELL, NOT-- NOT-- NOT ME.

- WELL, I READ IT BUT I CERTAINLY DIDN'T STEAL IT.

- WELL, NEITHER DID I.

( music playing )

( doorbell rings )

- DICK, JOANNA,

CUPCAKE.

( doorbell rings )

SO, WHAT-- WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

DID YOU THINK OF SOME MORE STUFF TO DO TO ME?

- STEPHANIE HAS SOMETHING SHE--

SHE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU

FOR-- FOR ALL OF US.

- OH, POOH.

- THERE'S MORE.

- MICHAEL, AFTER YOU LEFT

WE STARTED TO SAY A LOT OF BAD THINGS...

WHERE'S THE PICTURE OF ME IN BLUE?

IT WAS MY NINTH FAVORITE.

- I-- I TOOK IT DOWN.

- TOOK IT DOWN?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL A BLOCK OUT OF THE PYRAMIDS?

- UH, STEPHANIE, YOU WERE-- YOU WERE SAYING?

- I DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANOTHER THING.

AFTER THIS, MICHAEL AND I ARE EVEN.

- WELL, MAYBE-- MAYBE I CAN EXPAND

ON STEPHANIE'S THEME HERE.

AFTER YOU LEFT...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- CUPCAKE CORNER. - AH.

ANYWAY, AFTER-- AFTER YOU LEFT WE--

WE WERE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU.

WELL, NOT-- NOT-- NOT ME.

BUT WE WERE-- WE WERE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS

BECAUSE WE-- WE-- WE WERE ANGRY.

WELL, NOT-- NOT-- NOT-- NOT ME.

THE-- THE POINT IS THAT,

I MEAN, EVERYONE IS GUILTY OF HARBORING BAD THOUGHTS

ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE.

- BUT-- BUT NOT YOU.

- IN-- INCLUDING ME.

- YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT ME.

- I HAVE BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.

- ( chuckling ) COME ON, DICK.

YOU DON'T HAVE IT IN YOU.

- I'M CHOCK-FULL OF BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU.

- NAME ONE.

- MICHAEL, I-- I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOU NAMES.

- SEE?

YOU DON'T HAVE IT IN YA.

- YOU'RE SHALLOW, OKAY?

- "SHALLOW"?

I-- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT.

- JOANNA CALLED YOU--

HONEY, WHAT-- WHAT DID YOU CALL HIM?

- MANIPULATOR, OPPORTUNIST, UH...

- SHALLOW?

- I CALLED YOU A SNEAK.

- DICK, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.

- DID YOU HEAR WHAT GEORGE SAID?

A SNEAK.

AND-- AND YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD WHAT STEPHANIE SAID.

- JOANNA CALLED YOU "BUG SPIT."

- STEPHANIE!

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I CALLED YOU "FILTH."

- WOW.

"SHALLOW"?

WELL, THANKS EVERYBODY.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME A NEW GOAL FOR MY BOARD.

"FIND REASON TO LIVE."

- MICHAEL, WILL YOU STOP FOR A SECOND AND-- AND LISTEN TO ME?

"GET CHUMMY WITH SINATRA"?

WE, UH, WE CAME HERE TO-- TO APOLOGIZE.

- APOLOGIZE? WHY SHOULD YOU APOLOGIZE?

- BE-- BE-- BECAUSE WE READ YOUR DIARY.

THOSE WERE YOUR PERSONAL, PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

I WAS WRONG TO HAVE PERSONAL THOUGHTS.

- EVERYONE HAS PERSONAL THOUGHTS.

ALL-- ALL YOU DID WAS-- WAS WRITE THEM DOWN.

- I'M SORRY. I'LL BURN THE DIARY.

- MICHAEL, IT-- IT WAS WRONG OF--

OF-- OF US TO--

TO READ

YOUR

DIARY.

- LET ME SEE IF I'M FOLLOWING THIS.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE WRONG?

- MORALLY WRONG.

- THEN I'M RIGHT. - YES.

- MORALLY RIGHT.

- I THINK WE FINALLY STRUCK BRAINS.

- SO, IN OTHER WORDS, WHAT I'M ENTITLED TO FEEL HERE

IS A KIND OF...

OUTRAGE?

- MORAL OUTRAGE.

- WELL ALL RIGHT.

GET OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!

- MICHAEL! - COME ON, DON'T TALK.

JUST GO. OUT! SCRAM!

BEAT IT!

DICK, HOW LONG DOES ONE REMAIN MORALLY OUTRAGED?

- SIX DAYS. - RIGHT. GET OUT!

- WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU FOLKS.

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHAKING HANDS IS OUT.

- HERE'S YOUR RECEIPT, AND DOC PHIPPS SAYS

IF YOU'LL JUST STOP BY ON YOUR WAY OUT OF TOWN,

HE'LL BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU THAT RABIES SHOT.

- WELL, THANKS AGAIN, AND REST ASSURED

I'LL BE TELLING EVERYONE I KNOW ABOUT THE STRATFORD INN.

- YEAH, HE'LL BE A WALKING ADVERTISEMENT FOR THIS PLACE.

( music playing )

( music playing )