Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

- MAYOR DODDS, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT YOU PLAN

TO SUPPORT THE DEVELOPMENT OF STONEY RIDGE WOODS?

- NOPE.

- OH. GOOD.

( canned laughter throughout )

- I JUST SUPPORT CUTTING DOWN ALL THE TREES

AND SELLING THE LUMBER.

- MAYOR DODDS, WE ELECTED YOU

BECAUSE YOU PROMISED NOT TO DO ANYTHING.

Man: YEAH.

- NOW, CHESTER, I DON'T THINK I NEED TO STAND UP HERE

AND POINT OUT HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE.

WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO GAIN HERE.

THE STONEY RIDGE PROJECT WILL BRING IN LOTS OF REVENUE

AND SOME OF THE MOST FUN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, LOGGERS!

- I-- I'M DICK LAUDEN.

MY WIFE AND I OWN THE STRATFORD INN

AND A LOT OF THE TOURISTS WHO STAY THERE

COME UP FOR THE-- FOR THE FOLIAGE.

YOU CAN'T HAVE FOLIAGE WITHOUT TREES.

Heckler: I DISAGREE!

- UM, MAYBE YOU PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE THE--

THE BEAUTY OF THIS AREA BUT MY WIFE AND I ARE FROM--

FROM NEW YORK AND THEY'VE CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES THERE.

- TOURISTS STILL COME TO NEW YORK, DON'T THEY, DICK?

- NOT FOR TREES.

- AH-HA!

SO YOU DON'T NEED TREES FOR TOURISTS.

THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT, DICK.

- JIM AND I USED TO PLAY IN THOSE WOODS

WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

YOU'RE NOT JUST CUTTIN' DOWN TREES,

YOU'RE CUTTIN' DOWN MEMORIES.

- CHESTER, AREN'T MEMORIES EVEN MORE PRECIOUS

WHEN YOU'RE REMEMBERING SOMETHING THAT'S GONE?

- BOY, THIS GUY'S GOOD.

- I THINK IT'S TIME I SPOKE UP.

( clears throat ) I'M GEORGE UTLEY.

I'VE LIVED IN THIS TOWN ALL MY LIFE.

I WENT TO SCHOOL AT ASHTON ELEMENTARY.

Heckler: I DISAGREE !

- GEE, I NEVER GOT STATIC ON THAT BEFORE.

- WELL, IF NO ONE HAS ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY,

THIS MEETING IS NOW...

- EXCUSE ME. HI.

I'M LARRY, THIS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

THIS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

WE USED TO LIVE IN THEM WOODS,

AND THEY WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT TREES.

I MEAN, WHERE ARE THE BIRDS GONNA PARK IT?

YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE AWAY YOUR ROBINS,

YOUR CROWS, YOUR MEADOWLARKS.

- SIR...

- I BELIEVE I HAVE THE FLOOR.

YOUR BLUE JAYS, YOUR SPARROWS, AND LET'S NOT FORGET

YOUR FINCHES, THE MOST TASTY OF THEM ALL.

( applause )

- WELL, MEETING ADJOURNED.

I DO HOPE YOU'LL ALL REMEMBER THE NAME "DODDS"

WHEN YOU'RE VOTING TWO WEEKS FROM TUESDAY.

( chuckling )

- WE GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY

TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.

- YEAH, I NOMINATE CHESTER.

- JIM... - OH, COME ON.

YOU WERE MAYOR ONCE BEFORE

AND YOU WERE GREAT. YOU DIDN'T DO A THING.

- THANKS.

BUT I PROMISED MY WIFE I WOULDN'T RUN AGAIN.

KEEPING THINGS FROM HAPPENING CAN TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.

- YOU THINK JOANNA WOULD LET YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?

- OH, I'M-- I'M SORRY.

I'M MUCH TOO BUSY.

- TOO BAD. YOU'D HAVE MADE A GOOD ONE.

Heckler: I DISAGREE!

- HI, MICHAEL.

- AND FRIEND.

- AW!

Stephanie: MICHAEL, IS THAT YOU?

- ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?

Joanna: THE CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

- I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS NOW,

BUT YOU CAN KEEP TALKING ABOUT ME IF YOU WANT TO.

- GET READY FOR THE BIGGEST "AW" YET.

- OH. A CUTE...

ADORABLE, ATTENTION-GRABBING PUPPY.

- OH, SHE'S SO FRIENDLY AND SOFT.

- AND SUCH PRETTY COLORS.

- NOT UNLIKE MY NEW SWEATER.

- IT'S CUTE, STEPH.

LOOK AT THOSE EYES.

- DOES A PERSON HAVE TO HAVE A WET NOSE

TO GET SOME ATTENTION AROUND HERE?

- LOOK AT THAT LITTLE WET NOSE!

- MICHAEL!

IS THAT CUDDLY LITTLE CREATURE YOURS,

AND WHAT'S ITS LIFE EXPECTANCY?

- THIS IS JULIET, MY FRIEND BRUCE'S DOG.

I'M TAKING CARE OF HER

WHILE HE LOOKS FOR AN APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.

- OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE MOVIES,

YOU'D BETTER STICK HER IN A DRAWER OR SOMETHING.

- CHANGE OF PLANS, SENORITA BONITA.

I THOUGHT WE'D GO ON A SHOPPING SPREE INSTEAD.

( Stephanie squeals )

THEY'RE HAVING A SQUEAK-PAW SPECTACULAR

AT THE HOUSE OF BOWWOW.

I WANT TO GO TO THE VET'S AND BUY SOME VITAMINS,

AND I'LL HAVE TO BUY SOME NEWSPAPER

SO SHE CAN STAY ON TOP OF CURRENT EVENTS.

- MICHAEL, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

- OH, FINE. WELL, I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT

AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.

- BOY, THAT SURE IS A CUTE PUPPY.

- SHUT UP, GEORGE.

- I GUESS I HAD THAT COMING.

- HI. I'M LARRY.

- I KNOW.

YOU'RE LARRY, DARRYL, AND DARRYL.

- RIGHT!

WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND IF HE'S DECENT.

'COURSE, DARRYL HERE DON'T CARE EITHER WAY.

- DICK?

- HI, GUYS. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WE'RE HERE TODAY AS THREE OF THE GREAT UNWASHED.

- RE-- REALLY?

- WE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT SAVING STONEY RIDGE WOODS.

- WHAT WE HAVE TO FIND IS

SOMEONE WHO WILL RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.

I'VE CALLED EVERYBODY IN TOWN AND NOBODY WANTS TO RUN.

- OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

- LARRY, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT--

THAT YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?

- YOU SAID NO ONE ELSE WOULD DO IT.

- THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE I HAVEN'T CALLED.

- WHY BOTHER?

YOU AGREED WITH EVERYTHING I SAID

AT THE MEETIN' LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?

- YEAH, EXCEPT MAYBE WHICH BIRD IS THE TASTIEST.

WELL, THE POINT IS, I DON'T THINK YOU'D--

YOU'D STAND A CHANCE OF WINNING.

- I GOT A BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING VOTES

THAN IF NOBODY RAN.

- MAYBE.

- WELL, THAT'S ALL WE NEED TO HEAR.

COME ON, DARRYL, LET'S GET OUR TOOLS.

I READ SOMEWHERE A CANDIDATE

SHOULD PUT TOGETHER A PLATFORM.

- DICK, IS IT TRUE LARRY, DARRYL, AND DARRYL

ARE RUNNING FOR MAYOR?

( chuckling ) - DON'T BE SILLY.

JUST LARRY.

- WELL, WE FOUND SOMEBODY ELSE

TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.

- YEAH, SOMEBODY WHO SHAVES.

- ME. - GREAT.

- SO, DICK, DO I HAVE YOUR ENDORSEMENT?

- ALL THE INFLUENCE THAT GOES WITH IT.

- WANNA HEAR MY SLOGAN?

- SURE.

- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."

- CATCHY.

- I WROTE IT.

- WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT, DICK.

OH, AND WHAT'S OUR BATTLE CRY?

- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."

- IT'S LIKE A COLE PORTER LYRIC.

Michael: JULIET! WHEREFORE ART THOU, JULIET?

( chuckling )

- OH, WHAT A CUTE PUPPY.

( falsetto ) - MY NAME IS JULIET.

- SMART, TOO.

- HERE, DICK. SCORE SOME POINTS WITH THIS.

( squeaking )

- OH, THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY.

( chuckling )

- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUR CAR.

OH BOY. CUJO'S BACK.

( squeaking )

- STEPH, GREAT NEWS.

MY FRIEND BRUCE FOUND AN APARTMENT.

- OH, WELL!

GOODBYE, JULIET. I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.

- YOU BET YOU WON'T, STEPH. THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

THE LANDLORD WON'T LET HIM HAVE PETS SO JULIET IS--

IS MINE FOREVER.

( squeaking )

- OH, THESE ARE GLAD TIDINGS.

BUT, MICHAEL, DON'T YOU... GIVE ME THAT!

MICHAEL, DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE

DISCUSSED THIS FIRST?

- I'M SORRY, STEPH. I-- I COULDN'T HELP IT.

JUST LIKE I-- I COULDN'T HELP GETTING THIS.

- OH, MICHAEL!

IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

- WAIT'LL YOU SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON.

SAY HELLO TO JULIET HARRIS.

- MICHAEL, SO FAR I'VE KEPT MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF,

BUT I REFUSE TO SHARE YOUR AFFECTIONS

WITH THIS FLEA CIRCUS.

NOW, YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO MAKE, FUR OR FLESH.

- WHOA.

TORN BETWEEN TWO MAMMALS.

- HI. I'M CANDIDATE LARRY.

- YEAH, I-- I RECOGNIZE EVERYBODY.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE MY CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?

- LARRY-- LARRY, THERE'S SOMETHING...

- IF ANYONE'S STILL STRADDLIN' THE FENCE

AFTER THAT, WE GOT THESE.

- "LARRY AND DICK LAUDEN, TWO MEN, ONE MIND."

LARRY, I-- I THINK THAT SHOULD BE TWO MEN "OF" ONE MIND.

- OH.

I WISH YOU'D SAID SOMETHING EARLIER.

DARRYL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEND

THE REST OF THE DAY CHASIN' CARS.

- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

GUYS, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

CHESTER WANAMAKER HAS DECIDED TO RUN FOR MAYOR

AND SINCE HE FEELS THE SAME WAY WE DO ABOUT THE WOODS,

NOW THAT HE'S RUNNING, YOU CAN DROP OUT OF THE RACE.

- NO WAY.

I GOT A BETTER CHANCE TO WIN THAN HIM.

I GOT SOMETHIN' HE AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAVE, YOUR ENDORSEMENT.

- UH, LARRY...

WHAT-- WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS I'VE--

I'VE GIVEN CHESTER MY ENDORSEMENT.

- WELL, OKAY, BUT IT KIND OF DILUTES

THE SIGNIFICANCE IF YOU ENDORSE THE BOTH OF US.

- LARRY, I-- I ONLY ENDORSED HIM.

I-- I-- I NEVER ENDORSED YOU.

- ONE DAY IN POLITICS,

AND ALREADY I'VE BEEN STABBED IN THE BACK.

- IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THIS CRA--

CRAZY FEELING THAT CHESTER HAS A--

A BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING.

- WHY?

- WELL, A MAYOR HAS TO INSPIRE CONFIDENCE.

HE HAS TO BE A SKILLED ADMINISTRATOR.

HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND THE-- THE INTRICACIES OF--

OF RUNNING A COMMUNITY.

- THAT'S ME IN A NUTSHELL.

- LARRY, DROP OUT OF THE RACE.

- NO, SIR.

THEM WOODS WAS MY HOME AND NO ONE CAN DEFEND THEM

BETTER THAN ME.

- LARRY, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET HURT.

- HOW CAN ANYTHING HURT

WORSE THAN A KNIFE IN THE BACK?

COME ON, DARRYL.

LET'S GO SHAKE SOME BABIES.

- GUYS...

KISS BABIES.

- SURE, SET US UP FOR ANOTHER FALL.

- HI, GEORGE. - CHESTER.

- THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH MY SPEECH, DICK,

ESPECIALLY FOR THE OPENING JOKE.

- WHAT OPENING JOKE?

- OH, AT THE "MEET-- MEET THE CANDIDATES" DEBATE TONIGHT,

CHESTER IS GOING TO SAY, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'VE COME HERE TONIGHT TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

NOT THAT I COULDN'T STAND UP WITHOUT IT."

( laughing )

CHESTER!

I'LL CATCH HIM BEFORE HE GOES ON.

- DID YOU TELL THE JOKE RIGHT,

OR IS IT JUST NOT FUNNY?

- GEORGE, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HELP CHESTER

WHEN I HAVE ALL THIS GUILT ABOUT LARRY.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I BETRAYED HIM.

Larry: HI, I'M LARRY.

VOTE FOR LARRY.

SAVE THE TREES.

DON'T STAY AT STRATFORD INN.

- APPARENTLY, HE FEELS THE SAME WAY.

HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.

- IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA MISS LARRY.

- NOT-- NOT "MISS" MISS. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE--

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A MOLE REMOVED, YOU KNOW,

YOU NEVER REALLY WANTED IT

BUT YOU-- YOU KIND OF MISS THE BUMP.

- HI, ALL.

I'VE GOT MY PUPPY BUT IS MY KITTEN AROUND?

- I HATE TO ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT,

BUT STEPHANIE'S UPSTAIRS.

- STEPH!

- OH, WE'RE GOING TO "MEET THE CANDIDATE"

DEBATE TONIGHT.

ARE YOU AND STEPHANIE GOING?

WHAT-- WHAT AM I SAYING?

- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU

NOT TO COME BACK UNTIL YOU'D DUMPED THE OTHER WOMAN.

- DON'T WORRY, STEPH.

SHE'S GOT ONE PAW OUT THE DOOR AS WE SPEAK.

I'M PASSING FLIERS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

TRYING TO FIND HER A HOME,

SO IF YOU COULD JUST WATCH HER FOR AWHILE.

- YOU'RE LEAVING HER HERE?

- STEPH, I CAN'T TAKE HER WITH ME.

I THINK SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.

- MICHAEL!

- BYE, GIRLS.

- MICHAEL!

LOOK, I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO,

SO JUST SIT THERE AND KEEP YOUR YAP SHUT.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.

I INVENTED IT.

AND YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

IT GOES LIKE THIS.

LOOK, JUST PLAY WITH YOUR SILLY TOY

AND STOP BOTHERING ME.

OH, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.

COME ON, JULIET.

( squeaking )

OH, YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

I'LL BET YOU THINK I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.

( squeaking ) HA HA! FOOLED YOU.

WHERE DID IT GO?

UH-OH! THERE IT IS.

( squeaking ) JULIET,

THAT'S OUR GIRL.

WHOSE ITTY BITTY DOGGIE ARE YOU?

( clears throat )

- I'M BACK.

SO HOW DID-- HOW DID YOU TWO GET ALONG?

- NOBODY GOT BITTEN.

- YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE.

WELL, I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE.

IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT ONLY MAN

CAN CUT TREES DOWN WITH POWER SAWS.

NOW, GOD HAS DONE HIS PART.

I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME WE DID OURS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

( applause )

- GEORGE!

- OH, SORRY.

BOY, THAT GUY CAN REALLY TAMPER WITH YOUR MIND.

- GOOD EVENING. I'M CHESTER WANAMAKER.

( applause )

DICK LAUDEN WROTE ME A REAL FUNNY OPENING JOKE

BUT HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL IT.

BUT MAYBE NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO LAUGH.

THE SURVIVAL OF STONEY RIDGE WOODS IS AT STAKE.

NOW, I KNOW MONEY IS IMPORTANT TO ALL OF US.

HECKLER: I DISAGREE!

- WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT TO THE REST OF US.

BUT I FOR ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE THE GREEN OF THE LEAF

THAN THE GREEN OF THE DOLLAR.

( applause )

- DITTO.

( applause )

DARRYL THINKS I SHOULD EXPAND ON THAT.

DARRYL AND I USED TO HAVE

A BUSINESS CALLED "ANYTHING FOR A BUCK."

WELL, THERE'S SOME THINGS YOU DON'T DO

FOR TWICE THAT AMOUNT.

YOU DON'T DESTROY THINGS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL.

IF YOU KEEP DEVELOPING THE LAND,

YOU LOSE WHAT DREW PEOPLE TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SOME THINGS CAN'T BE IMPROVED UPON,

THINGS LIKE THE FIRST SOUND A BABY MAKES,

THINGS LIKE DARRYL'S FETTUCCINI ALFREDO,

AND STONEY RIDGE WOODS.

THE MAN UPSTAIRS'LL TAKE CARE OF THEM BABIES,

AND DARRYL WILL KEEP AN EYE ON THAT FETTUCCINI,

BUT IT'S UP TO US TO PROTECT THEM WOODS.

THANK YOU.

( applause )

MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE SO DOWN-TO-EARTH.

I MEAN, HOW MANY CANDIDATES AREN'T AFRAID TO SAY

"I DON'T KNOW."

- I DON'T KNOW. - YEP.

( bell jingling )

- I, UH, I GUESS YOU HEARD THE--

THE ELECTION RESULTS.

- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?

WE AIN'T PARTYIN' YET, ARE WE?

- WELL? WHO WON?

- LARRY...

( horns blaring )

( all cheering )

WAIT! WAIT, WAIT! WAIT!

WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE!

HE-- YOU DIDN'T WIN.

( celebration noises fade out )

- HE DIDN'T?

- CHESTER WON.

- WELL, DOES THAT COUNT ABSENTEE BALLOTS?

I'M REAL BIG WITH SERVICEMEN OVERSEAS.

- LARRY, IT'S-- IT'S OVER.

- DARN.

- BUT-- BUT THE WOODS WERE SAVED

AND I THINK YOUR SPEECH HAD-- HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

- WHICH ONE?

"DITTO" OR THE WORDY ONE?

- PROBABLY A COMBINATION.

BUT I THINK YOU CAMPAIGNED ADMIRABLY,

EXCEPT FOR SHAKING A FEW BABIES.

- WELL, WHAT WAS THE VOTE ANYWAY?

- GEE, I-I-- YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,

UH EXACTLY,

SOMETHING LIKE 419 TO... 321...

TO AROUND FIVE.

- WELL, IS THAT SECOND-PLACE FELLA

IN THIS ROOM?

HOW "AROUND FIVE" WAS IT?

- THREE.

- THREE?

JUST A SECOND.

YOU VOTED FOR ME, AND I VOTED FOR ME...

THERE'S A BENEDICT DARRYL HERE.

WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU IT IS,

I GUESS BLOOD ISN'T AS THICK AS YOUR HEAD.

- LARRY-- LARRY, ONE-- ONE MORE VOTE WOULDN'T--

WOULDN'T HAVE PUT YOU OVER THE TOP.

- I GUESS THAT'S IT.

PEOPLE HAVE JEERED.

HOW COME I ONLY GOT THREE VOTES?

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

- JUST THAT YOU HAVE THIS CERTAIN IMAGE

THAT FOR SOME REASON DIDN'T-- DIDN'T FIT WITH "MAYOR."

- WHAT IS MY IMAGE?

- I THINK PEOPLE THINK OF YOU AS MORE A--

A RESTARAUNTEUR.

- OH, YOU WANT A BURGER? - NO!

I-- I ON THE OTHER HAND, I THINK OF YOU AS...

- YES?

- ...A FRIEND.

- HUH.

I GUESS I WON SOMETHING AFTER ALL.

I GUESS THAT'S IT.

GUESS IT'S TIME FOR MY CONCESSION SPEECH.

HI. I LOST.

OKAY, LET'S PARTY.

- LOOK AT THAT.

EVEN IN DEFEAT, HONEST, DIRECT, CONCISE.

I SAY WE REALLY MISSED OUT.

( horns blaring )

- MICHAEL!

LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR JULIET.

IT'S A SQUEAKING HOT DOG.

( squeaking )

WHERE IS SHE?

- BAD NEWS, STEPH.

MY FRIEND BRUCE FOUND AN APARTMENT...

- NO! - YES. THEY TAKE PETS.

BRUCE PICKED JULIET UP ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO.

- AND YOU JUST LET HER GO?

- STEPH, MY HEART'S ALREADY BEEN RIPPED

INTO KIBBLES AND BITS.

WE'VE GOTTA LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

NO MORE WALKING HER THREE TIMES A DAY.

- NO MORE GETTING FUR ALL OVER MY DRESS.

- AND BEST OF ALL, WE'VE STILL GOT EACH OTHER.

- OH, MICHAEL.

( squeaking )

( crying )

( theme music playing )

Man's voice: MEOW.