Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

- HI. I'M LARRY, THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARRYL.

- HI. HI, GUYS. WHAT'S-- WHAT'S UP?

- WE'RE RETURNING YOUR CHAINSAW.

- OH, THANKS.

WHERE-- WHERE IS IT?

- OH, DEAR. WE MUST'VE LEFT IT AT THE CAFE.

DARRYL?

AND DON'T BE PLAYIN' "LET'S SEE IF IT'LL CUT THIS"

ON THE WAY BACK.

I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I JUST WANTED TO GET RID OF DARRYL

SO WE COULD BE ALONE.

- UH, WHY?

- I'M GOIN' BACK TO SCHOOL.

- OH.

- I'M PROBABLY NOT AS EDUCATED AS YOU THINK I AM.

TRUTH IS, I QUIT HIGH SCHOOL PREMATURELY ...

BEFORE I EVER GOT IN.

I WAS AFRAID I WASN'T HIGH SCHOOL MATERIAL.

- WHAT-- WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

- EARL.

- WHO'S-- WHO'S EARL?

- A CONTESTANT ON JEOPARDY.

HE LOST BIG. HE CHANGED MY LIFE.

- HOW?

- WELL, I WOULD'VE CREAMED HIM BY THREE POINTS.

THAT INSPIRED ME TO SIGN UP

FOR THIS HIGH SCHOOL EQUIVALENCY REFRESHER COURSE.

THE TEST IS IN TWO WEEKS.

- WELL, A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.

WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- COVER FOR ME WITH MY BROTHERS.

I DON'T WANT 'EM TO KNOW I'M IN SCHOOL.

- WELL, I'D THINK THEY'D BE PROUD OF YOU.

- YOU'D BE WRONG.

THEY KIND OF FROWN ON HIGHER EDUCATION,

LIKE WHEN I DREW TIPPY THE TURTLE

TO TRY TO GET INTO THAT SEND-AWAY ART SCHOOL,

THEY CALLED ME "UPPITY."

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON THE BUSINESS END

OF THEIR BITING SARCASM.

WELL, HEH, MAYBE A COUPLE OF TIMES.

- WELL, IF-- IF THE DARRYLS COME AROUND,

I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR ME.

- OOOH, YOU'RE SLICK!

BUT WATCH OUT.

DARRYL CAN PRY THE TRUTH OUT OF A STONE.

DID YOU GET THE CHAINSAW?

DID YOU LOOK EVERYWHERE?

WELL, WHERE IN TARNATION...

WELL, I'LL BE!

I HAD IT HERE ALL ALONG.

WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

ALREADY THE ZINGERS ARE FLYIN'.

( music playing )

- DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW VERMONT TOUR GUIDE?

THEY TOOK AWAY ONE OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.

- NO KIDDING.

- LAST YEAR WE WERE A THREE-MAPLE-LEAF INN.

THIS YEAR WE'VE ONLY GOT TWO.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

WE'VE BEEN DEFOLIATED.

WE CAN'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.

- WE CAN GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY

BREAKING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES

AND DRAWING MAPLE LEAVES IN THEIR BOOKS.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

- FINE, DICK.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO

TO OUR TWO-MAPLE-LEAF KITCHEN AND WHIP UP A CROCK OF SWILL.

- HI. HI GUYS.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE PROBABLY-- PROBABLY LOOKING FOR LARRY.

UH, AS HE MAY HAVE MENTIONED TO YOU, HE'S--

HE'S WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR ME.

WELL HE IS.

IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S FOR A BOOK.

AS YOU KNOW, I'M A WRITER.

WELL, I AM.

I'M DOING A BOOK ON UFOS IN NEW ENGLAND

AND I HIRED LARRY TO PHOTOGRAPH THE UFOS.

THEY-- THEY COME OUT AT NIGHT...

MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, AND FRIDAYS...

BETWEEN EIGHT AND TEN.

YOU'RE PROBABLY-- PROBABLY WONDERING WHY

I DIDN'T ASK YOU TWO TO HELP OUT.

THAT'S-- THAT'S BECAUSE UF-- UFOS ARE--

ARE TERRIFIED OF TRIOS.

( door closes )

( music playing )

- HONEY, I KEPT THINKING ALL NIGHT

ABOUT THE WAY THE VERMONT TOUR GUIDE

ROBBED US OF A MAPLE LEAF, AND I'VE WRITTEN A LETTER.

- "DEAR SIRS, WITH ALL RESPECT,

WE BELIEVE YOUR REVIEW OF OUR INN IS UNFAIR.

NEXT TIME YOU HIRE A CRITIC,

CHECK FIRST TO SEE IF HE'S BRAIN-DEAD."

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- YOU HAVEN'T MAILED THIS YET, HAVE YOU?

- NO.

- GOOD, 'CAUSE I HAVE A FEW NOTES.

- I DICTATED IT OVER THE PHONE AS A MAILGRAM.

- THEN I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD.

- IS THAT A CHIP IN THAT CUP?

- YEAH.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YEAH"?

WE CAN'T HAVE A DINING ROOM FULL OF DAMAGED CROCKERY.

IS THAT A CRACK?

- NO, NO! IT'S FINE.

- MISS, THIS CANTALOUPE ISN'T RIPE.

- I'M A WAITRESS, NOT A BARTENDER.

DON'T TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.

( clattering )

- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WAY

STEPHANIE JUST TREATED THAT GUEST?

- WELL, IT DIDN'T COME AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE.

- EXCUSE ME, I HATE TO INTERRUPT,

BUT ONLY TWO POSITIONS

OF OUR THREE-WAY LIGHT BULB ARE WORKING.

- MY GOD, THIS PLACE IS A FLOPHOUSE!

- MORNING, EVERYBODY.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY.

- GEORGE, I WANT YOU TO REPLACE

THE THREE-WAY LIGHT BULB IN ROOM SEVEN,

RE-TACK THE CARPETING ON THE STAIRS,

AND FLUSH OUT ALL THE RADIATORS SO THEY DON'T KNOCK.

- BOY, A DAY CAN SURE TURN ON YOU FAST.

- AND, STEPHANIE, AFTER BREAKFAST,

I'LL HAVE A LIST OF CHORES FOR YOU

FOLLOWED BY A DISCUSSION OF YOUR BEING RUDE TO THE GUESTS.

- HE STARTED IT!

- I'M GONNA GIVE THIS WHOLE INN THE ONCE-OVER.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

- HI. HI GUYS.

WHAT'S-- WHAT'S UP?

"UFOS AND YOU."

WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT?

"UFOS HAVE BEEN SPOTTED BY AS FEW AS ONE

AND AS MANY AS TEN THOUSAND PERSONS."

AH, AND-- AND I SAID THEY WERE AFRAID OF TRIOS.

WELL, THEY-- THEY ARE.

IT'S ONLY THAT MAGIC NUMBER THREE THAT SPOOKS 'EM.

"THIS FAMILY OF THREE

WAS TAKEN FOR A RIDE ON A UFO."

WELL, YOU CAN'T COUNT THE BABY.

IT HAS-- HAS TO BE THREE ADULTS.

"THREE ANGRY STEELWORKERS..."

WELL, NOW STEELWORKERS...

OKAY, HE'S GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL. OKAY?

- PSST!

WERE THEY TRYIN' TO DETERMINE MY NOCTURNAL WHEREABOUTS?

- YEAH.

- WELL, I REALLY WANNA THANK YOU MORE THAN EVER

FOR KEEPIN' MY SECRET

'CAUSE IF THEY KNEW WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT,

THEY'D BE ON ME LIKE DROOL ON A BABY.

- WHAT-- WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

- I QUIT SCHOOL.

- "UFOS ARE AFRAID OF TRIOS"?

IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?

- YEAH.

- WELL, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD.

THOSE TWO COULD GET RAMBO TO BABBLE.

- LOOK, LARRY, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

WHY-- WHY'D YOU QUIT SCHOOL?

- WELL, IT STARTED OFF GOOD ENOUGH.

I WAS SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED

TO FIND A PIECE OF COMPLIMENTARY GUM UNDER MY SEAT.

NEXT THING I KNOW, EVERYBODY'S LAUGHIN' AT ME,

SO I HIGHTAILED IT.

I CAN GET THAT KIND OF TREATMENT FROM DARRYL.

- THAT'S NO REASON TO QUIT.

- ON TOP OF THAT, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE LESSON.

IT'S CLEAR TO ME MY BRAIN DON'T TAKE UP

THE FULL SPACE MY HEAD HAS ALLOTTED.

- LARRY,

SUPPOSE I TUTOR YOU?

- NO WAY. NOT IF THAT MEANS WHAT I THINK IT DOES.

- IT MEANS I'LL HELP YOU STUDY

AND GET THAT HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

- OH. OKAY.

- STEPHANIE?

- JOANNA, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WAX,

DUST, OR POLISH ANYTHING ELSE.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE

BUT I'M ALMOST TIRED OF GAZING AT MY OWN REFLECTION.

- I'M SORRY BUT THE PORCH LANTERNS ARE TARNISHED.

- THEY'RE ANTIQUES!

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK YUCKY.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.

- THE EARTH IS MADE UP OF SEVEN CONTINENTS,

EUROPE, ANTARCTICA, ASIA, AFRICA, AUSTRALIA,

NORTH AMERICA, AND SOUTH AMERICA.

- HOW'LL I GONNA CRAM ALL THIS INTO ONE TEMPORAL LOBE.

- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LUCKY I'M HERE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I CAME UP WITH A LITTLE TRICK.

"EAT AN ASPIRIN AFTER A NIGHT-TIME SNACK."

I CAN EXPLAIN.

- DICK, IS THIS A GOOD TIME

TO SAND, STAIN, VARNISH, AND WAX THE FLOOR?

- NO, GEORGE.

- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO WALLPAPER THE BATHROOM THEN.

STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.

- LARRY, IT'S THE INITIALS.

EACH LETTER STANDS FOR A CONTINENT, EUROPE,

ANTARCTICA,

ASIA,

AFRICA,

AUSTRALIA,

NORTH AMERICA,

SOUTH AMERICA.

- DO YOU SUPPOSE MISS JOANNA'D BE FREE TO TUTOR ME?

- LARRY, GIVE IT A CHANCE.

- DARRYL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

MY LUNCH.

THANKS.

MMM, SMELLS...

ALL RIGHT, GET OUT.

YOU HAD YOUR FUN.

- WHAT IS IT?

- TURTLE SOUP, AN OBVIOUS REFERENCE

TO THE TIPPY INCIDENT.

( music playing )

- OH, DICK COULD YOU HELP ME

LOOK AT THESE FABRIC SWATCHES FOR THE JAMES MADISON ROOM?

- HONEY, CAN IT WAIT?

LARRY'S AT SCHOOL TAKING HIS TEST

AND I FEEL LIKE AN EXPECTANT FATHER.

I JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T COME BACK WITH A BOUNCING BABY "F."

- IS THAT ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT?

GRADES, GRADES, GRADES?

WE'VE GOT MAPLE LEAVES TO WORRY ABOUT.

- LARRY, HOW'D YOU DO?

- WELL, TEACHER DID SAY HE WAS GRADIN' ON A CURVE,

BUT SINCE I ANSWERED ZERO OUT OF A HUNDRED,

I EXPECT TO WIND UP CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM.

DANG.

AT LEAST ON JEOPARDY I WOULD'VE COME HOME

WITH SOME LOVELY PARTING GIFTS.

- YOU FAILED?

BUT YOU KNEW THE MATERIAL WHEN WE TALKED IT THROUGH.

- YEAH, DOIN' IT THAT WAY

SEEMED TO COME AS NATURAL AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR TOES,

BUT WHEN I TRIED TO WRITE,

NONE OF THAT KNOWLEDGE MADE IT TO MY PENCIL.

- COME ON. I WANNA TALK TO YOUR TEACHER.

- ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING TO UPSET HIM.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HURT MY GRADE.

( music playing )

- LARRY, YOU-- YOU WAIT HERE.

- HI, I'M-- I'M DICK LAUDEN.

- PAUL STUBIN.

- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT LARRY'S TEST.

I'M HIS TUTOR.

- OH, REALLY?

OH, YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

- I-- I WONDER IF YOU'D CONSIDER

GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

HE KNOWS THE MATERIAL.

WE WENT OVER IT RATHER CONVERSATIONALLY

AND THAT COMES AS NATURAL TO HIM AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR...

IT COME-- IT COMES REAL NATURAL TO HIM.

- I'M SORRY. I CAN'T TEST HIM TWICE.

WE HAVE RULES.

- WELL, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BEND THE RULES

FOR SPECIAL STUDENTS.

TAKE EINSTEIN.

( snickers ) - JUST A MOMENT.

ARE YOU COMPARING LARRY WITH EINSTEIN?

- WELL, I-- I WOULDN'T WANT LARRY

WORKING WITH SUBATOMIC PARTICLES.

I MEAN, EINSTEIN DIDN'T FIT INTO THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM

AND NEITHER DOES LARRY.

- YOU CLAIM HE KNOWS THE MATERIAL?

- HEY, I'M HIS TUTOR.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL RETEST HIM.

- UM, ORALLY?

- ALRIGHT. ORALLY.

- ONE MORE THING.

UH, COULD YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE JEOPARDY?

- JEOPARDY?

- THE-- THE GAME SHOW.

THAT'S THE ONE WHERE THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWER

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM THE-- THE QUESTION.

- OH, WHAT THE HECK?

IT'LL BE A GREAT STORY FOR THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.

- LARRY, COME ON DOWN.

- OKAY, LARRY. I'M GONNA RE-TEST YOU ORALLY.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER, BUT...

- OH, LIKE JEOPARDY.

I'LL TAKE "FOREST CREATURES" FOR 100.

( clears throat ) - UM, THIS IS MY CLASSROOM.

I'LL PICK THE CATEGORIES.

AMERICAN HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY, MATHEMATICS,

SCIENCE, AND LITERATURE.

- I'LL TAKE "AMERICAN HISTORY"

FOR 200, PAUL.

- THIS-- THIS IS REALLY NICE OF YOU.

- ALL RIGHT. AMERICAN HISTORY FOR 200.

"EVENT COMMEMORATED EVERY DECEMBER 7TH."

- WHAT IS "18 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS"?

- NO, NO. I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR.

- HE WAS SORT OF RIGHT.

- "SORT OF RIGHT"

DOESN'T WIN ON JEOPARDY, MR. LAUDEN.

- WHAT IS THE COTTON GIN?

- CORRECT FOR 500.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S RECAP.

SO FAR, LARRY, YOU HAVE A BORDERLINE D AVERAGE.

YOU GET THE NEXT ONE RIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE A C MINUS,

BUT IF YOU MISS

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEND YOU HOME EMPTY-HANDED.

ARE YOU READY, LARRY?

- READY, PAUL.

- THE CATEGORY IS SCIENCE FOR 500.

HERE IS YOUR ANSWER.

"THREE THINGS THAT PLANTS AND ANIMALS CAN DO

THAT NON-LIVING THINGS CANNOT."

- WHAT IS GOIN' FROM HERE TO THERE?

- MOVEMENT! THAT'S CORRECT.

- WHAT IS CHOWING DOWN?

- NOURISH THEMSELVES. CORRECT! ONE MORE, LARRY.

- WHAT IS PARTYING?

- OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

THE CORRECT QUESTION IS "WHAT IS REPRODUCTION."

- I SAID "PARTYING."

- ONE-- ONE MAN'S PARTYING IS ANOTHER MAN'S REPRODUCTION.

- I'M SORRY, LARRY, BUT YOUR FINAL GRADE IS AN F.

BUT WE THANK YOU FOR COMING.

YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD SPORT.

GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.

- WAIT. WAIT, UH, WHAT-- WHAT ABOUT FINAL JEOPARDY?

- FINAL JEOPARDY?

- YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I CAN TURN AN F INTO A DIPLOMA

BY BETTIN' THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX ON ONE QUESTION.

- YOU CAN?

- LOOK, WE-- WE DIDN'T MAKE UP THESE RULES.

- OKAY.

OKAY, THE CATEGORY IS GEOGRAPHY.

- HMM.

- ALL RIGHT, LARRY, FOR A D

AND A HIGH SCHOOL EQUIVALENCY DIPLOMA,

YOUR ANSWER IS...

...THE NAMES OF THE SEVEN CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD.

- OH, WAIT. I KNOW THIS ONE.

"TAKE AN ASPIRIN?"

"CHEW A PILL"?

IT AIN'T COMIN'.

WELL, THIS AIN'T LIKE FINAL JEOPARDY AT ALL.

( clock ticking )

ALL RIGHT.

"EAT A PILL"?

"STARVE A FEVER"?

- THIS HAS TO STOP SOON.

I NEVER WORE OUT A HAMMER BEFORE.

- MY ONLY PLEASURE IS IMAGINING

THAT EVERY STROKE OF THE RAG

IS PUTTING ANOTHER LINE ON JOANNA'S FACE.

- ACTUALLY, THAT'S HOW I WORE OUT THE HAMMER.

( door opens )

- AS LONG AS YOU TWO ARE HIDING IN THERE,

THE FLOOR NEEDS SCRUBBING

AND THE FLUE IS STUCK IN THE FIREPLACE.

Stephanie: YES, NURSE RATCHED.

- EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU MRS. LAUDEN?

- YES, CAN I HELP YOU?

- YEAH, WELL, I'M ALAN WOODALL,

THE REVIEWER FOR THE VERMONT TOUR GUIDE.

I BELIEVE YOU KNOW ME AS "BRAIN DEAD."

- WELL, MR. WOODALL, YOU DID TAKE AWAY

ONE OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.

- I DID?

- HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.

TWO MAPLE LEAVES.

- YEAH, THAT'S TWO MAPLE LEAVES ALL RIGHT.

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR INN.

THAT'S THE PARK & SNOOZE.

- HUH?

- YEAH, YOU SEE?

YOU WERE READIN' THE WRONG COLUMN.

HERE, LOOK. LOOK.

"THE PARK & SNOOZE: TWO MAPLE LEAVES.

THE STRATFORD, THREE MAPLE LEAVES."

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

- YEAH. WHO'S GOT DEAD BRAINS NOW?

- OH, MR. WOODALL, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

PLEASE STAY HERE TONIGHT, OUR TREAT, FREE.

- NO THANK YOU.

THERE'S A FOUR-MAPLE-LEAF INN DOWN THE ROAD.

( laughing )

- HI, HONEY. - DICK, LARRY, HOW'D IT GO?

- HI.

I'M LARRY, HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.

- LARRY!

CONGRATULATIONS.

- THANKS.

SORRY I COULDN'T REMEMBER THEM SEVEN CONTINENTS YOUR WAY.

I CAN ONLY SEEM TO LEARN THEM IN DESCENDING ORDER

OF GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT.

DARRYL, I WON'T KEEP YOU TWO HANGIN' ON MEAT HOOKS.

I PASSED.

- OH, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS TOO.

IT TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN READING THE VERMONT TOUR GUIDE

ALL WRONG. WE HAD THREE MAPLE LEAVES ALL ALONG.

- WELL, THANK GOODNESS

YOU DIDN'T GET ALL WORKED UP OVER IT.

( clanking )

( gasps ) - I'D BETTER TELL GEORGE AND STEPHANIE.

AT LEAST THEY WON'T HAVE TO DO ANY MORE WORK.

- IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU FELLAS HAVE SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME.

BUT WHAT IF I'D FAILED?

- WELL, I TOLD THEM.

I MUST SAY, THEY BOTH TOOK IT BETTER

THAN I EXPECTED THEY WOULD.

( theme music playing )

Man's voice: MEOW.