Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

- HI.

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

- DICK.

DARTS.

- YEAH. YEAH, I FINALLY FOUND THEM.

THOSE ARE THOSE CUSTOM-MADE, HAND-TOOLED BABIES

I USED TO USE IN COLLEGE WHEN I WAS THE COLLEGE CHAMPION.

CHAMPION-SLASH-LEGEND.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I HUNG THESE BABIES UP,

I WAS UNDEFEATED.

NOW I'M NEEDED AGAIN.

FOR WHAT? - OH, THIS COMING THURSDAY

THE STATION IS HAVING A BIG DART TOURNAMENT.

TOURNAMENT-SLASH-MASSACRE.

- AFTERNOON, STAR.

STAR'S BETTER HALF.

WHERE'S THAT LITTLE BLONDE I LIKE TO CALL "STEPHANIE"?

- SHE'S IN THAT LITTLE PLACE

WE LIKE TO CALL "HER ROOM."

- STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE.

- DICK, I'M SETTING UP TEAMS FOR THE DART TOURNAMENT.

ARE YOU ANY GOOD?

WHOA! BULLS-EYES BEWARE.

- DICK WAS A CHAMPION IN COLLEGE.

- DICK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY

IF I TEAMED YOU AND YOURS TRULY ON THE SAME TEAM

WITH BEV DUTTON, THE HEAD CHEESE AT WPIP?

- I'D SAY, "ARE YOU AND BEV LUCKY."

- MICHAEL! GUESS WHAT.

JOANNA AND I ARE GOING TO THE GRAND OPENING

OF THAT NEW FRENCH RESTAURANT ON THURSDAY.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO DRESS UP AND BE SEEN WITH ME.

- OUCH.

THE STATION'S ANNUAL DART TOURNEY IS THURSDAY.

- BUT, MICHAEL,

A GRAND OPENING HAPPENS ONLY ONCE.

ANNUAL THINGS ARE, LIKE, EVERY YEAR.

- BUT THIS IS BUSINESS, STEPH,

AND YOU HAVE JOANNA TO GO WITH.

WE CAN DATE EVERY NIGHT RIGHT UP TO THE BAD ONE.

- WELL, I'LL TRY THAT,

BUT YOU'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

- THEN, RETRACT LIP.

LET'S GET OUT THERE AND DATE!

- YOUR TURN, BEV.

- I LOVE THESE TOURNAMENTS.

THE ONE TIME OF YEAR

WE CAN DROP THE "EMPLOYER-EMPLOYEE" THING

AND JUST GET TOGETHER LIKE OLD FRIENDS.

EIGHTY-FIVE!

EIGHTY-FIVE, BUD.

READ IT AND WEEP, BOZO.

WE'RE GONNA SMOKE THEIR BUTTS.

- LET'S NOT GET COCKY, BEV.

LET'S JUST LEAVE THEM FOR DEAD.

- HEY, DICK, THOSE LOOK NEAT.

CAN I USE 'EM TOO?

- OH, I'M SORRY, J.J.

THESE ARE SPECIALLY BALANCED FOR MY HAND.

- FINE, DICK.

WHY DON'T WE ALL ACT LIKE WE'RE FOUR

AND NOT SHARE OUR TOYS?

Bud: WHAT'D YA GET, DICK?

- UH, FIFTEEN.

- EXACTLY WHICH TEAM DID YOU PLAN TO LEAVE FOR DEAD?

- FIFTEEN?

- I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S WRONG.

- DICK, DICK, MAYBE YOU'RE TOO TENSE.

- YOUR TURN, MICHAEL.

- OH, YEAH. SURE.

SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, DICK,

I WANNA SEE SOME RELAXING AND I WANNA SEE IT NOW.

- HOW'D YOU DO, MICHAEL?

- OH, UH...

128.

- GEEZ, THAT'S OVER 100 MORE THAN DICK.

- MICHAEL, MICHAEL,

WE'RE GONNA MOP UP THE FLOOR WITH THEIR HEADS!

- WAIT-- WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE.

I-- I-- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I-- I'VE NEVER WORN A JACKET LIKE THIS

BEFORE PLAYING DARTS.

OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THAT'S--

THAT'S-- THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

THE JACKET WAS-- WAS THE CULPRIT.

THE SHIRT WAS THE CULPRIT.

- TWENTY?

- IF HE SAYS HIS SHORTS ARE THE CULPRIT, I'M LEAVING.

Michael: STEPH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, THAT STUPID RESTAURANT CANCELED ITS GRAND OPENING.

- STEPHANIE, THE PLACE CAUGHT FIRE.

- POOR STEPH.

- WHEN YOU LEFT THE HOUSE,

YOU HAD CLOTHES ON, RIGHT?

- JOANNA, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND DARTS.

( singsong ) - I'M READY, LET'S GO.

- GO? BUT THIS IS KIND OF IMPORTANT

AND YOU SAID I COULD HAVE TONIGHT OFF.

- THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD NOTHING TO DO.

- MICHAEL, IT'S YOUR TURN.

- UH, WE'LL GO SOMEPLACE

AS SOON AS THE TOURNAMENT IS OVER.

- MICHAEL, YOU WANT ME TO WAIT?

IN A BASEMENT WHERE PEOPLE ARE PERSPIRING?

WE'RE LEAVING.

- BUT, STEPH, I'M A HERO.

DICK WENT TO PIECES AND I'M CARRYING THE DAY.

- MICHAEL, HOW DOES THE THOUGHT OF DATING AIR

SOUND TO YOU?

- THANKS, EVERYBODY. I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

Bud: MICHAEL!

IT'S AMAZING HE THROWS DARTS SO WELL

WITH NO SPINE.

( knocking )

- TAA-DAA!

- VERY GOOD, GEORGE.

- YEAH, I THOUGHT BULLS-EYES WERE GONNA BE HARD TO GET,

BUT WITH THESE DARTS OF YOURS, YOU CAN'T MISS.

UNLESS YOU'RE--

UNLESS YOU'RE REAL GOOD LIKE YOU.

- WERE YOU-- WERE YOU THROWING FROM THE REGULATION DISTANCE?

SEVEN FEET, NINE AND A QUARTER INCHES?

- WELL, SEE, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

I MUST'VE BEEN THROWING 15 FEET.

I'LL GO BACK AND DO IT RIGHT.

OH, AND JOANNA ASKED ME TO REMIND YOU

THAT IT'S ATTIC CLEANING DAY.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

YOU MEAN, I COMPLETELY MISSED "ATTIC CLEANING EVE"?

- HI, GEORGE.

DICK, GOT A MINUTE? - NO.

BECAUSE YOU LEFT LAST NIGHT,

I LOST MY FIRST DART TOURNAMENT IN 17 YEARS

AND-- AND THEN I HAD TO LISTEN TO A TAUNTING CROWD CHANT

"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT ALL OFF!"

- I KNOW, DICK. I'M-- I'M SORRY.

- YOU'RE WHAT? - I'M SORRY.

I BEHAVED BADLY AND I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES.

- ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU

AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MICHAEL?

- DICK, I WAS MAD

WHEN STEPH MADE ME LEAVE THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT

BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY.

THEN, IN THE RESTAURANT WHEN THE CHAMPAGNE TICKLED HER NOSE

AND SHE WENT "OOH!"

ALL I COULD THINK WAS, "I'M NOT LIKING YOU."

DICK, I'M SCARED.

I MEAN, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN I--

I DIDN'T LIKE HER DRESS,

AND THERE WERE FOUR HUMID DAYS

WHERE I DIDN'T LIKE HER HAIR,

BUT I'VE NEVER NOT LIKED HER.

- WELL, MAYBE THE--

THE FIRST STEP IN GETTING TO LIKE STEPHANIE AGAIN

IS NOT LETTING HER WALK ALL OVER YOU LIKE--

LIKE LAST NIGHT.

- WELL, WHAT COULD I DO?

SHE WAS STAMPING HER SIZE-FOUR FOOT.

- SO?

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN JOANNA STAMPS HER GUNBOATS?

- FIRST, IT ISN'T LIKE JOANNA TO--

TO STAMP HER "GUNBOATS,"

AND IF SHE DID, THEN I'D HAVE TO

BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER.

- GEE, DICK.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WANT TO BE YOU BEFORE.

- HONEY, I COULD USE YOUR HELP IN THE ATTIC.

- NOT JUST NOW, DEAR.

- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING THIS OFF FOR MONTHS.

WE REALLY SHOULD GET ON IT.

- I SAID, "NOT NOW."

GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN!

SORRY, MICHAEL. I USUALLY TRY TO DO THAT IN PRIVATE.

- DICK, IF I SAID THAT TO STEPH,

SHE'D LEAVE ME AND TAKE MY TONGUE WITH HER.

BUT I GUESS I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.

- "GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN"?

- OKAY, LET'S HIT THAT ATTIC, SWEETHEART.

- STEPH?

- MICHAEL!

- STEPH, YOU AND I HAVE TO TALK.

- YES, MICHAEL?

- BEFORE WE DO, COULD YOU KISS ME AGAIN?

NO GOOSEBUMPS.

- WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY BUNCHED UP

UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES.

( Michael chuckling )

ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE THEY?

- STEPH, I'M REALLY SORRY

BUT EVER SINCE YOU MADE ME LEAVE THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT,

I'M HAVING TROUBLE LIKING YOU.

- WELL, YOU'RE FORGIVEN.

- STEPH, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU RUN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND I DON'T LIKE IT...

I THINK.

- WELL, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A CRITICISM,

AND IF IT IS THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN OUT THERE

WHO WOULD LOVE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

- THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING

I'M TALKING ABOUT, PRETTY MUCH.

IF I DON'T DO WHAT YOU WANT, YOU THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.

I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THAT.

- OKAY, THIS IS DEFINITELY A CRITICISM.

MICHAEL, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME

WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.

NOW, YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS

TO REWORD EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID INTO A COMPLIMENT.

- I CAN'T.

- YOU'RE UPSET. TAKE ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS.

- STEPH, YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME ANY CHOICE.

I CAN'T KEEP ON BEING WITH YOU AND LOVING YOU AND...

NOT LIKING YOU.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

( somber music playing )

- YOU CERTAINLY SEEM BETTER.

- WELL, CAN'T WALK AROUND GRIEVING.

MISERY REALLY AGES A FACE.

YOU SHOULD REMEMBER THAT, JOANNA,

BUT I AM STARTING TO LOSE PATIENCE WITH MICHAEL.

IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS.

IF HE DOESN'T CALL PRETTY SOON,

THIS RELATIONSHIP'S IN BIG TROUBLE.

- STEPHANIE, YOU TWO BROKE UP.

ISN'T THAT SORT OF THE SUBURBS OF TROUBLE?

- MORNING.

- SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBURBS.

- JOANNA.

STEPHANIE.

- GOOD MORNING, MICHAEL.

- STEPH?

- YES, MICHAEL?

- COULD YOU RETURN MY JULIO IGLESIAS ALBUM?

JOANNA, IS DICK IN HIS OFFICE?

- YES. - THANKS. SEE YA.

( door opens, closes )

- WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO.

- STEPHANIE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM.

- JOANNA, WHEN HE IGNORES ME

AND DEMANDS CUSTODY OF JULIO, WELL, IT'S OVER.

STARTING TONIGHT, I'M DATING AGAIN.

( door slams )

- HAS-- HAS STEPHANIE GONE?

- SHE'S OUT ON THE PORCH. WHY?

( Michael crying )

- OH!

( Michael crying )

WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME STEPH WOULD BE HERE.

- MICHAEL, SHE LIVES HERE.

- OH, MICHAEL, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

- I CAN'T!

- BUT, UH, MISERY AGES A FACE.

Stephanie: JOANNA, I NEED A MAN'S OPINION

ON HOW PRETTY I LOOK.

WHERE'S DICK?

- HE MET MICHAEL FOR LUNCH

AND THEN HE WENT TO THE STATION FOR THE SHOW.

- IS THIS SUNDAY ALREADY?

LET'S SEE, PAUL, JERRY, KEN, BILL, HABIB.

IT IS SUNDAY!

- YOU LIKE ANY OF THOSE GUYS?

- WELL, KEN WAS NICE,

BUT HIS HIGHEST ASPIRATION IS TO BUY A PICKUP TRUCK

AND EQUIP IT WITH REALLY BIG TIRES.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT NONE OF THEM ARE...

- MICHAEL?

( knocking )

- MAYBE PATRICK WILL BE DIFFERENT.

HE'S AN ARTIST.

I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING PAINTINGS OF MYSELF

IN THE MAJOR MUSEUMS.

- HI, STEPHANIE.

- ROSES.

HOW ORIGINAL.

JOANNA, THIS IS PATRICK.

- HELLO.

- HELLO.

- WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

- FINE.

- THIS IS A NEW DRESS.

- LOOKS NEW.

- OH, STOP.

THAT'S A VERY NICE SHIRT.

- OH, THANKS. IT BELONGED TO MY BROTHER.

HE WAS ON A DIET,

SO HE GAVE ME ALL HIS FAT CLOTHES.

- SO, PATRICK, I HEAR YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

- WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- YOU SAID YOU WERE A PAINTER.

- WELL, I USED TO PAINT HOUSES,

BUT THAT WAS NOWHERE.

NOW I SELL PAINT, WHICH IS AN ART IN ITSELF.

YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE BUY PAINT?

I MEAN, ASK THE LAYMAN, HE'D SAY THE COLOR.

WRONG.

IT'S THE NAME OF THE COLOR.

I MEAN, THE MORE "PS" IN A PAINT'S NAME,

THE BETTER IT SELLS.

- WELL, WE'D BETTER GO.

- WHERE TO?

- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A TELEVISION STATION?

- AH!

( music playing )

- OKAY, WE OPEN THE SHOW WITH SOME YAKKETY-YAKKETY,

THEN GO TO A DIAGRAM OF THE ANTEATER'S LAIR,

THEN WE TROT OUT THE STUFFED ANTEATER,

AND WE CLOSE WITH SOME BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

- YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS SMART

TO BUILD TO THE "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

J.J., RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING, I WANT A CAMERA ON THE...

- UH, TEN SECONDS TO AIR, DICK.

- WHAT? - NINE, EIGHT...

OH, MY MISTAKE, DICK.

THIRTY SECONDS TO AIR.

I LOVE DOING THAT TO HIM.

HE ALWAYS MAKES THE SAME FACE.

HEY, THE STUFFED ANTEATER ISN'T ON THE STAGE.

- HEY, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WANT THAT ANTEATER.

- NOW, BUD.

AND WE'RE ON IN THREE, TWO, ONE, AND NAPTIME EVERYBODY.

Announcer: AND NOW "VERMONT TODAY"

STARRING DICK LAUDEN, WITH TODAY'S GUEST,

ANTEATER EXPERT FRANCINE MAURHOFFER.

- CUE, DICK.

Dick: FRANCINE, YOU'RE A VERMONT NATIVE.

HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED

IN OUR LONG-NOSED FRIEND FROM THE SOUTH?

Francine: WELL, DICK, WE HAVE ANTS IN VERMONT,

SO FIRST I BECAME...

- PATRICK, WHY DON'T YOU WAIT HERE

AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE NEED TO CONTINUE THIS DATE?

- I'LL WAIT THERE BY THAT PAPAYA PINK WALL.

SEE, THREE "PS"!

- MICHAEL, I WANT YOU TO STOP THIS BREAKUP NONSENSE.

Francine: ...I MIGHT ADD...

- STEPH, YOU'RE WILLING TO COMPROMISE?

- MICHAEL, MY PART OF THE COMPROMISE IS I'M HERE;

YOUR PART IS THAT EVERYTHING GOES BACK

TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.

Dick: LET'S ZOOM IN ON THIS DIAGRAM

AND WE CAN ALL SEE HOW ANTEATERS LIVE.

- STEPH, I CAN'T GO BACK.

YOU'LL JUST...

WHO'S THE GUY IN THE HAND-ME-DOWNS?

- HE HAPPENS TO BE A RESPECTED ARTIST.

IGNORE HIM.

Dick: I SAID, "LET'S ZOOM IN."

- J.J., DICK NEEDS HIS ZOOM OR SOMETHING.

- OH, UH, CAMERA ONE, ZOOM IN ON THE DIAGRAM.

- MICHAEL,

I'VE MISSED YOU.

HAVEN'T YOU MISSED ME?

- WELL, SURE, STEPH.

IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME

LIP-SYNCING TO "WESTSIDE STORY" WITHOUT MY MARIA.

BUT I DON'T MISS THE WAY THINGS WERE.

- OH, YOU ARE JUST THE MOST STUBBORN MAN.

Dick: NOW THAT WE'VE TAKEN

A GOOD, LONG LOOK AT THE DIAGRAM,

LET'S FOCUS ON FRANCINE'S STUFFED ANTEATER.

OKAY, WHERE'S THE ANTEATER?

- SO, THIS THING EATS ANTS.

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A FAIR FIGHT.

- MICHAEL,

THERE'S GOT TO BE A COMPROMISE

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ME.

- AFRAID NOT, STEPH.

Dick: NOW THAT THE ANTEATER'S HERE,

IT'S EXACTLY AS YOU DESCRIBED IT.

I'M SURE THE HOME AUDIENCE WOULD AGREE,

IF WE EVER SHOW IT ON CAMERA.

- THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE THE ANTEATER.

- OH, AND THEY WON'T. WE HAVE TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.

CUE, DICK.

Dick: WHAT?

WELL, WE'LL BE BACK WITH "WITH THE ANTEATER"

AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

- AND ROLL COMMERCIAL.

- WHAT IS THIS?

I BUSTED MY TAIL TO GET YOU AN ANTEATER.

THERE WAS NO RUSH!

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP HERE?

- IF YOU DON'T MIND, DICK,

MICHAEL AND STEPHANIE ARE TRYING TO PATCH IT UP.

- I DON'T CARE! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.

DIRECT THE SHOW!

- ANYTHING YOU SAY, DICK.

- MICHAEL, WILL YOU HURRY UP

AND STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT?

MY ANTEATER SHOW IS FALLING TO PIECES.

- I CAN'T, DICK. SHE WON'T BUDGE A SKOOCH.

- STEPHANIE, WHY WON'T YOU BUDGE A SKOOCH?

- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST...

MICHAEL, REMEMBER THAT LITTLE RED CONVERTIBLE

YOU LOVED SO MUCH

AND THEN YOU GOT A SCRATCH ON IT SO YOU UNLOADED IT?

WELL, IF I BACK DOWN IT--

IT'S KIND OF THE SAME AS HAVING A SCRATCH.

- OH, STEPH, I'D NEVER UNLOAD YOU.

I'D JUST LIKE YOU TO COME WITH A FEW MORE OPTIONS.

- MICHAEL, NOW I KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU.

YOU ARE THE SWEETEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

NOW, WHAT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO TO GET YOU BACK,

AND I MEAN THE VERY LEAST.

- LET ME BE SELFISH SOMETIMES,

LIKE IF YOU REALLY WANT ITALIAN

AND I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT CHINESE,

WE GO FOR CHINESE.

- WHAT IF I REALLY, REALLY WANT ITALIAN?

- THEN WE COUNT "REALLYS."

- DEAL.

THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.

- STEPH.

- MORE?

- WHEN WE DON'T AGREE ON SOMETHING,

YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.

- CAN I STILL GET MAD AND POUT AND GO ON BUYING BINGES?

- WELL, NATCH!

I NEVER ASKED TO HAVE YOU DECLAWED.

- WELL. OKAY.

BUT THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

PATRICK, GO HOME.

- THANK YOU. I HAD A-- I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.

- OH, STEPH.

- DICK, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A SHAMBLES IN MY LIFE.

WHAT KIND OF A SHOW ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- ME? NO ONE IN THE CONTROL BOOTH WAS PAYING ATTENTION.

- SURE. AND AT THE DART GAME YOU BLAMED YOUR SHIRT.

- REALLY! J.J. WAS...

- UH, FIVE SECONDS, DICK.

( chuckling ) - I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN.

BEV, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN HERE WHO'S DOING HIS JOB.

Announcer: AND NOW, BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY."

ONCE AGAIN...

( theme music playing )

man's voice: MEOW.