Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( singing )

- OH-HOH!

FOR SOMEBODY FACING A TOUGH NEGOTIATION WITH HIS BOSS,

YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING CHIPPER.

- WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE I'VE COME UP

WITH A SURE-FIRE STRATEGY ON HOW TO GET WHAT I WANT.

HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.

YOU BE BEV AND YOU PLAY THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.

- ALL RIGHT.

- BEV, I'D LIKE A MICROWAVE FOR MY DRESSING ROOM.

- IN A PIG'S EYE, BOZO.

- IT'S MORE LIKE HER TO SAY, "IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK."

- IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK.

- AH-HAH! YOU TOOK THE BAIT.

I DON'T WANT A MICROWAVE.

- THEN WHY DID YOU ASK FOR ONE?

- BEV, BEV, BEV, YOU ARE SO NAIVE.

WHEN SHE TURNS ME DOWN, SHE'LL BE CONSUMED WITH GUILT.

THEN I ASK HER FOR WHAT I REALLY WANT,

NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.

HER ONLY ANSWER CAN BE, "WHAT COLOR AND HOW SOON?"

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE READY FOR ANYTHING, HONEY.

- EH, BRING ON THE MIDDLE EAST.

- I JUST PULLED OFF WHAT COULD BE

THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE IN HISTORY.

YOU KNOW HOW STEPHANIE IS ALWAYS SO WORRIED

ABOUT HER WEIGHT?

I TURNED HER SCALE UP TWO POUNDS.

- YOU DIDN'T?

- YOU KNOW, GEORGE,

I MEAN, THAT ALMOST BORDERS ON THE CRUEL.

( laughing )

- WOULD ANYONE KNOW IF THERE'S BEEN AN INCREASE

IN THE EARTH'S GRAVITATIONAL PULL LATELY?

- NOT THAT I'VE HEARD.

DICK?

- THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE NEWS.

- WHY?

- JUST ASKING.

( giggling )

- AND YOU TWO ARE TERRIBLE.

( screaming )

- AND SINCE THERE'S NOTHING I ENJOY AFTER A SHOW

MORE THAN A PIPING HOT DISH OF TATER TOTS,

I'D REALLY LIKE A MICROWAVE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

- OKAY.

- WHAT?

- WE'RE GETTING A NEW MICROWAVE FOR THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE

SO I CAN LET YOU HAVE THE OLD ONE.

WELL, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE?

- ACTUALLY, WHAT I REALLY WANTED

WAS NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.

- C'MON, I JUST GAVE YOU A MICROWAVE.

- BEV, DISASTERVILLE ON THE SET.

PETE WAS ABOUT TO GO ON THE AIR

AND THE BOOM MAN HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.

PETE'S ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL

BUT, DON'T WORRY, THE MIC'S OKAY.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

WE DON'T HAVE A HOST FOR THE SHOW?

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M IN A POSITION

TO DO THE STATION A REAL FAVOR.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT COLOR CARPET AND HOW SOON?

- BEIGE AND YESTERDAY.

- WELL, C'MON, DICK, WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP THE KIDS WAITING.

- KIDS?

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A CHILDREN'S SHOW.

- IT'S NOT YOUR TYPICAL KID VID. THIS ONE'S REAL SOPHISTICATED.

- MICHAEL, DRESSING LIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH

IS NOT MY IDEA OF SOPHISTICATION.

- NO TIME TO TALK, DICK.

NOW EVERYTHING'S ON CUE CARDS.

- IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO--

( music playing )

- AHOY, MATIES.

SHIVER ME TIMBERS IF IT ISN'T TIME

FOR PIRATE PETE'S "CARTOON LAGOON."

NOW IT DOESN'T TAKE A SPYGLASS

TO TELL THAT I'M NOT PIRATE PETE.

I'M LONG JOHN LOUDON, HIS SCURVY COUSIN.

IF I COULD INTERJECT SOMETHING HERE,

PIRATE PETE IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND I'M SURE HE'D APPRECIATE

ANY CARDS OR LETTERS YOU MIGHT SEND HIM.

BUT NOW ON WITH THE FUN ME BUCKOS.

HAR.

HARR.

HAAAGHH.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?

PERCH?

OH!

OH, PERCH, HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?

I AM FINE, LONG JOHN.

GOOD.

WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIL.

LET'S HOIST UP OUR NET AND SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

HARRR.

"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I CAN'T WAIT TO GROW UP

"AND PLUNDER AND PILLAGE THE HIGH SEAS JUST LIKE YOU."

I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK, MELISSA.

REMEMBER, ME HEARTIES,

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE US HERE AT SEA,

YOU'LL NEED ONE OF PIRATE PETE'S OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.

THEY KEEP YOUR LETTER BONE DRY AND THEY'RE ONLY-- $5.95?

- THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, DICK.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE STOLEN.

I'D BETTER PUT IT FOR SAFE-KEEPING

IN MY TRUSTY TREASURE CHEST,

WHICH YOU KIDS CAN HAVE FOR ONLY $39.95.

OH, C'MON!

- LEAD INTO THE CARTOON, DICK.

- AND NOW, MATIES, IT'S TIME FOR A ROWDY ROOSTER CARTOON.

LET'S WATCH.

Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.

- MICHAEL, THAT IS THE MOST REPREHENSIBLE

CHILDREN'S SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S JUST ONE LONG VULGAR SALES PITCH.

- VULGAR?

THERE ARE SOME DAMN FINE CARTOONS.

- THAT DUCK WAS JUST FORCE-FED A STICK OF DYNAMITE.

( explosion )

- WHAT DUCK, DICK?

- MICHAEL.

- SORRY, DICK, YOU'RE ON AGAIN.

DOING A COMMERCIAL.

- A COMMERCIAL? THAT'S A CHANGE OF PACE.

- CUE DICK.

( music playing )

- WE'RE BACK.

NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE LATEST IN FUN

FROM OUR VERY GOOD FRIENDS AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY SHOP.

YOU KNOW, KIDS,

PIRATING IN THE '80S

DEMANDS A MODERN APPROACH.

THE ANNIHILATOR 5000.

- OW!

- I'M SORRY, LIONEL.

LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I CAN'T RECOMMEND THIS TO CHILDREN.

I COULDN'T EVEN RECOMMEND IT TO A MARINE.

- DICK, STICK WITH THE CARDS.

- PARENTS, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED

TO LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH THIS SHOW.

LET 'EM READ A BOOK, GO OUT AND PLAY,

WATCH FRUIT RIPEN, ANYTHING BUT THIS.

- AND NOW BACK TO OUR WONDERFUL CARTOON.

Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.

- ALL RIGHT, DICK, DON'T WORRY.

WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL DO SOME SWIRLY EFFECTS

AND WE'LL TELL THE KIDS IT WAS A DREAM SEQUENCE.

Bev: DICK, MICHAEL, TO MY OFFICE, NOW!

- OF COURSE, THAT WON'T FOOL HER.

- HELL, GUYS, THE SWITCHBOARD IS LIT UP WITH CALLS

SAYING PIRATE PETE IS A RIP-OFF.

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON OUT THERE?

- IT'S NOT MY FAULT, BEV.

I HAD EVERYTHING WRITTEN DOWN ON CUE CARDS

BUT THEN DICK HAD TO GO PAY ATTENTION

TO WHAT HE WAS READING.

- I'M PROUD OF WHAT I DID.

THAT SHOW WAS JUST A BUNCH OF SALES PITCHES,

OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED BY AN EXPLODING DUCK.

I MEAN, THAT MAN IS GETTING RICH OFF INNOCENT CHILDREN.

- PETE'S NOT RICH.

- HE'S NOT?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THOSE MESSAGE BOTTLES AND TREASURE CHESTS?

- DICK, THIS IS A TINY STATION WITH A TINY AUDIENCE.

EVEN WITH THE PROMOTIONAL ITEMS,

WE PAY PETE ABOUT AS MUCH AS WE PAY YOU.

- OH, MY GOD.

- AND NOW HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL

AND THE CREW IS SAYING HE DOESN'T HAVE INSURANCE.

- OH, MY GOD.

( phone ringing )

- YES?

IT'S THE STATION OWNER.

HELLO?

- I'M NOT SORRY THAT I SPOKE UP

BUT MAYBE I'LL STOP BY THE HOSPITAL

AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT THE POOR GUY NEEDS.

- WELL, DICK, AS LONG AS YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING HIM ANYWAY,

COULD YOU TELL PETE ONE MORE THING?

HE'S CANCELED.

- GOD, IT'S HUMILIATING BEING FAT.

AS I RAN THROUGH TOWN, PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME

LIKE SOMETHING THEY'D TRIM OFF MEAT.

- STEPHANIE, ABOUT THIS WEIGHT THING.

- I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH BEING IMPERFECT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'VE HANDLED IT ALL THESE YEARS.

( sighing ) OH, SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING?

- ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

IT'S A DARN SHAME.

OH, GEORGE, I THINK YOUR PRACTICAL JOKE IS ABOUT OVER.

STEPHANIE JUST JOGGED ALL MORNING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

- I KNOW.

SO I TURNED HER SCALE UP A LITTLE MORE.

( screaming )

- HI, MR. PITTMAN. YOU HAVE A VISITOR.

- OH?

- HI. I'M DICK LOUDON. I TOOK OVER YOUR SHOW.

- OH, LISTEN, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

I'M SORRY I MISSED IT

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A TV IN RADIOLOGY.

- DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH TIME, YOU KNOW, HE'S STILL WEAK.

- THAT ELLEN, SHE'S TERRIFIC.

SHE GREW UP WATCHING MY SHOW.

NOW HER CHILDREN WATCH.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS OF MY OWN.

THAT'S MY FAMILY.

- SO HOW'S THE NOGGIN?

- I'LL BE 100% WHEN I GET BACK TO THE SHOW.

- PETE, I HAVE SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

- YEAH?

- THIS ISN'T EASY.

- YOU KNOW, WHEN MY LITTLE MATIES HAVE TROUBLE

TELLING THEIR MOMMIES AND DADDIES SOMETHING,

I GIVE THEM A PIECE OF ADVICE.

I TELL THEM TO TAKE IN A DEEP BREATH,

THEN LET IT OUT, THEN SAY WHAT'S ON THEIR MINDS.

- WELL, THIS IS A LITTLE MORE THAN A BAD REPORT CARD.

- WELL, WHAT WORKS FOR THE LITTLE MATIES

WORKS FOR GROWN-UP BUCCANEERS TOO.

SO WHY DON'T YOU TRY?

JUST TAKE IN A DEEP BREATH, LET IT OUT, THEN SAY IT.

- YOU'RE CANCELED.

- BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY WOULD THEY CANCEL ME?

THE SHOW WAS SO POPULAR.

- WELL, THE WAY I HEARD THE STORY,

SOMEONE POINTED OUT THAT IT WAS LONG ON VIOLENCE

AND COMMERCIALISM, AND SHORT ON ANYTHING GOOD.

- WELL, WHO WOULD STAB ME IN THE BACK

WHEN I'M IN THE HOSPITAL?

( exhales ) - ME.

- YOU?

- LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR 'EM TO CANCEL YOUR SHOW

BUT I WAS SELLING $40 CARDBOARD--

THE DUCK EXPLODED.

I SHOT LIONEL.

- DID YOU SAVE A BULLET FOR ME?

- SUPPOSE I TRY TO GET YOUR SHOW BACK?

- CAN YOU DO THAT?

- HEY, I GOT YOU CANCELED, DIDN'T I?

- HI, I'M LARRY AND THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL.

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER BROTHER DARYL?

- I'M SORRY, HE'S TOO UPSET TO PARTICIPATE

IN THIS CONVERSATION.

WE'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS UP WITH THE SPOUSE OF THE HOUSE.

- DICK, RIGHT AWAY.

- OH, HI, GUYS.

- EASY, DARYL.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- DARYL AIN'T BEEN THE SAME

SINCE HE HEARD THAT PIRATE PETE GOT THE PROVERBIAL AXE.

IT WAS HIS FAVORITE PROGRAM NEXT TO "NIGHT LINE."

- GUYS, BEFORE YOU GET TOO WORKED UP,

I TALKED THE STATION INTO PUTTING PIRATE PETE BACK ON.

I'M GONNA CO-HOST WITH HIM TODAY AND SHOW HIM HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.

- WELL, DARYL'S ADOPTING A WAIT-AND-SEE ATTITUDE.

OH, BY THE WAY,

IF YOU DON'T MIND SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM,

WE COULD TELL IT WAS YOU TALKING FOR PERCH.

- WELL, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING THE SHOW.

- GOOD. 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE EDUCATIONAL AND ENTERTAINING

WITHOUT SACRIFICING ONE IOTA OF FUN.

- YEAH, AND I HEAR YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS IN A PIRATE SUIT.

- WELL, THE PRACTICAL JOKE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.

- AH, FINALLY.

I HOPE STEPHANIE WASN'T TOO ANGRY WHEN YOU TOLD HER.

- OH, I DIDN'T TELL HER. SHE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.

I JUST SET HER SCALE BACK TO NORMAL.

SHE'LL WEIGH HERSELF

AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE AGAIN.

- MAKE WAY, I'M COMING DOWN AND I NEED ROOM.

- I DON'T THINK SHE'S WEIGHED HERSELF YET.

- STEPHANIE, WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT?

( sighing ) - I COULDN'T GET OUT

OF MY LUNCH DATE WITH MICHAEL.

THIS IS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.

CAN YOU MAKE OUT ANY HINT OF MY SHAPE UNDER HERE?

- AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, YOU COULD BE RIDING A HORSE.

- WHO AM I KIDDING?

ONE LOOK AT THESE CHUBBY CHEEKS

AND MICHAEL WILL START CALLING ME "BIG MOMMA."

- STEPHANIE, IF YOU WEIGH YOURSELF AGAIN,

YOU MIGHT BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

- YOU SEE, THIS IS THE KIND OF RIBBING

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO.

- MICHAEL, WHAT'S KEEPING PETE?

THERE'S NO POINT IN MY DOING THE SHOW ALONE.

- BELIEVE ME, DICK, NOBODY WANTS THAT.

- STEPH?

- I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT RECOGNIZING ME.

MICHAEL, SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

I'VE BALLOONED TWO POUNDS.

- WHAT?

WELL,

THERE'LL JUST BE MORE OF YOU TO LOVE.

- MICHAEL, PLEASE.

I KNOW IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE YOU DROP ME.

I'D LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU IF YOU DIDN'T.

JUST TRY TO REMEMBER ME WITH ONE CHIN.

- STEPH, IT CAN'T END THIS WAY.

CALL IF YOU GET BETTER.

- MICHAEL!

STEPHANIE, YOU HAVEN'T GAINED ANY WEIGHT.

GEORGE RIGGED YOUR SCALE.

- WHAT?

WHY WOULD HE DO A THING LIKE THAT?

- IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

- IT'S SICK AND DEPRAVED.

- I TRIED TO STOP HIM.

OH, NO, THROW THAT IN THE DUMPSTER.

THE TOY SHOP PROMISED ME THAT THEY'D SEND SOMETHING

THAT WOULDN'T MASSACRE THE CREW.

- STEPH, YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO MY OFFICE AND COOL DOWN.

- PETE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I ASKED YOU TO COME HERE A FEW MINUTES EARLY

SO WE COULD DISCUSS CHANGES IN THE SHOW.

- TEN SECONDS TO AIR.

- I AM EARLY.

WHAT ARE THE CHANGES? Lionel: IN FIVE, FOUR--

- DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE

TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT.

( music playing )

- AHOY, MATIES!

WELL, SHIVER ME TIMBERS

IF IT ISN'T TIME FOR PIRATE PETE'S "CARTOON LAGOON."

AND I'D LIKE TO THANK MY COUSIN LONG JOHN LOUDON

FOR TAKING COMMAND OF THE SHIP YESTERDAY.

HAAAARRGHHH!

- THANK YOU, PIRATE PETE,

AND I'M SURE ALL THE BUCCANEERS JOIN ME

IN WELCOMING YOU BACK TO THE HELM.

- YO-HO-HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

- ACTUALLY, PETE,

INSTEAD OF GLORIFYING THE USE OF ALCOHOL,

FROM NOW ON, LET'S SAY,

"YO-HO-HO AND A GLASS OF UNSWEETENED FRUIT JUICE."

- HUH?

- I KNOW, PIRATE PETE,

LET'S TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT TODAY'S EXCITING SHOW.

- AYE, IT'S THURSDAY, AND THAT MEANS TODAY'S CARTOON

WILL FEATURE THOSE TWO SCAMPS, ROUGH AND TUMBLE.

- ACTUALLY, PETE, THERE'S NO ROOM ON THIS SHIP

FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BEHAVE LIKE LITTLE GENTLEMEN.

SO INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW

A FASCINATING FILM CALLED

"THE APPLE, NATURE'S TOOTHBRUSH."

- WE'RE GONNA SHOW A HYGIENE FILM?

- SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

- THAT WAS PERCH.

HE SAYS HE LIKES THE SOUND OF THAT FILM.

- NO, I DON'T.

- YES, I DO.

- WELL, LET'S HOIST UP THE NET AND CHECK THE MAIL.

- DON'T FORGET, BOYS AND GIRLS,

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE PIRATE PETE HERE AT SEA,

YOU NEED ONE OF THESE OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.

WHERE ARE THE MESSAGE BOTTLES?

- DON'T NEED 'EM, PIRATE PETE.

TURNS OUT LETTERS ARE JUST AS GOOD.

- BUT THE BOTTLES WERE CUTE.

- STILL, IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA

TO THROW BOTTLES OR ANYTHING ELSE

INTO OUR FRIEND, THE OCEAN.

NOW, FOR OUR FIRST LETTER.

"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I REALLY ENJOY THE SHOW.

"COULD YOU PLEASE REFRESH ME ON THE VOWELS.

"SIGNED, KENNY."

- C'MON, NO KID WROTE THAT.

- WELL, KENNY, THE VOWELS ARE "A," "E," "I," "O," "U,"

AND SOMETIMES WHAT, PIRATE PETE?

- YOU LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.

- THE ANSWER IS "Y." WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

LET'S READ ANOTHER.

- GET THAT ONE WAY AT THE BACK.

SHIVER ME TIMBERS, BUT IT SEEMS LONG JOHN

HAS HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

- PETE, LET ME DOWN THIS INSTANT.

- MY KIDS, OLD LONG JOHN'S FORGOT THE MAGIC WORD "PLEASE."

HE'S NOT BEHAVING LIKE A LITTLE GENTLEMAN.

- PLEASE LET ME DOWN.

- A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.

RIGHT NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDS

AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY SHOP HAVE FOR US TODAY.

( doll crying )

THIS IS FOR LAND-LOVING SISSIES.

( doll crying )

GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT SHOOTS.

PIRATE PETE'S GOT HIS SHOW BACK.

HAARRGGGHH!

- HAARRGGGHH! - HAARRGGGHH!

- HA-HA-HAARRGGGHH!

- JOANNA, DID DICK SAY HOW STEPHANIE REACTED

WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT MY PRACTICAL JOKE?

- SHE WASN'T VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT, GEORGE.

- SHE DIDN'T SAY, "WELL, THAT'S A GOOD ONE ON ME,

"AND I BEAR NO GRUDGE AGAINST OLD GEORGE"?

- NO, GEORGE.

- WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL BRACE MYSELF.

STEPHANIE'S SMART.

SHE'S GONNA FIND SOME REAL CLEVER SUBTLE WAY

TO GET BACK AT ME.

- UTLEY!

( theme music playing )

- MEOW.