Original subtitles

[FOOTSTEPS]

WELL, YOUR BATHROOM NOW HAS A SHOWER MASSAGE.

OH, THANK YOU, GEORGE.

GEE, THAT TOOK QUITE A WHILE. I HOPE IT WASN'T TOO DIFFICULT.

WELL, IT WASN'T HARD TO INSTALL.

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO WALK AWAY FROM THE TRIAL RUN.

HI, EVERYBODY. I'M BACK FROM MY BIKE RIDE.

THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING TO GET ME, DICK.

OKAY. UH, BUT NEXT TIME YOU GO ON A BIKE RIDE,

COULD YOU PLAN IT AS A ROUND-TRIP?

IF I HAD RIDDEN BACK, I WOULD'VE COME HOME FLUSHED.

WELL, THANK GOD I GOT YOU

BEFORE YOU DID ANYTHING FOOLISH.

HI, GEORGE. HI, HONEY.

WHAT'S-- WHAT'S THE CAMERA FOR?

WELL, WHILE IT'S ON MY MIND,

I REALLY WANNA GET A CHRISTMAS CARD PICTURE.

IN MAY?

YEAH. ISN'T THAT CUTTING IT KIND OF CLOSE?

WELL, EVERY YEAR, I WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE, AND THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

IT'S ALWAYS WORKED FOR ME.

OH, COME ON, HONEY. IT'LL BE FUN.

I'LL PUT A WREATH AND SOME STOCKINGS ON THE MANTEL,

AND WE'LL ALL BUNDLE UP IN WARM CLOTHES.

WE'LL GATHER AROUND A ROARING FIRE.

YEAH, AND THEN WE'LL ALL FALL OVER FROM HEAT PROSTRATION.

AND WE'LL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, PERSONALIZED CHRISTMAS CARD.

JOANNA, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WEAR WOOL OUT OF SEASON?

YEAH. COME ON, JOANNA.

WELL, IT SOUNDS GREAT TO ME.

I CAN PRACTICALLY SMELL THE CHESTNUTS ROASTING.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW PEOPLE COULD EAT THOSE THINGS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HONEY?

OKAY, BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE DECORATIONS,

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CHANGE CLOTHES,

AND I DON'T WANT TO SMILE IF I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND OUR SANTA.

HI.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

HI, GUYS.

YOU ARE ALL INVITED OVER TO OUR PLACE

TO HELP CELEBRATE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT EVENT

IN OUR ADULTHOOD.

WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE RICH.

WHERE DID YOU GET ALL THAT MONEY?

WON IT IN A NATIONWIDE JINGLE CONTEST.

YOU WROTE A JINGLE?

WELL, NOT ME.

DARRYL HERE IS THE TUNESMITH,

AND DARRYL HERE IS THE WORDSMITH.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO, LARRY?

I'M THE ONE THAT SAID IT SHOULD BE REGGAE.

IT'S A TEAM EFFORT.

I SPARK DARRYL, AND DARRYL SPARKS ME.

DARRYL SPARKS DARRYL, AND DARRYL SPARKS DARRYL.

DARRYL SPARKS ME, I SPARK--

O-O-OKAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OUR AWARD-WINNING COMPOSITION?

FEEL FREE TO DANCE AND GO CRAZY.

ONE, TWO. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

� POPPITY POP POPPY, POPPITY POP POPPY � ��

� LOOK AT THAT POPCORN POP �

� POPPITY POP POPPY, POPPITY POP POPPY �

� BIG AND FIRM AND HOT �

� CRUNCHITY CRUNCH CRUNCHY, CRUNCHITY CRUNCH CRUNCHY �

� STUFF IT DOWN YOUR FACE �

� SWALLOW, SWALLOW, SWALLOW �

� SWALLOW, SWALLOW, SWALLOW �

� WOW, IT'S THE BEST TASTE ANYWHERE � �� [STOPS]

� ANYPLACE � �� [RESUMES]

HOW-- HOW MUCH DID-- DID YOU WIN FOR THAT?

$30,000.

AND-- AND THEY-- THEY SAY LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

WELL, WAY TO GO, GUYS. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT MONEY?

WE AIN'T DECIDED YET. BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE AIN'T GONNA LET IT GO TO OUR HEADS.

ALL THIS MONEY AIN'T GONNA CHANGE US ONE IOTA.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

HI. I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER DA--

YEAH, I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE, GUYS.

MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US.

WE'VE BEEN HAVING A FISCAL RUCKUS OVER OUR WINNINGS.

SO FAR, THE ONLY THING WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO AGREE ON

IS TO BUY THESE CHAPEAUX.

WELL, I-- I CAN SEE WHY THAT WOULD BE UNANIMOUS.

UH, WH-WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT?

WELL, DARRYL THINKS WE SHOULD BURY THE MONEY,

AND DARRYL THINKS WE SHOULD MOVE TO KANSAS CITY.

HE HEARD THEY GOT SOME CRAZY LITTLE WOMEN THERE.

WELL, THAT, UH, KANSAS CITY IDEA HAS MERIT.

BUT YOU PROBABLY SHOULD PUT IT IN A BANK.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE SAFE, AND IT WOULD, UH--

IT WOULD GET YOU ABOUT TEN PERCENT INTEREST.

YOUR MONEY WOULD EARN ABOUT $3,000 A YEAR.

HOLD ON.

THEY'RE GONNA STASH OUR MONEY FOR US,

AND PAY US TOO?

RIGHT.

THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE COULD TRUST OUR FUNDS

WITH SOMEBODY EXERCISING THAT KIND OF JUDGMENT.

WELL, THERE ARE,

UH, BONDS, STOCKS, SECURITIES.

FREE MONEY WITH THOSE TOO?

YEAH.

UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU COULD DO.

YOU COULD, UH, SPEND A LITTLE OF IT

TO KIND OF IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIVES.

WE ALREADY GOT THE HATS.

HI, DICK. OH, MY GOODNESS. LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HEARD THE NEWS, FELLAS. CONGRATS TIMES THREE.

WELL, THANK YOU CUBED.

MAY I PUT A BUG IN YOUR EAR?

SURE.

MICHAEL HARRIS PRODUCTIONS.

TV PILOTS ARE ONE OF YOUR TOP INVESTMENT VALUES.

IF THIS TAKES OFF THE WAY I THINK IT WILL,

YOU'LL BE EARNING 20, MAYBE 30 PERCENT INTEREST.

FREE MONEY? BUSHELS OF IT.

COME ON, DARRYL.

IT'S A SAD DAY WHEN TV PEOPLE

ARE NO MORE RELIABLE THAN A BANK.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THIS A BEAUTY, OR WHAT?

GEORGE, WHAT ON EARTH!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I WASN'T REALLY PLANNING ON HAVING A TREE.

OH. THEN SURPRISE.

GEE, GEORGE, I DON'T KNOW.

DICK ISN'T TOO KEEN ON THIS PHOTOGRAPH AS IT IS.

JOANNA, IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A TREE.

IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

SURE BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE IT.

WELL, I-- OH, JOANNA, COME ON.

DON'T BE A SCROOGE. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

STEPHANIE, I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED IN A CHRISTMAS PICTURE.

A PERSON CAN CHANGE.

A PERSON CAN GET CAUGHT UP IN THE SPIRIT OF THINGS.

A PERSON CAN NOTICE A CHANCE TO GET PRESENTS.

OKAY. WHAT'S CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A TREE?

OH, GOOD.

WHO'S, UH-- WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

ISN'T IT A GREAT TREE, DICK?

BETTER THAN LAST YEAR'S, HUH?

YEAH, THERE'S ALWAYS A BETTER SELECTION IN THE SPRING.

OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY. IT'S NOT GONNA BE HERE LONG.

WE'LL TAKE THE PICTURE FRIDAY, AND WE'LL CLEAR EVERYTHING OUT.

OKAY, BUT IF I SEE LIVESTOCK OR SHEPHERDS

IN THE INN, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE WORDS.

HI. I'M LARRY,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

HI, GUYS.

WHERE-- WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER DARRYL?

LAST NIGHT, WE HAD A BIG ALTERCATION ABOUT THE MONEY.

THIS MORNING WHEN WE GOT UP, DARRYL WAS GONE,

AND SO WAS HIS THIRD OF THE WINNINGS.

WE'RE THINKING IT'S MORE THAN COINCIDENCE.

OH, NO.

YEP. IN ONE FELL SWOOP,

WE LOST A BROTHER AND A LYRICIST.

�� [LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL]

[MAN] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE EASY LISTENING

AFTER THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

[CHORUS] � POPPITY POP POPPY, POPPITY POP POPPY �

� LOOK AT THAT POPCORN POP �

� POPPITY POP POPPY, POPPITY POP POPPY �

� BIG AND FIRM AND HOT �

�� [STOPS]

WE'RE JUST BEING MOCKED BY OUR OWN SUCCESS.

OH. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DARRYL.

NEVER REALIZED HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD AREN'T HIM.

YEAH, YOU'D BE SURPRISED BY THE STATISTICS.

THIS IS, UH, CONSTABLE SHIFFLETT.

HEY.

YEAH, I...

TH-THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU FIND DARRYL.

I HOPE SO.

IT'S LONELY WITHOUT HIM.

NOW WE KNOW HOW THE SUPREMES FELT

WHEN DIANA ROSS LEFT.

STRANGE HOW IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS

THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEBODY.

I CAN'T LOOK AT THE GREASE SPOT ON HIS PILLOW WITHOUT THINKING OF DARRYL.

WELL, THAT'S NOT ONE OF THE LITTLE THINGS,

BUT YOU TAKE MY MEANING?

DID YOU CHECK HIS USUAL HANGOUTS?

YEAH. HE AIN'T HERE.

OKAY. WHAT ABOUT A DESCRIPTION?

WELL, THE CLOTHES HE WAS WEARING

ARE KIND OF LIKE DARRYL'S HERE--

LOOSE FITTING BUT COMPLEMENTARY.

UH, "HE'S GOT STRAIGHT, SKUNK-BACK HAIR,

PENETRATING EYES, STURDY BUILD"--

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

WHEN THEY WERE PASSING OUT LOOKS,

HE WAS THE FIRST IN LINE.

THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED "THE FACE."

HE-- HE IS?

THE FACE. CHECK.

"HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

TURN-ONS INCLUDE"--

UH, LARRY, I--

I DON'T THINK THE-- THE CONSTABLE NEEDS TO HEAR THAT.

THE MORE I KNOW, THE EASIER IT'LL BE TO FIND HIM. GO AHEAD.

"TURN-ONS INCLUDE WALKING THROUGH MUD

"AND THE LETTER Y.

"TURN-OFFS ARE SOAKING DIRTY PANS,

ANYTHING WITH THREE LEGS AND BERMUDA SHORTS."

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE IF I FIND HIM, I'LL LIKE HIM.

THIS TREE IS SO BEAUTIFUL,

WHEN WE'RE DONE, I WANNA GET A PICTURE.

THAT WAS THE IDEA, GEORGE.

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

[SIGHS]

WHOO-WHEE, WHAT A SCORCHER.

[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

HI. WE'RE THE...

DUNCANS.

SEASON'S GREETINGS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

DON'T WORRY. IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

IT'S JUST AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION.

WE'RE GETTING READY TO TAKE A CHRISTMAS CARD PICTURE.

OH. HERE, THERE'S NOTHING

LIKE CHRISTMAS IN VERMONT, IN THE SPRING.

HEY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WE SHOULD HAVE OUR OWN CHRISTMAS CARD.

SAY, YOU MIND IF WE, UH, BORROW YOUR BACKGROUND?

OF COURSE.

AND IF IT'S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH,

COULD WE MAYBE HELP YOU DECORATE THE TREE?

SURE, IF YOU DON'T MIND WORKING UP A SWEAT.

THANKS.

WE'LL UNPACK, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.

IT'S ROOM 7. THANKS.

SEE, DICK? EVEN THEY'RE INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

OR CRAZY WITH THE HEAT.

[GASPS] MICHAEL!

ARE THOSE ALL FOR ME?

THERE'S MORE OUT IN THE CAR. [SQUEALS]

MICHAEL, ALL WE NEEDED WAS WRAPPED, EMPTY BOXES.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING ACTUAL PRESENTS.

YES, I DID.

JOANNA, YOU CAN TELL IN THE PICTURE

IF THE BOXES ARE EMPTY.

DON'T WORRY. STEPHANIE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE

TAKING A LITTLE ADVANTAGE.

[LAUGHING]

HI. I'M LARRY.

WE THINK THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

WELL, LET'S-- LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

SEE? DON'T THAT LOOK LIKE HIM RIGHT THERE?

YOU-- YOU MEAN THE GUY DANCING WITH THE FIRST LADY?

I-- I-- I DON'T THINK SO.

WHY NOT?

JUST CALL IT INSTINCT.

OH.

SORRY TO BE SUCH A DOWNER ON CHRISTMAS CARD EVE.

YOU GUYS WEREN'T OVER AT THE CAF�, SO I TRACKED YOU HERE.

I THINK I MAY HAVE A LEAD ON THE FACE.

TWO OFFICERS UP IN STOWE

ANSWERED A DISTURBING THE PEACE CALL LAST NIGHT.

FROM THE DESCRIPTION, SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT BE OUR BOY.

HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

THANKS A BUNCH. WILL YOU GO WITH US?

WH-WHAT FOR?

WE AIN'T GOT A CAR.

WE COULD LEND YOU OUR CAR.

I'LL-- I'LL GO WITH YOU.

WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO H.Q. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[RECORD SKIPPING]

WHOA.

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

THIS IS, UH, THE KIND OF PLACE

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA MEET AN OSMOND.

HEY. NEW BLOOD.

IF THIS IS DARRYL'S PLACE,

HE'S FALLEN IN WITH SOME REAL OFFBEATS.

FOOD'S OVER THERE. BAR'S STOCKED.

GO FOR IT.

[RECORD STOPS SKIPPING]

WE'RE LOOKING FOR MY BROTHER, DARRYL.

DARRYL? OH, YOU MEAN FACE.

HEY, FACE!

WE'RE GONNA MIX ALL THE DRINKS TOGETHER AND CHUGALUG IT,

NO MATTER WHAT COLOR IT IS OR HOW IT SMELLS.

YOU GUYS WANNA JOIN US?

EXCUSE US. WOULD YOU FELLAS GO NOW?

WHY? 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

DARRYL AND I ARE GONNA MIX YOU TOGETHER,

NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOU COME OUT OR HOW YOU SMELL.

OH.

COME ON. LET'S GO SPIT OFF THE ROOF AND TIME IT.

�� [ELECTRONIC]

�� [CONTINUES]

�� [STOPS]

DARRYL, IS THAT YOU IN THEM HIGH-HEELED SNEAKERS?

BLUE SUEDE SHOES.

DARRYL, YOU'RE ALL FACE AND NO BRAINS.

I'LL STEP ON THEM BLUE SUEDE SHOES.

COME ON. COME ON, GUYS. COME ON. BREAK IT UP.

DARRYL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

LOOK AT ALL THIS WANTON WASTE.

A BLOCK OF ICE THAT AIN'T COOLING A THING,

FOOD YOU'D FIND IN A SISSY'S LUNCH BOX.

COME HERE.

YOU KNOW DARN WELL CHAMPAGNE LOSES ITS FIZZ

IN ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

DARRYL, YOU GOT CAVIAR IN YOUR EARS?

I GIVE UP. DARRYL, YOU TALK TO HIM.

DARRYL! DARRYL!

THEM'S THE IMPLEMENTS OF SEDUCTION.

I CAN'T TALK TO HIM.

LARRY, IF-- IF YOU DON'T TALK TO HIM...

WOULD YOU TRY?

I'M MAD ENOUGH TO STOMP BUNNIES.

DARRYL, THE-- THE REASON WE'RE HERE

IS BECAUSE YOUR-- YOUR BROTHER REALLY WANTS YOU TO COME BACK...

[CRACKLING]

WHAT-- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

[CRACKLING CONTINUES]

DOES EVERYBODY HERE HAVE A STREAK OF DECADENCE BUT ME?

[WHIRRING, BEEPING]

UH, DARRYL...

I-- I KNOW THAT ALL OF THIS [WHIRRING, BEEPING STOPS]

SEEMS LIKE FUN NOW, BUT--

I MEAN, IS THIS THE WAY

YOU-- YOU WANNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

IT'S BEEN FUN, FACE. CALL ME?

I CAN'T TALK TO HIM.

DARRYL...

DARRYL, GET YOUR STUFF AND COME WITH US,

AND ALL WILL BE FORGOT.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU THROW AWAY ALL YOUR MONEY.

DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR FAMILY.

DARRYL-- DARRYL,

REMEMBER YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE?

REMEMBER WHAT IT HAD TO SAY?

MONEY DON'T MAKE YOU WEALTHY,

BROTHERS DO.

OR WAS THAT BONANZA?

ANYWAY, IT'S TRUE.

ARE YOU COMING?

�� [ELECTRONIC]

FINE. EASE ON DOWN THE ROAD TO RUIN.

COME ON. LET'S GIT. DARRYL! NOW.

�� [CONTINUES]

[ALL] � TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL �

� FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA �

[BOTH SIGH]

I WISH WE'D BROUGHT WARM CLOTHES.

NO, YOU DON'T.

WHEN DO I GET TO OPEN MY PRESENTS?

NOT TILL WE TAKE THE PICTURE, AND WE CAN'T DO THAT TILL DICK GETS BACK.

COULDN'T WE AIRBRUSH HIM IN LATER?

CUPCAKE, WILL THE MISTLETOE TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE PRESENTS?

NO.

SHALL WE SING ANOTHER SONG?

� JINGLE BELLS �

� JINGLE BELLS �

� JINGLE ALL THE WAY �

� OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE �

� IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH, HEY �

� JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS �

� JINGLE ALL THE WAY �

� OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH � HELLO.

CONSTABLE, IS ANYTHING THE MATTER?

UH, NO. AH, IT'S JUST... � DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW �

� IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH � WELL, MY FAMILY'S OUT OF TOWN.

� O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO �

�� [CONTINUES]

GETS KIND OF LONELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME LEMONADE? NO EGGNOG?

� JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS � SORRY.

NO, THANKS. JUST WON'T BE CHRISTMAS WITHOUT EGGNOG.

� IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH, HEY �

WELL, WE'RE BACK.

OH, GOOD! HE'S HERE!

WE COULDN'T GET HIM TO COME BACK.

IS DARRYL ALL RIGHT?

WELL, HE'S FLYING HEADLONG TO PERDITION

ON THE ROAD OF HEDONISTIC DECADENCE.

OTHER-- OTHER THAN THAT, HE'S-- HE'S FINE.

I'M SORRY, GUYS.

YEAH, I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF OUR LIFE

A DAY LATE AND A DARRYL SHORT.

BUT DON'T LET US HOSE DOWN YOUR HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

JUST GO ON WITH YOUR SINGING.

IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR?

HAVE YOU SANG "AULD LANG SYNE"?

NOT SINCE I GOT HERE.

� SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT �

� AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND �

� SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT �

� AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE �

� FOR AULD LANG-- � ��

NO. IT CAN'T BE.

DARRYL! OH, DARRYL!

HE CAME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.

DARRYL!

I'M MISTING UP HERE.

NO. THAT'S YOURS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

ALLOW ME. HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

[CHEERING]

TIME FOR THE PICTURES. OH, OKAY!

GUYS, DO YOU WANNA JOIN US?

HERE, HONEY. PUT THIS ON.

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SET ME ON FIRE?

OKAY, EVERYBODY GET INTO PLACE.

I'M GONNA FOCUS THIS HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, EVERYBODY. WATCH THE BIRDIE. ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

WELL, DARRYL,

YOU BLEW $5,000 IN THREE DAYS.

I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT.

MEOW.