Original subtitles

HI.

I'D LIKE A ROOM THAT'S PAINTED A DARK COLOR,

DOESN'T GET A LOT OF SUN,

HAS NO TREES RUSTLING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,

AND NO DRAFTS.

WELL, I'M AFRAID WE ONLY HAVE ONE ROOM LEFT.

OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT.

OKAY. HERE YOU GO.

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND PICKY BUT, I'VE GOT INSOMNIA.

I THOUGHT MAYBE IF I WENT SOMEPLACE QUIET AND RESTFUL.

THAT'S THE STAFFORD.

HOW'D YOU HEAR ABOUT IT?

WORD OF MOUTH.

OH, REALLY?

WHAT'D THEY SAY?

MY FRIEND SAID, "GO TO VERMONT.

STAY ANYPLACE."

YEAH, WELL, TH-THAT'S OUR MOTTO.

"TH-THE STAFFORD INN...

"ONE OF...

ONE OF MANY IN THE AREA."

ENJOY YOUR STAY, MR. THURMAN.

YOU KNOW, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TO GET TO SLEEP.

EH, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED EVERY CURE,

EVERY DOCTOR, EVERY SUGGESTION.

NOTHING WORKS.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WARM MILK?

YEAH, I TRIED IT.

WHAT ABOUT A NICE, HOT BATH?

TRIED IT.

PHIL DONAHUE SHOWED A MACHINE-- TRIED IT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHILE YOU'RE HERE,

I'M GOING TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT YOUR INSOMNIA.

AND IN THE MEANTIME,

DON'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT.

THAT JOKE? YEAH?

HEARD IT.

HEY.

I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL.

THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

H-HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS?

WE AIN'T EXACTLY SORE FROM GRINNIN'.

IT'S BECOME APPARENT THAT...

OUR CAFE'S NOT THE HOTBED OF ACTIVITY WE EXPECTED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SO FAR...

WE'VE NEVER BEEN OUTNUMBERED BY OUR CUSTOMERS.

DARRYL...

DON'T BE DOIN' THAT "I TOLD YOU SO" ATTITUDE.

FROM THE BEGINNING, HE THOUGHT WE SHOULD

FORGET THIS RESTAURANT BUSINESS

AND HIT THE PRO BOWLIN' CIRCUIT.

HE'S BEEN RUBBI'' OUR NOSES IN IT, EVER SINCE.

UH, LARRY, WH-WHY ARE YOU SHARING THIS WITH US?

WELL, WE CAN'T HELP NOTICIN'

THAT WHILE OUR CAFE'S BITIN' THE BIG ONE,

YOUR INN SEEMS TO BE FLOURISHIN'.

GO FIGURE.

WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE A LOOK AT OUR OPERATION

AND TELL US WHY

WE'RE SKIDDIN' OFF THE ROAD TO SUCCESS.

WELL SURE, LARRY, WE'D BE HAPPY-- UH, L-LARRY...

WE'RE-- WE'RE INNKEEPERS, NOT RESTAURATEURS,

YOU KNOW, THAT'D BE LIKE COMPARING APPLES...

WITH SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.

LARRY, WE'D BE GLAD TO TAKE A LOOK

AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.

MUCH OBLIGED.

[WHISPERS] SEE? TOLD YOU SHE WAS THE NICE ONE.

WHY DID YOU RESIST HELPING THEM?

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WANT THEIR RESTAURANT TO FAIL.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO FAIL.

I ALSO DON'T WANT TO SEE A CHAIN OF THOSE THINGS.

HONEY, I-I KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HONEST WITH THEM.

YOU'RE GONNA BE POLITE, AND-- AND THEY'LL START

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

JUST LIKE THE TIME WITH THAT LONELY OLD MRS. LOWENSTEIN--

DICK.

SHE ASKED FOR A SIMPLE RECIPE FOR PEACH PIE.

THEN BEFORE YOU KNEW IT

SHE WAS OVER AT OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME.

THEN YOU GAVE HER HER OWN KEY--

DON'T-- AND SHE ROBBED US.

WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN THIS TIME.

I'M JUST GONNA TELL THEM HONESTLY

WHAT I THINK IS WRONG WITH THEIR CAFE.

END OF INVOLVEMENT.

WELL, I'LL BELIEVE THAT WHEN YOU STOP GOING

TO MS. LOWENSTEIN'S PAROLE HEARING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S JUST AS WE DEPICTED.

RELATIVELY LIFELESS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, GUYS,

YOU CAN'T EXPECT THE PLACE

TO BE CROWDED ALL THE TIME.

ESPECIALLY AT, UH...

LUNCH HOUR.

A CUSTOMER.

LOOKS LIKE YOU BRUNG LADY LUCK WITH YOU.

HI.

UM...

SHOULD I, UH... SEAT MYSELF?

PARK IT WHERE YOU PLEASE.

WATCH CLOSELY. IT'S SOMEWHERE AFTER THIS POINT

THAT WE GENERALLY LOSE 'EM.

UH...CAN I SEE A MENU, PLEASE?

NO NEED FOR THAT.

YOU NAME IT, IT'S AS GOOD AS

HALFWAY DOWN YOUR THROAT.

UH...PANCAKES AND COFFEE WOULD BE NICE.

STACK AND A JOE.

I'M SORRY. THIS IS A NO-SMOKING SECTION.

I CAN MOVE YOU,

BUT YOU'D HAVE TO REORDER.

NAW, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I QUIT.

GOT ANY SUGAR?

SAY WHEN.

WHEN!

[BELL RINGS]

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR STACK'S UP.

MM-MMM.

DO YOU WANT SOME SYRUP?

DARRYL? NO, NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO BE, UM...

SOMEWHERE, AND, UH...

OH! I'M LATE NOW TOO.

WHY DON'T I JUST, UH, LEAVE THIS HERE,

AND I'LL, UH, JUST GO OUT THERE, YEAH?

SO, SPOT ANY FLAWS?

WELL, LARRY...

IT'S VERY EASY TO STAND

ON THE SIDELINES AND CRITICIZE.

LARRY, IT WAS REVOLTING.

JOANNA!

THROWING FOOD IS REVOLTING.

CARRYING SUGAR IN YOUR HAND IS REVOLTING.

AND CARRYING DISHES INSIDE YOUR CLOTHING

IS JUST NAUSEATING.

WELL, WE ALWAYS FIGURED A LITTLE FINE-TUNIN'

WAS IN ORDER.

LARRY, MAY I BE FRANK?

UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING DRASTIC,

IT'S HOPELESS.

I REALLY SHOULD GO NOW.

HOPELESS?

[SIGHS] WELL, THAT'S THE LAST TIME

I LET HER HAVE 18 CUPS OF COFFEE.

OH, GEORGE?

ARE THERE ANY PENCILS AROUND HERE?

I WANT TO EDIT.

YEAH, HERE.

[WHISPERS] COULD YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?

WHY?

WELL, LAST NIGHT I GAVE MR. THURMAN

A SPECIAL TEA TO HELP HIM SLEEP.

AND HE DIDN'T COME DOWN TO BREAKFAST, SO...

I DON'T WANT TO WAKE HIM UP, OKAY?

[WHISPERS] OKAY.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, FEET OFF THE FLOOR!

I DON'T WANT THIS TO TAKE ANY LONGER THAN IT HAS TO.

[WHISPERS] STEPH-STEPHANIE!

STEPHANIE!

COULD-- COULD YOU PLEASE NOT TALK SO LOUD?

AND I THINK YOU'D BETTER NOT VACUUM NOW.

[WHISPERS] OKAY.

UH, STEPHANIE?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK WHY?

NO.

OH, MORNING, EVERYBODY!

MR. THURMAN, YOU'RE NOT ASLEEP.

NAW, ACTUALLY THAT SLEEPING POTION OF YOURS GAVE ME QUITE A LITTLE BUZZ.

DARN. WELL, WE WON'T GIVE UP.

WE'LL TRY EVERYTHING SHORT OF HITTING YOU

OVER THE HEAD WITH A MALLET.

TRIED IT.

DICK?

ARE YOU SURE I WASN'T TOO HARD

ON LARRY AND HIS BROTHERS YESTERDAY?

HONEY, YOU WERE FINE.

THEY'RE JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THAT LINE OF WORK.

I HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH DARRYL.

HI. I'M LARRY--

WE-- WE KNOW. WE KNOW, LARRY.

MISS JOANNA, WE JUST WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR BEING SO SAVAGELY HONEST IN YOUR REVIEW OF OUR CAFE.

REALLY?

YES, MA'AM.

NOW THAT WE KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

WE CAN SPRING INTO ACTION.

OH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

YUP!

WE QUIT.

OH, NO!

OH, DON'T FRET ABOUT IT.

WE'LL JUST GO BACK TO OUR CABIN

AND LIVE OUT THE REST OF OUR DAYS

IN ABJECT SHAME.

OH, BUT LARRY--

OH, NO. WE THANK YOU

FOR KICKING US IN OUR COLLECTIVE GUT.

WELL, REMEMBER US FONDLY.

I WAS LARRY, THIS WAS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

THIS WAS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.

WAIT! WHAT?

UH, NOTH-NOTHING.

I'LL HELP YOU.

I DON'T KNOW.

IN OUR VIEW, THE DREAM IS CROAKED.

JUST GIVE ME A WEEK.

ONE LITTLE WEEK TO TURN THE PLACE AROUND.

THEN WE'LL HAVE A GRAND REOPENING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I'M FOR IT.

DARRYL?

DARRYL?

TWO TO ONE. WE'LL DO IT.

GREAT!

OH, BOY.

NOW, FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE IMPORTANT.

SO, WHEN A CUSTOMER ENTERS, WE DON'T SAY,

"PARK IT."

WE SAY...

"MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

WELL, OKAY, BUT WE MAY BE IN DANGER OF LOOKI''

A LITTLE FEIGNED.

ANOTHER THING. SERVING THE FOOD.

AS A GENERAL RULE, MOST CUSTOMERS

DON'T LIKE TO SEE THEIR FOOD AIRBORNE.

THAT'S THE FUN PART.

FUN OR NOT, THE PROPER WAY IS TO USE THIS.

FLY SWATTER?

LET ME MAKE A NOTE.

TOMORROW WE'LL SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY

TALKING ABOUT GERMS.

ALL RIGHT!

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE LEARNED SO FAR.

UH-OH. POP QUIZ.

OKAY. I'M A CUSTOMER AND I WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

PARK IT ANYWHERE.

OH, YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS.

HOW'S THAT GO AGAIN?

MAY I OFFER YOU SOME WATER?

FINE.

DARRYL.

UM...

LARRY, THERE'S--

THERE'S A HAIR IN MY GLASS.

OH, DEAR.

THERE YOU GO. HAIR-FREE.

REVOLTIN' AGAIN?

YES, LARRY.

ONCE A HAIR OR ANY OTHER FOREIGN SUBSTANCE

HAS GOTTEN INTO THE FOOD,

IT SHOULD NOT BE SERVED.

[GROANS]

COME ON, GUYS!

WE'RE OPENING TOMORROW.

NOW, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP

AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

WITHOUT FOOD.

FINE.

LARRY?

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLUCK IT DOWN, OVER HERE?

DANG!

OKAY, GUYS.

LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

A CUSTOMER JUST WALKED IN.

WE'RE CLOSED.

LARRY.

GOOD EVENING.

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR PARKING SPOT?

DOGGONE IT!

THIS IS HOPELESS.

OKAY. LET'S JUST GET SOME SLEEP.

WE'VE GOT TO BE RESTED FOR THE BIG...

DISASTER.

WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,

"MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

AGAIN.

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT? [LAUGHS]

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT? OH, LARRY!

JOANNA?

SHE'S NOT HERE, DICK.

SHE JUST LEFT FOR THE OPENING.

OH...

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE

MY GREEN TIE IS, WOULD YOU?

YOU DON'T HAVE IT ON, DO YOU?

THANKS, GEORGE.

OH, MR. THURMAN.

I'VE THOUGHT OF A COUPLE MORE THINGS YOU COULD TRY.

THANKS, GEORGE, BUT NO THANKS.

I GOT A LONG NIGHT AHEAD OF ME.

THINK I'M GONNA JUST CURL UP WITH

A GOOD BOOK,

AND MEMORIZE IT.

OH, GEORGE?

TIE STRAIGHT?

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

I'M ONLY GOING TO LARRY, DARRYL, AND DARRYL'S.

WELL, I HOPE THE OPENING GOES WELL.

YEAH, I HOPE SO TOO. I...

CAN'T HELP WONDERING IF THIS ISN'T SOMETHING

THEY SHOULD'VE TRIED ON MONKEYS FIRST.

[SNORES]

IS MR. THURMAN ASLEEP?

YES!

WHAT FINALLY DID IT?

HE WAS READING A BOOK!

[READING] ANYTHING CAN BE A LAMP BASE.

BY DICK LOUDON

BUT HE PROBABLY JUST FINISHED A BIG MEAL.

YEAH, AND HE'S...

HE'S SITTING IN FRONT OF A-- A WARM FIRE.

I'LL BET THAT TEA I GAVE HIM,

FINALLY KICKED IN.

RIGHT.

LET'S--LET'S GO WITH THAT ONE.

WELL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

NICE JOB! [JOANNA EXHALES]

OH, I LIKE THAT.

IT'S JUST, UH...

JUST LIKE THE PICTURE IN OUR, UH...

WAIT A MINUTE.

HONEY, IT'S JUST FOR TONIGHT.

GOOD BECAUSE IT'S BEING HERE KIND OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE

OF A HIDDEN WALL SAFE.

OH, JOANNA...

YOU LIKE IT?

NO...

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

THERE.

THANK GOD I WAS HERE FOR YOU.

LARRY!

DARRYL!

AREN'T YOU THE FASHION PLACE?

MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY,

AS DUDIED UP AS WE ARE,

WE'RE REFRIED TOAST COMPARED TO YOU.

OH, LARRY.

'COURSE YOU MAY.

LARRY, YOU GUYS BETTER GET THE FOOD STARTED.

IT'S ALMOST TIME.

WHOA! SHARE THE FANTASY.

MICHAEL...

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING IN THE ROOM BESIDES ROOTS?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

IT'S BIG. IT'S GREEN. IT'S LEAFY.

THE TREE!

YOU NOTICED!

HOW COULD I MISS IT? IT MAKES THE ROOM.

I KNOW.

JOANNA HAD IT OVER THERE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WHAT GIVES, JOANNA?

[KNOCKING]

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS IT!

LARRY?

OH, DICK, I'M SO NERVOUS. HOLD MY HAND.

I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND.

WELL, LET GO. I HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR.

HELLO.

JOANNA, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

YOU'RE A MIRACLE-WORKER.

THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO

THE ALL NEW MINUTE MEN CAFE!

LARRY.

HERE GOES.

GOOD EVENING.

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

[SCREAMS] HE DID IT! HE DID IT!

HE DID IT! HE DID IT!

[LAUGHS]

HONEY, COU--COULD I HOLD THAT HAND AGAIN?

DON'T I KNOW YOU?

YES, MA'AM. MY BROTHERS AND ME

CLEANED OUT YOUR SEPTIC TANK.

WELL, ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

EXCUSE ME!

THIS FORK SEEMS TO BE DIRTY.

OH, DEAR.

I KNOW. I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ONE.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

ANOTHER FORK.

YEAH, IT'S ONE OF THOSE KODAK MOMENTS.

I'LL-- I'LL HAVE, UH, DRIED FRIED TOAST.

CLEAN DRIED TOAST!

EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVEN'T ORDERED YET.

I'LL BE THERE, PONY EXPRESS. WAITER!

COULD WE HAVE SOME WATER, PLEASE?

MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?

EXCUSE ME!

ARE OUR BURGERS READY YET?

UH...

UH, OVER THERE'S FINE.

I STILL HAVEN'T ORDERED.

RIGHT!

COULD WE HAVE SOME WATER?

JUST PARK IT ANYWHERE.

UH, THIS WAY, PLEASE.

DARRYL, HURRY UP WITH THAT WATER, PLEASE!

SIR?

OUR BURGERS?

DARRYL, FOUR BURGERS NOW!

[BELL RINGS]

PLATES UP.

PLATES UP, PLEASE!

OKAY. WE DEEP FAT FRYIN' NOW!

[JOANNA] OH, NO!

DARRYL!

PLEASE, LARRY!

NOW, DARRYL, CUT IT OUT!

LARRY, I TOLD YOU NOT TO FLING FOOD.

THAT WASN'T FLINGIN'.

THAT WAS SLIDIN'.

BUT YOU CAN'T RUN A RESTAURANT THIS WAY. OH, PLEASE--

MAYBE WE CAN'T RUN A RESTAURANT YOUR WAY.

DARRYL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.

BUT WE GOTTA BE WE.

WHAT?

BOYS!

GUYS, WAIT! YOU'RE DESTROYING

ALL MY WORK!

FOLKS! FOLKS! IT'S JUST A TEMPORARY DISTURBANCE.

PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEATS AND CONTINUE EATING...

OH.

JOANNA.

ONE WORD.

ARSON.

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING TOO?

I'M SORRY, JOANNA,

BUT WE DRESSED FOR A BEIGE MOTIF.

NOW WE'RE CLASHING LIKE MAD.

YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE AMBIENCE IN MIDSTREAM.

WELL, YOU WANT ME TO...

HOLD YOUR HAND OR...

NOT OR-- OR WHAT?

WELL...

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO MAKE

A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.

AND I WORKED SO HARD TO GET THAT OFF THE MENU.

YOU WANT THESE FOR YOUR CAR?

LARRY, I'M SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.

PARDON MY BLUNTNESS,

BUT ARE YOU OFF YOUR BIRD?

WE MAY HAVE LOST IN THE FAIR WEATHER CHOW HOUNDS,

BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.

THERE ARE FOUR.

FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER BEEN OUTNUMBERED.

YOU'RE HAPPY?

ECSTATIC.

EVEN DARRYL'S DONE A ONE-EIGHTY.

DARRYL, GIVE THE MAN HIS TOAST.

THAT WAS VERY GOOD, DARRYL.

AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T FORGET EVERYTHING I TAUGHT THEM.

[FLY BUZZES]

[FLY LANDS]

[MEOWS]