Original subtitles

�� [THEME MUSIC]

- UH, DICK. - YEAH, GEORGE?

THURSDAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY,

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK

OF A SPECIAL GIFT THAT SHOWS

HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU AND JOANNA

WITHOUT BEING MUSHY.

SO.

WHAT'S YOUR SHOE SIZE?

NINE AND A HALF, GEORGE.

OH BOY, ARE YOU GONNA BE SURPRISED.

- HI, GEORGE. - HI, MICHAEL.

NICE PLAIDS.

OH.

DICK, YOU KNOW WHAT THURSDAY IS?

VALENTINE'S DAY.

GOT ANY PLANS FOR THAT DAY?

WELL, JOANNA AND I ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL,

TRADITIONAL VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER.

SHE COOKS UP A FANCY MEAL,

AND I LAY OUT A HELL OF A GORGEOUS TABLE.

WELL, LEAVE THE AFTERNOON FREE

FOR A SPECIAL VALENTINE'S EDITION

- OF VERMONT TODAY-- - GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WITH GUEST OF HONOR FRANKLIN TODD, PhD,

A.K.A. THE LOVE DOCTOR.

YOU GOT DOCTOR TODD?

I'VE-- I'VE HEARD OF HIM.

MICHAEL, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SIGNED

AN INTERESTING GUEST.

OH, AND DICK, WHEN I THINK OF VALENTINE'S DAY,

SOMETHING ELSE COMES TO MIND.

GALS.

AND THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA FOR YOUR SHOW.

MICHAEL, IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF PLOY

TO GET WOMEN WITH SKIMPY CLOTHING ON THE SHOW--

DICK, GIVE ME CREDIT FOR BETTER JUDGMENT THAN THAT.

THAT'S MORE OF A MEMORIAL DAY KIND OF THING.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU CO-HOSTING WITH A WOMAN,

AND WHO BETTER THAN YOUR VERY OWN VALENTINE?

YOU MEAN JOANNA?

I-- I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT DICK, I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER.

I-- I DON'T WANT MY WIFE AS CO-HOST.

IT WOULD MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

DICK, DICK, I MISREAD YOU COMPLETELY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL. NO HARM DONE.

HONEY, WHICH ONE OF THESE

WILL LOOK BETTER ON TELEVISION?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DR. TODD'S BOOK?

LISTEN TO THIS. "YOU MUST LOVE EVERYONE,

"BECAUSE LOVE IS THE ONE FREE MIRACULOUS GIFT

HUMANITY CAN GIVE TO ITSELF."

READS LIKE A HUNDRED-PAGE HALLMARK CARD.

HOW'S THIS FOR THE DRESS?

GREAT.

DID YOU READ MY LIST OF INTERVIEW QUESTIONS?

YEAH. YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

I JUST HOPE I DO A GOOD JOB.

HONEY, TRUST ME, YOU'LL BE GREAT.

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME ON THE SHOW?

WHO SAYS I DON'T WANT YOU ON THE SHOW?

DICK, WHENEVER YOU SAY "GREAT" IN THAT TONE OF VOICE,

I KNOW IT MEANS YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS

OUT THE KAZOO.

JUST I LIKE I KNOW THAT YOU DRUM YOUR FINGERS

WHENEVER THE CONVERSATION STARTS TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

WELL, MAYBE I DO HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM

WITH YOUR BEING ON THE SHOW.

BIG-SMALL OR SMALL-SMALL?

NO, IT'S-- IT'S ONLY

BECAUSE YOU'RE MY WIFE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST OUT AND OUT HUGE.

LOOK, THE PURPOSE OF A HOST

IS TO ACT LIKE A SORT OF FUNNEL,

THROUGH WHICH THE GUEST REACHES THE VIEWERS.

AND IF I HAVE YOU ON THE AIR WITH ME,

I WON'T JUST BE A FUNNEL.

I'LL BE A FUNNEL WITH A WIFE.

AND PEOPLE WILL START TO WONDER,

WHAT THE FUNNEL'S WIFE SEES IN THE FUNNEL.

AND IF THEY HAVE ANY BABY FUNNELS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF I COME ON THE SHOW

NOT AS YOUR WIFE, BUT AS A CHEESE GRATER?

HONEY, IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY TO BE ON THE SHOW,

THEN I WANT YOU ON THE SHOW.

- REALLY? - REALLY.

OH. THANKS.

OOH.

HELLO, HOST. WHERE'S YOUR CO?

IF YOU MEAN JOANNA,

STEPHANIE TOOK HER TO THE HAIRDRESSER.

THEY-- THEY SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

WELL, CALL ME ROMANTIC, BUT THIS IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

A TIME OF LOVE AND GIVING

AND-- AND GOOD FEELINGS.

DAMN, I DIDN'T GET STEPH A GIFT.

DO YOU THINK I COULD CONVINCE HER I FORGOT VALENTINE'S DAY?

I'M A DEAD MAN.

CHUCK! CHUCK.

UH, GET ACROSS THE STREET TO WHITSETT JEWELERS.

PICK OUT SOMETHING NICE FOR STEPHANIE.

GET IT GIFT-WRAPPED. BRING IT BACK.

WARP SEVEN!

OH! AND GET A CARD.

AND SIGN IT FOR HER!

BOY, CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM. CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM.

STEPHANIE OR CHUCK?

HI, HONEY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S-- IT'S FINE.

YOU HATE IT.

IT-- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY "FINE."

BUT IF I CAN'T SAY "GREAT," AND I CAN'T SAY "FINE,"

THEN HOW DO I CONVINCE YOU THAT I LIKE IT?

JUST SAY YOU LIKE IT.

OKAY, THEN. I LIKE IT.

THANKS A LOT, DICK.

� HERE'S YOUR PRESENT �

� WHERE'S MINE? �

LET'S, UH, LET'S SAVE YOURS FOR LAST.

OOH. MUST BE A GOOD ONE. I CAN'T WAIT.

ME EITHER.

OH...

WOW.

SUNGLASSES.

JUST-- JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

A PAIR TO MATCH EVERY ONE OF YOUR SWEATERS.

GO AHEAD, TRY ONE ON.

PERFECT.

NOW, WHERE'S MY PRESENT?

WELL-- JOANNA.

YOU LOOK TERRIF.

WHAT-- WHAT'VE YOU DONE?

I TOOK OFF MY COAT.

IT WORKS.

HE'S RIGHT. YOU LOOK...

GROOVY.

MICHAEL.

WHERE'S MY PRESENT? IN HERE?

ACTUALLY, MUFFIN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

I-- I HAVE IT.

IT'S JEWELRY.

COME AND LOOK.

OOH, WHAT A PRETTY CARD.

"TO THE BEST LITTLE BOD THAT EVER TROD SOD."

CAN'T HELP IT. THE DAY JUST BRINGS OUT THE ROD McKUEN IN ME.

OPEN IT UP.

OH.

VERY LARGE PAGODA EARRINGS.

DO-- DO YOU LIKE THEM?

WELL, LET ME WALK AROUND THEM.

I, UH, I THINK THEY'RE DISTINCTIVE.

DON'T YOU TWO?

MICHAEL, SWEETCAKES,

YOU ACTUALLY WENT INTO WHITSETT JEWELERS,

WALKED PAST THE OPAL BRACELET IN THE WINDOW,

AND SAID TO MR. WHITSETT,

"GIVE ME THE HEAVIEST PAIR OF EARRINGS IN THE STORE,

"AND DO YOU HAVE A CARD? I WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING

REALLY TASTELESS."

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, STEPH, I DIDN'T...

EXACTLY PICK THEM OUT.

WHAT, EXACTLY, DID YOU DO?

I, UH, I PICKED THE MAN WHO PICKED THEM OUT.

YOU SENT A FLUNKY

TO BUY MY PRESENT?

SUGARPLUM, I WAS SO DARN BUSY--

WE'RE DOING THIS SPECIAL SHOW--

JOANNA'S NEVER DONE TV BEFORE,

AND DICK IS RIDDLED WITH DOUBTS ABOUT HER.

IS THAT TRUE?

I-- I DON'T THINK THE WORD "RIDDLED"

ACTUALLY CAME UP.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU LIED TO ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

HELLO, HELLO! YOU MUST BE DICK LOUDON.

- OH. - I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU-- YOU'D BETTER BE THE LOVE DOCTOR.

THIS-- THIS IS MY WIFE, JOANNA.

[P.A.] ONE MINUTE TO AIR. PLACES, PLEASE.

AND THAT WAS MICHAEL'S GIRLFRIEND, STEPHANIE.

SOMETHING'S GOING ON HERE.

COULD IT BE LOVE?

OH YEAH. WE'RE RIDDLED WITH IT.

PARTLY, WE LOVE THE BELOVED.

AND PARTLY, WE LOVE THE BELOVED'S LOVE.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING WE LOVE TO LOVE MORE THAN LOVE ITSELF.

CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

OUR GUEST TODAY IS DR. FRANKLIN TODD,

AND OUR TOPIC IS...

WELL, LOVE.

THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO OPEN UP THE PHONE LINES.

JOANNA, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO TELL THE VIEWERS

HOW THEY CAN CALL IN.

THERE'S THE PHONE. CALL IN.

WELL, I-- I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO ADD.

UM...

EXCEPT, MAYBE, THE NUMBER TO CALL

IS 555-LOVE.

[PHONE RINGS]

YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

DICK? YOU AND JOANNA HAVE BEEN MARRIED 18 YEARS.

HOW DO YOU KEEP IT FROM GOING STALE?

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.

UH, JOANNA AND I HAVE ALWAYS WORKED VERY HARD

AT KEEPING THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN,

RIGHT, HONEY?

I HOPE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION.

WELL, UH, NOT EXACTLY--

YOU KNOW, THAT RAISES A VERY INTERESTING POINT.

HOW CAN A COUPLE KEEP

THAT FIRST LOVE ZING ALIVE?

BEATS ME.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I HAVE AN EXERCISE THAT'S DESIGNED

JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE.

ALL YOU DO IS YOU TRY TO REMEMBER

THOSE LITTLE THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON

THAT FIRST MADE YOU FALL IN LOVE.

JOANNA. TELL US SOMETHING

THAT YOU REMEMBER ABOUT DICK.

SOMETHING NICE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

- WELL. - DON'T BE SHY,

- WHAT IS IT? - OH, IT'S JUST--

WELL, HE WAS ALWAYS SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR

NICELY DRESSED BUT WEARING

A MISMATCHED PAIR OF SOCKS.

IT WAS SO CUTE.

AND TO THIS DAY, IF HIS SOCKS AREN'T LAID OUT FOR HIM,

HE'LL PUT ON A PAIR THAT DOESN'T MATCH.

[ALL LAUGH]

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

IT'S YOUR TURN, DICK.

OH, WELL, THAT-- THAT SHOULD BE EASY.

UM... LET'S SEE.

[DICK LAUGHS]

WHAT?

WELL, UM, JOANNA ISN'T A SQUEAMISH PERSON.

BUT, UM, ONCE I WENT OVER

TO HELP HER WITH SPRING CLEANING--

[DICK LAUGHS]

AND SHE-- SHE WAS--

SHE WAS STANDING ON TOP OF THIS TABLE.

DICK.

YEAH, IT TURNED OUT THAT

SHE WAS TERRIFIED OF DUST BUNNIES.

DUST BUNNIES?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THOSE LITTLE BALLS OF DUST

THAT COLLECT UNDER FURNITURE.

SHE-- SHE'S GOT A REAL PHOBIA ABOUT 'EM.

NO, I DON'T!

OH, COME ON, HONEY. IT'S CUTE.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S SILLY,

AND YOU'RE JUST MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

- I SEE A DUST BUNNY. - AAH!

NOW, NOW IS THAT CUTE OR WHAT?

NO.

THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST INSENSITIVE THINGS

I'VE EVER SEEN.

YEAH, SEE, JOANNA UNDERSTANDS THAT--

THAT, UM...

DARN, TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK IN JUST A MINUTE

WITH--

MORE LOVE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.

WHOA.

BOY, DICK, THAT'S THE NICEST VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER TABLE

YOU EVER SET.

YEAH, I REALLY, REALLY KNOCKED MYSELF OUT.

YEAH, I DON'T BLAME YOU. I CAUGHT THE SHOW.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET JOANNA A NICE GIFT.

YEAH, I DID. SHE'S OUT EXCHANGING IT.

WELL, SIT DOWN.

HERE'S SOMETHING TO CHEER YOU UP.

C-- COCONUT CANDY.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

THANKS, GEORGE.

OH, GEE. DICK, YOU HATE COCONUT CANDY.

DON'T YOU?

YEAH, GEORGE.

WELL.

I LIKE COCONUT, DICK.

SO...

WHY DON'T I JUST TAKE THIS AND--

AND GIVE YOU THESE?

SHOES.

SURPRISE. I REALLY GOT YOU

WITH THE CANDY THING, DIDN'T I?

YEAH, I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT, GEORGE.

THANKS, GEORGE.

JOANNA STILL HATES CARAMELS, RIGHT?

- YEAH. - GREAT.

WHOA, NICE TABLE.

HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARYL.

WHAT--

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU GUYS?

BEING THAT IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY,

WE HAVE A PRESENT FOR MS. STEPHANIE.

SHE-- SHE ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S OKAY. WE DON'T MIND WAITING.

OOH. VALENTINE'S SHOES.

WE THOUGHT OF GETTING HER SOME,

BUT THEY'VE BECOME KIND OF CLICHED.

HI, HONEY. HOW'D IT GO AT THE STORE?

I EXCHANGED YOUR GIFT FOR SOME POTTING SOIL.

AND A VERY LARGE CREDIT, I HOPE.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING DAYS OF MY LIFE.

FIRST THAT NASTY LITTLE RALPHIE HAWKINS

RODE PAST ME ON HIS BIKE

AND DROPPED A DUST BUNNY DOWN MY BACK.

AND THEN AT THE MARKET, THE MANAGER SAID TO ME,

"AH WOULDN'T GO DOWN AISLE FOUR.

THEY'RE SWEEPIN' BACK THERE."

AND THEN, WHEN I WENT BACK OUT TO THE CAR,

THIS WAS STUCK ON THE WINDSHIELD.

"WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

"DUST-BUNNY BUSTERS.

WE AIN'T AFRAID OF NO DUST-BUNNIES."

THE WHOLE TOWN IS LAUGHING AT ME.

OH, I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

HEY...

TYPING PAPER.

I HOPE IT'S THE KIND YOU LIKE.

GOTTA BE DARN CLOSE.

- WHOA. - DITTO.

- NICE TABLE. - YEAH.

AT LEAST DICK HAS GOOD TASTE.

CUPCAKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE I CAN DO

TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU. WOULD IT HELP IF I FIRED CHUCK?

MS. STEPHANIE?

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE.

HERE.

WOULD YOU MIND REACHING IN THERE FOR ME?

SEE, THIS IS A SILK DRESS,

AND THIS IS MY HAND.

IT'S A LOCKET.

I SEE THAT. THANK YOU!

VERY TASTEFUL.

OUGHTA BE.

WE HAD TO CLEAN OUT THREE SEPTIC TANKS TO GET IT.

YOU MEAN, TO GET THE MONEY FOR IT.

OKAY.

STEPH, YOU'VE GOTTA FORGIVE ME.

ONE MORE TIME ON MY KNEES,

I COULD KISS THIS CREASE GOODBYE.

WELL, I GUESS WE CAN DISCUSS THIS

OVER AN EVENING OF RECKLESS SPENDING.

THERE'S YOUR DINNER.

FISH STICKS.

THE COOKING INSTRUCTIONS ARE ON THE BOX.

HONEY.

I... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

OH. WERE YOU THE ONE

WHO WAS EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF VIEWERS?

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT-- WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

NOTHING. I'M JUST GOING TO BE MAD FOREVER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DON'T THINK I CAN'T SEE YOU, RALPHIE HAWKINS!

THANK YOU, MS. PEABODY, FOR THAT INSIGHT

INTO THE PERILS OF SUBSTITUTE TEACHING.

I'VE, UH, I'VE CONCLUDED THIS INTERVIEW A LITTLE EARLY

BECAUSE-- A FEW DAYS AGO,

ON OUR VALENTINE'S SHOW,

I-- INADVERTENTLY

HUMILIATED MY WIFE.

WELL, THIS AFTERNOON,

I'M GOING TO DO THE SAME TO ME.

HERE-- HERE IT GOES.

ONCE, WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE

AND-- AND REALLY NEEDED MONEY,

I-- I HEARD THIS ART CLASS

WANTED MODELS FOR

AN ADAM AND EVE PAINTING.

WELL, I VOLUNTEERED.

AND SINCE-- SINCE I WAS ADAM,

ALL THEY-- ALL THEY GAVE ME TO WEAR

WAS...

[DICK MUMBLES]

A FIG LEAF.

I WAS REALLY, REALLY

STRAPPED FOR CASH THAT SEMESTER.

ANYWAY, WHEN I-- WHEN I CAME OUT IN MY,

MY COSTUME, THE... THE WHOLE CLASS

AND EVE

VOTED TO REPLACE ME WITH A BOWL OF FRUIT.

AND-- EVER SINCE THEN,

I'VE HAD WHAT YOU COULD CALL A--

A PHOBIA ABOUT

ABOUT ART.

WELL, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

ON VERMONT TODAY.

JOANNA, I HOPE THIS DID THE TRICK.

AND THANK YOU, MS. PEABODY, FOR BEING ON THE SHOW.

JOANNA?

I'M IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHOA.

NICE TABLE.

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN ACTING SILLY.

NO, NO, YOU HAVEN'T. I--

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FELT.

THURSDAY WAS JUST A BAD DAY.

LET'S MAKE TONIGHT OUR VALENTINE'S DAY, HMM?

I'VE GOT CHAMPAGNE CHILLING,

AND I'VE GOT VEAL CORDON BLEU IN THE OVEN.

WELL, I GUESS YOU...

REALLY APPRECIATED THE SHOW TODAY.

OH, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE A DINNER LIKE THIS

AND WATCH THE SHOW.

YOU-- YOU MISSED THE SHOW?

YEAH. FIRST TIME EVER.

BUT THE-- THE TABLE, THE DINNER, WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I COULDN'T STAY MAD FOREVER.

BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

YOU-- YOU PROMISED YOU'D STAY MAD FOREVER.

DICK, DID SOMETHING HAPPEN ON THE SHOW?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I KNOW WHERE YOU LEAVE, RALPHIE HAWKINS!

�� [THEME MUSIC]