Original subtitles

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I QUIT. I CAN'T WRITE THIS BOOK

ON MAKING PILLOWS.

I'M OUT OF PATIENCE, I'M OUT OF TIME,

AND IF I INHALE ONE MORE FEATHER,

I'M GONNA OFFICIALLY QUALIFY AS A MATTRESS.

CALM DOWN AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

IT EXPLODED, AGAIN.

- I'M GOING DOWN TO O'SHEA'S. - DICK.

NO TELLING WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK.

DICK, IT'S NOT EVEN NOON.

JOANNA, DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.

I NEED A MILKSHAKE.

DICK, COME ON. YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN UP ON A BOOK BEFORE.

THAT'S BECAUSE MY OTHER BOOKS WERE ABOUT THINGS I KNEW ABOUT.

GUY STUFF. LUMBER, STEEL, BRICKS.

NOT THINGS THAT CAN FLY UP YOUR NOSE.

HONEY, I SEW PILLOWS ALL THE TIME.

LET'S GO SIT DOWN, AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.

OKAY, BUT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO O'SHEA'S

AND DRINK MYSELF UNDER THE PLASTIC CLOWN.

HI, I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL,

- AND THIS IS MY OTHER-- - WE KNOW, LARRY.

WHAT-- WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

TERMITES HAVE INFESTED OUR DOMICILE.

THAT'S AWFUL.

HAVE YOU CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR?

YEAH, HE'S FUMIGATING MONDAY.

THE SAD THING IS, IN ORDER TO GET RID OF THE TERMITES,

HE HAS TO KILL THE SILVERFISH.

THERE'S-- THERE'S SO MUCH SENSELESS SLAUGHTER.

ANYWAY, AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO,

THEY WON'T LET US STAY DURING THE GASSING.

SO WE'VE COME OVER TO PREVAIL ON YOU FOR A RESERVATION.

YOU-- YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?

BASEMENT'LL BE FINE.

LARRY, THE BASEMENT

IS DARK AND DAMP AND FULL OF MILDEW.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL US.

FELLAS, THE BASEMENT IS NOT AVAILABLE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY A ROOM?

OKAY. SEE YOU NEXT MONDAY.

TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE MADE RESERVATIONS EARLIER.

HERE. I FINISHED A FEW PILLOWS.

AW, THANKS-- THANKS, HONEY,

FOR BEING SUCH A BIG HELP ALL THIS WEEK.

WOW, YOU'RE UP TO PAGE 68. THAT'S GREAT.

HERE IT COMES.

DO YOU WANNA DO IT THIS TIME?

OH, COULD I?

� DOOP DOOP DOO-DOO �

HAH, THAT IS FUN.

WELL, YOU EARNED IT. I NEVER COULD'VE

FINISHED THIS BOOK WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

OH.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD--

I SHOULD PUT YOUR NAME ON THE BOOK, TOO.

OKAY.

OKAY WHAT?

OKAY, I ACCEPT.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE MY NAME ON THE BOOK.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

THAT IS SO...

YOU.

IT IS?

YES.

UNLESS YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.

NO, OF COURSE-- OF COURSE I MEANT IT.

IF I DIDN'T MEAN IT,

I SHOULDN'T'VE SAID IT.

GEORGE, GUESS WHAT?

UH...

DICK'S GONNA SHARE WRITING CREDIT WITH ME

- ON HIS BOOK! - OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC!

THAT'S SO HIM.

- JOANNA-- - DICK, JOANNA JUST TOLD ME

THE GOOD NEWS. AND DON'T WORRY.

THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T WRITE THIS BOOK BY YOURSELF

DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANY SMALLER IN MY EYES.

IF ANYTHING, I THINK THE SAME OF YOU.

THANKS, GEORGE.

HI, ALL. TAI AND RANDY ARE BACK.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME SKATING?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HOW COULD WE NOT HAVE A GOOD TIME LOOKING THIS CUTE?

AND GOING LIKE THIS?

GUESS WHAT? DICK'S MAKING ME

CO-AUTHOR ON HIS BOOK!

OH. IS THAT EXCITING?

- YES. - [STEPHANIE SQUEALS]

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT IS EXCITING.

THAT MEANS YOUR PICTURE WILL BE IN THE BACK COVER.

I GUESS SO. WILL IT?

WELL, IF I DIDN'T WANT YOUR FACE ON THE BACK COVER,

THEN I WOULDN'T PUT YOUR NAME ON THE FRONT.

WHY, CONGRATS, JOANNA. WHAT A PLUM FOR YOU.

DICK, WHAT A TOUCHING GESTURE.

- [PHONE RINGS] - OH, I'LL GET THAT.

YOU'RE BURNED OUT, RIGHT?

- NO. - WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE

I WOULDN'T WANT THIS TEAMING UP BUSINESS

TO SPILL OVER INTO THE SHOW.

THERE'S NO BUDGET FOR A CO-HOST.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR A CO-HOST.

OR BUDGET.

MICHAEL, DO YOU WANNA GO MAKE SOME COCOA?

YES, HE DOES.

YES, I DO.

DICK, I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE BURNT OUT.

THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I THOUGHT

I'D NEVER OPEN ANOTHER DRAIN.

BUT, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,

I DID.

THAT WAS THE PEOPLE IN ROOM FIVE.

THEY NEED MORE TOWELS, AND THEY SAID

IT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU

TO SHARE CREDIT WITH ME ON THE BOOK.

HI, I'M LARRY.

PARTY OF THREE.

YES. WE KNOW, LARRY.

WE HAVE A ROOM READY FOR YOU.

UH, GUYS, WE DON'T--

WE DON'T ALLOW PETS.

HE AIN'T A PET. HE'S OUR TRAVEL ALARM.

I'M SORRY. WE HAVE RULES.

TOO BAD.

DARYL, TAKE LONG JEANS HERE OUT TO THE PORCH.

HERE'S YOUR KEY. ENJOY YOUR STAY.

OKAY.

CONFIDENTIALLY, WE NEVER STAYED AT AN INN BEFORE.

EXACTLY HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMPORT OURSELVES?

JUST THE WAY YOU WOULD AT HOME.

OUR HOME.

I GUESS WE COULD GIVE IT A SHAKE.

I SUPPOSE THE POLITE THING IS TO SAY HI TO THE NEIGHBORS.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

HI, I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL--

LARRY!

ELLIOT, YOU'RE MY AGENT.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

WELL, CALLING ME A HAS-BEEN BURNOUT

IS NOT SUPPORTIVE.

THERE IS NO BEST SENSE

OF THAT PHRASE.

JOANNA IS NOT SLOWING ME DOWN.

THE BOOK'LL BE A FEW DAYS LATE.

ELLIOT, WHAT'S THAT STATIC?

ALKA-SELTZER.

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS. THIS IS A DIAL TONE.

HI, HONEY.

I READ THE BOOK.

- WHAT'S THE VERDICT? - OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

AND THAT CHAPTER ON MAKING PILLOWS

INTO INTERESTING SHAPES IS SO CREATIVE.

WELL, I-- WORKED IN SOME GUY STUFF.

- DICK. - WHAT?

OH. NOTHING. IT'S TOO SILLY.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN GO INTO IT.

NO, COME ON. YOUR NAME'S ON IT, TOO.

WELL.

THIS LINE HERE.

"IF YOU AREN'T CAREFUL WITH YOUR BASTE,

"THE STUFF IN YOUR PILLOW COULD TURN OUT TO BE

A REAL TURKEY."

OH.

OH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

WELL, HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT?

"CAREFUL, BASTING AND STUFFING ARE IMPORTANT?"

THAT'S MUCH CLEARER.

IT MIGHT EVEN BE FUNNIER.

NOW, THIS ONE HERE, ON PAGE 13.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, TOO?

HONEY, I WAS THINKING THAT HERE, ON PAGE 73,

- WE COULD-- - YOU SKIPPED PAGE 72.

I LIKE 72.

I JUST HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THIS PEP TALK.

- PEP TALK? - YEAH.

"IF YOU GET DISCOURAGED, DON'T TAKE A POWTER.

- TAKE A BREAK." - THAT'S A PHRASE I'VE USED

IN ALL MY BOOKS. IT'S LIKE AN OLD FRIEND.

OLD FRIENDS CAN BE TIRESOME IF THEY STAY TOO LONG.

AND IT'S AWFULLY PRECIOUS.

MY BOOKS ARE NOT PRECIOUS.

I DON'T WRITE "PRECIOUS."

THERE IS NOTHING PRECIOUS

ABOUT ME.

MAYBE I SHOULD COME BACK LATER

TO DISCUSS THE DEDICATION.

YOU HAVE NOTES ON THE DEDICATION?

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE DEDICATING THIS ONE TO ME.

BINGO.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SWEET

IF WE DEDICATED IT TO MY AUNT LILLIAN.

THE ONE WHO TRIED TO KILL ME?

DICK, SHE'S A LONELY OLD WOMAN.

YOU WERE STEALING HER FAVORITE NEICE,

AND THE LAWNMOWER JUST GOT AWAY FROM HER.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "TO LILLIAN.

THANKS FOR VEERING?"

WELL, YOU MAY NOT GET ALONG WITH HER, BUT I LOVE HER.

SHE DIDN'T DIDN'T MOW YOU.

AND SHE'S NOT GOING IN THE BOOK.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE SAID TONIGHT.

ARE YOU SAYING MY SUGGESTIONS ARE DUMB?

BINGO.

WELL, THEN... TAKE MY NAME OFF THE BOOK!

- NO. - NO?

I PUT YOUR NAME ON THE BOOK TO BE NICE,

AND IT'S GONNA STAY THERE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

WELL, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PILLOW BOOK AND...

STUFF IT.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?

EXCUSE US. COULD WE HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

WHAT'S...

YOU TOLD US TO ACT LIKE WE WAS AT HOME.

AND AT HOME WE WEAR THESE TO BREAKFAST.

BUT UPON TAKING A VISUAL POLL AROUND THE ROOM,

IT APPEARS THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE WEARING

SOMETHING OVER THEIR DAINTIES.

YEAH, IT'S-- IT'S A CUSTOM.

WE STUMBLED ON IT ONE DAY

AND JUST STUCK WITH IT.

WELL, IT WOULDA HELPED US

IF YOU'D OF LAID OUT THE RULES MORE PLAINLY.

OR IS THIS SOME FORM OF HAZING

YOU DO TO THE NEW PEOPLE?

NO, AND IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR YOU...

AND FOR EVERYONE EATING

IF YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

MM-BOY.

CORN FLAKES AGAIN.

LIKE SOME TIRESOME OLD FRIEND.

WELL, WOULD YOU RATHER EAT THESE OLD FRIENDS

OR WEAR THEM?

MORNING ALL.

WHAT A DAY.

OH BOY. CORN FLAKES.

NEVER GET ENOUGH OF THOSE.

UH, IF YOU DON'T MIND, DEAR,

COULD YOU POSSIBLY PASS ME THE SUGAR?

CERTAINLY, DEAR.

BUT A SIMPLE "PLEASE PASS THE SUGAR"

WOULD'VE BEEN LESS WORDY.

AND YOU WOULD'VE HAD YOUR SUGAR SOONER.

UH, I COULD EAT IN THE KITCHEN--

GEORGE, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE A REASONABLE MAN.

UH-OH.

NO, GEORGE.

WE JUST WANT YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING.

WHICH OF THESE TWO SENTENCES

DO YOU THINK IS BETTER?

"IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL WITH YOUR BASTING AND STUFFING,

"YOUR PILLOW COULD TURN OUT

TO BE A REAL TURKEY."

OR.

"CAREFUL BASTING AND STUFFING ARE IMPORTANT."

[GEORGE LAUGHS]

I LIKE THEM BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME,

AND I WILL EAT IN THE KITCHEN.

JOANNA, HERE'S A LIST OF PHOTOGRAPHERS

FOR YOUR BOOK COVER.

THE FIRST TEN ARE MY REGULARS.

THE OTHER NINE ARE JUST JOCKEYING FOR MY BUSINESS.

OH, DICK. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THE BURNOUT CRISIS.

ON THE FLIP-SIDE,

HERE'S A LIST OF CO-HOSTS WE CAN AFFORD.

THEY'RE ALL WILLING TO GO HALFSIES ON YOUR SALARY.

I DO NOT HAVE A BURNOUT CRISIS.

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

THAT'S MY LIST OF PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR THE COVER.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WANTED TO BE ON THE BOOK.

I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS MAKING ME BE ON THE BOOK.

WHOA, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE JUST STUMBLED INTO

AN EPISODE OF THE BICKERSONS.

YEAH, DICK AND JOANNA.

SOME PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE STILL IN LOVE.

LET'S TRY AND SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THE NEXT GENERATION

OF GUYS AND DOLLS.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

YOU JUST DROVE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T WANNA

SHARE CREDIT FOR THAT.

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF MY AUNT LILLIAN

DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA.

DICK! GREAT TO SEE YOU. WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING?

ELLIOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THE PUBLISHER WANTS PILLOW TALK NOW,

SO I CAME UP TO GET IT.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

DICK, YOU'RE MY CLIENT.

I'M INVOLVED. I CARE.

AND THIS WAY, I CAN WRITE OFF MY SKI WEEKEND.

SO HAND OVER THAT LITTLE MONSTER.

I-- I CAN'T.

MY COLLABORATOR AND I ARE HAVING SOME...

ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES.

OH GOD, WELL NOW, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?

ELLIOT, JOANNA AND I WILL WORK IT OUT.

SHE JUST WANTS TO MAKE A FEW CHANGES,

AND...

I'D RATHER DIE FIRST.

DICK, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A DISINTERESTED THIRD PARTY

TO READ THAT BOOK AND THEN MAKE A FINAL DECISION.

ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?

YO.

WELL, IT SURE WOULD GET THIS OVER WITH.

I DON'T THINK JOANNA WOULD GO ALONG WITH IT.

THE BEST I CAN DO IS TALK TO HER.

ALL RIGHT, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO.

BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, JUST REMEMBER.

I CARE. I'M INVOLVED.

I'M LATE FOR THE SLOPES.

ELLIOT IS HERE. HE WANTS THE BOOK.

FINE. GIVE IT TO HIM.

LOOK, I WANT TO BE FAIR.

HE OFFERED TO READ THE BOOK AND DECIDE.

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR?

YOUR AGENT? YOUR FRIEND?

HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT I THINK.

ALL I EVER GET TO SAY TO HIM IS,

"I'M FI--."

YOU'RE FIE?

YES. HE SAYS, "HOW ARE YOU?"

I SAY, "I'M FI--"

AND HE'S ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THIS ISN'T AS BAD AS IT LOOKS.

I'VE KNOWN ELLIOT FOR 15 YEARS.

HE'D SELL ME DOWN THE RIVER LIKE THAT.

AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME TRUST HIM?

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE'D SELL YOU DOWN THE RIVER LIKE THAT, TOO.

AND THAT'S GOOD?

NO, BUT IT'S FAIR.

YOU HAVE A WAY WITH GIBBERISH, YOU KNOW THAT?

OKAY, LET'S SHOW HIM THE MANUSCRIPT.

I'LL GO UPSTAIRS AND GET MY COPY.

MS. JOANNA.

LARRY. DARYL. DARYL.

YOU-- YOU GUYS GOING BACK IN?

NO, SIR. WE AIN'T SHOWING OUR FACES IN THAT ROOM AGAIN.

THEM FOLKS HAVE SEEN US DOWN TO OUR ESSENCE.

I'M AFRAID THE EMBARRASSMENT HAS SET DARYL BACK

A COUPLE OF YEARS.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T REALLY TAKE IT SO HARD.

OR YOU SHOULDN'T.

OH, GUYS.

ARE YOU GONNA BE OUT OF YOUR ROOM FOR A WHILE?

I NEED TO GET IN THERE.

OKAY, MS. STEPHANIE, BUT BE CAREFUL.

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, SOMEONE BUSTED INTO OUR ROOM

WHILE WE WAS OUT.

THEY LEFT TINY BARS OF SOAP EVERYWHERE.

AND WRAPPED ALL OUR DRINKING GLASSES IN PAPER.

IT APPEARS TO BE ONE OF THEM SENSELESS CRIMES.

LARRY. YOU SILLY.

THAT WAS ME.

AS MUCH AS I HATE IT, THAT'S MY JOB.

OH, MS. STEPHANIE, FORGIVE US TO BITS.

YOU CAN BUST IN AND PAPER OUR GLASSES ANYTIME.

THANK YOU.

UH, GUYS?

WE-- WE PREFER

YOU DIDN'T WHITTLE IN HERE.

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER POSTING ALL THESE RULES?

WELL, THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER THINGS TO DO AROUND HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU PLAY A GAME?

GEORGE, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW THE GUYS

HOW TO PLAY MONOPOLY?

SURE THING.

WELL. I'M OFF TO THE SLOPES.

NICE PAINT JOB.

OKAY. HERE IT IS.

JOANNA, HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FI-- - WELL, DICK!

GOTTA SKI-DADDLE.

UH, ELLIOT. JOANNA AND I HAVE DECIDED

TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER.

HERE'S DICK'S MANUSCRIPT WITH MY CHANGES.

GREAT. I'LL READ IT WHEN I GET BACK.

OH, AND, UH...

IF THIS SUIT DOES ITS JOB,

I MAY HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND

TO HELP ME TURN THE PAGES.

ELLIOT, READ IT NOW.

YOU MAY BE TOO DEPRESSED AT THE END OF THE DAY.

OKAY. LET ME SEE THAT THING.

WELL, IF THE FIRST PAGE IS ANY INDICATION,

YOUR VERSION HAS MORE FLOW, DICK.

ELLIOT, READ THE WHOLE BOOK AND BE IMPARTIAL.

IMPARTIAL. GOTCHA.

WHEN I SAY "IMPARTIAL," I MEAN IMPARTIAL.

RIGHT, DICK.

ELLIOT, WHERE ARE YOUR DAMN EARS?

LISTEN TO ME. WE WANT A FAIR,

UNBIASED READING OF THE BOOK.

WELL, IF YOU MEAN IT, DICK,

I'M GONNA NEED SOME ALKA-SELTZER.

THERE'S SOME IN THERE.

WHAT ABOUT WATER?

ROUGH IT.

FREE PARKING.

BORING.

I'M GONNA GO GET US SOME SODAS.

IT'S YOUR MOVE, FELLAS.

CHANCE.

"TAKE A RIDE ON THE REDDING RAILROAD."

- DICK? - HMM?

NO MATTER HOW THIS THING TURNS OUT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DID WITH ELLIOT

WAS PRECIOUS.

DON'T START UP WITH ME.

NO, NO. GOOD PRECIOUS.

YOU MADE HIM BE IMPARTIAL.

WELL, YOU RAISED SOME POINTS THAT...

DESERVED TO BE CONSIDERED FAIRLY.

SOME.

OH, MAYBE I DID GET A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.

BUT... WHEN YOU PUT MY NAME ON THE BOOK,

IT MADE ME WANT TO LEAVE MY MARK ON IT.

YOU LEFT YOUR MARK ON EVERY PAGE BUT 72.

- DON'T START UP WITH ME. - OKAY, OKAY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

MAYBE WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS DEDICATE THE BOOK

TO SOMEONE WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON.

WHAT ABOUT MY COUSIN EDITH?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T LIKE HER EITHER.

NO, EDITH'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE SMELLS FUNNY, BUT...

AT LEAST SHE'S NOT AN ASSASSIN.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE TO READ ANY FURTHER.

I HAVE REAL PROBLEMS HERE ON PAGE 8.

- ELLIOT-- - COME ON, COME ON.

LET'S SAVE THIS BABY.

NOW, THE PUBLISHER SAID HE WANTED

A SIMPLE BOOK ON PILLOWS.

WHY ARE YOU COMPLICATING IT

WITH ALL THIS CREATIVE CRUD?

PILLOW HANDSAWS?

PILLOW POWER-DRILLS?

GET REAL.

ELLIOT, THAT'S THE ONE THING

THAT JOANNA AND I ALWAYS AGREED ON.

- YEAH. - WELL, SURE, YOU LOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

BUT SEE HOW EASY IT LIFTS UP?

SO MUCH FOR CREATIVITY.

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