Original subtitles

�� [THEME MUSIC]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - COME IN.

GOOD SHOW, DICK. A SMASH. TOTALLY PRIMO.

I THOUGHT SO.

LET'S NOT SCHEDULE ANOTHER NAVAL HISTORIAN

ANYTIME SOON, SHALL WE?

YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM? THE WAY HE TOLD THOSE STORIES,

YOU COULD PRACTICALLY SMELL THE SEA-SPRAY.

DICK, THE TROUBLE WITH HISTORY IS IT'S YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

NO SUSPENSE.

NEXT WEEK, WE HAVE A GUY WHO PICKS UP RADIO SIGNALS

WITH HIS TEETH.

NO, WE DON'T. WE HAVE THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

DIDN'T I MEMO YOU ON THAT?

MICHAEL, YOU'VE BEEN PROMISING TO GET HIM FOR ME.

DICK, DICK, DICK, HE HAS GRAY HAIR.

THIS WEEK'S GUEST HAD GRAY HAIR.

WE NEVER BOOK THOSE TWO WEEKS IN A ROW.

TV TABOO.

I DON'T WANT A HUMAN RADIO.

I WANT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT,

- AND THAT'S FINAL. - WELL, DICK,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, WE'LL SEE.

OH, BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMEONE HERE WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU.

NOT UNTIL WE FINISH THIS.

SHE'S WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE. SHE SEEMS TO BE A FAN.

SHE THINKS YOU'RE TOM TERRIFIC.

UH, REALLY?

COME ON IN, HE'S THRILLED.

HELLO!

TRACY, DICK.

DICK, TRACY.

TRACY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, MR. LOUDON, IN THE FLESH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

WELL, NEITHER CAN I.

I'VE WANTED TO MEET YOU EVER SINCE I CAME HERE

WITH MY COLLEGE MEDIA CLASS.

AND SAW YOU INTERVIEW THE NOBEL PRIZE LOSERS.

IT WAS LIKE... YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME.

YOU EVER CATCH DICK'S INTERVIEW WITH THE GUY

WHO'S BEEN HIT BY LIGHTNING 14 TIMES?

PURE BRILLIANCE.

BUT... I GUESS YOU HEAR THAT ALL THE TIME.

WELL, NOT-- NOT ALL THE TIME.

ONCE OR TWICE.

ACTUALLY, ONCE.

GOD, YOU'RE JUST SO DOWN TO EARTH.

I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE, THIS BIG CELEBRITY,

AND YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A REGULAR PERSON.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I--

I GOTTA BE ME.

WELL, I SHOULDN'T TAKE UP ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME.

WELL, LISTEN, IF YOU WANT

TO COME BACK SOMEDAY AND SIT IN THE BOOTH?

MAYBE BRING ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL?

OH, I'D LOVE TO.

BUT I WOULDN'T BRING ANYBODY.

I MEAN, ALL OF THE KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE SO...

SO, YOU KNOW, LIKE, IMMATURE.

WELL THEN, THEN YOU COME.

GREAT. MR. LOUDON?

UM, DICK.

DICK.

WOULD YOU PERMIT ME

TO START A DICK LOUDON FAN CLUB?

FOR ME?

WHAT A BOON FOR THE SHOW. I CAN SEE IT ALL.

BUMPER STICKERS, BALLOONS, T-SHIRTS, LUNCH PAIL.

OH, NO. IT WOULD BE DIGNIFIED.

EXACTLY.

LIKE-- LIKE IF ALISTAIR COOKE HAD A FAN CLUB.

THAT'S MORE THE WAY I SEE IT.

ME TOO. E PLURIBUS UNUM.

THEN IT'S OKAY, DICK?

I GUESS-- I GUESS SO.

GREAT!

- HI, GEORGE. - JOANNA, UH...

WE'RE HAVING OUR MIXED DOUBLES BOWLING TOURNAMENT,

AND I WAS WONDERING, WOULD YOU BE MY PARTNER?

IF IT'S OKAY WITH DICK.

AND YOU.

GEE, I HAVEN'T BOWLED IN A LONG TIME. THAT MIGHT BE FUN.

OH, BOY. IT'S NEXT FRIDAY AT 7:00.

FRIDAY. HMM. I'VE GOT A HOSPITAL AUXILIARY MEETING AT 6:00,

BUT I COULD BE THERE BY 7:30.

OH, NO. ANYONE WHO ISN'T LACED UP BY 7:00 IS DISQUALIFIED.

OH. I'M SURE YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE

WHO'D LIKE TO GO WITH YOU.

WELL, DUTCH WILL WEAR A DRESS,

BUT HE'S AWFUL HAIRY.

WELL, HERE I AM.

WHERE ARE THOSE STUPID PEAS I HAVE TO SHELL?

OVER THERE.

STEPHANIE, YOU'RE A WOMAN.

UH-HUH.

WOULD YOU BE MY PARTNER AT A MIXED DOUBLES

BOWLING TOURNAMENT?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ME? WEAR THOSE SHOES?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SHOES?

THEY'VE HAD OTHER PEOPLE'S FEET INSIDE THEM.

FEET BELONGING TO PEOPLE WITH NAMES LIKE DODIE AND GERT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW I'D LOOK

IN ONE OF THOSE SHINY SHIRTS?

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE ALLEY?

OH, GOD, I'D DIE.

WELL, I'M SORRY I ASKED.

STEPHANIE, THAT WAS REALLY INSENSITIVE.

YOU JUST HURT GEORGE'S FEELINGS.

- I DID? - MM-HMM.

I WAS JUST EXPLAINING HOW I FELT ABOUT BOWLING.

- AND BOWLERS. - YEAH.

GEORGE IS A BOWLER.

OH.

YOU THINK HE MADE THAT CONNECTION, TOO?

I THINK HE DID.

OH.

OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE NOW.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, JOANNE.

I NEVER WOULD'VE NOTICED THAT

IF YOU HADN'T POINTED IT OUT TO ME.

HI, HONEY.

IS THAT ALL YOU BROUGHT BACK?

YOU WENT TO THE MARKET WITH A LIST A MILE LONG.

HELLO!

SHE, UH, SHE WOULDN'T LET ME CARRY THEM.

WOW!

DICK LOUDON'S KITCHEN!

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?

ALL HAPPY KITCHENS ARE ALIKE!

EACH UNHAPPY KITCHEN

IS UNHAPPY IN ITS OWN WAY.

YOU'VE BEEN READING MY BOOKS.

I LOVE THE TOLSTOY REFERENCE.

OH, YOU PICKED UP ON THAT.

NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE DO AND LAY SLATE LINOLEUM.

DICK?

WHO IS THIS?

OH, I'M-- I'M SORRY, HONEY.

TRACY, THIS IS MY WIFE, JOANNA,

AND THIS IS OUR MAID, STEPHANIE.

- HELLO. - HI.

JOANNA, YOU MUST BE

A VERY SPECIAL PERSON.

WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME.

UH, STEPHANIE, THERE ARE MORE GROCERIES IN THE CAR.

OH, COULD I GET THEM?

WELL, OKAY.

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU.

STEPHANIE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

DICK, WHO IS THIS GIRL?

OH, SHE'S, UM--

SHE'S HEADING UP MY FAN CLUB.

A FAN CLUB? YOU'RE KIDDING.

WELL, I MEAN, I AM A TELEVISION PERSONALITY.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL THAT I WOULD ATTRACT

A-- A CERTAIN NUMBER OF FANS.

THAT NUMBER SEEMS TO BE ONE.

BUT I THINK SHE'S REALLY JUST A COLLEGE KID WITH A CRUSH.

HONEY, I TOLD YOU. SHE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN MY WORK.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE. I THINK PAJAMAS.

BUT YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HIM.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD 8 X 10 GLOSSIES OF YOURSELF.

YEAH, TRACY WANTED THEM FOR THE MEMBERSHIP DRIVE.

MICHAEL GAVE THEM TO HER.

WHAT'RE YOU WRITING?

"LOVE AND HUG-A-ROONIES, DICK LOUDON."

MICHAEL WROTE THAT ONE AS A SAMPLE.

I DECIDED TO GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

"SEE YOU SUNDAYS AT 4:00. DICK LOUDON."

OH.

MAYBE I'D BETTER TONE THAT ONE DOWN.

AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF DICK LOUDON.

I COULD DIE. I COULD JUST DIE.

OOH!

OH, GEE, DICK, COULD I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU?

SURE, GEORGE.

GOT ANY WALLET-SIZE?

NO, NO, NO I DON'T.

OH. OKAY.

THANKS.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, GEORGE.

I WAS JUST LEAVING.

GEORGE.

I THINK I HURT YOUR FEELINGS YESTERDAY.

- YEAH, YOU DID. - WELL,

THAT MADE ME FEEL JUST TERRIBLE.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT GOING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD,

REHEARSING WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.

SO HERE GOES.

I'M SORRY. IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP,

JUST LET ME KNOW, OKAY.

YOU COULD GO BOWLING WITH ME.

GEORGE, WHEN I REHEARSED THIS,

YOU ALWAYS SAID, "AH, FORGET IT."

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'D SAY THAT.

I STILL NEED A BOWLING PARTNER.

COULDN'T I JUST WAX YOUR TOOLS OR SOMETHING?

AH, FORGET IT.

OKAY! YOU WIN.

BUT THIS COUNTS FOR THE NEXT FIVE TIMES I HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU'LL GO BOWLING WITH ME?

KEEP IT DOWN! SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR YOU.

RIGHT.

AND, GEORGE, ONE MORE THING.

WHEN WE GET THERE, CALL ME MARIA.

- OH, HI, DICK. - HELLO, TRACY.

I'VE GOT ALL KINDS OF STUFF FOR THE CLUB.

MORE PHOTOS, APPLICATIONS, AND MEMBERSHIP CARDS.

SO I SEE. A WHOLE SUITCASE FULL.

NO. THE CLUB STUFF'S OUT IN THE CAR.

THESE ARE MY CLOTHES. I'M CHECKING IN.

HEY.

GOOD MORNING!

WHAT'S-- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

ORANGE JUICE. BLUEBERRY WAFFLES.

LINK SAUSAGE.

CHEESE OMELETTE.

THAT'S-- THAT'S AMAZING. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY MOTHER

USED TO MAKE FOR BREAKFAST ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I KNOW. BY THE WAY, SHE SAYS HI.

OH, AND, UH, HERE'S SOMETHING

TO ENJOY WITH YOUR MEAL.

THE OFFICIAL DICK LOUDON NEWSLETTER.

"THE LOUDON CLEAR."

- TOO CUTE? - I'LL FIELD THIS ONE, HONEY.

IT'S-- IT'S...

IT'S FINE.

OH, GOOD. I'VE BEEN PASSING THEM OUT.

OH, I FORGOT THE ENGLISH MUFFIN.

"WHAT DICK LOUDON HAS TO TEACH US."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

I'M SORRY, HONEY, I WAS READING...

"MARSHALL McLUHAN VS. LOUDON.

HOW THEY STACK UP."

IT'S A GOOD THING HE'S NOT ALIVE.

ACCORDING TO THIS, I MAKE HIM LOOK PRETTY SILLY.

DICK, DON'T YOU THINK THIS HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR?

HONEY, I REALLY DON'T SEE ANY HARM IN IT.

"JOANNA LOUDON.

LIVING IN THE SHADOW."

WHO IS THIS DICK LOUDON?

THE INNKEEPER.

WHAT AN EGOMANIAC.

DICK, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF A HORSE?

I-- I REALLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT THAT MUCH. WHY?

IT'S THIS WEEK'S TRIVIA QUESTION.

WELL THEN, IT--

IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR ME TO TELL YOU THE ANSWER.

OR POSSIBLE.

STEPHANIE, WHY DID TRACY MAKE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

SHE WANTED TO.

WE PAY YOU TO MAKE BREAKFAST.

SO DID SHE.

HI, DICK. JOANNA.

CUPCAKE.

HERE'S SOME BACKGROUND INFO ON THIS SUNDAY'S GUEST.

I DON'T NEED IT. I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW

ABOUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

CROSSED WIRES, DICK.

WHO'S IN HERE? RADIO-TEETH?

MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU--

OH, ASIDE. TO STEPH.

GOOD NEWS FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.

THAT FELLINI FESTIVAL AT THE REGENT?

IT'S FINALLY OVER.

WANNA SEE THE BOOGENS?

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT?

- WHY? CAN'T YOU GO? - NO, I CAN'T.

BUT STEPH!

THE BOOGENS!

MICHAEL, DON'T TORTURE ME. I JUST CAN'T GO.

OH, STEPHANIE. GUESS WHAT?

I GOT YOU YOUR VERY OWN--

CANTALOUPE.

MY FAVORITE MELON!

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.

WHAT A FIND. THIS TIME OF YEAR.

MUST BE SOME MISUNDERSTANDING.

THAT'S NOT A CANTALOUPE. IT'S HER VERY OWN--

WELL, GOT A SCOOP.

WAIT. WE HAVEN'T SETTLED THIS.

WE HAD TO BOOK THE HUMAN RADIO, DICK.

HE'S GOT A DENTIST APPOINTMENT NEXT WEEK,

AND THE POOR GUY MAY RINSE AND SPIT HIS CAREER AWAY.

HERE ARE YOUR ENGLISH MUFFINS.

WITH ONE PAT OF BUTTER IN THE CENTER OF EACH

SO THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE EYES STARING UP AT YOU.

SHE HAS BEEN TALKING TO MY MOTHER.

DICK, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

JOANNA, IT'S NOT THAT EASY. SHE TOLD ME THAT,

ALL HER LIFE, SHE HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING TRUE.

I MEAN, I JUST CAN'T ASK HER TO STOP NOW.

BESIDES, THIS IS A HELL OF A BREAKFAST.

[WHISPERING] DICK, TALK TO HER.

I CAN'T.

THERE.

MAYBE...

MAYBE I WILL HAVE A WORD WITH HER.

TRACY? TRACY?

I-- I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

NOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, FINISH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

LET'S-- LET'S SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, TRACY,

YOU'RE PROBABLY THE BEST FAN I'VE EVER HAD,

- BUT... - BUT?

WELL, IT'S NOT SO MUCH A BUT AS AN ALBEIT.

BUT I...

I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU WORSHIPED

SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE.

AND GIVE UP THE CLUB?

Y-- YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLUB.

WHAT YOU HAVE IS A--

IS A CRUSH.

CRUSH?

WELL, DO CRUSHES HAVE

MEMBERSHIP MEETINGS?

WHAT-- WHAT MEMBERSHIP MEETING?

WE'VE GOT ONE THIS WEEK.

ON CAMPUS.

WHEN?

FRIDAY! YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOME FANS THERE, MISTER.

REALLY?

TONS!

TRACY, YOU AND I BOTH--

TONS?

WELL, A LOT!

WE WERE HOPING YOU'D BE THE SPEAKER.

OH, I-- I CAN'T DISAPPOINT...

CLOSE TO A... TON OF PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT. GUESS THIS IS IT.

HONEY, I JUST HOPE YOU AREN'T GONNA BE TOO DISAPPOINTED.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE ASSUMING THAT THERE'S NOT GONNA BE

- ANYONE IN THERE. - WELL--

YOU KNOW, HONEY, IT'S NOT INCONCEIVABLE

THAT THERE'S GONNA BE PEOPLE IN THERE. TONS.

TONS?

WELL, A LOT.

AND THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYTHING STRANGE ABOUT IT.

I'M-- I'M A NOT-UNFAMOUS MAN.

- OKAY? - OKAY.

I JUST HOPE YOU WON'T BE TOO DISAPPOINTED.

I HAVE TO ADMIT,

I AM A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED,

BUT I THINK I CAN LIVE WITH IT.

OH, DICK, GOOD CHEESE. NICE TURNOUT.

THIS-- THIS IS AMAZING.

YEAH, THEY'VE GOT JARLSBERG, GORGONZOLA.

AN INCREDIBLE BRIE.

THIS SURE BEATS THE BOOGENS.

DICK! WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

WELL, DO YOU HAVE FANS OR WHAT?

YOU-- YOU WANT TO FIELD THAT ONE, JOANNA?

DICK, JOANNA, THIS IS ROB.

HE HELPED ME SET THIS UP.

HEY.

SAME HERE.

SO, DICK, ARE YOU READY TO SPEAK?

EVERYONE'S DYING TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

- LET'S DO IT. - ALL RIGHT.

YOU PREPARED A SPEECH?

WELL, I-- I WAS GUARDEDLY OPTIMISTIC.

BUT APPARENTLY WITH GOOD REASON.

COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

IS EVERYBODY HAVING A GOOD TIME?

[ALL CHEER]

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE DICK LOUDON,

THE MAN WHO MADE ALL THIS POSSIBLE.

[ALL CHEER, APPLAUD]

GOOD-- GOOD EVENING, ALL OF YOU.

AND...

THANK-- THANK YOU FOR THAT ROUSING--

THAT ROUSING WELCOME.

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY--

[ALL MURMUR]

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY COME FACE TO FACE

WITH ALL-- WITH ALL OF MY...

ALL OF MY FANS.

I'D-- I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU

SOME-- SOME OF THE EXPERIENCES--

EX-- EXCUSE ME, COULD I--

COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

HEY!

I-- I'D JUST--

I'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW,

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN MY TV SHOW?

HOW-- HOW MANY HAVE READ MY BOOKS?

HOW-- HOW MANY OF YOU

ARE HERE FOR THE...

FREE FOOD AND BEER?

[ALL CHEER]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT--

THAT CONCLUDES MY REMARKS.

MEETING ADJOURNED.

I UNDERSTAND REFRESHMENTS

ARE AVAILABLE.

TRACY, COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

DICK, I'M SORRY. FORGIVE ME?

I JUST THOUGHT IF I DIDN'T HAVE SOME KIND OF MEETING,

YOU'D FEEL REALLY LET DOWN.

NO, THANK YOU FOR SPARING ME THAT.

YOU-- YOU COULDN'T SIGN UP ONE MEMBER?

IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T TRY.

WELL, I-- I GUESS COLLEGE PEOPLE

JUST DON'T WATCH MY SHOW.

NOT JUST COLLEGE PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY.

WHITE COLLAR, BLUE COLLAR.

OLD, YOUNG, SHUT-IN'S--

OKAY. OKAY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, DICK,

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID THE OTHER DAY.

AND I REALIZED THAT YOU WERE RIGHT.

THE ONLY REASON I DID ALL THIS

WAS TO BE AROUND YOU.

I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUB.

I HAD A CRUSH.

TRACY, YOU'RE A--

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL.

AND I THINK IT'S BEST

THAT YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

DICK, I SAID I HAD A CRUSH.

I'VE OUTGROWN IT NOW.

YOU-- YOU HAVE.

I WAS OUT TRYING TO LINE UP FANS,

AND I STARTED MEETING MORE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL.

THEY'RE NOT AS IMMATURE AS I THOUGHT.

FOOD'S GONE. LET'S GO.

DICK, YOU MET ROB.

HEY.

YEAH, WE-- WE SPOKE EARLIER.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, DICK.

WELL. BETTER TAKE OFF.

WE'RE GOING OUT TO THROW WATER BALLOONS AND MOON COPS.

HEY!

DICK, I THOUGHT YOU HANDLED YOURSELF

PRETTY WELL OUT THERE TONIGHT,

AND YOU WERE UP AGAINST SOME DAMN FINE CHEESE.

GO HOME, MICHAEL.

ROGER.

- READY TO LEAVE? - YEAH.

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - I'M-- I'M FINE.

- YOU SURE? - I'M SURE.

I JUST HOPE YOU AREN'T TOO DISAPPOINTED--

I'M DISAPPOINTED. OKAY? VERY DISAPPOINTED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO DISAPPOINTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WOULD A HUG-A-ROONIE HELP?

DICK?

OH, HI, STEPHANIE. HOW WAS BOWLING?

HOW DO YOU THINK?

I GUESS WE BOTH HAD A LOUSY NIGHT.

YOU GO FIRST.

THE MEETING WAS A DISASTER.

I-- I DON'T HAVE ANY FANS.

IS THAT ALL?

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

WHAT?

I FOUND OUT

I LIKE BOWLING.

�� [THEME MUSIC]