Original subtitles

�� [THEME PLAYING]

HERE ARE YOUR EGGS.

THEY MAY BE COLD. I WAS ON THE PHONE.

[LAUGHS]

UH, FUNNY EGGS, GEORGE?

JUST THINKING ABOUT MY CRAZY FRIEND DUTCH.

- HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN. - WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

WE WERE HAVING DINNER LAST NIGHT IN THIS REAL FANCY RESTAURANT.

WELL, I WENT OVER TO PUT MONEY IN THE JUKE BOX--

[CHUCKLING]

WHILE I WAS GONE, DUTCH POURED MILK

ALL OVER MY DINNER! [LAUGHS]

THAT STORY, THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE!

WELL, THANK GOODNESS YOU CAN'T RUIN STEAK.

GEORGE, HE'S ALWAYS PULLING THAT SORT OF THING ON YOU.

DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO GET BACK AT HIM?

DICK, REVENGE IS CHILDISH.

HONEY, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FIGHT MILK WITH MILK.

- HERE YOU GO.

MISS?

OH, RIGHT. YOU WANT A JUICE.

AND A BREAKFAST.

ONE THING AT A TIME.

WONDER IF I COULD PULL A TRICK ON DUTCH.

NAW, I COULD NEVER FOOL HIM.

I DON'T THINK I COULD FOOL ANYBODY.

- WELL, SURE YOU COULD, GEORGE. - DICK!

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO TRY. YOU MIGHT SURPRISE YOURSELF.

HEY, GEORGE, CAN I HAVE THE SALT?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS]

GOT YA!

GEORGE, YOU RUINED MY BREAKFAST.

YOU SAID I COULD DO IT, AND I DID. THANKS, DICK.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME HOPE!

PEPPER?

HI, ALL.

[STEPHANIE EXHALES]

- HI. - GOT A CUP OF DECAF FOR A HUNGRY SOLDIER?

OH.

DICK, HERE'S THAT MATERIAL ON SUNDAY'S GUEST.

OH, THANK YOU.

HERE YOU ARE.

OH, AND UH, COULD YOU PUT SUGAR IN IT?

[CHUCKLES]

MICHAEL, WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME BREAKFAST?

LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T STAY.

I'M INTERVIEWING RECEPTIONISTS.

INTERVIEWING RECEPTIONISTS?

- FOR WHAT? - FOR RECEPTIONISTS.

WE NEED ONE AT THE STATION.

WELL, I'M OFF.

WHAT DOES YOUR RECEPTIONIST DO?

OH, BASICALLY, SHE ANSWERS THE PHONES

AND PUTS ON A PRETTY FACE FOR THE PUBLIC.

MISS, COULD I HAVE SOME MORE COFFEE?

MICHAEL, I WANT THAT JOB.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB HERE?

YEAH!

THIS JOB SOUNDS BETTER.

WELL, NO OFFENSE, DICK.

BUT IF I WAS A RECEPTIONIST, I'D EARN MORE MONEY.

I'D GET TO WEAR NICE CLOTHES WHEN I WORK.

I'D BE AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME.

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO STICK MY HANDS

IN ANYTHING PORCELAIN.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY? - WELL, IT'S-IT'S FINE WITH ME, BUT WHAT ABOUT...

OH, DICK AND JOANNA...

YOU GUYS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY GOOD THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

YOU GAVE ME A HOME WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

A JOB WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD.

AND YOU EVEN INTRODUCED ME TO MICHAEL.

[SIGHS] I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING

I COULD DO TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT,

BUT THERE ISN'T, SO I QUIT, OKAY?

OH, SENTIMENT LIKE THAT IS THANKS ENOUGH.

WELL, THEN, LET'S DO IT. AND YOU CAN START

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

MISS VANDERKELLEN.

SEE YOU THEN, MR. HARRIS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[NEWS PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

OH, MY GOD!

MY VERY OWN NAME!

THIS CALLS FOR A KISS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

OH, A T.V.!

- OH, IT'S THE NEWS. - I HATE IT TOO, STEPH.

JUST A BUNCH OF CAPTAIN BRING-DOWNS.

- WELL, WHAT ELSE IS ON? - WHOA, STEPH, DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL.

THIS IS CHANNEL EIGHT, SO THIS MUST ALWAYS

BE CHANNEL EIGHT.

WELL, CAN YOU TELL THEM TO STOP DOING THE NEWS?

I CAN ASK.

OH, NOW, THIS IS, SORT OF, YOUR COMMAND MODULE.

BASICALLY, THE JOB IS MEETING AND GREETING THE PUBLIC.

WHEN PEOPLE COME IN, FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE,

SEND THEM WHERE THEY'RE GOING,

AND THEN, GIVE THEM ONE OF THOSE...

PATENTED STEPHANIE SMILES.

WELL, AS THEY SAY IN SHOW BUSINESS,

"LET'S START WORK."

[MAN ON TELEVISION] AND NOW, THE WPIV EDITORIAL.

HERE'S NEWS DIRECTOR, PHILLIP JENKINS.

[MUTES T.V.]

[SIGHS]

HI!

WELCOME TO CHANNEL EIGHT.

HI!

I'M STEVE. I-I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR NEWS PROGRAM,

AND I'M LATE. WHERE DO I GO?

OH.

THAT'S EASY. IT'S DOWN THE HALL

AND TO THE LEFT.

THANKS, MISS.

MICHAEL, CALL FOR YOU ON LINE ONE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HI, IT'S ME.

YEAH, I AM A SCAMP. COULD YOU COME OUT HERE

FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

VERY IMPORTANT.

WHAT-- WHAT IS IT, STEPH?

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MIDMORNING KISS.

OH, STEPH, YOU TURNED-- TURNED THE VOLUME DOWN.

[ON T.V.] LET THE VOICE OF STEVE BE HEARD!

OH, NO!

MICHAEL!

WHAT ABOUT MY KISS?

[STEVE] OUR SOCIETY HAS FALLEN INTO CRISIS!

MOTHER'S DAY SHOULDN'T COME JUST ONCE A YEAR!

IT SHOULD COME TWICE!

LET GO OF ME!

[MUTES T.V.]

HI, DICK. WELCOME TO CHANNEL EIGHT.

- HI. HI, STEPHANIE. - HOW AM I DOING?

I-I JUST GOT HERE.

I KNOW.

WHAT IS-- WHAT DO THEY HAVE ON?

TAG TEAM WRESTLING?

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

[STEVE] LET GO OF MY FOOT!

[MICHAEL] NOT UNTIL YOU LET GO OF MY HAIR!

UH, THAT'S MICHAEL.

AND STEVE.

NOT STEVE!

[MAN ON T.V.] BACK TO THE WPIV EDITORIAL.

CHANNEL EIGHT WELCOMES...

[EXHALES]

STEPH...

WHAT?

NOW, DON'T BE DEFENSIVE.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST LET EVERY CRAZY OFF THE STREET

IN-- INTO THE STUDIO.

WELL, PART OF YOUR JOB IS TO...SCREEN PEOPLE.

NORMAL PEOPLE, LIKE ME AND DICK,

YOU LET IN.

VERY CRAZY PEOPLE...

LIKE STEVE, YOU...

YOU CALL THE POLICE.

- OKAY? - ARE YOU UNHAPPY WITH ME?

NO, OTHERWISE YOU'RE DOING TERRIF'.

- DICK? - RIGHT!

"WELCOME TO CHANNEL EIGHT" WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

[CHUCKLES]

HI, JOAN-- ANY LUCK FINDING THE NEW MAID?

NO, THE AD RAN IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING, BUT NOTHING YET.

- WELL... - WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I FINALLY FIGURED A WAY TO GET DUTCH.

WE'RE GOING BOWLING THIS AFTERNOON.

NOW, PICTURE THIS. FIRST CHANCE I GET,

REAL CASUAL-LIKE, I'LL SAY,

"DUTCH, A PIECE OF GUM?"

"SURE, I'LL HAVE SOME GUM."

THAT WAS DUTCH TALKING. DID YOU GET THAT?

[WHIMPERS]

IS THAT HOT! IT'S PEPPER GUM.

THEN, WHEN HE LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK,

I'LL GIVE HIM THIS.

"THANKS, BUDDY."

GET IT? IT'S A DRIBBLE GLASS!

NOW, HE'S GOT JUICE ALL OVER HIM.

AND WHEN HE LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO WIPE IT OFF WITH,

I'LL SAY, "HERE, USE MY HANDKERCHIEF."

"YOU'RE A LIFESAVER, GEORGE."

BU-- HE--

BUT IT'S A GAG HANDKERCHIEF!

NOW, HIS SHIRT'S ALL STAINED,

HIS HANDS AND FACE ARE BLACK,

AND HIS MOUTH IS BURNING.

IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE A FOOL OR WHAT?

YES.

THANKS. THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO KNOW.

HARLEY? HARLEY ESTIN?

UH, HI, JOANNA.

- HI, BEAVER BROTHER. - HI, HARLEY.

- YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD. - OH, THANKS!

YOU TOO.

CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?

OH, ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TO SEE JOANNA.

OKAY. THEN I BETTER GO FIND SOME TURPENTINE.

THEY SAY THIS STUFF IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OFF.

[CHUCKLES]

- WHAT IS IT, HARLEY? - WELL...

I SAW YOUR AD IN THE PAPER.

AND I'M APPLYING FOR THE POSITION.

- OF MAID? - YUP, I'M YOUR MAN!

BUT I THOUGHT YOU HAD A JOB.

YEAH, I WAS IN DOOR TO DOOR SALES.

BUT A SURPRISING NUMBER OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

TO BUY VEAL DOOR TO DOOR.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

ANYWAY, WHEN THAT FELL THROUGH, I GOT KINDA DESPONDENT.

BUT THEN, I SAW YOUR AD, AND IT WAS LIKE A BEACON!

HARLEY, UH, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL

- ABOUT BEING A MAID? - NO!

WHY? IS THAT A JOB REQUIREMENT?

- WELL, KIND OF. - OH.

OH, DEAR.

I SUPPOSE NOW IF I TOLD YOU I KNEW ALL ABOUT IT,

YOU'D KNOW SOMETHING WAS AFOOT.

- YES. - BUT I CAN LEARN.

AND EVERY BIRD HAS TO FLY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

- EXCEPT PENGUINS. - UH...

- HARLEY, THIS DOESN'T SEEM-- - I WORK REAL HARD!

- I KNOW-- - I'M AWFUL NICE TO BE AROUND.

OH, HARLEY.

I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK OUT.

OH.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

[SIGHS] I GUESS, IN THIS WORLD,

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BE THE PENGUIN.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO MICHAEL?

COULD I ASK WHO'S CALLING?

MIMI?

HE'S NOT IN.

AS A GENERAL RULE, HE'S NOT IN

FOR ANYONE NAMED MIMI.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TAKE A MESSAGE.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY FILING.

THAT WAS PRETTY RUDE, WASN'T IT?

SHE CERTAINLY WAS.

EXCUSE ME, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.

- I-I BEG YOUR PARDON? - EVERY CRAZY ON THE STREET

IS TRYING TO GET IN HERE.

I'M UNDER SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS TO KEEP THEM OUT.

[LAUGHS] DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?

I GUESS NOT.

THOUGH I CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT DRESS.

[SCOFFS] FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I PAID $200 FOR THIS DRESS.

THEN YOU ARE CRAZY.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE WITHOUT A--

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M STEPHANIE, THE RECEPTIONIST.

- WHO HIRED YOU? - MY BOYFRIEND.

- WHO'S YOUR BOYFRIEND? - WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

- THE STATION MANAGER. - DO YOU WORK FOR HIM?

I AM HIM!

I HAVE TO GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM.

- MICHAEL! - OH, GOD.

STEPHANIE? [SIGHS]

OH, HI, FRAN. I-- I LIKE THE PEEK-A-BOO LOOK.

[SCOFFS]

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A DREADFUL RECEPTIONIST.

AND SHE TORE MY DRESS. DUMP HER.

FRAN, I'M NOT SURE THOSE SOUND LIKE REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH THE GIRL.

[LAUGHING] OH, WELL, I DON'T CARE IF YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

I JUST WANT YOU...

TO FIRE HER.

OH.

OH!

[CLICKS ON] UH, INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

FOR MICROBIOLOGIST,

DR. GEORGIA DUCKETT.

UH, QUESTION...

NUMBER ONE.

UM...

"TELL ME...

"GEORGIA...

"GEORGIA...

[CLICKS OFF]

DICK, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

REALLY? WHAT-- WHAT IS IT?

FRAN SAYS I'VE GOT TO FIRE STEPHANIE.

MICHAEL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A PROBLEM

"WE" HAVE.

- WHAT-WHAT-- WHAT HAPPENED? - HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WE'RE PROBABLY INTO THE INCOMPETENT THING.

DICK, I CAN'T FIRE MY STEADY.

WELL, IT ISN'T GONNA BE EASY. SHE-SHE LOVES IT HERE.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD OFFER HER A MASSIVE RAISE

TO COME BACK AS A MAID?

THEN I'D BE INTO THE INCOMPETENCE THING.

BUT DICK, IF I FIRE HER, SHE'LL HATE ME.

SHE WON'T HATE YOU.

I MEAN, NOT IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS ANY DEPTH OR MATURITY.

WELL, DICK, NOW, YOU'RE JUST SCARING ME.

MICHAEL, THERE'S SOME THINGS YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK OUT

- FOR YOURSELF. - THANKS A LOT, DICK.

YOU CAN BUY PILLOWS THAT SAY THAT.

UH, WHERE WAS I? REWIND.

[CLICKS] GEORGIA...

BOY, WHAT A FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

YEAH, I-- I HOPE YOU AREN'T...

TOO DISAPPOINTED.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOVE THIS PLACE.

YOU DO?

DI-- UH, DIDN'T YOU TALK TO MICHAEL?

YEAH. JUST NOW.

ISN'T IT EXCITING?

WHAT-- WHAT IS?

THAT I'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

PROM-- PROMOTED TO WHAT?

YOUR SECRETARY.

RIGHT.

W-WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU WAIT HERE, UH, FOR--

FOR JUST A SECOND?

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

YO.

YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE A MISERABLE, SNEAKY, CONNIVING COWARD.

PROBLEM, DICK?

YOU KNOW IT! YOU TOLD STEPHANIE SHE WAS GONNA BE MY SECRETARY.

WELL, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, DICK, BUT HAVEN'T YOU BEEN

- BEGGING FOR A SECRETARY? - NOT STEPHANIE!

WHY NOT? SHE'S AN EXPERIENCED RECEPTIONIST.

SHE'S BEEN A RECEPTIONIST FOR 90 MINUTES!

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WH-WHY DON'T YOU JUST

- GIVE HER A CHANCE? - NO!

WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIRE HER.

NO WAY! YOU FIRE HER.

DICK, I CAN'T. I KNOW STEPHANIE.

LIPS THAT GIVE NOTICE WILL NEVER TOUCH HERS.

BASICALLY, YOU'VE GOT A LOT LESS TO LOSE.

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ONE TO FIRE HER,

SO YOU CAN HAVE HAPPY LIPS.

GREAT! THEN SHE'LL STAY.

SHE CAN'T! SHE'LL KEEP SHOWING UP HERE,

EVERYDAY AT THE OFFICE, AND WE'LL STILL HAVE A PROBLEM.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DICK. DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PROBLEM

"WE" HAVE.

STEPHANIE, I-- I THINK WE'D BETTER...

WHAT... WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TYPING UP YOUR NOTES FOR YOU.

WHAT-- WHAT NOTES?

[DICK ON TAPE] GEORGIA...

YOU-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

OH, I DON'T MIND.

I'M FULFILLING MYSELF.

THIS MORNING, RECEPTIONIST, AND NOW, SECRETARY

TO AN ON-AIR PERSONALITY.

THIS IS GREAT. I FINALLY FOUND

SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT.

"GEORGIE ON MY MINK?"

TA-DA!

UH, STEPHANIE-- UH, MAYBE YOU STILL

HAVEN'T FOUND THAT...

ELUSIVE SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DICK?

WHAT I-- WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU'RE....

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE MY SECRETARY.

- I'M NOT? - NO.

AM I GOING TO BE PROMOTED AGAIN?

NO.

THEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO BE?

UM, FIRED.

WHAT?

M-- MICHAEL WAS SUPPOSE TO FIRE YOU AS--

AS RECEPTIONIST.

MICHAEL WANTED TO FIRE ME?

NO, TH-THE STATION MANAGER TOLD HIM TO, BUT...

HE COULDN'T DO IT, SO...

HE HIRED YOU AS-- AS MY SECRETARY.

OH.

WELL, WHO'S MAKING YOU FIRE ME?

THE STATION MANAGER?

BU-- UH, NO.

NOT MICHAEL?

NO.

WELL, THAT CERTAINLY NARROWS IT DOWN.

MICHAEL WAS SUPPOSE TO FIRE YOU IN-IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT HE'S TOO MUCH OF A MAN TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU'RE TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS.

[VOICE BREAKS] I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I HAVE NO MONEY. [SNIFFLES]

I HAVE NO FUTURE.

[CRIES] AND I HAVE A GRAY HAIR!

UM...S-STEPHANIE, PLEA-- PLEASE DON'T CRY.

[SNIFFLES] THERE'S NOTHING SADDER

THAN A PERKY BLONDE ON THE SKIDS.

LOOK, HOW-HOW-- HOW ABOUT YOU COME BACK

TO THE INN AND-AND WORK FOR US?

AS WHAT?

AS-- AS THE MAID.

BUT I'VE DONE THAT.

NOT-- NOT REALLY.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO MAID'S WORK.

THAT WAS JUST TAKING ORDERS.

HERE AT THE STATION, I HAD RESPONSIBILITIES.

BUT HERE-- HERE AT THE STATION, YOU-- YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I HAVE MY MEMORIES.

HOW ABOUT ME GIVING YOU A RAISE?

SAY, UH-- UH, TEN PERCENT?

I DON'T WANT YOUR GUILT MONEY.

IT-IT-- IT'S NOT GUILT MONEY.

WE-WE-- WE NEED YOU. I MEAN, THE-THE PLACE

HASN'T BEEN THE SAME, SINCE-- SINCE YOU LEFT

TH-THIS MORNING.

- YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. - NO-NO-- NO, I'M-I'M NOT.

YOU'RE THE-- YOU'RE THE...

BEST GOSH DARN MAID WE'VE, UH...

WE'VE-WE'VE EVER HAD.

OH, YOU REALLY DO NEED ME?

YEAH.

THEN I'M WORTH MORE THAN TEN PERCENT.

MAKE IT 15 AND YOU'VE GOT ME.

[SIGHS] I'VE--

I GUESS I GOT YOU.

OH, BOY!

[INHALES] OH!

I'M GOING TO TAKE MICHAEL OUT TO DINNER TO CELEBRATE.

AND TO THANK HIM FOR STANDING UP FOR ME.

[EXHALES] I'LL USE MY FIRST WEEK'S RAISE, SO...

IT'LL BE, KIND OF, YOUR TREAT.

- HI, I'M BACK! - HI, STEPHANIE.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY?

AS WHAT? A RECEPTIONIST, DICK'S SECRETARY,

- OR YOUR NEW MAID? - OUR NEW MAID?

[GIGGLES] YEAH, I'M REALLY BACK!

- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? - HO-HONEY, IT WAS AWFUL.

STEPHANIE IS A TERRIBLE RECEPTIONIST.

MICHAEL STUCK ME WITH THE JOB OF FIRING HER.

AND-AND I-- I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO--

TO NOT TAKE HER BACK HERE.

WELL, I UNDERSTAND, DICK, BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.

- WHAT? - I HIRED A MAID TODAY.

NOW, DON'T WORRY. IT WAS ONLY ON A TRIAL BASIS,

AND IT'S NOT WORKING OUT, BUT...

I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO THE FIRING.

- COULD YOU? - I CAN'T!

- OH, PLEASE, DICK! - HONEY, ONE FIRING A DAY IS ENOUGH.

THIS ONE IS YOURS.

OKAY, I'LL TRY.

HEY, BOSS!

JOANNA SAID YOU WANTED TO SPEAK TO ME?

MEOW.