Original subtitles

�� [THEME]

- HI. - OH, HI.

I'M STUART COSWELL, AND I HAD A RESERVATION.

- OH, YES. - YEAH.

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME, MR. COSWELL.

TODAY IS OUR MAID'S DAY OFF.

THE ONLY CHANCE I HAVE TO GET THE CLEANING DONE.

HERE YOU GO. THERE.

THANK YOU.

[STUART LAUGHS]

I'LL GET OUR HANDYMAN TO CARRY YOUR THINGS

UPSTAIRS FOR YOU.

THAT'S OKAY. I'D PREFER TO CARRY MY BAGS MYSELF.

SEE, IT'S EASIER.

MR. COSWELL. I OUGHT TO TELL YOU

THAT WE CAN'T ALLOW PETS.

YOU CAN'T?

WELL. GOOD POLICIES.

YOU KNOW, I HATE 'EM. YUCK.

THIS MIGHT SOUND NITPICKY, BUT THAT BOX

DOES LOOK LIKE IT COULD CONTAIN A YUCKY PET.

[STUART LAUGHS]

DON'T BE SILLY. NO, YOU SEE, THIS...

THIS IS SOCKS.

THEN WHY ARE THERE AIR HOLES?

I DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE CLEAN.

ROOM SEVEN.

AND, UH, THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE LOBBY.

[WOMAN GASPS] OH...

WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU WERE HERE BEFORE.

THIS-- THIS IS WHERE YOU CHECKED IN.

AND I STILL LOVE IT.

WELL, FEEL FREE

TO HUG A WALL.

WHAT-- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME CLEANING DONE.

OH RIGHT. THIS IS STEPHANIE'S DAY OFF.

SAY, DICK, YOU KNOW THOSE CELTICS TICKETS

YOU WERE TRYING TO GET, AND I SAID

I COULD GET THEM FOR YOU? WELL, GUESS WHAT?

- YOU GOT 'EM? - NO.

BUT MY FRIEND DUTCH DID, AND HE GAVE THEM TO ME.

OH. THANKS, GEORGE.

HEY, DICK, I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING

THERE ARE TWO TICKETS THERE.

WERE YOU PLANNING TO TAKE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

YEAH, GEORGE, I WAS PLANNING ON TAKING YOU.

OH. WELL,

IT'S KIND OF LAST-MINUTE, BUT OKAY.

MR. LOUDON, YOU'VE DONE SUCH A FABULOUS JOB

OF PRESERVING THIS PLACE.

YOU'RE JUST WONDERFUL.

WELL, THE GUEST IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

- MR. LOUDON-- - OR YOU CAN CALL ME

MR. WONDERFUL.

WELL, I'D LIKE US TO STICK WITH THE NAME ON THE ARREST WARRANT.

- ARREST WARRANT? - YOU'RE ARRESTING DICK?

YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.

WELL, WHAT DID HE DO?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

WHAT'D I DO?

WELL, YOU...

HELD UP A LIQUOR STORE.

WHAT?

OH, SORRY. WRONG WARRANT.

APPARENTLY YOU FAILED TO PAY SOME PARKING FINES.

WELL, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

I HAD A COUPLE OF TICKETS, BUT I PAID THEM.

I NEVER GET TIRED OF HEARING THAT ONE.

BUT JUST THE SAME, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME DOWN

- TO THE STATION WITH ME. - I'LL FOLLOW YOU DOWN.

YOU'LL PROBABLY WANNA BRING SOME MONEY, MA'AM.

OR HIS TOOTHBRUSH, DEPENDING ON HOW BADLY YOU WANT HIM BACK.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS.

WE'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

WELL, JUST IN CASE YOU'RE NOT, MR. LOUDON.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU HAVE A LOVELY HIDEOUT.

NOW-- NOW DICK, JUST TRY AND COOL DOWN.

I DON'T WANNA COOL DOWN. I WAS ARRESTED

IN FRONT OF MY GUESTS. I WAS THROWN IN A CELL

WITH A GUY WHO ACTUALLY SMELLED LIKE

HE COULD'VE BEEN JACK DANIELS.

AND THEN THAT JUDGE FINED ME $275 WORTH

FOR A CRIME I NEVER COMMITTED.

WELL, I BELIEVE YOU, HONEY, BUT THAT WAS NO REASON

TO LOSE YOUR HEAD OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE.

HONEY, IN THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS,

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE IS A BIRTHRIGHT.

BESIDES, I DON'T THINK THE JUDGE EVEN SAW

WHO THREW THAT SNOWBALL.

DICK.

DICK, ISN'T IT REMOTELY POSSIBLE

THAT YOU FORGOT TO PAY THOSE PARKING TICKETS?

NO, AND I'M GOING TO PROVE IT.

OUT OF MY WAY!

WHO'RE YOU TALKING TO?

A CHAIR!

OH, HELLO, MR. COSWELL.

OH HI.

GEE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU STANDING THERE.

- I'VE BEEN ON A DIET. - AH.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, UH... WELL,

I GOT A LITTLE HUNGRY, SO I FIXED MYSELF A SNACK.

RAW LIVER.

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S MY ONE WEAKNESS.

YOU'D BE AMAZED AT HOW MANY RESTAURANTS

OVERCOOK IT.

- AH-HAH! - "AH-HAH" WHAT?

AH-HAH, I WAS RIGHT. I DID PAY THOSE TRAFFIC FINES.

I HAVE THE CANCELED CHECKS HERE.

NOW MAYBE THE JUDGE'LL LISTEN TO REASON.

ASSUMING HE'S GOTTEN ALL THE SNOW OUT OF HIS EAR.

I WAS AIMING FOR HIS HAT.

DICK. HONEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD WAIT

UNTIL YOU'RE IN A LESS VENGEFUL MOOD?

I'M NOT VENGEFUL.

I'M SIMPLY GOING TO GO DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE

AND LAY THE CANCELED CHECKS OUT, ONE BY ONE,

UNDER THE BEAK OF THAT BLACK COW, POMPOUS,

TOAD OF A JUDGE.

BOY, DID I TAKE THE RIGHT DAY OFF

OR WHAT?

- SO HOW WAS SKIING? - WONDERFUL.

I HAD A LESSON WITH THE SINGLE MOST GORGEOUS

SKI INSTRUCTOR ON THIS PLANET.

- WOLFGANG. - STEPHANIE.

OH, HE DOESN'T MIND.

DO YOU, WOLFIE?

- NEIN. - [BOTH LAUGH]

WHERE'S DICK? WE'VE GOTTA TRY THIS OUT ON HIM.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

- DICK WAS ARRESTED. - ARRESTED? FOR WHAT?

FAILURE TO PAY PARKING FINES.

BUT IT'S JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.

HE'S GONE TO STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT.

MIKE, WILL YOU WANT TO STAY FOR LUNCH?

NO THANKS, I NIBBLED STEPHIE'S EAR ON THE CHAIR LIFT.

WHY THE LONG FACE, INGRID?

MICHAEL, DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN DICK AND JOANNA WENT TO THAT

WRITERS' CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK?

HOW COULD I FORGET? THAT'S THE WEEK WE HAD TO

REPLACE DICK'S SHOW WITH THAT MUNSTER RERUN.

MONSTER RATINGS.

WELL, WHILE THEY WERE GONE, I BORROWED DICK'S CAR.

AND I GOT SOME PARKING TICKETS.

BUT I GUESS I FORGOT

TO TELL HIM ABOUT, UH, PAY.

BAD FORM, STEPH. WHY WERE USING HIS CAR?

IT'S AMERICAN, ISN'T IT?

I WAS BUYING SHOES. I NEEDED A WAGON.

WELL, YOU HAVE A PERFECT EXPLANATION.

SO YOU DON'T THINK HE'LL BE MAD?

- WITH THAT LITTLE NOSE? - YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WAS BEING A DUMMKOPF.

OH, SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, MR. LOUDON.

I HOPE THIS WON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

I'VE GOT A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

SOMEONE BEAMED ME WITH A SNOWBALL THIS MORNING.

KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UM, JUDGE DRAYTON, UM,

I'M SURE YOU'RE PROBABLY A DECENT GUY,

BUT YOUR DECISION THIS MORNING

REALLY SUCKED ROPE.

YOUR HONOR.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MR. LOUDON.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

- I AM? - YEAH, IN REVIEWING YOUR FILE,

I FOUND A SERIOUS OVERSIGHT.

YOU WERE FINED $275.

IT SHOULD'VE BEEN 300.

WHAT?

IT'S TIME I GOT A NEW CALCULATOR.

THIS OLD ONE...

SUCKS ROPE, IS IT?

BUT-- BUT I'M NOT GUILTY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU'RE GUILTY OF FALSE ARREST.

EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE HERE THREE--

COUNT THEM, THREE--

CANCELED CHECKS MADE OUT

TO THE MUNICIPAL COURT FOR PARKING VIOLATIONS.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

READ THEM AND WEEP.

WELL, I'LL BE.

YOU DID PAY THEM.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, YOU FAILED TO PAY

FOUR.

FIVE.

SIX.

FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX?

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

BUT I-- I NEVER GOT THOSE.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

YOU-- YOU SHOULD BE...

DISROBED.

MR. LOUDON, YOU SEEM TO HAVE A SLIGHT ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

OBVIOUSLY JUST FINING YOU WASN'T ENOUGH.

MAYBE SOME COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK

WOULD DO YOU GOOD.

COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK?

YES, THAT'S WHERE YOU CHEERFULLY DONATE

ALL YOUR FREE TIME FOR SOME

COMMUNITY IMPROVEMENT PROJECT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME.

I'M A JUDGE.

YOU START TOMORROW.

BUT I'M BUSY TOMORROW.

I HAVE TICKETS TO THE CELTICS GAME.

YOU DO? YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

WELL. YOU WERE.

WELL, NOW, I'LL MISS THE GAME.

THIS IS A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

LOOK, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS...

I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM

ANYMORE.

YOU MAY NOT, MR. LOUDON.

BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT COMMUNITY SERVICE WILL DO.

- WHAT'S THAT? - IT'LL KEEP YOU TOO BUSY

TO THROW ANY MORE SNOWBALLS.

HI, HONEY. DID YOU GET EVERYTHING

STRAIGHTENED OUT WITH THE JUDGE?

OH, YEAH.

HE FELT SO BAD HE'S GONNA

LET ME PAINT THE TOWN HALL.

- WHAT? - HE SENTENCED ME

TO 20 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK STARTING TOMORROW.

CLAIMS I HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT JERK?

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA MISS THE GAME TOMORROW?

WHAT A JERK. I'M SO MAD I COULD KICK SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. DIDN'T YOU SHOW HIM

THE CANCELED CHECKS?

THEN HE SHOWED ME THREE MORE TICKETS

THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER GETTING.

UNLESS...

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

GEORGE, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'LL NEED TO HEAR THE WHOLE QUESTION, DICK.

DID YOU GET ANY PARKING TICKETS WITH MY CAR?

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TEAR MY FILES APART,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, I NEVER GOT

TICKETS FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX.

DID I HEAR DICK COME BACK?

[DICK] OUT OF MY WAY!

- WHO'S HE TALKING TO? - A CHAIR.

I WOULDN'T GO IN THERE IF I WERE YOU.

- WHY NOT? - BECAUSE THE JUDGE

SENTENCED DICK TO 20 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE.

HE'S MADDER THAN I'VE EVER SEEN HIM.

[CLATTER]

- AH-HAH! - "AH-HAH" WHAT?

AH-HAH. I FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING TO KICK.

GEORGE, IF YOU GET A CHANCE,

YOU MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT THE DESK.

AND HONEY, IF YOU GET A CHANCE,

YOU MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT MY FOOT.

[DICK] IF YOU START UP WITH ME...

STEPHANIE. YOU DIDN'T GET ANY TICKETS

USING DICK'S CAR, DID YOU?

WHY WOULD I USE DICK'S CAR? IT'S AMERICAN.

OH. OF COURSE.

STEPHANIE, IS ANYTHING WRONG?

WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

WELL, YOU'RE...

WORKING.

HARD.

IT'LL PASS.

HI, MRS. LOUDON. CAN STEPHIE COME OUT AND PLAY,

OR IS SHE GROUNDED?

- GROUNDED? - MICHAEL!

WHOA. TURBO-KISS.

NICE JUMPSUIT, DICK.

MID-LIFE CRISIS?

NO, THEY HAVE THIS RULE THAT SAYS,

IF YOU DO COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK,

YOU HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THE VILLAGE IDIOT.

COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK?

YOU KNOW, FOR THOSE PARKING VIOLATIONS DICK GOT.

ALLEGEDLY GOT.

AHH.

OH.

LISTEN, STEPH, I'M FEELING MADCAP TODAY.

WHAT SAY WE TRY OUT THAT NEW HAIR SALON.

NO, I'M JUST GOING TO STAY HERE AND WORK.

POOR STEPH. HOW ABOUT IF I BRING YOU BACK

- A LOCK OF MY HAIR? - OKAY.

REMEMBER. YOU'VE GOT THAT CUTE LITTLE NOSE.

NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

HERE'S YOUR LUNCH, HONEY.

JOANNA, I WAS ORDERED TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK,

NOT IMPERSONATE RALPH KRAMDEN.

GEORGE?

YEAH, DICK?

YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE THIS CELTICS TICKET

TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

AH, GEE, DICK.

MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO THE JUDGE ONE MORE TIME.

GEORGE, IF I TRY TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE ANY MORE,

I'LL WIND UP ON DEATH ROW.

DICK!

WHAT?

HAVE FUN.

YEAH. YEAH, WE'RE TALKING MARDI GRAS.

AH, MR. COSWELL.

WHERE ARE WE OFF TO?

WE?

OH, OH YEAH, WELL, I THOUGHT I'D, YOU KNOW,

TAKE IN THE SIGHTS.

YOUR SOCKS SHOULD ENJOY THAT.

AH, YEAH. YEAH, THEY SURE COULD

USE SOME FRESH AIR.

MR. COSWELL, IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR

THAT YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK THERE ARE SOCKS IN HERE.

I THINK THAT WHAT'S IN HERE IS...

NOTHING.

HUH. SUPPOSE THERE'S A RULE AGAINST THAT, HUH?

OH, MR. COSWELL. I'M SO SORRY.

I WAS SURE YOU WERE HIDING A PET IN HERE.

I'M JUST SO EMBARRASSED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I-- I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE ME.

OH, HERE, HAVE A POSTCARD.

OH BOY. OH BOY.

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES CASUALLY]

- GEORGE. - YEAH?

DID YOU EVER GET PUNISHED WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?

WELL, SURE. DIDN'T EVERYONE?

NOT ME.

NEVER?

NOT EVEN THE TIME I CUT LEATHER DOLL CLOTHES

OUT OF THE UPHOLSTERY IN MY FATHER'S ROLLS-ROYCE.

AND HE DIDN'T PUNISH YOU FOR THAT?

HE GAVE ME A PONY.

WHOA.

HE SAID I'D SHOWN INGENUITY AND IMAGINATION.

WELL, I HAD, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IF I'D EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

MY FATHER WOULD'VE TAKEN ME OUT TO THE WOODSHED

AND SMOKED MY BEHIND BUT GOOD.

GEE, HE MUST'VE REALLY HATED YOU.

NO, HE LOVED ME.

BUT HE GOT SO ANGRY.

WELL, YEAH, BUT AFTER A COUPLE HOURS,

HE'D BE SAYING, "HEY, GEORGE,

YOU WANNA PLAY SOME CATCH?"

AND YOU'D GO PLAY WITH HIM,

AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE AGAIN?

WELL, FIRST I'D THROW THE BALL OVER HIS HEAD A FEW TIMES.

MAKE HIM CHASE IT.

AND THEN EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

GEORGE.

COULD I HAVE THAT EXTRA BASKETBALL TICKET?

I HAVE SOMEBODY I WANT TO GIVE IT TO.

SURE.

AND TELL JOANNA

I HAD TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE.

WHERE SHALL I TELL HER YOU WENT?

TO THE WOODSHED.

YOU MISSED A SPOT.

I DIDN'T MISS A SPOT. THIS IS CHEAP PAINT.

OH. THEN I GUESS YOU'D BETTER GIVE IT A SECOND COAT

WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.

WELP, I'D BETTER PICK UP SOME BREWSKIS.

GUYS ARE COMING OVER TO WATCH THE CELTICS GAME THIS AFTERNOON.

I HAD TICKETS TO THAT GAME.

LOOKS LIKE YOU PAID FOR THE WRONG TICKETS.

WRONG TICKETS, HUH?

HI.

HI, STEPHANIE. WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I THOUGHT I'D JUST...

YOU KNOW, DROP IN

AND SAY HI.

SEE IF YOU NEEDED ANYTHING.

POSSIBLY THROW MYSELF AT YOUR FEET

AND BEG YOU TO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

FORGIVE ME.

OH.

SHOULD--

SHOULD THIS BE MAKING SENSE?

DICK.

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN YOU AND JOANNA WENT TO THAT

WRITERS' CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK?

AND YOU TOOK HER CAR?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T TAKE

YOUR CAR.

SORRY, I DIDN'T TAKE--

MY CAR.

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I DID.

TRY ME.

I BORROWED YOUR CAR.

AH.

AND... THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT SOME PARKING TICKETS.

AH.

WHY--

WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY THEM?

I WAS GOING TO.

BUT THERE WAS A SERIES OF MONETARY DISASTERS.

OH.

LIKE...

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, MY HAIRDRYER DIED.

AND I HAD AN OVERDUE PHONE BILL.

YOU HAVE TO PAY THOSE, OR YOU CAN GET

IN REALLY BIG TROUBLE.

REALLY.

YEAH.

AND...

AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,

CALLUM'S HAD THIS HUGE SWEATER SALE.

A SWEATER SALE IS NOT A DISASTER.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN

IF I HADN'T GOTTEN THIS PURPLE ONE.

LET-- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU-- YOU BORROWED MY CAR,

RAN UP SOME TICKETS,

DIDN'T PAY THEM. DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME.

LET ME TAKE THE WRAP SO I'M STANDING HERE

IN THIS SILLY JUMPSUIT

AND MISSING THE BASKETBALL GAME

OF THE CENTURY?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE TAKING IT LIKE THIS.

I WAS AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO YELL.

I'M TOO MAD TO YELL!

WELL, THAT'S SURE A RELIEF.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?

I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU!

BUT YOU WERE SO MAD.

YOU HAD THIS LOOK IN YOUR EYE--

THAT'S THE ONE.

AND THE LONGER I WAITED, THE HARDER IT GOT.

THAT IS NO EXCUSE.

WELL, IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR A PERSON TO DO

THE DECENT THING IF THEY MADE IT MORE FUN, YOU KNOW.

STEPHANIE, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED?

I BUSHWHACKED THE JUDGE.

I'M GOING TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING ON MONDAY.

AND, HERE.

YOU CAN STILL MAKE THE GAME.

NO, I CAN'T.

IF JUDGE DRAYTON FINDS OUT I LEFT HERE,

HE'LL SENTENCE ME TO...

15 YEARS IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

OH.

WELL.

I GUESS IF ANYONE HAS TO PAINT THIS PLACE,

IT SHOULD BE...

SOMEONE ELSE.

LIKE WHO?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL PAINT IT FOR YOU.

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR.

GEORGE GOT TO PLAY CATCH.

I'D ASK.

BUT THAT MEANS THAT I...

I HAVE A TIPOFF...

TO MISS.

DICK?

DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

�� [THEME MUSIC]