Original subtitles

WALT? GEORGE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE NEXT THURSDAY--

WHY NOT?

OH, NO. YOU LOST ANOTHER ONE?

WALT, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER

TO TURN OFF THE MILKING MACHINE.

WELL, THEN DON'T MILK DURING FAMILY FEUD.

OH, COME ANYWAY. IT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

OH, GREAT. I BETTER GO.

I GOT ABOUT A MILLION BEAVERS TO CALL.

BYE.

SOMETHING GOING ON AT THE LODGE?

SURE IS.

NEXT WEEK, WE'RE HONORING OUR MAN OF THE YEAR,

AND, UH, GUESS WHO'S OUR MAN OF THE YEAR?

YOU?

WHOA. TALK ABOUT WOMAN'S INTUITION.

IT'S HERE.

IT ARRIVED.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?

DeFOREST COSMETICS. AND IT'S ALL MINE.

STEPHANIE, WHERE DID YOU BUY ALL THIS?

I DIDN'T BUY IT. IT WAS FREE.

ONE STARTER KIT...

ANOTHER ONE, ANOTHER ONE...

OH, LORD. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

STEPHANIE, THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT

TO GET FOR FREE.

ISN'T IT?

MOISTURIZER, BLUSHER...

APRICOT SCRUB.

IS THIS YOUR SIGNATURE?

ON THIS CONTRACT?

I DIDN'T SIGN A CONTRACT.

I FILLED OUT A COUPON.

ACCORDING TO THIS,

ONE OF THE KITS IS YOUR FREE GIFT.

YOU HAVE TO SELL THE OTHERS OR PAY FOR THEM.

$625.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CATCH.

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S MEAN.

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.

WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO SELL THEM.

SELL THEM?

JOANNA...

I'M A BUYER BY BIRTH.

CAN YOU PICTURE THESE HANDS MAKING CHANGE?

SELLING ISN'T SO BAD, STEPHANIE.

IT--IT'S JUST, UH, WELL, YOU KNOW...

TALKING TO PEOPLE AND GETTING THEM TO SEE

THAT THEY NEED YOUR PRODUCT.

OH.

JOANNA...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THOSE CROW'S FEET?

STEPHANIE, I'M WILLING TO BUY ONE OF THE KITS,

AND I DO NOT HAVE CROW'S FEET.

IF I AGREE WITH YOU, WILL YOU TAKE TWO?

JUST ONE.

WELL, ONE KIT IN ONE SECOND.

MAYBE I AM GOOD AT THIS.

WELL, SO FAR I'VE GOT HARLEY, DWAYNE, AND WALT...

OH, BY THE WAY, WALT KILLED ANOTHER COW.

YEAH. FAMILY FEUD AGAIN.

HI, HONEY.

WHAT'S--WHAT'S THE BOX?

JUST STEPHANIE'S MAKEUP.

AH.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T ASKED HIM YET.

YEAH. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW. BYE.

ASK ME WHAT, GEORGE?

DICK, NEXT THURSDAY,

THE BEAVERS ARE HONORING THEIR MAN OF THE YEAR,

AND GUESS WHO'S THE MAN OF THE YEAR.

OH, NO. NOT ME.

NO. ME.

WELL.

WELL, CON-- CONGRATULATIONS, GEORGE.

YOU--YOU MUST FEEL VERY HONORED.

I--I--I KNOW I WOULD.

I DO.

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE A ROAST FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, A BIG DINNER

WHERE PEOPLE TELL JOKES ABOUT ME.

I'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE ALL DAY INVITING EVERYONE.

YOU--YOU'RE INVITING PEOPLE TO YOUR OWN ROAST?

YEAH. IT'S PART OF THE HONOR.

I ALSO GET TO BUY THE FOOD AND PUT UP THE DECORATIONS.

THAT--THAT'S A LOT OF HONOR.

AND DICK, I'D LIKE YOU TO COME.

I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE THE BEAVERS, BUT--

GEOR--GEORGE, WHY--WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?

YOU NEVER COME TO ANY OF THE FUNCTIONS.

GEORGE, WE WENT TO THE PICNIC

LAST SUMMER, REMEMBER?

YEAH. I WAS--I WAS TEAMED IN THE--THE THREE-LEGGED RACE

WITH AL "SWEATY" WHITLOW.

WELL, BUT THAT'S THE LAST ONE YOU WENT TO.

YEAH.

WELL, GEORGE, SINCE IT IS YOUR NIGHT, I'LL COME.

OH, DICK, THAT'S GREAT.

AND YOU'LL BE A SPEAKER TOO?

YOU--YOU MEAN TELL JOKES? UM...

GEORGE, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT REALLY GOOD

AT THAT SORT OF THING.

SURE YOU ARE.

YOU'LL HAVE 'EM ROLLING IN THE AISLES.

WELL, THE BEAVERS ARE ALWAYS ROLLING IN THE AISLES.

OH, DO IT, DICK. IT'LL BE FUN.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE PICNIC.

COME ON, DICK. DO IT FOR ME.

GEORGE, YOU--YOU REALLY WANT ME TO ROAST YOU?

LIKE A PIG.

SINCE YOU PUT IT THAT WAY.

TERRIFIC. I BETTER GET STARTED.

I'VE GOT A PODIUM TO BUILD.

DO I KNOW HOW TO GIVE A ROAST OR WHAT?

GEORGE... UTLEY...

IS SO...

PLEASANT THAT...

[SIGHS]

SO...

NICE...

[SIGHS]

SO...

AFFABLE...

SO... WHAT?

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

OH, HI--HI, MR. BRIDGES.

UH, THANK YOU-- THANK YOU FOR CALLING BACK.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU'RE AN OLD SCHOOL CHUM OF GEORGE'S,

AND--AND I--I FIGURED MAYBE YOU MIGHT HAVE

SOME FUNNY STORIES ABOUT THINGS THAT--THAT GEORGE DID.

HE--HE FORGOT HIS HAT ONE DAY.

UH-HUH. WE--WH--UH...

WH--WHAT ELSE?

THE HAT-- THE HAT WAS IT.

YEAH, UH, "SIDE-SPLITTER" WAS THE WORD

I WAS THINKING OF TOO.

THA--THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI, CONSUMER.

YOU KNOW, A WOMAN'S FACE IS HER CALLING CARD,

AND IT'S--

STEPHANIE, JOANNA ALREADY HAS ONE OF YOU MAKEUP KITS.

YEAH, AND SHE LOVES IT.

I THINK SHE'S ALMOST USED IT ALL UP.

AFTER THREE DAYS?

ALL RIGHT.

STUPID STUFF ISN'T MOVING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

DeFOREST IS THE BEST MAKEUP YOU CAN GET.

I WEAR IT.

I THOUGHT EVERYBODY WOULD WANNA LOOK LIKE ME.

IF I WEREN'T ME, I WOULD.

WELL, MAYBE YOU JUST HAVEN'T TRIED HARD ENOUGH.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HAVE SPENT THE ENTIRE MORNING KNOCKING ON DOORS,

AND EVERYBODY JUST KEEPS TELLING ME I'M A PEST.

WHEN ARE WE GETTING SOME NEW GUESTS?

HI, ALL.

HI, GEORGE.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BUY SOME MAKEUP, WOULD YOU?

OKAY.

GEOR--GEORGE, WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU--YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I'M NOT DEAD, DICK.

THAT'LL BE $24.95.

GEE, THAT'S PRETTY STEEP. I--

OH, IT'S DeFOREST.

WELL, THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN GET.

MY FIRST NON-SYMPATHY SALE.

UH, IS THIS THE SHELF THAT'S LOOSE?

YEAH.

ARE YOU WORKING ON THE STUFF FOR MY ROAST?

YES. YES I AM, GEORGE.

CAN I TAKE A PEAK?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S--IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH.

"GEORGE UTLEY IS SO..."

THAT'S GOOD.

GEOR--GEORGE, IT DOESN'T HAVE A PUNCH LINE YET.

WELL, WITH A START LIKE THAT,

MAYBE YOU WON'T NEED ONE.

BOY, DICK. 20 MORE LIKE THAT,

MAYBE EVEN A COUPLE WITH ENDINGS,

WE GOT OURSELVES A ROAST.

BOY, THAT HUSBAND OF YOURS.

IT'S GOING WELL?

YEAH. I'M THE--I'M THE KING OF THE HALF-LINERS.

I--I JUST CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNY

TO SAY ABOUT GEORGE.

I MEAN, HE'S--HE'S SUCH A NICE GUY.

I MEAN, GEORGE REALLY LENDS HIMSELF

MORE TO--TO A EULOGY.

DICK.

THERE MUST BE LOTS OF FUNNY THINGS

YOU COULD SAY ABOUT GEORGE.

NOT ALIVE.

OH, COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT...

WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME HE WENT TO BOSTON,

AND HE BROUGHT BACK A CAN OF BAKED BEANS.

WHAT--WHAT ABOUT IT?

WELL, THAT WAS A CUTE STORY.

GEORGE ISN'T VERY WELL-TRAVELED.

I MIGHT BE ABLE-- ABLE TO USE THAT.

THERE YOU GO. I GAVE YOU THE BEGINNING.

YOU JUST HAVE TO TACK ON AN ENDING.

ENDING.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, AND YOU TALK ABOUT SLOW...

GEORGE IS SO SLOW, ONE DAY AT SCHOOL,

HE FORGOT HIS HAT.

BOY, THAT HAT STORY.

WILL I EVER LIVE THAT DOWN?

OUR NEXT SPEAKER IS A GOOD FRIEND OF GEORGE'S.

WELCOME HARLEY ESTIN.

[APPLAUSE]

UH, A FR--A FRENCHMAN, A ENGLISHMAN,

AND GEORGE...

GO INTO A DOCTOR, AND THE DOCTOR TELLS 'EM

THEY HAVE SIX MONTHS TO LIVE,

AND THEY CAN HAVE ANYTHING THEY WANT.

UH, THEN THE OTHER TWO GUYS

SAY SOME STUFF THAT ISN'T SO FUNNY...

BUT THEN, GEORGE SAYS, "I WANNA SEE ANOTHER DOCTOR."

[LAUGHTER]

GEORGE--GEORGE ISN'T MARRIED,

BUT IF HE WAS, HIS WIFE WOULD BE FAT.

HOW FAT?

OH. LET'S SEE. UH...

SO FAT, SHE'D NEED HER OWN AREA CODE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, UM...

IF, UH-- IF, UH, IF--

IF I COULD GET SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT...

AS YOU ALL KNOW...

I'VE BEEN WORKING DOWN AT FERGUSON'S FEED STORE,

WELL, THAT IS, UNTIL TODAY...

THERE WAS A SLIGHT ACCIDENT.

I NEVER KNEW OATS WERE COMBUSTIBLE.

ANYWAY, I'M SORTA OUT OF WORK AGAIN,

WELL, SO IS EVERYONE DOWN AT FERGUSON'S.

SO, IF YOU KNOW OF ANY OPENINGS,

UH, I'M ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN THE FENCE-RELATED INDUSTRIES.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THIS CRAZY NUT-BUCKET HERE.

[CHEERS]

IS THIS ONE FOR THE BEAVER BOOK OF MEMORIES, OR WHAT?

[LAUGHS]

I TELL YA, I LAUGHED SO HARD,

I SNEEZED BEER RIGHT THROUGH MY NOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

DICK, YOU REMEMBER SWEATY WHITLOW, DON'T YA?

I'M--I'M STARTING TO, YEAH.

WELL, I BETTER GET BACK TO MY CHAIR.

I HOPE THIS NIGHT NEVER ENDS.

SEEMS LIKE IT WON'T.

JUDGING FROM THIS NEXT SPEAKER'S

ATTENDANCE AT OUR FUNCTIONS,

I'D SAY HE'S NOT AN "EAGER BEAVER..."

THIS SHOULD BE YOU, DICK.

HE'S GEORGE'S EMPLOYER.

WELCOME DICK LOUDON.

WELL, THA--UH...

[CLEARS THROAT] THANK YOU,

MR. CHAIR-BEAVER.

[CLEARS THROAT] TO--UH,

TONIGHT WE'RE HONORING GEORGE UTLEY

AS MAN OF THE YEAR.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW WHAT KIND OF A YEAR WE'VE HAD.

[LAUGHTER]

GEORGE, UM...

GEORGE IS SOMETHING OF A HOMEBODY.

I THINK THE FURTHEST HE EVER TRAVELED

WAS AROUND A MONOPOLY BOARD.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANNA SAY THAT, UH, GEORGE IS NOT WELL-TRAVELED,

BUT RECENTLY HE DID COMPLAIN OF TRACTOR-LAG.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, AS YOU ALL KNOW,

GEORGE ISN'T THE GREATEST DRESSER IN THE WORLD.

I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT HIM CALLED,

DEAD MEN DO WEAR PLAID.

[LAUGHTER]

GEORGE ISN'T KNOWN AS AN INTELLECTUAL,

BUT, UH, HE JUST COMPLETED WORK ON A BOOK.

HE DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB TOO,

EXCEPT HE COLORED THE GRASS RED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHOA. I TAKE IT THE ROAST WENT WELL LAST NIGHT?

I ONLY KILLED THEM.

THIS MOUTH IS NOW A REGISTERED WEAPON.

[LAUGHS]

WELL, I BET GEORGE WAS DELIGHTED.

I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM.

HE HAD TO WASH THE MUGS

AND THEN RETURN THE RENTED CHAIRS.

PART OF THE HONOR?

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME, YOUNG LADY.

IS YOUR MOTHER HERE?

MY MOTHER?

[GASPS] JOANNA, IS THAT YOU?

[GASPS] YOU LOOK 20 YEARS YOUNGER.

MUST BE THAT NEW DeFOREST COSMETIC STARTER KIT

YOU'VE BEEN USING LATELY.

STEPHANIE.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS LADY IS 62 YEARS OLD?

I'M NOT 62.

NO. SHE DOESN'T FEEL 62.

NOT SINCE ACHIEVING THAT YOUTHFUL GLOW--

I--I--I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

SORRY, EVERYONE. THE--THE MEDICINE SHOW IS OVER.

PLEASE JUST IGNORE THIS.

DICK. PLEASE.

THEY WERE REACHING FOR THEIR WALLETS.

I WANT YOU TO STOP BOTHERING OUR GUESTS.

THEN I'LL NEVER SELL THESE.

AND THEY'LL DRAG ME OFF TO JAIL,

AND I'LL ONLY GET WASH MY HAIR ONCE A WEEK AND I'LL DIE.

OH. MORNING, GEORGE.

MORNING, JOANNA.

MORNING, GEORGE.

MORNING.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD QUITE A ROAST LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, GREAT.

LISTEN, I'D LIKE TODAY OFF.

I THINK I'LL WANDER DOWN TO MY SECRET FISHING HOLE.

WHATEVER YOU WANT, GEORGE.

ARE--ARE YOU OKAY?

WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY I HAVE A TOUCH OF TRACTOR-LAG.

TRACTOR-LAG? WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

OH, THAT WAS IN ONE OF THE JOKES I TOLD.

WELL, GEORGE SEEMED KIND OF UPSET ABOUT IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

HE SEEMED TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I JUST TOLD A COUPLE HARMLESS JOKES,

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, ONLY FUNNIER.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, LIKE, UH, I SAID, UH...

[LAUGHS]

I SAID, "GEORGE IS SOMEWHAT OF A HOMEBODY.

"I THINK THE FURTHEST HE'S EVER TRAVELED

WAS AROUND A MONOPOLY BOARD."

[LAUGHS]

AND, UM...

[CLEARS THROAT] AND I SAID THAT,

"GEORGE IS--IS WORKING ON--ON A--ON A BOOK,

BUT HE--HE, UH, COLORED THE GRASS RED."

[LAUGHS]

AND, UM...

[CLEARS THROAT]

AND I--I SAID THEY'RE, UM...

THEY'RE DOING A--A MOVIE A--ABOUT GEORGE,

AND IT'S CALLED, UM...

DEAD -- DEAD MEN DO WEAR PLAID.

WHAT?

DEAD MEN DO WEAR PLAID.

YOU KNOW, HE WEARS THAT SHIRT ALL THE TIME.

SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU CALLED HIM

A DIMWITTED, PATHETICALLY-DRESSED YOKEL.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS--IT WAS ALL IN--

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

OH, UH, HI, JOE.

NO--NO. HE--HE JUST WENT FISHING.

HAS--HAS HE MADE UP HIS MIND ABOUT WHAT?

THERE--THERE--THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

GEOR--UH, GEORGE IS HAPPY HERE.

NOT--NOT ANYMORE.

I'LL--I'LL-- I'LL TELL HIM...

I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED.

THAT WAS THE PRESCOTT HOTEL.

GEORGE APPLIED FOR A JOB THERE THIS MORNING.

OH, NO.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED,

MR. "MY MOUTH IS A WEAPON."

HONEY, IF ANYONE IS LOOKING FOR ME,

I'LL BE DOWN AT GEORGE'S SECRET FISHING HOLE.

WHERE IS GEORGE'S SECRET FISHING HOLE?

AH. GAH.

HI. HI--HI, GEORGE.

HOW DID YOU FIND MY SECRET FISHING HOLE?

I JUST ASKED AROUND AT THE INN.

WHO KNEW?

EVERYONE.

ARE THE-- ARE THE FISH BITING?

NOT YET.

MOSQUITOES SURE ARE.

YOU, UM-- DO YOU MIND?

GEORGE, UH...

ARE--ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT...

ABOUT LEAVING THE STRATFORD?

WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

YOU, UM...

YOU GOT A CALL FROM THE PRESCOTT HOTEL.

DICK, I DON'T KNOW

IF THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME TO BRING THIS UP,

BUT I'M THINKING OF LEAVING THE STRATFORD.

WELL, GEORGE, IF IT'S BECAUSE OF ANYTHING

I--I SAID LAST NIGHT,

YOU KNOW, I HOPE-- I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE ME.

MOSQUITO.

YOU REALLY HIT ON SOME SORE SPOTS LAST NIGHT, DICK.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING.

I MEAN, DWAYNE CALLED YOU SLOW,

AND--AND DUTCH CALLED YOU A KNUCKLEHEAD.

WELL, BUT THOSE GUYS ARE BUDDIES.

THEY ALWAYS KID ME. YOU'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

WHEN YOU SAID THOSE THINGS, THEY SOUNDED SO...

TRUE.

YEAH, BUT I'M-- YOU KNOW, I'M--

I'M YOUR BUDDY TOO.

AND--AND YOU'RE MINE,

AND--AND THOSE JOKES WERE-- WERE DONE OUT OF, UH...

OUT OF AFFECTION.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT IF I DID JOKES ABOUT YOUR SHORTCOMINGS.

TH--THAT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I'D KNOW THE--THE SPIRIT THEY WERE BEING DONE IN.

WH--WHAT...

[CLEARS THROAT] WHAT--WHAT SHORTCOMINGS?

OH, I COULD MENTION THAT YOU'RE A NEATNESS FREAK.

THAT--THAT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME.

WHAT IF I TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT

THE TIME YOU THREW THE LINT FIT?

THAT--THAT WOULD-- THAT, UH...

THAT WOULD--THAT-- THAT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME.

AND HOW MANY GUYS REFUSE TO GO TO BASEBALL GAMES

BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID OF BEING HIT BY A FOUL?

A LOT OF PEOPLE EVERY YEAR ARE SERIOUSLY INJURED.

I--I GOT A FISH.

NO, YOU DON'T. THAT'S A BRANCH.

ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S FIGHTING.

NO, IT'S NOT. YOU'RE FIGHTING IT.

IT'S JUST A BRANCH.

GEORGE, I'M TELLING YOU

I'M ON THE BUSINESS END OF "MOBY TROUT."

YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN THAT FOR YA?

I GUESS IT'S TOO SMALL.

I GUESS THE, UM...

I GUESS THE PRESCOTT OFFERED YOU MORE MONEY?

LOTS MORE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE--THE POINT IS--

AND A SUITE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, ALL--ALL THAT I'M TRYING TO SAY--

CABLE T.V. TOO.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

THE--THE PRESCOTT'S A--A BIG HOTEL.

YOU KNOW, I--I COULDN'T MATCH THEIR OFFER, BUT--

YOU KNOW, YOU...

YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS. YOU KNOW, AND I'D...

YOU KNOW, I'D HATE TO LOSE YOU.

AND--AND THE INN SURE COULD STAND A GUY WHO COULD...

TELL A FISH FROM A BRANCH.

IF I TURN DOWN THE PRESCOTT HOTEL,

WITH A SUITE AND ALL THAT MONEY,

WOULDN'T IT BE KINDA DUMB?

HMM.

SURE SOUNDS DUMB.

THEN I'M DUMB.

[LAUGHS]

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A STORY FOR THE NEXT ROAST.

OF COURSE, I'VE ALWAYS GOT THE BRANCH STORY.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE CATCH US SOME FISH?

HOLD IT, DICK.

GEORGE, ALL--ALL OF THOSE WERE...

WERE MOSQUITOES, RIGHT?

WELL, THAT ONE WAS.

HONEY, I'M TELLING YOU,

IT WAS THIS BIG.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT EXAGGERATING?

WORD OF HONOR. THIS BIG.

I--I COULD HARDLY REEL IT IN.

THAT IS A BIG BRANCH.

GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS.

I'M OUT OF THE COSMETICS GAME.

YOU MEAN, DeFOREST TOOK THEIR COSMETICS BACK?

NO. THE NEXT BEST THING.

I GOT A SALES REPRESENTATIVE TO HANDLE IT FOR ME.

HI, CONSUMERS.

MEOW.